Shallow. Sir Hughperswade me not: I will make a StarChamber matter of itif hee were twenty Sir Iohn Falstoffshe shall not abuse Robert Shallow Esquire
Slen. In the County of GlocesterIustice of Peace and Coram
Shal. I (Cosen Slender) and Custalorum
Slen. Iand Ratolorum too; and a Gentleman borne (Master Parson) who writes himselfe Armigeroin any BillWarrantQuittanceor ObligationArmigero
Shal. I that I doeand haue done any time these three hundred yeeres
Slen. All his successors (gone before him) hath don't: and all his Ancestors (that come after him) may: they may giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate
Shal. It is an olde Coate
Euans. The dozen white Lowses doe become an old Coat well: it agrees well passant: It is a familiar beast to manand signifies Loue
Shal. The Luse is the fresh-fishthe salt-fishis an old Coate
Slen. I may quarter (Coz)
Shal. You mayby marrying
Euans. It is marring indeedif he quarter it
Shal. Not a whit
Euan. Yes per-lady: if he ha's a quarter of your coat there is but three Skirts for your selfein my simple coniectures; but that is all one: if Sir Iohn Falstaffe haue committed disparagements vnto youI am of the Church and will be glad to do my beneuolenceto make attonements and compremises betweene you
Shal. The Councell shall heare itit is a Riot
Euan. It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot: there is no feare of Got in a Riot: The Councell (looke you) shall desire to heare the feare of Gotand not to heare a
Riot: take your vizaments in that
Shal. Ha; o'my lifeif I were yong againethe sword should end it
Euans. It is petter that friends is the swordand end it: and there is also another deuice in my prainewhich peraduenture prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Pagewhich is daughter to Master Thomas Page which is pretty virginity
Slen. Mistris Anne Page? she has browne haireand speakes small like a woman
Euans. It is that ferry person for all the orldas iust as you will desireand seuen hundred pounds of Moneyes and Goldand Silueris her Grand-sire vpon his deathsbed (Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections) giuewhen she is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old. It were a goot motionif we leaue our pribbles and prabblesand desire a marriage betweene Master Abrahamand Mistris Anne Page
Slen. Did her Grand-sire leaue her seauen hundred pound? Euan. Iand her father is make her a petter penny
Slen. I know the young Gentlewomanshe has good gifts
Shal. Wellet vs see honest Mr Page: is Falstaffe there?
Euan. Shall I tell you a lye? I doe despise a lyeras I doe despise one that is falseor as I despise one that is not true: the Knight Sir Iohn is thereand I beseech you be ruled by your well-willers: I will peat the doore for Mr. Page. What hoa? Got-plesse your house heere
Mr.Page. Who's there?
Euan. Here is go't's plessing and your friendand Iustice Shallowand heere yong Master Slender: that peraduentures shall tell you another taleif matters grow to your likings
Mr.Page. I am glad to see your Worships well: I thanke you for my Venison Master Shallow
Shal. Master PageI am glad to see you: much good doe it your good heart: I wish'd your Venison betterit was ill killd: how doth good Mistresse Page? and I thank you alwaies with my heartla: with my heart
M.Page. SirI thanke you
Shal. SirI thanke you: by yeaand no I doe
M.Pa. I am glad to see yougood Master Slender
Slen. How do's your fallow GreyhoundSirI heard say he was out-run on Cotsall
M.Pa. It could not be iudg'dSir
Slen. You'll not confesse: you'll not confesse
Shal. That he will not'tis your fault'tis your fault: 'tis a good dogge
M.Pa. A CurSir
Shal. Sir: hee's a good dogand a faire dogcan there be more said? he is goodand faire. Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe heere?
M.Pa. Sirhee is within: and I would I could doe a good office betweene you
Euan. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake
Shal. He hath wrong'd me (Master Page.) M.Pa. Sirhe doth in some sort confesse it
Shal. If it be confessedit is not redressed; is not that so (M[aster]. Page?) he hath wrong'd meindeed he hathat a word he hath: beleeue meRobert Shallow Esquiresaith he is wronged
Ma.Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn
Fal. NowMaster Shallowyou'll complaine of me to the King? Shal. Knightyou haue beaten my menkill'd my deereand broke open my Lodge
Fal. But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter? Shal. Tuta pin: this shall be answer'd
Fal. I will answere it straitI haue done all this: That is now answer'd
Shal. The Councell shall know this
Fal. 'Twere better for you if it were known in councell: you'll be laugh'd at
Eu. Pauca verba; (Sir Iohn) good worts
Fal. Good worts? good Cabidge; SlenderI broke your head: what matter haue you against me?
Slen. Marry sirI haue matter in my head against you and against your cony-catching RascallsBardolfNym and Pistoll
Bar. You Banbery Cheese
Slen. Iit is no matter
Pist. How nowMephostophilus? Slen. Iit is no matter
Nym. SliceI say; paucapauca: Slicethat's my humor
Slen. Where's Simple my man? can you tellCosen?
Eua. PeaceI pray you: now let vs vnderstand: there is three Vmpires in this matteras I vnderstand; that is Master Page (fidelicet Master Page) & there is my selfe (fidelicet my selfe) and the three party is (lastlyand finally)
mine Host of the Garter
Ma.Pa. We three to hear it& end it between them
Euan. Ferry goo'tI will make a priefe of it in my note-bookeand we wil afterwards orke vpon the cause with as great discreetly as we can
Pist. He heares with eares
Euan. The Teuill and his Tam: what phrase is this? he heares with eare? whyit is affectations
Fal. Pistolldid you picke M[aster]. Slenders purse?
Slen. Iby these gloues did heeor I would I might neuer come in mine owne great chamber againe elseof seauen groates in mill-sixpencesand two Edward Shouelboords that cost me two shilling and two pence a peece of Yead Miller: by these gloues
Fal. Is this truePistoll? Euan. Noit is falseif it is a picke-purse
Pist. Hathou mountaine Forreyner: Sir Iohnand Master mineI combat challenge of this Latine Bilboe: word of deniall in thy labras here; word of denial; froth and scum thou liest
Slen. By these glouesthen 'twas he
Nym. Be auis'd sirand passe good humours: I will say marry trap with youif you runne the nut-hooks humor on methat is the very note of it
Slen. By this hatthen he in the red face had it: for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunkeyet I am not altogether an asse
Fal. What say you Scarletand Iohn? Bar. Why sir(for my part) I say the Gentleman had drunke himselfe out of his fiue sentences
Eu. It is his fiue sences: fiewhat the ignorance is
Bar. And being fapsirwas (as they say) casheerd: and so conclusions past the Careires
Slen. Iyou spake in Latten then to: but 'tis no matter; Ile nere be drunk whilst I liue againebut in honest ciuillgodly company for this tricke: if I be drunkeIle be drunke with those that haue the feare of Godand not with drunken knaues
Euan. So got-udge methat is a vertuous minde
Fal. You heare all these matters deni'dGentlemen; you heare it
Mr.Page. Nay daughtercarry the wine inwee'll drinke within
Slen. Oh heauen: This is Mistresse Anne Page
Mr.Page. How now Mistris Ford? Fal. Mistris Fordby my troth you are very wel met: by your leaue good Mistris
Mr.Page. Wifebid these gentlemen welcome: come we haue a hot Venison pasty to dinner; Come gentlemen I hope we shall drinke downe all vnkindnesse
Slen. I had rather then forty shillings I had my booke of Songs and Sonnets heere: How now Simplewhere haue you beene? I must wait on my selfemust I? you haue not the booke of Riddles about youhaue you?
Sim. Booke of Riddles? why did you not lend it to Alice Short-cake vpon Alhallowmas lasta fortnight afore Michaelmas
Shal. Come Cozcome Cozwe stay for you: a word with you Coz: marry thisCoz: there is as 'twere a tender a kinde of tendermade a farre-off by Sir Hugh here: doe you vnderstand me?
Slen. I Siryou shall finde me reasonable; if it be so I shall doe that that is reason
Shal. Naybut vnderstand me
Slen. So I doe Sir
Euan. Giue eare to his motions; (Mr. Slender) I will description the matter to youif you be capacity of it
Slen. NayI will doe as my Cozen Shallow saies: I pray you pardon mehe's a Iustice of Peace in his Countrie simple though I stand here
Euan. But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage
Shal. Ithere's the point Sir
Eu. Marry is it: the very point of itto Mi[stris]. An Page
Slen. Why if it be so; I will marry her vpon any reasonable demands
Eu. But can you affection the 'omanlet vs command to know that of your mouthor of your lips: for diuers Philosophers holdthat the lips is parcell of the mouth: therfore preciselyca[n] you carry your good wil to y maid?
Sh. Cosen Abraham Slendercan you loue her?
Slen. I hope sirI will do as it shall become one that would doe reason
Eu. Naygot's Lordsand his Ladiesyou must speake possitableif you can carry-her your desires towards her
Shal. That you must: Will you(vpon good dowry) marry her? Slen. I will doe a greater thing then thatvpon your request (Cosen) in any reason
Shal. Nay conceiue meconceiue mee(sweet Coz): What I doe is to pleasure you (Coz:) can you loue the maid?
Slen. I will marry her (Sir) at your request; but if there bee no great loue in the beginningyet Heauen may decrease it vpon better acquaintancewhen wee are marriedand haue more occasion to know one another: I hope vpon familiarity will grow more content: but if you say mary-herI will mary-herthat I am freely dissoluedand dissolutely
Eu. It is a fery discretion-answere; saue the fall is in the 'orddissolutely: the ort is (according to our meaning) resolutely: his meaning is good
Sh. I: I thinke my Cosen meant well
Sl. Ior else I would I might be hang'd (la.) Sh. Here comes faire Mistris Anne; would I were yong for your sakeMistris Anne
An. The dinner is on the Tablemy Father desires your worships company
Sh. I will wait on him(faire Mistris Anne.) Eu. Od's plessed-wil: I wil not be abse[n]ce at the grace
An. Wil't please your worship to come inSir? Sl. NoI thank you forsoothhartely; I am very well
An. The dinner attends youSir
Sl. I am not a-hungryI thanke youforsooth: goe Sirhafor all you are my mangoe wait vpon my Cosen Shallow: a Iustice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friendfor a Man; I keepe but three Menand a Boy yettill my Mother be dead: but what thoughyet I liue like a poore Gentleman borne
An. I may not goe in without your worship: they will not sit till you come
Sl. I' faithile eate nothing: I thanke you as much as though I did
An. I pray you Sir walke in
Sl. I had rather walke here (I thanke you) I bruiz'd my shin th' other daywith playing at Sword and Dagger with a Master of Fence (three veneys for a dish of stew'd Prunes) and by my trothI cannot abide the smell of hot meate since. Why doe your dogs barke so? be there Beares ith' Towne?
An. I thinke there areSirI heard them talk'd of
Sl. I loue the sport wellbut I shall as soone quarrell at itas any man in England: you are afraid if you see the Beare looseare you not?
An. I indeede Sir
Sl. That's meate and drinke to me now: I haue seene Saskerson loosetwenty timesand haue taken him by the Chaine: but (I warrant you) the women haue so cride and shrekt at itthat it past: But women indeedecannot abide 'emthey are very ill-fauour'd rough things
Ma.Pa. Comegentle M[aster]. Slendercome; we stay for you
Sl. Ile eate nothingI thanke you Sir
Ma.Pa. By cocke and pieyou shall not chooseSir: comecome
Sl. Naypray you lead the way
Ma.Pa. Come onSir
Sl. Mistris Anne: your selfe shall goe first
An. Not I Sirpray you keepe on
Sl. Truely I will not goe first: truely-la: I will not doe you that wrong
An. I pray you Sir
Sl. Ile rather be vnmannerlythen troublesome: you doe your selfe wrong indeede-la.
Enter Euansand Simple.
Eu. Go your waiesand aske of Doctor Caius house which is the way; and there dwels one Mistris Quickly; which is in the manner of his Nurse; or his dry-Nurse; or his Cooke; or his Laundry; his Washerand his Ringer
Si. Well Sir
Eu. Nayit is petter yet: giue her this letter; for it is a 'oman that altogeathers acquainta[n]ce with Mistris Anne Page; and the Letter is to desireand require her to solicite your Masters desiresto Mistris Anne Page: I pray you be gon: I will make an end of my dinner; ther's Pippins and Cheese to come.
Fal. Mine Host of the Garter?
Ho. What saies my Bully Rooke? speake schollerly and wisely
Fal. Truely mine Host; I must turne away some of my followers
Ho. Discard(bully Hercules) casheere; let them wag; trottrot
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a weeke
Ho. Thou'rt an Emperor (CesarKeiser and Pheazar) I will entertaine Bardolfe: he shall draw; he shall tap; said
I well (bully Hector?) Fa. Doe so (good mine Host.) Ho. I haue spoke; let him follow; let me see thee froth
and liue: I am at a word: follow
Fal. Bardolfefollow him: a Tapster is a good trade: an old Cloakemakes a new Ierkin: a wither'd Seruingman a fresh Tapster: goeadew
Ba. It is a life that I haue desir'd: I will thriue
Pist. O base hungarian wight: wilt y the spigot wield
Ni. He was gotten in drink: is not the humor co[n]ceited?
Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this Tinderbox: his Thefts were too open: his filching was like an vnskilfull Singerhe kept not time
Ni. The good humor is to steale at a minutes rest
Pist. Conuay: the wise it call: Steale? foh: a fico for the phrase
Fal. Well sirsI am almost out at heeles
Pist. Why then let Kibes ensue
Fal. There is no remedy: I must conicatchI must shift
Pist. Yong Rauens must haue foode
Fal. Which of you know Ford of this Towne? Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good
Fal. My honest LadsI will tell you what I am about
Pist. Two yardsand more
Fal. No quips now Pistoll: (Indeede I am in the waste two yards about: but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift) briefely: I doe meane to make loue to Fords wife: I spie entertainment in her: shee discourses: shee carues: she giues the leere of inuitation: I can construe the action of her familier stile& the hardest voice of her behauior (to be english'd rightly) isI am Sir Iohn Falstafs
Pist. He hath studied her will; and translated her will: out of honestyinto English
Ni. The Anchor is deepe: will that humor passe? Fal. Nowthe report goesshe has all the rule of her husbands Purse: he hath a legend of Angels
Pist. As many diuels entertaine: and to her Boy say I
Ni. The humor rises: it is good: humor me the angels
Fal. I haue writ me here a letter to her: & here another to Pages wifewho euen now gaue mee good eyes too; examind my parts with most iudicious illiads: sometimes the beame of her viewguilded my foote: sometimes my portly belly
Pist. Then did the Sun on dung-hill shine
Ni. I thanke thee for that humour
Fal. O she did so course o're my exteriors with such a greedy intentionthat the appetite of her eyedid seeme to scorch me vp like a burning-glasse: here's another letter to her: She beares the Purse too: She is a Region in Guiana: all goldand bountie: I will be Cheaters to them bothand they shall be Exchequers to mee: they shall be my East and West Indiesand I will trade to them both: Goebeare thou this Letter to Mistris Page; and thou this to Mistris Ford: we will thriue (Lads) we will thriue
Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become And by my side weare Steele? then Lucifer take all
Ni. I will run no base humor: here take the humor-Letter; I will keepe the hauior of reputation
Fal. Hold Sirhabeare you these Letters tightly Saile like my Pinnasse to these golden shores. Rogueshenceauauntvanish like haile-stones; goe Trudge; plod away ith' hoofe: seeke shelterpacke: Falstaffe will learne the honor of the age French-thriftyou Roguesmy selfeand skirted Page
Pist. Let Vultures gripe thy guts: for gourdand Fullam holds: & high and low beguiles the rich & poore Tester ile haue in pouch when thou shalt lacke Base Phrygian Turke
Ni. I haue opperations Which be humors of reuenge
Pist. Wilt thou reuenge? Ni. By Welkinand her Star
Pist. With witor Steele? Ni. With both the humorsI: I will discusse the humour of this Loue to Ford
Pist. And I to Page shall eke vnfold How Falstaffe (varlet vile) His Doue will proue; his gold will hold And his soft couch defile
Ni. My humour shall not coole: I will incense Ford to deale with poyson: I will possesse him with yallownesse for the reuolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour
Pist. Thou art the Mars of Malecontents: I second thee: troope on.
Enter Mistris QuicklySimpleIohn RugbyDoctorCaiusFenton.
Qu. WhatIohn RugbyI pray thee goe to the Casement and see if you can see my MasterMaster Docter
Caius comming: if he doe (I' faith) and finde any body in the house; here will be an old abusing of Gods patience and the Kings English
Ru. Ile goe watch
Qu. Goeand we'll haue a posset for't soone at night (in faith) at the latter end of a Sea-cole-fire: An honest willingkinde fellowas euer seruant shall come in house withall: and I warrant youno tel-talenor no breedebate: his worst fault isthat he is giuen to prayer; hee is something peeuish that way: but no body but has his fault: but let that passe. Peter Simpleyou say your name is?
Si. I: for fault of a better
Qu. And Master Slender's your Master? Si. I forsooth
Qu. Do's he not weare a great round Beardlike a Glouers pairing-knife? Si. No forsooth: he hath but a little wee-face; with a little yellow Beard: a Caine colourd Beard
Qu. A softly-sprighted manis he not?
Si. I forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his handsas any is betweene this and his head: he hath fought with a Warrener
Qu. How say you: ohI should remember him: do's he not hold vp his head (as it were?) and strut in his gate? Si. Yes indeede do's he
Qu. Wellheauen send Anne Pageno worse fortune: Tell Master Parson EuansI will doe what I can for your Master: Anne is a good girleand I wish
Ru. Out alas: here comes my Master
Qu. We shall all be shent: Run in heregood young man: goe into this Closset: he will not stay long: what Iohn Rugby? Iohn: what Iohn I say? goe Iohngoe enquire for my MasterI doubt he be not wellthat hee comes not home: (and downedowneadowne'a. &c
Ca. Vat is you sing? I doe not like des-toyes: pray you goe and vetch me in my Clossetvnboyteere verd; a Boxa greene-a-Box: do intend vat I speake? a greene-a-Box
Qu. I forsooth ile fetch it you: I am glad hee went not in himselfe: if he had found the yong man he would haue bin horne-mad
Ca. Fefefefemai foyil fait for ehandoIe man voi a le Court la grand affaires
Qu. Is it this Sir? Ca. Ouy mette le au mon pocketdepeech quickly:
Vere is dat knaue Rugby? Qu. What Iohn RugbyIohn? Ru. Here Sir
Ca. You are Iohn Rugbyand you are Iacke Rugby: Cometake-a-your Rapierand come after my heele to the Court
Ru. 'Tis ready Sirhere in the Porch
Ca. By my trot: I tarry too long: od's-me: que ay ie oublie: dere is some Simples in my Clossetdat I vill not for the varld I shall leaue behinde
Qu. Ay-mehe'll finde the yong man there& be mad
Ca. O DiableDiable: vat is in my Closset? VillanieLaroone: Rugbymy Rapier
Qu. Good Master be content
Ca. Wherefore shall I be content-a? Qu. The yong man is an honest man
Ca. What shall de honest man do in my Closset: dere is no honest man dat shall come in my Closset
Qu. I beseech you be not so flegmaticke: heare the truth of it. He came of an errand to meefrom Parson Hugh
Si. I forsooth: to desire her to - Qu. PeaceI pray you
Ca. Peace-a-your tongue: speake-a-your Tale
Si. To desire this honest Gentlewoman (your Maid) to speake a good word to Mistris Anne Pagefor my Master in the way of Marriage
Qu. This is all indeede-la: but ile nere put my finger in the fireand neede not
Ca. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugbyballow mee some paper: tarry you a littell-a-while
Qui. I am glad he is so quiet: if he had bin throughly mouedyou should haue heard him so loudand so melancholly: but notwithstanding manIle doe yoe your Master what good I can: and the very yea& the no isy French Doctor my Master(I may call him my Master looke youfor I keepe his house; and I washringbrew bakescowredresse meat and drinkemake the bedsand doe all my selfe.)
Simp. 'Tis a great charge to come vnder one bodies hand
Qui. Are you auis'd o'that? you shall finde it a great charge: and to be vp earlyand down late: but notwithstanding (to tell you in your eareI wold haue no words of it) my Master himselfe is in loue with Mistris Anne Page: but notwithstanding that I know Ans mindthat's neither heere nor there
Caius. YouIack'Nape: giue-'a this Letter to Sir Hughby gar it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de Parkeand I will teach a scuruy Iackanape Priest to meddleor make:- you may be gon: it is not good you tarry here: by gar I will cut all his two stones: by
garhe shall not haue a stone to throw at his dogge
Qui. Alas: he speakes but for his friend
Caius. It is no matter 'a ver dat: do not you tell-a-me dat I shall haue Anne Page for my selfe? by garI vill kill de Iack-Priest: and I haue appointed mine Host of de Iarteer to measure our weapon: by garI wil my selfe haue Anne Page
Qui. Sirthe maid loues youand all shall bee well: We must giue folkes leaue to prate: what the goodier
Caius. Rugbycome to the Court with me: by garif I haue not Anne PageI shall turne your head out of my dore: follow my heelesRugby
Qui. You shall haue An-fooles head of your owne: NoI know Ans mind for that: neuer a woman in Windsor knowes more of Ans minde then I doenor can doe more then I doe with herI thanke heauen
Fenton. Who's with in therehoa? Qui. Who's thereI troa? Come neere the house I pray you
Fen. How now (good woman) how dost thou?
Qui. The better that it pleases your good Worship to aske?
Fen. What newes? how do's pretty Mistris Anne?
Qui. In truth Sirand shee is prettyand honestand gentleand one that is your friendI can tell you that by the wayI praise heauen for it
Fen. Shall I doe any good thinkst thou? shall I not loose my suit?
Qui. Troth Sirall is in his hands aboue: but notwithstanding (Master Fenton) Ile be sworne on a booke shee loues you: haue not your Worship a wart aboue your eye?
Fen. Yes marry haue Iwhat of that?
Qui. Welthereby hangs a tale: good faithit is such another Nan; (but (I detest) an honest maid as euer broke bread: wee had an howres talke of that wart; I shall neuer laugh but in that maids company: but (indeed) shee is giuen too much to Allicholy and musing: but for you - well - goe too
Fen. Well: I shall see her to day: holdthere's money for thee: Let mee haue thy voice in my behalfe: if thou seest her before mecommend me.
Qui. Will I? I faith that wee will: And I will tell your Worship more of the Wartthe next time we haue confidenceand of other wooers
Fen. Wellfare-wellI am in great haste now
Qui. Fare-well to your Worship: truely an honest Gentleman: but Anne loues him not: for I know Ans minde as well as another do's: out vpon't: what haue I forgot.
Actus Secundus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Mistris PageMistris FordMaster PageMaster Ford PistollNim QuicklyHostShallow.
Mist.Page. Whathaue scap'd Loue-letters in the holly-day-time of my beautyand am I now a subiect for them? let me see? Aske me no reason why I loue youfor though Loue vse Reason for his precisianhee admits him not for his Counsailour: you are not yongno more am I: goe to thenthere's simpathie: you are merryso am I: hahathen there's more simpathie: you loue sackeand so do I: would you desire better simpathie? Let it suffice thee (Mistris Page) at the least if the Loue of Souldier can sufficethat I loue thee: I will not say pitty mee 'tis not a Souldier-like phrase; but I sayloue me: By methine owne true Knightby day or night: Or any kinde of lightwith all his might For thee to fight. Iohn Falstaffe. What a Herod of Iurie is this? O wickedwicked world: One that is well-nye worne to peeces with age To show himselfe a yong Gallant? What an vnwaied Behauiour hath this Flemish drunkard pickt (with The Deuills name) out of my conuersationthat he dares In this manner assay me? whyhee hath not beene thrice In my Company: what should I say to him? I was then Frugall of my mirth: (heauen forgiue mee:) why Ile Exhibit a Bill in the Parliament for the putting downe of men: how shall I be reueng'd on him? for reueng'd I will be? as sure as his guts are made of puddings
Mis.Ford. Mistris Pagetrust meI was going to your house
Mis.Page. And trust meI was comming to you: you looke very ill
Mis.Ford. Nay Ile nere beleeue that; I haue to shew to the contrary
Mis.Page. 'Faith but you doe in my minde
Mis.Ford. Well: I doe then: yet I sayI could shew you to the contrary: O Mistris Pagegiue mee some counsaile
Mis.Page. What's the matterwoman? Mi.Ford. O woman: if it were not for one trifling respect I could come to such honour
Mi.Page. Hang the trifle (woman) take the honour: what is it? dispence with trifles: what is it? Mi.Ford. If I would but goe to hellfor an eternall momentor so: I could be knighted
Mi.Page. What thou liest? Sir Alice Ford? these Knights will hackeand so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy Gentry
Mi.Ford. Wee burne day-light: heerereadread: perceiue how I might bee knightedI shall thinke the worse of fat menas long as I haue an eye to make difference of mens liking: and yet hee would not sweare:
praise womens modesty: and gaue such orderly and welbehaued reproofe to al vncomelinessethat I would haue sworne his disposition would haue gone to the truth of his words: but they doe no more adhere and keep place togetherthen the hundred Psalms to the tune of Greensleeues: What tempest (I troa) threw this Whale(with so many Tuns of oyle in his belly) a'shoare at Windsor? How shall I bee reuenged on him? I thinke the best way wereto entertaine him with hopetill the wicked fire of lust haue melted him in his owne greace: Did you euer heare the like?
Mis.Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of Page and Ford differs: to thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinionsheere's the twyn-brother of thy Letter: but let thine inherit firstfor I protest mine neuer shall: I warrant he hath a thousand of these Letterswrit with blancke-space for different names (sure more): and these are of the second edition: hee will print them out of doubt: for he cares not what hee puts into the presse when he would put vs two: I had rather be a Giantesse and lye vnder Mount Pelion: Well; I will find you twentie lasciuious Turtles ere one chaste man
Mis.Ford. Why this is the very same: the very hand: the very words: what doth he thinke of vs?
Mis.Page. Nay I know not: it makes me almost readie to wrangle with mine owne honesty: Ile entertaine my selfe like one that I am not acquainted withall: for sure vnlesse hee know some straine in meethat I know not my selfehee would neuer haue boorded me in this furie
Mi.Ford. Boordingcall you it? Ile bee sure to keepe him aboue decke
Mi.Page. So will I: if hee come vnder my hatches Ile neuer to Sea againe: Let's bee reueng'd on him: let's appoint him a meeting: giue him a show of comfort in his Suitand lead him on with a fine baited delaytill hee hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter
Mi.Ford. NayI wil consent to act any villany against himthat may not sully the charinesse of our honesty: oh that my husband saw this Letter: it would giue eternall food to his iealousie
Mis.Page. Why look where he comes; and my good man too: hee's as farre from iealousieas I am from giuing him causeand that (I hope) is an vnmeasurable distance
Mis.Ford. You are the happier woman
Mis.Page. Let's consult together against this greasie Knight: Come hither
Ford. Well: I hopeit be not so
Pist. Hope is a curtall-dog in some affaires: Sir Iohn affects thy wife
Ford. Why sirmy wife is not young
Pist. He wooes both high and lowboth rich & poor both yong and oldone with another (Ford) he loues the
Gally-mawfry (Ford) perpend
Ford. Loue my wife?
