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To theRight Honourable Mr Pitt.

SirNever poorWight of a Dedicator had less hopes from his Dedicationthan Ihave fromthis of mine; for it is written in a bye corner of the kingdomand in aretir'd thatch'd housewhere I live in a constant endeavour tofenceagainst the infirmities of ill healthand other evils of lifebymirth;being firmly persuaded that every time a man smilesbut much moresowhenhe laughsit adds something to this Fragment of Life.

I humblybegSirthat you will honour this bookby taking it [not underyourProtectionit must protect itselfbut] into the country with you;whereifI am ever toldit has made you smile; or can conceive it hasbeguiledyou of one moment's painI shall think myself as happy as aministerof state; perhaps much happier than any one [one only excepted]that Ihave read or heard of.

I amGreat Sir[andwhat is more to your Honour] I amGood SirYourWell-wisherand most humble Fellow-subject

TheAuthor.

 ChapterI.

I wisheither my father or my motheror indeed both of themas they werein dutyboth equally bound to ithad minded what they were about when theybegot me;had they duly consider'd how much depended upon what they werethendoing; that not only the production of a rational Being was concernedin itbutthat possibly the happy formation and temperature of his bodyperhapshis genius and the very cast of his mind; andfor aught they knewto thecontraryeven the fortunes of his whole house might take their turnfrom thehumours and dispositions which were then uppermost; Had they dulyweighedand considered all thisand proceeded accordinglyI am verilypersuadedI should have made a quite different figure in the worldfromthat inwhich the reader is likely to see me. Believe megood folksthisis not soinconsiderable a thing as many of you may think it; you haveallIdare sayheard of the animal spiritsas how they are transfusedfromfather to son& c. & c. and a great deal to that purpose: Wellyoumay takemy wordthat nine parts in ten of a man's sense or his nonsensehissuccesses and miscarriages in this world depend upon their motionsandactivityand the different tracks and trains you put them intoso thatwhen theyare once set a-goingwhether right or wrong'tis not a half-pennymatteraway they go cluttering like hey-go mad; and by treading thesame stepsover and over againthey presently make a road of itas plainand assmooth as a garden-walkwhichwhen they are once used totheDevilhimself sometimes shall not be able to drive them off it.

Pray myDearquoth my motherhave you not forgot to wind up the clock?Good G. . !cried my fathermaking an exclamationbut taking care tomoderatehis voice at the same timeDid ever womansince the creation ofthe worldinterrupt a man with such a silly question?   Praywhat was yourfathersaying? Nothing.

 ChapterII.

Thenpositivelythere is nothing in the question that I can seeeithergood orbad. Thenlet me tell youSirit was a very unseasonablequestionat leastbecause it scattered and dispersed the animal spiritswhosebusiness it was to have escorted and gone hand in hand with theHomunculusand conducted him safe to the place destined for his reception.

TheHomunculusSirin however low and ludicrous a light he may appearinthis ageof levityto the eye of folly or prejudice; to the eye of reasoninscientific researchhe stands confesseda Being guarded andcircumscribedwith rights. The minutest philosopherswho by the byehavethe mostenlarged understandings[their souls being inversely as theirenquiries]shew us incontestablythat the Homunculus is created by thesamehandengendered in the same course of natureendow'd with the sameloco-motivepowers and faculties with us: That he consists as we doofskinhairfatfleshveinsarteriesligamentsnervescartilagesbonesmarrowbrainsglandsgenitalshumoursand articulations; is aBeing ofas much activityand in all senses of the wordas much and astruly ourfellow-creature as my Lord Chancellor of England. He may bebenefittedhemay be injuredhe may obtain redress; in a wordhe hasall theclaims and rights of humanitywhich TullyPuffendorfor the bestethickwriters allow to arise out of that state and relation.

NowdearSirwhat if any accident had befallen him in his way alone! orthatthrough terror of itnatural to so young a travellermy littleGentlemanhad got to his journey's end miserably spent; his muscularstrengthand virility worn down to a thread; his own animal spiritsruffledbeyond descriptionand that in this sad disorder'd state ofnerveshehad lain down a prey to sudden startsor a series of melancholydreams andfanciesfor nine longlong months together. I tremble tothink whata foundation had been laid for a thousand weaknesses both ofbody andmindwhich no skill of the physician or the philosopher couldeverafterwards have set thoroughly to rights.

 ChapterIII.

To myuncle Mr Toby Shandy do I stand indebted for the preceding anecdoteto whom myfatherwho was an excellent natural philosopherand much givento closereasoning upon the smallest mattershad oftand heavilycomplainedof the injury; but once more particularlyas my uncle Toby wellremember'dupon his observing a most unaccountable obliquity[as hecall'd it]in my manner of setting up my topand justifying the principlesupon whichI had done itthe old gentleman shook his headand in a tonemoreexpressive by half of sorrow than reproachhe said his heart allalongforebodedand he saw it verified in thisand from a thousand otherobservationshe had made upon meThat I should neither think nor act likeany otherman's child: But alas! continued heshaking his head a secondtimeandwiping away a tear which was trickling down his cheeksMyTristram'smisfortunes began nine months before ever he came into theworld.

My motherwho was sitting bylook'd upbut she knew no more than herbacksidewhat my father meantbut my uncleMr. Toby Shandywho had beenofteninformed of the affairunderstood him very well.

 ChapterIV.

I knowthere are readers in the worldas well as many other good people initwhoare no readers at allwho find themselves ill at easeunlessthey arelet into the whole secret from first to lastof every thing whichconcernsyou.

It is inpure compliance with this humour of theirsand from abackwardnessin my nature to disappoint any one soul livingthat I havebeen sovery particular already.   As my life and opinions are likely tomake somenoise in the worldandif I conjecture rightwill take in allranksprofessionsand denominations of men whateverbe no less readthan thePilgrim's Progress itselfand in the endprove the very thingwhichMontaigne dreaded his Essays should turn outthat isa book for aparlour-window; Ifind it necessary to consult every one a little in histurn; andtherefore must beg pardon for going on a little farther in thesame way:  For which causeright glad I amthat I have begun the historyof myselfin the way I have done; and that I am able to go ontracingeverything in itas Horace saysab Ovo.

HoraceIknowdoes not recommend this fashion altogether:   But thatgentlemanis speaking only of an epic poem or a tragedy; [I forget which]besidesif it was not soI should beg Mr Horace's pardon; for in writingwhat Ihave set aboutI shall confine myself neither to his rulesnor toany man'srules that ever lived.

To suchhowever as do not choose to go so far back into these thingsI cangive nobetter advice than that they skip over the remaining part of thischapter;for I declare before-hand'tis wrote only for the curious andinquisitive.

Shut thedoor.

I wasbegot in the night betwixt the first Sunday and the first Monday inthe monthof Marchin the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred andeighteen.  I am positive I was. But how I came to be so very particular inmy accountof a thing which happened before I was bornis owing to anothersmallanecdote known only in our own familybut now made publick for thebetterclearing up this point.

My fatheryou must knowwho was originally a Turkey merchantbut hadleft offbusiness for some yearsin order to retire toand die uponhispaternalestate in the county of. . .wasI believeone of the mostregularmen in every thing he didwhether 'twas matter of businessormatter ofamusementthat ever lived.   As a small specimen of this extremeexactnessof histo which he was in truth a slavehe had made it a rulefor manyyears of his lifeon the first Sunday-night of every monththroughoutthe whole yearas certain as ever the Sunday-night cametowind up alarge house-clockwhich we had standing on the back-stairs headwith hisown hands: And being somewhere between fifty and sixty years ofage at thetime I have been speaking ofhe had likewise gradually broughtsome otherlittle family concernments to the same periodin orderas hewouldoften say to my uncle Tobyto get them all out of the way at onetimeandbe no more plagued and pestered with them the rest of the month.

It wasattended but with one misfortunewhichin a great measurefelluponmyselfand the effects of which I fear I shall carry with me to mygrave;namelythat from an unhappy association of ideaswhich have noconnectionin natureit so fell out at lengththat my poor mother couldnever hearthe said clock wound upbut the thoughts of some other thingsunavoidablypopped into her head& vice versa: Which strange combinationof ideasthe sagacious Lockewho certainly understood the nature of thesethingsbetter than most menaffirms to have produced more wry actions thanall othersources of prejudice whatsoever.

But thisby the bye.

Now itappears by a memorandum in my father's pocket-bookwhich now liesupon thetable'That on Lady-daywhich was on the 25th of the same monthin which Idate my genituremy father set upon his journey to Londonwith myeldest brother Bobbyto fix him at Westminster school; ' andas itappearsfrom the same authority'That he did not get down to his wife andfamilytill the second week in May following'it brings the thing almostto acertainty.   Howeverwhat follows in the beginning of the nextchapterputs it beyond all possibility of a doubt.

But praySirWhat was your father doing all DecemberJanuaryandFebruary? WhyMadamhe was all that time afflicted with a Sciatica.

 ChapterV.

On thefifth day of November1718which to the aera fixed onwas as nearninekalendar months as any husband could in reason have expectedwas ITristramShandyGentlemanbrought forth into this scurvy and disastrousworld ofours. I wish I had been born in the Moonor in any of theplanets[except Jupiter or Saturnbecause I never could bear coldweather]for it could not well have fared worse with me in any of them[though Iwill not answer for Venus] than it has in this viledirty planetofourswhicho' my consciencewith reverence be it spokenI take tobe made upof the shreds and clippings of the rest; not but the planet iswellenoughprovided a man could be born in it to a great title or to agreatestate; or could any how contrive to be called up to public chargesandemployments of dignity or power; but that is not my case; andthereforeevery man will speak of the fair as his own market has gone init; forwhich cause I affirm it over again to be one of the vilest worldsthat everwas made; for I can truly saythat from the first hour I drewmy breathin itto thisthat I can now scarce draw it at allfor anasthma Igot in scating against the wind in Flanders; I have been thecontinualsport of what the world calls Fortune; and though I will notwrong herby sayingShe has ever made me feel the weight of any great orsignalevil; yet with all the good temper in the world I affirm it of herthat inevery stage of my lifeand at every turn and corner where shecould getfairly at methe ungracious duchess has pelted me with a set ofas pitifulmisadventures and cross accidents as ever small Hero sustained.

 ChapterVI.

In thebeginning of the last chapterI informed you exactly when I wasborn; butI did not inform you how.   Nothat particular was reservedentirelyfor a chapter by itself; besidesSiras you and I are in amannerperfect strangers to each otherit would not have been proper tohave letyou into too many circumstances relating to myself all at once.

You musthave a little patience.   I have undertakenyou seeto writenot onlymy lifebut my opinions also; hoping and expecting that yourknowledgeof my characterand of what kind of a mortal I amby the onewould giveyou a better relish for the other:   As you proceed farther withmetheslight acquaintancewhich is now beginning betwixt uswill growintofamiliarity; and that unless one of us is in faultwill terminate infriendship. Odiem praeclarum! then nothing which has touched me will bethoughttrifling in its natureor tedious in its telling.   Thereforemydearfriend and companionif you should think me somewhat sparing of mynarrativeon my first setting outbear with meand let me go onandtell mystory my own way: Orif I should seem now and then to trifle upontheroador should sometimes put on a fool's cap with a bell to itfor amoment ortwo as we pass alongdon't fly offbut rather courteouslygive mecredit for a little more wisdom than appears upon my outside; andas we jogoneither laugh with meor at meor in short do any thingonly keepyour temper.

 ChapterVII.

In thesame village where my father and my mother dweltdwelt also a thinuprightmotherlynotablegood old body of a midwifewho with the helpof alittle plain good senseand some years full employment in herbusinessin which she had all along trusted little to her own effortsanda greatdeal to those of dame Naturehad acquiredin her wayno smalldegree ofreputation in the world: by which word worldneed I in thisplaceinform your worshipthat I would be understood to mean no more ofitthan asmall circle described upon the circle of the great worldoffourEnglish miles diameteror thereaboutsof which the cottage wherethegood oldwoman lived is supposed to be the centre? She had been left itseems awidow in great distresswith three or four small childrenin herforty-seventhyear; and as she was at that time a person of decentcarriagegravedeportmenta woman moreover of few words and withal anobject ofcompassionwhose distressand silence under itcalled out thelouder fora friendly lift:   the wife of the parson of the parish wastouchedwith pity; and having often lamented an inconvenience to which herhusband'sflock had for many years been exposedinasmuch as there was nosuch thingas a midwifeof any kind or degreeto be got atlet the casehave beennever so urgentwithin less than six or seven long miles riding;which saidseven long miles in dark nights and dismal roadsthe countrythereaboutsbeing nothing but a deep claywas almost equal to fourteen;and thatin effect was sometimes next to having no midwife at all; it cameinto herheadthat it would be doing as seasonable a kindness to the wholeparishasto the poor creature herselfto get her a little instructed insome ofthe plain principles of the businessin order to set her up in it.

As nowoman thereabouts was better qualified to execute the plan she hadformedthan herselfthe gentlewoman very charitably undertook it; andhavinggreat influence over the female part of the parishshe found nodifficultyin effecting it to the utmost of her wishes.   In truththeparsonjoin'd his interest with his wife's in the whole affairand inorder todo things as they should beand give the poor soul as good atitle bylaw to practiseas his wife had given by institutionhecheerfullypaid the fees for the ordinary's licence himselfamounting inthe wholeto the sum of eighteen shillings and four pence; so that betwixtthem boththe good woman was fully invested in the real and corporalpossessionof her officetogether with all its rightsmembersandappurtenanceswhatsoever.

These lastwordsyou must knowwere not according to the old form inwhich suchlicencesfacultiesand powers usually ranwhich in like caseshadheretofore been granted to the sisterhood.   But it was accordingto aneatFormula of Didius his own devisingwho having a particular turn fortaking topiecesand new framing over again all kind of instruments inthat waynot only hit upon this dainty amendmentbut coaxed many of theoldlicensed matrons in the neighbourhoodto open their facultiesafreshin orderto have this wham-wham of his inserted.

I own Inever could envy Didius in these kinds of fancies of his: Butevery manto his own taste. Did not Dr Kunastrokiusthat great manathisleisure hourstake the greatest delight imaginable in combing ofassestailsandplucking the dead hairs out with his teeththough he hadtweezersalways in his pocket?   Nayif you come to thatSirhave notthewisest ofmen in all agesnot excepting Solomon himselfhave they nothad theirHobby-Horses; their running horsestheir coins and theircockle-shellstheir drums and their trumpetstheir fiddlestheirpalletstheirmaggots and their butterflies? and so long as a man rideshisHobby-Horse peaceably and quietly along the King's highwayandneithercompelsyou or me to get up behind himpraySirwhat have either you orI to dowith it?

 ChapterVIII.

Degustibus non est disputandum; that isthere is no disputing againstHobby-Horses;and for my partI seldom do; nor could I with any sort ofgracehadI been an enemy to them at the bottom; for happeningat certainintervalsand changes of the moonto be both fidler and painteraccordingas the flystings: Be it known to youthat I keep a couple of padsmyselfupon whichin their turns[nor do I care who knows it] Ifrequentlyride out and take the air; though sometimesto my shame be itspokenItake somewhat longer journies than what a wise man would thinkaltogetherright. But the truth isI am not a wise man; and besides ama mortalof so little consequence in the worldit is not much matter whatI do:  so I seldom fret or fume at all about it:   Nor does it muchdisturbmy restwhen I see such great Lords and tall Personages as hereafterfollow; suchfor instanceas my Lord ABCDEFGHIKLMNOPQand so onall of a rowmounted upon their several horsessome withlarge stirrupsgetting on in a more grave and sober pace;others onthe contrarytucked up to their very chinswith whips acrosstheirmouthsscouring and scampering it away like so many little party-coloureddevils astride a mortgageand as if some of them were resolvedto breaktheir necks. So much the bettersay I to myself; for in casethe worstshould happenthe world will make a shift to do excellently wellwithoutthem; and for the restwhyGod speed theme'en let them ride onwithoutopposition from me; for were their lordships unhorsed this verynight'tisten to one but that many of them would be worse mounted by onehalfbefore tomorrow morning.

Not one ofthese instances therefore can be said to break in upon my rest. --But thereis an instancewhich I own puts me off my guardand that iswhen I seeone born for great actionsand what is still more for hishonourwhose nature ever inclines him to good ones; when I behold such aonemyLordlike yourselfwhose principles and conduct are as generousand nobleas his bloodand whomfor that reasona corrupt world cannotspare onemoment; when I see such a onemy Lordmountedthough it isbut for aminute beyond the time which my love to my country has prescribedto himand my zeal for his glory wishesthenmy LordI cease to be aphilosopherand in the first transport of an honest impatienceI wish theHobby-Horsewith all his fraternityat the Devil.

 'My LordI maintainthis to be a dedicationnotwithstanding its singularity in thethreegreat essentials of matterform and place:   I begthereforeyouwillaccept it as suchand that you will permit me to lay itwith themostrespectful humilityat your Lordship's feetwhen you are upon them--which youcan be when you please; and that ismy Lordwhenever there isoccasionfor itand I will addto the best purposes too.   I have thehonour tobe

MyLord

YourLordship's most obedientandmost devotedandmost humble servantTristramShandy. '

 ChapterIX.

I solemnlydeclare to all mankindthat the above dedication was made forno onePrincePrelatePopeor PotentateDukeMarquisEarlViscountor Baronof thisor any other Realm in Christendom; nor has it yet beenhawkedaboutor offered publicly or privatelydirectly or indirectlytoany oneperson or personagegreat or small; but is honestly a true Virgin-Dedicationuntried onupon any soul living.

I labourthis point so particularlymerely to remove any offence orobjectionwhich might arise against it from the manner in which I proposeto makethe most of it; which is the putting it up fairly to public sale;which Inow do.

Everyauthor has a way of his own in bringing his points to bear; for myown partas I hate chaffering and higgling for a few guineas in a darkentry; Iresolved within myselffrom the very beginningto deal squarelyand openlywith your Great Folks in this affairand try whether I shouldnot comeoff the better by it.

Iftherefore there is any one DukeMarquisEarlViscountor Baroninthese hisMajesty's dominionswho stands in need of a tightgenteeldedicationand whom the above will suit[for by the byeunless it suitsin somedegreeI will not part with it] it is much at his service forfiftyguineas; which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it ought tobeafforded forby any man of genius.

My Lordif you examine it over againit is far from being a gross pieceofdaubingas some dedications are.   The designyour Lordshipseesisgoodthecolouring transparentthe drawing not amiss; or to speak morelike a manof scienceand measure my piece in the painter's scaledividedinto 20I believemy Lordthe outlines will turn out as 12thecomposition as 9the colouring as 6the expression 13 and a halfand thedesignif I may be allowedmy Lordto understand my own designandsupposing absolute perfection in designingto be as 20I think itcannotwell fall short of 19.   Besides all thisthere is keeping in itand thedark strokes in the Hobby-Horse[which is a secondary figureanda kind ofback-ground to the whole] give great force to the principallights inyour own figureand make it come off wonderfully; and besidesthere isan air of originality in the tout ensemble.

Bepleasedmy good Lordto order the sum to be paid into the hands ofMr.Dodsleyfor the benefit of the author; and in the next edition care shallbe takenthat this chapter be expungedand your Lordship's titlesdistinctionsarmsand good actionsbe placed at the front of theprecedingchapter:   All whichfrom the wordsDe gustibus non estdisputandumand whatever else in this book relates to Hobby-Horsesbut nomoreshall stand dedicated to your Lordship. The rest I dedicate to theMoonwhoby the byeof all the Patrons or Matrons I can think ofhasmost powerto set my book a-goingand make the world run mad after it.

BrightGoddessIf thouart not too busy with Candid and Miss Cunegund's affairstakeTristramShandy's under thy protection also.

 ChapterX.

Whateverdegree of small merit the act of benignity in favour of themidwifemight justly claimor in whom that claim truly restedat firstsightseems not very material to this history; certain however it wasthat thegentlewomanthe parson's wifedid run away at that time with thewhole ofit:   And yetfor my lifeI cannot help thinking but that theparsonhimselfthough he had not the good fortune to hit upon the designfirstyetas he heartily concurred in it the moment it was laid beforehimandas heartily parted with his money to carry it into executionhada claim tosome share of itif not to a full half of whatever honour wasdue to it.

The worldat that time was pleased to determine the matter otherwise.

Lay downthe bookand I will allow you half a day to give a probable guessat thegrounds of this procedure.

Be itknown thenthatfor about five years before the date of themidwife'slicenceof which you have had so circumstantial an accounttheparson wehave to do with had made himself a country-talk by a breach ofalldecorumwhich he had committed against himselfhis stationand hisoffice; andthat was in never appearing betteror otherwise mountedthanupon aleansorryjackass of a horsevalue about one pound fifteenshillings;whoto shorten all description of himwas full brother toRosinanteas far as similitude congenial could make him; for he answeredhisdescription to a hair-breadth in every thingexcept that I do notremember'tis any where saidthat Rosinante was broken-winded; and thatmoreoverRosinanteas is the happiness of most Spanish horsesfat orleanwasundoubtedly a horse at all points.

I knowvery well that the Hero's horse was a horse of chaste deportmentwhich mayhave given grounds for the contrary opinion:   But it is ascertain atthe same time that Rosinante's continency [as may bedemonstratedfrom the adventure of the Yanguesian carriers] proceeded fromno bodilydefect or cause whatsoeverbut from the temperance and orderlycurrent ofhis blood. And let me tell youMadamthere is a great deal ofvery goodchastity in the worldin behalf of which you could not say morefor yourlife.

Let thatbe as it mayas my purpose is to do exact justice to everycreaturebrought upon the stage of this dramatic workI could not stiflethisdistinction in favour of Don Quixote's horse; in all other pointstheparson's horseI saywas just such anotherfor he was as leanandas lankand as sorry a jadeas Humility herself could have bestrided.

In theestimation of here and there a man of weak judgmentit was greatlyin theparson's power to have helped the figure of this horse of hisforhe wasmaster of a very handsome demi-peaked saddlequilted on the seatwith greenplushgarnished with a double row of silver-headed studsand anoble pairof shining brass stirrupswith a housing altogether suitableof greysuperfine clothwith an edging of black laceterminating in adeepblacksilk fringepoudre d'orall which he had purchased in thepride andprime of his lifetogether with a grand embossed bridleornamentedat all points as it should be. But not caring to banter hisbeasthehad hung all these up behind his study door:   andin lieu ofthemhadseriously befitted him with just such a bridle and such a saddleas thefigure and value of such a steed might well and truly deserve.

In theseveral sallies about his parishand in the neighbouring visits tothe gentrywho lived around himyou will easily comprehendthat theparsonsoappointedwould both hear and see enough to keep his philosophyfromrusting.   To speak the truthhe never could enter a villagebut hecaught theattention of both old and young. Labour stood still as hepass'dthebucket hung suspended in the middle of the wellthe spinning-wheelforgot its roundeven chuck-farthing and shuffle-cap themselvesstoodgaping till he had got out of sight; and as his movement was not ofthequickesthe had generally time enough upon his hands to make hisobservationstohear the groans of the seriousand the laughter of thelight-hearted;all which he bore with excellent tranquillity. Hischaracterwashe loved a jest in his heartand as he saw himself in thetrue pointof ridiculehe would say he could not be angry with others forseeing himin a lightin which he so strongly saw himself:   So that to hisfriendswho knew his foible was not the love of moneyand who thereforemade theless scruple in bantering the extravagance of his humourinsteadof givingthe true causehe chose rather to join in the laugh againsthimself;and as he never carried one single ounce of flesh upon his ownbonesbeing altogether as spare a figure as his beasthe would sometimesinsistupon itthat the horse was as good as the rider deserved; thatthey werecentaur-likeboth of a piece.   At other timesand in othermoodswhen his spirits were above the temptation of false withe wouldsayhefound himself going off fast in a consumption; andwith greatgravitywould pretendhe could not bear the sight of a fat horsewithoutadejection of heartand a sensible alteration in his pulse; and thathehad madechoice of the lean one he rode uponnot only to keep himself incountenancebut in spirits.

Atdifferent times he would give fifty humorous and apposite reasons forriding ameek-spirited jade of a broken-winded horsepreferably to one ofmettle; foron such a one he could fit mechanicallyand meditate asdelightfullyde vanitate mundi et fuga faeculias with the advantage of adeath's-headbefore him; thatin all other exercitationshe could spendhis timeas he rode slowly alongto as much account as in his study;that hecould draw up an argument in his sermonor a hole in hisbreechesas steadily on the one as in the other; that brisk trotting andslowargumentationlike wit and judgmentwere two incompatiblemovements. Butthat upon his steedhe could unite and reconcile everythinghecould compose his sermonhe could compose his coughandincasenature gave a call that wayhe could likewise compose himself tosleep. Inshortthe parson upon such encounters would assign any causebut thetrue causeand he with-held the true oneonly out of a nicety oftemperbecause he thought it did honour to him.

But thetruth of the story was as follows:   In the first years of thisgentleman'slifeand about the time when the superb saddle and bridle werepurchasedby himit had been his manneror vanityor call it what youwilltorun into the opposite extreme. In the language of the countywhere hedwelthe was said to have loved a good horseand generally hadone of thebest in the whole parish standing in his stable always ready forsaddling:and as the nearest midwifeas I told youdid not live nearer tothevillage than seven milesand in a vile countryit so fell out thatthe poorgentleman was scarce a whole week together without some piteousapplicationfor his beast; and as he was not an unkind-hearted manandevery casewas more pressing and more distressful than the last; as muchas heloved his beasthe had never a heart to refuse him; the upshot ofwhich wasgenerally this; that his horse was either clapp'dor spavin'dorgreaz'd; or he was twitter-bon'dor broken-windedor somethinginshortorother had befallen himwhich would let him carry no flesh; sothat hehad every nine or ten months a bad horse to get rid ofand a goodhorse topurchase in his stead.

What theloss in such a balance might amount tocommunibus annisI wouldleave to aspecial jury of sufferers in the same traffickto determine;but let itbe what it wouldthe honest gentleman bore it for many yearswithout amurmurtill at lengthby repeated ill accidents of the kindhefound itnecessary to take the thing under consideration; and upon weighingthe wholeand summing it up in his mindhe found it not onlydisproportionedto his other expencesbut withal so heavy an article initselfasto disable him from any other act of generosity in his parish:

Besidesthishe considered that with half the sum thus galloped awayhecould doten times as much good; and what still weighed more with him thanall otherconsiderations put togetherwas thisthat it confined all hischarityinto one particular channeland whereas he fanciedit was theleastwantednamelyto the child-bearing and child-getting part of hisparish;reserving nothing for the impotentnothing for the agednothingfor themany comfortless scenes he was hourly called forth to visitwherepovertyand sickness and affliction dwelt together.

For thesereasons he resolved to discontinue the expence; and thereappearedbut two possible ways to extricate him clearly out of it; andthesewereeither to make it an irrevocable law never more to lend hissteed uponany application whateveror else be content to ride the lastpoordevilsuch as they had made himwith all his aches and infirmitiesto thevery end of the chapter.

As hedreaded his own constancy in the firsthe very chearfully betookhimself tothe second; and though he could very well have explained itasI saidtohis honouryetfor that very reasonhe had a spirit aboveit;choosing rather to bear the contempt of his enemiesand the laughterof hisfriendsthan undergo the pain of telling a storywhich might seemapanegyrick upon himself.

I have thehighest idea of the spiritual and refined sentiments of thisreverendgentlemanfrom this single stroke in his characterwhich I thinkcomes upto any of the honest refinements of the peerless knight of LaManchawhomby the byewith all his folliesI love moreand wouldactuallyhave gone farther to have paid a visit tothan the greatest heroofantiquity.

But thisis not the moral of my story:   The thing I had in view was toshewthe temperof the world in the whole of this affair. For you must knowthat solong as this explanation would have done the parson creditthedevil asoul could find it outI suppose his enemies would notand thathisfriends could not. But no sooner did he bestir himself in behalf ofthemidwifeand pay the expences of the ordinary's licence to set herup--but thewhole secret came out; every horse he had lostand two horsesmore thanever he had lostwith all the circumstances of theirdestructionwere known and distinctly remembered. The story ran likewild-fire. 'Theparson had a returning fit of pride which had just seizedhim; andhe was going to be well mounted once again in his life; and if itwas so'twas plain as the sun at noon-dayhe would pocket the expence ofthelicence ten times toldthe very first year: So that every body wasleft tojudge what were his views in this act of charity. '

What werehis views in thisand in every other action of his lifeorratherwhat were the opinions which floated in the brains of other peopleconcerningitwas a thought which too much floated in his ownand toooftenbroke in upon his restwhen he should have been sound asleep.

About tenyears ago this gentleman had the good fortune to be made entirelyeasy uponthat scoreit being just so long since he left his parishandthe wholeworld at the same time behind himand stands accountable to aJudge ofwhom he will have no cause to complain.

But thereis a fatality attends the actions of some men:   Order them asthey willthey pass thro' a certain mediumwhich so twists and refractsthem fromtheir true directionsthatwith all the titles to praise whicharectitude of heart can givethe doers of them are neverthelessforced tolive anddie without it.

Of thetruth of whichthis gentleman was a painful example. But to knowby whatmeans this came to passand to make that knowledge of use to youI insistupon it that you read the two following chapterswhich containsuch asketch of his life and conversationas will carry its moral alongwithit. When this is doneif nothing stops us in our waywe will go onwith themidwife.

 ChapterXI.

Yorick wasthis parson's nameandwhat is very remarkable in it[asappearsfrom a most ancient account of the familywrote upon strongvellumand now in perfect preservation] it had been exactly so spelt fornearI waswithin an ace of saying nine hundred years; but I would notshake mycredit in telling an improbable truthhowever indisputable initselfandtherefore I shall content myself with only sayingIt had beenexactly sospeltwithout the least variation or transposition of a singleletterfor I do not know how long; which is more than I would venture tosay of onehalf of the best surnames in the kingdom; whichin a course ofyearshave generally undergone as many chops and changes as their owners. --Has thisbeen owing to the prideor to the shame of the respectiveproprietors? Inhonest truthI think sometimes to the oneand sometimesto theotherjust as the temptation has wrought.   But a villainousaffairit isandwill one day so blend and confound us all togetherthat no oneshall beable to stand up and swear'That his own great grandfather wasthe manwho did either this or that. '

This evilhad been sufficiently fenced against by the prudent care of theYorick'sfamilyand their religious preservation of these records I quotewhich dofarther inform usThat the family was originally of Danishextractionand had been transplanted into England as early as in the reignofHorwendillusking of Denmarkin whose courtit seemsan ancestorofthis MrYorick'sand from whom he was lineally descendedheld aconsiderablepost to the day of his death.   Of what nature thisconsiderablepost wasthis record saith not; it only addsThatfor neartwocenturiesit had been totally abolishedas altogether unnecessarynot onlyin that courtbut in every other court of the Christian world.

It hasoften come into my headthat this post could be no other than thatof theking's chief Jester; and that Hamlet's Yorickin our Shakespearemany ofwhose playsyou knoware founded upon authenticated factswascertainlythe very man.

I have notthe time to look into Saxo-Grammaticus's Danish historyto knowthecertainty of this; but if you have leisureand can easily get at thebookyoumay do it full as well yourself.

I had justtimein my travels through Denmark with Mr. Noddy's eldest sonwhominthe year 1741I accompanied as governorriding along with him ataprodigious rate thro' most parts of Europeand of which originaljourneyperformedby us twoa most delectable narrative will be given in theprogressof this work.   I had just timeI sayand that was alltoprovethe truthof an observation made by a long sojourner in that country;namely'That nature was neither very lavishnor was she very stingy inher giftsof genius and capacity to its inhabitants; butlike a discreetparentwas moderately kind to them all; observing such an equal tenor inthedistribution of her favoursas to bring themin those pointsprettynear to alevel with each other; so that you will meet with few instancesin thatkingdom of refined parts; but a great deal of good plain housholdunderstandingamongst all ranks of peopleof which every body has ashare; 'which isI thinkvery right.

With usyou seethe case is quite different: we are all ups and downs inthismatter; you are a great genius; or 'tis fifty to oneSiryou are agreatdunce and a blockhead; not that there is a total want ofintermediatestepsnowe are not so irregular as that comes to; butthe twoextremes are more commonand in a greater degree in this unsettledislandwhere naturein her gifts and dispositions of this kindis mostwhimsicaland capricious; fortune herself not being more so in the bequestof hergoods and chattels than she.

This isall that ever staggered my faith in regard to Yorick's extractionwhobywhat I can remember of himand by all the accounts I could everget ofhimseemed not to have had one single drop of Danish blood in hiswholecrasis; in nine hundred yearsit might possibly have all run out: Iwill notphilosophize one moment with you about it; for happen how itwouldthefact was this: That instead of that cold phlegm and exactregularityof sense and humoursyou would have looked forin one soextracted; hewason the contraryas mercurial and sublimated acompositionasheteroclite a creature in all his declensions; with asmuch lifeand whimand gaite de coeur about himas the kindliest climatecould haveengendered and put together.   With all this sailpoor Yorickcarriednot one ounce of ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world;and at theage of twenty-sixknew just about as well how to steer hiscourse initas a rompingunsuspicious girl of thirteen:   So that uponhis firstsetting outthe brisk gale of his spiritsas you will imagineran himfoul ten times in a day of somebody's tackling; and as the graveand moreslow-paced were oftenest in his wayyou may likewise imagine'twas withsuch he had generally the ill luck to get the most entangled.

For aughtI know there might be some mixture of unlucky wit at the bottomof suchFracas: Forto speak the truthYorick had an invincible dislikeandopposition in his nature to gravity; not to gravity as such; forwheregravity was wantedhe would be the most grave or serious of mortalmen fordays and weeks together; but he was an enemy to the affectation ofitanddeclared open war against itonly as it appeared a cloak forignoranceor for folly:   and thenwhenever it fell in his wayhowevershelteredand protectedhe seldom gave it much quarter.

Sometimesin his wild way of talkinghe would saythat Gravity was anerrantscoundreland he would addof the most dangerous kind toobecause asly one; and that he verily believedmore honestwell-meaningpeoplewere bubbled out of their goods and money by it in one twelve-monththan bypocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven.   In the naked temperwhich amerry heart discoveredhe would say there was no dangerbut toitself: whereasthe very essence of gravity was designand consequentlydeceit; 'twasa taught trick to gain credit of the world for more senseandknowledge than a man was worth; and thatwith all its pretensionsitwas nobetterbut often worsethan what a French wit had long ago defineditviz. 'Amysterious carriage of the body to cover the defects of themind; 'whichdefinition of gravityYorickwith great imprudencewouldsaydeserved to be wrote in letters of gold.

Butinplain truthhe was a man unhackneyed and unpractised in the worldand wasaltogether as indiscreet and foolish on every other subject ofdiscoursewhere policy is wont to impress restraint.   Yorick had noimpressionbut oneand that was what arose from the nature of the deedspoken of;which impression he would usually translate into plain Englishwithoutany periphrasis; and too oft without much distinction of eitherpersontimeor place; so that when mention was made of a pitiful or anungenerousproceedinghe never gave himself a moment's time to reflect whowas thehero of the piecewhat his stationor how far he had power tohurt himhereafter; but if it was a dirty actionwithout more adoTheman was adirty fellowand so on. And as his comments had usually theill fateto be terminated either in a bon motor to be enlivenedthroughoutwith some drollery or humour of expressionit gave wings toYorick'sindiscretion.   In a wordtho' he never soughtyetat the sametimeashe seldom shunned occasions of saying what came uppermostandwithoutmuch ceremony; he had but too many temptations in lifeofscatteringhis wit and his humourhis gibes and his jests about him.They werenot lost for want of gathering.

What werethe consequencesand what was Yorick's catastrophe thereuponyou willread in the next chapter.

 ChapterXII.

TheMortgager and Mortgagee differ the one from the othernot more inlength ofpursethan the Jester and Jestee doin that of memory.   But inthis thecomparison between them runsas the scholiasts call itupon all-four;whichby the byeis upon one or two legs more than some of the bestof Homer'scan pretend to; namelyThat the one raises a sumand theother alaugh at your expenceand thinks no more about it.   Interesthoweverstill runs on in both cases; the periodical or accidentalpaymentsof itjust serving to keep the memory of the affair alive; tillat lengthin some evil hourpop comes the creditor upon eachand bydemandingprincipal upon the spottogether with full interest to the verydaymakesthem both feel the full extent of their obligations.

As thereader [for I hate your ifs] has a thorough knowledge of humannatureIneed not say more to satisfy himthat my Hero could not go on atthis ratewithout some slight experience of these incidental mementos.   Tospeak thetruthhe had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of smallbook-debtsof this stampwhichnotwithstanding Eugenius's frequentadvicehetoo much disregarded; thinkingthat as not one of them wascontractedthro' any malignancy; buton the contraryfrom an honesty ofmindanda mere jocundity of humourthey would all of them be cross'd outin course.

Eugeniuswould never admit this; and would often tell himthat one day orother hewould certainly be reckoned with; and he would often addin anaccent ofsorrowful apprehensionto the uttermost mite.   To which Yorickwith hisusual carelessness of heartwould as often answer with a pshaw!and if thesubject was started in the fieldswith a hopskipand a jumpat the endof it; but if close pent up in the social chimney-cornerwheretheculprit was barricado'd inwith a table and a couple of arm-chairsand couldnot so readily fly off in a tangentEugenius would then go onwith hislecture upon discretion in words to this purposethough somewhatbetter puttogether.

Trust medear Yorickthis unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or laterbring theeinto scrapes and difficultieswhich no after-wit can extricatethee outof. In these salliestoo oftI seeit happensthat a personlaughedatconsiders himself in the light of a person injuredwith allthe rightsof such a situation belonging to him; and when thou viewest himin thatlight tooand reckons up his friendshis familyhis kindred andalliesandmusters up with them the many recruits which will list underhim from asense of common danger; 'tis no extravagant arithmetic to saythat forevery ten jokesthou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thouhast goneonand raised a swarm of wasps about thine earsand art halfstung todeath by themthou wilt never be convinced it is so.

I cannotsuspect it in the man whom I esteemthat there is the least spurfromspleen or malevolence of intent in these salliesI believe and knowthem to betruly honest and sportive: But considermy dear ladthatfoolscannot distinguish thisand that knaves will not:   and thouknowestnot whatit iseither to provoke the oneor to make merry with theother: wheneverthey associate for mutual defencedepend upon ittheywill carryon the war in such a manner against theemy dear friendas tomake theeheartily sick of itand of thy life too.

Revengefrom some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at theewhich noinnocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set right. Thefortunesof thy house shall totterthy characterwhich led the way tothemshall bleed on every side of itthy faith questionedthy worksbeliedthywit forgottenthy learning trampled on.   To wind up the lastscene ofthy tragedyCruelty and Cowardicetwin ruffianshired and seton byMalice in the darkshall strike together at all thy infirmities andmistakes: Thebest of usmy dear ladlie open thereand trust metrust meYorickwhen to gratify a private appetiteit is once resolveduponthatan innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed'tisan easymatter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it hasstrayedto make a fire to offer it up with.

Yorickscarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read over tohimbutwith a tear stealing from his eyeand a promissory look attendingitthathe was resolvedfor the time to cometo ride his tit with moresobriety. Butalastoo late! a grand confederacy with. . . and. . . atthe headof itwas formed before the first prediction of it. The wholeplan ofthe attackjust as Eugenius had forebodedwas put in executionall atoncewith so little mercy on the side of the alliesand solittlesuspicion in Yorickof what was carrying on against himthat whenhethoughtgood easy man! full surely preferment was o'ripeningtheyhadsmote hisrootand then he fellas many a worthy man had fallen beforehim.

Yorickhoweverfought it out with all imaginable gallantry for some time;tilloverpowered by numbersand worn out at length by the calamities ofthewarbut more soby the ungenerous manner in which it was carriedonhethrew down the sword; and though he kept up his spirits inappearanceto the lasthe diedneverthelessas was generally thoughtquitebroken-hearted.

Whatinclined Eugenius to the same opinion was as follows:

A fewhours before Yorick breathed his lastEugenius stept in with anintent totake his last sight and last farewell of him.   Upon his drawingYorick'scurtainand asking how he felt himselfYorick looking up in hisface tookhold of his handand after thanking him for the many tokens ofhisfriendship to himfor whichhe saidif it was their fate to meethereafterhewould thank him again and againhe told himhe was withina fewhours of giving his enemies the slip for ever. I hope notansweredEugeniuswith tears trickling down his cheeksand with the tenderest tonethat everman spoke. I hope notYoricksaid he. Yorick repliedwith alook upand a gentle squeeze of Eugenius's handand that was allbut itcutEugenius to his heart. ComecomeYorickquoth Eugeniuswiping hiseyesandsummoning up the man within himmy dear ladbe comfortedletnot allthy spirits and fortitude forsake thee at this crisis when thoumost wantsthem; who knows what resources are in storeand what the powerof God mayyet do for thee! Yorick laid his hand upon his heartandgentlyshook his head; For my partcontinued Eugeniuscrying bitterly ashe utteredthe wordsI declare I know notYorickhow to part with theeand wouldgladly flatter my hopesadded Eugeniuschearing up his voicethat thereis still enough left of thee to make a bishopand that I maylive tosee it. I beseech theeEugeniusquoth Yoricktaking off hisnight-capas well as he could with his left handhis right being stillgraspedclose in that of EugeniusI beseech thee to take a view of myhead. I seenothing that ails itreplied Eugenius.   Thenalas! myfriendsaid Yoricklet me tell youthat 'tis so bruised and mis-shapenedwith theblows which. . . and. . .and some others have so unhandsomelygiven mein the darkthat I might say with Sancho Pancathat should Irecoverand 'Mitres thereupon be suffered to rain down from heaven asthick ashailnot one of them would fit it. 'Yorick's last breath washangingupon his trembling lips ready to depart as he uttered this: yetstill itwas uttered with something of a Cervantick tone; and as he spokeitEugenius could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for amoment inhis eyes; faint picture of those flashes of his spiritwhich[asShakespeare said of his ancestor] were wont to set the table in aroar!

Eugeniuswas convinced from thisthat the heart of his friend was broke:

hesqueezed his handand then walked softly out of the roomweeping ashewalked.   Yorick followed Eugenius with his eyes to the doorhethenclosedthemand never opened them more.

He liesburied in the corner of his church-yardin the parish of. . .under aplain marble slabwhich his friend Eugeniusby leave of hisexecutorslaid upon his gravewith no more than these three words ofinscriptionserving both for his epitaph and elegy.   Alaspoor Yorick!

Ten timesa day has Yorick's ghost the consolation to hear his monumentalinscriptionread over with such a variety of plaintive tonesas denote ageneralpity and esteem for him; a foot-way crossing the church-yard closeby theside of his gravenot a passenger goes by without stopping to casta lookupon itand sighing as he walks on

AlaspoorYorick!

 ChapterXIII.

It is solong since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been partedfrom themidwifethat it is high time to mention her again to himmerelyto put himin mind that there is such a body still in the worldand whomupon thebest judgment I can form upon my own plan at presentI am goingtointroduce to him for good and all:   But as fresh matter may bestartedand muchunexpected business fall out betwixt the reader and myselfwhichmayrequire immediate dispatch; 'twas right to take care that the poorwomanshould not be lost in the mean time; because when she is wantedwecan no waydo without her.

I think Itold you that this good woman was a person of no small note andconsequencethroughout our whole village and township; that her fame hadspreaditself to the very out-edge and circumference of that circle ofimportanceof which kind every soul livingwhether he has a shirt to hisback ornohas one surrounding him; which said circleby the waywhenever'tis said that such a one is of great weight and importance in theworldIdesire may be enlarged or contracted in your worship's fancyina compoundratio of the stationprofessionknowledgeabilitiesheightand depth[measuring both ways] of the personage brought before you.