Pist. With liuerburning hot: preuent: Or goe thou like Sir Acteon hewith Ring-wood at thy heeles: Oodious is the name
Ford. What name Sir?
Pist. The horne I say: Farewell: Take heedhaue open eyefor theeues doe foot by night. Take heedere sommer comesor Cuckoo-birds do sing. Away sir Corporall Nim: Beleeue it (Page) he speakes sence
Ford. I will be patient: I will find out this
Nim. And this is true: I like not the humor of lying: hee hath wronged mee in some humors: I should haue borne the humour'd Letter to her: but I haue a sword: and it shall bite vpon my necessitie: he loues your wife; There's the short and the long: My name is Corporall Nim: I speakand I auouch; 'tis true: my name is Nim: and Falstaffe loues your wife: adieuI loue not the humour of bread and cheese: adieu
Page. The humour of it (quoth 'a?) heere's a fellow frights English out of his wits
Ford. I will seeke out Falstaffe
Page. I neuer heard such a drawling-affecting rogue
Ford. If I doe finde it: well
Page. I will not beleeue such a Cataianthough the Priest o' th' Towne commended him for a true man
Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well
Page. How now Meg? Mist.Page. Whether goe you (George?) harke you
Mis.Ford. How now (sweet Frank) why art thou melancholy? Ford. I melancholy? I am not melancholy: Get you home: goe
Mis.Ford. Faiththou hast some crochets in thy head Now: will you goeMistris Page?
Mis.Page. Haue with you: you'll come to dinner George? Looke who comes yonder: shee shall bee our Messenger to this paltrie Knight
Mis.Ford. Trust meI thought on her: shee'll fit it
Mis.Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne? Qui. I forsooth: and I pray how do's good Mistresse Anne? Mis.Page. Go in with vs and see: we haue an houres talke with you
Page. How now Master Ford? For. You heard what this knaue told medid you not? Page. Yesand you heard what the other told me? Ford. Doe you thinke there is truth in them?
Pag. Hang 'em slaues: I doe not thinke the Knight would offer it: But these that accuse him in his intent towards our wiuesare a yoake of his discarded men: very roguesnow they be out of seruice
Ford. Were they his men? Page. Marry were they
Ford. I like it neuer the beter for that Do's he lye at the Garter?
Page. I marry do's he: if hee should intend this voyage toward my wifeI would turne her loose to him; and what hee gets more of herthen sharpe wordslet it lye on my head
Ford. I doe not misdoubt my wife: but I would bee loath to turne them together: a man may be too confident: I would haue nothing lye on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied
Page. Looke where my ranting-Host of the Garter comes: there is eyther liquor in his pateor mony in his pursewhen hee lookes so merrily: How now mine Host?
Host. How now Bully-Rooke: thou'rt a Gentleman Caueleiro IusticeI say
Shal. I follow(mine Host) I follow: Good-euen and twenty (good Master Page.) Master Pagewil you go with vs? we haue sport in hand
Host. Tell him Caueleiro-Iustice: tell him Bully-Rooke
Shall. Sirthere is a fray to be foughtbetweene Sir Hugh the Welch Priestand Caius the French Doctor
Ford. Good mine Host o'th' Garter: a word with you
Host. What saist thoumy Bully-Rooke?
Shal. Will you goe with vs to behold it? My merry Host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and (I thinke) hath appointed them contrary places: for (beleeue mee) I heare the Parson is no Iester: harkeI will tell you what our sport shall be
Host. Hast thou no suit against my Knight? my guest-Caualeire?
Shal. NoneI protest: but Ile giue you a pottle of burn'd sacketo giue me recourse to himand tell him my name is Broome: onely for a iest
Host. My hand(Bully:) thou shalt haue egresse and regresse(said I well?) and thy name shall be Broome. It is a merry Knight: will you goe An-heires?
Shal. Haue with you mine Host
Page. I haue heard the French-man hath good skill in his Rapier
Shal. Tut sir: I could haue told you more: In these times you stand on distance: your PassesStoccado'sand I know not what: 'tis the heart (Master Page) 'tis heere 'tis heere: I haue seene the timewith my long-swordI would haue made you fowre tall fellowes skippe like Rattes
Host. Heere boyesheereheere: shall we wag? Page. Haue with you: I had rather heare them scold then fight
Ford. Though Page be a secure fooleand stands so firmely on his wiues frailty; yetI cannot put-off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Pages house: and what they made thereI know not. WellI wil looke further into'tand I haue a disguiseto sound Falstaffe; if I finde her honestI loose not my labor: if she be otherwise 'tis labour well bestowed.
Fal. I will not lend thee a penny
Pist. Why then the world's mine Oysterwhich I with sword will open
Fal. Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir) you should lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon my good friends for three Repreeues for youand your Coach-fellow Nim; or else you had look'd through the gratelike a Geminy of Baboones: I am damn'd in hellfor swearing to Gentlemen my friendsyou were good Souldiersand tall-fellowes. And when Mistresse Briget lost the handle of her FanI took't vpon mine honour thou hadst it not
Pist. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene pence?
Fal. Reasonyou roaguereason: thinkst thou Ile endanger my soulegratis? at a wordhang no more about meeI am no gibbet for you: goea short knifeand a throngto your Mannor of Pickt-hatch: goeyou'll not beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon your honor: why(thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is as much as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor precise: III my selfe sometimesleauing the feare of heauen on the left handand hiding mine honor in my necessityam faine to shufflle: to hedgeand to lurchand yetyou Roguewill en-sconce your raggs; your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes your red-lattice phrasesand your boldbeating-oathes vnder the shelter of your honor? you will not doe it? you?
Pist. I doe relent: what would thou more of man?
Robin. Sirhere's a woman would speake with you
Fal. Let her approach
Qui. Giue your worship good morrow
Qui. Not soand't please your worship
Fal. Good maid then
Qui. Ile be sworne As my mother was the first houre I was borne
Fal. I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?
Qui. Shall I vouch-safe your worship a wordor two?
Fal. Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe thee the hearing
Qui. There is one Mistresse Ford(Sir) I pray come a little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell with M[aster]. Doctor Caius:
Fal. Wellon; Mistresse Fordyou say
Qui. Your worship saies very true: I pray your worship come a little neerer this waies
Fal. I warrant theeno-bodie heares: mine owne peoplemine owne people
Qui. Are they so? heauen-blesse themand make them his Seruants
Fal. Well; Mistresse Fordwhat of her?
Qui. WhySir; shee's a good-creature; LordLord your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you and all of vsI pray
Fal. Mistresse Ford: comeMistresse Ford
Qui. Marry this is the shortand the long of it: you haue brought her into such a Canariesas 'tis wonderfull: the best Courtier of them all (when the Court lay at Windsor) could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie: yet there has beene Knightsand Lordsand Gentlemen with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach after Coachletter after lettergift after giftsmelling so sweetly; all Muskeand so rushlingI warrant youin silke and goldeand in such alligant termesand in such wine and suger of the bestand the fairestthat would haue wonne any womans heart: and I warrant youthey could neuer get an eye-winke of her: I had my selfe twentie Angels giuen me this morningbut I defie all Angels (in any such sortas they say) but in the way of honesty: and I warrant youthey could neuer get her so much as sippe on a cup with the prowdest of them alland yet there has beene Earles: nay(which is more) Pentionersbut I warrant you all is one with her
Fal. But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good sheeMercurie
Qui. Marryshe hath receiu'd your Letter: for the which she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues you to notifiethat her husband will be absence from his housebetweene ten and eleuen
Fal. Tenand eleuen
Qui. Iforsooth: and then you may come and see the picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master Ford her husband will be from home: alasthe sweet woman leades an ill life with him: hee's a very iealousie-man; she leads a very frampold life with him(good hart.)
Fal. Tenand eleuen. Womancommend me to herI will not faile her
Qui. Whyyou say well: But I haue another messenger to your worship: Mistresse Page hath her heartie commendations to you to: and let mee tell you in your eareshee's as fartuous a ciuill modest wifeand one (I tell you) that will not misse you morning nor euening prayeras any is in Windsorwho ere bee the other: and shee bade me tell your worshipthat her husband is seldome from homebut she hopes there will come a time. I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I thinke you haue charmesla: yes in truth
Fal. Not II assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts asideI haue no other charmes
Qui. Blessing on your heart for't
Fal. But I pray thee tell me this: has Fords wifeand Pages wife acquainted each otherhow they loue me?
Qui. That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little grace I hopethat were a tricke indeed: But Mistris Page would desire you to send her your little Page of al loues: her husband has a maruellous infectio[n] to the little Page: and truely Master Page is an honest man: neuer a wife in Windsor leades a better life then she do's: doe what shee willsay what she willtake allpay allgoe to bed when she listrise when she listall is as she will: and truly she deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in Windsorshe is one: you must send her your Pageno remedie
Fal. WhyI will
Qu. Naybut doe so thenand looke youhee may come and goe betweene you both: and in any case haue a nay-wordthat you may know one anothers minde and the Boy neuer neede to vnderstand any thing; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickednes: olde folkes you knowhaue discretionas they sayand know the world
Fal. Farethee-wellcommend mee to them both: there's my purseI am yet thy debter: Boygoe along with this womanthis newes distracts me
Pist. This Puncke is one of Cupids Carriers Clap on more sailespursue: vp with your sights: Giue fire: she is my prizeor Ocean whelme them all
Fal. Saist thou so (old Iacke) go thy waies: Ile make more of thy olde body then I haue done: will they yet looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of so much moneybe now a gainer? good BodyI thanke thee: let them say 'tis grossely doneso it bee fairely doneno matter
Bar. Sir Iohnthere's one Master Broome below would faine speake with youand be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a mornings draught of Sacke
Fal. Broome is his name?
Bar. I Sir
Fal. Call him in: such Broomes are welcome to mee that ore'flowes such liquor: ah haMistresse Ford and Mistresse Pagehaue I encompass'd you? goe tovia
Ford. 'Blesse you sir
Fal. And you sir: would you speake with me?
Ford. I make boldto pressewith so little preparation vpon you
Fal. You'r welcomewhat's your will? giue vs leaue Drawer
Ford. SirI am a Gentleman that haue spent much my name is Broome
Fal. Good Master BroomeI desire more acquaintance of you
Ford. Good Sir IohnI sue for yours: not to charge youfor I must let you vnderstandI thinke my selfe in better plight for a Lenderthen you are: the which hath something emboldned me to this vnseason'd intrusion: for they sayif money goe beforeall waies doe lye open
Fal. Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on
Ford. Trothand I haue a bag of money heere troubles me: if you will helpe to beare it (Sir Iohn) take all or halfefor easing me of the carriage
Fal. SirI know not how I may deserue to bee your Porter
Ford. I will tell you sirif you will giue mee the hearing
Fal. Speake (good Master Broome) I shall be glad to be your Seruant
Ford. SirI heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe with you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me though I had neuer so good means as desireto make my selfe acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to youwherein I must very much lay open mine owne imperfection: but (good Sir Iohn) as you haue one eye vpon my folliesas you heare them vnfoldedturne another into the Register of your ownethat I may passe with a reproofe the easiersith you your selfe know how easie it is to be such an offender
Fal. Very well Sirproceed
Ford. There is a Gentlewoman in this Towneher
husbands name is Ford
Fal. Well Sir
Ford. I haue long lou'd herand I protest to youbestowed much on her: followed her with a doating obseruance: Ingross'd opportunities to meete her: fee'd euery slight occasion that could but nigardly giue mee sight of her: not only bought many presents to giue her but haue giuen largely to manyto know what shee would haue giuen: brieflyI haue pursu'd heras Loue hath pursued meewhich hath beene on the wing of all occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue meritedeither in my mindeor in my meanesmeede I am sure I haue receiued nonevnlesse Experience be a Iewellthat I haue purchased at an infinite rateand that hath taught mee to say this ``Loue like a shadow flieswhen substance Loue pursues ``Pursuing that that fliesand flying what pursues
Fal. Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at her hands? Ford. Neuer
Fal. Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose? Ford. Neuer
Fal. Of what qualitie was your loue then?
Ford. Like a fair housebuilt on another mans ground so that I haue lost my edificeby mistaking the place where I erected it
Fal. To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?
For. When I haue told you thatI haue told you all: Some saythat though she appeare honest to meeyet in other places shee enlargeth her mirth so farrethat there is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir Iohn) here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breedingadmirable discourseof great admittance authenticke in your place and persongenerally allow'd for your many war-likecourt-likeand learned preparations
Fal. O Sir
Ford. Beleeue itfor you know it: there is money spend itspend itspend more; spend all I haueonely giue me so much of your time in enchange of itas to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: vse your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man mayyou may as soone as any
Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection that I should win what you would enioy? Methinkes you prescribe to your selfe very preposterously
Ford. Ovnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honorthat the folly of my soule dares not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd against. Nowcould I come to her with any detection in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to commend themseluesI could driue her then from the ward of her purityher reputationher marriage-vow and a thousand other her defenceswhich now are tootoo
strongly embattaild against me: what say you too't Sir Iohn?