In thepresent caseif I rememberI fixed it about four or five mileswhich notonly comprehended the whole parishbut extended itself to two orthree ofthe adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish; which madeaconsiderable thing of it.   I must addThat she wasmoreoververy welllooked onat one large grange-houseand some other odd houses and farmswithin twoor three milesas I saidfrom the smoke of her own chimney:But I musthereonce for allinform youthat all this will be moreexactlydelineated and explain'd in a mapnow in the hands of theengraverwhichwith many other pieces and developements of this workwill beadded to the end of the twentieth volumenot to swell the workI detestthe thought of such a thing; but by way of commentaryscholiumillustrationand key to such passagesincidentsor inuendos as shall bethought tobe either of private interpretationor of dark or doubtfulmeaningafter my life and my opinions shall have been read over [now don't

forget themeaning of the word] by all the world; whichbetwixt you andmeand inspite of all the gentlemen-reviewers in Great Britainand ofall thattheir worships shall undertake to write or say to the contraryIamdetermined shall be the case. I need not tell your worshipthat allthis isspoke in confidence.

 ChapterXIV.

Uponlooking into my mother's marriage settlementin order to satisfymyself andreader in a point necessary to be cleared upbefore we couldproceedany farther in this history; I had the good fortune to pop uponthe verything I wanted before I had read a day and a half straightforwardsitmight have taken me up a month; which shews plainlythatwhen a mansits down to write a historytho' it be but the history ofJackHickathrift or Tom Thumbhe knows no more than his heels what letsandconfounded hindrances he is to meet with in his wayor what a dancehe may beledby one excursion or anotherbefore all is over.   Could ahistoriographerdrive on his historyas a muleteer drives on his mulestraightforward; for instancefrom Rome all the way to Lorettowithoutever onceturning his head asideeither to the right hand or to the left--he mightventure to foretell you to an hour when he should get to hisjourney'send; but the thing ismorally speakingimpossible:   Forif heis a manof the least spirithe will have fifty deviations from a straightline tomake with this or that party as he goes alongwhich he can no waysavoid.  He will have views and prospects to himself perpetually solicitinghis eyewhich he can no more help standing still to look at than he canfly; hewill moreover have various

Accountsto reconcile:  

Anecdotesto pick up:  

Inscriptionsto make out:  

Storiesto weave in:  

Traditionsto sift:  

Personagesto call upon:  

Panegyricksto paste up at this door;  

Pasquinadesat that:All whichboth the man and his mule are quite exemptfrom.  To sum up all; there are archives at every stage to be look'd intoand rollsrecordsdocumentsand endless genealogieswhich justice everand anoncalls him back to stay the reading of: In short there is no endof it; formy own partI declare I have been at it these six weeksmaking allthe speed I possibly couldand am not yet born: I have justbeen ableand that's allto tell you when it happen'dbut not how; sothat yousee the thing is yet far from being accomplished.

Theseunforeseen stoppageswhich I own I had no conception of when I firstsetout; but whichI am convinced nowwill rather increase than diminishas Iadvancehave struck out a hint which I am resolved to follow; andthatisnot to be in a hurry; but to go on leisurelywriting andpublishingtwo volumes of my life every year; whichif I am suffered togo onquietlyand can make a tolerable bargain with my booksellerI shallcontinueto do as long as I live.

 ChapterXV.

Thearticle in my mother's marriage-settlementwhich I told the reader Iwas at thepains to search forand whichnow that I have found itIthinkproper to lay before himis so much more fully express'd in thedeeditselfthan ever I can pretend to do itthat it would be barbarityto take itout of the lawyer's hand: It is as follows.

'And thisIndenture further witnessethThat the said Walter Shandymerchantin consideration of the said intended marriage to be hadandbyGod'sblessingto be well and truly solemnized and consummated between thesaidWalter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaidand divers othergoodandvaluable causes and considerations him thereunto specially movingdothgrantcovenantcondescendconsentconcludebargainand fullyagree toand with John Dixonand James TurnerEsqrs. the above-namedTrustees& c. & c. to witThat in case it should hereafter so fall outchancehappenor otherwise come to passThat the said Walter Shandymerchantshall have left off business before the time or timesthat thesaidElizabeth Mollineux shallaccording to the course of natureorotherwisehave left off bearing and bringing forth children; and thatinconsequenceof the said Walter Shandy having so left off businesshe shallindespightand against the free-willconsentand good-liking of thesaidElizabeth Mollineuxmake a departure from the city of Londoninorder toretire toand dwell uponhis estate at Shandy Hallin thecounty of.. .or at any other country-seatcastlehallmansion-housemessuageor grainge-housenow purchasedor hereafter to be purchasedorupon anypart or parcel thereof: That thenand as often as the saidElizabethMollineux shall happen to be enceint with child or childrenseverallyand lawfully begotor to be begottenupon the body of the saidElizabethMollineuxduring her said coverturehe the said Walter Shandyshallathis own proper cost and chargesand out of his own propermoniesupon good and reasonable noticewhich is hereby agreed to bewithin sixweeks of her the said Elizabeth Mollineux's full reckoningortime ofsupposed and computed deliverypayor cause to be paidthe sumof onehundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful moneyto John Dixonand JamesTurnerEsqrs. or assignsupon Trust and confidenceand forand untothe use and usesintentendand purpose following: That is tosayThatthe said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid intothe handsof the said Elizabeth Mollineuxor to be otherwise applied bythem thesaid Trusteesfor the well and truly hiring of one coachwithable andsufficient horsesto carry and convey the body of the saidElizabethMollineuxand the child or children which she shall be then andthereenceint and pregnant withunto the city of London; and for thefurtherpaying and defraying of all other incidental costschargesandexpenceswhatsoeverin and aboutand forand relating toher saidintendeddelivery and lying-inin the said city or suburbs thereof.   Andthat thesaid Elizabeth Mollineux shall and mayfrom time to timeand atall suchtime and times as are here covenanted and agreed uponpeaceablyandquietly hire the said coach and horsesand have free ingressegressandregress throughout her journeyin and from the said coachaccordingto thetenortrue intentand meaning of these presentswithout any letsuittroubledisturbancemolestationdischargehinderanceforfeitureevictionvexationinterruptionor incumbrance whatsoever. And that itshallmoreover be lawful to and for the said Elizabeth Mollineuxfrom timeto timeand as oft or often as she shall well and truly be advanced in hersaidpregnancyto the time heretofore stipulated and agreed uponto liveand residein such place or placesand in such family or familiesandwith suchrelationsfriendsand other persons within the said city ofLondonasshe at her own will and pleasurenotwithstanding her presentcovertureand as if she was a femme sole and unmarriedshall think fit. --And thisIndenture further witnessethThat for the more effectuallycarryingof the said covenant into executionthe said Walter Shandymerchantdoth hereby grantbargainsellreleaseand confirm unto thesaid JohnDixonand James TurnerEsqrs. their heirsexecutorsandassignsin their actual possession now beingby virtue of an indenture of

bargainand sale for a year to them the said John Dixonand James TurnerEsqrs. byhim the said Walter Shandymerchantthereof made; which saidbargainand sale for a yearbears date the day next before the date ofthesepresentsand by force and virtue of the statute for transferring ofuses intopossessionAll that the manor and lordship of Shandyin thecounty of.. .with all the rightsmembersand appurtenances thereof;and alland every the messuageshousesbuildingsbarnsstablesorchardsgardensbacksidestoftscroftsgarthscottageslandsmeadowsfeedingspasturesmarshescommonswoodsunderwoodsdrainsfisherieswatersand water-courses; together with all rentsreversionsservicesannuitiesfee-farmsknights feesviews of frankpledgeescheatsreliefsminesquarriesgoods and chattels of felons andfugitivesfelons of themselvesand put in exigentdeodandsfreewarrensand all other royalties and seignioriesrights and jurisdictionsprivilegesand hereditaments whatsoever. And also the advowsondonationpresentationand free disposition of the rectory or parsonage of Shandyaforesaidand all and every the tenthstythesglebe-lands. 'In threewords'Mymother was to lay in [if she chose it] in London. '

But inorder to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the partof mymotherwhich a marriage-article of this nature too manifestly openeda door toand which indeed had never been thought of at allbut for myuncle TobyShandy; a clause was added in security of my father which wasthis: 'Thatin case my mother hereafter shouldat any timeput my fatherto thetrouble and expence of a London journeyupon false cries andtokens; thatfor every such instanceshe should forfeit all the right andtitlewhich the covenant gave her to the next turn; but to no moreandso ontoties quotiesin as effectual a manneras if such a covenantbetwixtthem had not been made. 'Thisby the waywas no more than whatwasreasonable; and yetas reasonable as it wasI have ever thought ithard thatthe whole weight of the article should have fallen entirelyasit didupon myself.

But I wasbegot and born to misfortunes; for my poor motherwhether itwas windor wateror a compound of bothor neither; or whether it wassimply themere swell of imagination and fancy in her; or how far a strongwish anddesire to have it somight mislead her judgment; in shortwhethershe was deceived or deceiving in this matterit no way becomes metodecide.   The fact was thisThat in the latter end of September1717which wasthe year before I was bornmy mother having carried my father upto townmuch against the grainhe peremptorily insisted upon the clause; --so that Iwas doom'dby marriage-articlesto have my nose squeez'd asflat to myfaceas if the destinies had actually spun me without one.

How thisevent came aboutand what a train of vexatious disappointmentsin onestage or other of my lifehave pursued me from the mere lossorrathercompressionof this one single membershall be laid before thereader allin due time.

 ChapterXVI.

My fatheras any body may naturally imaginecame down with my mother intothecountryin but a pettish kind of a humour.   The first twenty orfive-and-twentymiles he did nothing in the world but fret and teaze himselfand indeedmy mother tooabout the cursed expencewhich he said mighteveryshilling of it have been saved; then what vexed him more than everything elsewasthe provoking time of the yearwhichas I told youwastowardsthe end of Septemberwhen his wall-fruit and green gagesespeciallyin which he was very curiouswere just ready for pulling:'Had hebeen whistled up to Londonupon a Tom Fool's errandin any othermonth ofthe whole yearhe should not have said three words about it. '

For thenext two whole stagesno subject would go downbut the heavy blowhe hadsustain'd from the loss of a sonwhom it seems he had fullyreckon'dupon in his mindand register'd down in his pocket-bookas asecondstaff for his old agein case Bobby should fail him.   'Thedisappointmentof thishe saidwas ten times more to a wise manthan allthe moneywhich the journey& c. had cost himput togetherrot thehundredand twenty poundshe did not mind it a rush. '

FromStiltonall the way to Granthamnothing in the whole affairprovokedhim somuch as the condolences of his friendsand the foolish figure theyshouldboth make at churchthe first Sunday; of whichin the satiricalvehemenceof his witnow sharpen'd a little by vexationhe would give somanyhumorous and provoking descriptionsand place his rib and self in somanytormenting lights and attitudes in the face of the wholecongregation; thatmy mother declaredthese two stages were so trulytragi-comicalthat she did nothing but laugh and cry in a breathfrom oneend to theother of them all the way.

FromGranthamtill they had cross'd the Trentmy father was out of allkind ofpatience at the vile trick and imposition which he fancied mymother hadput upon him in this affair'Certainly' he would say tohimselfover and over again'the woman could not be deceived herselfifshecouldwhat weakness! 'tormenting word! which led his imagination athornydanceandbefore all was overplay'd the duce and all with him;for sureas ever the word weakness was utteredand struck full upon hisbrainsosure it set him upon running divisions upon how many kinds ofweaknessesthere were; that there was such a thing as weakness of thebodyaswell as weakness of the mindand then he would do nothing butsyllogizewithin himself for a stage or two togetherHow far the cause ofall thesevexations mightor might nothave arisen out of himself.

In shorthe had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out ofthis oneaffairall fretting successively in his mind as they rose up initthatmy motherwhatever was her journey uphad but an uneasy journeyof itdown. In a wordas she complained to my uncle Tobyhe would havetired outthe patience of any flesh alive.

 ChapterXVII.

Though myfather travelled homewardsas I told youin none of the best ofmoodspshawingand pishing all the way downyet he had the complaisanceto keepthe worst part of the story still to himself; which was theresolutionhe had taken of doing himself the justicewhich my uncle Toby'sclause inthe marriage-settlement empowered him; nor was it till the verynight inwhich I was begotwhich was thirteen months afterthat she hadthe leastintimation of his design:   when my fatherhappeningas yourememberto be a little chagrin'd and out of tempertook occasion asthey laychatting gravely in bed afterwardstalking over what was tocometolet her know that she must accommodate herself as well as shecould tothe bargain made between them in their marriage-deeds; which wasto lye-inof her next child in the countryto balance the last year'sjourney.

My fatherwas a gentleman of many virtuesbut he had a strong spice ofthat inhis temperwhich mightor might notadd to the number. 'Tisknown bythe name of perseverance in a good causeand of obstinacy in abad one:  Of this my mother had so much knowledgethat she knew 'twas tono purposeto make any remonstranceso she e'en resolved to sit downquietlyand make the most of it.

  ChapterXVIII.

As thepoint was that night agreedor rather determinedthat my mothershouldlye-in of me in the countryshe took her measures accordingly; forwhichpurposewhen she was three daysor thereaboutsgone with childshe beganto cast her eyes upon the midwifewhom you have so often heardmemention; and before the week was well got roundas the famous Dr.Manninghamwas not to be hadshe had come to a final determination in hermindnotwithstandingthere was a scientific operator within so near acall aseight miles of usand whomoreoverhad expressly wrote a fiveshillingsbook upon the subject of midwiferyin which he had exposednotonly theblunders of the sisterhood itselfbut had likewise super-addedmanycurious improvements for the quicker extraction of the foetus incrossbirthsand some other cases of dangerwhich belay us in getting into theworld;notwithstanding all thismy motherI saywas absolutelydeterminedto trust her lifeand mine with itinto no soul's hand butthis oldwoman's only. Now this I like; when we cannot get at the verything wewishnever to take up with the next best in degree to it: no;that'spitiful beyond description; it is no more than a week from thisvery dayin which I am now writing this book for the edification of theworld; whichis March 91759that my deardear Jennyobserving Ilooked alittle graveas she stood cheapening a silk of five-and-twentyshillingsa yardtold the mercershe was sorry she had given him so muchtrouble; andimmediately went and bought herself a yard-wide stuff of ten-pence ayard. 'Tis the duplication of one and the same greatness of soul;only whatlessened the honour of itsomewhatin my mother's casewasthat shecould not heroine it into so violent and hazardous an extremeasone in hersituation might have wishedbecause the old midwife had reallysomelittle claim to be depended uponas muchat leastas success couldgive her;havingin the course of her practice of near twenty years in theparishbrought every mother's son of them into the world without any oneslip oraccident which could fairly be laid to her account.

Thesefactstho' they had their weightyet did not altogether satisfysome fewscruples and uneasinesses which hung upon my father's spirits inrelationto this choice. To say nothing of the natural workings ofhumanityand justiceor of the yearnings of parental and connubial loveall whichprompted him to leave as little to hazard as possible in a caseof thiskind; he felt himself concerned in a particular mannerthat allshould goright in the present case; from the accumulated sorrow he layopen toshould any evil betide his wife and child in lying-in at Shandy-Hall. Heknew the world judged by eventsand would add to his afflictionsin such amisfortuneby loading him with the whole blame of it. 'Alaso'day; hadMrs Shandypoor gentlewoman! had but her wish in going up totown justto lye-in and come down again; which they sayshe begged andprayed forupon her bare kneesand whichin my opinionconsidering thefortunewhich Mr Shandy got with herwas no such mighty matter to havecompliedwiththe lady and her babe might both of them have been alive atthishour. '

Thisexclamationmy father knewwas unanswerable; and yetit was notmerely toshelter himselfnor was it altogether for the care of hisoffspringand wife that he seemed so extremely anxious about this point;my fatherhad extensive views of thingsand stood moreoveras hethoughtdeeply concerned in it for the publick goodfrom the dread heentertainedof the bad uses an ill-fated instance might be put to.

He wasvery sensible that all political writers upon the subject hadunanimouslyagreed and lamentedfrom the beginning of Queen Elizabeth'sreign downto his own timethat the current of men and money towards themetropolisupon one frivolous errand or anotherset in so strongas tobecomedangerous to our civil rightsthoughby the byea current wasnot theimage he took most delight ina distemper was here his favouritemetaphorand he would run it down into a perfect allegoryby maintainingit wasidentically the same in the body national as in the body naturalwhere theblood and spirits were driven up into the head faster than theycould findtheir ways down; a stoppage of circulation must ensuewhichwas deathin both cases.

There waslittle dangerhe would sayof losing our liberties by Frenchpoliticksor French invasions; nor was he so much in pain of a consumptionfrom themass of corrupted matter and ulcerated humours in ourconstitutionwhich he hoped was not so bad as it was imagined; but heverilyfearedthat in some violent pushwe should go offall at onceinastate-apoplexy; and then he would sayThe Lord have mercy upon usall.

My fatherwas never able to give the history of this distemperwithoutthe remedyalong with it.

'Was I anabsolute prince' he would saypulling up his breeches with bothhis handsas he rose from his arm-chair'I would appoint able judgesateveryavenue of my metropoliswho should take cognizance of every fool'sbusinesswho came there; and ifupon a fair and candid hearingitappearednot of weight sufficient to leave his own homeand come upbagandbaggagewith his wife and childrenfarmer's sons& c. & c.at hisbacksidethey should be all sent backfrom constable to constablelikevagrantsas they wereto the place of their legal settlements.   By thismeans Ishall take carethat my metropolis totter'd not thro' its ownweight; thatthe head be no longer too big for the body; that theextremesnow wasted and pinn'd inbe restored to their due share ofnourishmentand regain with it their natural strength and beauty: I wouldeffectuallyprovideThat the meadows and corn fields of my dominionsshouldlaugh and sing; that good chear and hospitality flourish oncemore; andthat such weight and influence be put thereby into the hands oftheSquirality of my kingdomas should counterpoise what I perceive myNobilityare now taking from them.

'Why arethere so few palaces and gentlemen's seats' he would askwithsomeemotionas he walked across the room'throughout so many deliciousprovincesin France?   Whence is it that the few remaining Chateaus amongstthem areso dismantledso unfurnishedand in so ruinous and desolate acondition? BecauseSir' [he would say] 'in that kingdom no man has anycountry-interestto support; the little interest of any kind which any manhas anywhere in itis concentrated in the courtand the looks of theGrandMonarch:   by the sunshine of whose countenanceor the cloudswhichpassacross itevery French man lives or dies. '

Anotherpolitical reason which prompted my father so strongly to guardagainstthe least evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the countrywasThatany such instance would infallibly throw a balance of powertoogreatalreadyinto the weaker vessels of the gentryin his ownor higherstations; whichwith the many other usurped rights which that part of theconstitutionwas hourly establishingwouldin the endprove fatal tothemonarchical system of domestick government established in the firstcreationof things by God.

In thispoint he was entirely of Sir Robert Filmer's opinionThat theplans andinstitutions of the greatest monarchies in the eastern parts ofthe worldwereoriginallyall stolen from that admirable pattern andprototypeof this houshold and paternal power; whichfor a centuryhesaidandmorehad gradually been degenerating away into a mix'dgovernment; theform of whichhowever desirable in great combinations ofthespecieswas very troublesome in small onesand seldom produced anythingthat he sawbut sorrow and confusion.

For allthese reasonsprivate and publickput togethermy father wasfor havingthe man-midwife by all meansmy motherby no means.   Myfatherbegg'd and intreatedshe would for once recede from her prerogativein thismatterand suffer him to choose for her; my motheron thecontraryinsisted upon her privilege in this matterto choose forherselfandhave no mortal's help but the old woman's. What could myfatherdo?   He was almost at his wit's end; talked it over with her inallmoods; placedhis arguments in all lights; argued the matter with herlike achristianlike a heathenlike a husbandlike a fatherlike apatriotlikea man: My mother answered every thing only like a woman;which wasa little hard upon her; for as she could not assume and fight itout behindsuch a variety of characters'twas no fair match: 'twas seventoone. What could my mother do? She had the advantage [otherwise she hadbeencertainly overpowered] of a small reinforcement of chagrin personalatthebottomwhich bore her upand enabled her to dispute the affair withmy fatherwith so equal an advantagethat both sides sung Te Deum.   In awordmymother was to have the old womanand the operator was to havelicence todrink a bottle of wine with my father and my uncle Toby Shandyin theback parlourfor which he was to be paid five guineas.

I must begleavebefore I finish this chapterto enter a caveat in thebreast ofmy fair reader; and it is thisNot to take it absolutely forgrantedfrom an unguarded word or two which I have dropp'd in it'That Iam amarried man. 'I ownthe tender appellation of my deardear Jennywith someother strokes of conjugal knowledgeinterspersed here and theremightnaturally enoughhave misled the most candid judge in the worldinto sucha determination against me. All I plead forin this caseMadamisstrict justiceand that you do so much of itto me as well astoyourselfas not to prejudgeor receive such an impression of metillyou havebetter evidencethanI am positiveat present can be producedagainstme. Not that I can be so vain or unreasonableMadamas to desireyou shouldtherefore thinkthat my deardear Jenny is my kept mistress;nothatwould be flattering my character in the other extremeand givingit an airof freedomwhichperhapsit has no kind of right to.   All Icontendforis the utter impossibilityfor some volumesthat youor themostpenetrating spirit upon earthshould know how this matter reallystands. Itis not impossiblebut that my deardear Jenny! tender as theappellationismay be my child. ConsiderI was born in the yeareighteen. Noris there any thing unnatural or extravagant in thesuppositionthat my dear Jenny may be my friend. Friend! My friend.SurelyMadama friendship between the two sexes may subsistand besupportedwithoutFy! Mr Shandy: Without any thingMadambut thattender anddelicious sentiment which ever mixes in friendshipwhere thereis adifference of sex.   Let me intreat you to study the pure andsentimentalparts of the best French Romances; it will reallyMadamastonishyou to see with what a variety of chaste expressions thisdelicioussentimentwhich I have the honour to speak ofis dress'd out.

 ChapterXIX.

I wouldsooner undertake to explain the hardest problem in geometrythanpretend toaccount for itthat a gentleman of my father's great goodsenseknowingas the reader must have observed himand curious too inphilosophywisealso in political reasoningand in polemical [as hewill find]no way ignorantcould be capable of entertaining a notion inhis headso out of the common trackthat I fear the readerwhen I cometo mentionit to himif he is the least of a cholerick temperwillimmediatlythrow the book by; if mercurialhe will laugh most heartily atit; and ifhe is of a grave and saturnine casthe willat first sightabsolutelycondemn as fanciful and extravagant; and that was in respect tothe choiceand imposition of christian nameson which he thought a greatdeal moredepended than what superficial minds were capable of conceiving.

Hisopinionin this matterwasThat there was a strange kind of magickbiaswhich good or bad namesas he called themirresistibly impressedupon ourcharacters and conduct.

The heroof Cervantes argued not the point with more seriousnessnor hadhe morefaithor more to say on the powers of necromancy in dishonouringhisdeedsor on Dulcinea's namein shedding lustre upon themthan myfather hadon those of Trismegistus or Archimedeson the one handor ofNyky andSimkin on the other.   How many Caesars and Pompeyshe wouldsayby mereinspiration of the nameshave been rendered worthy of them?  Andhow manyhe would addare therewho might have done exceeding well inthe worldhad not their characters and spirits been totally depressed andNicodemus'dinto nothing?

I seeplainlySirby your looks[or as the case happened] my fatherwouldsaythat you do not heartily subscribe to this opinion of minewhichtothosehe would addwho have not carefully sifted it to thebottomIown has an air more of fancy than of solid reasoning in it; andyetmydear Sirif I may presume to know your characterI am morallyassuredIshould hazard little in stating a case to younot as a party inthedisputebut as a judgeand trusting my appeal upon it to your owngood senseand candid disquisition in this matter; you are a person freefrom asmany narrow prejudices of education as most men; andif I maypresume topenetrate farther into youof a liberality of genius abovebearingdown an opinionmerely because it wants friends.   Your sonyourdearsonfrom whose sweet and open temper you have so much to expect.YourBillySir! would youfor the worldhave called him Judas? Wouldyoumydear Sirhe would saylaying his hand upon your breastwith thegenteelestaddressand in that soft and irresistible piano of voicewhich thenature of the argumentum ad hominem absolutely requiresWouldyouSirif a Jew of a godfather had proposed the name for your childandofferedyou his purse along with itwould you have consented to such adesecrationof him? O my God! he would saylooking upif I know yourtemperrightSiryou are incapable of it; you would have trampled upontheoffer; you would have thrown the temptation at the tempter's head withabhorrence.

Yourgreatness of mind in this actionwhich I admirewith that generouscontemptof moneywhich you shew me in the whole transactionis reallynoble; andwhat renders it more sois the principle of it; the workingsof aparent's love upon the truth and conviction of this very hypothesisnamelyThat was your son called Judasthe forbid and treacherous ideasoinseparable from the namewould have accompanied him through lifelikehisshadowandin the endmade a miser and a rascal of himin spiteSirofyour example.

I neverknew a man able to answer this argument. Butindeedto speak ofmy fatheras he was; he was certainly irresistible; both in his orationsanddisputations; he was born an orator; [Greek] . Persuasion hung uponhis lipsand the elements of Logick and Rhetorick were so blended up inhimandwithalhe had so shrewd a guess at the weaknesses and passionsof hisrespondentthat Nature might have stood up and said'This man iseloquent. 'Inshortwhether he was on the weak or the strong side of thequestion'twas hazardous in either case to attack him. And yet'tisstrangehe had never read Ciceronor Quintilian de OratorenorIsocratesnor Aristotlenor Longinusamongst the antients; nor VossiusnorSkioppiusnor Ramusnor Farnabyamongst the moderns; and what ismoreastonishinghe had never in his whole life the least light or sparkofsubtilty struck into his mindby one single lecture uponCrackenthorporBurgersdicius or any Dutch logician or commentator; he knew not somuchas in whatthe difference of an argument ad ignorantiamand an argument adhominemconsisted; so that I well rememberwhen he went up along with meto entermy name at Jesus College in. . .it was a matter of just wonderwith myworthy tutorand two or three fellows of that learned societythat a manwho knew not so much as the names of his toolsshould be ableto workafter that fashion with them.

To workwith them in the best manner he couldwas what my father washoweverperpetually forced upon; for he had a thousand little scepticalnotions ofthe comick kind to defendmost of which notionsI verilybelieveat first entered upon the footing of mere whimsand of a vive laBagatelle;and as such he would make merry with them for half an hour orsoandhaving sharpened his wit upon themdismiss them till another day.

I mentionthisnot only as matter of hypothesis or conjecture upon theprogressand establishment of my father's many odd opinionsbut as awarning tothe learned reader against the indiscreet reception of suchguestswhoafter a free and undisturbed entrancefor some yearsintoourbrainsat length claim a kind of settlement thereworking sometimeslikeyeast; but more generally after the manner of the gentle passionbeginningin jestbut ending in downright earnest.

Whetherthis was the case of the singularity of my father's notionsorthat hisjudgmentat lengthbecame the dupe of his wit; or how farinmany ofhis notionshe mightthough oddbe absolutely right; thereaderashe comes at themshall decide.   All that I maintain hereisthat inthis oneof the influence of christian nameshowever it gainedfootinghe was serious; he was all uniformity; he was systematicalandlike allsystematic reasonershe would move both heaven and earthandtwist andtorture every thing in nature to support his hypothesis.   In aword Irepeat it over again; he was serious; andin consequence of ithe wouldlose all kind of patience whenever he saw peopleespecially ofconditionwho should have known betteras careless and as indifferentabout thename they imposed upon their childor more sothan in thechoice ofPonto or Cupid for their puppy-dog.

Thishewould saylook'd ill; and hadmoreoverthis particularaggravationin itviz. That when once a vile name was wrongfully orinjudiciouslygiven'twas not like the case of a man's characterwhichwhenwrong'dmight hereafter be cleared; andpossiblysome time orotherifnot in the man's lifeat least after his deathbesomehow orothersetto rights with the world:   But the injury of thishe would saycouldnever be undone; nayhe doubted even whether an act of parliamentcouldreach it: He knew as well as youthat the legislature assumed apower oversurnames; but for very strong reasonswhich he could giveithad neveryet adventuredhe would sayto go a step farther.

It wasobservablethat tho' my fatherin consequence of this opinionhadas Ihave told youthe strongest likings and dislikings towardscertainnames; that there were still numbers of names which hung soequally inthe balance before himthat they were absolutely indifferent tohim.  JackDickand Tom were of this class:   These my father calledneutralnames; affirming of themwithout a satireThat there had been asmanyknaves and foolsat leastas wise and good mensince the worldbeganwhohad indifferently borne them; so thatlike equal forces actingagainsteach other in contrary directionshe thought they mutuallydestroyedeach other's effects; for which reasonhe would often declareHe wouldnot give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them.   Bobwhich wasmybrother'snamewas another of these neutral kinds of christian nameswhichoperated very little either way; and as my father happen'd to be atEpsomwhen it was given himhe would oft-times thank Heaven it was noworse.  Andrew was something like a negative quantity in Algebra with him; --'twasworsehe saidthan nothing. William stood pretty high: Numpsagain waslow with him: and Nickhe saidwas the Devil.

But of allnames in the universe he had the most unconquerable aversion forTristram; hehad the lowest and most contemptible opinion of it of anything inthe worldthinking it could possibly produce nothing in rerumnaturabut what was extremely mean and pitiful:   So that in the midstof adispute onthe subjectin whichby the byehe was frequently involvedhe wouldsometimes break off in a sudden and spirited Epiphonemaor ratherErotesisraised a thirdand sometimes a full fifth above the key of thediscourseanddemand it categorically of his antagonistWhether he wouldtake uponhim to sayhe had ever rememberedwhether he had ever reador evenwhether he had ever heard tell of a mancalled Tristramperformingany thing great or worth recording? Nohe would sayTristram! Thething is impossible.

What couldbe wanting in my father but to have wrote a book to publish thisnotion ofhis to the world?   Little boots it to the subtle speculatist tostandsingle in his opinionsunless he gives them proper vent: It wastheidentical thing which my father did: for in the year sixteenwhichwas twoyears before I was bornhe was at the pains of writing an expressDissertationsimply upon the word Tristramshewing the worldwith greatcandourand modestythe grounds of his great abhorrence to the name.

When thisstory is compared with the title-pageWill not the gentlereaderpity my father from his soul? to see an orderly and well-disposedgentlemanwho tho' singularyet inoffensive in his notionsso playedupon inthem by cross purposes; to look down upon the stageand see himbaffledand overthrown in all his little systems and wishes; to behold atrain ofevents perpetually falling out against himand in so critical andcruel awayas if they had purposedly been plann'd and pointed againsthimmerely to insult his speculations. In a wordto behold such a onein his oldageill-fitted for troublesten times in a day sufferingsorrow; tentimes in a day calling the child of his prayers Tristram!Melancholydissyllable of sound! whichto his earswas unison toNincompoopand every name vituperative under heaven. By his ashes! Iswearitif ever malignant spirit took pleasureor busied itself intraversingthe purposes of mortal manit must have been here; and if itwas notnecessary I should be born before I was christenedI would thismomentgive the reader an account of it.

 ChapterXX.

How couldyouMadambe so inattentive in reading the last chapter?   Itold youin itThat my mother was not a papist. Papist!   You told me nosuchthingSir. MadamI beg leave to repeat it over againthat I toldyou asplainat leastas wordsby direct inferencecould tell you suchathing. ThenSirI must have miss'd a page. NoMadamyou have notmiss'd aword. Then I was asleepSir. My prideMadamcannot allow youthatrefuge. ThenI declareI know nothing at all about the matter.ThatMadamis the very fault I lay to your charge; and as a punishmentfor itIdo insist upon itthat you immediately turn backthat is assoon asyou get to the next full stopand read the whole chapter overagain.  I have imposed this penance upon the ladyneither out ofwantonnessnor cruelty; but from the best of motives; and therefore shallmake herno apology for it when she returns back: 'Tis to rebuke a vicioustastewhich has crept into thousands besides herselfof reading straightforwardsmore in quest of the adventuresthan of the deep erudition andknowledgewhich a book of this castif read over as it should bewouldinfalliblyimpart with themThe mind should be accustomed to make wisereflectionsand draw curious conclusions as it goes along; the habitude ofwhich madePliny the younger affirm'That he never read a book so badbuthe drewsome profit from it. '  The stories of Greece and Romerun overwithoutthis turn and applicationdo less serviceI affirm itthan thehistory ofParismus and Parismenusor of the Seven Champions of Englandread withit.

But herecomes my fair lady.   Have you read over again the chapterMadamasI desired you? You have:   And did you not observe the passageupon thesecond readingwhich admits the inference? Not a word like it!

ThenMadambe pleased to ponder well the last line but one of thechapterwhere I take upon me to say'It was necessary I should be bornbefore Iwas christen'd. '  Had my motherMadambeen a Papistthatconsequencedid not follow.   [The Romish Rituals direct the baptizing ofthe childin cases of dangerbefore it is born; but upon this provisoThat somepart or other of the child's body be seen by the baptizer: ButtheDoctors of the Sorbonneby a deliberation held amongst themApril101733haveenlarged the powers of the midwivesby determiningThatthough nopart of the child's body should appearthat baptism shallneverthelessbe administered to it by injectionpar le moyen d'unepetitecanulleAnglice a squirt. 'Tis very strange that St. ThomasAquinaswho had so good a mechanical headboth for tying and untying theknots ofschool-divinityshouldafter so much pains bestowed upon this--give upthe point at lastas a second La chose impossible'Infantes inmaternisuteris existentes [quoth St. Thomas! ] baptizari possunt nullomodo. 'OThomas! Thomas!   If the reader has the curiosity to see thequestionupon baptism by injectionas presented to the Doctors of theSorbonnewith their consultation thereuponit is as follows. ]

It isterrible misfortune for this same book of minebut more so to theRepublickof letters; so that my own is quite swallowed up in theconsiderationof itthat this self-same vile pruriency for freshadventuresin all thingshas got so strongly into our habit and humourand sowholly intent are we upon satisfying the impatience of ourconcupiscencethat waythat nothing but the gross and more carnal partsof acomposition will go down: The subtle hints and sly communications ofsciencefly offlike spirits upwardsthe heavy moral escapes downwards;and boththe one and the other are as much lost to the worldas if theywere stillleft in the bottom of the ink-horn.

I wish themale-reader has not pass'd by many a oneas quaint and curiousas thisonein which the female-reader has been detected.   I wish itmayhave itseffects; and that all good peopleboth male and femalefromexamplemay be taught to think as well as read.

Memoirepresente a Messieurs les Docteurs de Sorbonne

VideDeventer.   Paris Edit.   4to1734p. 366.

UnChirurgien Accoucheurrepresente a Messieurs les Docteurs deSorbonnequ'il ya des casquoique tres raresou une mere ne scauroit accoucher& meme oul'enfant est tellement renferme dans le sein de sa merequ'il nefaitparoitre aucune partie de son corpsce qui seroit un cassuivantlesRituelsde lui confererdu moins sous conditionle bapteme.   LeChirurgienqui consultepretendpar le moyen d'une petite canulledepouvoirbaptiser immediatement l'enfantsans faire aucun tort a la mere. Ildemand si ce moyenqu'il vient de proposerest permis &legitime& s'ilpeut s'en servir dans les cas qu'il vient d'exposer.

Reponse

LeConseil estimeque la question proposee souffre de grandesdifficultes. LesTheologiens posent d'un cote pour principeque le baptemequi estunenaissancespirituellesuppose une premiere naissance; il faut etre ne danslemondepour renaitre en Jesus Christcomme ils l'enseignent.  S. Thomas3 part. quaest. 88 artic. II. suit cette doctrine comme une veriteconstante;l'on ne peutdit ce S. Docteurbaptiser les enfans qui sontrenfermesdans le sein de leurs meres& S. Thomas est fonde sur cequelesenfans ne sont point nes& ne peuvent etre comptes parmi lesautreshommes;d'ou il concludqu'ils ne peuvent etre l'objet d'une actionexterieurepour recevoir par leur ministereles sacremens necessaires ausalut:  Pueri in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodierunt in lucem utcum aliishominibus vitam ducant; unde non possunt subjici actioni humanaeut pereorum ministerium sacramenta recipiant ad salutem.   Lesrituelsordonnentdans la pratique ce que les theologiens ont etabli sur les memesmatieres& ils deffendent tous d'une maniere uniformede baptiser lesenfansqui sont renfermes dans le sein de leurs meress'ils ne sontparoitrequelque partie de leurs corps.   Le concours des theologiens&desrituelsqui sont les regles des diocesesparoit former une autorite quiterminela question presente; cependant le conseil de conscienceconsiderantd'un coteque le raisonnement des theologiens est uniquementfondesur une raison de convenance& que la deffense des rituelssupposequel'on ne peut baptiser immediatement les enfans ainsi renfermes danslesein deleurs meresce qui est contre la supposition presente; & d'unautrecoteconsiderant que les memes theologiens enseignentque l'on peutrisquerles sacremens que Jesus Christ a etablis comme des moyens facilesmaisnecessaires pour sanctifier les hommes; & d'ailleurs estimantque lesenfansrenfermes dans le sein de leurs merespourroient etre capables desalutparcequ'ils sont capables de damnation; pour ces considerations& enegard a l'exposesuivant lequel on assure avoir trouve un moyencertaindebaptiser ces enfans ainsi renfermessans faire aucun tort a la mereleConseilestime que l'on pourroit se servir du moyen proposedans laconfiancequ'il aque Dieu n'a point laisse ces sortes d'enfans sansaucunssecours& supposantcomme il est exposeque le moyen dont ils'agitest propre a leur procurer le bapteme; cependant comme il s'agiroitenautorisant la pratique proposeede changer une regle universellementetabliele Conseil croit que celui qui consulte doit s'addresser a soneveque& a qui il appartient de juger de l'utilite& du danger dumoyenpropose& commesous le bon plaisir de l'evequele Conseil estime qu'ilfaudroitrecourir au Papequi a le droit d'expliquer les regles del'eglise& d'y deroger dans le casou la loi ne scauroit obligerquelquesage &quelque utile que paroisse la maniere de baptiser dont il s'agitleConseilne pourroit l'approver sans le concours de ces deux autorites.  Onconseileau moins a celui qui consultede s'addresser a son eveque& deluifaire part de la presente decisionafin quesi le prelat entre danslesraisons sur lesquelles les docteurs soussignes s'appuyentil puisseetreautorise dans le cas de necessiteou il risqueroit trop d'attendreque lapermission fut demandee & accordee d'employer le moyen qu'ilproposesiavantageux au salut de l'enfant.   Au restele Conseilenestimant quel'onpourroit s'en servircroit cependantque si les enfans dont ils'agitvenoient au mondecontre l'esperance de ceux qui se seroientservisdu meme moyenil seroit necessaire de les baptiser sous condition; &en cela le Conseil se conforme a tous les rituelsqui en autorisantlebaptemed'un enfant qui fait paroitre quelque partie de son corpsenjoignentneantmoins& ordonnent de le baptiser sous conditions'ilvientheureusement au monde.

Delibereen Sorbonnele 10 Avril1733.A. LeMoyne.L. DeRomigny.DeMarcilly.

MrTristram Shandy's compliments to Messrs. Le MoyneDe Romignyand DeMarcilly;hopes they all rested well the night after so tiresome aconsultation. Hebegs to knowwhether after the ceremony of marriageandbeforethat of consummationthe baptizing all the Homunculi at onceslapdashby injectionwould not be a shorter and safer cut still; onconditionas aboveThat if the Homunculi do welland come safe into theworldafter thisthat each and every of them shall be baptized again [souscondition]And providedin the second placeThat the thing can be donewhich MrShandy apprehends it maypar le moyen d'une petite canulleandsansfaire aucune tort au pere.

 ChapterXXI.

I wonderwhat's all that noiseand running backwards and forwards forabovestairsquoth my fatheraddressing himselfafter an hour and ahalf'ssilenceto my uncle Tobywhoyou must knowwas sitting on theoppositeside of the firesmoaking his social pipe all the timein mutecontemplationof a new pair of black plush-breeches which he had got on:What canthey be doingbrother? quoth my fatherwe can scarce hearourselvestalk.

I thinkreplied my uncle Tobytaking his pipe from his mouthandstrikingthe head of it two or three times upon the nail of his left thumbas hebegan his sentenceI thinksays he: But to enter rightly into myuncleToby's sentiments upon this matteryou must be made to enter first alittleinto his characterthe out-lines of which I shall just give youand thenthe dialogue between him and my father will go on as well again.

Pray whatwas that man's namefor I write in such a hurryI have no timetorecollect or look for itwho first made the observation'That therewas greatinconstancy in our air and climate? '  Whoever he was'twas ajust andgood observation in him. But the corollary drawn from itnamely'That itis this which has furnished us with such a variety of odd andwhimsicalcharacters; 'that was not his; it was found out by another manat least acentury and a half after him:   Then againthat this copiousstore-houseof original materialsis the true and natural cause that ourComediesare so much better than those of Franceor any others that eitherhaveorcan be wrote upon the Continent: that discovery was not fullymade tillabout the middle of King William's reignwhen the great Drydenin writingone of his long prefaces[if I mistake not] most fortunatelyhit uponit.   Indeed toward the latter end of queen Annethe greatAddisonbegan topatronize the notionand more fully explained it to the world inone or twoof his Spectators; but the discovery was not his. Thenfourthlyand lastlythat this strange irregularity in our climateproducingso strange an irregularity in our charactersdoth therebyinsome sortmake us amendsby giving us somewhat to make us merry with whentheweather will not suffer us to go out of doorsthat observation is myown; andwas struck out by me this very rainy dayMarch 261759andbetwixtthe hours of nine and ten in the morning.

Thusthusmy fellow-labourers and associates in this great harvest of ourlearningnow ripening before our eyes; thus it isby slow steps of casualincreasethat our knowledge physicalmetaphysicalphysiologicalpolemicalnauticalmathematicalaenigmaticaltechnicalbiographicalromanticalchemicaland obstetricalwith fifty other branches of it[most of'em ending as these doin ical] have for these two last centuriesand moregradually been creeping upwards towards that Akme of theirperfectionsfrom whichif we may form a conjecture from the advances ofthese lastseven yearswe cannot possibly be far off.

When thathappensit is to be hopedit will put an end to all kind ofwritingswhatsoever; the want of all kind of writing will put an end toall kindof reading; and that in timeAs war begets poverty; povertypeacemustin courseput an end to all kind of knowledgeand thenweshall haveall to begin over again; orin other wordsbe exactly where westarted.

Happy!  Thrice happy times!   I only wish that the aera of my begettingas well asthe mode and manner of ithad been a little alter'dor thatit couldhave been put offwith any convenience to my father or motherfor sometwenty or five-and-twenty years longerwhen a man in the literaryworldmight have stood some chance.

But Iforget my uncle Tobywhom all this while we have left knocking theashes outof his tobacco-pipe.

His humourwas of that particular specieswhich does honour to ouratmosphere;and I should have made no scruple of ranking him amongst one ofthefirst-rate productions of ithad not there appeared too many stronglines init of a family-likenesswhich shewed that he derived thesingularityof his temper more from bloodthan either wind or wateroranymodifications or combinations of them whatever:   And I havethereforeoft-timeswonderedthat my fathertho' I believe he had his reasons forituponhis observing some tokens of eccentricityin my coursewhen Iwas aboyshould never once endeavour to account for them in this way:

for allthe Shandy Family were of an original character throughout: I meanthemalesthe females had no character at allexceptindeedmy greatauntDinahwhoabout sixty years agowas married and got with child bythecoachmanfor which my fatheraccording to his hypothesis ofchristiannameswould often sayShe might thank her godfathers and godmothers.

It willseem strangeand I would as soon think of dropping a riddle inthereader's waywhich is not my interest to doas set him uponguessinghow itcould come to passthat an event of this kindso many years afterit hadhappenedshould be reserved for the interruption of the peace andunitywhich otherwise so cordially subsistedbetween my father and myuncleToby.   One would have thoughtthat the whole force of themisfortuneshouldhave spent and wasted itself in the family at firstas isgenerallythe case. But nothing ever wrought with our family after theordinaryway.   Possibly at the very time this happenedit might havesomethingelse to afflict it; and as afflictions are sent down for ourgoodandthat as this had never done the Shandy Family any good at allitmight liewaiting till apt times and circumstances should give it anopportunityto discharge its office. ObserveI determine nothing uponthis. Myway is ever to point out to the curiousdifferent tracts ofinvestigationto come at the first springs of the events I tell; not witha pedanticFescueor in the decisive manner or Tacituswho outwitshimselfand his reader; but with the officious humility of a heart devotedto theassistance merely of the inquisitive; to them I writeand by themI shall bereadif any such reading as this could be supposed to hold outso longtothe very end of the world.

Why thiscause of sorrowthereforewas thus reserved for my father anduncleisundetermined by me.   But how and in what direction it exerteditself soas to become the cause of dissatisfaction between themafter itbegan tooperateis what I am able to explain with great exactnessand isasfollows:

My uncleToby ShandyMadamwas a gentlemanwhowith the virtues whichusuallyconstitute the character of a man of honour and rectitudepossessedone in a very eminent degreewhich is seldom or never put intothecatalogue; and that was a most extreme and unparallel'd modesty ofnature; thoughI correct the word naturefor this reasonthat I may notprejudge apoint which must shortly come to a hearingand that isWhetherthismodesty of his was natural or acquir'd. Whichever way my uncle Tobycame byit'twas nevertheless modesty in the truest sense of it; and thatisMadamnot in regard to wordsfor he was so unhappy as to have verylittlechoice in thembut to things; and this kind of modesty sopossessedhimand it arose to such a height in himas almost to equalifsuch athing could beeven the modesty of a woman:   That femalenicetyMadamandinward cleanliness of mind and fancyin your sexwhich makesyou somuch the awe of ours.

You willimagineMadamthat my uncle Toby had contracted all this fromthis verysource; that he had spent a great part of his time in conversewith yoursexand that from a thorough knowledge of youand the force ofimitationwhich such fair examples render irresistiblehe had acquiredthisamiable turn of mind.

I wish Icould say sofor unless it was with his sister-in-lawmyfather'swife and my mothermy uncle Toby scarce exchanged three wordswith thesex in as many years; nohe got itMadamby a blow. A blow!YesMadamit was owing to a blow from a stonebroke off by a ball fromtheparapet of a horn-work at the siege of Namurwhich struck full uponmyuncleToby's groin. Which way could that effect it?   The story of thatMadamislong and interesting; but it would be running my history allupon heapsto give it you here. 'Tis for an episode hereafter; and everycircumstancerelating to itin its proper placeshall be faithfully laidbeforeyou: 'Till thenit is not in my power to give farther light intothismatteror say more than what I have said alreadyThat my uncle Tobywas agentleman of unparallel'd modestywhich happening to be somewhatsubtilizedand rarified by the constant heat of a little family pridethey bothso wrought together within himthat he could never bear to hearthe affairof my aunt Dinah touch'd uponbut with the greatest emotion.The leasthint of it was enough to make the blood fly into his face; butwhen myfather enlarged upon the story in mixed companieswhich theillustrationof his hypothesis frequently obliged him to dotheunfortunateblight of one of the fairest branches of the familywould setmy uncleToby's honour and modesty o'bleeding; and he would often take myfatherasidein the greatest concern imaginableto expostulate and tellhimhewould give him any thing in the worldonly to let the story rest.

My fatherI believehad the truest love and tenderness for my uncle Tobythat everone brother bore towards anotherand would have done any thingin naturewhich one brother in reason could have desir'd of anothertohave mademy uncle Toby's heart easy in thisor any other point.   Butthislay out ofhis power.

My fatheras I told you was a philosopher in grainspeculativesystematical; andmy aunt Dinah's affair was a matter of as muchconsequenceto himas the retrogradation of the planets to Copernicus:Thebackslidings of Venus in her orbit fortified the Copernican systemcalled soafter his name; and the backslidings of my aunt Dinah in herorbitdidthe same service in establishing my father's systemwhichItrustwill for ever hereafter be called the Shandean Systemafter his.

In anyother family dishonourmy fatherI believehad as nice a sense ofshame asany man whatever; and neither henorI dare sayCopernicuswould havedivulged the affair in either caseor have taken the leastnotice ofit to the worldbut for the obligations they owedas theythoughtto truth. Amicus Platomy father would sayconstruing the wordsto myuncle Tobyas he went alongAmicus Plato; that isDinah was myaunt; sedmagis amica veritasbut Truth is my sister.

Thiscontrariety of humours betwixt my father and my unclewas the sourceof many afraternal squabble.   The one could not bear to hear the tale offamilydisgrace recordedand the other would scarce ever let a day passto an endwithout some hint at it.

For God'ssakemy uncle Toby would cryand for my sakeand for all oursakesmydear brother Shandydo let this story of our aunt's and herashessleep in peace; how can youhow can you have so little feeling andcompassionfor the character of our family? What is the character of afamily toan hypothesis? my father would reply. Nayif you come to thatwhat isthe life of a family? The life of a family! my uncle Toby wouldsaythrowing himself back in his arm chairand lifting up his handshiseyesandone legYesthe lifemy father would saymaintaining hispoint.  How many thousands of 'em are there every year that come cast away[in allcivilized countries at least] and considered as nothing but commonairincompetition of an hypothesis.   In my plain sense of thingsmyuncle Tobywould answerevery such instance is downright Murderlet whowillcommit it. There lies your mistakemy father would reply; forinForoScientiae there is no such thing as Murder'tis only Deathbrother.

My uncleToby would never offer to answer this by any other kind ofargumentthan that of whistling half a dozen bars of Lillebullero. Youmust knowit was the usual channel thro' which his passions got ventwhenany thingshocked or surprized him: but especially when any thingwhichhe deem'dvery absurdwas offered.

As not oneof our logical writersnor any of the commentators upon themthat Irememberhave thought proper to give a name to this particularspecies ofargument. I here take the liberty to do it myselffor tworeasons.  FirstThatin order to prevent all confusion in disputesitmay standas much distinguished for everfrom every other species ofargumentasthe Argumentum ad Verecundiamex Absurdoex Fortiorior anyotherargument whatsoever: AndsecondlyThat it may be said by mychildren'schildrenwhen my head is laid to restthat their learn'dgrandfather'shead had been busied to as much purpose onceas otherpeople's; Thathe had invented a nameand generously thrown it into theTreasuryof the Ars Logicafor one of the most unanswerable arguments inthe wholescience.   Andif the end of disputation is more to silence thanconvincetheymay addif they pleaseto one of the best arguments too.

I dothereforeby these presentsstrictly order and commandThat it beknown anddistinguished by the name and title of the ArgumentumFistulatoriumand no other; and that it rank hereafter with theArgumentumBaculinum and the Argumentum ad Crumenamand for ever hereafterbe treatedof in the same.

As for theArgumentum Tripodiumwhich is never used but by the womanagainstthe man; and the Argumentum ad Remwhichcontrarywiseis madeuse of bythe man only against the woman; As these two are enough inconsciencefor one lecture; andmoreoveras the one is the best answerto theotherlet them likewise be kept apartand be treated of in aplace bythemselves.

ChapterXXII.

Thelearned Bishop HallI mean the famous Dr. Joseph Hallwho wasBishopof Exeterin King James the First's reigntells us in one of Decadsatthe end ofhis divine art of meditationimprinted at Londonin the year1610byJohn Bealdwelling in Aldersgate-street'That it is anabominablething for a man to commend himself; 'and I really think it isso.

And yeton the other handwhen a thing is executed in a masterly kind ofa fashionwhich thing is not likely to be found out; I think it is fullasabominablethat a man should lose the honour of itand go out oftheworld withthe conceit of it rotting in his head.

This isprecisely my situation.

  Forin this long digression which I was accidentally led intoas in allmydigressions [one only excepted] there is a master-stroke ofdigressiveskillthemerit of which has all alongI fearbeen over-looked by myreadernotfor want of penetration in himbut because 'tis anexcellenceseldom looked foror expected indeedin a digression; and itis this:  That tho' my digressions are all fairas you observeand thatI fly offfrom what I am aboutas farand as often tooas any writer inGreatBritain; yet I constantly take care to order affairs so that my mainbusinessdoes not stand still in my absence.

I was justgoingfor exampleto have given you the great out-lines of myuncleToby's most whimsical character; when my aunt Dinah and the coachmancameacross usand led us a vagary some millions of miles into the veryheart ofthe planetary system:   Notwithstanding all thisyou perceivethatthedrawing of my uncle Toby's character went on gently all the time; notthe greatcontours of itthat was impossiblebut some familiar strokesand faintdesignations of itwere here and there touch'd onas we wentalongsothat you are much better acquainted with my uncle Toby now thanyou wasbefore.

By thiscontrivance the machinery of my work is of a species by itself; twocontrarymotions are introduced into itand reconciledwhich were thoughtto be atvariance with each other.   In a wordmy work is digressiveandit isprogressive tooand at the same time.

ThisSiris a very different story from that of the earth's moving roundher axisin her diurnal rotationwith her progress in her elliptick orbitwhichbrings about the yearand constitutes that variety and vicissitudeof seasonswe enjoy; though I own it suggested the thoughtas I believethegreatest of our boasted improvements and discoveries have come fromsuchtrifling hints.

Digressionsincontestablyare the sunshine; they are the lifethe soulofreading! take them out of this bookfor instanceyou might as welltake thebook along with them; one cold eternal winter would reign inevery pageof it; restore them to the writer; he steps forth like abridegroombidsAll-hail; brings in varietyand forbids the appetite tofail.

All thedexterity is in the good cookery and management of themso as tobe notonly for the advantage of the readerbut also of the authorwhosedistressin this matteris truly pitiable:   Forif he begins adigressionfromthat momentI observehis whole work stands stockstill; andif he goes on with his main workthen there is an end of hisdigression.

This isvile work. For which reasonfrom the beginning of thisyouseeIhave constructed the main work and the adventitious parts of it withsuchintersectionsand have so complicated and involved the digressiveandprogressivemovementsone wheel within anotherthat the whole machineingeneralhas been kept a'going; and; what's moreit shall be kept a-goingtheseforty yearsif it pleases the fountain of health to bless me so longwith lifeand good spirits.

 ChapterXXIII.

I have astrong propensity in me to begin this chapter very nonsensicallyand I willnot balk my fancy. Accordingly I set off thus:

If thefixture of Momus's glass in the human breastaccording to theproposedemendation of that arch-critickhad taken placefirstThisfoolishconsequence would certainly have followedThat the very wisestand verygravest of us allin one coin or othermust have paid window-moneyevery day of our lives.

Andsecondlythat had the said glass been there set upnothing morewould havebeen wantingin order to have taken a man's characterbut tohave takena chair and gone softlyas you would to a dioptrical bee-hiveand look'dinview'd the soul stark naked; observed all her motionshermachinations; traced all her maggots from their first engendering totheircrawling forth; watched her loose in her frisksher gambolshercapricios;and after some notice of her more solemn deportmentconsequentupon suchfrisks& c. then taken your pen and ink and set down nothing butwhat youhad seenand could have sworn to: But this is an advantage notto be hadby the biographer in this planet; in the planet Mercury [belike]it may besoif not better still for him; for there the intense heat ofthecountrywhich is proved by computatorsfrom its vicinity to thesunto be morethan equal to that of red-hot ironmustI thinklong agohavevitrified the bodies of the inhabitants[as the efficient cause] tosuit themfor the climate [which is the final cause; ] so that betwixt thembothallthe tenements of their soulsfrom top to bottommay be nothingelseforaught the soundest philosophy can shew to the contrarybut onefinetransparent body of clear glass [bating the umbilical knot] so thattill theinhabitants grow old and tolerably wrinkledwhereby the rays oflightinpassing through thembecome so monstrously refractedor returnreflectedfrom their surfaces in such transverse lines to the eyethat aman cannotbe seen through; his soul might as wellunless for mereceremonyor the trifling advantage which the umbilical point gave hermightupon all other accountsI sayas well play the fool out o'doors asin her ownhouse.

But thisas I said aboveis not the case of the inhabitants of thisearth; ourminds shine not through the bodybut are wrapt up here in adarkcovering of uncrystalized flesh and blood; so thatif we would cometo thespecific characters of themwe must go some other way to work.

Manyingood truthare the wayswhich human wit has been forced to taketo do thisthing with exactness.

Someforinstancedraw all their characters with wind-instruments.Virgiltakes notice of that way in the affair of Dido and Aeneas; but itis asfallacious as the breath of fame; andmoreoverbespeaks a narrowgenius. Iam not ignorant that the Italians pretend to a mathematicalexactnessin their designations of one particular sort of character amongthemfromthe forte or piano of a certain wind-instrument they usewhichthey sayis infallible. I dare not mention the name of the instrument inthisplace; 'tis sufficient we have it amongst usbut never think ofmaking adrawing by it; this is aenigmaticaland intended to be soatleast adpopulum: And thereforeI begMadamwhen you come herethatyou readon as fast as you canand never stop to make any inquiry aboutit.

There areothers againwho will draw a man's character from no other helpsin theworldbut merely from his evacuations; but this often gives a veryincorrectoutlineunlessindeedyou take a sketch of his repletionstoo; andby correcting one drawing from the othercompound one good figureout ofthem both.

I shouldhave no objection to this methodbut that I think it must smelltoo strongof the lampand be render'd still more operoseby forcing youto have aneye to the rest of his Non-naturals. Why the most naturalactions ofa man's life should be called his Non-naturalsis anotherquestion.

There areothersfourthlywho disdain every one of these expedients; notfrom anyfertility of their ownbut from the various ways of doing itwhich theyhave borrowed from the honourable devices which the PentagraphicBrethren[Pentagraphan instrument to copy Prints and Picturesmechanicallyand in any proportion. ] of the brush have shewn in takingcopies. Theseyou must knoware your great historians.

One ofthese you will see drawing a full length character against thelight; that'silliberaldishonestand hard upon the character of theman whosits.

Otherstomend the matterwill make a drawing of you in the Camera; thatis mostunfair of allbecausethere you are sure to be represented insome ofyour most ridiculous attitudes.

To avoidall and every one of these errors in giving you my uncle Toby'scharacterI am determined to draw it by no mechanical help whatever; norshall mypencil be guided by any one wind-instrument which ever was blownuponeither on thisor on the other side of the Alps; nor will Iconsidereither his repletions or his dischargesor touch upon his Non-naturals;butin a wordI will draw my uncle Toby's character from hisHobby-Horse.

 ChapterXIV.

If I wasnot morally sure that the reader must be out of all patience formy uncleToby's characterI would here previously have convinced him thatthere isno instrument so fit to draw such a thing withas that which Ihavepitch'd upon.

A man andhis Hobby-Horsetho' I cannot say that they act and re-actexactlyafter the same manner in which the soul and body do upon eachother:  Yet doubtless there is a communication between them of some kind;and myopinion rather isthat there is something in it more of the mannerofelectrified bodiesand thatby means of the heated parts of theriderwhich come immediately into contact with the back of the Hobby-Horsebylong journies and much frictionit so happensthat the body ofthe rideris at length fill'd as full of Hobby-Horsical matter as it canhold; sothat if you are able to give but a clear description of thenature ofthe oneyou may form a pretty exact notion of the genius andcharacterof the other.

Now theHobby-Horse which my uncle Toby always rode uponwas in my opinionanHobby-Horse well worth giving a description ofif it was only uponthescore ofhis great singularity; for you might have travelled from York toDoverfromDover to Penzance in Cornwalland from Penzance to York backagainandnot have seen such another upon the road; or if you had seensuch aonewhatever haste you had been inyou must infallibly havestopp'd tohave taken a view of him.   Indeedthe gait and figure of himwas sostrangeand so utterly unlike was hefrom his head to his tailtoany one ofthe whole speciesthat it was now and then made a matter ofdisputewhetherhe was really a Hobby-Horse or no:   But as thePhilosopherwould use no other argument to the Scepticwho disputed withhimagainst the reality of motionsave that of rising up upon his legsandwalking across the room; so would my uncle Toby use no other argumentto provehis Hobby-Horse was a Hobby-Horse indeedbut by getting upon hisback andriding him about; leaving the worldafter thatto determine thepoint asit thought fit.

In goodtruthmy uncle Toby mounted him with so much pleasureand hecarried myuncle Toby so wellthat he troubled his head very little withwhat theworld either said or thought about it.

It is nowhigh timehoweverthat I give you a description of him: But togo onregularlyI only beg you will give me leave to acquaint you firsthow myuncle Toby came by him.

 ChapterXXV.

The woundin my uncle Toby's groinwhich he received at the siege ofNamurrendering him unfit for the serviceit was thought expedient heshouldreturn to Englandin orderif possibleto be set to rights.

He wasfour years totally confinedpart of it to his bedand all of itto hisroom:   and in the course of his curewhich was all that time inhandsuffer'd unspeakable miseriesowing to a succession of exfoliationsfrom theos pubisand the outward edge of that part of the coxendix calledthe osilliumboth which bones were dismally crush'das much by theirregularityof the stonewhich I told you was broke off the parapetasby itssize[tho' it was pretty large] which inclined the surgeon allalong tothinkthat the great injury which it had done my uncle Toby'sgroinwasmore owing to the gravity of the stone itselfthan to theprojectileforce of itwhich he would often tell him was a greathappiness.

My fatherat that time was just beginning business in Londonand had takenahouse; and as the truest friendship and cordiality subsisted betweenthetwobrothersand that my father thought my uncle Toby could no where beso wellnursed and taken care of as in his own househe assign'd him thevery bestapartment in it. And what was a much more sincere mark of hisaffectionstillhe would never suffer a friend or an acquaintance to stepinto thehouse on any occasionbut he would take him by the handand leadhim upstairs to see his brother Tobyand chat an hour by his bed-side.

Thehistory of a soldier's wound beguiles the pain of it; my uncle'svisitorsat least thought soand in their daily calls upon himfrom thecourtesyarising out of that beliefthey would frequently turn thediscourseto that subjectand from that subject the discourse wouldgenerallyroll on to the siege itself.

Theseconversations were infinitely kind; and my uncle Toby received greatrelieffrom themand would have received much morebut that they broughthim intosome unforeseen perplexitieswhichfor three months togetherretardedhis cure greatly; and if he had not hit upon an expedient toextricatehimself out of themI verily believe they would have laid him inhis grave.

What theseperplexities of my uncle Toby were'tis impossible for you toguess; ifyou couldI should blush; not as a relationnot as a mannor evenas a womanbut I should blush as an author; inasmuch as I set nosmallstore by myself upon this very accountthat my reader has never yetbeen ableto guess at any thing.   And in thisSirI am of so nice andsingular ahumourthat if I thought you was able to form the leastjudgmentor probable conjecture to yourselfof what was to come in thenextpageI would tear it out of my book.

VOL. II    ChapterI.

I havebegun a new bookon purpose that I might have room enough toexplainthe nature of the perplexities in which my uncle Toby was involvedfrom themany discourses and interrogations about the siege of Namurwherehereceived his wound.

I mustremind the readerin case he has read the history of King William'swarsbutif he has notI then inform himthat one of the mostmemorableattacks in that siegewas that which was made by the English andDutch uponthe point of the advanced counterscarpbetween the gate of St.Nicolaswhich inclosed the great sluice or water-stopwhere the Englishwereterribly exposed to the shot of the counter-guard and demi-bastion ofSt. Roch:  The issue of which hot disputein three wordswas this;   Thatthe Dutchlodged themselves upon the counter-guardand that the Englishmadethemselves masters of the covered-way before St. Nicolas-gatenotwithstandingthe gallantry of the French officerswho exposedthemselvesupon the glacis sword in hand.

As thiswas the principal attack of which my uncle Toby was an eye-witnessatNamurthe army of the besiegers being cut offby the confluence ofthe Maesand Sambrefrom seeing much of each other's operationsmy uncleToby wasgenerally more eloquent and particular in his account of it; andthe manyperplexities he was inarose out of the almost insurmountabledifficultieshe found in telling his story intelligiblyand giving suchclearideas of the differences and distinctions between the scarp andcounterscarptheglacis and covered-waythe half-moon and ravelinasto makehis company fully comprehend where and what he was about.

Writersthemselves are too apt to confound these terms; so that you willthe lesswonderif in his endeavours to explain themand in opposition tomanymisconceptionsthat my uncle Toby did oft-times puzzle his visitorsandsometimes himself too.

To speakthe truthunless the company my father led up stairs weretolerablyclear-headedor my uncle Toby was in one of his explanatorymoods'twas a difficult thingdo what he couldto keep the discoursefree fromobscurity.

Whatrendered the account of this affair the more intricate to my uncleTobywasthisthat in the attack of the counterscarpbefore the gate ofSt.Nicolasextending itself from the bank of the Maesquite up to thegreatwater-stopthe ground was cut and cross cut with such a multitudeof dykesdrainsrivuletsand sluiceson all sidesand he would get sosadlybewilderedand set fast amongst themthat frequently he couldneitherget backwards or forwards to save his life; and was oft-timesobliged togive up the attack upon that very account only.

Theseperplexing rebuffs gave my uncle Toby Shandy more perturbations thanyou wouldimagine; and as my father's kindness to him was continuallydraggingup fresh friends and fresh enquirershe had but a very uneasytask ofit.

No doubtmy uncle Toby had great command of himselfand could guardappearancesI believeas well as most men; yet any one may imaginethatwhen hecould not retreat out of the ravelin without getting into the half-moonorget out of the covered-way without falling down the counterscarpnor crossthe dyke without danger of slipping into the ditchbut that hemust havefretted and fumed inwardly: He did so; and the little andhourlyvexationswhich may seem trifling and of no account to the man whohas notread Hippocratesyetwhoever has read Hippocratesor Dr. JamesMackenzieand has considered well the effects which the passions andaffectionsof the mind have upon the digestion [Why not of a wound as wellas of adinner? ] may easily conceive what sharp paroxysms andexacerbationsof his wound my uncle Toby must have undergone upon thatscoreonly.

My uncleToby could not philosophize upon it; 'twas enough he felt itwas soandhaving sustained the pain and sorrows of it for three monthstogetherhe was resolved some way or other to extricate himself.

He was onemorning lying upon his back in his bedthe anguish and natureof thewound upon his groin suffering him to lie in no other positionwhena thoughtcame into his headthat if he could purchase such a thingandhave itpasted down upon a boardas a large map of the fortification ofthe townand citadel of Namurwith its environsit might be a means ofgiving himease. I take notice of his desire to have the environs alongwith thetown and citadelfor this reasonbecause my uncle Toby's woundwas got inone of the traversesabout thirty toises from the returningangle ofthe trenchopposite to the salient angle of the demi-bastion ofSt.Roch: so that he was pretty confident he could stick a pin upon theidenticalspot of ground where he was standing on when the stone struckhim.

All thissucceeded to his wishesand not only freed him from a world ofsadexplanationsbutin the endit proved the happy meansas you willreadofprocuring my uncle Toby his Hobby-Horse.

 ChapterII.

There isnothing so foolishwhen you are at the expence of making anentertainmentof this kindas to order things so badlyas to let yourcriticksand gentry of refined taste run it down:   Nor is there any thingso likelyto make them do itas that of leaving them out of the partyorwhat isfull as offensiveof bestowing your attention upon the rest ofyourguests in so particular a wayas if there was no such thing as acritick[by occupation] at table.

I guardagainst both; forin the first placeI have left half a dozenplacespurposely open for them; and in the next placeI pay them allcourt. GentlemenI kiss your handsI protest no company could give mehalf thepleasureby my soul I am glad to see youI beg only you willmake nostrangers of yourselvesbut sit down without any ceremonyandfall onheartily.

I said Ihad left six placesand I was upon the point of carrying mycomplaisanceso faras to have left a seventh open for themand in thisvery spotI stand on; but being told by a Critick [tho' not by occupation--but bynature] that I had acquitted myself well enoughI shall fill it updirectlyhopingin the mean timethat I shall be able to make a greatdeal ofmore room next year.

Howinthe name of wonder! could your uncle Tobywhoit seemswas amilitarymanand whom you have represented as no foolbe at the sametime sucha confusedpudding-headedmuddle-headedfellowasGo look.

SoSirCritickI could have replied; but I scorn it. 'Tis languageunurbaneandonly befitting the man who cannot give clear andsatisfactoryaccounts of thingsor dive deep enough into the first causesof humanignorance and confusion.   It is moreover the reply valiantandthereforeI reject it; for tho' it might have suited my uncle Toby'scharacteras a soldier excellently welland had he not accustomedhimselfin such attacksto whistle the Lillabulleroas he wanted nocourage'tis the very answer he would have given; yet it would by no meanshave donefor me.   You see as plain as can bethat I write as a man oferudition; thateven my similiesmy allusionsmy illustrationsmymetaphorsare eruditeand that I must sustain my character properlyandcontrastit properly tooelse what would become of me?   WhySirIshould beundone; at this very moment that I am going here to fill up oneplaceagainst a critickI should have made an opening for a couple.

ThereforeI answer thus:

PraySirin all the reading which you have ever readdid you ever readsuch abook as Locke's Essay upon the Human Understanding? Don't answer merashlybecausemanyI knowquote the bookwho have not read itandmany haveread it who understand it not: If either of these is your caseas I writeto instructI will tell you in three words what the book is.It is ahistory. A history! of who? what? where? when?   Don't hurryyourselfItis a history-bookSir[which may possibly recommend it tothe world]of what passes in a man's own mind; and if you will say so muchof thebookand no morebelieve meyou will cut no contemptible figurein ametaphysick circle.

But thisby the way.

Now if youwill venture to go along with meand look down into the bottomof thismatterit will be found that the cause of obscurity and confusionin themind of a manis threefold.

Dullorgansdear Sirin the first place.   Secondlyslight andtransientimpressionsmade by the objectswhen the said organs are not dull.   Andthirdlyamemory like unto a sievenot able to retain what it hasreceived. Calldown Dolly your chamber-maidand I will give you my capand bellalong with itif I make not this matter so plain that Dollyherselfshould understand it as well as Malbranch. When Dolly has inditedherepistle to Robinand has thrust her arm into the bottom of herpockethanging byher right side; take that opportunity to recollect that theorgans andfaculties of perception canby nothing in this worldbe soaptlytypified and explained as by that one thing which Dolly's hand is insearchof. Your organs are not so dull that I should inform you'tis aninchSirof red seal-wax.

When thisis melted and dropped upon the letterif Dolly fumbles too longfor herthimbletill the wax is over hardenedit will not receive themark ofher thimble from the usual impulse which was wont to imprint it.

Verywell.   If Dolly's waxfor want of betteris bees-waxor of atempertoosofttho' it may receiveit will not hold the impressionhow hardsoeverDolly thrusts against it; and last of allsupposing the wax goodand ekethe thimblebut applied thereto in careless hasteas her Mistressrings thebell; in any one of these three cases the print left by thethimblewill be as unlike the prototype as a brass-jack.

Now youmust understand that not one of these was the true cause of theconfusionin my uncle Toby's discourse; and it is for that very reason Ienlargeupon them so longafter the manner of great physiologiststo shewthe worldwhat it did not arise from.

What itdid arise fromI have hinted aboveand a fertile source ofobscurityit isand ever will beand that is the unsteady uses ofwordswhich have perplexed the clearest and most exalted understandings.

It is tento one [at Arthur's] whether you have ever read the literaryhistoriesof past ages; if you havewhat terrible battles'ycleptlogomachieshave they occasioned and perpetuated with so much gall andink-shedthata good-natured man cannot read the accounts of them withouttears inhis eyes.

Gentlecritick! when thou hast weighed all thisand considered withinthyselfhow much of thy own knowledgediscourseand conversation has beenpesteredand disorderedat one time or otherby thisand this only:What apudder and racket in Councils about [Greek] ; and in the Schools ofthelearned about power and about spirit; about essencesand aboutquintessences; aboutsubstancesand about space. What confusion ingreaterTheatres from words of little meaningand as indeterminate asense!when thou considerest thisthou wilt not wonder at my uncle Toby'sperplexitiesthouwilt drop a tear of pity upon his scarp and hiscounterscarp; hisglacis and his covered way; his ravelin and his half-moon:  'Twas not by ideasby Heaven; his life was put in jeopardy bywords.

 ChapterIII.

When myuncle Toby got his map of Namur to his mindhe began immediatelyto applyhimselfand with the utmost diligenceto the study of it; fornothingbeing of more importance to him than his recoveryand his recoverydependingas you have readupon the passions and affections of his mindit behovedhim to take the nicest care to make himself so far master of hissubjectas to be able to talk upon it without emotion.

In afortnight's close and painful applicationwhichby the byedid myuncleToby's woundupon his groinno goodhe was enabledby the helpof somemarginal documents at the feet of the elephanttogether withGobesius'smilitary architecture and pyroballogytranslated from theFlemishto form his discourse with passable perspicuity; and before he wastwo fullmonths gonehe was right eloquent upon itand could make notonly theattack of the advanced counterscarp with great order; but havingby thattimegone much deeper into the artthan what his first motivemadenecessarymy uncle Toby was able to cross the Maes and Sambre; makediversionsas far as Vauban's linethe abbey of Salsines& c. and give hisvisitorsas distinct a history of each of their attacksas of that of thegate ofSt. Nicolaswhere he had the honour to receive his wound.

But desireof knowledgelike the thirst of richesincreases ever with theacquisitionof it.   The more my uncle Toby pored over his mapthe more hetook aliking to it! by the same process and electrical assimilationas Itold youthrough which I ween the souls of connoisseurs themselvesbylongfriction and incumbitionhave the happinessat lengthto get allbe-virtu'dbe-picturedbe-butterfliedand be-fiddled.

The moremy uncle Toby drank of this sweet fountain of sciencethe greaterwas theheat and impatience of his thirstso that before the first year ofhisconfinement had well gone roundthere was scarce a fortified town inItaly orFlandersof whichby one means or otherhe had not procured aplanreading over as he got themand carefully collating therewith thehistoriesof their siegestheir demolitionstheir improvementsand newworksallwhich he would read with that intense application and delightthat hewould forget himselfhis woundhis confinementhis dinner.

In thesecond year my uncle Toby purchased Ramelli and Cataneotranslatedfrom theItalian; likewise StevinusMoralisthe Chevalier de VilleLoriniCochornSheeterthe Count de Paganthe Marshal VaubanMons.Blondelwith almost as many more books of military architectureas DonQuixotewas found to have of chivalrywhen the curate and barber invadedhislibrary.

Towardsthe beginning of the third yearwhich was in Augustninety-ninemy uncleToby found it necessary to understand a little of projectiles:and havingjudged it best to draw his knowledge from the fountain-headhebegan withN. Tartagliawho it seems was the first man who detected theimpositionof a cannon-ball's doing all that mischief under the notion of arightlineThis N. Tartaglia proved to my uncle Toby to be an impossiblething.

Endless isthe search of Truth.

No soonerwas my uncle Toby satisfied which road the cannon-ball did notgobut hewas insensibly led onand resolved in his mind to enquire andfind outwhich road the ball did go:   For which purpose he was obliged toset offafresh with old Maltusand studied him devoutly. He proceedednext toGalileo and Torricelliuswhereinby certain Geometrical rulesinfalliblylaid downhe found the precise path to be a Parabolaor elseanHyperbolaand that the parameteror latus rectumof the conicsection ofthe said pathwas to the quantity and amplitude in a directratioasthe whole line to the sine of double the angle of incidenceformed bythe breech upon an horizontal plane; and that thesemiparameterstop!my dear uncle Tobystop! go not one foot fartherinto thisthorny and bewildered trackintricate are the steps! intricateare themazes of this labyrinth! intricate are the troubles which thepursuit ofthis bewitching phantom Knowledge will bring upon thee. O myuncle; flyflyflyfrom it as from a serpent. Is it fitgoodnaturedman! thoushould'st sit upwith the wound upon thy groinwhole nightsbaking thyblood with hectic watchings? Alas! 'twill exasperate thysymptomscheckthy perspirationsevaporate thy spiritswaste thy animalstrengthdry up thy radical moisturebring thee into a costive habit ofbodyimpairthy healthand hasten all the infirmities of thy old age.O myuncle! my uncle Toby.

 ChapterIV.

I wouldnot give a groat for that man's knowledge in pen-craftwho doesnotunderstand thisThat the best plain narrative in the worldtackedvery closeto the last spirited apostrophe to my uncle Tobywould havefelt bothcold and vapid upon the reader's palate; therefore I forthwithput an endto the chapterthough I was in the middle of my story.

Writers ofmy stamp have one principle in common with painters.   Where anexactcopying makes our pictures less strikingwe choose the less evil;deeming iteven more pardonable to trespass against truththan beauty.

This is tobe understood cum grano salis; but be it as it willas theparallelis made more for the sake of letting the apostrophe coolthan anythingelse'tis not very material whether upon any other score the readerapprovesof it or not.

In thelatter end of the third yearmy uncle Toby perceiving that theparameterand semi-parameter of the conic section angered his woundheleft offthe study of projectiles in a kind of a huffand betook himselfto thepractical part of fortification only; the pleasure of whichlike aspringheld backreturned upon him with redoubled force.

It was inthis year that my uncle began to break in upon the dailyregularityof a clean shirtto dismiss his barber unshavenand to allowhissurgeon scarce time sufficient to dress his woundconcerning himselfso littleabout itas not to ask him once in seven times dressinghow itwent on:  whenlo! all of a suddenfor the change was quick aslightninghe began to sigh heavily for his recoverycomplained to myfathergrew impatient with the surgeon: and one morningas he heard hisfootcoming up stairshe shut up his booksand thrust aside hisinstrumentsin order to expostulate with him upon the protraction of thecurewhichhe told himmight surely have been accomplished at least bythattime: He dwelt long upon the miseries he had undergoneand thesorrows ofhis four years melancholy imprisonment; addingthat had it notbeen forthe kind looks and fraternal chearings of the best of brothershe hadlong since sunk under his misfortunes. My father was by.   MyuncleToby'seloquence brought tears into his eyes; 'twas unexpected: My uncleTobybynature was not eloquent; it had the greater effect: The surgeonwasconfounded; not that there wanted grounds for suchor greater marksofimpatiencebut 'twas unexpected too; in the four years he hadattendedhimhehad never seen any thing like it in my uncle Toby's carriage; hehad neveronce dropped one fretful or discontented word; he had been allpatienceallsubmission.

We losethe right of complaining sometimes by forbearing it; but weoftentreble the force: The surgeon was astonished; but much more sowhenhe heardmy uncle Toby go onand peremptorily insist upon his healing upthe wounddirectlyor sending for Monsieur Ronjatthe king's serjeant-surgeonto do it for him.

The desireof life and health is implanted in man's nature; the love oflibertyand enlargement is a sister-passion to it:   These my uncle Tobyhadin commonwith his speciesand either of them had been sufficient toaccountfor his earnest desire to get well and out of doors; but I havetold youbeforethat nothing wrought with our family after the commonway; andfrom the time and manner in which this eager desire shewed itselfin thepresent casethe penetrating reader will suspect there was someothercause or crotchet for it in my uncle Toby's head: There was soand'tis thesubject of the next chapter to set forth what that cause andcrotchetwas.   I ownwhen that's done'twill be time to return back totheparlour fire-sidewhere we left my uncle Toby in the middle of hissentence.

  ChapterV.   When a mangives himself up to the government of a ruling passionorinotherwordswhen his Hobby-Horse grows headstrongfarewell cool reasonand fairdiscretion!

My uncleToby's wound was near welland as soon as the surgeon recoveredhissurprizeand could get leave to say as muchhe told him'twas justbeginningto incarnate; and that if no fresh exfoliation happenedwhichthere wasno sign ofit would be dried up in five or six weeks.   Thesound ofas many Olympiadstwelve hours beforewould have conveyed anidea ofshorter duration to my uncle Toby's mind. The succession of hisideas wasnow rapidhe broiled with impatience to put his design inexecution; andsowithout consulting farther with any soul livingwhichbythe byeI think is rightwhen you are predetermined to take noone soul'sadvicehe privately ordered Trimhis manto pack up a bundleof lintand dressingsand hire a chariot-and-four to be at the doorexactly bytwelve o'clock that daywhen he knew my father would be upon'Change. Soleaving a bank-note upon the table for the surgeon's care ofhimand aletter of tender thanks for his brother'she packed up hismapshisbooks of fortificationhis instruments& c. and by the help of acrutch onone sideand Trim on the othermy uncle Toby embarked forShandy-Hall.

Thereasonor rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as follows:

The tablein my uncle Toby's roomand at whichthe night before thischangehappenedhe was sitting with his maps& c. about himbeingsomewhatof the smallestfor that infinity of great and small instrumentsofknowledge which usually lay crowded upon ithe had the accidentinreachingover for his tobacco-boxto throw down his compassesand instoopingto take the compasses upwith his sleeve he threw down his caseofinstruments and snuffers; and as the dice took a run against himinhisendeavouring to catch the snuffers in fallinghe thrust MonsieurBlondeloff the tableand Count de Pagon o'top of him.

'Twas tono purpose for a manlame as my uncle Toby wasto think ofredressingthese evils by himselfhe rung his bell for his man Trim;Trimquoth my uncle Tobyprithee see what confusion I have here beenmakingImust have some better contrivanceTrim. Can'st not thou take myruleandmeasure the length and breadth of this tableand then go andbespeak meone as big again? Yesan' please your Honourreplied Trimmaking abow; but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get downto yourcountry-seatwhereas your Honour takes so much pleasure infortificationwe could manage this matter to a T.

I musthere inform youthat this servant of my uncle Toby'swho went bythe nameof Trimhad been a corporal in my uncle's own companyhis realname wasJames Butlerbut having got the nick-name of Trimin theregimentmy uncle Tobyunless when he happened to be very angry with himwouldnever call him by any other name.

The poorfellow had been disabled for the serviceby a wound on his leftknee by amusket-bulletat the battle of Landenwhich was two yearsbefore theaffair of Namur; and as the fellow was well-beloved in theregimentand a handy fellow into the bargainmy uncle Toby took him forhisservant; and of an excellent use was heattending my uncle Toby inthecamp andin his quarters as a valetgroombarbercooksempsterandnurse; andindeedfrom first to lastwaited upon him and served him withgreatfidelity and affection.

My uncleToby loved the man in returnand what attached him more to himstillwasthe similitude of their knowledge. For Corporal Trim[for sofor thefutureI shall call him] by four years occasional attention to hisMaster'sdiscourse upon fortified townsand the advantage of prying andpeepingcontinually into his Master's plans& c. exclusive and besideswhathe gainedHobby-Horsicallyas a body-servantNon Hobby Horsical per se;had becomeno mean proficient in the science; and was thoughtby the cookandchamber-maidto know as much of the nature of strong-holds as myuncleTobyhimself.

I have butone more stroke to give to finish Corporal Trim's characterand it isthe only dark line in it. The fellow loved to adviseor ratherto hearhimself talk; his carriagehoweverwas so perfectly respectful'twas easyto keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-goingyouhad no hold of himhe was voluble; the eternal interlardingsof yourHonourwith the respectfulness of Corporal Trim's mannerintercedingso strong in behalf of his elocutionthat though you mighthave beenincommodedyou could not well be angry.   My uncle Toby wasseldomeither the one or the other with himorat leastthis faultinTrimbroke no squares with them.   My uncle Tobyas I saidloved theman; andbesidesas he ever looked upon a faithful servantbut as anhumblefriendhe could not bear to stop his mouth. Such was CorporalTrim.

If I durstpresumecontinued Trimto give your Honour my adviceandspeak myopinion in this matter. Thou art welcomeTrimquoth my uncleTobyspeakspeakwhat thou thinkest upon the subjectmanwithoutfear. Whythenreplied Trim[not hanging his ears and scratching hishead likea country-loutbut] stroking his hair back from his foreheadandstanding erect as before his divisionI thinkquoth Trimadvancinghis leftwhich was his lame lega little forwardsand pointing with hisright handopen towards a map of Dunkirkwhich was pinned against thehangingsIthinkquoth Corporal Trimwith humble submission to yourHonour'sbetter judgmentthat these ravelinsbastionscurtinsandhornworksmake but a poorcontemptiblefiddle-faddle piece of work of ithere uponpapercompared to what your Honour and I could make of it werewe in thecountry by ourselvesand had but a roodor a rood and a half ofground todo what we pleased with:   As summer is coming oncontinuedTrimyourHonour might sit out of doorsand give me the nography [Call itichnographyquoth my uncle] of the town or citadelyour Honour waspleased tosit down beforeand I will be shot by your Honour upon theglacis ofitif I did not fortify it to your Honour's mind. I dare saythouwould'stTrimquoth my uncle. For if your Honourcontinued theCorporalcould but mark me the polygonwith its exact lines and anglesThat Icould do very wellquoth my uncle. I would begin with the fosseand ifyour Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadthI can to ahair'sbreadthTrimreplied my uncle. I would throw out the earth uponthis handtowards the town for the scarpand on that hand towards thecampaignfor the counterscarp. Very rightTrimquoth my uncle Toby: Andwhen I hadsloped them to your mindand' please your HonourI would facetheglacisas the finest fortifications are done in Flanderswith sodsand asyour Honour knows they should beand I would make the walls andparapetswith sods too. The best engineers call them gazonsTrimsaid myuncleToby. Whether they are gazons or sodsis not much matterrepliedTrim; yourHonour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of brickor stone. Iknow they areTrim in some respectsquoth my uncle Tobynoddinghis head; for a cannon-ball enters into the gazon right onwardswithoutbringing any rubbish down with itwhich might fill the fosse[aswas thecase at St. Nicolas's gate] and facilitate the passage over it.

YourHonour understands these mattersreplied Corporal Trimbetter thananyofficer in his Majesty's service; but would your Honour please to letthebespeaking of the table aloneand let us but go into the countryIwould workunder your Honour's directions like a horseand makefortificationsfor you something like a tansywith all their batteriessapsditchesand palisadoesthat it should be worth all the world'sridingtwenty miles to go and see it.

My uncleToby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went on; but it was not ablush ofguiltof modestyor of angerit was a blush of joy; he wasfired withCorporal Trim's project and description. Trim! said my uncleTobythouhast said enough. We might begin the campaigncontinued Trimon thevery day that his Majesty and the Allies take the fieldanddemolishthem town by town as fast asTrimquoth my uncle Tobysay nomore.  Your Honourcontinued Trimmight sit in your arm-chair [pointingto it]this fine weathergiving me your ordersand I wouldSay no moreTrimquoth my uncle TobyBesidesyour Honour would get not only pleasureand goodpastimebut good airand good exerciseand good healthandyourHonour's wound would be well in a month.   Thou hast said enoughTrimquothmy uncle Toby [putting his hand into his breeches-pocket] Ilike thyproject mightily. And if your Honour pleasesI'll this moment goand buy apioneer's spade to take down with usand I'll bespeak a shoveland apick-axeand a couple ofSay no moreTrimquoth my uncle Tobyleaping upupon one legquite overcome with raptureand thrusting aguineainto Trim's handTrimsaid my uncle Tobysay no more; but godownTrimthis momentmy ladand bring up my supper this instant.

Trim randown and brought up his master's supperto no purpose: Trim'splan ofoperation ran so in my uncle Toby's headhe could not taste it.Trimquoth my uncle Tobyget me to bed. 'Twas all one. Corporal Trim'sdescriptionhad fired his imaginationmy uncle Toby could not shut hiseyes. Themore he considered itthe more bewitching the scene appeared tohim; sothattwo full hours before day-lighthe had come to a finaldeterminationand had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal Trim'sdecampment.

My uncleToby had a little neat country-house of his ownin the villagewhere myfather's estate lay at Shandywhich had been left him by an oldunclewith a small estate of about one hundred pounds a-year.   Behindthishouseandcontiguous to itwas a kitchen-garden of about half an acreand at thebottom of the gardenand cut off from it by a tall yew hedgewas abowling-greencontaining just about as much ground as Corporal Trimwishedfor; so that as Trim uttered the words'A rood and a half ofground todo what they would with'this identical bowling-green instantlypresenteditselfand became curiously painted all at onceupon the retinaof myuncle Toby's fancy; which was the physical cause of making himchangecolouror at least of heightening his blushto that immoderatedegree Ispoke of.

Never didlover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat andexpectationthan my uncle Toby didto enjoy this self-same thing inprivate; Isay in private; for it was sheltered from the houseas I toldyouby atall yew hedgeand was covered on the other three sidesfrommortalsightby rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs: so that theidea ofnot being seendid not a little contribute to the idea of pleasurepre-conceivedin my uncle Toby's mind. Vain thought! however thick it wasplantedaboutor private soever it might seemto thinkdear uncleTobyofenjoying a thing which took up a whole rood and a half of ground--and nothave it known!

How myuncle Toby and Corporal Trim managed this matterwith the historyof theircampaignswhich were no way barren of eventsmay make nouninterestingunder-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama. Atpresentthe scene must dropand change for the parlour fire-side.