Fal. Master BroomeI will first make bold with your money: nextgiue mee your hand: and lastas I am a gentlemanyou shallif you willenioy Fords wife
Ford. O good Sir
Fal. I say you shall
Ford. Want no money (Sir Iohn) you shall want none
Fal. Want no Mistresse Ford (Master Broome) you shall want none: I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her owne appointmenteuen as you came in to meher assistant or goe-betweeneparted from me: I say I shall be with her betweene ten and eleuen: for at that time the iealious-rascally-knaue her husband will be forth: come you to me at nightyou shall know how I speed
Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know Ford Sir?
Fal. Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poore: They say the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of moneyfor the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd: I will vse her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer& ther's my haruest-home
Ford. I would you knew Fordsirthat you might auoid himif you saw him
Fal. Hang himmechanicall-salt-butter rogue; I wil stare him out of his wits: I will awe-him with my cudgell: it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns: Master Broomethou shalt knowI will predominate ouer the pezantand thou shalt lye with his wife. Come to me soone at night: Ford's a knaueand I will aggrauate his stile: thou (Master Broome) shalt know him for knaueand Cuckold. Come to me soone at night
Ford. What a damn'd Epicurian-Rascall is this? my heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this is improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to himthe howre is fixtthe match is made: would any man haue thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my bed shall be abus'dmy Coffers ransack'dmy reputation gnawne atand I shall not onely receiue this villanous wrongbut stand vnder the adoption of abhominable termesand by him that does mee this wrong: Termes names: Amaimon sounds well: Luciferwell: Barbason well: yet they are Diuels additionsthe names of fiends: But CuckoldWittollCuckold? the Diuell himselfe hath not such a name. Page is an Assea secure Asse; hee will trust his wifehee will not be iealous: I will rather trust a Fleming with my butterParson Hugh the Welshman with my Cheesean Irish-man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle or a Theefe to walke my ambling geldingthen my wife with her selfe. Then she plotsthen shee ruminates then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their hearts they may effect; they will breake their hearts but they will effect. Heauen bee prais'd for my iealousie: eleuen o' clocke the howreI will preuent thisdetect my wifebee reueng'd on Falstaffeand laugh at Page. I
will about itbetter three houres too soonethen a mynute too late: fiefiefie: CuckoldCuckoldCuckold.
Caius. Iacke Rugby
Caius. Vat is the clockeIack
Rug. 'Tis past the howre (Sir) that Sir Hugh promis'd to meet
Cai. By garhe has saue his souledat he is no-come: hee has pray his Pible welldat he is no-come: by gar (Iack Rugby) he is dead alreadyif he be come
Rug. Hee is wise Sir: hee knew your worship would kill him if he came
Cai. By garde herring is no deadso as I vill kill him: take your Rapier(Iacke) I vill tell you how I vill kill him
Rug. Alas sirI cannot fence
Cai. Villainetake your Rapier
Rug. Forbeare: heer's company
Host. 'Blesse theebully-Doctor
Shal. 'Saue you Mr. Doctor Caius
Page. Now good Mr. Doctor
Slen. 'Giue you good-morrowsir
Caius. Vat be all you onetwotreefowrecome for?
Host. To see thee fightto see thee foigneto see thee trauerseto see thee heereto see thee thereto see thee passe thy punctothy stockthy reuersethy distancethy montant: Is he deadmy Ethiopian? Is he deadmy Francisco? ha Bully? what saies my Esculapius? my Galien? my heart of Elder? ha? is he dead bully-Stale? is he dead?
Cai. By garhe is de Coward-Iack-Priest of de vorld: he is not show his face
Host. Thou art a Castalion-king-Vrinall: Hector of Greece (my Boy) Cai. I pray you beare witnessethat me haue stay sixe or seuentwo tree howres for himand hee is nocome
Shal. He is the wiser man (M[aster]. Doctor) he is a curer of soulesand you a curer of bodies: if you should fightyou goe against the haire of your professions: is it not true Master Page?
Page. Master Shallow; you haue your selfe beene a
great fighterthough now a man of peace
Shal. Body-kins M[aster]. Pagethough I now be oldand of the peace; if I see a sword outmy finger itches to make one: though wee are Iusticesand Doctorsand Church-men (M[aster]. Page) wee haue some salt of our youth in vswe are the sons of women (M[aster]. Page.)
Page. 'Tis trueMr. Shallow
Shal. It wil be found so(M[aster]. Page:) M[aster]. Doctor Caius I am come to fetch you home: I am sworn of the peace: you haue show'd your selfe a wise Physicianand Sir Hugh hath showne himselfe a wise and patient Churchman: you must goe with meM[aster]. Doctor
Host. PardonGuest-Iustice; a Mounseur Mocke-water
Cai. Mock-vater? vat is dat? Host. Mock-waterin our English tongueis Valour (Bully.)
Cai. By garthen I haue as much Mock-vater as de Englishman: scuruy-Iack-dog-Priest: by garmee vill cut his eares
Host. He will Clapper-claw thee tightly (Bully.) Cai. Clapper-de-claw? vat is dat? Host. That ishe will make thee amends
Cai. By-garme doe looke hee shall clapper-de-claw mefor by-garme vill haue it
Host. And I will prouoke him to'tor let him wag
Cai. Me tanck you for dat
Host. And moreouer(Bully) but firstMr. Ghuest and M[aster]. Page& eeke Caualeiro Slendergoe you through the Towne to Frogmore
Page. Sir Hugh is thereis he? Host. He is theresee what humor he is in: and I will bring the Doctor about by the Fields: will it doe well? Shal. We will doe it
All. Adieugood M[aster]. Doctor
Cai. By-garme vill kill de Priestfor he speake for a Iack-an-Ape to Anne Page
Host. Let him die: sheath thy impatience: throw cold water on thy Choller: goe about the fields with mee through FrogmoreI will bring thee where Mistris Anne Page isat a Farm-house a Feasting: and thou shalt wooe her: Cride-gamesaid I well?
Cai. By-garmee dancke you vor dat: by gar I loue you: and I shall procure 'a you de good Guest: de Earle de Knightde Lordsde Gentlemenmy patients
Host. For the whichI will be thy aduersary toward Anne Page: said I well? Cai. By-gar'tis good: vell said
Host. Let vs wag then
Cai. Come at my heelesIack Rugby.
Actus Tertius. Scoena Prima.
Euans. I pray you nowgood Master Slenders seruingman and friend Simple by your name; which way haue you look'd for Master Caiusthat calls himselfe Doctor of Phisicke
Sim. Marry Sirthe pittie-wardthe Parke-ward: euery way: olde Windsor wayand euery way but the Towne-way
Euan. I most fehemently desire youyou will also looke that way
Sim. I will sir
Euan. 'Plesse my soule: how full of Chollors I amand trempling of minde: I shall be glad if he haue deceiued me: how melancholies I am? I will knog his Vrinalls about his knaues costardwhen I haue good oportunities for the orke: 'Plesse my soule: To shallow Riuers to whose falls: melodious Birds sings Madrigalls: There will we make our Peds of Roses: and a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow: 'Mercie on meeI haue a great dispositions to cry. Melodious birds sing Madrigalls: - When as I sat in Pabilon: and a thousand vagram Posies. To shallow&c
Sim. Yonder he is commingthis waySir Hugh
Euan. Hee's welcome: To shallow Riuersto whose fals: Heauen prosper the right: what weapons is he?
Sim. No weaponsSir: there comes my MasterMr. Shallowand another Gentleman; from Frogmoreouer the stilethis way
Euan. Pray you giue mee my gowneor else keepe it in your armes
Shal. How now Master Parson? good morrow good Sir Hugh: keepe a Gamester from the diceand a good Studient from his bookeand it is wonderfull
Slen. Ah sweet Anne Page
Page. 'Saue yougood Sir Hugh
Euan. 'Plesse you from his mercy-sakeall of you
Shal. What? the Swordand the Word? Doe you study them bothMr. Parson? Page. And youthfull stillin your doublet and hose this raw-rumaticke day? Euan. There is reasonsand causes for it
Page. We are come to youto doe a good officeMr. Parson
Euan. Fery-well: what is it?
Page. Yonder is a most reuerend Gentleman; who (be-like) hauing receiued wrong by some personis at most odds with his owne grauity and patiencethat euer you saw
Shal. I haue liued foure-score yeeresand vpward: I neuer heard a man of his placegrauityand learningso wide of his owne respect
Euan. What is he? Page. I thinke you know him: Mr. Doctor Caius the renowned French Physician
Euan. Got's-willand his passion of my heart: I had as lief you would tell me of a messe of porredge
Euan. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galenand hee is a knaue besides: a cowardly knaueas you would desires to be acquainted withall
Page. I warrant youhee's the man should fight with him
Slen. O sweet Anne Page
Shal. It appeares so by his weapons: keepe them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius
Page. Nay good Mr. Parsonkeepe in your weapon
Shal. So doe yougood Mr. Doctor
Host. Disarme themand let them question: let them keepe their limbs wholeand hack our English
Cai. I pray you let-a-mee speake a word with your eare; vherefore vill you not meet-a me? Euan. Pray you vse your patience in good time
Cai. By-garyou are de Coward: de Iack dog: Iohn Ape
Euan. Pray you let vs not be laughing-stocks to other mens humors: I desire you in friendshipand I will one way or other make you amends: I will knog your Vrinal about your knaues Cogs-combe
Cai. Diable: Iack Rugby: mine Host de Iarteer: haue I not stay for himto kill him? haue I not at de place I did appoint?
Euan. As I am a Christians-soulenow looke you: this is the place appointedIle bee iudgement by mine Host of the Garter
Host. PeaceI sayGallia and GauleFrench & Welch Soule-Curerand Body-Curer
Cai. Idat is very goodexcellant
Host. PeaceI say: heare mine Host of the Garter Am I politicke? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiuell?
Shall I loose my Doctor? Nohee giues me the Potions and the Motions. Shall I loose my Parson? my Priest? my Sir Hugh? Nohe giues me the Prouerbesand the No-verbes. Giue me thy hand (Celestiall) so: Boyes of ArtI haue deceiu'd you both: I haue directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mightyyour skinnes are wholeand let burn'd Sacke be the issue: Comelay their swords to pawne: Follow meLad of peacefollowfollow follow
Shal. Trust mea mad Host: follow Gentlemenfollow
Slen. O sweet Anne Page
Cai. Ha' do I perceiue dat? Haue you make-a-de-sot of vshaha?
Eua. This is wellhe has made vs his vlowting-stog: I desire you that we may be friends: and let vs knog our praines together to be reuenge on this same scall scuruy-cogging-companion the Host of the Garter
Cai. By garwith all my heart: he promise to bring me where is Anne Page: by gar he deceiue me too
Euan. WellI will smite his noddles: pray you follow.
Mist.Page. Nay keepe your way (little Gallant) you were wont to be a followerbut now you are a Leader: whether had you rather lead mine eyesor eye your masters heeles?
Rob. I had rather (forsooth) go before you like a man then follow him like a dwarfe
M.Pa. O you are a flattering boynow I see you'l be a (Courtier
Ford. Well met mistris Pagewhether go you
M.Pa. Truly Sirto see your wifeis she at home?
Ford. Iand as idle as she may hang together for want of company: I thinke if your husbands were deadyou two would marry
M.Pa. Be sure of thattwo other husbands
Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-cocke? M.Pa. I cannot tell what (the dickens) his name is my husband had him ofwhat do you cal your Knights name sirrah? Rob. Sir Iohn Falstaffe
Ford. Sir Iohn Falstaffe
M.Pa. HeheI can neuer hit on's name; there is such a league betweene my goodmanand he: is your Wife at home indeed?
Ford. Indeed she is
M.Pa. By your leaue sirI am sicke till I see her
Ford. Has Page any braines? Hath he any eies? Hath he any thinking? Sure they sleepehe hath no vse of them: why this boy will carrie a letter twentie mile as easieas a Canon will shoot point-blanke twelue score: hee peeces out his wiues inclination: he giues her folly motion and aduantage: and now she's going to my wife& Falstaffes boy with her: A man may heare this showre sing in the winde; and Falstaffes boy with her: good plots they are laideand our reuolted wiues share damnation together. WellI will take himthen torture my wife plucke the borrowed vaile of modestie from the so-seeming Mist[ris]. Pagedivulge Page himselfe for a secure and wilfull Acteonand to these violent proceedings all my neighbors shall cry aime. The clocke giues me my Qu and my assurance bids me searchthere I shall finde Falstaffe: I shall be rather praisd for thisthen mock'dfor it is as possitiueas the earth is firmethat Falstaffe is there: I will go
Shal. Page&c. Well met Mr Ford
Ford. Trust mea good knotte; I haue good cheere at homeand I pray you all go with me
Shal. I must excuse my selfe Mr Ford
Slen. And so must I Sir We haue appointed to dine with Mistris Anne And I would not breake with her for more mony Then Ile speake of
Shal. We haue linger'd about a match betweene An Pageand my cozen Slenderand this day wee shall haue our answer
Slen. I hope I haue your good will Father Page
Pag. You haue Mr SlenderI stand wholly for you But my wife (Mr Doctor) is for you altogether
Cai. I be-garand de Maid is loue-a-me: my nursh-a-Quickly tell me so mush
Host. What say you to yong Mr Fenton? He capers he danceshe has eies of youth: he writes verseshee speakes hollidayhe smels April and Mayhe wil carry't he will carry't'tis in his buttonshe will carry't
Page. Not by my consent I promise you. The Gentleman is of no hauinghee kept companie with the wilde Princeand Pointz: he is of too high a Regionhe knows too much: nohee shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take herlet him take her simply: the wealth I haue waits on my consent and my consent goes not that way
Ford. I beseech you heartilysome of you goe home with me to dinner: besides your cheere you shall haue sportI will shew you a monster: Mr Doctoryou shal goso shall you Mr Pageand you Sir Hugh
Shal. Wellfare you well: We shall haue the freer woing at Mr Pages
Cai. Go home Iohn RugbyI come anon
Host. Farewell my heartsI will to my honest Knight Falstaffeand drinke Canarie with him
Ford. I thinke I shall drinke in Pipe-wine first with himIle make him dance. Will you go Gentles? All. Haue with youto see this Monster.