 ChapterVI.

What canthey be doing? brothersaid my father. I thinkreplied myuncleTobytakingas I told youhis pipe from his mouthand strikingthe ashesout of it as he began his sentence; I thinkreplied heitwould notbe amissbrotherif we rung the bell.

Praywhat's all that racket over our headsObadiah? quoth my father; mybrotherand I can scarce hear ourselves speak.

Siranswered Obadiahmaking a bow towards his left shouldermy Mistressis takenvery badly. And where's Susannah running down the garden thereas if theywere going to ravish her? Sirshe is running the shortest cutinto thetownreplied Obadiahto fetch the old midwife. Then saddle ahorsequoth my fatherand do you go directly for Dr. Slopthe man-midwifewith all our servicesand let him know your mistress is fallenintolabourand that I desire he will return with you with all speed.

It is verystrangesays my fatheraddressing himself to my uncle TobyasObadiahshut the dooras there is so expert an operator as Dr. Slop sonearthatmy wife should persist to the very last in this obstinatehumour ofhersin trusting the life of my childwho has had onemisfortunealreadyto the ignorance of an old woman; and not only thelife of mychildbrotherbut her own lifeand with it the lives of allthechildren I mightperadventurehave begot out of her hereafter.

Mayhapbrotherreplied my uncle Tobymy sister does it to save theexpence: Apudding's endreplied my fatherthe Doctor must be paid thesame forinaction as actionif not betterto keep him in temper.

Then itcan be out of nothing in the whole worldquoth my uncle Tobyinthesimplicity of his heartbut Modesty. My sisterI dare sayaddedhedoesnot care to let a man come so near her. . . .   I will not saywhether myuncle Toby had completed the sentence or not; 'tis for hisadvantageto suppose he hadasI thinkhe could have added no One Wordwhichwould have improved it.

Ifon thecontrarymy uncle Toby had not fully arrived at the period'sendthenthe world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of my father'stobacco-pipefor one of the neatest examples of that ornamental figure inoratorywhich Rhetoricians stile the Aposiopesis. Just Heaven! how doesthe Pocopiu and the Poco meno of the Italian artists; the insensible moreor lessdetermine the precise line of beauty in the sentenceas well asin thestatue!   How do the slight touches of the chiselthe pencilthepenthefiddle-sticket caeteragive the true swellwhich gives thetruepleasure! O my countrymen: be nice; be cautious of your language;and neverO! never let it be forgotten upon what small particles youreloquenceand your fame depend.

'Mysistermayhap' quoth my uncle Toby'does not choose to let a mancome sonear her. . . . '  Make this dash'tis an AposiopesisTake thedash awayand write Backside'tis Bawdy. Scratch Backside outand putCover'dway in'tis a Metaphor; andI dare sayas fortification ran somuch in myuncle Toby's headthat if he had been left to have added oneword tothe sentencethat word was it.

Butwhether that was the case or not the case; or whether the snapping ofmyfather's tobacco-pipeso criticallyhappened through accident orangerwill be seen in due time.

 ChapterVII.

Tho' myfather was a good natural philosopheryet he was something of amoralphilosopher too; for which reasonwhen his tobacco-pipe snapp'dshort inthe middlehe had nothing to doas suchbut to have taken holdof the twopiecesand thrown them gently upon the back of the fire. Hedid nosuch thing; he threw them with all the violence in the world; andto givethe action still more emphasishe started upon both his legs todo it.

Thislooked something like heat; and the manner of his reply to what myuncle Tobywas sayingproved it was so.

'Notchoose' quoth my father[repeating my uncle Toby's words] 'to leta man comeso near her! 'By Heavenbrother Toby! you would try thepatienceof Job; and I think I have the plagues of one already withoutit. Why? Where? Wherein? Wherefore? Uponwhat account? replied myuncleToby: in the utmost astonishment. To thinksaid my fatherof a manliving toyour agebrotherand knowing so little about women! I knownothing atall about themreplied my uncle Toby:   And I thinkcontinuedhethatthe shock I received the year after the demolition of Dunkirkinmy affairwith widow Wadman; which shock you know I should not havereceivedbut from my total ignorance of the sexhas given me just causeto sayThat I neither know nor do pretend to know any thing about 'em ortheirconcerns either. Methinksbrotherreplied my fatheryou mightatleastknow so much as the right end of a woman from the wrong.

It is saidin Aristotle's Master Piece'That when a man doth think of anythingwhich is pasthe looketh down upon the ground; but that when hethinkethof something that is to comehe looketh up towards the heavens. '

My uncleTobyI supposethought of neitherfor he look'd horizontally.Right end!quoth my uncle Tobymuttering the two words low to himselfandfixing histwo eyes insensibly as he muttered themupon a small creviceformed bya bad joint in the chimney-pieceRight end of a woman! Ideclarequoth my uncleI know no more which it is than the man in themoon; andif I was to thinkcontinued my uncle Toby [keeping his eyesstillfixed upon the bad joint] this month togetherI am sure I should notbe able tofind it out.

Thenbrother Tobyreplied my fatherI will tell you.

Everything in this worldcontinued my father [filling a fresh pipe]everything in this worldmy dear brother Tobyhas two handles. Notalwaysquoth my uncle Toby. At leastreplied my fatherevery one hastwohandswhich comes to the same thing. Nowif a man was to sit downcoollyand consider within himself the makethe shapethe constructioncome-at-abilityand convenience of all the parts which constitute thewhole ofthat animalcalled Womanand compare them analogicallyI neverunderstoodrightly the meaning of that wordquoth my uncle Toby.

Analogyreplied my fatheris the certain relation and agreement whichdifferentHerea devil of a rap at the door snapped my father's definition[like histobacco-pipe] in twoandat the same timecrushed the head ofas notableand curious a dissertation as ever was engendered in the womb ofspeculation; itwas some months before my father could get an opportunityto besafely delivered of it: Andat this hourit is a thing full asproblematicalas the subject of the dissertation itself[considering theconfusionand distresses of our domestick misadventureswhich are nowcomingthick one upon the back of another] whether I shall be able to finda placefor it in the third volume or not.

 ChapterVIII.

It isabout an hour and a half's tolerable good reading since my uncle Tobyrung thebellwhen Obadiah was ordered to saddle a horseand go for Dr.Sloptheman-midwife; so that no one can saywith reasonthat I havenotallowed Obadiah time enoughpoetically speakingand considering theemergencytooboth to go and come; thoughmorally and truly speakingthe manperhaps has scarce had time to get on his boots.

If thehypercritick will go upon this; and is resolved after all to take apendulumand measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of the belland therap at the door; andafter finding it to be no more than twominutesthirteen secondsand three-fifthsshould take upon him toinsultover me for such a breach in the unityor rather probability oftime; Iwould remind himthat the idea of durationand of its simplemodesisgot merely from the train and succession of our ideasand is thetruescholastic pendulumand by whichas a scholarI will be tried inthismatterabjuring and detesting the jurisdiction of all otherpendulumswhatever.

I wouldtherefore desire him to consider that it is but poor eight milesfromShandy-Hall to Dr. Slopthe man-midwife's house: and that whilstObadiahhas been going those said miles and backI have brought my uncleToby fromNamurquite across all Flandersinto England: That I have hadhim illupon my hands near four years; and have since travelled him andCorporalTrim in a chariot-and-foura journey of near two hundred milesdown intoYorkshire. all which put togethermust have prepared thereader'simagination for the entrance of Dr. Slop upon the stageas muchat least[I hope] as a dancea songor a concerto between the acts.

If myhypercritick is intractablealledgingthat two minutes and thirteensecondsare no more than two minutes and thirteen secondswhen I havesaid all Ican about them; and that this pleathough it might save medramaticallywill damn me biographicallyrendering my book from this verymomentaprofessed Romancewhichbeforewas a book apocryphal: If I amthuspressedI then put an end to the whole objection and controversyabout itall at onceby acquainting himthat Obadiah had not got abovethreescoreyards from the stable-yardbefore he met with Dr. Slop; andindeed hegave a dirty proof that he had met with himand was within anace ofgiving a tragical one too.

Imagine toyourself; but this had better begin a new chapter.

 ChapterIX.

Imagine toyourself a little squatuncourtly figure of a Doctor Slopofabout fourfeet and a half perpendicular heightwith a breadth of backand asesquipedality of bellywhich might have done honour to a serjeantin thehorse-guards.

Such werethe out-lines of Dr. Slop's figurewhichif you have readHogarth'sanalysis of beautyand if you have notI wish you would; youmust knowmay as certainly be caricaturedand conveyed to the mind bythreestrokes as three hundred.

Imaginesuch a onefor suchI saywere the outlines of Dr. Slop'sfigurecoming slowly alongfoot by footwaddling thro' the dirt upon thevertebraeof a little diminutive ponyof a pretty colourbut ofstrengthalack! scarceable to have made an amble of itunder such afardelhad the roads been in an ambling condition. They were not.Imagine toyourselfObadiah mounted upon a strong monster of a coach-horsepricked into a full gallopand making all practicable speed theadverseway.

PraySirlet me interest you a moment in this description.

Had Dr.Slop beheld Obadiah a mile offposting in a narrow lane directlytowardshimat that monstrous ratesplashing and plunging like a devilthro'thick and thinas he approachedwould not such a phaenomenonwithsuch avortex of mud and water moving along with itround its axishavebeen asubject of juster apprehension to Dr. Slop in his situationthanthe worstof Whiston's comets? To say nothing of the Nucleus; that isofObadiahand the coach-horse. In my ideathe vortex alone of 'em wasenough tohave involved and carriedif not the doctorat least thedoctor'sponyquite away with it.   What then do you think must theterrorandhydrophobia of Dr. Slop have beenwhen you read [which you are justgoing todo] that he was advancing thus warily along towards Shandy-Halland hadapproached to within sixty yards of itand within five yards of asuddenturnmade by an acute angle of the garden-walland in thedirtiestpart of a dirty lanewhen Obadiah and his coach-horse turned thecornerrapidfuriouspopfull upon him! NothingI thinkin naturecan besupposed more terrible than such a rencounterso imprompt! so illpreparedto stand the shock of it as Dr. Slop was.

What couldDr. Slop do? he crossed himself + Pugh! but the doctorSirwas aPapist. No matter; he had better have kept hold of the pummel. Hehadso; nayas it happenedhe had better have done nothing at all; forincrossing himself he let go his whipand in attempting to save hiswhipbetwixthis knee and his saddle's skirtas it slippedhe lost hisstirrupinlosing which he lost his seat; and in the multitude of alltheselosses [whichby the byeshews what little advantage there is incrossing]the unfortunate doctor lost his presence of mind.   So thatwithoutwaiting for Obadiah's onsethe left his pony to its destinytumblingoff it diagonallysomething in the stile and manner of a pack ofwoolandwithout any other consequence from the fallsave that of beingleft [asit would have been] with the broadest part of him sunk abouttwelveinches deep in the mire.

Obadiahpull'd off his cap twice to Dr. Slop; once as he was fallingandthen againwhen he saw him seated. Ill-timed complaisance; had not thefellowbetter have stopped his horseand got off and help'd him? Sirhedid allthat his situation would allow; but the Momentum of the coach-horse wasso greatthat Obadiah could not do it all at once; he rode in acirclethree times round Dr. Slopbefore he could fully accomplish it anyhow; and atthe lastwhen he did stop his beast'twas done with such anexplosionof mudthat Obadiah had better have been a league off.   Inshortnever was a Dr. Slop so belutedand so transubstantiatedsincethataffair came into fashion.

 ChapterX.

When Dr.Slop entered the back parlourwhere my father and my uncle Tobywerediscoursing upon the nature of womenit was hard to determinewhetherDr. Slop's figureor Dr. Slop's presenceoccasioned more surprizeto them;for as the accident happened so near the houseas not to make itworthwhile for Obadiah to remount himObadiah had led him in as he wasunwipedunappointedunannealedwith all his stains and blotches on him. --He stoodlike Hamlet's ghostmotionless and speechlessfor a full minuteand a halfat the parlour-door [Obadiah still holding his hand] with allthemajesty of mud.   His hinder partsupon which he had receivedhis falltotallybesmearedand in every other part of himblotched over in such amannerwith Obadiah's explosionthat you would have sworn [without mentalreservation]that every grain of it had taken effect.

Here was afair opportunity for my uncle Toby to have triumphed over myfather inhis turn; for no mortalwho had beheld Dr. Slop in that picklecould havedissented from so muchat leastof my uncle Toby's opinion'Thatmayhap his sister might not care to let such a Dr. Slop come so nearher. .. . '  But it was the Argumentum ad hominem; and if my uncle Tobywasnot veryexpert at ityou may thinkhe might not care to use it. No; thereasonwas'twas not his nature to insult.

Dr. Slop'spresence at that timewas no less problematical than the modeof it;tho' it is certainone moment's reflexion in my father might havesolved it;for he had apprized Dr. Slop but the week beforethat my motherwas at herfull reckoning; and as the doctor had heard nothing since'twasnaturaland very political too in himto have taken a ride to Shandy-Hallas he didmerely to see how matters went on.

But myfather's mind took unfortunately a wrong turn in the investigation;runninglike the hypercritick'saltogether upon the ringing of the belland therap upon the doormeasuring their distanceand keeping his mindso intentupon the operationas to have power to think of nothing elsecommon-placeinfirmity of the greatest mathematicians! working with mightand mainat the demonstrationand so wasting all their strength upon itthat theyhave none left in them to draw the corollaryto do good with.

Theringing of the belland the rap upon the doorstruck likewisestrongupon thesensorium of my uncle Tobybut it excited a very different trainofthoughts; the two irreconcileable pulsations instantly broughtStevinusthe great engineeralong with theminto my uncle Toby's mind.

Whatbusiness Stevinus had in this affairis the greatest problem ofall: Itshall be solvedbut not in the next chapter.

 ChapterXI.

Writingwhen properly managed [as you may be sure I think mine is] is butadifferent name for conversation.   As no onewho knows what heis aboutin goodcompanywould venture to talk all; so no authorwho understandsthe justboundaries of decorum and good-breedingwould presume to thinkall:  The truest respect which you can pay to the reader's understandingis tohalve this matter amicablyand leave him something to imagineinhis turnas well as yourself.

For my ownpartI am eternally paying him compliments of this kindand doall thatlies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own.

'Tis histurn now; I have given an ample description of Dr. Slop's sadoverthrowand of his sad appearance in the back-parlour; his imaginationmust nowgo on with it for a while.

Let thereader imagine thenthat Dr. Slop has told his taleand in whatwordsandwith what aggravationshis fancy chooses; Let him supposethatObadiah has told his tale alsoand with such rueful looks ofaffectedconcernas he thinks best will contrast the two figures as they stand byeachother. Let him imaginethat my father has stepped up stairs to seemymother. Andto conclude this work of imaginationlet him imagine thedoctorwashedrubbed downand condoledfelicitatedgot into a pairofObadiah's pumpsstepping forwards towards the doorupon the verypointofentering upon action.

Truce! trucegood Dr. Slop! stay thy obstetrick hand; return it safeinto thybosom to keep it warm; little dost thou know what obstacleslittledost thou think what hidden causesretard its operation! HastthouDr.Slophast thou been entrusted with the secret articles of thesolemntreaty which has brought thee into this place? Art thou aware thatat thisinstanta daughter of Lucina is put obstetrically over thy head?

Alas! 'tistoo true. Besidesgreat son of Pilumnus! what canst thou do? --Thou hastcome forth unarm'd; thou hast left thy tire-tetethy new-inventedforcepsthy crotchetthy squirtand all thy instruments ofsalvationand deliverancebehind theeBy Heaven! at this moment they arehanging upin a green bays bagbetwixt thy two pistolsat the bed'shead! Ring; call; sendObadiah back upon the coach-horse to bring themwith allspeed.  

Make greathasteObadiahquoth my fatherand I'll give thee a crown!and quothmy uncle TobyI'll give you another.

 ChapterXII.

Yoursudden and unexpected arrivalquoth my uncle Tobyaddressinghimselfto Dr.Slop[all three of them sitting down to the fire togetheras myuncle Tobybegan to speak] instantly brought the great Stevinus into myheadwhoyou must knowis a favourite author with me. Thenadded myfathermaking use of the argument Ad CrumenamI will lay twenty guineasto asingle crown-piece [which will serve to give away to Obadiah when hegets back]that this same Stevinus was some engineer or otheror has wrotesomethingor othereither directly or indirectlyupon the science offortification.

He hassoreplied my uncle Toby. I knew itsaid my fatherthoughforthe soulof meI cannot see what kind of connection there can be betwixtDr. Slop'ssudden comingand a discourse upon fortification; yet I fear'dit. Talk ofwhat we willbrotheror let the occasion be never soforeign orunfit for the subjectyou are sure to bring it in.   I wouldnotbrother Tobycontinued my fatherI declare I would not have my headso full ofcurtins and horn-works. That I dare say you would notquothDr. Slopinterrupting himand laughing most immoderately at his pun.

Dennis thecritic could not detest and abhor a punor the insinuation of apunmorecordially than my father; he would grow testy upon it at anytime; butto be broke in upon by onein a serious discoursewas as badhe wouldsayas a fillip upon the nose; he saw no difference.

Sirquothmy uncle Tobyaddressing himself to Dr. Slopthe curtins mybrotherShandy mentions herehave nothing to do with beadsteads; tho'Iknow DuCange says'That bed-curtainsin all probabilityhave takentheir namefrom them; 'nor have the horn-works he speaks ofany thing inthe worldto do with the horn-works of cuckoldom:   But the CurtinSiristhe wordwe use in fortificationfor that part of the wall or rampartwhich liesbetween the two bastions and joins themBesiegers seldom offerto carryon their attacks directly against the curtinfor this reasonbecausethey are so well flanked.   ['Tis the case of other curtainsquothDr. Sloplaughing. ]   Howevercontinued my uncle Tobyto make them surewegenerally choose to place ravelins before themtaking care only toextendthem beyond the fosse or ditch: The common menwho know verylittle offortificationconfound the ravelin and the half-moon togethertho' theyare very different things; not in their figure or constructionfor wemake them exactly alikein all points; for they always consist oftwo facesmaking a salient anglewith the gorgesnot straightbut inform of acrescent; Where then lies the difference? [quoth my fatheralittletestily. ] In their situationsanswered my uncle Toby: For when aravelinbrotherstands before the curtinit is a ravelin; and when aravelinstands before a bastionthen the ravelin is not a ravelin; it isahalf-moon; a half-moon likewise is a half-moonand no moreso longasit standsbefore its bastion; but was it to change placeand get beforethecurtin'twould be no longer a half-moon; a half-moonin that caseis not ahalf-moon; 'tis no more than a ravelin. I thinkquoth myfatherthat the noble science of defence has its weak sidesas well asothers.

As for thehorn-work [high! ho! sigh'd my father] whichcontinued my uncleTobymybrother was speaking ofthey are a very considerable part of anoutwork; theyare called by the French engineersOuvrage a corneand wegenerallymake them to cover such places as we suspect to be weaker thantherest; 'tis formed by two epaulments or demi-bastionsthey are veryprettyandif you will take a walkI'll engage to shew you one wellworth yourtrouble. I owncontinued my uncle Tobywhen we crown themthey aremuch strongerbut then they are very expensiveand take up agreat dealof groundso thatin my opinionthey are most of use to coveror defendthe head of a camp; otherwise the double tenailleBy the motherwho boreus! brother Tobyquoth my fathernot able to hold out anylongeryouwould provoke a saint; here have you got usI know not hownot onlysouse into the middle of the old subject again: But so full isyour headof these confounded worksthat though my wife is this moment inthe painsof labourand you hear her cry outyet nothing will serve youbut tocarry off the man-midwife. Accoucheurif you pleasequoth Dr.Slop. Withall my heartreplied my fatherI don't care what they callyoubut Iwish the whole science of fortificationwith all itsinventorsat the devil; it has been the death of thousandsand it willbe mine inthe end. I would notI would notbrother Tobyhave my brainsso full ofsapsminesblindsgabionspallisadoesravelinshalf-moonsand suchtrumperyto be proprietor of Namurand of all the towns inFlanderswith it.

My uncleToby was a man patient of injuries; not from want of courageIhave toldyou in a former chapter'that he was a man of courage: 'Andwill addherethat where just occasions presentedor called it forthIknow noman under whose arm I would have sooner taken shelter; nor didthis arisefrom any insensibility or obtuseness of his intellectual parts; --for hefelt this insult of my father's as feelingly as a man could do;but he wasof a peacefulplacid natureno jarring element in itallwas mixedup so kindly within him; my uncle Toby had scarce a heart toretaliateupon a fly.

Gosays heone day at dinnerto an over-grown one which had buzzedabout hisnoseand tormented him cruelly all dinner-timeand which afterinfiniteattemptshe had caught at lastas it flew by him; I'll not hurttheesaysmy uncle Tobyrising from his chairand going across the roomwith thefly in his handI'll not hurt a hair of thy head: Gosays helifting upthe sashand opening his hand as he spoketo let it escape;gopoordevilget thee gonewhy should I hurt thee? This world surelyis wideenough to hold both thee and me.

I was butten years old when this happened:   but whether it wasthat theactionitself was more in unison to my nerves at that age of pitywhichinstantlyset my whole frame into one vibration of most pleasurablesensation; orhow far the manner and expression of it might go towardsit; or inwhat degreeor by what secret magicka tone of voice andharmony ofmovementattuned by mercymight find a passage to my heartIknownot; this I knowthat the lesson of universal good-will then taughtandimprinted by my uncle Tobyhas never since been worn out of my mind:

And tho' Iwould not depreciate what the study of the Literae humanioresat theuniversityhave done for me in that respector discredit the otherhelps ofan expensive education bestowed upon meboth at home and abroadsince; yetI often think that I owe one half of my philanthropy to thatoneaccidental impression.

This is toserve for parents and governors instead of a whole volume uponthesubject.

I couldnot give the reader this stroke in my uncle Toby's pictureby theinstrumentwith which I drew the other parts of itthat taking in no morethan themere Hobby-Horsical likeness: this is a part of his moralcharacter.  My fatherin this patient endurance of wrongswhich Imentionwas very differentas the reader must long ago have noted; he hada muchmore acute and quick sensibility of natureattended with a littlesorenessof temper; tho' this never transported him to any thing whichlookedlike malignancy: yet in the little rubs and vexations of life'twas aptto shew itself in a drollish and witty kind of peevishness: Hewashoweverfrank and generous in his nature; at all times open toconviction;and in the little ebullitions of this subacid humour towardsothersbut particularly towards my uncle Tobywhom he truly loved: hewould feelmore painten times told [except in the affair of my auntDinahorwhere an hypothesis was concerned] than what he ever gave.

Thecharacters of the two brothersin this view of themreflected lightupon eachotherand appeared with great advantage in this affair whicharoseabout Stevinus.

I need nottell the readerif he keeps a Hobby-Horsethat a man's Hobby-Horse isas tender a part as he has about him; and that these unprovokedstrokes atmy uncle Toby's could not be unfelt by him. No: as I saidabovemyuncle Toby did feel themand very sensibly too.

PraySirwhat said he? How did he behave? OSir! it was great:   Foras soon asmy father had done insulting his Hobby-Horsehe turned hisheadwithout the least emotionfrom Dr. Slopto whom he was addressinghisdiscourseand looking up into my father's facewith a countenancespreadover with so much good-nature; so placid; so fraternal; soinexpressiblytender towards him: it penetrated my father to his heart:

He rose uphastily from his chairand seizing hold of both my uncle Toby'shands ashe spoke: Brother Tobysaid he: I beg thy pardon; forgiveIpray theethis rash humour which my mother gave me. My deardearbrotheranswered my uncle Tobyrising up by my father's helpsay no moreaboutit; you are heartily welcomehad it been ten times as muchbrother.  But 'tis ungenerousreplied my fatherto hurt any man; abrotherworse; but to hurt a brother of such gentle mannerssounprovokingandso unresenting; 'tis base: By Heaven'tis cowardly.You areheartily welcomebrotherquoth my uncle Tobyhad it been fiftytimes asmuch. Besideswhat have I to domy dear Tobycried my fathereitherwith your amusements or your pleasuresunless it was in my power[which itis not] to increase their measure?

BrotherShandyanswered my uncle Tobylooking wistfully in his faceyou aremuch mistaken in this point: for you do increase my pleasure verymuchinbegetting children for the Shandy family at your time of life.ButbythatSirquoth Dr. SlopMr. Shandy increases his own. Not ajotquothmy father.

 ChapterXIII.

My brotherdoes itquoth my uncle Tobyout of principle. In a familywayIsupposequoth Dr. Slop. Pshaw! said my father'tis not worthtalkingof.

 ChapterXIV.

At the endof the last chaptermy father and my uncle Toby were left bothstandinglike Brutus and Cassiusat the close of the scenemaking uptheiraccounts.

As myfather spoke the three last wordshe sat down; my uncle Tobyexactlyfollowed his exampleonlythat before he took his chairhe rungthe bellto order Corporal Trimwho was in waitingto step home forStevinus: myuncle Toby's house being no farther off than the oppositeside ofthe way.

Some menwould have dropped the subject of Stevinus; but my uncle Toby hadnoresentment in his heartand he went on with the subjectto shew myfatherthat he had none.

Yoursudden appearanceDr. Slopquoth my uncleresuming the discourseinstantlybrought Stevinus into my head.   [My fatheryou may be suredidnot offerto lay any more wagers upon Stevinus's head. ] Becausecontinuedmy uncleTobythe celebrated sailing chariotwhich belonged to PrinceMauriceand was of such wonderful contrivance and velocityas to carryhalf adozen people thirty German milesin I don't know how few minuteswasinvented by Stevinusthat great mathematician and engineer.

You mighthave spared your servant the troublequoth Dr. Slop [as thefellow islame] of going for Stevinus's account of itbecause in my returnfromLeyden thro' the HagueI walked as far as Schevlingwhich is twolongmileson purpose to take a view of it.

That'snothingreplied my uncle Tobyto what the learned Peireskius didwho walkeda matter of five hundred milesreckoning from Paris toSchevlingand from Schevling to Paris back againin order to see itandnothingelse.

Some mencannot bear to be out-gone.

The morefool Peireskiusreplied Dr. Slop.   But mark'twas out of nocontemptof Peireskius at all; but that Peireskius's indefatigable labourintrudging so far on footout of love for the sciencesreduced theexploit ofDr. Slopin that affairto nothing: the more fool Peireskiussaid heagain. Why so? replied my fathertaking his brother's partnotonly tomake reparation as fast as he could for the insult he had givenhimwhichsat still upon my father's mind; but partlythat my fatherbeganreally to interest himself in the discourse. Why so? said he.   WhyisPeireskiusor any man elseto be abused for an appetite for thatorany othermorsel of sound knowledge:   For notwithstanding I know nothingofthechariot in questioncontinued hethe inventor of it must have had averymechanical head; and tho' I cannot guess upon what principles ofphilosophyhe has atchieved it; yet certainly his machine has beenconstructedupon solid onesbe they what they willor it could not haveansweredat the rate my brother mentions.

Itansweredreplied my uncle Tobyas wellif not better; forasPeireskiuselegantly expresses itspeaking of the velocity of its motionTam cituseratquam erat ventus; whichunless I have forgot my Latinisthat itwas as swift as the wind itself.

But prayDr. Slopquoth my fatherinterrupting my uncle [tho' notwithoutbegging pardon for it at the same time] upon what principles wasthisself-same chariot set a-going? Upon very pretty principles to besurereplied Dr. Slop: And I have often wonderedcontinued heevadingthequestionwhy none of our gentrywho live upon large plains likethisofours[especially they whose wives are not past child-bearing] attemptnothing ofthis kind; for it would not only be infinitely expeditious uponsuddencallsto which the sex is subjectif the wind only servedbutwould beexcellent good husbandry to make use of the windswhich costnothingand which eat nothingrather than horseswhich [the devil take'em] bothcost and eat a great deal.

For thatvery reasonreplied my father'Because they cost nothingandbecausethey eat nothing'the scheme is bad; it is the consumption ofourproductsas well as the manufactures of themwhich gives bread tothehungrycirculates tradebrings in moneyand supports the value of ourlands; andtho'I ownif I was a PrinceI would generously recompensethescientifick head which brought forth such contrivances; yet I would asperemptorilysuppress the use of them.

My fatherhere had got into his elementand was going on as prosperouslywith hisdissertation upon tradeas my uncle Toby had beforeupon his offortification; butto the loss of much sound knowledgethe destinies inthemorning had decreed that no dissertation of any kind should be spunbymy fatherthat dayfor as he opened his mouth to begin the next sentence

 ChapterXV.

In poppedCorporal Trim with Stevinus: But 'twas too lateall thediscoursehad been exhausted without himand was running into a newchannel.

You maytake the book home againTrimsaid my uncle Tobynodding tohim.

ButpritheeCorporalquoth my fatherdrollinglook first into itandsee ifthou canst spy aught of a sailing chariot in it.

CorporalTrimby being in the servicehad learned to obeyand not toremonstratesotaking the book to a side-tableand running over theleaves;An' please your Honoursaid TrimI can see no such thing;howevercontinued the Corporaldrolling a little in his turnI'll makesure workof itan' please your Honour; so taking hold of the two coversof thebookone in each handand letting the leaves fall down as he bentthe coversbackhe gave the book a good sound shake.

There issomething falling outhoweversaid Triman' please yourHonour; butit is not a chariotor any thing like one: PritheeCorporalsaid my fathersmilingwhat is it then? I thinkansweredTrimstooping to take it up'tis more like a sermonfor it begins witha text ofscriptureand the chapter and verse; and then goes onnot as achariotbut like a sermon directly.

Thecompany smiled.

I cannotconceive how it is possiblequoth my uncle Tobyfor such a thingas asermon to have got into my Stevinus.

I think'tis a sermonreplied Trim: but if it please your Honoursas itis a fairhandI will read you a page; for Trimyou must knowloved tohearhimself read almost as well as talk.

I haveever a strong propensitysaid my fatherto look into things whichcross mywayby such strange fatalities as these; and as we have nothingbetter todoat least till Obadiah gets backI shall be obliged to youbrotherif Dr. Slop has no objection to itto order the Corporal to giveus a pageor two of itif he is as able to do itas he seems willing.

An' pleaseyour honourquoth TrimI officiated two whole campaignsinFlandersas clerk to the chaplain of the regiment. He can read itquothmy uncleTobyas well as I can. TrimI assure youwas the best scholarin mycompanyand should have had the next halberdbut for the poorfellow'smisfortune.   Corporal Trim laid his hand upon his heartandmadean humblebow to his master; then laying down his hat upon the floorandtaking upthe sermon in his left handin order to have his right atlibertyheadvancednothing doubtinginto the middle of the roomwherehe couldbest seeand be best seen by his audience.

 ChapterXVI.

If youhave any objectionsaid my fatheraddressing himself to Dr.Slop.  Not in the leastreplied Dr. Slop; for it does not appear on whichside ofthe question it is wroteit may be a composition of a divine ofourchurchas well as yoursso that we run equal risques. 'Tis wroteuponneither sidequoth Trimfor 'tis only upon Consciencean' pleaseyourHonours.

Trim'sreason put his audience into good humourall but Dr. Slopwhoturninghis head about towards Trimlooked a little angry.

BeginTrimand read distinctlyquoth my father. I willan' pleaseyourHonourreplied the Corporalmaking a bowand bespeaking attentionwith aslight movement of his right hand.

 ChapterXVII.

But beforethe Corporal beginsI must first give you a description ofhisattitude; otherwise he will naturally stand representedby yourimaginationin an uneasy posturestiffperpendiculardividing theweight ofhis body equally upon both legs; his eye fixedas if on duty;his lookdeterminedclenching the sermon in his left handlike hisfirelock. Ina wordyou would be apt to paint Trimas if he was standingin hisplatoon ready for actionHis attitude was as unlike all this asyou canconceive.

He stoodbefore them with his body swayedand bent forwards just so faras to makean angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of thehorizon; whichsound oratorsto whom I address thisknow very well to bethe truepersuasive angle of incidence; in any other angle you may talkandpreach; 'tis certain; and it is done every day; but with whateffectIleave the world to judge!

Thenecessity of this precise angle of 85 degrees and a half to amathematicalexactnessdoes it not shew usby the wayhow the arts andsciencesmutually befriend each other?

How theduce Corporal Trimwho knew not so much as an acute angle from anobtuseonecame to hit it so exactly; or whether it was chance or natureor goodsense or imitation& c. shall be commented upon in that part ofthecyclopaediaof arts and scienceswhere the instrumental parts of theeloquenceof the senatethe pulpitand the barthe coffee-housethebed-chamberand fire-sidefall under consideration.

Hestoodfor I repeat itto take the picture of him in at one viewwithhis bodyswayedand somewhat bent forwardshis right leg from under himsustainingseven-eighths of his whole weightthe foot of his left legthe defectof which was no disadvantage to his attitudeadvanced alittlenotlaterallynor forwardsbut in a line betwixt them; his kneebentbutthat not violentlybut so as to fall within the limits of theline ofbeauty; and I addof the line of science too; for considerithad oneeighth part of his body to bear up; so that in this case thepositionof the leg is determinedbecause the foot could be no fartheradvancedor the knee more bentthan what would allow himmechanically toreceive aneighth part of his whole weight under itand to carry it too.

> This Irecommend to painters; need I addto orators! I think not; forunlessthey practise itthey must fall upon their noses.

So muchfor Corporal Trim's body and legs. He held the sermon looselynotcarelesslyin his left handraised something above his stomachanddetached alittle from his breast; his right arm falling negligently byhis sideas nature and the laws of gravity ordered itbut with the palmof it openand turned towards his audienceready to aid the sentiment incase itstood in need.

CorporalTrim's eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony withthe otherparts of him; he looked frankunconstrainedsomethingassuredbutnot bordering upon assurance.

Let notthe critic ask how Corporal Trim could come by all this. I've toldhim itshould be explained; but so he stood before my fathermy uncleTobyandDr. Slopso swayed his bodyso contrasted his limbsand withsuch anoratorical sweep throughout the whole figurea statuary mighthavemodelled from it; nayI doubt whether the oldest Fellow of aCollegeorthe Hebrew Professor himselfcould have much mended it.

Trim madea bowand read as follows:

TheSermon.

Hebrewsxiii. 18.

For wetrust we have a good Conscience.

'Trust! Trustwe have a good conscience! '

[CertainlyTrimquoth my fatherinterrupting himyou give that sentencea veryimproper accent; for you curl up your nosemanand read it withsuch asneering toneas if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle.

He isan'please your Honourreplied Trim.   Pugh! said my fathersmiling.

SirquothDr. SlopTrim is certainly in the right; for the writer [who Iperceiveis a Protestant] by the snappish manner in which he takes up theapostleis certainly going to abuse him; if this treatment of him has notdone italready.   But from whencereplied my fatherhave you concludedsosoonDr.Slopthat the writer is of our church? for aught I can seeyethe maybe of any church. Becauseanswered Dr. Slopif he was ofourshedurst no more take such a licencethan a bear by his beard:Ifin ourcommunionSira man was to insult an apostlea saintoreven theparing of a saint's nailhe would have his eyes scratched out.Whatbythe saint? quoth my uncle Toby.   Noreplied Dr. Slophe wouldhave anold house over his head.   Pray is the Inquisition an ancientbuildinganswered my uncle Tobyor is it a modern one? I know nothing ofarchitecturereplied Dr. Slop. An' please your Honoursquoth TrimtheInquisitionis the vilestPrithee spare thy descriptionTrimI hate thevery nameof itsaid my father. No matter for thatanswered Dr. Slopit has itsuses; for tho' I'm no great advocate for ityetin such a caseas thishe would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell himif hewent on atthat ratewould be flung into the Inquisition for his pains.

God helphim thenquoth my uncle Toby.   Amenadded Trim; for HeavenaboveknowsIhave a poor brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it.I neverheard one word of it beforesaid my uncle Tobyhastily: How camehe thereTrim? OSirthe story will make your heart bleedas it hasmade minea thousand times; but it is too long to be told now; yourHonourshall hear it from first to last some day when I am working besideyou in ourfortifications; but the short of the story is this; That mybrotherTom went over a servant to Lisbonand then married a Jew's widowwho kept asmall shopand sold sausageswhich somehow or otherwas thecause ofhis being taken in the middle of the night out of his bedwherehe waslying with his wife and two small childrenand carried directly totheInquisitionwhereGod help himcontinued Trimfetching a sighfromthe bottomof his heartthe poor honest lad lies confined at this hour;he was ashonest a souladded Trim[pulling out his handkerchief] as everbloodwarmed.

The tearstrickled down Trim's cheeks faster than he could well wipe themaway. Adead silence in the room ensued for some minutes. Certain proofof pity!

Come Trimquoth my fatherafter he saw the poor fellow's grief had got alittleventread onand put this melancholy story out of thy head: Igrievethat I interrupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon again; for ifthe firstsentence in it is matter of abuseas thou sayestI have a greatdesire toknow what kind of provocation the apostle has given.

CorporalTrim wiped his faceand returned his handkerchief into hispocketandmaking a bow as he did ithe began again. ]

TheSermon.

Hebrewsxiii. 18.

For wetrust we have a good Conscience.

'Trust!trust we have a good conscience!   Surely if there is any thinginthis lifewhich a man may depend uponand to the knowledge of which he iscapable ofarriving upon the most indisputable evidenceit must be thisverythingwhether he has a good conscience or no. '

[I ampositive I am rightquoth Dr. Slop. ]

'If a manthinks at allhe cannot well be a stranger to the true state ofthisaccount: he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires; he mustrememberhis past pursuitsand know certainly the true springs andmotiveswhichin generalhave governed the actions of his life. '

[I defyhimwithout an assistantquoth Dr. Slop. ]

'In othermatters we may be deceived by false appearances; andas the wisemancomplainshardly do we guess aright at the things that are upon theearthandwith labour do we find the things that are before us.   But herethe mindhas all the evidence and facts within herself; is conscious ofthe webshe has wove; knows its texture and finenessand the exact sharewhichevery passion has had in working upon the several designs whichvirtue orvice has planned before her. '

[Thelanguage is goodand I declare Trim reads very wellquoth myfather. ]

'Nowasconscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind haswithinherself of this; and the judgmenteither of approbation or censurewhich itunavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our lives; 'tisplain youwill sayfrom the very terms of the propositionwhenever thisinwardtestimony goes against a manand he stands self-accusedthat hemustnecessarily be a guilty man. Andon the contrarywhen the report isfavourableon his sideand his heart condemns him not: that it is not amatter oftrustas the apostle intimatesbut a matter of certainty andfactthatthe conscience is goodand that the man must be good also. '

[Then theapostle is altogether in the wrongI supposequoth Dr. Slopand theProtestant divine is in the right.   Sirhave patiencerepliedmyfatherfor I think it will presently appear that St. Paul and theProtestantdivine are both of an opinion. As nearly soquoth Dr. Slopaseast is towest; but thiscontinued helifting both handscomes fromtheliberty of the press.

It is nomore at the worstreplied my uncle Tobythan the liberty of thepulpit;for it does not appear that the sermon is printedor ever likelyto be.

Go onTrimquoth my father. ]

'At firstsight this may seem to be a true state of the case:   and I makeno doubtbut the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed uponthe mindof manthat did no such thing ever happenas that theconscienceof a manby long habits of sinmight [as the scripture assuresit may]insensibly become hard; andlike some tender parts of his bodyby muchstress and continual hard usagelose by degrees that nice senseandperception with which God and nature endowed it: Did this neverhappen; orwas it certain that self-love could never hang the least biasupon thejudgment; or that the little interests below could rise up andperplexthe faculties of our upper regionsand encompass them about withclouds andthick darkness: Could no such thing as favour and affectionenter thissacred CourtDid Wit disdain to take a bribe in it; or wasashamed toshew its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment:

Orlastlywere we assured that Interest stood always unconcerned whilstthe causewas hearingand that Passion never got into the judgment-seatandpronounced sentence in the stead of Reasonwhich is supposed alwaystopresideand determine upon the case: Was this truly soas the objectionmustsuppose; no doubt then the religious and moral state of a man wouldbe exactlywhat he himself esteemed it: and the guilt or innocence ofeveryman's life could be knownin generalby no better measurethan thedegrees ofhis own approbation and censure.

'I owninone casewhenever a man's conscience does accuse him [as itseldomerrs on that side] that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy andhypocondriaccaseswe may safely pronounce upon itthat there is alwayssufficientgrounds for the accusation.

'But theconverse of the proposition will not hold true; namelythatwheneverthere is guiltthe conscience must accuse; and if it does notthat a manis therefore innocent. This is not factSo that the commonconsolationwhich some good christian or other is hourly administering tohimselfthathe thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and thatconsequentlyhe has a good consciencebecause he hath a quiet oneisfallacious; andas current as the inference isand as infallible as theruleappears at first sightyet when you look nearer to itand try thetruth ofthis rule upon plain factsyou see it liable to so much errorfrom afalse application; the principle upon which it goes so oftenperverted; thewhole force of it lostand sometimes so vilely cast awaythat it ispainful to produce the common examples from human lifewhichconfirmthe account.

'A manshall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles;exceptionablein his conduct to the world; shall live shamelessin theopencommission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justifya sin bywhichcontrary to all the workings of humanityhe shall ruin for ever thedeludedpartner of his guilt; rob her of her best dowry; and not onlycover herown head with dishonour; but involve a whole virtuous family inshame andsorrow for her sake.   Surelyyou will think conscience mustleadsuch a mana troublesome life; he can have no rest night and day from itsreproaches.

'Alas!Conscience had something else to do all this timethan break inupon him;as Elijah reproached the god Baalthis domestic god was eithertalkingor pursuingor was in a journeyor peradventure he slept andcould notbe awoke.

'PerhapsHe was gone out in company with Honour to fight a duel: to pay offsome debtat play; or dirty annuitythe bargain of his lust; PerhapsConscienceall this time was engaged at hometalking aloud against pettylarcenyand executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortuneand rankof life secured him against all temptation of committing; so thathe livesas merrily; ' [If he was of our churchtho'quoth Dr. Slophecouldnot] 'sleeps as soundly in his bed; and at last meets deathunconcernedly; perhapsmuch more sothan a much better man. '

[All thisis impossible with usquoth Dr. Slopturning to my fatherthecase couldnot happen in our church. It happens in ourshoweverrepliedmy fatherbut too often. I ownquoth Dr. Slop[struck a little with myfather'sfrank acknowledgment] that a man in the Romish church may live asbadly; butthen he cannot easily die so. 'Tis little matterreplied myfatherwith an air of indifferencehow a rascal dies. I meanansweredDr. Slophe would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments. Pray howmany haveyou in allsaid my uncle Tobyfor I always forget? SevenansweredDr. Slop. Humph! said my uncle Toby; tho' not accented as a noteofacquiescencebut as an interjection of that particular species ofsurprizewhen a man in looking into a drawerfinds more of a thing thanheexpected. Humph! replied my uncle Toby.   Dr. Slopwho had anearunderstoodmy uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume againstthe sevensacraments. Humph! replied Dr. Slop[stating my uncle Toby'sargumentover again to him] WhySirare there not seven cardinalvirtues? Sevenmortal sins? Seven golden candlesticks? Seven heavens?'Tis morethan I knowreplied my uncle Toby. Are there not seven wondersof theworld? Seven days of the creation? Seven planets? Seven plagues? --Thatthere arequoth my father with a most affected gravity.   Butpritheecontinued hego on with the rest of thy charactersTrim. ]

'Anotheris sordidunmerciful' [here Trim waved his right hand] 'astrait-heartedselfish wretchincapable either of private friendship orpublicspirit.   Take notice how he passes by the widow and orphan intheirdistressand sees all the miseries incident to human life without a sighor aprayer. '  [An' please your honourscried TrimI think this avilerman thanthe other. ]

'Shall notconscience rise up and sting him on such occasions? No; thankGod thereis no occasionI pay every man his own; I have no fornicationto answerto my conscience; no faithless vows or promises to make up; Ihavedebauched no man's wife or child; thank GodI am not as other menadulterersunjustor even as this libertinewho stands before me.