Enter M.FordM.PageSeruantsRobinFalstaffeFordPage Caius Euans.
Mist.Ford. What Iohnwhat Robert
M.Page. Quicklyquickly: Is the Buck-basket - Mis.Ford. I warrant. What Robin I say
Mist.Ford. Heereset it downe
M.Pag. Giue your men the chargewe must be briefe
M.Ford. Marrieas I told you before (Iohn & Robert) be ready here hard-by in the Brew-house& when I sodainly call youcome forthand (without any pauseor staggering) take this basket on your shoulders: y done trudge with it in all hastand carry it among the Whitsters in Dotchet Meadand there empty it in the muddie ditchclose by the Thames side
M.Page. You will do it? M.Ford. I ha told them ouer and ouerthey lacke no direction. Be goneand come when you are call'd
M.Page. Here comes little Robin
Mist.Ford. How now my Eyas-Musketwhat newes with you? Rob. My M[aster]. Sir Iohn is come in at your backe doore (Mist[ris]. Fordand requests your company
M.Page. You litle Iack-a-lenthaue you bin true to vs
Rob. IIle be sworne: my Master knowes not of your being heere: and hath threatned to put me into euerlasting libertyif I tell you of it: for he sweares he'll turne me away
Mist.Pag. Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a Tailor to theeand shal make thee a new doublet and hose. Ile go hide me
Mi.Ford. Do so: go tell thy MasterI am alone: Mistris Pageremember you your Qu
Mist.Pag. I warrant theeif I do not act ithisse me
Mist.Ford. Go-too then: we'l vse this vnwholsome humiditythis grosse-watry Pumpion; we'll teach him
to know Turtles from Iayes
Fal. Haue I caught theemy heauenly Iewell? Why now let me diefor I haue liu'd long enough: This is the period of my ambition: O this blessed houre
Mist.Ford. O sweet Sir Iohn
Fal. Mistris FordI cannot cogI cannot prate (Mist[ris]. Ford) now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy Husband were deadIle speake it before the best LordI would make thee my Lady
Mist.Ford. I your Lady Sir Iohn? AlasI should bee a pittifull Lady
Fal. Let the Court of France shew me such another: I see how thine eye would emulate the Diamond: Thou hast the right arched-beauty of the browthat becomes the Ship-tyrethe Tyre-valiantor any Tire of Venetian admittance
Mist.Ford. A plaine KerchiefeSir Iohn: My browes become nothing elsenor that well neither
Fal. Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute Courtierand the firme fixture of thy foote would giue an excellent motion to thy gatein a semicircled Farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy foewere not Nature thy friend: Comethou canst not hide it
Mist.Ford. Beleeue mether's no such thing in me
Fal. What made me loue thee? Let that perswade thee. Ther's something extraordinary in thee: ComeI cannot cogand say thou art this and thatlike a-manie of these lisping-hauthorne budsthat come like women in mens apparrelland smell like Bucklers-berry in simple time: I cannotbut I loue theenone but thee; and thou deseru'st it
M.Ford. Do not betray me sirI fear you loue M[istris]. Page
Fal. Thou mightst as well sayI loue to walke by the Counter-gatewhich is as hatefull to meas the reeke of a Lime-kill
Mis.Ford. Wellheauen knowes how I loue you And you shall one day finde it
Fal. Keepe in that mindeIle deserue it
Mist.Ford. NayI must tell youso you doe; Or else I could not be in that minde
Rob. Mistris FordMistris Ford: heere's Mistris Page at the dooresweatingand blowingand looking wildely and would needs speake with you presently
Fal. She shall not see meI will ensconce mee behinde the Arras
M.Ford. Pray you do soshe's a very tatling woman.
Whats the matter? How now?
Mist.Page. O mistris Ford what haue you done? You'r sham'dy'are ouerthrowney'are vndone for euer
M.Ford. What's the mattergood mistris Page? M.Page. O weladaymist[ris]. Fordhauing an honest man to your husbandto giue him such cause of suspition
M.Ford. What cause of suspition?
M.Page. What cause of suspition? Out vpon you: How am I mistooke in you?
M.Ford. Why (alas) what's the matter?
M.Page. Your husband's comming hether (Woman) with all the Officers in Windsorto search for a Gentleman that he sayes is heere now in the house; by your consent to take an ill aduantage of his absence: you are vndone
M.Ford. 'Tis not soI hope
M.Page. Pray heauen it be not sothat you haue such a man heere: but 'tis most certaine your husband's comming with halfe Windsor at his heelesto serch for such a oneI come before to tell you: If you know your selfe cleerewhy I am glad of it: but if you haue a friend here conueyconuey him out. Be not amaz'dcall all your senses to youdefend your reputationor bid farwell to your good life for euer
M.Ford. What shall I do? There is a Gentleman my deere friend: and I feare not mine owne shame so much as his perill. I had rather then a thousand pound he were out of the house
M.Page. For shameneuer stand (you had ratherand you had rather:) your husband's heere at handbethinke you of some conueyance: in the house you cannot hide him. Ohhow haue you deceiu'd me? Lookeheere is a basketif he be of any reasonable staturehe may creepe in heereand throw fowle linnen vpon himas if it were going to bucking: Or it is whiting timesend him by your two men to Datchet-Meade
M.Ford. He's too big to go in there: what shall I do? Fal. Let me see'tlet me see'tO let me see't: Ile inIle in: Follow your friends counsellIle in
M.Page. What Sir Iohn Falstaffe? Are these your Letters Knight? Fal. I loue theehelpe mee away: let me creepe in heere: ile neuer M. Page. Helpe to couer your master (Boy:) Call your men (Mist[ris]. Ford.) You dissembling Knight
M.Ford. What IohnRobertIohn; Gotake vp these cloathes heerequickly: Wher's the Cowle-staffe? Look how you drumble? Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet mead: quicklycome
Ford. 'Pray you come nere: if I suspect without cause Why then make sport at methen let me be your iest I deserue it: How now? Whether beare you this?
Ser. To the Landresse forsooth?
M.Ford. Whywhat haue you to doe whether they
beare it? You were best meddle with buck-washing
Ford. Buck? I would I could wash my selfe of y Buck: BuckebuckebuckeI bucke: I warrant you Bucke And of the season too; it shall appeare. GentlemenI haue dream'd to nightIle tell you my dreame: heereheereheere bee my keyesascend my Chamberssearchseekefinde out: Ile warrant wee'le vnkennell the Fox. Let me stop this way first: sonow vncape
Page. Good master Fordbe contented: You wrong your selfe too much
Ford. True (master Page) vp Gentlemen You shall see sport anon: Follow me Gentlemen
Euans. This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies
Caius. By gar'tis no-the fashion of France: It is not iealous in France
Page. Nay follow him (Gentlemen) see the yssue of his search
Mist.Page. Is there not a double excellency in this? Mist.Ford. I know not which pleases me better That my husband is deceiuedor Sir Iohn
Mist.Page. What a taking was hee inwhen your husband askt who was in the basket?
Mist.Ford. I am halfe affraid he will haue neede of washing: so throwing him into the waterwill doe him a benefit
Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest rascall: I would all of the same strainewere in the same distresse
Mist.Ford. I thinke my husband hath some speciall suspition of Falstaffs being heere: for I neuer saw him so grosse in his iealousie till now
Mist.Page. I will lay a plot to try thatand wee will yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe: his dissolute disease will scarse obey this medicine
Mis.Ford. Shall we send that foolishion CarionMist[ris]. Quickly to himand excuse his throwing into the water and giue him another hopeto betray him to another punishment?
Mist.Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to morrow eight a clocke to haue amends
Ford. I cannot finde him: may be the knaue bragg'd of that he could not compasse
Mis.Page. Heard you that? Mis.Ford. You vse me wellM[aster]. Ford? Do you? Ford. II do so
M.Ford. Heauen make you better then your thoghts Ford. Amen
Mi.Page. You do your selfe mighty wrong (M[aster]. Ford) Ford. II: I must beare it
Eu. If there be any pody in the house& in the chambers and in the coffersand in the presses: heauen forgiue my sins at the day of iudgement
Caius. Be garnor I too: there is no-bodies
Page. FyfyM[aster]. Fordare you not asham'd? What spirit what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha your distemper in this kindfor y welth of Windsor castle
Ford. 'Tis my fault (M[aster]. Page) I suffer for it
Euans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a o'mansas I will desires among fiue thousand and fiue hundred too
Cai. By garI see 'tis an honest woman
Ford. WellI promisd you a dinner: comecomewalk in the ParkeI pray you pardon me: I wil hereafter make knowne to you why I haue done this. Come wifecome Mi[stris]. PageI pray you pardon me. Pray hartly pardon me
Page. Let's go in Gentlemenbut (trust me) we'l mock him: I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house to breakfast: after we'll a Birding togetherI haue a fine Hawke for the bush. Shall it be so:
Ford. Any thing
Eu. If there is oneI shall make two in the Companie Ca. If there be oneor twoI shall make-a-theturd
Ford. Pray you goM[aster]. Page
Eua. I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the lowsie knauemine Host
Cai. Dat is good by garwithall my heart
Eua. A lowsie knaueto haue his gibesand his mockeries.
Enter FentonAnnePageShallowSlenderQuicklyPage Mist.Page.
Fen. I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue
Therefore no more turne me to him (sweet Nan.) Anne. Alashow then? Fen. Why thou must be thy selfe.
He doth obiectI am too great of birth And that my state being gall'd with my expence I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth. Besides theseother barres he layes before me My Riots pastmy wilde Societies And tels me 'tis a thing impossible I should loue theebut as a property
An. May be he tels you true. Noheauen so speed me in my time to come Albeit I will confessethy Fathers wealth Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee (Anne:) Yet wooing theeI found thee of more valew Then stampes in Goldor summes in sealed bagges: And 'tis the very riches of thy selfe That now I ayme at
An. Gentle M[aster]. Fenton Yet seeke my Fathers louestill seeke it sir If opportunity and humblest suite Cannot attaine itwhy then harke you hither
Shal. Breake their talke Mistris Quickly. My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe
Slen. Ile make a shaft or a bolt on'tslidtis but venturing
Shal. Be not dismaid
Slen. Noshe shall not dismay me: I care not for thatbut that I am affeard
Qui. Hark yeM[aster]. Slender would speak a word with you
An. I come to him. This is my Fathers choice: O what a world of vilde ill-fauour'd faults Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeere?
Qui. And how do's good Master Fenton? Pray you a word with you
Shal. Shee's comming; to her Coz: O boythou hadst a father
Slen. I had a father (M[istris]. An) my vncle can tel you good iests of him: pray you Vncletel Mist[ris]. Anne the iest how my Father stole two Geese out of a Pengood Vnckle
Shal. Mistris Annemy Cozen loues you
Slen. I that I doas well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire
Shal. He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman
Slen. I that I willcome cut and long-tailevnder the degree of a Squire
Shal. He will make you a hundred and fiftie pounds ioynture
Anne. Good Maister Shallow let him woo for himselfe
Shal. Marrie I thanke you for it: I thanke you for that good comfort: she cals you (Coz) Ile leaue you
Anne. Now Master Slender
Slen. Now good Mistris Anne
Anne. What is your will?
Slen. My will? Odd's-hartlingsthat's a prettie iest indeede: I ne're made my Will yet (I thanke Heauen:) I am not such a sickely creatureI giue Heauen praise
Anne. I meane (M[aster]. Slender) what wold you with me?
Slen. Truelyfor mine owne partI would little or nothing with you: your father and my vncle hath made motions: if it be my luckeso; if nothappy man bee his dolethey can tell you how things gobetter then I can: you may aske your fatherheere he comes
Page. Now Mr Slender; Loue him daughter Anne. Why how now? What does Mr Fenten here? You wrong me Sirthus still to haunt my house. I told you Sirmy daughter is disposd of
Fen. Nay Mr Pagebe not impatient
Mist.Page. Good M[aster]. Fentoncome not to my child
Page. She is no match for you
Fen. Sirwill you heare me?
Page. Nogood M[aster]. Fenton. Come M[aster]. Shallow: Come sonne Slenderin; Knowing my mindeyou wrong me (M[aster]. Fenton.)
Qui. Speake to Mistris Page
Fen. Good Mist[ris]. Pagefor that I loue your daughter In such a righteous fashion as I do Perforceagainst all checkesrebukesand manners I must aduance the colours of my loue And not retire. Let me haue your good will
An. Good motherdo not marry me to yond foole
Mist.Page. I meane it notI seeke you a better husband
Qui. That's my masterM[aster]. Doctor
An. Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth And bowl'd to death with Turnips
Mist.Page. Cometrouble not your selfe good M[aster]. FentonI will not be your friendnor enemy: My daughter will I question how she loues you And as I finde herso am I affected: Till thenfarewell Sirshe must needs go in Her father will be angry
Fen. Farewell gentle Mistris: farewell Nan
Qui. This is my doing now: Naysaide Iwill you cast away your childe on a Fooleand a Physitian: Looke on M[aster]. Fentonthis is my doing
Fen. I thanke thee: and I pray thee once to night Giue my sweet Nan this Ring: there's for thy paines
Qui. Now heauen send thee good fortunea kinde heart he hath: a woman would run through fire & water for such a kinde heart. But yetI would my Maister had Mistris Anneor I would M[aster]. Slender had her: or (in sooth) I would M[aster]. Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all threefor so I haue promisdand Ile bee as good as my wordbut speciously for M[aster]. Fenton. WellI must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two
Mistresses: what a beast am I to slacke it.
Fal. Bardolfe I say
Bar. Heere Sir
Fal. Gofetch me a quart of Sackeput a tost in't. Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of butchers Offall? and to be throwne in the Thames? Wel if I be seru'd such another trickeIle haue my braines 'tane out and butter'dand giue them to a dogge for a New-yeares gift. The rogues slighted me into the riuer with as little remorseas they would haue drown'de a blinde bitches Puppiesfifteene i'th litter: and you may know by my sizethat I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking: if the bottome were as deepe as hellI shold down. I had beene drown'dbut that the shore was sheluy and shallow: a death that I abhorre: for the water swelles a man; and what a thing should I haue beenewhen I had beene swel'd? I should haue beene a Mountaine of Mummie
Bar. Here's M[istris]. Quickly Sir to speake with you
Fal. Comelet me poure in some Sack to the Thames water: for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snowbals for pilles to coole the reines. Call her in
Bar. Come in woman
Qui. By your leaue: I cry you mercy? Giue your worship good morrow
Fal. Take away these Challices: Gobrew me a pottle of Sacke finely
Bard. With EggesSir? Fal. Simple of it selfe: Ile no Pullet-Spersme in my brewage. How now? Qui. Marry SirI come to your worship from M[istris]. Ford
Fal. Mist[ris]. Ford? I haue had Ford enough: I was thrown into the Ford; I haue my belly full of Ford
Qui. Alas the day(good-heart) that was not her fault: she do's so take on with her men; they mistooke their erection
Fal. So did I mineto build vpon a foolish Womans promise
Qui. Wellshe laments Sir for itthat it would yern your heart to see it: her husband goes this morning a birding; she desires you once more to come to herbetweene eight and nine: I must carry her word quickely she'll make you amends I warrant you
Fal. WellI will visit hertell her so: and bidde her thinke what a man is: Let her consider his frailetyand
then iudge of my merit
Qui. I will tell her
Fal. Do so. Betweene nine and ten saist thou? Qui. Eight and nine Sir
Fal. Wellbe gone: I will not misse her
Qui. Peace be with you Sir
Fal. I meruaile I heare not of Mr Broome: he sent me word to stay within: I like his money well. Ohheere he comes
Ford. Blesse you Sir
Fal. Now M[aster]. Broomeyou come to know What hath past betweene meand Fords wife
Ford. That indeed (Sir Iohn) is my businesse
Fal. M[aster]. Broome I will not lye to you I was at her house the houre she appointed me
Ford. And sped you Sir? Fal. Very ill-fauouredly M[aster]. Broome
Ford. How so sirdid she change her determination?
Fal. No (M[aster]. Broome) but the peaking Curnuto her husband (M[aster]. Broome) dwelling in a continual larum of ielousie coms me in the instant of our encounterafter we had embrastkistprotested& (as it were) spoke the prologue of our Comedy: and at his heelesa rabble of his companions thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper and (forsooth) to serch his house for his wiues Loue
Ford. What? While you were there? Fal. While I was there
For. And did he search for you& could not find you?
Fal. You shall heare. As good lucke would haue it comes in one Mist[ris]. Pagegiues intelligence of Fords approch: and in her inuentionand Fords wiues distraction they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket
Ford. A Buck-basket?
Fal. Yes: a Buck-basket: ram'd mee in with foule Shirts and SmockesSocksfoule Stockingsgreasie Napkinsthat (Master Broome) there was the rankest compound of villanous smellthat euer offended nostrill
Ford. And how long lay you there?
Fal. Nayyou shall heare (Master Broome) what I haue sufferdto bring this woman to euillfor your good: Being thus cram'd in the Basketa couple of Fords knaueshis Hindeswere cald forth by their Mistris to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to Datchet-lane: they tooke me on their shoulders: met the iealous knaue their Master in the doore; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket? I quak'd for feare least the Lunatique Knaue would haue search'd it: but Fate (ordaining he should be a Cuckold) held his hand: wellon went heefor
a searchand away went I for foule Cloathes: But marke the sequell (Master Broome) I suffered the pangs of three seuerall deaths: Firstan intollerable fright to be detected with a iealious rotten Bell-weather: Next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference of a Peckehilt to pointheele to head. And then to be stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking Cloathesthat fretted in their owne grease: thinke of thata man of my Kidney; thinke of that that am as subiect to heate as butter; a man of continuall dissolutionand thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this Bath (when I was more then halfe stew'd in grease (like a Dutch-dish) to be throwne into the Thamesand cooldglowing-hotin that serge like a Horse-shoo; thinke of that; hissing hot: thinke of that (Master Broome.)
Ford. In good sadnesse SirI am sorrythat for my sake you haue sufferd all this. My suite then is desperate: You'll vndertake her no more?
Fal. Master Broome: I will be throwne into Etna as I haue beene into Thamesere I will leaue her thus; her Husband is this morning gone a Birding: I haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting: 'twixt eight and nine is the houre (Master Broome.)
Ford. 'Tis past eight already Sir
Fal. Is it? I will then addresse mee to my appointment: Come to mee at your conuenient leisureand you shall know how I speede: and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enioying her: adiew: you shall haue her (Master Broome) Master Broomeyou shall cuckold Ford
Ford. Hum: ha? Is this a vision? Is this a dreame? doe I sleepe? Master Ford awakeawake Master Ford: ther's a hole made in your best coate (Master Ford:) this 'tis to be married; this 'tis to haue Lynnenand Buckbaskets: WellI will proclaime my selfe what I am: I will now take the Leacher: hee is at my house: hee cannot scape me: 'tis impossible hee should: hee cannot creepe into a halfe-penny pursenor into a PepperBoxe: But least the Diuell that guides himshould aide himI will search impossible places: though what I amI cannot auoide; yet to be what I would notshall not make me tame: If I haue hornesto make one madlet the prouerbe goe with meIle be hornemad.
Actus Quartus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Mistris PageQuicklyWilliamEuans.
Mist.Pag. Is he at M[aster]. Fords already think'st thou?
Qui. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truely he is very couragious madabout his throwing into the water. Mistris Ford desires you to come sodainely
Mist.Pag. Ile be with her by and by: Ile but bring my yong-man here to Schoole: looke where his Master
comes; 'tis a playing day I see: how now Sir Hughno Schoole to day?
Eua. No: Master Slender is let the Boyes leaue to play
Qui 'Blessing of his heart
Mist.Pag. Sir Hughmy husband saies my sonne profits nothing in the world at his Booke: I pray you aske him some questions in his Accidence
Eu. Come hither William; hold vp your head; come
Mist.Pag. Come-on Sirha; hold vp your head; answere your Masterbe not afraid
Eua. Williamhow many Numbers is in Nownes? Will. Two
Qui. TruelyI thought there had bin one Number morebecause they say od's-Nownes
Eua. Peaceyour tatlings. What is (Faire) William? Will. Pulcher
Qu. Powlcats? there are fairer things then Powlcats sure
Eua. You are a very simplicity o'man: I pray you peace. What is (Lapis) William? Will. A Stone
Eua. And what is a Stone (William?) Will. A Peeble
Eua. No; it is Lapis: I pray you remember in your praine
Eua. That is a good William: what is he (William) that do's lend Articles
Will. Articles are borrowed of the Pronoune; and be thus declined. Singulariter nominatiuo hichaechoc
Eua. Nominatiuo highaghog: pray you marke: genitiuo huius: Well: what is your Accusatiue-case? Will. Accusatiuo hinc
Eua. I pray you haue your remembrance (childe) Accusatiuo hinghanghog
Qu. Hang-hogis latten for BaconI warrant you
Eua. Leaue your prables (o'man) What is the Focatiue case (William?) Will. OVocatiuoO
Eua. Remember WilliamFocatiueis caret
Qu. And that's a good roote
Eua. What is your Genitiue case plurall (William?) Will. Genitiue case? Eua. I
Will. Genitiue horumharumhorum
Qu. 'Vengeance of Ginyes case; fie on her; neuer name her (childe) if she be a whore
Eua. For shame o'man
Qu. You doe ill to teach the childe such words: hee teaches him to hicand to hac; which they'll doe fast enough of themseluesand to call horum; fie vpon you
Euans. O'manart thou Lunatics? Hast thou no vnderstandings for thy Cases& the numbers of the Genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creaturesas I would desires
Mi.Page. Pre'thee hold thy peace
Eu. Shew me now (William) some declensions of your Pronounes
Will. ForsoothI haue forgot
Eu. It is Quiquequod; if you forget your Quies your Quesand your Quodsyou must be preeches: Goe your waies and playgo
M.Pag. He is a better scholler then I thought he was
Eu. He is a good sprag-memory: Farewel Mis[tris]. Page
Mis.Page. Adieu good Sir Hugh: Get you home boyCome we stay too long.
Enter FalstoffeMist.FordMist.PageSeruantsFordPageCaius Euans Shallow.
Fal. Mi[stris]. FordYour sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance; I see you are obsequious in your loueand I professe requitall to a haires bredthnot onely Mist[ris]. Ford in the simple office of louebut in all the accustrement complementand ceremony of it: But are you sure of your husband now?
Mis.Ford. Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.) Mis.Page. What hoagossip Ford: what hoa
Mis.Ford. Step into th' chamberSir Iohn
Mis.Page. How now (sweete heart) whose at home besides your selfe? Mis.Ford. Why none but mine owne people
Mis.Page. Indeed? Mis.Ford. No certainly: Speake louder
Mist.Pag. TrulyI am so glad you haue no body here
Mis.Page. Why womanyour husband is in his olde lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husbandso railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues daughtersof what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-outpeere-out that any madnesse I euer yet beheldseem'd but tamenesse ciuilityand patience to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere
Mist.Ford. Whydo's he talke of him?
Mist.Page. Of none but himand sweares he was caried out the last time hee search'd for himin a Basket: Protests to my husband he is now heere& hath drawne him and the rest of their company from their sportto make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foolerie
Mist.Ford. How neere is he Mistris Page? Mist.Pag. Hard byat street end; he wil be here anon
Mist.Ford. I am vndonethe Knight is heere
Mist.Page. Why then you are vtterly sham'd& hee's but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with himaway with him: Better shamethen murther
Mist.Ford. Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe? Fal. NoIle come no more i'th Basket: May I not go out ere he come?
Mist.Page. Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch the doore with Pistolsthat none shall issue out: otherwise you might slip away ere hee came: But what make you heere?
Fal. What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney
Mist.Ford. There they alwaies vse to discharge their Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole
Fal. Where is it?
Mist.Ford. He will seeke there on my word: Neyther PresseCofferChestTrunkeWellVaultbut he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such placesand goes to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the house
Fal. Ile go out then
Mist.Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance you die Sir Iohnvnlesse you go out disguis'd
Mist.Ford. How might we disguise him?
Mist.Page. Alas the day I know notthere is no womans gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might put on a hata mufflerand a kerchiefeand so escape
Fal. Good heartsdeuise something: any extremitie rather then a mischiefe
Mist.Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford has a gowne aboue
Mist.Page. On my word it will serue him: shee's as big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hatand her muffler too: run vp Sir Iohn
Mist.Ford. Gogosweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and I will looke some linnen for your head
Mist.Page. Quickequickewee'le come dresse you straight: put on the gowne the while
Mist.Ford. I would my husband would meete him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he sweares she's a witchforbad her my houseand hath threatned to beate her
Mist.Page. Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell: and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards
Mist.Ford. But is my husband comming? Mist.Page. I in good sadnesse is heand talkes of the basket toohowsoeuer he hath had intelligence
Mist.Ford. Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to carry the basket againeto meete him at the doore with itas they did last time
Mist.Page. Naybut hee'l be heere presently: let's go dresse him like the witch of Brainford
Mist.Ford. Ile first direct my menwhat they shall doe with the basket: Goe vpIle bring linnen for him straight
Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest Varlet We cannot misuse enough: We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo Wiues may be merryand yet honest too: We do not acte that ofteniestand laugh 'Tis oldbut trueStill Swine eats all the draugh
Mist.Ford. Go Sirstake the basket againe on your shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you set it downeobey him: quicklydispatch
1 Ser. Comecometake it vp
2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe
1 Ser. I hope notI had liefe as beare so much lead
Ford. Ibut if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket: Oh you Panderly Rascalsthere's a knot: a gina packe a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd. What wife I say: Comecome forth: behold what honest cloathes you send forth to bleaching
Page. Whythis passes M[aster]. Ford: you are not to goe loose any longeryou must be pinnion'd
Euans. Whythis is Lunaticks: this is maddeas a mad dogge
Shall. Indeed M[aster]. Fordthis is not well indeed
Ford. So say I too Sircome hither Mistris FordMistris Fordthe honest womanthe modest wifethe vertuous creaturethat hath the iealious foole to her husband: I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?