'A thirdis crafty and designing in his nature.   View his whole life; 'tisnothingbut a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable subterfugesbasely todefeat the true intent of all lawsplain dealing and the safeenjoymentof our several properties. You will see such a one working out aframe oflittle designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor andneedyman; shall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youthor theunsuspectingtemper of his friendwho would have trusted him with hislife.

'When oldage comes onand repentance calls him to look back upon thisblackaccountand state it over again with his conscienceConsciencelooks intothe Statutes at Large; finds no express law broken by what hehasdone; perceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattelsincurred; seesno scourge waving over his heador prison opening hisgates uponhim: What is there to affright his conscience? Conscience hasgot safelyentrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits thereinvulnerablefortified with Cases and Reports so strongly on all sides;that it isnot preaching can dispossess it of its hold. '

[HereCorporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged looks with each other.AyeAyeTrim! quoth my uncle Tobyshaking his headthese are but sorryfortificationsTrim. O! very poor workanswered Trimto what yourHonour andI make of it. The character of this last mansaid Dr. SlopinterruptingTrimis more detestable than all the rest; and seems to havebeen takenfrom some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you: Amongst usa man'sconsciencecould not possibly continue so long blindedthree times in ayearatleasthe must go to confession.   Will that restore it to sight?quoth myuncle TobyGo onTrimquoth my fatheror Obadiah will havegot backbefore thou has got to the end of thy sermon. 'Tis a very shortonereplied Trim. I wish it was longerquoth my uncle Tobyfor I likeithugely. Trim went on. ]

'A fourthman shall want even this refuge; shall break through all theirceremonyof slow chicane; scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots andcautioustrains to bring about his purpose: See the bare-faced villainhow hecheatsliesperjuresrobsmurders! Horrid! But indeed muchbetter wasnot to be expectedin the present casethe poor man was in thedark! hispriest had got the keeping of his conscience; and all he wouldlet himknow of itwasThat he must believe in the Pope; go to Mass;crosshimself; tell his beads; be a good Catholicand that thisin allconsciencewas enough to carry him to heaven.   What; if he perjures?Why; he hada mental reservation in it. But if he is so wicked andabandoneda wretch as you represent him; if he robsif he stabswillnotconscienceon every such actreceive a wound itself? Ayebut theman hascarried it to confession; the wound digests thereand will dowellenoughand in a short time be quite healed up by absolution.   OPopery!what hast thou to answer for! when not content with the too manynaturaland fatal waysthro' which the heart of man is every day thustreacherousto itself above all things; thou hast wilfully set open thewide gateof deceit before the face of this unwary travellertoo aptGodknowstogo astray of himselfand confidently speak peace to himselfwhen thereis no peace.

'Of thisthe common instances which I have drawn out of lifeare toonotoriousto require much evidence.   If any man doubts the reality ofthemor thinksit impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himselfI mustrefer hima moment to his own reflectionsand will then venture to trustmy appealwith his own heart.

'Let himconsider in how different a degree of detestationnumbers ofwickedactions stand theretho' equally bad and vicious in their ownnatures; hewill soon findthat such of them as strong inclination andcustomhave prompted him to commitare generally dressed out and paintedwith allthe false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can givethem; andthat the othersto which he feels no propensityappearatoncenaked and deformedsurrounded with all the true circumstances offolly anddishonour.

'WhenDavid surprized Saul sleeping in the caveand cut off the skirt ofhis robeweread his heart smote him for what he had done: But in thematter ofUriahwhere a faithful and gallant servantwhom he ought tohave lovedand honouredfell to make way for his lustwhere consciencehad somuch greater reason to take the alarmhis heart smote him not.  Awhole yearhad almost passed from first commission of that crimeto thetimeNathan was sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the leastsorrow orcompunction of heart which he testifiedduring all that timefor whathe had done.

'Thusconsciencethis once able monitorplaced on high as a judge withinusandintended by our maker as a just and equitable one tooby anunhappytrain of causes and impedimentstakes often such imperfectcognizanceof what passesdoes its office so negligentlysometimes socorruptlythatit is not to be trusted alone; and therefore we find thereis anecessityan absolute necessityof joining another principle withittoaidif not governits determinations.

'So thatif you would form a just judgment of what is of infiniteimportanceto you not to be misled innamelyin what degree of realmerit youstand either as an honest manan useful citizena faithfulsubject toyour kingor a good servant to your Godcall in religion andmorality. LookWhat is written in the law of God? How readest thou?Consultcalm reason and the unchangeable obligations of justice and truth; --what saythey?

'LetConscience determine the matter upon these reports; and then if thyheartcondemns thee notwhich is the case the apostle supposesthe rulewill beinfallible; ' [Here Dr. Slop fell asleep] 'thou wilt haveconfidencetowards God; that ishave just grounds to believe the judgmentthou hastpast upon thyselfis the judgment of God; and nothing else butananticipation of that righteous sentence which will be pronounced upontheehereafter by that Beingto whom thou art finally to give an accountof thyactions.

'Blessedis the manindeedthenas the author of the book ofEcclesiasticusexpresses itwho is not pricked with the multitude of hissins:  Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned him; whether he berichorwhether he be poorif he have a good heart [a heart thus guidedandinformed] he shall at all times rejoice in a chearful countenance;hismind shalltell him more than seven watch-men that sit above upon a toweronhigh. ' [A tower has no strengthquoth my uncle Tobyunless 'tisflank'd. ] 'inthe darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than athousandcasuistsand give the state he lives ina better security forhisbehaviour than all the causes and restrictions put togetherwhichlaw-makers areforced to multiply: ForcedI sayas things stand; human lawsnot beinga matter of original choicebut of pure necessitybrought in tofenceagainst the mischievous effects of those consciences which are no lawuntothemselves; well intendingby the many provisions madethat in allsuchcorrupt and misguided caseswhere principles and the checks ofconsciencewill not make us uprightto supply their forceandby theterrors ofgaols and haltersoblige us to it. '

[I seeplainlysaid my fatherthat this sermon has been composed to bepreachedat the Templeor at some Assize. I like the reasoningand amsorry thatDr. Slop has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction:for it isnow clearthat the Parsonas I thought at firstnever insultedSt. Paulin the least; nor has there beenbrotherthe least differencebetweenthem. A great matterif they had differedreplied my uncleTobythebest friends in the world may differ sometimes. TruebrotherToby quothmy fathershaking hands with himwe'll fill our pipesbrotherand then Trim shall go on.

Wellwhatdost thou think of it? said my fatherspeaking to CorporalTrimashe reached his tobacco-box.

I thinkanswered the Corporalthat the seven watch-men upon the towerwhoIsupposeare all centinels thereare morean' please your Honourthan werenecessary; andto go on at that ratewould harrass a regimentall topieceswhich a commanding officerwho loves his menwill neverdoif hecan help itbecause two centinelsadded the Corporalare asgood astwenty. I have been a commanding officer myself in the Corps deGarde ahundred timescontinued Trimrising an inch higher in his figureas hespokeand all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty KingWilliamin relieving the most considerable postsI never left more thantwo in mylife. Very rightTrimquoth my uncle Tobybut you do notconsiderTrimthat the towersin Solomon's dayswere not such things asourbastionsflanked and defended by other works; thisTrimwas aninventionsince Solomon's death; nor had they horn-worksor ravelinsbefore thecurtinin his time; or such a fosse as we make with a cuvettein themiddle of itand with covered ways and counterscarps pallisadoedalong itto guard against a Coup de main: So that the seven men upon thetower werea partyI dare sayfrom the Corps de Gardeset therenotonly tolook outbut to defend it. They could be no morean' please yourHonourthan a Corporal's Guard. My father smiled inwardlybut notoutwardlythesubject being rather too seriousconsidering what hadhappenedto make a jest of. So putting his pipe into his mouthwhich hehad justlightedhe contented himself with ordering Trim to read on.   Heread on asfollows:

'To havethe fear of God before our eyesandin our mutual dealings witheachotherto govern our actions by the eternal measures of right andwrong: Thefirst of these will comprehend the duties of religion; thesecondthose of moralitywhich are so inseparably connected togetherthat youcannot divide these two tableseven in imagination[tho' theattempt isoften made in practice] without breaking and mutually destroyingthem both.

I said theattempt is often made; and so it is; there being nothing morecommonthan to see a man who has no sense at all of religionand indeedhas somuch honesty as to pretend to nonewho would take it as thebitterestaffrontshould you but hint at a suspicion of his moralcharacterorimagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous totheuttermost mite.

'Whenthere is some appearance that it is sotho' one is unwilling evento suspectthe appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honestyyet werewe to lookinto the grounds of itin the present caseI am persuaded weshouldfind little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.

'Let himdeclaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subjectit will befound torest upon no better foundation than either his interesthispridehiseaseor some such little and changeable passion as will give usbut smalldependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.

'I willillustrate this by an example.

'I knowthe banker I deal withor the physician I usually call in'[There isno needcried Dr. Slop[waking] to call in any physician inthiscase] 'to be neither of them men of much religion:   I hear themmakea jest ofit every dayand treat all its sanctions with so much scornasto put thematter past doubt.   Well; notwithstanding thisI put myfortuneinto the hands of the one: and what is dearer still to meI trustmy life tothe honest skill of the other.

'Now letme examine what is my reason for this great confidence.   Whyinthe firstplaceI believe there is no probability that either of them willemploy thepower I put into their hands to my disadvantage; I considerthathonesty serves the purposes of this life: I know their success in theworlddepends upon the fairness of their characters. In a wordI'mpersuadedthat they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.

'But putit otherwisenamelythat interest layfor onceon the otherside; thata case should happenwherein the onewithout stain to hisreputationcould secrete my fortuneand leave me naked in the world; orthat theother could send me out of itand enjoy an estate by my deathwithoutdishonour to himself or his art: In this casewhat hold have I ofeither ofthem? Religionthe strongest of all motivesis out of thequestion; Interestthe next most powerful motive in the worldisstronglyagainst me: What have I left to cast into the opposite scale tobalancethis temptation? Alas! I have nothingnothing but what islighterthan a bubbleI must lie at the mercy of Honouror some suchcapriciousprincipleStrait security for two of the most valuableblessings! myproperty and myself.

'Asthereforewe can have no dependence upon morality without religion;soon theother handthere is nothing better to be expected from religionwithoutmorality; nevertheless'tis no prodigy to see a man whose realmoralcharacter stands very lowwho yet entertains the highest notion ofhimself inthe light of a religious man.

'He shallnot only be covetousrevengefulimplacablebut even wantingin pointsof common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against theinfidelityof the ageis zealous for some points of religiongoes twicea day tochurchattends the sacramentsand amuses himself with a fewinstrumentalparts of religionshall cheat his conscience into ajudgmentthatfor thishe is a religious manand has discharged trulyhis dutyto God: And you will find that such a manthrough force of thisdelusiongenerally looks down with spiritual pride upon every other manwho hasless affectation of pietythoughperhapsten times more realhonestythan himself.

'Thislikewise is a sore evil under the sun; and I believethere is no onemistakenprinciplewhichfor its timehas wrought more seriousmischiefs. Fora general proof of thisexamine the history of the Romishchurch; ' [Wellwhat can you make of that? cried Dr. Slop] 'see whatscenes ofcrueltymurderrapinebloodshed' [They may thank their ownobstinacycried Dr. Slop] have all been sanctified by a religion notstrictlygoverned by morality.

'In howmany kingdoms of the world' [Here Trim kept waving his right-handfrom thesermon to the extent of his armreturning it backwards andforwardsto the conclusion of the paragraph. ]

'In howmany kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of thismisguidedsaint-errantspared neither age or meritor sexor condition? --andashe fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose fromjusticeand humanityhe shewed none; mercilessly trampled upon bothheardneither the cries of the unfortunatenor pitied their distresses. '

[I havebeen in many a battlean' please your Honourquoth Trimsighingbut neverin so melancholy a one as thisI would not have drawn a trickerin itagainst these poor soulsto have been made a general officer. Why?what doyou understand of the affair? said Dr. Sloplooking towards Trimwithsomething more of contempt than the Corporal's honest heartdeserved. --What doyou knowfriendabout this battle you talk of? I knowrepliedTrimthatI never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out forit; but toa woman or a childcontinued Trimbefore I would level mymusket atthemI would loose my life a thousand times. Here's a crown fortheeTrimto drink with Obadiah to-nightquoth my uncle Tobyand I'llgiveObadiah another too. God bless your Honourreplied TrimI hadratherthese poor women and children had it. thou art an honest fellowquoth myuncle Toby. My father nodded his headas much as to sayand sohe is.

ButpritheeTrimsaid my fathermake an endfor I see thou hast but aleaf ortwo left.

CorporalTrim read on. ]

'If thetestimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficientconsiderat this instanthow the votaries of that religion are every daythinkingto do service and honour to Godby actions which are a dishonourandscandal to themselves.

'To beconvinced of thisgo with me for a moment into the prisons of theInquisition. ' [Godhelp my poor brother Tom. ] 'Behold ReligionwithMercy andJustice chained down under her feetthere sitting ghastly upona blacktribunalpropped up with racks and instruments of torment.  Hark! --hark!what a piteous groan! ' [Here Trims's face turned as pale asashes. ] 'seethe melancholy wretch who uttered it' [Here the tears beganto trickledown] 'just brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mocktrialandendure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty hasbeen ableto invent. ' [D. . n them allquoth Trimhis colour returninginto hisface as red as blood. ] 'Behold this helpless victim delivered upto histormentorshis body so wasted with sorrow and confinement. ' [Oh!'tis mybrothercried poor Trim in a most passionate exclamationdroppingthe sermonupon the groundand clapping his hands togetherI fear 'tispoor Tom.  My father's and my uncle Toby's heart yearned with sympathy forthe poorfellow's distress; even Slop himself acknowledged pity for him.WhyTrimsaid my fatherthis is not a history'tis a sermon thou artreading;prithee begin the sentence again. ] 'Behold this helpless victimdeliveredup to his tormentorshis body so wasted with sorrow andconfinementyou will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.

'Observethe last movement of that horrid engine! ' [I would rather face acannonquoth Trimstamping. ] 'See what convulsions it has thrown himinto! Considerthe nature of the posture in which he how lies stretchedwhatexquisite tortures he endures by it! ' [I hope 'tis not in Portugal. ] --''Tis allnature can bear!   Good God! see how it keeps his weary soulhangingupon his trembling lips! '  [I would not read another line of itquoth Trimfor all this world; I fearan' please your Honoursall thisis inPortugalwhere my poor brother Tom is.   I tell theeTrimagainquoth myfather'tis not an historical account'tis a description. 'Tisonly adescriptionhonest manquoth Slopthere's not a word of truth init. That'sanother storyreplied my father. Howeveras Trim reads itwith somuch concern'tis cruelty to force him to go on with it. Give mehold ofthe sermonTrimI'll finish it for theeand thou may'st go.   Imust stayand hear it tooreplied Trimif your Honour will allow me;tho' Iwould not read it myself for a Colonel's pay. Poor Trim! quoth myuncleToby.   My father went on. ]

'Considerthe nature of the posture in which he now lies stretchedwhatexquisitetorture he endures by it! 'Tis all nature can bear!   Good God!

See how itkeeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lipswillingto takeits leavebut not suffered to depart! Behold the unhappy wretchled backto his cell! ' [Thenthank Godhoweverquoth Trimthey havenot killedhim. ] 'See him dragged out of it again to meet the flamesandtheinsults in his last agonieswhich this principlethis principlethat therecan be religion without mercyhas prepared for him. ' [ThenthankGodhe is deadquoth Trimhe is out of his painand they havedone theirworst at him. O Sirs! Hold your peaceTrimsaid my fathergoing onwith the sermonlest Trim should incense Dr. Slopwe shallnever havedone at this rate. ]

'Thesurest way to try the merit of any disputed notion isto trace downtheconsequences such a notion has producedand compare them with thespirit ofChristianity; 'tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviourhath leftusfor these and such like casesand it is worth a thousandargumentsBytheir fruits ye shall know them.

'I willadd no farther to the length of this sermonthan by two or threeshort andindependent rules deducible from it.

'FirstWhenever a man talks loudly against religionalways suspect thatit is nothis reasonbut his passionswhich have got the better of hisCreed.  A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesomeneighboursand where they separatedepend upon it'tis for no othercause butquietness sake.

'SecondlyWhen a manthus representedtells you in any particularinstanceThatsuch a thing goes against his consciencealways believehe meansexactly the same thingas when he tells you such a thing goesagainsthis stomach; a present want of appetite being generally the truecause ofboth.

'In awordtrust that man in nothingwho has not a Conscience in everything.

'Andinyour own caseremember this plain distinctiona mistake in whichhas ruinedthousandsthat your conscience is not a law; NoGod andreasonmade the lawand have placed conscience within you to determine;notlikean Asiatic Cadiaccording to the ebbs and flows of his ownpassionsbutlike a British judge in this land of liberty and good sensewho makesno new lawbut faithfully declares that law which he knowsalreadywritten. '

Finis.

Thou hastread the sermon extremely wellTrimquoth my father. If he hadspared hiscommentsreplied Dr. Slophe would have read it much better.

I shouldhave read it ten times betterSiranswered Trimbut that myheart wasso full. that was the very reasonTrimreplied my fatherwhich hasmade thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if theclergy ofour churchcontinued my fatheraddressing himself to Dr. Slopwould takepart in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow hasdoneastheir compositions are fine; [I deny itquoth Dr. Slop] Imaintainitthat the eloquence of our pulpitswith such subjects toenflameitwould be a model for the whole world: But alas! continued myfatherand I own itSirwith sorrowthatlike French politicians inthisrespectwhat they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field. 'Twerea pityquoth my unclethat has should be lost.   I like the sermonwellreplied myfather'tis dramatickand there is something in that way ofwritingwhen skilfully managedwhich catches the attention. We preachmuch inthat way with ussaid Dr. Slop. I know that very wellsaid myfatherbutin a tone and manner which disgusted Dr. Slopfull as much ashisassentsimplycould have pleased him. But in thisadded Dr. Slopalittlepiquedour sermons have greatly the advantagethat we neverintroduceany character into them below a patriarch or a patriarch's wifeor amartyr or a saint. There are some very bad characters in thishoweversaid my fatherand I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for'em. Butprayquoth my uncle Tobywho's can this be? How could it getinto myStevinus?   A man must be as great a conjurer as Stevinussaidmyfathertoresolve the second question: The firstI thinkis not sodifficult; forunless my judgment greatly deceives meI know the authorfor 'tiswrotecertainlyby the parson of the parish.

Thesimilitude of the stile and manner of itwith those my fatherconstantlyhad heard preached in his parish-churchwas the ground of hisconjectureprovingit as stronglyas an argument a priori could provesuch athing to a philosophic mindThat it was Yorick's and no one'selse: Itwas proved to be soa posteriorithe day afterwhen Yoricksent aservant to my uncle Toby's house to enquire after it.

It seemsthat Yorickwho was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledgehadborrowedStevinus of my uncle Tobyand had carelesly popped his sermonassoon as hehad made itinto the middle of Stevinus; and by an act offorgetfulnessto which he was ever subjecthe had sent Stevinus homeandhis sermonto keep him company.

Ill-fatedsermon!   Thou wast lostafter this recovery of theea secondtimedropped thru' an unsuspected fissure in thy master's pocketdowninto atreacherous and a tattered liningtrod deep into the dirt by thelefthind-foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thoufalledst; buriedten days in the mireraised up out of it by a beggarsold for ahalfpenny to a parish-clerktransferred to his parsonlostfor everto thy ownthe remainder of his daysnor restored to hisrestlessManes till this very momentthat I tell the world the story.

Can thereader believethat this sermon of Yorick's was preached at anassizeinthe cathedral of Yorkbefore a thousand witnessesready togive oathof itby a certain prebendary of that churchand actuallyprinted byhim when he had doneand within so short a space as two yearsand threemonths after Yorick's death? Yorick indeedwas never betterserved inhis life; but it was a little hard to maltreat him afterandplunderhim after he was laid in his grave.

Howeveras the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with Yorickandinconscious justiceprinted but a few copies to give away; and thatI am toldhe could moreover have made as good a one himselfhad he thoughtfitIdeclare I would not have published this anecdote to the world; nordo Ipublish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement inthechurch; Ileave that to others; but I find myself impelled by tworeasonswhich I cannot withstand.

The firstisThat in doing justiceI may give rest to Yorick's ghost;whichasthe country-peopleand some others believestill walks.

The secondreason isThatby laying open this story to the worldI gainanopportunity of informing itThat in case the character of parsonYorickand this sample of his sermonsis likedthere are now in thepossessionof the Shandy familyas many as will make a handsome volumeattheworld's serviceand much good may they do it.

 ChapterXVIII.

Obadiahgained the two crowns without dispute; for he came in jinglingwith allthe instruments in the green baize bag we spoke offlung acrosshis bodyjust as Corporal Trim went out of the room.

It is nowproperI thinkquoth Dr. Slop[clearing up his looks] as weare in acondition to be of some service to Mrs. Shandyto send up stairsto knowhow she goes on.

I haveorderedanswered my fatherthe old midwife to come down to us uponthe leastdifficulty; for you must knowDr. Slopcontinued my fatherwith aperplexed kind of a smile upon his countenancethat by expresstreatysolemnly ratified between me and my wifeyou are no more than anauxiliaryin this affairand not so much as thatunless the lean oldmother ofa midwife above stairs cannot do without you. Women have theirparticularfanciesand in points of this naturecontinued my fatherwhere theybear the whole burdenand suffer so much acute pain for theadvantageof our familiesand the good of the speciesthey claim a rightofdecidingen Souverainesin whose handsand in what fashiontheychoose toundergo it.

They arein the right of itquoth my uncle Toby.   But Sirreplied Dr.Slopnottaking notice of my uncle Toby's opinionbut turning to myfathertheyhad better govern in other points; and a father of a familywho wishesits perpetuityin my opinionhad better exchange thisprerogativewith themand give up some other rights in lieu of it. I knownotquothmy fatheranswering a letter too testilyto be quitedispassionatein what he saidI know notquoth hewhat we have left togive upin lieu of who shall bring our children into the worldunlessthatofwho shall beget them. One would almost give up any thingrepliedDr. Slop. I beg your pardonanswered my uncle Toby. SirrepliedDr. Slopit would astonish you to know what improvements we havemade oflate years in all branches of obstetrical knowledgebutparticularlyin that one single point of the safe and expeditiousextractionof the foetuswhich has received such lightsthatfor mypart[holding up his hand] I declare I wonder how the world hasI wishquoth myuncle Tobyyou had seen what prodigious armies we had inFlanders.

 ChapterXIX.

I havedropped the curtain over this scene for a minuteto remind you ofonethingand to inform you of another.

What Ihave to inform youcomesI owna little out of its due course;for itshould have been told a hundred and fifty pages agobut that Iforesawthen 'twould come in pat hereafterand be of more advantage herethanelsewhere. Writers had need look before themto keep up the spiritandconnection of what they have in hand.

When thesetwo things are donethe curtain shall be drawn up againandmy uncleTobymy fatherand Dr. Slopshall go on with their discoursewithoutany more interruption.

Firstthenthe matter which I have to remind you ofis this; that fromthespecimens of singularity in my father's notions in the point ofChristian-namesand that other previous point theretoyou was ledIthinkinto an opinion[and I am sure I said as much] that my father wasagentleman altogether as odd and whimsical in fifty other opinions.  Intruththere was not a stage in the life of manfrom the very first act ofhisbegettingdown to the lean and slippered pantaloon in his secondchildishnessbut he had some favourite notion to himselfspringing out ofitasscepticaland as far out of the high-way of thinkingas these twowhich havebeen explained.

Mr.Shandymy fatherSirwould see nothing in the light in whichothersplaced it; he placed things in his own light; he would weighnothing incommon scales; nohe was too refined a researcher to lie opento sogross an imposition. To come at the exact weight of things in thescientificsteel-yardthe fulcrumhe would sayshould be almostinvisibleto avoid all friction from popular tenets; without this theminutiaeof philosophywhich would always turn the balancewill have noweight atall.   Knowledgelike matterhe would affirmwas divisible ininfinitum; thatthe grains and scruples were as much a part of itas thegravitationof the whole world. In a wordhe would sayerror was error--no matterwhere it fellwhether in a fractionor a pound'twas alikefatal totruthand she was kept down at the bottom of her wellasinevitablyby a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wingas in the diskof thesunthe moonand all the stars of heaven put together.

He wouldoften lament that it was for want of considering this properlyand ofapplying it skilfully to civil mattersas well as to speculativetruthsthat so many things in this world were out of joint; that thepoliticalarch was giving way; and that the very foundations of ourexcellentconstitution in church and statewere so sapped as estimatorshadreported.

You cryouthe would saywe are a ruinedundone people.   Why? hewouldaskmaking use of the sorites or syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippuswithoutknowing itbelonged to them. Why? why are we a ruined people? Because wearecorrupted. Whence is itdear Sirthat we are corrupted? Because weareneedy; our povertyand not our willsconsent. And whereforehewould addare we needy? From the neglecthe would answerof our penceand ourhalfpence: Our bank notesSirour guineasnay our shillingstake careof themselves.

'Tis thesamehe would saythroughout the whole circle of the sciences;the greatthe established points of themare not to be broke in upon.The lawsof nature will defend themselves; but error [he would addlookingearnestly at my mother] errorSircreeps in thro' the minuteholes andsmall crevices which human nature leaves unguarded.

This turnof thinking in my fatheris what I had to remind you of: Thepoint youare to be informed ofand which I have reserved for this placeis asfollows.

Amongstthe many and excellent reasonswith which my father had urged mymother toaccept of Dr. Slop's assistance preferably to that of the oldwomantherewas one of a very singular nature; whichwhen he had donearguingthe matter with her as a Christianand came to argue it over againwith heras a philosopherhe had put his whole strength todependingindeedupon it as his sheet-anchor. It failed himtho' from no defect intheargument itself; but thatdo what he couldhe was not able for hissoul tomake her comprehend the drift of it. Cursed luck! said he tohimselfone afternoonas he walked out of the roomafter he had beenstating itfor an hour and a half to herto no manner of purpose; cursedluck! saidhebiting his lip as he shut the doorfor a man to be masterof one ofthe finest chains of reasoning in natureand have a wife at thesame timewith such a head-piecethat he cannot hang up a single inferencewithinside of itto save his soul from destruction.

Thisargumentthough it was entirely lost upon my motherhad more weightwith himthan all his other arguments joined together: I will thereforeendeavourto do it justiceand set it forth with all the perspicuity I ammaster of.

My fatherset out upon the strength of these two following axioms:

FirstThat an ounce of a man's own witwas worth a ton of other people's;and

Secondly[Which by the byewas the ground-work of the first axiomtho'it comeslast] That every man's wit must come from every man's own souland noother body's.

Nowas itwas plain to my fatherthat all souls were by nature equaland thatthe great difference between the most acute and the most obtuseunderstandingwasfrom no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinkingsubstanceabove or below anotherbut arose merely from the lucky orunluckyorganization of the bodyin that part where the soul principallytook upher residencehe had made it the subject of his enquiry to findout theidentical place.

Nowfromthe best accounts he had been able to get of this matterhe wassatisfiedit could not be where Des Cartes had fixed itupon the top ofthe pinealgland of the brain; whichas he philosophizedformed a cushionfor herabout the size of a marrow pea; tho' to speak the truthas so manynerves didterminate all in that one place'twas no bad conjecture; andmy fatherhad certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into thecentre ofthe mistakehad it not been for my uncle Tobywho rescued himout of itby a story he told him of a Walloon officer at the battle ofLandenwho had one part of his brain shot away by a musket-ballandanotherpart of it taken out after by a French surgeon; and after allrecoveredand did his duty very well without it.

If deathsaid my fatherreasoning with himselfis nothing but theseparationof the soul from the body; and if it is true that people canwalk aboutand do their business without brainsthen certes the soul doesnotinhabit there.   Q. E. D.

As forthat certainvery thinsubtle and very fragrant juice whichCoglionissimoBorrithe great Milaneze physician affirmsin a letter toBartholineto have discovered in the cellulae of the occipital parts ofthecerebellumand which he likewise affirms to be the principal seat ofthereasonable soul[foryou must knowin these latter and moreenlightenedagesthere are two souls in every man livingthe oneaccordingto the great Metheglingiusbeing called the Animusthe othertheAnima; ] as for the opinionI say of Borrimy father could neversubscribeto it by any means; the very idea of so nobleso refinedsoimmaterialand so exalted a being as the Animaor even the Animustakingup herresidenceand sitting dabblinglike a tad-pole all day longbothsummer andwinterin a puddleor in a liquid of any kindhow thick orthinsoeverhe would sayshocked his imagination; he would scarce givethedoctrine a hearing.

Whatthereforeseemed the least liable to objections of anywas that thechiefsensoriumor head-quarters of the souland to which place allintelligenceswere referredand from whence all her mandates were issued--was inor nearthe cerebellumor rather somewhere about the medullaoblongatawherein it was generally agreed by Dutch anatomiststhat allthe minutenerves from all the organs of the seven senses concenteredlikestreetsand winding alleysinto a square.

So farthere was nothing singular in my father's opinionhe had the bestofphilosophersof all ages and climatesto go along with him. But herehe took aroad of his ownsetting up another Shandean hypothesis uponthesecorner-stones they had laid for him; and which said hypothesisequallystood its ground; whether the subtilty and fineness of the souldependedupon the temperature and clearness of the said liquoror of thefinernet-work and texture in the cerebellum itself; which opinion hefavoured.

Hemaintainedthat next to the due care to be taken in the act ofpropagationof each individualwhich required all the thought in theworldasit laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contextureinwhich witmemoryfancyeloquenceand what is usually meant by the nameof goodnatural partsdo consist; that next to this and his Christian-namewhich were the two original and most efficacious causes of all; thatthe thirdcauseor rather what logicians call the Causa sina qua nonandwithoutwhich all that was done was of no manner of significancewas thepreservationof this delicate and fine-spun webfrom the havock which wasgenerallymade in it by the violent compression and crush which the headwas madeto undergoby the nonsensical method of bringing us into theworld bythat foremost.

Thisrequires explanation.

My fatherwho dipped into all kinds of booksupon looking intoLithopaedusSenonesis de Portu difficili[The author is here twicemistaken;for Lithopaedus should be wrote thusLithopaedii SenonensisIcon.  The second mistake isthat this Lithopaedus is not an authorbut adrawing ofa petrified child.   The account of thispublished by Athosius1580maybe seen at the end of Cordaeus's works in Spachius.   Mr.TristramShandy hasbeen led into this erroreither from seeing Lithopaedus's nameof late ina catalogue of learned writers in Dr. . .or by mistakingLithopaedusfor Trinecavelliusfrom the too great similitude of thenames. ]published by Adrianus Smelvgothad found outthat the lax andpliablestate of a child's head in parturitionthe bones of the craniumhaving nosutures at that timewas suchthat by force of the woman'seffortswhichin strong labour-painswas equalupon an averageto theweight of470 pounds avoirdupois acting perpendicularly upon it; it sohappenedthat in 49 instances out of 50the said head was compressed andmouldedinto the shape of an oblong conical piece of doughsuch as apastry-cookgenerally rolls up in order to make a pye of. Good God! criedmy fatherwhat havock and destruction must this make in the infinitelyfine andtender texture of the cerebellum! Or if there is such a juice asBorripretendsis it not enough to make the clearest liquid in the worldbothseculent and mothery?

But howgreat was his apprehensionwhen he farther understoodthat thisforceacting upon the very vertex of the headnot only injured the brainitselforcerebrumbut that it necessarily squeezed and propelled thecerebrumtowards the cerebellumwhich was the immediate seat of theunderstanding! Angelsand ministers of grace defend us! cried my fathercan anysoul withstand this shock? No wonder the intellectual web is sorent andtattered as we see it; and that so many of our best heads are nobetterthan a puzzled skein of silkall perplexityall confusionwithin-side.

But whenmy father read onand was let into the secretthat when a childwas turnedtopsy-turvywhich was easy for an operator to doand wasextractedby the feet; that instead of the cerebrum being propelledtowardsthe cerebellumthe cerebellumon the contrarywas propelledsimplytowards the cerebrumwhere it could do no manner of hurt: Byheavens!cried hethe world is in conspiracy to drive out what little witGod hasgiven usand the professors of the obstetric art are listed intothe sameconspiracy. What is it to me which end of my son comes foremostinto theworldprovided all goes right afterand his cerebellum escapesuncrushed?

It is thenature of an hypothesiswhen once a man has conceived itthatitassimilates every thing to itselfas proper nourishment; andfromthefirstmoment of your begetting itit generally grows the stronger by everything youseehearreador understand.   This is of great use.

When myfather was gone with this about a monththere was scarce aphaenomenonof stupidity or of geniuswhich he could not readily solve byit; itaccounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in thefamily. Poordevilhe would sayhe made way for the capacity of hisyoungerbrothers. It unriddled the observations of drivellers andmonstrousheadsshewing a prioriit could not be otherwiseunless . .. I don'tknow what.   It wonderfully explained and accounted for theacumenof theAsiatic geniusand that sprightlier turnand a more penetratingintuitionof mindsin warmer climates; not from the loose and common-placesolutionof a clearer skyand a more perpetual sunshine& c. which foraught heknewmight as well rarefy and dilute the faculties of the soulintonothingby one extremeas they are condensed in colder climates bytheother; but he traced the affair up to its spring-head; shewed thatin warmerclimatesnature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairest parts ofthecreation; their pleasures more; the necessity of their pains lessinsomuchthat the pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slightthat thewhole organization of the cerebellum was preserved; nayhe didnotbelievein natural birthsthat so much as a single thread of thenet-work wasbroke or displacedso that the soul might just act as she liked.

When myfather had got so farwhat a blaze of light did the accounts oftheCaesarian sectionand of the towering geniuses who had come safeintothe worldby itcast upon this hypothesis?   Here you seehe would saythere wasno injury done to the sensorium; no pressure of the head againstthepelvis; no propulsion of the cerebrum towards the cerebellumeitherby the ospubis on this sideor os coxygis on that; and praywhat werethe happyconsequences?   WhySiryour Julius Caesarwho gave theoperationa name; and your Hermes Trismegistuswho was born so beforeever theoperation had a name; your Scipio Africanus; your ManliusTorquatus;our Edward the Sixthwhohad he livedwould have done thesamehonour to the hypothesis: Theseand many more who figured high inthe annalsof fameall came side-waySirinto the world.

Theincision of the abdomen and uterus ran for six weeks together in myfather'shead; he had readand was satisfiedthat wounds in theepigastriumand those in the matrixwere not mortal; so that the bellyof themother might be opened extremely well to give a passage to thechild. Hementioned the thing one afternoon to my mothermerely as amatter offact; but seeing her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention ofitasmuch as the operation flattered his hopeshe thought it as well tosay nomore of itcontenting himself with admiringwhat he thought wasto nopurpose to propose.

This wasmy father Mr. Shandy's hypothesis; concerning which I have only toaddthatmy brother Bobby did as great honour to it [whatever he did tothefamily] as any one of the great heroes we spoke of:   Forhappening notonly to bechristenedas I told youbut to be born toowhen my fatherwas atEpsombeing moreover my mother's first childcoming into theworld withhis head foremostand turning out afterwards a lad ofwonderfulslow partsmy father spelt all these together into his opinion:

and as hehad failed at one endhe was determined to try the other.

This wasnot to be expected from one of the sisterhoodwho are not easilyto be putout of their wayand was therefore one of my father's greatreasons infavour of a man of sciencewhom he could better deal with.

Of all menin the worldDr. Slop was the fittest for my father's purpose; --forthough this new-invented forceps was the armour he had provedandwhat hemaintained to be the safest instrument of deliveranceyetitseemshehad scattered a word or two in his bookin favour of the verythingwhich ran in my father's fancy; tho' not with a view to the soul'sgood inextracting by the feetas was my father's systembut for reasonsmerelyobstetrical.

This willaccount for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr. Slopin theensuingdiscoursewhich went a little hard against my uncle Toby. In whatmanner aplain manwith nothing but common sensecould bear up againsttwo suchallies in scienceis hard to conceive. You may conjecture uponitif youpleaseand whilst your imagination is in motionyou mayencourageit to go onand discover by what causes and effects in nature itcould cometo passthat my uncle Toby got his modesty by the wound hereceivedupon his groin. You may raise a system to account for the loss ofmy nose bymarriage-articlesand shew the world how it could happenthatI shouldhave the misfortune to be called Tristramin opposition to myfather'shypothesisand the wish of the whole familyGodfathers andGodmothersnot excepted. Thesewith fifty other points left yetunravelledyou may endeavour to solve if you have time; but I tell youbeforehandit will be in vainfor not the sage Alquisethe magician inDonBelianis of Greecenor the no less famous Urgandathe sorceress hiswife[were they alive] could pretend to come within a league of the truth.

The readerwill be content to wait for a full explanation of these matterstill thenext yearwhen a series of things will be laid open which helittleexpects.

VOL.III    ChapterI.

'I wishDr. Slop' quoth my uncle Toby[repeating his wish for Dr. Slopa secondtimeand with a degree of more zeal and earnestness in his mannerofwishingthan he had wished at first [Vide. ] ] 'I wishDr. Slop'quothmy uncleToby'you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders. '

My uncleToby's wish did Dr. Slop a disservice which his heart neverintendedany manSirit confounded himand thereby putting his ideasfirst intoconfusionand then to flighthe could not rally them again forthe soulof him.

In alldisputesmale or femalewhether for honourfor profitor forloveitmakes no difference in the case; nothing is more dangerousMadamthan a wish coming sideways in this unexpected manner upon a man:

the safestway in general to take off the force of the wishis for thepartywish'd atinstantly to get upon his legsand wish the wishersomethingin returnof pretty near the same valueso balancing theaccountupon the spotyou stand as you werenay sometimes gain theadvantageof the attack by it.

This willbe fully illustrated to the world in my chapter of wishes.

Dr. Slopdid not understand the nature of this defence; he was puzzledwith itand it put an entire stop to the dispute for four minutes and ahalf; fivehad been fatal to it: my father saw the dangerthe disputewas one ofthe most interesting disputes in the world'Whether the childof hisprayers and endeavours should be born without a head or with one: 'he waitedto the last momentto allow Dr. Slopin whose behalf the wishwas madehis right of returning it; but perceivingI saythat he wasconfoundedand continued looking with that perplexed vacuity of eye whichpuzzledsouls generally stare withfirst in my uncle Toby's facethen inhisthenupthen downthen easteast and by eastand so oncoastingit alongby the plinth of the wainscot till he had got to the oppositepoint ofthe compassand that he had actually begun to count the brassnails uponthe arm of his chairmy father thought there was no time to belost withmy uncle Tobyso took up the discourse as follows.

 ChapterII.

'Whatprodigious armies you had in Flanders! '

BrotherTobyreplied my fathertaking his wig from off his head with hisrighthandand with his left pulling out a striped India handkerchief fromhis rightcoat pocketin order to rub his headas he argued the pointwith myuncle Toby.

Nowinthis I think my father was much to blame; and I will give you myreasonsfor it.

Matters ofno more seeming consequence in themselves than'Whether myfathershould have taken off his wig with his right hand or with hisleft'havedivided the greatest kingdomsand made the crowns of themonarchswho governed themto totter upon their heads. But need I tellyouSirthat the circumstances with which every thing in this world isbegirtgive every thing in this world its size and shape! and bytighteningitor relaxing itthis way or thatmake the thing to bewhatitisgreatlittlegoodbadindifferent or not indifferentjust asthe casehappens?

As myfather's India handkerchief was in his right coat pockethe shouldby nomeans have suffered his right hand to have got engaged:   on thecontraryinstead of taking off his wig with itas he didhe ought tohavecommitted that entirely to the left; and thenwhen the naturalexigencymy father was under of rubbing his headcalled out for hishandkerchiefhe would have had nothing in the world to have donebut tohave puthis right hand into his right coat pocket and taken it out; whichhe mighthave done without any violenceor the least ungraceful twist inany onetendon or muscle of his whole body.

In thiscase[unlessindeedmy father had been resolved to make a foolof himselfby holding the wig stiff in his left handor by making somenonsensicalangle or other at his elbow-jointor armpit] his wholeattitudehad been easynaturalunforced:   Reynolds himselfas great andgracefullyas he paintsmight have painted him as he sat.

Now as myfather managed this matterconsider what a devil of a figure myfathermade of himself.

In thelatter end of Queen Anne's reignand in the beginning of the reignof KingGeorge the first'Coat pockets were cut very low down in theskirt. 'Ineed say no morethe father of mischiefhad he been hammeringat it amonthcould not have contrived a worse fashion for one in myfather'ssituation.

 ChapterIII.

It was notan easy matter in any king's reign [unless you were as lean asubject asmyself] to have forced your hand diagonallyquite across yourwholebodyso as to gain the bottom of your opposite coat pocket. In theyear onethousand seven hundred and eighteenwhen this happenedit wasextremelydifficult; so that when my uncle Toby discovered the transversezig-zaggeryof my father's approaches towards itit instantly brought intohis mindthose he had done duty inbefore the gate of St. Nicolas; theidea ofwhich drew off his attention so intirely from the subject indebatethat he had got his right hand to the bell to ring up Trim to goand fetchhis map of Namurand his compasses and sector along with ittomeasurethe returning angles of the traverses of that attackbutparticularlyof that onewhere he received his wound upon his groin.

My fatherknit his browsand as he knit themall the blood in his bodyseemed torush up into his facemy uncle Toby dismounted immediately.

I did notapprehend your uncle Toby was o'horseback.

 ChapterIV.

A man'sbody and his mindwith the utmost reverence to both I speak itareexactly like a jerkinand a jerkin's lining; rumple the oneyourumple theother.   There is one certain exception however in this caseandthat iswhen you are so fortunate a fellowas to have had your jerkinmade ofgum-taffetaand the body-lining to it of a sarcenetor thinpersian.

ZenoCleanthesDiogenes BabyloniusDionysiusHeracleotesAntipaterPanaetiusand Possidonius amongst the Greeks; Cato and Varro and Senecaamongstthe Romans; Pantenus and Clemens Alexandrinus and Montaigneamongstthe Christians; and a score and a half of goodhonestunthinkingShandeanpeople as ever livedwhose names I can't recollectallpretendedthat their jerkins were made after this fashionyou might haverumpledand crumpledand doubled and creasedand fretted and fridged theoutside ofthem all to pieces; in shortyou might have played the verydevil withthemand at the same timenot one of the insides of them wouldhave beenone button the worsefor all you had done to them.

I believein my conscience that mine is made up somewhat after this sort:for neverpoor jerkin has been tickled off at such a rate as it has beenthese lastnine months togetherand yet I declarethe lining to itasfar as Iam a judge of the matteris not a three-penny piece the worse;pell-mellhelter-skelterding-dongcut and thrustback stroke and forestrokeside way and long-wayhave they been trimming it for me: hadthere beenthe least gumminess in my liningby heaven! it had all of itlong agobeen frayed and fretted to a thread.

YouMessrs. the Monthly Reviewers! how could you cut and slash my jerkinas youdid? how did you know but you would cut my lining too?

Heartilyand from my soulto the protection of that Being who will injurenone ofusdo I recommend you and your affairsso God bless you; onlynextmonthif any one of you should gnash his teethand storm and rageatmeassome of you did last May [in which I remember the weather was veryhot] don'tbe exasperatedif I pass it by again with good temperbeingdeterminedas long as I live or write] which in my case means the samething]never to give the honest gentleman a worse word or a worse wish thanmy uncleToby gave the fly which buzz'd about his nose all dinner-time'Gogopoor devil' quoth he'get thee gonewhy should I hurt thee!

This worldis surely wide enough to hold both thee and me. '

 ChapterV.

Any manMadamreasoning upwardsand observing the prodigious suffusionof bloodin my father's countenanceby means of which [as all the bloodin hisbody seemed to rush into his faceas I told you] he must havereddenedpictorically and scientifically speakingsix whole tints and ahalfifnot a full octave above his natural colour: any manMadambutmy uncleTobywho had observed thistogether with the violent knitting ofmyfather's browsand the extravagant contortion of his body during thewholeaffairwould have concluded my father in a rage; and taking thatforgrantedhad he been a lover of such kind of concord as arises fromtwo suchinstruments being put in exact tunehe would instantly haveskrew'd uphisto the same pitch; and then the devil and all had brokeloosethewhole pieceMadammust have been played off like the sixth ofAvisonScarlatticon furialike mad. Grant me patience! What has confuriaconstrepitoor any other hurly burly whatever to do withharmony?

Any manIsayMadambut my uncle Tobythe benignity of whose heartinterpretedevery motion of the body in the kindest sense the motion wouldadmit ofwould have concluded my father angryand blamed him too.   Myuncle Tobyblamed nothing but the taylor who cut the pocket-hole; sosittingstill till my father had got his handkerchief out of itandlookingall the time up in his face with inexpressible good-willmyfatheratlengthwent on as follows.

 ChapterVI.

'Whatprodigious armies you had in Flanders! '

BrotherTobyquoth my fatherI do believe thee to be as honest a manand withas good and as upright a heart as ever God created; nor is it thyfaultifall the children which have beenmaycanshallwillor oughtto bebegottencome with their heads foremost into the world: but believemedearTobythe accidents which unavoidably way-lay themnot only inthearticle of our begetting 'emthough thesein my opinionare wellworthconsideringbut the dangers and difficulties our children are besetwithafter they are got forth into the worldare enowlittle need isthere toexpose them to unnecessary ones in their passage to it. Are thesedangersquoth my uncle Tobylaying his hand upon my father's kneeandlooking upseriously in his face for an answerare these dangers greaternowo'daysbrotherthan in times past?   Brother Tobyanswered myfatherif a childwas but fairly begotand born aliveand healthyand themother didwell after itour forefathers never looked farther. My uncleTobyinstantly withdrew his hand from off my father's kneereclined hisbodygently back in his chairraised his head till he could just see thecornice ofthe roomand then directing the buccinatory muscles along hischeeksand the orbicular muscles around his lips to do their dutyhewhistledLillabullero.

 ChapterVII.

Whilst myuncle Toby was whistling Lillabullero to my fatherDr. Slop wasstampingand cursing and damning at Obadiah at a most dreadful rateitwould havedone your heart goodand cured youSirfor ever of the vilesin ofswearingto have heard himI am determined therefore to relate thewholeaffair to you.

When Dr.Slop's maid delivered the green baize bag with her master'sinstrumentsin itto Obadiahshe very sensibly exhorted him to put hishead andone arm through the stringsand ride with it slung across hisbody:  so undoing the bow-knotto lengthen the strings for himwithoutany moreadoshe helped him on with it.   Howeveras thisin somemeasureunguarded the mouth of the baglest any thing should bolt out ingallopingbackat the speed Obadiah threatenedthey consulted to take itoffagain:   and in the great care and caution of their heartstheyhadtaken thetwo strings and tied them close [pursing up the mouth of the bagfirst]with half a dozen hard knotseach of which Obadiahto make allsafehadtwitched and drawn together with all the strength of his body.

Thisanswered all that Obadiah and the maid intended; but was no remedyagainstsome evils which neither he or she foresaw.   The instrumentsitseemsastight as the bag was tied abovehad so much room to play in ittowardsthe bottom [the shape of the bag being conical] that Obadiah couldnot make atrot of itbut with such a terrible jinglewhat with the tireteteforcepsand squirtas would have been enoughhad Hymen been takinga jauntthat wayto have frightened him out of the country; but whenObadiahaccelerated his motionand from a plain trot assayed to prick hiscoach-horseinto a full gallopby Heaven! Sirthe jingle was incredible.

As Obadiahhad a wife and three childrenthe turpitude of fornicationandthe manyother political ill consequences of this jinglingnever onceenteredhis brainhe had however his objectionwhich came home tohimselfand weighed with himas it has oft-times done with the greatestpatriots. 'Thepoor fellowSirwas not able to hear himself whistle. '

 ChapterVIII.

As Obadiahloved wind-music preferably to all the instrumental music hecarriedwith himhe very considerately set his imagination to worktocontriveand to invent by what means he should put himself in a conditionofenjoying it.

In alldistresses [except musical] where small cords are wantednothing isso apt toenter a man's head as his hat-band: the philosophy of this is sonear thesurfaceI scorn to enter into it.

AsObadiah's was a mixed casemarkSirsI saya mixed case; for it wasobstetricalscrip-ticalsquirticalpapisticaland as far as the coach-horse wasconcerned in itcaballisticaland only partly musical;Obadiahmade no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient whichoffered;so taking hold of the bag and instrumentsand griping them hardtogetherwith one handand with the finger and thumb of the other puttingthe end ofthe hat-band betwixt his teethand then slipping his hand downto themiddle of ithe tied and cross-tied them all fast together fromone end tothe other [as you would cord a trunk] with such a multiplicityofround-abouts and intricate cross turnswith a hard knot at everyintersectionor point where the strings metthat Dr. Slop must have hadthreefifths of Job's patience at least to have unloosed them. I think inmyconsciencethat had Nature been in one of her nimble moodsand inhumour forsuch a contestand she and Dr. Slop both fairly startedtogetherthereis no man living which had seen the bag with all thatObadiahhad done to itand known likewise the great speed the Goddess canmake whenshe thinks properwho would have had the least doubt remainingin hismindwhich of the two would have carried off the prize.   MymotherMadamhadbeen delivered sooner than the green bag infalliblyat least bytwentyknots. Sport of small accidentsTristram Shandy! that thou artand everwill be! had that trial been for theeand it was fifty to one butit hadthyaffairs had not been so depress'd [at least by the depressionof thynose] as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and theoccasionsof making themwhich have so often presented themselves in thecourse ofthy lifeto theebeen so oftenso vexatiouslyso tamelysoirrecoverablyabandonedas thou hast been forced to leave them; but 'tisoverallbut the account of 'emwhich cannot be given to the curioustill I amgot out into the world.

 ChapterIX.

Great witsjump: for the moment Dr. Slop cast his eyes upon his bag [whichhe had notdone till the dispute with my uncle Toby about mid-wifery puthim inmind of it] the very same thought occurred. 'Tis God's mercyquoth he[to himself] that Mrs. Shandy has had so bad a time of itelseshe mighthave been brought to bed seven times toldbefore one half oftheseknots could have got untied. But here you must distinguishthethoughtfloated only in Dr. Slop's mindwithout sail or ballast to itasa simpleproposition; millions of whichas your worship knowsare everydayswimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man'sunderstandingwithout being carried backwards or forwardstill somelittlegusts of passion or interest drive them to one side.

A suddentrampling in the room abovenear my mother's beddid thepropositionthe very service I am speaking of.   By all that's unfortunatequoth Dr.Slopunless I make hastethe thing will actually befall me asit is.

 ChapterX.

In thecase of knotsby whichin the first placeI would not beunderstoodto mean slip-knotsbecause in the course of my life andopinionsmyopinions concerning them will come in more properly when Imentionthe catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandya littlemanbut ofhigh fancy: he rushed into the duke of Monmouth's affair:norsecondlyin this placedo I mean that particular species of knotscalledbow-knots; there is so little addressor skillor patiencerequiredin the unloosing themthat they are below my giving any opinionat allabout them. But by the knots I am speaking ofmay it please yourreverencesto believethat I mean goodhonestdevilish tighthardknotsmade bona fideas Obadiah made his; in which there is no quibblingprovisionmade by the duplication and return of the two ends of the stringsthro' theannulus or noose made by the second implication of themto getthemslipp'd and undone by. I hope you apprehend me.

In thecase of these knots thenand of the several obstructionswhichmay itplease your reverencessuch knots cast in our way in gettingthroughlifeevery hasty man can whip out his pen-knife and cut throughthem. 'Tiswrong.   Believe meSirsthe most virtuous wayand which bothreason andconscience dictateis to take our teeth or our fingers tothem. Dr.Slop had lost his teethhis favourite instrumentby extractingin a wrongdirectionor by some misapplication of itunfortunatelyslippinghe had formerlyin a hard labourknock'd out three of the bestof themwith the handle of it: he tried his fingersalas; the nails ofhisfingers and thumbs were cut close. The duce take it!   I can makenothing ofit either waycried Dr. Slop. The trampling over head near mymother'sbed-side increased. Pox take the fellow!   I shall never get theknotsuntied as long as I live. My mother gave a groan. Lend me yourpenknifeImust e'en cut the knots at lastpugh! psha! Lord!   I havecut mythumb quite across to the very bonecurse the fellowif there wasnotanother man-midwife within fifty milesI am undone for this boutIwish thescoundrel hang'dI wish he was shotI wish all the devils inhell hadhim for a blockhead!

My fatherhad a great respect for Obadiahand could not bear to hear himdisposedof in such a mannerhe had moreover some little respect forhimselfandcould as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.

Had Dr.Slop cut any part about himbut his thumbmy father had pass'd itbyhisprudence had triumphed:   as it washe was determined to havehisrevenge.

SmallcursesDr. Slopupon great occasionsquoth my father [condolingwith himfirst upon the accident] are but so much waste of our strength andsoul'shealth to no manner of purpose. I own itreplied Dr. Slop. Theyare likesparrow-shotquoth my uncle Toby [suspending his whistling] firedagainst abastion. They servecontinued my fatherto stir the humoursbut carryoff none of their acrimony: for my own partI seldom swear orcurse atallI hold it badbut if I fall into it by surprizeI generallyretain somuch presence of mind [rightquoth my uncle Toby] as to make itanswer mypurposethat isI swear on till I find myself easy.   A wife anda just manhowever would always endeavour to proportion the vent given tothesehumoursnot only to the degree of them stirring within himselfbutto thesize and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.'Injuriescome only from the heart'quoth my uncle Toby.   For thisreasoncontinued my fatherwith the most Cervantick gravityI have thegreatestveneration in the world for that gentlemanwhoin distrust ofhis owndiscretion in this pointsat down and composed [that is at hisleisure]fit forms of swearing suitable to all casesfrom the lowest tothehighest provocation which could possibly happen to himwhich formsbeing wellconsidered by himand such moreover as he could stand tohekept themever by him on the chimney-piecewithin his reachready foruse. Inever apprehendedreplied Dr. Slopthat such a thing was everthoughtofmuch less executed.   I beg your pardonanswered my father; Iwasreadingthough not usingone of them to my brother Toby thismorningwhilst hepour'd out the tea'tis here upon the shelf over my head; butif Iremember right'tis too violent for a cut of the thumb. Not at allquoth Dr.Slopthe devil take the fellow. Thenanswered my father'Tismuch atyour serviceDr. Slopon condition you will read it aloud; sorising upand reaching down a form of excommunication of the church ofRomeacopy of whichmy father [who was curious in his collections] hadprocuredout of the leger-book of the church of Rochesterwrit byErnulphusthe bishopwith a most affected seriousness of look and voicewhichmight have cajoled Ernulphus himselfhe put it into Dr. Slop'shands. Dr.Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchiefandwith a wryfacethough without any suspicionread aloudas followsmyuncle Tobywhistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time.

[As thegeniuneness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the questionofbaptismwas doubted by someand denied by others'twas thoughtproperto printthe original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr.Shandyreturns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter ofRochester. ]

 Textus deEcclesia Roffensiper Ernulfum Episcopum.

Cap.  XXV.

Excommunicatio.

Exauctoritate Dei omnipotentisPatriset Filijet Spiritus Sanctietsanctorumcanonumsanctaeque et entemeratae Virginis Dei genetricisMariae

Atqueomnium coelestium virtutumangelorumarchangelorumthronorumdominationumpotestatuumcherubin ac seraphin& sanctorum patriarchumprophetarum& omnium apolstolorum & evangelistarum& sanctoruminnocentumqui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantarenovumetsanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorumet sanctarumvirginumatque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum DeiExcommunicamuset

vel os svel osanathematizamushunc furemvel huncsmalefactoremN. N. et a liminibus sanctae Dei ecclesiae sequestramusetaeternisvel i n

suppliciisexcruciandusmancipeturcum Dathan et Abiramet cum his quidixeruntDomino DeoRecede a nobisscientiam viarum tuarum nolumus:   etficut aquaignis extinguatur lu-vel eorumcerna ejusin secula seculorum nisi resque-n n 

ritet adsatisfactionem venerit.   Amen.osMaledicatillum Deus Pater qui homi-osnemcreavit.   Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.

MaledicatosillumSpiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo ef-osfususest.   Maledicat illum sancta cruxquam Christus pro nostrasalutehostemtriumphans ascendit.osMaledicatillum sancta Dei genetrix etosperpetuaVirgo Maria.   Maledicat illum sanctus Michaelanimarumsusceptorsa-oscrarum.  Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeliprincipatus etpotestatesomnisque militia coelestis.osMaledicatillum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus.  Maledicatosillumsanctus Johannes Praecursor et Baptista Christiet sanctus Petruset sanctusPaulusatque sanctus Andreasomnesque Christi apostolisimulet caeteridiscipuliquatuor quoque evangelistaequi sua praedicationemundumuniversum converte-osrunt.  Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificusqui Deobonisoperibus placitus inventus est.osMaledicantillum sacrarum virginum choriquae mundi vana causa honorisChristirespuenda contempserunt.   Male-osdicantillum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi Deodilectiinveniuntur.osMaledicantillum coeli et terraet omnia sancta in eis manentia.i n nMaledictussit ubicunquefueritsive in domosive in agrosive in viasive insemitasive in silvasive in aquasive in ecclesia.i  n

Maledictussit vivendomoriendo-manducandobibendoesuriendositiendojejunandodormitandodormiendovigilandoambulandostandosedendojacendooperandoquiescendomingendocacandoflebotomando.i  nMaledictussit in totis viribus corporis.i  nMaledictussit intus et exterius.i  n iMaledictussit in capillis; maledictusn   i  nsit incerebro.   Maledictus sit in verticein temporibusin fronteinauriculisin superciliisin oculisin genisin maxillisin naribusindentibusmordacibusin labris sive molibusin labiisin guttereinhumerisin harnisin brachiisin manubusin digitisin pectoreincordeetin omnibus interioribus stomacho tenusin renibusininguinibusin femorein genitalibusin coxisin genubusin cruribusinpedibuset in unguibus.

Maledictussit in totis compagibus membroruma vertice capitisusque adplantampedisnon sit in eo sanitas.

Maledicatillum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suae majestatis imperioetinsurgat adversus illum coelum cum omnibus virtutibus quae in eomoventurad damnandum eumnisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit.

Amen.  Fiatfiat.   Amen.

 ChapterXI.

'By theauthority of God Almightythe FatherSonand Holy Ghostand ofthe holycanonsand of the undefiled Virgin Marymother and patroness ofourSaviour. '  I think there is no necessityquoth Dr. Slopdropping thepaper downto his kneeand addressing himself to my fatheras you haveread itoverSirso latelyto read it aloudand as Captain Shandy seemsto have nogreat inclination to hear itI may as well read it to myself.

That'scontrary to treatyreplied my father: besidesthere is somethingsowhimsicalespecially in the latter part of itI should grieve tolosethepleasure of a second reading.   Dr. Slop did not altogether likeitbut myuncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistlingand readit himselfto them; Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under thecover ofmy uncle Toby's whistlingas suffer my uncle Toby to read italone; soraising up the paper to his faceand holding it quite parallelto itinorder to hide his chagrinhe read it aloud as followsmy uncleTobywhistling Lillabullerothough not quite so loud as before.

'By theauthority of God Almightythe FatherSonand Holy Ghostand oftheundefiled Virgin Marymother and patroness of our Saviourand ofallthecelestial virtuesangelsarchangelsthronesdominionspowerscherubinsand seraphinsand of all the holy patriarchsprophetsand ofall theapostles and evangelistsand of the holy innocentswho in thesight ofthe Holy Lambare found worthy to sing the new song of the holymartyrsand holy confessorsand of the holy virginsand of all the saintstogetherwith the holy and elect of GodMay he' [Obadiah] 'be damn'd'[for tyingthese knots] 'We excommunicateand anathematize himand fromthethresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester himthathemay betormenteddisposedand delivered over with Dathan and Abiramandwith thosewho say unto the Lord GodDepart from uswe desire none of thyways.  And as fire is quenched with waterso let the light of him be putout forevermoreunless it shall repent him' [Obadiahof the knots whichhe hastied] 'and make satisfaction' [for them] 'Amen.

'May theFather who created mancurse him. May the Son who suffered forus cursehim. May the Holy Ghostwho was given to us in baptismcursehim'[Obadiah] 'May the holy cross which Christfor our salvationtriumphingover his enemiesascendedcurse him.

'May theholy and eternal Virgin Marymother of Godcurse him. May St.Michaelthe advocate of holy soulscurse him. May all the angels andarchangelsprincipalities and powersand all the heavenly armiescursehim. ' [Our armies swore terribly in Flanderscried my uncle Tobybutnothing tothis. For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dogso. ]

'May St.Johnthe Praecursorand St. John the Baptistand St. Peter andSt. Pauland St. Andrewand all other Christ's apostlestogether cursehim.  And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelistswho by theirpreachingconverted the universal worldand may the holy and wonderfulcompany ofmartyrs and confessors who by their holy works are foundpleasingto God Almightycurse him' [Obadiah. ]

'May theholy choir of the holy virginswho for the honour of Christ havedespisedthe things of the worlddamn himMay all the saintswho fromthebeginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved ofGoddamnhimMay the heavens and earthand all the holy things remainingthereindamn him' [Obadiah] 'or her' [or whoever else had a hand intyingthese knots. ]

'May he[Obadiah] be damn'd wherever he bewhether in the house or thestablesthe garden or the fieldor the highwayor in the pathor in thewoodorin the wateror in the church. May he be cursed in livingindying. ' [Here my uncle Tobytaking the advantage of a minim in the secondbar of histunekept whistling one continued note to the end of thesentence. Dr.Slopwith his division of curses moving under himlike arunningbass all the way. ]   'May he be cursed in eating and drinkinginbeinghungryin being thirstyin fastingin sleepingin slumberinginwalkingin standingin sittingin lyingin workingin restinginpissingin shittingand in blood-letting!

'May he'[Obadiah] 'be cursed in all the faculties of his body!

'May he becursed inwardly and outwardly! May he be cursed in the hair ofhishead! May he be cursed in his brainsand in his vertex' [that is asad cursequoth my father] 'in his templesin his foreheadin his earsin hiseye-browsin his cheeksin his jaw-bonesin his nostrilsin hisfore-teethand grindersin his lipsin his throatin his shouldersinhiswristsin his armsin his handsin his fingers!

'May he bedamn'd in his mouthin his breastin his heart and purtenancedown tothe very stomach!

'May he becursed in his reinsand in his groin' [God in heaven forbid!quoth myuncle Toby] 'in his thighsin his genitals' [my father shook hishead] 'andin his hipsand in his kneeshis legsand feetand toe-nails!

'May he becursed in all the joints and articulations of the membersfromthe top ofhis head to the sole of his foot!   May there be no soundness inhim!

'May theson of the living Godwith all the glory of his Majesty' [Heremy uncleTobythrowing back his headgave a monstrouslongloud Whewwwsomethingbetwixt the interjectional whistle of Hay-day! and the worditself.

By thegolden beard of Jupiterand of Juno [if her majesty wore one] andby thebeards of the rest of your heathen worshipswhich by the bye was nosmallnumbersince what with the beards of your celestial godsand godsaerial andaquatickto say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-godsorof the celestial goddesses your wivesor of the infernalgoddessesyour whores and concubines [that is in case they wore them] allwhichbeardsas Varro tells meupon his word and honourwhen mustered uptogethermade no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Paganestablishment; everybeard of which claimed the rights and privileges ofbeingstroken and sworn byby all these beards together thenI vow andprotestthat of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the worldI would havegiven thebetter of themas freely as ever Cid Hamet offered histo havestood byand heard my uncle Toby's accompanyment.

'cursehim! 'continued Dr. Slop'and may heavenwith all the powerswhich movethereinrise up against himcurse and damn him' [Obadiah]'unless herepent and make satisfaction!   Amen.   So be itso be it.

Amen. '

I declarequoth my uncle Tobymy heart would not let me curse the devilhimselfwith so much bitterness. He is the father of cursesreplied Dr.Slop. So amnot Ireplied my uncle. But he is cursedand damn'dalreadyto all eternityreplied Dr. Slop.

I am sorryfor itquoth my uncle Toby.

Dr. Slopdrew up his mouthand was just beginning to return my uncle Tobythecompliment of his Whuuuor interjectional whistlewhen the doorhastilyopening in the next chapter but oneput an end to the affair.

 ChapterXII.

Now don'tlet us give ourselves a parcel of airsand pretend that theoaths wemake free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; andbecause wehave the spirit to swear themimagine that we have had the witto inventthem too.

I'llundertake this moment to prove it to any man in the worldexcept toaconnoisseur: thoughI declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing--as Iwould do to a connoisseur in painting& c. & c. the whole setof 'emare sohung round and befetish'd with the bobs and trinkets of criticismor to dropmy metaphorwhich by the bye is a pityfor I have fetch'd itas far asfrom the coast of Guiney; their headsSirare stuck so full ofrules andcompassesand have that eternal propensity to apply them uponalloccasionsthat a work of genius had better go to the devil at oncethan standto be prick'd and tortured to death by 'em.

And howdid Garrick speak the soliloquy last night? Ohagainst allrulemylordmost ungrammatically! betwixt the substantive and theadjectivewhich should agree together in numbercaseand genderhe madea breachthusstoppingas if the point wanted settling; and betwixt thenominativecasewhich your lordship knows should govern the verbhesuspendedhis voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and threefifths bya stop watchmy lordeach time. Admirable grammarian! But insuspendinghis voicewas the sense suspended likewise?   Did no expressionofattitude or countenance fill up the chasm? Was the eye silent?  Did younarrowlylook? I look'd only at the stop-watchmy lord. Excellentobserver!

And whatof this new book the whole world makes such a rout about? Oh!'tis outof all plumbmy lordquite an irregular thing! not one of theangles atthe four corners was a right angle. I had my rule and compasses& c. mylordin my pocket. Excellent critick!

And forthe epick poem your lordship bid me look atupon taking thelengthbreadthheightand depth of itand trying them at home upon anexactscale of Bossu's'tis outmy lordin every one of its dimensions. --Admirableconnoisseur!

And didyou step into take a look at the grand picture in your wayback? 'Tisa melancholy daub! my lord; not one principle of the pyramid inany onegroup! and what a price! for there is nothing of the colouring ofTitiantheexpression of Rubensthe grace of Raphaelthe purity ofDominichinothecorregiescity of Corregiothe learning of Poussintheairs ofGuidothe taste of the Carrachisor the grand contour of Angelo. --Grant mepatiencejust Heaven! Of all the cants which are canted in thiscantingworldthough the cant of hypocrites may be the worstthe cant ofcriticismis the most tormenting!

I would gofifty miles on footfor I have not a horse worth riding ontokiss thehand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins ofhisimagination into his author's handsbe pleased he knows not whyandcares notwherefore.

GreatApollo! if thou art in a giving humourgive meI ask no morebutone strokeof native humourwith a single spark of thy own fire along withitand sendMercurywith the rules and compassesif he can be sparedwith mycompliments tono matter.

Now to anyone else I will undertake to provethat all the oaths andimprecationswhich we have been puffing off upon the world for these twohundredand fifty years last past as originalsexcept St. Paul's thumbGod'sflesh and God's fishwhich were oaths monarchicalandconsideringwho madethemnot much amiss; and as kings oaths'tis not much matterwhetherthey were fish or flesh; else I saythere is not an oathor atleast acurse amongst themwhich has not been copied over and over againout ofErnulphus a thousand times:   butlike all other copieshowinfinitelyshort of the force and spirit of the original! it is thought tobe no badoathand by itself passes very well'G-d damn you. 'Set itbesideErnulphus's'God almighty the Father damn youGod the Son damnyouGod theHoly Ghost damn you'you see 'tis nothing. There is anorientalityin hiswe cannot rise up to:   besideshe is more copious inhisinventionpossess'd more of the excellencies of a swearerhad such athoroughknowledge of the human frameits membranesnervesligamentsknittingsof the jointsand articulationsthat when Ernulphus cursednopartescaped him. 'Tis true there is something of a hardness in hismannerandas in Michael Angeloa want of gracebut then there is suchagreatness of gusto!

My fatherwho generally look'd upon every thing in a light very differentfrom allmankindwouldafter allnever allow this to be an original. Heconsideredrather Ernulphus's anathemaas an institute of swearinginwhichashe suspectedupon the decline of swearing in some milderpontificateErnulphusby order of the succeeding popehad with greatlearningand diligence collected together all the laws of it; for the samereasonthat Justinianin the decline of the empirehad ordered hischancellorTribonian to collect the Roman or civil laws all together intoone codeor digestlestthrough the rust of timeand the fatality of allthingscommitted to oral traditionthey should be lost to the world forever.

For thisreason my father would oft-times affirmthere was not an oathfrom thegreat and tremendous oath of William the conqueror [By thesplendourof God] down to the lowest oath of a scavenger [Damn your eyes]which wasnot to be found in Ernulphus. In shorthe would addI defy aman toswear out of it.

Thehypothesis islike most of my father'ssingular and ingenious too;nor have Iany objection to itbut that it overturns my own.

 ChapterXIII.

Bless mysoul! my poor mistress is ready to faintand her pains aregoneandthe drops are doneand the bottle of julap is brokeand thenurse hascut her arm [and Imy thumbcried Dr. Slop] and the child iswhere itwascontinued Susannahand the midwife has fallen backwardsupon theedge of the fenderand bruised her hip as black as your hat.I'll lookat itquoth Dr Slop. There is no need of thatrepliedSusannahyouhad better look at my mistressbut the midwife would gladlyfirst giveyou an account how things areso desires you would go up stairsand speakto her this moment.

Humannature is the same in all professions.

Themidwife had just before been put over Dr. Slop's headHe had notdigestedit. Noreplied Dr. Slop'twould be full as proper if themidwifecame down to me. I like subordinationquoth my uncle Tobyandbut foritafter the reduction of LisleI know not what might have becomeof thegarrison of Ghentin the mutiny for breadin the year Ten. NorrepliedDr. Slop[parodying my uncle Toby's hobby-horsical reflection;thoughfull as hobby-horsical himself] do I knowCaptain Shandywhatmight havebecome of the garrison above stairsin the mutiny and confusionI find allthings are in at presentbut for the subordination of fingersand thumbsto. . . the application of whichSirunder this accident ofminecomes in so a proposthat without itthe cut upon my thumb mighthave beenfelt by the Shandy familyas long as the Shandy family had aname.

 ChapterXIV.

Let us goback to the. . . in the last chapter.

It is asingular stroke of eloquence [at least it was sowhen eloquenceflourishedat Athens and Romeand would be so nowdid orators wearmantles]not to mention the name of a thingwhen you had the thing aboutyou inpettoready to producepopin the place you want it.   A scaranaxeasworda pink'd doubleta rusty helmeta pound and a half of pot-ashes inan urnor a three-halfpenny pickle potbut above alla tenderinfantroyally accoutred. Tho' if it was too youngand the oration aslong asTully's second Philippickit must certainly have beshit theorator'smantle. And then againif too oldit must have been unwieldlyandincommodious to his actionso as to make him lose by his child almostas much ashe could gain by it. Otherwisewhen a state orator has hit thepreciseage to a minutehid his Bambino in his mantle so cunningly that nomortalcould smell itand produced it so criticallythat no soul couldsayitcame in by head and shouldersOh Sirs! it has done wondersIt hasopen'd thesluicesand turn'd the brainsand shook the principlesandunhingedthe politicks of half a nation.

Thesefeats however are not to be doneexcept in those states and timesIsaywhereorators wore mantlesand pretty large ones toomy brethrenwith sometwenty or five-and-twenty yards of good purplesuperfinemarketablecloth in themwith large flowing folds and doublesand in agreatstyle of design. All which plainly shewsmay it please yourworshipsthat the decay of eloquenceand the little good service it doesatpresentboth within and without doorsis owing to nothing else intheworldbutshort coatsand the disuse of trunk-hose. We can concealnothingunder oursMadamworth shewing.

 ChapterXV.

Dr. Slopwas within an ace of being an exception to all this argumentation:

forhappening to have his green baize bag upon his kneeswhen he begantoparody myuncle Toby'twas as good as the best mantle in the world to him:

for whichpurposewhen he foresaw the sentence would end in his new-inventedforcepshe thrust his hand into the bag in order to have themready toclap inwhen your reverences took so much notice of the. . .which hadhe managedmy uncle Toby had certainly been overthrown:   thesentenceand the argument in that case jumping closely in one pointsolike thetwo lines which form the salient angle of a ravelinDr. Slopwouldnever have given them up; and my uncle Toby would as soon havethought offlyingas taking them by force:   but Dr. Slop fumbled so vilelyin pullingthem outit took off the whole effectand what was a ten timesworse evil[for they seldom come alone in this life] in pulling out hisforcepshis forceps unfortunately drew out the squirt along with it.

When aproposition can be taken in two senses'tis a law in disputationThat therespondent may reply to which of the two he pleasesor finds mostconvenientfor him. This threw the advantage of the argument quite on myuncleToby's side. 'Good God! ' cried my uncle Toby'are children broughtinto theworld with a squirt? '

 ChapterXVI.

Upon myhonourSiryou have tore every bit of skin quite off the backof both myhands with your forcepscried my uncle Tobyand you havecrush'dall my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly.   'Tisyourown faultsaid Dr. Slopyou should have clinch'd your two fists togetherinto theform of a child's head as I told youand sat firm. I did soansweredmy uncle Toby. Then the points of my forceps have not beensufficientlyarm'dor the rivet wants closingor else the cut on my thumbhas mademe a little aukwardor possibly'Tis wellquoth my fatherinterruptingthe detail of possibilitiesthat the experiment was not firstmade uponmy child's head-piece. It would not have been a cherry-stone theworseanswered Dr. Slop. I maintain itsaid my uncle Tobyit would havebroke thecerebellum [unless indeed the skull had been as hard as agranado]and turn'd it all into a perfect posset. Pshaw! replied Dr. Slopa child'shead is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple; the suturesgivewayand besidesI could have extracted by the feet after. Not yousaid she. Irather wish you would begin that wayquoth my father.

Pray doadded my uncle Toby.

 ChapterXVII.

And praygood womanafter allwill you take upon you to sayit maynot be thechild's hipas well as the child's head? 'Tis most certainlythe headreplied the midwife.   Becausecontinued Dr. Slop [turning to myfather] aspositive as these old ladies generally are'tis a point verydifficultto knowand yet of the greatest consequence to be known;becauseSirif the hip is mistaken for the headthere is a possibility[if it isa boy] that the forceps. . . .

What thepossibility wasDr. Slop whispered very low to my fatherandthen to myuncle Toby. There is no such dangercontinued hewith thehead. Noin truth quoth my fatherbut when your possibility has takenplace atthe hipyou may as well take off the head too.

It ismorally impossible the reader should understand this'tis enoughDr. Slopunderstood it; so taking the green baize bag in his handwiththe helpof Obadiah's pumpshe tripp'd pretty nimblyfor a man of hissizeacross the room to the doorand from the door was shewn the waybythe goodold midwifeto my mother's apartments.

 ChapterXVIII.

It is twohoursand ten minutesand no morecried my fatherlooking athis watchsince Dr. Slop and Obadiah arrivedand I know not how ithappensBrother Tobybut to my imagination it seems almost an age.

HerepraySirtake hold of my capnaytake the bell along with itand mypantoufles too.

NowSirthey are all at your service; and I freely make you a present of'emoncondition you give me all your attention to this chapter.

Though myfather said'he knew not how it happen'd'yet he knew verywell howit happen'd; and at the instant he spoke itwas pre-determinedin hismind to give my uncle Toby a clear account of the matter by ametaphysicaldissertation upon the subject of duration and its simplemodesinorder to shew my uncle Toby by what mechanism and mensurations inthe brainit came to passthat the rapid succession of their ideasandtheeternal scampering of the discourse from one thing to anothersinceDr. Slophad come into the roomhad lengthened out so short a period to soinconceivablean extent. 'I know not how it happenscried my fatherbutit seemsan age. '

'Tis owingentirelyquoth my uncle Tobyto the succession of our ideas.

My fatherwho had an itchin common with all philosophersof reasoningupon everything which happenedand accounting for it tooproposedinfinitepleasure to himself in thisof the succession of ideasand hadnot theleast apprehension of having it snatch'd out of his hands by myuncleTobywho [honest man! ] generally took every thing as it happened;and whoof all things in the worldtroubled his brain the least withabstrusethinking; the ideas of time and spaceor how we came by thoseideasor ofwhat stuff they were madeor whether they were born with usor wepicked them up afterwards as we went alongor whether we did it infrocksornot till we had got into breecheswith a thousand otherinquiriesand disputes about Infinity PrescienceLibertyNecessityandso forthupon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so many fineheads havebeen turned and crackednever did my uncle Toby's the leastinjury atall; my father knew itand was no less surprized than he wasdisappointedwith my uncle's fortuitous solution.

Do youunderstand the theory of that affair? replied my father.

Not Iquoth my uncle.

But youhave some ideassaid my fatherof what you talk about?

No morethan my horsereplied my uncle Toby.

Graciousheaven! cried my fatherlooking upwardsand clasping his twohandstogetherthere is a worth in thy honest ignorancebrother Toby'twerealmost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge. But I'll tell thee.

Tounderstand what time is arightwithout which we never can comprehendinfinityinsomuch as one is a portion of the otherwe ought seriously tosit downand consider what idea it is we have of durationso as to give asatisfactoryaccount how we came by it. What is that to any body? quoth myuncleToby.   [Vide Locke. ]   For if you will turn your eyesinwards uponyour mindcontinued my fatherand observe attentivelyyou will perceivebrotherthat whilst you and I are talking togetherand thinkingandsmokingour pipesor whilst we receive successively ideas in our mindsweknow thatwe do existand so we estimate the existenceor thecontinuationof the existence of ourselvesor any thing elsecommensurateto thesuccession of any ideas in our mindsthe duration of ourselvesorany suchother thing co-existing with our thinkingand so according tothatpreconceivedYou puzzle me to deathcried my uncle Toby.

'Tis owingto thisreplied my fatherthat in our computations of timewe are soused to minuteshoursweeksand monthsand of clocks [I wishthere wasnot a clock in the kingdom] to measure out their several portionsto usandto those who belong to usthat 'twill be wellif in time tocomethesuccession of our ideas be of any use or service to us at all.

Nowwhether we observe it or nocontinued my fatherin every soundman'sheadthere is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or otherwhichfolloweach other in train just likeA train of artillery? said my uncleTobyAtrain of a fiddle-stick! quoth my fatherwhich follow and succeedoneanother in our minds at certain distancesjust like the images intheinside ofa lanthorn turned round by the heat of a candle. I declarequoth myuncle Tobymine are more like a smoke-jackThenbrother TobyI havenothing more to say to you upon that subjectsaid my father.

 ChapterXIX.

What aconjuncture was here lost! My father in one of his bestexplanatorymoodsin eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the veryregionswhere clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed itabout; myuncle Toby in one of the finest dispositions for it in theworld; hishead like a smoke-jack; the funnel unsweptand the ideaswhirlinground and round about in itall obfuscated and darkened over withfuliginousmatter! By the tomb-stone of Lucianif it is in beingif notwhy thenby his ashes! by the ashes of my dear Rabelaisand dearerCervantes! myfather and my uncle Toby's discourse upon Time and Eternity--was adiscourse devoutly to be wished for! and the petulancy of myfather'shumourin putting a stop to it as he didwas a robbery of theOntologicTreasury of such a jewelas no coalition of great occasions andgreat menare ever likely to restore to it again.

 ChapterXX.

Tho' myfather persisted in not going on with the discourseyet he couldnot get myuncle Toby's smoke-jack out of his headpiqued as he was atfirst withit; there was something in the comparison at the bottomwhichhit hisfancy; for which purposeresting his elbow upon the tableandrecliningthe right side of his head upon the palm of his handbut lookingfirststedfastly in the firehe began to commune with himselfandphilosophizeabout it:   but his spirits being wore out with the fatigues ofinvestigatingnew tractsand the constant exertion of his faculties uponthatvariety of subjects which had taken their turn in the discoursetheidea ofthe smoke jack soon turned all his ideas upside downso that hefellasleep almost before he knew what he was about.

As for myuncle Tobyhis smoke-jack had not made a dozen revolutionsbefore hefell asleep also. Peace be with them both! Dr. Slop is engagedwith themidwife and my mother above stairs. Trim is busy in turning anold pairof jack-boots into a couple of mortarsto be employed in thesiege ofMessina next summerand is this instant boring the touch-holeswith thepoint of a hot poker. All my heroes are off my hands; 'tis thefirst timeI have had a moment to spareand I'll make use of itand writemypreface.

 TheAuthor's PREFACE

NoI'llnot say a word about ithere it is; in publishing itI haveappealedto the worldand to the world I leave it; it must speak foritself.

All I knowof the matter iswhen I sat downmy intent was to write a goodbook; andas far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold outa wiseayeand adiscreettaking care onlyas I went alongto put into it allthe witand the judgment [be it more or less] which the great Author andBestowerof them had thought fit originally to give meso thatas yourworshipssee'tis just as God pleases.

NowAgalastes [speaking dispraisingly] sayethThat there may be some witin itforaught he knowsbut no judgment at all.   And Triptolemus andPhutatoriusagreeing theretoaskHow is it possible there should? forthat witand judgment in this world never go together; inasmuch as they aretwooperations differing from each other as wide as east from westSosaysLockeso are farting and hickupingsay I.   But in answer tothisDidius thegreat church lawyerin his code de fartendi et illustrandifallaciisdoth maintain and make fully appearThat an illustration is noargumentnordo I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be asyllogism; butyou allmay it please your worshipssee the better foritso thatthe main good these things do is only to clarify theunderstandingprevious to the application of the argument itselfin orderto free itfrom any little motesor specks of opacular matterwhichifleftswimming thereinmight hinder a conception and spoil all.

Nowmydear anti-Shandeansand thrice able criticksand fellow-labourers[for toyou I write this Preface] and to youmost subtle statesmen anddiscreetdoctors [dopull off your beards] renowned for gravity andwisdom; Monopolusmy politicianDidiusmy counsel; Kysarciusmyfriend; Phutatoriusmy guide; Gastripheresthe preserver of my life;Somnolentiusthe balm and repose of itnot forgetting all othersas wellsleepingas wakingecclesiastical as civilwhom for brevitybut out ofnoresentment to youI lump all together. Believe meright worthy

My mostzealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalfand in my own tooin casethe thing is not done already for usisthat the great gifts andendowmentsboth of wit and judgmentwith every thing which usually goesalong withthemsuch as memoryfancygeniuseloquencequick partsandwhat notmay this precious momentwithout stint or measurelet orhindrancebe poured down warm as each of us could bear itscum andsedimentand all [for I would not have a drop lost] into the severalreceptaclescellscellulesdomicilesdormitoriesrefectoriesandspareplaces of our brainsin such sortthat they might continue to beinjectedand tunn'd intoaccording to the true intent and meaning of mywishuntil every vessel of themboth great and smallbe so replenish'dsaturatedand filled up therewiththat no morewould it save a man'slifecould possibly be got either in or out.

Blessus! what noble work we should make! how should I tickle it off!and whatspirits should I find myself into be writing away for suchreaders! andyoujust heaven! with what raptures would you sit and read--butoh! 'tis too muchI am sickI faint away deliciously at thethoughtsof it'tis more than nature can bear! lay hold of meI amgiddyI amstone blindI'm dyingI am gone. Help!   Help!   Help! ButholdI growsomething better againfor I am beginning to foreseewhenthis isoverthat as we shall all of us continue to be great witsweshouldnever agree amongst ourselvesone day to an end: there would be somuchsatire and sarcasmscoffing and floutingwith raillying andreparteeingof itthrusting and parrying in one corner or anothertherewould benothing but mischief among usChaste stars! what biting andscratchingand what a racket and a clatter we should makewhat withbreakingof headsrapping of knucklesand hitting of sore placestherewould beno such thing as living for us.

But thenagainas we should all of us be men of great judgmentwe shouldmake upmatters as fast as ever they went wrong; and though we shouldabominateeach other ten times worse than so many devils or devilessesweshouldneverthelessmy dear creaturesbe all courtesy and kindnessmilkandhoney'twould be a second land of promisea paradise upon earthifthere wassuch a thing to be hadso that upon the whole we should havedone wellenough.

All I fretand fume atand what most distresses my invention at presentis how tobring the point itself to bear; for as your worships well knowthat ofthese heavenly emanations of wit and judgmentwhich I have sobountifullywished both for your worships and myselfthere is but acertainquantum stored up for us allfor the use and behoof of the wholerace ofmankind; and such small modicums of 'em are only sent forth intothis wideworldcirculating here and there in one bye corner or anotherand insuch narrow streamsand at such prodigious intervals from eachotherthat one would wonder how it holds outor could be sufficient forthe wantsand emergencies of so many great estatesand populous empires.

Indeedthere is one thing to be consideredthat in Nova ZemblaNorthLaplandand in all those cold and dreary tracks of the globewhich liemoredirectly under the arctick and antartick circleswhere the wholeprovinceof a man's concernments lies for near nine months together withinthe narrowcompass of his cavewhere the spirits are compressed almost tonothingandwhere the passions of a manwith every thing which belongs tothemareas frigid as the zone itselfthere the least quantity ofjudgmentimaginable does the businessand of witthere is a total and anabsolutesavingfor as not one spark is wantedso not one spark is given.

Angels andministers of grace defend us! what a dismal thing would it havebeen tohave governed a kingdomto have fought a battleor made a treatyor run amatchor wrote a bookor got a childor held a provincialchaptertherewith so plentiful a lack of wit and judgment about us!  Formercy'ssakelet us think no more about itbut travel on as fast as wecansouthwards into Norwaycrossing over Swedelandif you pleasethroughthe smalltriangular province of Angermania to the lake of Bothmia;coastingalong it through east and west Bothniadown to Careliaand soonthrough all those states and provinces which border upon the far sideof theGulf of Finlandand the north-east of the Baltickup toPetersbourgand just stepping into Ingria; then stretching over directlyfromthence through the north parts of the Russian empireleaving Siberiaa littleupon the left handtill we got into the very heart of Russian andAsiatickTartary.

Nowthrough this long tour which I have led youyou observe the goodpeople arebetter off by farthan in the polar countries which we havejustleft: for if you hold your hand over your eyesand look veryattentivelyyou may perceive some small glimmerings [as it were] of witwith acomfortable provision of good plain houshold judgmentwhichtakingthequality and quantity of it togetherthey make a very good shift withand hadthey more of either the one or the otherit would destroy theproperbalance betwixt themand I am satisfied moreover they would wantoccasionsto put them to use.

NowSirif I conduct you home again into this warmer and more luxuriantislandwhere you perceive the spring-tide of our blood and humours runshighwherewe have more ambitionand prideand envyand lecheryandotherwhoreson passions upon our hands to govern and subject to reasontheheight ofour witand the depth of our judgmentyou seeare exactlyproportionedto the length and breadth of our necessitiesand accordinglywe havethem sent down amongst us in such a flowing kind of decent andcreditableplentythat no one thinks he has any cause to complain.

It musthowever be confessed on this headthatas our air blows hot andcoldwetand dryten times in a daywe have them in no regular andsettledway; so that sometimes for near half a century togetherthereshall bevery little wit or judgment either to be seen or heard of amongstus: thesmall channels of them shall seem quite dried upthen all of asudden thesluices shall break outand take a fit of running again likefuryyouwould think they would never stop: and then it isthat inwritingand fightingand twenty other gallant thingswe drive all theworldbefore us.

It is bythese observationsand a wary reasoning by analogy in that kindofargumentative processwhich Suidas calls dialectick inductionthat Idraw andset up this position as most true and veritable;

That ofthese two luminaries so much of their irradiations are sufferedfrom timeto time to shine down upon usas hewhose infinite wisdom whichdispensesevery thing in exact weight and measureknows will just serve tolight uson our way in this night of our obscurity; so that your reverencesandworships now find outnor is it a moment longer in my power toconcealit fromyouThat the fervent wish in your behalf with which I set outwasno morethan the first insinuating How d'ye of a caressing prefacerstiflinghis readeras a lover sometimes does a coy mistressintosilence.  For alas! could this effusion of light have been as easilyprocuredas the exordium wished itI tremble to think how many thousandsfor itofbenighted travellers [in the learned sciences at least] musthavegroped and blundered on in the darkall the nights of their livesrunningtheir heads against postsand knocking out their brains withoutevergetting to their journies end; some falling with their nosesperpendicularlyinto sinksothers horizontally with their tails intokennels.  Here one half of a learned profession tilting full but againstthe otherhalf of itand then tumbling and rolling one over the other inthe dirtlike hogs. Here the brethren of another professionwho shouldhave runin opposition to each otherflying on the contrary like a flockof wildgeeseall in a row the same way. What confusion! what mistakes! --fiddlersand painters judging by their eyes and earsadmirable! trustingto thepassions excitedin an air sungor a story painted to the heartinstead ofmeasuring them by a quadrant.

In thefore-ground of this picturea statesman turning the politicalwheellike a brutethe wrong way roundagainst the stream of corruption--byHeaven! instead of with it.

In thiscornera son of the divine Esculapiuswriting a book againstpredestination;perhaps worsefeeling his patient's pulseinstead of hisapothecary'sabrother of the Faculty in the back-ground upon his knees intearsdrawingthe curtains of a mangled victim to beg his forgiveness;offering afeeinstead of taking one.

In thatspacious Halla coalition of the gownfrom all the bars of itdriving adamn'ddirtyvexatious cause before themwith all their mightand mainthe wrong way! kicking it out of the great doorsinstead ofinand withsuch fury in their looksand such a degree of inveteracy intheirmanner of kicking itas if the laws had been originally made for thepeace andpreservation of mankind: perhaps a more enormous mistakecommittedby them stilla litigated point fairly hung up; for instanceWhetherJohn o'Nokes his nose could stand in Tom o'Stiles his facewithoutatrespassor notrashly determined by them in five-and-twenty minuteswhichwith the cautious pros and cons required in so intricate aproceedingmight have taken up as many monthsand if carried on upon amilitaryplanas your honours know an Action should bewith all thestratagemspracticable thereinsuch as feintsforced marchessurprizesambuscadesmask-batteriesand a thousand other strokes ofgeneralshipwhich consist in catching at all advantages on both sidesmightreasonably have lasted them as many yearsfinding food and raimentall thatterm for a centumvirate of the profession.

As for theClergyNoif I say a word against themI'll be shot. I haveno desire;and besidesif I hadI durst not for my soul touch upon thesubjectwithsuch weak nerves and spiritsand in the condition I am in atpresent'twould be as much as my life was worthto deject and contristmyselfwith so bad and melancholy an accountand therefore 'tis safer todraw acurtain acrossand hasten from itas fast as I canto the mainandprincipal point I have undertaken to clear upand that isHow itcomes topassthat your men of least wit are reported to be men of mostjudgment. ButmarkI sayreported to befor it is no moremy dearSirsthana reportand whichlike twenty others taken up every day upontrustImaintain to be a vile and a malicious report into the bargain.

This bythe help of the observation already premisedand I hope alreadyweighedand perpended by your reverences and worshipsI shall forthwithmakeappear.

I hate setdissertationsand above all things in the world'tis one ofthesilliest things in one of themto darken your hypothesis by placinganumber oftallopake wordsone before anotherin a right linebetwixtyour ownand your reader's conceptionwhen in all likelihoodif you hadlookedaboutyou might have seen something standingor hanging upwhichwould havecleared the point at once'for what hindrancehurtor harmdoth thelaudable desire of knowledge bring to any manif even from a sota potafoola stoola winter-mittaina truckle for a pullythe lid ofagoldsmith's cruciblean oil bottlean old slipperor a canechair? 'Iam thismoment sitting upon one.   Will you give me leave to illustratethisaffair ofwit and judgmentby the two knobs on the top of the back of it? --they arefastened onyou seewith two pegs stuck slightly into twogimlet-holesand will place what I have to say in so clear a lightas tolet yousee through the drift and meaning of my whole prefaceas plainlyas ifevery point and particle of it was made up of sun-beams.

I enternow directly upon the point.

Herestands witand there stands judgmentclose beside itjust likethe twoknobs I'm speaking ofupon the back of this self-same chair onwhich I amsitting.

You seethey are the highest and most ornamental parts of its frameaswit andjudgment are of oursand like them tooindubitably both made andfitted togo togetherin orderas we say in all such cases of duplicatedembellishmentstoanswer one another.

Now forthe sake of an experimentand for the clearer illustrating thismatterletus for a moment take off one of these two curious ornaments [Icare notwhich] from the point or pinnacle of the chair it now stands onnaydon'tlaugh at itbut did you ever seein the whole course of yourlivessuch a ridiculous business as this has made of it? Why'tis asmiserablea sight as a sow with one ear; and there is just as much senseandsymmetry in the one as in the other: doprayget off your seats onlyto take aview of itNow would any man who valued his character a strawhaveturned a piece of work out of his hand in such a condition? naylayyour handsupon your heartsand answer this plain questionWhether thisone singleknobwhich now stands here like a blockhead by itselfcanserve anypurpose upon earthbut to put one in mind of the want of theother? andlet me farther askin case the chair was your ownif youwould notin your consciences thinkrather than be as it isthat it wouldbe tentimes better without any knob at all?

Now thesetwo knobsor top ornaments of the mind of manwhich crown thewholeentablaturebeingas I saidwit and judgmentwhich of all othersas I haveproved itare the most needfulthe most priz'dthe mostcalamitousto be withoutand consequently the hardest to come atfor allthesereasons put togetherthere is not a mortal among usso destitute ofa love ofgood fame or feedingor so ignorant of what will do him goodthereinwhodoes not wish and stedfastly resolve in his own mindto beor to bethought at leastmaster of the one or the otherand indeed ofboth ofthemif the thing seems any way feasibleor likely to be broughtto pass.

Now yourgraver gentry having little or no kind of chance in aiming at theoneunlessthey laid hold of the otherpray what do you think wouldbecome ofthem? WhySirsin spite of all their gravitiesthey must e'enhave beencontented to have gone with their insides nakedthis was not tobe bornebut by an effort of philosophy not to be supposed in the case weare uponsothat no one could well have been angry with themhad theybeensatisfied with what little they could have snatched up and secretedundertheir cloaks and great perriwigshad they not raised a hue and cryat thesame time against the lawful owners.

I need nottell your worshipsthat this was done with so much cunning andartificethatthe great Lockewho was seldom outwitted by false soundswasnevertheless bubbled here.   The cryit seemswas so deep andsolemn aoneandwhat with the help of great wigsgrave facesand otherimplementsof deceitwas rendered so general a one against the poor witsin thismatterthat the philosopher himself was deceived by itit was hisglory tofree the world from the lumber of a thousand vulgar errors; butthis wasnot of the number; so that instead of sitting down coollyas suchaphilosopher should have doneto have examined the matter of factbeforehephilosophised upon iton the contrary he took the fact for grantedandso joinedin with the cryand halloo'd it as boisterously as the rest.

This hasbeen made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever sincebut yourreverencesplainly seeit has been obtained in such a mannerthat thetitle toit is not worth a groat: which by-the-bye is one of the many andvileimpositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer forhereafter.

As forgreat wigsupon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind toofreelyIbeg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly said to theirdispraiseor prejudiceby one general declarationThat I have noabhorrencewhatevernor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or longbeardsany farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow onpurpose tocarry on this self-same imposturefor any purposepeace bewiththem! > mark onlywrite not for them.

 ChapterXXI.

Every dayfor at least ten years together did my father resolve to have itmended'tisnot mended yet; no family but ours would have borne with itan hourandwhat is most astonishingthere was not a subject in the worldupon whichmy father was so eloquentas upon that of door-hinges. And yetat thesame timehe was certainly one of the greatest bubbles to themIthinkthat history can produce:   his rhetorick and conduct were atperpetualhandy-cuffs. Never did the parlour-door openbut his philosophyor hisprinciples fell a victim to it; three drops of oil with a featherand asmart stroke of a hammerhad saved his honour for ever.

Inconsistentsoul that man is! languishing under woundswhich he hasthe powerto heal! his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge! hisreasonthat precious gift of God to him [instead of pouring in oil]servingbut to sharpen his sensibilitiesto multiply his painsand renderhim moremelancholy and uneasy under them! Poor unhappy creaturethat heshould doso! Are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enowbut hemust add voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow; struggle againstevilswhich cannot be avoidedand submit to otherswhich a tenth part ofthetrouble they create him would remove from his heart for ever?

By allthat is good and virtuousif there are three drops of oil to begotand ahammer to be found within ten miles of Shandy Hallthe parlourdoor hingeshall be mended this reign.

 ChapterXXII.

WhenCorporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bearhe was delightedwith hishandy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would beto hismaster to see themhe was not able to resist the desire he had ofcarryingthem directly into his parlour.

Now nextto the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair ofhingesIhad a speculative consideration arising out of itand it isthis.

Had theparlour door opened and turn'd upon its hingesas a door shoulddo

Or forexampleas cleverly as our government has been turning upon itsHinges[that isin case things have all along gone well with yourworshipotherwise I give up my simile] in this caseI saythere hadbeen nodanger either to master or manin corporal Trim's peeping in:  themoment hehad beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleeptherespectfulnessof his carriage was suchhe would have retired as silent asdeathandleft them both in their arm-chairsdreaming as happy as he hadfoundthem:   but the thing wasmorally speakingso veryimpracticablethat forthe many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out oforderandamongst the hourly grievances my father submitted to upon itsaccountthiswas one; that he never folded his arms to take his nap afterdinnerbut the thoughts of being unavoidably awakened by the first personwho shouldopen the doorwas always uppermost in his imaginationand soincessantlystepp'd in betwixt him and the first balmy presage of hisreposeasto rob himas he often declaredof the whole sweets of it.  'Whenthings move upon bad hingesan' please your lordshipshowcan it beotherwise? '

Praywhat's the matter?   Who is there? cried my fatherwakingthemomentthe doorbegan to creak. I wish the smith would give a peep at thatconfoundedhinge. 'Tis nothingan please your honoursaid Trimbut twomortars Iam bringing in. They shan't make a clatter with them herecriedmy fatherhastily. If Dr. Slop has any drugs to poundlet him do it inthekitchen. May it please your honourcried Trimthey are two mortar-pieces fora siege next summerwhich I have been making out of a pair ofjack-bootswhich Obadiah told me your honour had left off wearing. ByHeaven!cried my fatherspringing out of his chairas he sworeI havenot oneappointment belonging to mewhich I set so much store by as I doby thesejack-bootsthey were our great grandfather's brother Tobytheywerehereditary.   Then I fearquoth my uncle TobyTrim has cut offtheentail. Ihave only cut off the topsan' please your honourcried TrimI hateperpetuities as much as any man alivecried my fatherbut thesejack-bootscontinued he [smilingthough very angry at the same time] havebeen inthe familybrotherever since the civil wars; Sir Roger Shandywore themat the battle of Marston-Moor. I declare I would not have takenten poundsfor them. I'll pay you the moneybrother Shandyquoth myuncleTobylooking at the two mortars with infinite pleasureand puttinghis handinto his breeches pocket as he viewed themI'll pay you the tenpoundsthis moment with all my heart and soul.

BrotherTobyreplied my fatheraltering his toneyou care not what moneyyoudissipate and throw awayprovidedcontinued he'tis but upon aSiege. HaveI not one hundred and twenty pounds a yearbesides my halfpay? criedmy uncle Toby. What is thatreplied my father hastilyto tenpounds fora pair of jack-boots? twelve guineas for your pontoons? halfas muchfor your Dutch draw-bridge? to say nothing of the train of littlebrassartillery you bespoke last weekwith twenty other preparations forthe siegeof Messina:   believe medear brother Tobycontinued my fathertaking himkindly by the handthese military operations of yours are aboveyourstrength; you mean well brotherbut they carry you into greaterexpencesthan you were first aware of; and take my worddear Tobytheywill inthe end quite ruin your fortuneand make a beggar of you. Whatsignifiesit if they dobrotherreplied my uncle Tobyso long as we know'tis forthe good of the nation?

My fathercould not help smiling for his soulhis anger at the worst wasnever morethan a spark; and the zeal and simplicity of Trimand thegenerous[though hobby-horsical] gallantry of my uncle Tobybrought himintoperfect good humour with them in an instant.

Generoussouls! God prosper you bothand your mortar-pieces too! quoth myfather tohimself.

 ChapterXXIII.

All isquiet and hushcried my fatherat least above stairsI hear notone footstirring. Prithee Trimwho's in the kitchen?   There is no onesoul inthe kitchenanswered Trimmaking a low bow as he spokeexceptDr.Slop. Confusion! cried my father [getting upon his legs a secondtime] notone single thing has gone right this day! had I faith inastrologybrother[whichby the byemy father had] I would have swornsomeretrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mineandturningevery individual thing in it out of its place. WhyI thought Dr.Slop hadbeen above stairs with my wifeand so said you. What can thefellow bepuzzling about in the kitchen! He is busyan' please yourhonourreplied Trimin making a bridge. 'Tis very obliging in himquothmy uncleToby: praygive my humble service to Dr. SlopTrimand tellhim Ithank him heartily.

You mustknowmy uncle Toby mistook the bridgeas widely as my fathermistookthe mortars: but to understand how my uncle Toby could mistake thebridgeIfear I must give you an exact account of the road which led toit; or todrop my metaphor [for there is nothing more dishonest in anhistorianthan the use of one] in order to conceive the probability ofthis errorin my uncle Toby arightI must give you some account of anadventureof Trim'sthough much against my willI say much against mywillonlybecause the storyin one senseis certainly out of its placehere; forby right it should come ineither amongst the anecdotes of myuncleToby's amours with widow Wadmanin which corporal Trim was no meanactororelse in the middle of his and my uncle Toby's campaigns on thebowling-greenforit will do very well in either place; but then if Ireserve itfor either of those parts of my storyI ruin the story I'mupon; andif I tell it hereI anticipate mattersand ruin it there.

What wouldyour worship have me to do in this case?

Tell itMr Shandyby all means. You are a foolTristramif you do.

O yepowers! [for powers ye areand great ones too] which enable mortalman totell a story worth the hearingthat kindly shew himwhere he is tobeginitand where he is to end itwhat he is to put into itand what heis toleave outhow much of it he is to cast into a shadeand whereaboutshe is tothrow his light! Yewho preside over this vast empire ofbiographicalfreebootersand see how many scrapes and plunges yoursubjectshourly fall into; will you do one thing?

I beg andbeseech you [in case you will do nothing better for us] thatwhereverin any part of your dominions it so falls outthat three severalroads meetin one pointas they have done just herethat at least you setup aguide-post in the centre of themin mere charityto direct anuncertaindevil which of the three he is to take.

  ChapterXXIV.

Tho' theshock my uncle Toby received the year after the demolition ofDunkirkin his affair with widow Wadmanhad fixed him in a resolutionnever moreto think of the sexor of aught which belonged to it; yetcorporalTrim had made no such bargain with himself.   Indeed in my uncleToby'scase there was a strange and unaccountable concurrence ofcircumstanceswhich insensibly drew him into lay siege to that fair andstrongcitadel. In Trim's case there was a concurrence of nothing in theworldbutof him and Bridget in the kitchen; though in truththe loveandveneration he bore his master was suchand so fond was he ofimitatinghim in allhe didthat had my uncle Toby employed his time and genius intagging ofpointsI am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid downhis armsand followed his example with pleasure.   When therefore my uncleToby satdown before the mistresscorporal Trim incontinently took groundbefore themaid.

Nowmydear friend Garrickwhom I have so much cause to esteem andhonour [whyor wherefore'tis no matter] can it escape yourpenetrationIdefy itthat so many play-wrightsand opificers of chit-chat haveever since been working upon Trim's and my uncle Toby's pattern. --I carenot what Aristotleor Pacuviusor Bossuor Ricaboni say [thoughI neverread one of them] there is not a greater difference between asingle-horsechair and madam Pompadour's vis-a-vis; than betwixt a singleamourandan amour thus nobly doubledand going upon all fourprancingthroughouta grand dramaSira simplesinglesilly affair of that kind--is quitelost in five actsbut that is neither here nor there.

After aseries of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on myuncleToby's quartera most minute account of every particular of whichshall begiven in its proper placemy uncle Tobyhonest man! found itnecessaryto draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly.

CorporalTrimas I saidhad made no such bargain either with himselforwith anyone elsethe fidelity however of his heart not suffering him togo into ahouse which his master had forsaken with disgusthe contentedhimselfwith turning his part of the siege into a blockade; that ishekeptothers off; for though he never after went to the houseyet he nevermetBridget in the villagebut he would either nod or winkor smileorlookkindly at heror [as circumstances directed] he would shake her bythe handorask her lovingly how she didor would give her a ribbonandnow-and-thenthough never but when it could be done with decorumwouldgiveBridget a. . .

Preciselyin this situationdid these things stand for five years; that isfrom thedemolition of Dunkirk in the year 13to the latter end of myuncleToby's campaign in the year 18which was about six or seven weeksbefore thetime I'm speaking of. When Trimas his custom wasafter hehad put myuncle Toby to bedgoing down one moon-shiny night to see thateverything was right at his fortificationsin the lane separated from thebowling-greenwith flowering shrubs and hollyhe espied his Bridget.

As thecorporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worthshewing asthe glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had madeTrimcourteouslyand gallantly took her by the handand led her in: this wasnot doneso privatelybut that the foul-mouth'd trumpet of Fame carried itfrom earto eartill at length it reach'd my father'swith this untowardcircumstancealong with itthat my uncle Toby's curious draw-bridgeconstructedand painted after the Dutch fashionand which went quiteacross theditchwas broke downand somehow or other crushed all topiecesthat very night.

My Fatheras you have observedhad no great esteem for my uncle Toby'shobby-horse;he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever gentlemanmounted;and indeed unless my uncle Toby vexed him about itcould neverthink ofit oncewithout smiling at itso that it could never get lame orhappen anymischancebut it tickled my father's imagination beyondmeasure;but this being an accident much more to his humour than any onewhich hadyet befall'n itit proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainmenttohimWellbut dear Toby! my father would saydo tell me seriously howthisaffair of the bridge happened. How can you teaze me so much about it?my uncleToby would replyI have told it you twenty timesword for wordas Trimtold it me. Pritheehow was it thencorporal? my father wouldcryturning to Trim. It was a mere misfortunean' please your honour; Iwasshewing Mrs. Bridget our fortificationsand in going too near theedgeof thefosseI unfortunately slipp'd inVery wellTrim! my father wouldcry [smilingmysteriouslyand giving a nodbut without interruptinghim] andbeing link'd fastan' please your honourarm in arm with Mrs.BridgetIdragg'd her after meby means of which she fell backwards sossagainstthe bridgeand Trim's foot [my uncle Toby would crytaking thestory outof his mouth] getting into the cuvettehe tumbled full againstthe bridgetoo. It was a thousand to onemy uncle Toby would addthatthe poorfellow did not break his leg. Ay trulymy father would sayalimb issoon brokebrother Tobyin such encounters. And soan' pleaseyourhonourthe bridgewhich your honour knows was a very slight onewasbroke downbetwixt usand splintered all to pieces.

At othertimesbut especially when my uncle Toby was so unfortunate as tosay asyllable about cannonsbombsor petardsmy father would exhaustall thestores of his eloquence [which indeed were very great] in apanegyricupon the Battering-Rams of the ancientsthe Vinea whichAlexandermade use of at the siege of Troy. He would tell my uncle Toby oftheCatapultae of the Syrianswhich threw such monstrous stones so manyhundredfeetand shook the strongest bulwarks from their very foundation: --he wouldgo on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the Ballista whichMarcellinusmakes so much rout about! the terrible effects of thePyraboliwhich cast fire; the danger of the Terebra and Scorpiowhichcastjavelins. But what are thesewould he sayto the destructivemachineryof corporal Trim? Believe mebrother Tobyno bridgeorbastionor sally-portthat ever was constructed in this worldcan holdoutagainst such artillery.

My uncleToby would never attempt any defence against the force of thisridiculebut that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe; indoingwhichhe raised so dense a vapour one night after supperthat itset myfatherwho was a little phthisicalinto a suffocating fit ofviolentcoughing:   my uncle Toby leap'd up without feeling the pain uponhisgroinandwith infinite pitystood beside his brother's chairtappinghis back with one handand holding his head with the otherandfrom timeto time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchiefwhichhe pulledout of his pocket. The affectionate and endearing manner inwhich myuncle Toby did these little officescut my father thro' hisreinsforthe pain he had just been giving him. May my brains be knock'dout with abattering-ram or a catapultaI care not whichquoth my fathertohimselfif ever I insult this worthy soul more!

 ChapterXXV.

Thedraw-bridge being held irreparableTrim was ordered directly to setaboutanotherbut not upon the same model:   for cardinal Alberoni'sintriguesat that time being discoveredand my uncle Toby rightlyforeseeingthat a flame would inevitably break out betwixt Spain and theEmpireand that the operations of the ensuing campaign must in alllikelihoodbe either in Naples or Sicilyhe determined upon an Italianbridge [myuncle Tobyby-the-byewas not far out of his conjectures]but myfatherwho was infinitely the better politicianand took the leadas far ofmy uncle Toby in the cabinetas my uncle Toby took it of him inthefieldconvinced himthat if the king of Spain and the Emperor wenttogetherby the earsEngland and France and Holland mustby force oftheirpre-engagementsall enter the lists too; and if sohe would saythecombatantsbrother Tobyas sure as we are alivewill fall to itagainpell-mellupon the old prize-fighting stage of Flanders; then whatwill youdo with your Italian bridge?

We will goon with it then upon the old modelcried my uncle Toby.

Whencorporal Trim had about half finished it in that stylemy uncle Tobyfound outa capital defect in itwhich he had never thoroughly consideredbefore.  It turnedit seemsupon hinges at both ends of itopening inthemiddleone half of which turning to one side of the fosseand theother tothe other; the advantage of which was thisthat by dividing theweight ofthe bridge into two equal portionsit impowered my uncle Toby toraise itup or let it down with the end of his crutchand with one handwhichashis garrison was weakwas as much as he could well sparebutthedisadvantages of such a construction were insurmountable; for by thismeanshewould sayI leave one half of my bridge in my enemy'spossessionandpray of what use is the other?

Thenatural remedy for this wasno doubtto have his bridge fast onlyatone endwith hingesso that the whole might be lifted up togetherandstand boltuprightbut that was rejected for the reason given above.

For awhole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of thatparticularconstruction which is made to draw back horizontallyto hindera passage;and to thrust forwards again to gain a passageof which sortsyourworship might have seen three famous ones at Spires before itsdestructionandone now at Brisacif I mistake not; but my fatheradvisingmy uncle Tobywith great earnestnessto have nothing more to dowiththrusting bridgesand my uncle foreseeing moreover that it would butperpetuatethe memory of the Corporal's misfortunehe changed his mind forthat ofthe marquis d'Hopital's inventionwhich the younger Bernouilli hasso welland learnedly describedas your worships may seeAct. Erud. Lips.an. 1695tothese a lead weight is an eternal balanceand keeps watch aswell as acouple of centinelsinasmuch as the construction of them was acurve lineapproximating to a cycloidif not a cycloid itself.

My uncleToby understood the nature of a parabola as well as any man inEnglandbutwas not quite such a master of the cycloid; he talked howeverabout itevery daythe bridge went not forwards. We'll ask somebody aboutitcriedmy uncle Toby to Trim.

 ChapterXXVI.

When Trimcame in and told my fatherthat Dr. Slop was in the kitchenandbusy inmaking a bridgemy uncle Tobythe affair of the jack-boots havingjust thenraised a train of military ideas in his braintook it instantlyforgranted that Dr. Slop was making a model of the marquis d'Hopital'sbridge. 'tisvery obliging in himquoth my uncle Toby; pray give myhumbleservice to Dr. SlopTrimand tell him I thank him heartily.

Had myuncle Toby's head been a Savoyard's boxand my father peeping inall thetime at one end of itit could not have given him a more distinctconceptionof the operations of my uncle Toby's imaginationthan what hehad; sonotwithstanding the catapulta and battering-ramand his bitterimprecationabout themhe was just beginning to triumph

WhenTrim's answerin an instanttore the laurel from his browsandtwisted itto pieces.

 ChapterXXVII.

Thisunfortunate draw-bridge of yoursquoth my fatherGod bless yourhonourcried Trim'tis a bridge for master's nose. In bringing him intothe worldwith his vile instrumentshe has crushed his noseSusannahsaysasflat as a pancake to his faceand he is making a false bridgewith apiece of cotton and a thin piece of whalebone out of Susannah'sstaystoraise it up.

Lead mebrother Tobycried my fatherto my room this instant.

 ChapterXXVIII.

From thefirst moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of theworldandmy opinions for its instructionhas a cloud insensibly beengatheringover my father. A tide of little evils and distresses has beensetting inagainst him. Not one thingas he observed himselfhas goneright:  and now is the storm thicken'd and going to breakand pour downfull uponhis head.

I enterupon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy frameof mindthat ever sympathetic breast was touched with. My nerves relax asI tellit. Every line I writeI feel an abatement of the quickness of mypulseandof that careless alacrity with itwhich every day of my lifeprompts meto say and write a thousand things I should notAnd this momentthat Ilast dipp'd my pen into my inkI could not help taking notice whata cautiousair of sad composure and solemnity there appear'd in my mannerof doingit. Lord! how different from the rash jerks and hair-brain'dsquirtsthou art wontTristramto transact it with in other humoursdroppingthy penspurting thy ink about thy table and thy booksas if thypen andthy inkthy books and furniture cost thee nothing!

 ChapterXXIX.

I won't goabout to argue the point with you'tis soand I am persuadedof itmadamas much as can be'That both man and woman bear pain orsorrow[andfor aught I knowpleasure too] best in a horizontalposition. '

The momentmy father got up into his chamberhe threw himself prostrateacross hisbed in the wildest disorder imaginablebut at the same time inthe mostlamentable attitude of a man borne down with sorrowsthat everthe eye ofpity dropp'd a tear for. The palm of his right handas he fellupon thebedreceiving his foreheadand covering the greatest part ofboth hiseyesgently sunk down with his head [his elbow giving waybackwards]till his nose touch'd the quilt; his left arm hung insensibleover theside of the bedhis knuckles reclining upon the handle of thechamber-potwhich peep'd out beyond the valancehis right leg [his leftbeingdrawn up towards his body] hung half over the side of the bedtheedge of itpressing upon his shin boneHe felt it not.   A fix'dinflexiblesorrow took possession of every line of his face. He sigh'donceheavedhis breast oftenbut uttered not a word.

An oldset-stitch'd chairvalanced and fringed around with party colouredworstedbobsstood at the bed's headopposite to the side where myfather'shead reclined. My uncle Toby sat him down in it.

Before anaffliction is digestedconsolation ever comes too soon; andafter itis digestedit comes too late:   so that you seemadamthere isbut a markbetween these twoas fine almost as a hairfor a comforter totake aimat: my uncle Toby was always either on this sideor on that ofitandwould often sayhe believed in his heart he could as soon hit thelongitude;for this reasonwhen he sat down in the chairhe drew thecurtain alittle forwardsand having a tear at every one's servicehepull'd outa cambrick handkerchiefgave a low sighbut held his peace.

 ChapterXXX.

'All isnot gain that is got into the purse. 'So that notwithstanding myfather hadthe happiness of reading the oddest books in the universeandhadmoreoverin himselfthe oddest way of thinking that ever man in itwasbless'd withyet it had this drawback upon him after allthat it laidhim opento some of the oddest and most whimsical distresses; of which thisparticularonewhich he sunk under at presentis as strong an example ascan begiven.

No doubtthe breaking down of the bridge of a child's noseby the edge ofa pair offorcepshowever scientifically appliedwould vex any man in theworldwhowas at so much pains in begetting a childas my father wasyetit willnot account for the extravagance of his afflictionnor will itjustifythe un-christian manner he abandoned and surrendered himself up to.

To explainthisI must leave him upon the bed for half an hourand myuncle Tobyin his old fringed chair sitting beside him.

 ChapterXXXI.

I think ita very unreasonable demandcried my great-grandfathertwistingup the paperand throwing it upon the table. By this accountmadamyouhave but two thousand pounds fortuneand not a shilling moreand youinsist upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it.

'Because'replied my great-grandmother'you have little or no noseSir. '

Now beforeI venture to make use of the word Nose a second timeto avoidallconfusion in what will be said upon itin this interesting part ofmystoryitmay not be amiss to explain my own meaningand definewith allpossibleexactness and precisionwhat I would willingly be understood tomean bythe term:   being of opinionthat 'tis owing to the negligenceandperversenessof writers in despising this precautionand to nothing elsethat allthe polemical writings in divinity are not as clear anddemonstrativeas those upon a Will o' the Wispor any other sound part ofphilosophyand natural pursuit; in order to whichwhat have you to dobefore youset outunless you intend to go puzzling on to the day ofjudgmentbutto give the world a good definitionand stand to itof themain wordyou have most occasion forchanging itSiras you would aguineainto small coin? which donelet the father of confusion puzzleyouif hecan; or put a different idea either into your heador yourreader'sheadif he knows how.

In booksof strict morality and close reasoningsuch as I am engaged intheneglect is inexcusable; and Heaven is witnesshow the world hasrevengeditself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocalstricturesandfor depending so much as I have doneall alongupon thecleanlinessof my readers imaginations.

Here aretwo sensescried Eugeniusas we walk'd alongpointing withthe forefinger of his right hand to the word Crevicein the one hundredandseventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book of bookshereare twosensesquoth he. And here are two roadsreplied Iturning shortupon himadirty and a clean onewhich shall we take? The cleanby allmeansreplied Eugenius.   Eugeniussaid Istepping before himandlayingmy handupon his breastto defineis to distrust. Thus I triumph'd overEugenius;but I triumph'd over him as I always dolike a fool. 'Tis mycomforthoweverI am not an obstinate one:   therefore

I define anose as followsintreating only beforehandand beseeching myreadersboth male and femaleof what agecomplexionand conditionsoeverfor the love of God and their own soulsto guard against thetemptationsand suggestions of the deviland suffer him by no art or wileto put anyother ideas into their mindsthan what I put into mydefinitionForby the word Nosethroughout all this long chapter ofnosesandin every other part of my workwhere the word Nose occursIdeclareby that word I mean a noseand nothing moreor less.

 ChapterXXXII.

'Because'quoth my great grandmotherrepeating the words again'youhavelittle or no noseSir. '

S'death!cried my great-grandfatherclapping his hand upon his nose'tisnot sosmall as that comes to; 'tis a full inch longer than my father's.Nowmygreat-grandfather's nose was for all the world like unto the nosesof all themenwomenand childrenwhom Pantagruel found dwelling uponthe islandof Ennasin. By the wayif you would know the strange way ofgettinga-kin amongst so flat-nosed a peopleyou must read the book; findit outyourselfyou never can.

'TwasshapedSirlike an ace of clubs.

'Tis afull inchcontinued my grandfatherpressing up the ridge of hisnose withhis finger and thumb; and repeating his assertion'tis a fullinchlongermadamthan my father'sYou must mean your uncle'srepliedmygreat-grandmother.

Mygreat-grandfather was convinced. He untwisted the paperand signedthearticle.

 ChapterXXXIII.

What anunconscionable jointuremy deardo we pay out of this smallestate ofoursquoth my grandmother to my grandfather.

My fatherreplied my grandfatherhad no more nosemy dearsaving themarkthanthere is upon the back of my hand.

Nowyoumust knowthat my great-grandmother outlived my grandfathertwelveyears; so that my father had the jointure to paya hundred andfiftypounds half-yearly [on Michaelmas and Lady-day] during all thattime.

No mandischarged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than myfather. Andas far as a hundred pounds wenthe would fling it upon thetableguinea by guineawith that spirited jerk of an honest welcomewhichgenerous soulsand generous souls onlyare able to fling downmoney:  but as soon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fiftyhe generallygave aloud Hem! rubb'd the side of his nose leisurely with the flat partof hisfore fingerinserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and thecawl ofhis wiglook'd at both sides of every guinea as he parted with it--andseldom could get to the end of the fifty poundswithout pulling outhishandkerchiefand wiping his temples.

Defend megracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make noallowancesfor these workings within us. NeverO never may I lay down intheirtentswho cannot relax the engineand feel pity for the force ofeducationand the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors!

For threegenerations at least this tenet in favour of long noses hadgraduallybeen taking root in our family. Tradition was all along on itssideandInterest was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; sothat thewhimsicality of my father's brain was far from having the wholehonour ofthisas it had of almost all his other strange notions. For ina greatmeasure he might be said to have suck'd this in with his mother'smilk.  He did his part however. If education planted the mistake [in caseit wasone] my father watered itand ripened it to perfection.

He wouldoften declarein speaking his thoughts upon the subjectthat hedid notconceive how the greatest family in England could stand it outagainst anuninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses. And forthecontrary reasonhe would generally addThat it must be one of thegreatestproblems in civil lifewhere the same number of long and jollynosesfollowing one another in a direct linedid not raise and hoist itup intothe best vacancies in the kingdom. He would often boast that theShandyfamily rank'd very high in king Harry the VIIIth's timebut owedits riseto no state enginehe would saybut to that only; but thatlike otherfamilieshe would addit had felt the turn of the wheelandhad neverrecovered the blow of my great-grandfather's nose. It was an aceof clubsindeedhe would cryshaking his headand as vile a one for anunfortunatefamily as ever turn'd up trumps.

Fair andsoftlygentle reader! where is thy fancy carrying thee! Ifthere istruth in manby my great-grandfather's noseI mean the externalorgan ofsmellingor that part of man which stands prominent in his faceand whichpainters sayin good jolly noses and well-proportioned facesshouldcomprehend a full thirdthat ismeasured downwards from thesetting onof the hair.

What alife of it has an authorat this pass!

 ChapterXXXIV.

It is asingular blessingthat nature has form'd the mind of man with thesame happybackwardness and renitency against convictionwhich is observedin olddogs'of not learning new tricks. '

What ashuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that everexisted bewhisk'd into at oncedid he read such booksand observe suchfactsandthink such thoughtsas would eternally be making him changesides!

Nowmyfatheras I told you last yeardetested all thisHe pick'd up anopinionSiras a man in a state of nature picks up an apple. It becomeshis ownandif he is a man of spirithe would lose his life rather thangive itup.

I am awarethat Didiusthe great civilianwill contest this point; andcry outagainst meWhence comes this man's right to this apple? exconfessohe will saythings were in a state of natureThe appleis asmuchFrank's apple as John's.   PrayMr. Shandywhat patent has heto shewfor it?and how did it begin to be his? was itwhen he set his heart uponit? orwhen he gathered it? or when he chew'd it? or when he roasted it? orwhen hepeel'dor when he brought it home? or when he digested? or whenhe? For'tis plainSirif the first picking up of the applemade itnothisthat no subsequent act could.

BrotherDidiusTribonius will answer [now Tribonius the civilian andchurchlawyer's beard being three inches and a half and three eighthslongerthan Didius his beardI'm glad he takes up the cudgels for meso Igivemyself no farther trouble about the answer. ] Brother DidiusTriboniuswill sayit is a decreed caseas you may find it in thefragmentsof Gregorius and Hermogines's codesand in all the codes fromJustinian'sdown to the codes of Louis and Des EauxThat the sweat of aman'sbrowsand the exsudations of a man's brainsare as much a man's ownpropertyas the breeches upon his backside; which said exsudations& c.beingdropp'd upon the said apple by the labour of finding itand pickingit up; andbeing moreover indissolubly wastedand as indissolubly annex'dby thepicker upto the thing pick'd upcarried homeroastedpeel'deatendigestedand so on; 'tis evident that the gatherer of the applein sodoinghas mix'd up something which was his ownwith the apple whichwas nothis ownby which means he has acquired a property; orin otherwordstheapple is John's apple.

By thesame learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all hisopinions;he had spared no pains in picking them upand the more they layout of thecommon waythe better still was his title. No mortal claimedthem; theyhad cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digesting asin thecase aboveso that they might well and truly be said to be of hisown goodsand chattels. Accordingly he held fast by 'emboth by teeth andclawswouldfly to whatever he could lay his hands onandin a wordwouldintrench and fortify them round with as many circumvallations andbreast-worksas my uncle Toby would a citadel.

There wasone plaguy rub in the way of thisthe scarcity of materials tomake anything of a defence within case of a smart attack; inasmuch asfew men ofgreat genius had exercised their parts in writing books upon thesubject ofgreat noses:   by the trotting of my lean horsethe thing isincredible!and I am quite lost in my understandingwhen I am consideringwhat atreasure of precious time and talents together has been wasted uponworsesubjectsand how many millions of books in all languages and in allpossibletypes and bindingshave been fabricated upon points not half somuchtending to the unity and peace-making of the world.   What was tobehadhoweverhe set the greater store by; and though my father would oft-timessport with my uncle Toby's librarywhichby-the-byewas ridiculousenoughyetat the very same time he did ithe collected every book andtreatisewhich had been systematically wrote upon noseswith as much careas myhonest uncle Toby had done those upon military architecture. 'Tistrueamuch less table would have held thembut that was not thytransgressionmy dear uncle.

Herebutwhy hererather than in any other part of my storyI am notable totell: but here it ismy heart stops me to pay to theemy dearuncleTobyonce for allthe tribute I owe thy goodness. Here let methrust mychair asideand kneel down upon the groundwhilst I am pouringforth thewarmest sentiment of love for theeand veneration for theexcellencyof thy characterthat ever virtue and nature kindled in anephew'sbosom. Peace and comfort rest for evermore upon thy head! Thouenviedstno man's comfortsinsultedst no man's opinionsThou blackenedstno man'scharacterdevouredst no man's bread:   gentlywith faithful Trimbehindtheedidst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasuresjostlingno creature in thy way: for each one's sorrowsthou hadst atearforeach man's needthou hadst a shilling.

Whilst Iam worth oneto pay a weederthy path from thy door to thybowling-greenshall never be grown up. Whilst there is a rood and a halfof land inthe Shandy familythy fortificationsmy dear uncle Tobyshallnever bedemolish'd.

 ChapterXXXV.

Myfather's collection was not greatbut to make amendsit wascurious;andconsequently he was some time in making it; he had the great goodfortuneheweverto set off wellin getting Bruscambille's prologue uponlongnosesalmost for nothingfor he gave no more for Bruscambille thanthreehalf-crowns; owing indeed to the strong fancy which the stall-man sawmy fatherhad for the book the moment he laid his hands upon it. There arenot threeBruscambilles in Christendomsaid the stall-manexcept what arechain'd upin the libraries of the curious.   My father flung down the moneyas quickas lightningtook Bruscambille into his bosomhied home fromPiccadillyto Coleman-street with itas he would have hied home with atreasurewithout taking his hand once off from Bruscambille all the way.

To thosewho do not yet know of which gender Bruscambille isinasmuch as aprologueupon long noses might easily be done by either'twill be noobjectionagainst the simileto sayThat when my father got homehesolacedhimself with Bruscambille after the manner in which'tis ten tooneyourworship solaced yourself with your first mistressthat isfrommorningeven unto night:   whichby-the-byehow delightful soever itmayprove tothe inamoratois of little or no entertainment at all to by-standers. TakenoticeI go no farther with the similemy father's eyewasgreater than his appetitehis zeal greater than his knowledgehecool'dhisaffections became dividedhe got hold of PrignitzpurchasedScroderusAndrea ParaeusBouchet's Evening Conferencesand above allthe greatand learned Hafen Slawkenbergius; of whichas I shall have muchto sayby-and-byeI will say nothing now.

 ChapterXXXVI.

Of all thetracts my father was at the pains to procure and study insupport ofhis hypothesisthere was not any one wherein he felt a morecrueldisappointment at firstthan in the celebrated dialogue betweenPamphagusand Cocleswritten by the chaste pen of the great and venerableErasmusupon the various uses and seasonable applications of long noses.Now don'tlet Satanmy dear girlin this chaptertake advantage of anyone spotof rising ground to get astride of your imaginationif you canany wayshelp it; or if he is so nimble as to slip onlet me beg of youlike anunback'd fillyto frisk itto squirt itto jump itto rear itto bounditand to kick itwith long kicks and short kickstill likeTickletoby'smareyou break a strap or a crupperand throw his worshipinto thedirt. You need not kill him.

And praywho was Tickletoby's mare? 'tis just as discreditable andunscholar-likea questionSiras to have asked what year [ab. urb. con. ]the secondPunic war broke out. Who was Tickletoby's mare! Readreadreadreadmy unlearned reader! reador by the knowledge of the greatsaintParaleipomenonI tell you before-handyou had better throw down thebook atonce; for without much readingby which your reverence knows Imean muchknowledgeyou will no more be able to penetrate the moral of thenextmarbled page [motley emblem of my work! ] than the world with all itssagacityhas been able to unravel the many opinionstransactionsandtruthswhich still lie mystically hid under the dark veil of the black one.

 ChapterXXXVII.

'Nihil mepaenitet hujus nasi' quoth Pamphagus; that is'My nose hasbeen themaking of me. ''Nec est cur poeniteat' replies Cocles; that is'How theduce should such a nose fail? '

Thedoctrineyou seewas laid down by Erasmusas my father wished itwith theutmost plainness; but my father's disappointment wasin findingnothingmore from so able a penbut the bare fact itself; without any ofthatspeculative subtilty or ambidexterity of argumentation upon itwhichHeaven hadbestow'd upon man on purpose to investigate truthand fight forher on allsides. My father pish'd and pugh'd at first most terribly'tisworthsomething to have a good name.   As the dialogue was of Erasmusmyfathersoon came to himselfand read it over and over again with greatapplicationstudying every word and every syllable of it thro' and thro'in itsmost strict and literal interpretationhe could still make nothingof itthat way.   Mayhap there is more meantthan is said in itquothmyfather. Learnedmenbrother Tobydon't write dialogues upon long nosesfornothing. I'll study the mystick and the allegorick sensehere is someroom toturn a man's self inbrother.

My fatherread on.

Now I findit needful to inform your reverences and worshipsthat besidesthe manynautical uses of long noses enumerated by Erasmusthe dialogistaffirmeththat a long nose is not without its domestic conveniences also;for thatin a case of distressand for want of a pair of bellowsit willdoexcellently wellad ixcitandum focum [to stir up the fire. ]

Nature hadbeen prodigal in her gifts to my father beyond measureand hadsown theseeds of verbal criticism as deep within himas she had done theseeds ofall other knowledgeso that he had got out his penknifeand wastryingexperiments upon the sentenceto see if he could not scratch somebettersense into it. I've got within a single letterbrother Tobycriedmy fatherof Erasmus his mystic meaning. You are near enoughbrotherreplied myunclein all conscience. Pshaw! cried my fatherscratchingonI mightas well be seven miles off. I've done itsaid my fathersnappinghis fingersSeemy dear brother Tobyhow I have mended thesense. Butyou have marr'd a wordreplied my uncle Toby. My father puton hisspectaclesbit his lipand tore out the leaf in a passion.

 ChapterXXXVIII.

OSlawkenbergius! thou faithful analyzer of my Disgraziasthou sadforetellerof so many of the whips and short turns which on one stage orother ofmy life have come slap upon me from the shortness of my noseandno othercausethat I am conscious of. Tell meSlawkenbergius! whatsecretimpulse was it? what intonation of voice? whence came it? how did itsound inthy ears? art thou sure thou heard'st it? which first cried outtotheegogoSlawkenbergius! dedicate the labours of thy lifeneglectthypastimescall forth all the powers and faculties of thy naturemaceratethyself in the service of mankindand write a grand Folio forthemuponthe subject of their noses.

How thecommunication was conveyed into Slawkenbergius's sensoriumso thatSlawkenbergiusshould know whose finger touch'd the keyand whose hand itwas thatblew the bellowsas Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead and laidin hisgrave above fourscore and ten yearswe can only raise conjectures.

Slawkenbergiuswas play'd uponfor aught I knowlike one of Whitefield'sdisciplesthatiswith such a distinct intelligenceSirof which of thetwomasters it was that had been practising upon his instrumentas to makeallreasoning upon it needless.

For in theaccount which Hafen Slawkenbergius gives the world of hismotivesand occasions for writingand spending so many years of his lifeupon thisone worktowards the end of his prolegomenawhich by-the-byeshouldhave come firstbut the bookbinder has most injudiciously placed itbetwixtthe analytical contents of the bookand the book itselfheinformshis readerthat ever since he had arrived at the age ofdiscernmentand was able to sit down coolyand consider within himselfthe truestate and condition of manand distinguish the main end anddesign ofhis being; orto shorten my translationfor Slawkenbergius'sbook is inLatinand not a little prolix in this passageever since Iunderstoodquoth Slawkenbergiusany thingor rather what was whatandcouldperceive that the point of long noses had been too loosely handled byall whohad gone before; have I Slawkenbergiusfelt a strong impulsewith amighty and unresistible call within meto gird up myself to thisundertaking.

And to dojustice to Slawkenbergiushe has entered the list with astrongerlanceand taken a much larger career in it than any one man whohad everentered it before himand indeedin many respectsdeserves tobeen-nich'd as a prototype for all writersof voluminous works atleastto modeltheir books byfor he has taken inSirthe whole subjectexaminedevery part of it dialecticallythen brought it into full day;dilucidatingit with all the light which either the collision of his ownnaturalparts could strikeor the profoundest knowledge of the scienceshadimpowered him to cast upon itcollatingcollectingand compilingbeggingborrowingand stealingas he went alongall that had been wroteorwrangled thereupon in the schools and porticos of the learned:  so thatSlawkenbergiushis book may properly be considerednot only as a modelbut as athorough-stitched Digest and regular institute of nosescomprehendingin it all that is or can be needful to be known about them.

For thiscause it is that I forbear to speak of so many [otherwise]valuablebooks and treatises of my father's collectingwrote eitherplumpuponnosesor collaterally touching them; such for instance as Prignitznow lyingupon the table before mewho with infinite learningand fromthe mostcandid and scholar-like examination of above four thousanddifferentskullsin upwards of twenty charnel-houses in Silesiawhich hehadrummagedhas informed usthat the mensuration and configuration oftheosseous or bony parts of human nosesin any given tract of countryexceptCrim Tartarywhere they are all crush'd down by the thumbso thatnojudgment can be formed upon themare much nearer alikethan the worldimagines; thedifference amongst them beinghe saysa mere triflenotworthtaking notice of; but that the size and jollity of every individualnoseandby which one nose ranks above anotherand bears a higher priceis owingto the cartilaginous and muscular parts of itinto whose ductsandsinuses the blood and animal spirits being impell'd and driven by thewarmth andforce of the imaginationwhich is but a step from it [batingthe caseof idiotswhom Prignitzwho had lived many years in Turkysupposesunder the more immediate tutelage of Heaven] it so happensandever mustsays Prignitzthat the excellency of the nose is in a directarithmeticalproportion to the excellency of the wearer's fancy.

It is forthe same reasonthat isbecause 'tis all comprehended inSlawkenbergiusthat I say nothing likewise of Scroderus [Andrea] whoallthe worldknowsset himself to oppugn Prignitz with great violenceproving itin his own wayfirst logicallyand then by a series ofstubbornfacts'That so far was Prignitz from the truthin affirming thatthe fancybegat the nosethat on the contrarythe nose begat the fancy. '

Thelearned suspected Scroderus of an indecent sophism in thisandPrignitzcried out aloud in the disputethat Scroderus had shifted theidea uponhimbut Scroderus went onmaintaining his thesis.

My Fatherwas just balancing within himselfwhich of the two sides heshouldtake in this affair; when Ambrose Paraeus decided it in a momentand byoverthrowing the systemsboth of Prignitz and Scroderusdrove myfather outof both sides of the controversy at once.

Be witness

I don'tacquaint the learned readerin saying itI mention it only toshew thelearnedI know the fact myself

That thisAmbrose Paraeus was chief surgeon and nose-mender to Francis theninth ofFranceand in high credit with him and the two precedingorsucceedingkings [I know not which] and thatexcept in the slip he madein hisstory of Taliacotius's nosesand his manner of setting them onhewasesteemed by the whole college of physicians at that timeas moreknowing inmatters of nosesthan any one who had ever taken them in hand.

NowAmbrose Paraeus convinced my fatherthat the true and efficientcauseof whathad engaged so much the attention of the worldand upon whichPrignitzand Scroderus had wasted so much learning and fine partswasneitherthis nor thatbut that the length and goodness of the nose wasowingsimply to the softness and flaccidity in the nurse's breastas theflatnessand shortness of puisne noses was to the firmness and elasticrepulsionof the same organ of nutrition in the hale and livelywhichtho' happyfor the womanwas the undoing of the childinasmuch as hisnose wasso snubb'dso rebuff'dso rebatedand so refrigerated therebyas neverto arrive ad mensuram suam legitimam; but that in case of theflaccidityand softness of the nurse or mother's breastby sinking intoitquothParaeusas into so much butterthe nose was comfortednourish'dplump'd uprefresh'drefocillatedand set a growing for ever.

I have buttwo things to observe of Paraeus; firstThat he proves andexplainsall this with the utmost chastity and decorum of expression: forwhich mayhis soul for ever rest in peace!

Andsecondlythat besides the systems of Prignitz and ScroderuswhichAmbroseParaeus his hypothesis effectually overthrewit overthrew at thesame timethe system of peace and harmony of our family; and for three daystogethernot only embroiled matters between my father and my motherbutturn'dlikewise the whole house and every thing in itexcept my uncleTobyquite upside down.

Such aridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wifeneversurely inany age or country got vent through the key-hole of a street-door.

My motheryou must knowbut I have fifty things more necessary to let youknowfirstI have a hundred difficulties which I have promised to clearupand athousand distresses and domestick misadventures crowding in uponme thickand threefoldone upon the neck of another.   A cow broke in[tomorrowmorning] to my uncle Toby's fortificationsand eat up tworationsand a half of dried grasstearing up the sods with itwhich facedhishorn-work and covered way. Trim insists upon being tried by a court-martialthecow to be shotSlop to be crucifix'dmyself to be tristram'dand at myvery baptism made a martyr of; poor unhappy devils that we allare! I wantswaddlingbut there is no time to be lost in exclamationsIhave leftmy father lying across his bedand my uncle Toby in his oldfringedchairsitting beside himand promised I would go back to them inhalf anhour; and five-and-thirty minutes are laps'd already. Of all theperplexitiesa mortal author was ever seen inthis certainly is thegreatestfor I have Hafen Slawkenbergius's folioSirto finishadialoguebetween my father and my uncle Tobyupon the solution ofPrignitzScroderusAmbrose ParaeusPanocratesand Grangousier torelateatale out of Slawkenbergius to translateand all this in fiveminutesless than no time at all; such a head! would to Heaven my enemiesonly sawthe inside of it!

 ChapterXXXIX.

There wasnot any one scene more entertaining in our familyand to do itjustice inthis point; and I here put off my cap and lay it upon the tableclosebeside my ink-hornon purpose to make my declaration to the worldconcerningthis one article the more solemnthat I believe in my soul[unless mylove and partiality to my understanding blinds me] the hand ofthesupreme Maker and first Designer of all things never made or put afamilytogether [in that period at least of it which I have sat down towrite thestory of] where the characters of it were cast or contrastedwith sodramatick a felicity as ours wasfor this end; or in which thecapacitiesof affording such exquisite scenesand the powers of shiftingthemperpetually from morning to nightwere lodged and instrusted with sounlimiteda confidenceas in the Shandy Family.

Not anyone of these was more divertingI sayin this whimsical theatreofoursthan what frequently arose out of this self-same chapter of longnosesespeciallywhen my father's imagination was heated with the enquiryandnothing would serve him but to heat my uncle Toby's too.

My uncleToby would give my father all possible fair play in this attempt;and withinfinite patience would sit smoking his pipe for whole hourstogetherwhilst my father was practising upon his headand trying everyaccessibleavenue to drive Prignitz and Scroderus's solutions into it.

Whetherthey were above my uncle Toby's reasonor contrary to itor thathis brainwas like damp timberand no spark could possibly take holdorthat itwas so full of sapsminesblindscurtinsand such militarydisqualificationsto his seeing clearly into Prignitz and Scroderus'sdoctrinesIsay notlet schoolmenscullionsanatomistsand engineersfight forit among themselves

'Twas somemisfortuneI make no doubtin this affairthat my father hadevery wordof it to translate for the benefit of my uncle Tobyand renderout ofSlawkenbergius's Latinof whichas he was no great masterhistranslationwas not always of the purestand generally least so where'twas mostwanted. This naturally open'd a door to a second misfortune;that inthe warmer paroxysms of his zeal to open my uncle Toby's eyesmyfather'sideas ran on as much faster than the translationas thetranslationoutmoved my uncle Toby'sneither the one or the other addedmuch tothe perspicuity of my father's lecture.

 ChapterXL.

The giftof ratiocination and making syllogismsI mean in manfor insuperiorclasses of beingsuch as angels and spirits'tis all donemayit pleaseyour worshipsas they tell meby Intuition; and beingsinferioras your worships all knowsyllogize by their noses:   thoughthere isan island swimming in the sea [though not altogether at its ease]whoseinhabitantsif my intelligence deceives me notare so wonderfullygiftedasto syllogize after the same fashionand oft-times to make verywell outtoo: but that's neither here nor there

The giftof doing it as it should beamongst usorthe great andprincipalact of ratiocination in manas logicians tell usis the findingout theagreement or disagreement of two ideas one with anotherby theinterventionof a third [called the medius terminus] ; just as a manasLocke wellobservesby a yardfinds two mens nine-pin-alleys to be of thesamelengthwhich could not be brought togetherto measure theirequalityby juxta-position.

Had thesame great reasoner looked onas my father illustrated his systemsof nosesand observed my uncle Toby's deportmentwhat great attention hegave toevery wordand as oft as he took his pipe from his mouthwithwhatwonderful seriousness he contemplated the length of itsurveying ittransverselyas he held it betwixt his finger and his thumbthen fore-rightthenthis wayand then thatin all its possible directions andfore-shorteningshewould have concluded my uncle Toby had got hold of themediusterminusand was syllogizing and measuring with it the truth ofeachhypothesis of long nosesin orderas my father laid them beforehim.

Thisby-the-byewas more than my father wantedhis aim in all the painshe was atin these philosophick lectureswas to enable my uncle Toby nottodiscussbut comprehendto hold the grains and scruples of learningnot toweigh them. My uncle Tobyas you will read in the next chapterdidneither the one or the other.

 ChapterXLI.

'Tis apitycried my father one winter's nightafter a three hourspainfultranslation of Slawkenbergius'tis a pitycried my fatherputting mymother's threadpaper into the book for a markas he spokethattruthbrother Tobyshould shut herself up in such impregnable fastnessesand be soobstinate as not to surrender herself sometimes up upon theclosestsiege.

Now ithappened thenas indeed it had often done beforethat my uncleToby'sfancyduring the time of my father's explanation of Prignitz tohimhavingnothing to stay it therehad taken a short flight to thebowling-green; hisbody might as well have taken a turn there tooso thatwith allthe semblance of a deep school-man intent upon the mediusterminusmyuncle Toby was in fact as ignorant of the whole lectureandall itspros and consas if my father had been translating HafenSlawkenbergiusfrom the Latin tongue into the Cherokee.   But the wordsiegelike a talismanic powerin my father's metaphorwafting back myuncleToby's fancyquick as a note could follow the touchhe open'd hisearsand myfather observing that he took his pipe out of his mouthandshuffledhis chair nearer the tableas with a desire to profitmy fatherwith greatpleasure began his sentence againchanging only the plananddroppingthe metaphor of the siege of itto keep clear of some dangers myfatherapprehended from it.

'Tis apitysaid my fatherthat truth can only be on one sidebrotherTobyconsideringwhat ingenuity these learned men have all shewn in theirsolutionsof noses. Can noses be dissolved? replied my uncle Toby.

My fatherthrust back his chairrose upput on his hattook four longstrides tothe doorjerked it openthrust his head half way outshut thedooragaintook no notice of the bad hingereturned to the tablepluck'dmymother's thread-paper out of Slawkenbergius's bookwent hastily to hisbureauwalkedslowly backtwisted my mother's thread-paper about histhumbunbutton'dhis waistcoatthrew my mother's thread-paper into thefirebither sattin pin-cushion in twofill'd his mouth with branconfoundedit; but mark! the oath of confusion was levell'd at my uncleToby'sbrainwhich was e'en confused enough alreadythe curse camechargedonly with the branthe branmay it please your honourswas nomore thanpowder to the ball.

'Twas wellmy father's passions lasted not long; for so long as they didlasttheyled him a busy life on't; and it is one of the mostunaccountableproblems that ever I met with in my observations of humannaturethat nothing should prove my father's mettle so muchor make hispassionsgo off so like gun-powderas the unexpected strokes his sciencemet withfrom the quaint simplicity of my uncle Toby's questions. Had tendozen ofhornets stung him behind in so many different places all at onetimehecould not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer seconds--orstarted half so muchas with one single quaere of three wordsunseasonablypopping in full upon him in his hobby-horsical career.

'Twas allone to my uncle Tobyhe smoked his pipe on with unvariedcomposurehisheart never intended offence to his brotherand as his headcouldseldom find out where the sting of it layhe always gave my fatherthe creditof cooling by himself. He was five minutes and thirty-fivesecondsabout it in the present case.

By allthat's good! said my fatherswearingas he came to himselfandtaking theoath out of Ernulphus's digest of curses [though to do myfatherjustice it was a fault [as he told Dr. Slop in the affair ofErnulphus]which he as seldom committed as any man upon earth] By allthat'sgood and great! brother Tobysaid my fatherif it was not for theaids ofphilosophywhich befriend one so much as they doyou would put aman besideall temper. Whyby the solutions of nosesof which I wastellingyouI meantas you might have knownhad you favoured me with onegrain ofattentionthe various accounts which learned men of differentkinds ofknowledge have given the world of the causes of short and longnoses. Thereis no cause but onereplied my uncle Tobywhy one man'snose islonger than another'sbut because that God pleases to have it so. --That isGrangousier's solutionsaid my father. 'Tis hecontinued myuncleTobylooking upand not regarding my father's interruptionwhomakes usalland frames and puts us together in such forms andproportionsand for such endsas is agreeable to his infinite wisdom.'Tis apious accountcried my fatherbut not philosophicalthere is morereligionin it than sound science.   'Twas no inconsistent part of myuncleToby'scharacterthat he feared Godand reverenced religion. So themoment myfather finished his remarkmy uncle Toby fell a whistlingLillabullerowith more zeal [though more out of tune] than usual.

What isbecome of my wife's thread-paper?

 ChapterXLII.

Nomatteras an appendage to seamstressythe thread-paper might be ofsomeconsequence to my motherof none to my fatheras a mark inSlawkenbergius.  Slawkenbergius in every page of him was a rich treasure ofinexhaustibleknowledge to my fatherhe could not open him amiss; and hewouldoften say in closing the bookthat if all the arts and sciences inthe worldwith the books which treated of themwere lostshould thewisdom andpolicies of governmentshe would saythrough disuseeverhappen tobe forgotand all that statesmen had wrote or caused to bewrittenupon the strong or the weak sides of courts and kingdomsshouldthey beforgot alsoand Slawkenbergius only leftthere would be enough inhim in allconsciencehe would sayto set the world a-going again.   Atreasuretherefore was he indeed! an institute of all that was necessary tobe knownof nosesand every thing elseat matinnoonand vespers wasHafenSlawkenbergius his recreation and delight:   'twas for ever inhishandsyouwould have swornSirit had been a canon's prayer-booksowornsoglazedso contrited and attrited was it with fingers and withthumbs inall its partsfrom one end even unto the other.

I am notsuch a bigot to Slawkenbergius as my father; there is a fund inhimnodoubt:   but in my opinionthe bestI don't say the mostprofitablebut the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergiusis histalesandconsidering he was a Germanmany of them told not withoutfancy: thesetake up his second bookcontaining nearly one half of hisfolioandare comprehended in ten decadseach decad containing ten tales--Philosophyis not built upon tales; and therefore 'twas certainly wrong inSlawkenbergiusto send them into the world by that name! there are a fewof them inhis eighthninthand tenth decadswhich I own seem ratherplayfuland sportivethan speculativebut in general they are to belookedupon by the learned as a detail of so many independent factsall ofthemturning round somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subjectand addedto his work as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.

As we haveleisure enough upon our handsif you give me leavemadamI'lltell youthe ninth tale of his tenth decad.

 VOL. IV      Multitudinisimperitæ non formido judicia; meistamenrogoparcant opusculis – in quibus

fuitpropositi sempera jocis ad seriaa seriis

vicissimad jocos transire.                                                           JOAN.SARESBERIENSIS                                                           Episcopus Lugdun.

SlawkenbergiiFabella

[As HafenSlawkenbergius de Nasis is extremelyscarceitmay not be unacceptable to the learned reader to see thespecimenof a few pages of his original; I will make no reflection upon itbut thathis story-telling Latin is much more concise than his philosophic--andIthinkhas more of Latinity in it. ]

Vesperaquadam frigidulaposteriori in parte mensis Augustiperegrinusmulo fuscocolore incidensmantica a tergopaucis indusiisbiniscalceisbraccisque sericis coccineis repletaArgentoratum ingressus est.

Militi eumpercontantiquum portus intraret dixitse apud NasorumpromontoriumfuisseFrancofurtum proficisciet Argentoratumtransitu adfinesSarmatiae mensis intervalloreversurum.

Milesperegrini in faciem suspexitDi boninova forma nasi!

At multummihi profuitinquit peregrinuscarpum amento extrahense quopependitacinaces:   Loculo manum inseruit; et magna cum urbanitatepileiparteanteriore tacta manu sinistraut extendit dextrammiliti florinumdedit etprocessit.

Doletmihiait milestympanistam nanum et valgum alloquensvirum adeourbanumvaginam perdidisse:   itinerari haud poterit nuda acinaci; nequevaginamtoto Argentoratohabilem inveniet. Nullam unquam habuiresponditperegrinusrespiciensseque comiter inclinanshoc more gestonudamacinacemelevansmulo lento progredienteut nasum tueri possim.

Nonimmeritobenigne peregrinerespondit miles.

Nihiliaestimoait ille tympanistae pergamena factitius est.

Proutchristianus suminquit milesnasus illeni sexties major fitmeoessetconformis.

Crepitareaudivi ait tympanista.

Mehercule!sanguinem emisitrespondit miles.

Miseretmeinquit tympanistaqui non ambo tetigimus!

Eodemtemporis punctoquo haec res argumentata fuit inter militem ettympanistamdisceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore sua qui tuncaccesseruntet peregrino praetereunterestiterunt.

Quantusnasus! aeque longus estait tubicinaac tuba.

Et exeodem metalloait tubicenvelut sternutamento audias.

Tantumabestrespondit illaquod fistulam dulcedine vincit.

Aeneusestait tubicen.

Nequaquamrespondit uxor.

Rursumaffirmoait tubicenquod aeneus est.

Rempenitus explorabo; priusenim digito tangamait uxorquamdormivero

Mulusperegrini gradu lento progressus estut unumquodque verbumcontroversiaenon tantum inter militem et tympanistamverum etiam intertubicinemet uxorum ejusaudiret.

Nequaquamait illein muli collum fraena demittenset manibus ambabus inpectuspositis[mulo lente progrediente] nequaquamait ille respiciensnonnecesse est ut res isthaec dilucidata foret.   Minime gentium!meusnasusnunquam tangeturdum spiritus hos reget artusAd quid agendum? airuxorburgomagistri.

Peregrinusilli non respondit.   Votum faciebat tunc temporis sanctoNicolao;quo factosinum dextrum inserense qua negligenter pependitacinaceslento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam quae addiversoriumtemplo ex adversum ducit.

Peregrinusmulo descendens stabulo includiet manticam inferri jussit:

qua apertaet coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum argento laciniatoPerimatehis sese induitstatimqueacinaci in manuad forum deambulavit.

Quod ubiperegrinus esset ingressusuxorem tubicinis obviam euntemaspicit;illico cursum flectitmetuens ne nasus suus explorareturatqueaddiversorium regressus estexuit se vestibus; braccas coccineas sericasmanticaeimposuit mulumque educi jussit.

Francofurtumproficiscorait illeet Argentoratum quatuor abhinchebdomadisrevertar.

Benecurasti hoc jumentam? [ait] muli faciem manu demulcensmemanticamquemeamplus sexcentis mille passibus portavit.

Longa viaest! respondet hospesnisi plurimum esset negoti. Enimveroaitperegrinusa Nasorum promontorio rediiet nasum speciosissimumegregiosissimumquequem unquam quisquam sortitus estacquisivi?

Dumperegrinus hanc miram rationem de seipso reddithospes et uxor ejusoculisintentisperegrini nasum contemplanturPer sanctos sanctasqueomnesaithospitis uxornasis duodecim maximis in toto Argentorato majorest! estneait illa mariti in aurem insusurransnonne est nasuspraegrandis?

Dolusinestanime miait hospesnasus est falsus.

Verus estrespondit uxor

Ex abietefactus estait illeterebinthinum olet

Carbunculusinestait uxor.

Mortuusest nasusrespondit hospes.

Vivus estait illaet si ipsa vivam tangam.

Votum fecisancto Nicolaoait peregrinusnasum meum intactum fore usqueadQuodnamtempus? illico respondit illa.

Minimotangeturinquit ille [manibus in pectus compositis] usque ad illamhoramQuamhoram? ait illaNullamrespondit peregrinusdonec pervenioadQuemlocumobsecro? ait illaPeregrinus nil respondens muloconscensodiscessit.

 Slawkenbergius'sTale

It was onecool refreshing eveningat the close of a very sultry dayinthe latterend of the month of Augustwhen a strangermounted upon a darkmulewitha small cloak-bag behind himcontaining a few shirtsa pair ofshoesanda crimson-sattin pair of breechesentered the town ofStrasburg.

He toldthe centinelwho questioned him as he entered the gatesthat hehad beenat the Promontory of Noseswas going on to Frankfortand shouldbe backagain at Strasburg that day monthin his way to the borders ofCrimTartary.

Thecentinel looked up into the stranger's facehe never saw such a Nosein hislife!

I havemade a very good venture of itquoth the strangerso slippinghis wristout of the loop of a black ribbonto which a short scymetar washungheput his hand into his pocketand with great courtesy touching thefore partof his cap with his left handas he extended his righthe put aflorininto the centinel's handand passed on.

Itgrievesmesaid the centinelspeaking to a little dwarfish bandy-legg'ddrummerthat so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbardhecannottravel without one to his scymetarand will not be able to get ascabbardto fit it in all Strasburg. I never had onereplied thestrangerlooking back to the centineland putting his hand up to his capas hespokeI carry itcontinued hethusholding up his naked scymetarhis mulemoving on slowly all the timeon purpose to defend my nose.

It is wellworth itgentle strangerreplied the centinel.

'Tis notworth a single stiversaid the bandy-legg'd drummer'tis anose ofparchment.

As I am atrue catholicexcept that it is six times as big'tis a nosesaid thecentinellike my own.

I heard itcracklesaid the drummer.

By dundersaid the centinelI saw it bleed.

What apitycried the bandy-legg'd drummerwe did not both touch it!

At thevery time that this dispute was maintaining by the centinel and thedrummerwasthe same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter'swifewhowere just then coming upand had stopped to see the strangerpass by.

Benedicity! Whata nose! 'tis as longsaid the trumpeter's wifeas atrumpet.

And of thesame metal said the trumpeteras you hear by its sneezing.

'Tis assoft as a flutesaid she.

'Tisbrasssaid the trumpeter.

'Tis apudding's endsaid his wife.

I tellthee againsaid the trumpeter'tis a brazen nose

I'll knowthe bottom of itsaid the trumpeter's wifefor I will touch itwith myfinger before I sleep.

Thestranger's mule moved on at so slow a ratethat he heard every wordofthedisputenot only betwixt the centinel and the drummerbut betwixtthetrumpeterand trumpeter's wife.

No! saidhedropping his reins upon his mule's neckand laying both hishands uponhis breastthe one over the other in a saint-like position [hismule goingon easily all the time] No! said helooking upI am not such adebtor tothe worldslandered and disappointed as I have beenas to giveit thatconvictionno! said hemy nose shall never be touched whilstHeavengives me strengthTo do what? said a burgomaster's wife.

Thestranger took no notice of the burgomaster's wifehe was making a vowto SaintNicolas; which donehaving uncrossed his arms with the samesolemnitywith which he crossed themhe took up the reins of his bridlewith hisleft-handand putting his right hand into his bosomwith thescymetarhanging loosely to the wrist of ithe rode onas slowly as onefoot ofthe mule could follow anotherthro' the principal streets ofStrasburgtill chance brought him to the great inn in the market-placeover-againstthe church.

The momentthe stranger alightedhe ordered his mule to be led into thestableand his cloak-bag to be brought in; then openingand taking out ofit hiscrimson-sattin breecheswith a silver-fringed [appendage to themwhich Idare not translate] he put his breecheswith his fringed cod-piece onand forth-withwith his short scymetar in his handwalked outto thegrand parade.

Thestranger had just taken three turns upon the paradewhen heperceivedthetrumpeter's wife at the opposite side of itso turning shortin painlest hisnose should be attemptedhe instantly went back to his innundressedhimselfpacked up his crimson-sattin breeches& c. in his cloak-bagandcalled for his mule.

I am goingforwardssaid the strangerfor Frankfortand shall be back atStrasburgthis day month.

I hopecontinued the strangerstroking down the face of his mule with hisleft handas he was going to mount itthat you have been kind to thisfaithfulslave of mineit has carried me and my cloak-bagcontinued hetappingthe mule's backabove six hundred leagues.

'Tis along journeySirreplied the master of the innunless a man hasgreatbusiness. Tut! tut! said the strangerI have been at the promontoryof Noses;and have got me one of the goodliestthank Heaventhat everfell to asingle man's lot.

Whilst thestranger was giving this odd account of himselfthe master ofthe innand his wife kept both their eyes fixed full upon the stranger'snoseBysaint Radagundasaid the inn-keeper's wife to herselfthere ismore of itthan in any dozen of the largest noses put together in allStrasburg!is it notsaid shewhispering her husband in his earis itnot anoble nose?

'Tis animposturemy dearsaid the master of the inn'tis a false nose.

'Tis atrue nosesaid his wife.

'Tis madeof fir-treesaid heI smell the turpentine.

There's apimple on itsaid she.

'Tis adead nosereplied the inn-keeper.

'Tis alive noseand if I am alive myselfsaid the inn-keeper'swifeIwill touchit.

I havemade a vow to saint Nicolas this daysaid the strangerthat mynose shallnot be touched tillHere the stranger suspending his voicelookedup. Till when? said she hastily.

It nevershall be touchedsaid heclasping his hands and bringing themclose tohis breasttill that hourWhat hour? cried the inn keeper'swife. Never! never!said the strangernever till I am gotFor Heaven'ssakeintowhat place? said sheThe stranger rode away without saying aword.

Thestranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfortbeforeall thecity of Strasburg was in an uproar about his nose.   The Complinebells werejust ringing to call the Strasburgers to their devotionsandshut upthe duties of the day in prayer: no soul in all Strasburg heard'emthecity was like a swarm of beesmenwomenand children[theComplinebells tinkling all the time] flying here and therein at onedooroutat anotherthis way and that waylong ways and cross waysuponestreetdown another streetin at this alleyout of thatdid you seeit? didyou see it? did you see it?   O! did you see it? who saw it? whodid seeit? for mercy's sakewho saw it?

Alacko'day! I was at vespers! I was washingI was starchingI wasscouringI was quiltingGod help me!   I never saw itI never touch'dit! would Ihad been a centinela bandy-legg'd drummera trumpeteratrumpeter'swifewas the general cry and lamentation in every street andcorner ofStrasburg.

Whilst allthis confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great cityofStrasburgwas the courteous stranger going on as gently upon hismulein his wayto Frankfortas if he had no concern at all in the affairtalkingall the way he rode in broken sentencessometimes to his mulesometimesto himselfsometimes to his Julia.

O Juliamy lovely Julia! nay I cannot stop to let thee bite that thistle--that everthe suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed me ofenjoymentwhen I was upon the point of tasting it.

Pugh! 'tisnothing but a thistlenever mind itthou shalt have abettersupper at night.

Banish'dfrom my countrymy friendsfrom thee.

Poordevilthou'rt sadly tired with thy journey! comeget on a littlefasterthere'snothing in my cloak-bag but two shirtsa crimson-sattinpair ofbreechesand a fringedDear Julia!

But why toFrankfort? is it that there is a hand unfeltwhich secretlyisconducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracts?

Stumbling!by saint Nicolas! every stepwhy at this rate we shall be allnight ingetting in

Tohappinessor am I to be the sport of fortune and slanderdestined tobe drivenforth unconvictedunhearduntouch'dif sowhy did I not stayatStrasburgwhere justicebut I had sworn!   Comethou shaltdrinktoSt.NicolasO Julia! What dost thou prick up thy ears at? 'tis nothingbut a man& c.

Thestranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and Juliatillhe arrivedat his innwhereas soon as he arrivedhe alightedsaw hismuleashe had promised ittaken good care oftook off his cloak-bagwith hiscrimson-sattin breeches& c. in itcalled for an omelet to hissupperwent to his bed about twelve o'clockand in five minutes fell fastasleep.

It wasabout the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg being abated forthatnightthe Strasburgers had all got quietly into their bedsbut notlike thestrangerfor the rest either of their minds or bodies; queen Mablike anelf as she washad taken the stranger's noseand withoutreductionof its bulkhad that night been at the pains of slitting anddividingit into as many noses of different cuts and fashionsas therewere headsin Strasburg to hold them.   The abbess of Quedlingbergwho withthe fourgreat dignitaries of her chapterthe prioressthe deanessthesub-chantressand senior canonnesshad that week come to Strasburg toconsultthe university upon a case of conscience relating to their placket-holeswasill all the night.

Thecourteous stranger's nose had got perched upon the top of the pinealgland ofher brainand made such rousing work in the fancies of the fourgreatdignitaries of her chapterthey could not get a wink of sleep thewholenight thro' for itthere was no keeping a limb still amongst themin shortthey got up like so many ghosts.

Thepenitentiaries of the third order of saint Francisthe nuns of mountCalvarythePraemonstratensesthe Clunienses [Hafen Slawkenbergius meanstheBenedictine nuns of Clunyfounded in the year 940by Odoabbe deCluny. ] theCarthusiansand all the severer orders of nunswho lay thatnight inblankets or hair-clothwere still in a worse condition than theabbess ofQuedlingbergby tumbling and tossingand tossing and tumblingfrom oneside of their beds to the other the whole night longthe severalsisterhoodshad scratch'd and maul'd themselves all to deaththey got outof theirbeds almost flay'd aliveevery body thought saint Antony hadvisitedthem for probation with his firethey had never oncein shortshut theireyes the whole night long from vespers to matins.

The nunsof saint Ursula acted the wisestthey never attempted to go tobed atall.

The deanof Strasburgthe prebendariesthe capitulars and domiciliars[capitularlyassembled in the morning to consider the case of butter'dbuns] allwished they had followed the nuns of saint Ursula's example.

In thehurry and confusion every thing had been in the night beforethebakers hadall forgot to lay their leaventhere were no butter'd buns tobe had forbreakfast in all Strasburgthe whole close of the cathedral wasin oneeternal commotionsuch a cause of restlessness and disquietudeandsuch azealous inquiry into that cause of the restlessnesshad neverhappenedin Strasburgsince Martin Lutherwith his doctrineshad turnedthe cityupside down.

If thestranger's nose took this liberty of thrusting himself thus into thedishes[Mr. Shandy's compliments to oratorsis very sensible thatSlawkenbergiushas here changed his metaphorwhich he is very guilty of:that as atranslatorMr. Shandy has all along done what he could to makehim stickto itbut that here 'twas impossible. ] of religious orders& c.what acarnival did his nose make of itin those of the laity! 'tis morethan mypenworn to the stump as it ishas power to describe; tho'Iacknowledge[cries Slawkenbergius with more gaiety of thought than I couldhaveexpected from him] that there is many a good simile now subsisting inthe worldwhich might give my countrymen some idea of it; but at the closeof such afolio as thiswrote for their sakesand in which I have spentthegreatest part of my lifetho' I own to them the simile is in beingyet wouldit not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have eithertime orinclination to search for it?   Let it suffice to saythat theriotanddisorder it occasioned in the Strasburgers fantasies was so generalsuch anoverpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties of theStrasburgersmindsso many strange thingswith equal confidence on allsidesandwith equal eloquence in all placeswere spoken and sworn toconcerningitthat turned the whole stream of all discourse and wondertowardsitevery soulgood and badrich and poorlearned and unlearned--doctorand studentmistress and maidgentle and simplenun's flesh andwoman'sfleshin Strasburg spent their time in hearing tidings about itevery eyein Strasburg languished to see itevery fingerevery thumb inStrasburgburned to touch it.

Now whatmight addif any thing may be thought necessary to addto sovehement adesirewas thisthat the centinelthe bandy-legg'd drummerthetrumpeterthe trumpeter's wifethe burgomaster's widowthe masterofthe innand the master of the inn's wifehow widely soever they alldifferedevery one from another in their testimonies and description of thestranger'snosethey all agreed together in two pointsnamelythat hewas goneto Frankfortand would not return to Strasburg till that daymonth; andsecondlywhether his nose was true or falsethat the strangerhimselfwas one of the most perfect paragons of beautythe finest-mademanthemost genteel! the most generous of his pursethe most courteousin hiscarriagethat had ever entered the gates of Strasburgthat as herodewithscymetar slung loosely to his wristthro' the streetsandwalkedwith his crimson-sattin breeches across the parade'twas with sosweet anair of careless modestyand so manly withalas would have putthe heartin jeopardy [had his nose not stood in his way] of every virginwho hadcast her eyes upon him.

I call notupon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and yearningsofcuriosityso excitedto justify the abbess of Quedlingbergtheprioressthe deanessand sub-chantressfor sending at noon-day for thetrumpeter'swife:   she went through the streets of Strasburg with herhusband'strumpet in her handthe best apparatus the straitness of thetime wouldallow herfor the illustration of her theoryshe staid nolongerthan three days.

Thecentinel and bandy-legg'd drummer! nothing on this side of old Athenscouldequal them! they read their lectures under the city-gates to comersand goerswith all the pomp of a Chrysippus and a Crantor in theirporticos.

The masterof the innwith his ostler on his left-handread his also inthe samestileunder the portico or gateway of his stable-yardhis wifehers moreprivately in a back room:   all flocked to their lectures; notpromiscuouslybutto this or thatas is ever the wayas faith andcredulitymarshal'd themin a wordeach Strasburger came crouding forintelligenceandevery Strasburger had the intelligence he wanted.

'Tis worthremarkingfor the benefit of all demonstrators in naturalphilosophy& c. that as soon as the trumpeter's wife had finished theabbess ofQuedlingberg's private lectureand had begun to read in publicwhich shedid upon a stool in the middle of the great paradesheincommodedthe other demonstrators mainlyby gaining incontinently themostfashionable part of the city of Strasburg for her auditoryBut when ademonstratorin philosophy [cries Slawkenbergius] has a trumpet for anapparatuspray what rival in science can pretend to be heard besides him?

Whilst theunlearnedthro' these conduits of intelligencewere all busiedin gettingdown to the bottom of the wellwhere Truth keeps her littlecourtwerethe learned in their way as busy in pumping her up thro' theconduitsof dialect inductionthey concerned themselves not with factstheyreasoned

Not oneprofession had thrown more light upon this subject than theFacultyhadnot all their disputes about it run into the affair of Wensandoedematous swellingsthey could not keep clear of them for theirbloods andsoulsthe stranger's nose had nothing to do either with wens oroedematousswellings.

It wasdemonstrated however very satisfactorilythat such a ponderous massofheterogenous matter could not be congested and conglomerated to thenosewhilst the infant was in Uterawithout destroying the staticalbalance ofthe foetusand throwing it plump upon its head nine monthsbefore thetime.

Theopponents granted the theorythey denied the consequences.

And if asuitable provision of veinsarteries& c. said theywas notlaidinforthe due nourishment of such a nosein the very first stamina andrudimentsof its formationbefore it came into the world [bating the caseof Wens]it could not regularly grow and be sustained afterwards.

This wasall answered by a dissertation upon nutrimentand the effectwhichnutriment had in extending the vesselsand in the increase andprolongationof the muscular parts to the greatest growth and expansionimaginableInthe triumph of which theorythey went so far as to affirmthat therewas no cause in naturewhy a nose might not grow to the size ofthe manhimself.

Therespondents satisfied the world this event could never happen to themso long asa man had but one stomach and one pair of lungsFor thestomachsaid theybeing the only organ destined for the reception offoodandturning it into chyleand the lungs the only engine ofsanguificationitcould possibly work off no morethan what the appetitebroughtit:   or admitting the possibility of a man's overloading hisstomachnature had set bounds however to his lungsthe engine was of adeterminedsize and strengthand could elaborate but a certain quantity ina giventimethat isit could produce just as much blood as wassufficientfor one single manand no more; so thatif there was as muchnose asmanthey proved a mortification must necessarily ensue; andforasmuchas there could not be a support for boththat the nose musteitherfall off from the manor the man inevitably fall off from his nose.

Natureaccommodates herself to these emergenciescried the opponentselsewhat doyou say to the case of a whole stomacha whole pair of lungsandbut half amanwhen both his legs have been unfortunately shot off?

He dies ofa plethorasaid theyor must spit bloodand in a fortnight orthreeweeks go off in a consumption.

It happensotherwisereplied the opponents.

It oughtnotsaid they.

The morecurious and intimate inquirers after nature and her doingsthoughthey wenthand in hand a good way togetheryet they all divided about thenose atlastalmost as much as the Faculty itself

Theyamicably laid it downthat there was a just and geometricalarrangementand proportion of the several parts of the human frame to itsseveraldestinationsofficesand functionswhich could not betransgressedbut within certain limitsthat naturethough she sportedshesported within a certain circle; and they could not agree about thediameterof it.

Thelogicians stuck much closer to the point before them than any of theclasses ofthe literati; they began and ended with the word Nose; and hadit notbeen for a petitio principiiwhich one of the ablest of them ranhis headagainst in the beginning of the combatthe whole controversy hadbeensettled at once.

A noseargued the logiciancannot bleed without bloodand not onlybloodbutblood circulating in it to supply the phaenomenon with asuccessionof drops [a stream being but a quicker succession of dropsthat isincludedsaid he. ] Now deathcontinued the logicianbeingnothingbut the stagnation of the blood

I deny thedefinitionDeath is the separation of the soul from the bodysaid hisantagonistThen we don't agree about our weaponssaid thelogicianThenthere is an end of the disputereplied the antagonist.

Thecivilians were still more concise:   what they offered being morein thenature ofa decreethan a dispute.

Such amonstrous nosesaid theyhad it been a true nosecould notpossiblyhave been suffered in civil societyand if falseto impose uponsocietywith such false signs and tokenswas a still greater violation ofitsrightsand must have had still less mercy shewn it.

The onlyobjection to this wasthat if it proved any thingit proved thestranger'snose was neither true nor false.

This leftroom for the controversy to go on.   It was maintained by theadvocatesof the ecclesiastic courtthat there was nothing to inhibit adecreesince the stranger ex mero motu had confessed he had been at thePromontoryof Nosesand had got one of the goodliest& c. & c. To this itwasansweredit was impossible there should be such a place as thePromontoryof Nosesand the learned be ignorant where it lay.   Thecommissaryof the bishop of Strasburg undertook the advocatesexplainedthismatter in a treatise upon proverbial phrasesshewing themthat thePromontoryof Noses was a mere allegorick expressionimporting no morethan thatnature had given him a long nose:   in proof of whichwith greatlearninghe cited the underwritten authorities[Nonnulli ex nostratibuseademloquendi formula utun.   Quinimo & Logistae &CanonistaeVid. ParceBarne Jasin d. L. Provincial.   Constitut. de conjec. vid. Vol. Lib. 4.Titul. I.n. 7 qua etiam in re conspir.   Om de Promontorio Nas. Tichmak.ff. d.tit. 3. fol. 189. passim. Vid. Glos. de contrahend. empt. & c.necnonJ. Scrudr.in cap. para refut. per totum.   Cum his cons. Rever. J. TubalSentent. &Prov. cap. 9. ff. 1112. obiter.   V. & Librumcui Tit. deTerris &Phras. Belg. ad finemcum comment.   N. Bardy Belg. Vid. Scrip.Argentotarens.de Antiq. Ecc. in Episc Archiv. fid coll. per Von JacobumKoinshovenFolio Argent. 1583. praecip. ad finem.   Quibus add. Rebuff in L.obvenirede Signif. Nom. ff. fol. & de jure Gent. & Civil. de protib.alienafeud. per federatest. Joha. Luxius in prolegom. quem velim videasde Analy.Cap. 123.   Vid. Idea. ] which had decided the pointincontestablyhad it not appeared that a dispute about some franchises ofdean andchapter-lands had been determined by it nineteen years before.

IthappenedI must say unluckily for Truthbecause they were giving heraliftanother way in so doing; that the two universities of StrasburgtheLutheranfounded in the year 1538 by Jacobus Surmiscounsellor of thesenateandthe Popishfounded by Leopoldarch-duke of Austriawereduring allthis timeemploying the whole depth of their knowledge [exceptjust whatthe affair of the abbess of Quedlingberg's placket-holesrequired] indetermining the point of Martin Luther's damnation.

The Popishdoctors had undertaken to demonstrate a priorithat from thenecessaryinfluence of the planets on the twenty-second day of October1483whenthe moon was in the twelfth houseJupiterMarsand Venus inthe thirdthe SunSaturnand Mercuryall got together in the fourththat hemust in courseand unavoidablybe a damn'd manand that hisdoctrinesby a direct corollarymust be damn'd doctrines too.

Byinspection into his horoscopewhere five planets were in coition allatonce withScorpio [Haec mirasatisque horrenda.   Planetarum coitio subScorpioAsterismo in nona coeli stationequam Arabes religioni deputabantefficitMartinum Lutherum sacrilegum hereticumChristianae religionishostemacerrimum atque prophanumex horoscopi directione ad Martis coitumreligiosissimusobiitejus Anima scelestissima ad infernos navigavitabAlectoTisiphone & Megara flagellis igneis cruciata perenniter. LucasGaurieusin Tractatu astrologico de praeteritis multorum hominumaccidentibusper genituras examinatis. ] [in reading this my father wouldalwaysshake his head] in the ninth housewith the Arabians allotted toreligionitappeared that Martin Luther did not care one stiver about thematterandthat from the horoscope directed to the conjunction of Marsthey madeit plain likewise he must die cursing and blasphemingwith theblast ofwhich his soul [being steep'd in guilt] sailed before the windinthe lakeof hell-fire.

The littleobjection of the Lutheran doctors to thiswasthat it mustcertainlybe the soul of another manborn Oct. 2283. which was forced tosail downbefore the wind in that mannerinasmuch as it appeared from theregisterof Islaben in the county of Mansfeltthat Luther was not born inthe year1483but in 84; and not on the 22d day of Octoberbut on the10th ofNovemberthe eve of Martinmas dayfrom whence he had the name ofMartin.

[I mustbreak off my translation for a moment; for if I did notI know Ishould nomore be able to shut my eyes in bedthan the abbess ofQuedlingbergItis to tell the reader; that my father never read thispassage ofSlawkenbergius to my uncle Tobybut with triumphnot over myuncleTobyfor he never opposed him in itbut over the whole world.

Now youseebrother Tobyhe would saylooking up'that christiannames arenot such indifferent things; 'had Luther here been called by anyother namebut Martinhe would have been damn'd to all eternityNot thatI lookupon Martinhe would addas a good namefar from it'tissomethingbetter than a neutraland but a littleyet little as it is yousee it wasof some service to him.

My fatherknew the weakness of this prop to his hypothesisas well as thebestlogician could shew himyet so strange is the weakness of man at thesame timeas it fell in his wayhe could not for his life but make use ofit; and itwas certainly for this reasonthat though there are manystories inHafen Slawkenbergius's Decades full as entertaining as this I amtranslatingyet there is not one amongst them which my father read overwith halfthe delightit flattered two of his strangest hypothesestogetherhisNames and his Noses. I will be bold to sayhe might haveread allthe books in the Alexandrian Libraryhad not fate taken othercare ofthemand not