Mist.Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you doeif you suspect me in any dishonesty
Ford. Well said Brazon-facehold it out: Come forth sirrah
Page. This passes
Mist.Ford. Are you not asham'dlet the cloths alone
Ford. I shall finde you anon
Eua. 'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues cloathes? Comeaway
Ford. Empty the basket I say
M.Ford. Why manwhy?
Ford. Master Pageas I am a manthere was one conuay'd out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there againein my house I am sure he is: my Intelligence is truemy iealousie is reasonablepluck me out all the linnen
Mist.Ford. If you find a man therehe shall dye a Fleas death
Page. Heer's no man
Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This wrongs you
Euans. Mr Fordyou must prayand not follow the imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies
Ford. Wellhee's not heere I seeke for
Page. Nonor no where else but in your braine
Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seekeshew no colour for my extremity: Let me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of meas iealous as Fordthat search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once moreonce more serch with me
M.Ford. What hoa (Mistris Page) come you and the old woman downe: my husband will come into the Chamber
Ford. Old woman? what old womans that? M.Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford
Ford. A witcha Queanean olde couzening queane:
Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands do's she? We are simple menwee doe not know what's brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling. She workes by Charmesby Spelsby th' Figure& such dawbry as this isbeyond our Element: wee know nothing. Come downe you Witchyou Hagge youcome downe I say
Mist.Ford. Naygood sweet husbandgood Gentlemen let him strike the old woman
Mist.Page. Come mother PratCome giue me your hand
Ford. Ile Prat-her: Out of my dooreyou Witch you Raggeyou Baggageyou Poulcatyou Runnion outout: Ile coniure youIle fortune-tell you
Mist.Page. Are you not asham'd? I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman
Mist.Ford. Nay he will do it'tis a goodly credite for you
Ford. Hang her witch
Eua. By yeaand noI thinke the o'man is a witch indeede: I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie a great peard vnder his muffler
Ford. Will you follow GentlemenI beseech you follow: see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus vpon no traileneuer trust me when I open againe
Page. Let's obey his humour a little further: Come Gentlemen
Mist.Page. Trust me he beate him most pittifully
Mist.Ford. Nay by th' Masse that he did not: he beate him most vnpittifullyme thought
Mist.Page. Ile haue the cudgell hallow'dand hung ore the Altarit hath done meritorious seruice
Mist.Ford. What thinke you? May we with the warrant of woman-hoodand the witnesse of a good conscience pursue him with any further reuenge?
M.Page. The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out of himif the diuell haue him not in fee-simplewith fine and recoueryhe will neuer (I thinke) in the way of wasteattempt vs againe
Mist.Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue seru'd him?
Mist.Page. Yesby all meanes: if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find in their heartsthe poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be any further afflictedwee two will still bee the ministers
Mist.Ford. Ile warrantthey'l haue him publiquely sham'dand me thinkes there would be no period to the iestshould he not be publikely sham'd
Mist.Page. Cometo the Forge with itthen shape it: I would not haue things coole.
Enter Host and Bardolfe.
Bar. Sirthe Germane desires to haue three of your horses: the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court and they are going to meet him
Host. What Duke should that be comes so secretly? I heare not of him in the Court: let mee speake with the Gentlementhey speake English?
Bar. I Sir? Ile call him to you
Host. They shall haue my horsesbut Ile make them pay: Ile sauce themthey haue had my houses a week at commaund: I haue turn'd away my other gueststhey must come offIle sawce themcome.
Enter PageFordMistris PageMistris Fordand Euans.
Eua. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a o'man as euer I did looke vpon
Page. And did he send you both these Letters at an instant? Mist.Page. Within a quarter of an houre
Ford. Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what y wilt: I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold Then thee with wantonnes: Now doth thy honor stand (In him that was of late an Heretike) As firme as faith
Page. 'Tis well'tis wellno more: Be not as extreme in submissionas in offence But let our plot go forward: Let our wiues Yet once againe (to make vs publike sport) Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow Where we may take himand disgrace him for it
Ford. There is no better way then that they spoke of
Page. How? to send him word they'll meete him in the Parke at midnight? Fiefiehe'll neuer come
Eu. You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers: and has bin greeuously peatenas an old o'man: me-thinkes there should be terrors in himthat he should not come: Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'dhee shall haue no desires
Page. So thinke I too
M.Ford. Deuise but how you'l vse him whe[n] he comes And let vs two deuise to bring him thether
Mis.Page. There is an old tale goesthat Herne the Hunter (sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest) Doth all the winter timeat still midnight Walke round about an Oakewith great rag'd-hornes And there he blasts the treeand takes the cattle And make milch-kine yeeld bloodand shakes a chaine In a most hideous and dreadfull manner. You haue heard of such a Spiritand well you know The superstitious idle-headed-Eld Receiu'dand did deliuer to our age This tale of Herne the Hunterfor a truth
Page. Why yet there want not many that do feare In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake: But what of this?
Mist.Ford. Marry this is our deuise That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs
Page. Welllet it not be doubted but he'll come And in this shapewhen you haue brought him thether What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
Mist.Pa. That likewise haue we thoght vpon: & thus: Nan Page (my daughter) and my little sonne And three or foure more of their growthwee'l dresse Like VrchinsOuphesand Fairiesgreene and white With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads And rattles in their hands; vpon a sodaine As Falstaffesheand Iare newly met Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once With some diffused song: Vpon their sight We twoin great amazednesse will flye: Then let them all encircle him about And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight; And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell In their so sacred patheshe dares to tread In shape prophane
Ford. And till he tell the truth Let the supposed Fairies pinch himsound And burne him with their Tapers
Mist.Page. The truth being knowne We'll all present our selues; dis-horne the spirit And mocke him home to Windsor
Ford. The children must Be practis'd well to thisor they'll neu'r doo't
Eua. I will teach the children their behauiours: and I will be like a Iacke-an-Apes alsoto burne the Knight with my Taber
Ford. That will be excellent Ile go buy them vizards
Mist.Page. My Nan shall be the Queene of all the Fairiesfinely attired in a robe of white
Page. That silke will I go buyand in that time Shall M[aster]. Slender steale my Nan away And marry her at Eaton: gosend to Falstaffe straight
Ford. NayIle to him againe in name of Broome Hee'l tell me all his purpose: sure hee'l come
Mist.Page. Feare not you that: Go get vs properties And tricking for our Fayries
Euans. Let vs about it It is admirable pleasuresand ferry honest knaueries
Mis.Page. Go Mist[ris]. Ford Send quickly to Sir Iohnto know his minde: Ile to the Doctorhe hath my good will And none but he to marry with Nan Page: That Slender (though well landed) is an Ideot: And hemy husband best of all affects: The Doctor is well moniedand his friends Potent at Court: henone but he shall haue her Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her.
Simp. Marry SirI come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe from M[aster]. Slender
Host. There's his Chamberhis Househis Castle his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about with the story of the Prodigallfresh and new: goknock and call: hee'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto thee: Knocke I say
Simp. There's an olde womana fat woman gone vp into his chamber: Ile be so bold as stay Sir till she come downe: I come to speake with her indeed
Host. Ha? A fat woman? The Knight may be robb'd: Ile call. Bully-KnightBully Sir Iohn: speake from thy Lungs Military: Art thou there? It is thine Hostthine Ephesian cals
Fal. How nowmine Host?
Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming downe of thy fat-woman: Let her descend (Bully) let her descend: my Chambers are honourable: Fiepriuacy? Fie
Fal. There was (mine Host) an old-fat-woman euen now with mebut she's gone
Simp. Pray you Sirwas't not the Wise-woman of Brainford? Fal. I marry was it (Mussel-shell) what would you with her?
Simp. My Master (Sir) my master Slendersent to her seeing her go thorough the streetsto know (Sir) whether one Nim (Sir) that beguil'd him of a chainehad the chaineor no
Fal. I spake with the old woman about it
Sim. And what sayes sheI pray Sir?
Fal. Marry shee sayesthat the very same man that beguil'd Master Slender of his Chainecozon'd him of it
Simp. I would I could haue spoken with the Woman her selfeI had other things to haue spoken with her toofrom him
Fal. What are they? let vs know
Host. I: come: quicke
Fal. I may not conceale them (Sir.) Host. Conceale themor thou di'st
Sim. Why sirthey were nothing but about Mistris Anne Pageto know if it were my Masters fortune to haue heror no
Fal. 'Tis'tis his fortune
Sim. What Sir? Fal. To haue heror no: goe; say the woman told me so
Sim. May I be bold to say so Sir? Fal. I Sir: like who more bold
Sim. I thanke your worship: I shall make my Master glad with these tydings
Host. Thou art clearkly: thou art clearkly (Sir Iohn) was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal. I that there was (mine Host) one that hath taught me more witthen euer I learn'd before in my life: and I paid nothing for it neitherbut was paid for my learning
Bar. Out alas (Sir) cozonage: meere cozonage
Host. Where be my horses? speake well of them varletto
Bar. Run away with the cozoners: for so soone as I came beyond Eatonthey threw me offfrom behinde one of themin a slough of myre; and set spurresand away; like three Germane-diuels; three Doctor Faustasses
Host. They are gone but to meete the Duke (villaine) doe not say they be fled: Germanes are honest men
Euan. Where is mine Host?
Host. What is the matter Sir?
Euan. Haue a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to Townetels mee there is three Cozen-Iermansthat has cozend all the Hosts of Reading of Maidenhead; of Cole-brookeof horses and money: I tell you for good will (looke you) you are wiseand full of gibesand vlouting-stocks: and 'tis not conuenient you should be cozoned. Fare you well
Cai. Ver' is mine Host de Iarteere? Host. Here (Master Doctor) in perplexitieand doubtfull delemma
Cai. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a-medat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie: by
my trot: der is no Duke that the Court is knowto come: I tell you for good will: adieu
Host. Huy and cry(villaine) goe: assist me KnightI am vndone: flyrun: huyand cry (villaine) I am vndone
Fal. I would all the world might be cozondfor I haue beene cozond and beaten too: if it should come to the eare of the Courthow I haue beene transformed; and how my transformation hath beene washdand cudgeldthey would melt mee out of my fat drop by dropand liquor Fishermens-boots with me: I warrant they would whip me with their fine witstill I were as crest-falne as a dride-peare: I neuer prosper'dsince I forswore my selfe at Primero: wellif my winde were but long enough; I would repent: Now? Whence come you?
Qui. From the two parties forsooth
Fal. The Diuell take one partieand his Dam the other: and so they shall be both bestowed; I haue suffer'd more for their sakes; more then the villanous inconstancy of mans disposition is able to beare
Qui. And haue not they suffer'd? YesI warrant; speciously one of them; Mistris Ford (good heart) is beaten blacke and blewthat you cannot see a white spot about her
Fal. What tell'st thou mee of blackeand blew? I was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow: and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch of Brainefordbut that my admirable dexteritie of wit my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd methe knaue Constable had set me ith' Stocksith' common Stocksfor a Witch
QuSir: let me speake with you in your Chamber you shall heare how things goeand (I warrant) to your content: here is a Letter will say somewhat: (good-hearts) what adoe here is to bring you together? Sure one of you do's not serue heauen wellthat you are so cross'd
Fal. Come vp into my Chamber.
Host. Master Fentontalke not to meemy minde is heauy: I will giue ouer all
Fen. Yet heare me speake: assist me in my purpose And (as I am a gentleman) ile giue thee A hundred pound in goldmore then your losse
Host. I will heare you (Master Fenton) and I will (at the least) keepe your counsell
Fen. From time to timeI haue acquainted you
With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page Whomutuallyhath answer'd my affection (So farre forthas her selfe might be her chooser) Euen to my wish; I haue a letter from her Of such contentsas you will wonder at; The mirth whereofso larded with my matter That neither (singly) can be manifested Without the shew of both: fat Falstaffe Hath a great Scene; the image of the iest Ile show you here at large (harke good mine Host:) To night at Hernes-Okeiust 'twixt twelue and one Must my sweet Nan present the Faerie-Queene: The purpose whyis here: in which disguise While other Iests are something ranke on foote Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slenderand with himat Eaton Immediately to Marry: She hath consented: Now Sir Her Mother(euen strong against that match And firme for Doctor Caius) hath appointed That he shall likewise shuffle her away While other sports are tasking of their mindes And at the Deanrywhere a Priest attends Strait marry her: to this her Mothers plot She seemingly obedient) likewise hath Made promise to the Doctor: Nowthus it rests Her Father meanes she shall be all in white; And in that habitwhen Slender sees his time To take her by the handand bid her goe She shall goe with him: her Mother hath intended (The better to deuote her to the Doctor; For they must all be mask'dand vizarded) That quaint in greeneshe shall be loose en-roab'd With Ribonds-pendantflaring 'bout her head; And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe To pinch her by the handand on that token The maid hath giuen consent to go with him
Host. Which meanes she to deceiue? Fatheror Mother
Fen. Both (my good Host) to go along with me: And heere it reststhat you'l procure the Vicar To stay for me at Church'twixt twelueand one And in the lawfull name of marrying To giue our hearts vnited ceremony
Host. Wellhusband your deuice; Ile to the Vicar Bring you the Maidyou shall not lacke a Priest
Fen. So shall I euermore be bound to thee; BesidesIle make a present recompence.
Actus Quintus. Scoena Prima.
Enter FalstoffeQuicklyand Ford.
Fal. Pre'thee no more pratling: goIle holdthis is the third time: I hope good lucke lies in odde numbers: Awaygothey say there is Diuinity in odde Numbers either in natiuitychanceor death: away
Qui. Ile prouide you a chaineand Ile do what I can to get you a paire of hornes
Fall. Away I saytime weareshold vp your head & mince. How now M[aster]. Broome? Master Broomethe matter will be knowne to nightor neuer. Bee you in the Parke about midnightat Hernes-Oakeand you shall see wonders
Ford. Went you not to her yesterday (Sir) as you told me you had appointed?
Fal. I went to her (Master Broome) as you seelike a poore-old-manbut I came from her (Master Broome) like a poore-old-woman; that same knaue (Ford hir husband) hath the finest mad diuell of iealousie in him (Master Broome) that euer gouern'd Frensie. I will tell you he beate me greeuouslyin the shape of a woman: (for in the shape of Man (Master Broome) I feare not Goliath with a Weauers beamebecause I know alsolife is a Shuttle) I am in hastgo along with meeIle tell you all (Master Broome:) since I pluckt Geeseplaide Trewant and whipt TopI knew not what 'twas to be beatentill lately. Follow meeIle tell you strange things of this knaue Fordon whom to night I will be reuengedand I will deliuer his wife into your hand. Followstraunge things in hand (M[aster]. Broome) follow.
Page. Comecome: wee'll couch i'th Castle-ditch till we see the light of our Fairies. Remember son Slender my
Slen. I forsoothI haue spoke with her& we haue a nay-wordhow to know one another. I come to her in whiteand cry Mum; she cries Budgetand by that we know one another
Shal. That's good too: But what needes either your Mumor her Budget? The white will decipher her well enough. It hath strooke ten a' clocke
Page. The night is darkeLight and Spirits will become it wel: Heauen prosper our sport. No man means euill but the deuilland we shal know him by his hornes. Lets away: follow me.
Mist.Page. Mr Doctormy daughter is in greenwhen you see your timetake her by the handaway with her to the Deanerieand dispatch it quickly: go before into the Parke: we two must go together
Cai. I know vat I haue to doadieu
Mist.Page. Fare you well (Sir:) my husband will not
reioyce so much at the abuse of Falstaffeas he will chafe at the Doctors marrying my daughter: But 'tis no matter; better a little chidingthen a great deale of heartbreake
Mist.Ford. Where is Nan now? and her troop of Fairies? and the Welch-deuill Herne?
Mist.Page. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Hernes Oakewith obscur'd Lights; which at the very instant of Falstaffes and our meetingthey will at once display to the night
Mist.Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him
Mist.Page. If he be not amaz'd he will be mock'd: If he be amaz'dhe will euery way be mock'd
Mist.Ford. Wee'll betray him finely
Mist.Page. Against such Lewdstersand their lechery Those that betray themdo no treachery
Mist.Ford. The houre drawes-on: to the Oaketo the Oake.
Enter Euans and Fairies.
Euans. Tribtrib Fairies: Comeand remember your parts: be pold (I pray you) follow me into the pitand when I giue the watch-'ordsdo as I pid you: Come cometribtrib.
Enter FalstaffeMistris PageMistris FordEuansAnne Page Fairies PageFordQuicklySlenderFentonCaiusPistoll.
Fal. The Windsor-bell hath stroke twelue: the Minute drawes-on: Now the hot-bloodied-Gods assist me: Remember Iouethou was't a Bull for thy EuropaLoue set on thy hornes. O powerfull Louethat in some respects makes a Beast a Man: in som othera Man a beast. You were also (Iupiter) a Swanfor the loue of Leda: O omnipotent Louehow nere the God drew to the complexion of a Goose: a fault done first in the forme of a beast(O Iouea beastly fault:) and then another fault in the semblance of a Fowlethinke on't (Ioue) a fowle-fault. When Gods haue hot backeswhat shall poore men do? For meI am heere a Windsor Staggeand the fattest (I thinke) i'th Forrest. Send me a coole rut-time (Ioue) or who can blame me to pisse my Tallow? Who comes heere? my Doe?
M.Ford. Sir Iohn? Art thou there (my Deere?) My male-Deere?
Fal. My Doewith the blacke Scut? Let the skie raine Potatoes: let it thunderto the tune of Greenesleeues haile-kissing Comfitsand snow Eringoes: Let
there come a tempest of prouocationI will shelter mee heere
M.Ford. Mistris Page is come with me (sweet hart.)
Fal. Diuide me like a brib'd-Buckeeach a Haunch: I will keepe my sides to my selfemy shoulders for the fellow of this walke; and my hornes I bequeath your husbands. Am I a Woodmanha? Speake I like Herne the Hunter? Whynow is Cupid a child of conscience he makes restitution. As I am a true spiritwelcome
Fal. What should this be? M.Ford. M.Page. Awayaway
Fal. I thinke the diuell wil not haue me damn'd Least the oyle that's in me should set hell on fire; He would neuer else crosse me thus.
Qui. Fairies blackegraygreeneand white You Moone-shine reuellersand shades of night. You Orphan heires of fixed destiny Attend your officeand your quality. Crier Hob-goblynmake the Fairy Oyes
Pist. Elueslist your names: Silence you aiery toyes. Cricketto Windsor-chimnies shalt thou leape; Where fires thou find'st vnrak'dand hearths vnswept There pinch the Maids as blew as Bill-berry Our radiant Queenehates Slutsand Sluttery
Fal. They are Fairieshe that speaks to them shall die Ile winkeand couch: No man their workes must eie
Eu. Wher's Bede? Go youand where you find a maid That ere she sleepe has thrice her prayers said Raise vp the Organs of her fantasie Sleepe she as sound as carelesse infancie But those as sleepeand thinke not on their sins Pinch them armeslegsbackesshoulderssides& shins
Qu. Aboutabout: Search Windsor Castle (Elues) withinand out. Strew good lucke (Ouphes) on euery sacred roome That it may stand till the perpetuall doome In state as wholsomeas in state 'tis fit Worthy the Ownerand the Owner it. The seuerall Chaires of Orderlooke you scowre With iuyce of Balme; and euery precious flowre Each faire InstalmentCoateand seu'rall Crest With loyall Blazoneuermore be blest. And Nightly-meadow-Fairieslooke you sing Like to the Garters-Compassein a ring Th' expressure that it beares: Greene let it be More fertile-fresh then all the Field to see: AndHony Soit Qui Maly-Pencewrite In Emrold-tuffesFlowres purpleblewand white Like Saphire-pearleand rich embroiderie Buckled below faire Knight-hoods bending knee; Fairies vse Flowres for their characterie.
Awaydisperse: But till 'tis one a clocke Our Dance of Customeround about the Oke Of Herne the Hunterlet vs not forget
Euan. Pray you lock hand in hand: your selues in order set: And twenty glow-wormes shall our Lanthornes bee To guide our Measure round about the Tree. But stayI smell a man of middle earth
Fal. Heauens defend me from that Welsh Fairy Least he transforme me to a peece of Cheese
Pist. Vilde wormethou wast ore-look'd euen in thy birth
Qu. With Triall-fire touch me his finger end: If he be chastethe flame will backe descend And turne him to no paine: but if he start It is the flesh of a corrupted hart
Pist. A triallcome
Eua. Come: will this wood take fire? Fal. Ohohoh
Qui. Corruptcorruptand tainted in desire. About him (Fairies) sing a scornfull rime And as you tripstill pinch him to your time.
Fie on sinnefull phantasie: Fie on Lustand Luxurie: Lust is but a bloudy firekindled with vnchaste desire Fed in heart whose flames aspire As thoughts do blow them higher and higher. Pinch him (Fairies) mutually: Pinch him for his villanie. Pinch himand burne himand turne him about Till Candles& Star-light& Moone-shine be out
Page. Nay do not flyeI thinke we haue watcht you now: Will none but Herne the Hunter serue your turne?
M.Page. I pray you comehold vp the iest no higher. Now (good Sir Iohn) how like you Windsor wiues? See you these husband? Do not these faire yoakes Become the Forrest better then the Towne?
Ford. Now Sirwhose a Cuckold now? Mr BroomeFalstaffes a Knauea Cuckoldly knaue Heere are his hornes Master Broome: And Master Broomehe hath enioyed nothing of Fords but his Buck-baskethis cudgelland twenty pounds of moneywhich must be paid to Mr Broomehis horses are arrested for itMr Broome
M.Ford. Sir Iohnwe haue had ill lucke: wee could neuer meete: I will neuer take you for my Loue againe but I will alwayes count you my Deere
Fal. I do begin to perceiue that I am made an Asse
Ford. Iand an Oxe too: both the proofes are extant
Fal. And these are not Fairies: I was three or foure times in the thought they were not
Fairiesand yet the guiltinesse of my mindethe sodaine surprize of my powersdroue the grossenesse of the foppery into a receiu'd beleefein despight of the teeth of all rime and reasonthat they were Fairies. See now how wit may be made a Iacke-a-Lentwhen 'tis vpon ill imployment
Euans. Sir Iohn Falstaffeserue Gotand leaue your desiresand Fairies will not pinse you
Ford. Well said Fairy Hugh
Euans. And leaue you your iealouzies tooI pray you
Ford. I will neuer mistrust my wife againetill thou art able to woo her in good English
Fal. Haue I laid my braine in the Sunand dri'de it that it wants matter to preuent so grosse ore-reaching as this? Am I ridden with a Welch Goate too? Shal I haue a Coxcombe of Frize? Tis time I were choak'd with a peece of toasted Cheese
Eu. Seese is not good to giue putter; your belly is al putter
Fal. Seeseand Putter? Haue I liu'd to stand at the taunt of one that makes Fritters of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the Realme
Mist.Page. Why Sir Iohndo you thinke though wee would haue thrust vertue out of our hearts by the head and shouldersand haue giuen our selues without scruple to hellthat euer the deuill could haue made you our delight?
Ford. Whata hodge-pudding? A bag of flax? Mist.Page. A puft man? Page. Oldcoldwither'dand of intollerable entrailes? Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Sathan? Page. And as poore as Iob? Ford. And as wicked as his wife? Euan. And giuen to Fornicationsand to Tauernes
and Sackeand Wineand Metheglinsand to drinkings and swearingsand starings? Pribles and prables?
Fal. WellI am your Theame: you haue the start of meI am deiected: I am not able to answer the Welch FlannellIgnorance it selfe is a plummet ore mevse me as you will
Ford. Marry Sirwee'l bring you to Windsor to one Mr Broomethat you haue cozon'd of moneyto whom you should haue bin a Pander: ouer and aboue that you haue suffer'dI thinketo repay that money will be a biting affliction
Page. Yet be cheerefull Knight: thou shalt eat a posset to night at my housewher I will desire thee to laugh at my wifethat now laughes at thee: Tell her Mr Slender hath married her daughter
Mist.Page. Doctors doubt that; If Anne Page be my daughtershe is (by this) Doctour
Slen. Whoa hoehoeFather Page
Page. Sonne? How now? How now Sonne Haue you dispatch'd? Slen. Dispatch'd? Ile make the best in Glostershire know on't: would I were hang'd laelse
Page. Of what sonne?
Slen. I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistris Anne Pageand she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not bene i'th ChurchI would haue swing'd himor hee should haue swing'd me. If I did not thinke it had beene Anne Pagewould I might neuer stirreand 'tis a Post-masters Boy
Page. Vpon my life thenyou tooke the wrong
Slen. What neede you tell me that? I think sowhen I tooke a Boy for a Girle: If I had bene married to him (for all he was in womans apparrell) I would not haue had him
Page. Why this is your owne folly Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter By her garments?
Slen. I went to her in greeneand cried Mumand she cride budgetas Anne and I had appointedand yet it was not Annebut a Post-masters boy
Mist.Page. Good George be not angryI knew of your purpose: turn'd my daughter into whiteand indeede she is now with the Doctor at the Deanrieand there married
Cai. Ver is Mistris Page: by gar I am cozonedI ha married oon Garsoona boy; oon pesantby gar. A boy it is not An Pageby garI am cozened
M.Page. Why? did you take her in white? Cai. I bee garand 'tis a boy: be garIle raise all Windsor
Ford. This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne? Page. My heart misgiues mehere comes Mr Fenton.
How now Mr Fenton? Anne. Pardon good fathergood my mother pardon Page. Now Mistris:
How chance you went not with Mr Slender? M.Page. Why went you not with Mr Doctormaid? Fen. You do amaze her: heare the truth of it
You would haue married her most shamefully Where there was no proportion held in loue: The truth isshe and I (long since contracted) Are now so sure that nothing can dissolue vs: Th' offence is holythat she hath committed And this deceit looses the name of craft Of disobedienceor vnduteous title Since therein she doth euitate and shun A thousand irreligious cursed houres Which forced marriage would haue brought vpon her
Ford. Stand not amaz'dhere is no remedie:
In Louethe heauens themselues do guide the state Money buyes Landsand wiues are sold by fate
Fal. I am gladthough you haue tane a special stand to strike at methat your Arrow hath glanc'd
Page. Wellwhat remedy? Fentonheauen giue thee ioywhat cannot be eschew'dmust be embrac'd
Fal. When night-dogges runall sorts of Deere are chac'd
Mist.Page. WellI will muse no further: Mr Fenton Heauen giue you manymany merry dayes: Good husbandlet vs euery one go home And laugh this sport ore by a Countrie fire Sir Iohn and all
Ford. Let it be so (Sir Iohn:) To Master Broomeyou yet shall hold your word For heto nightshall lye with Mistris Ford: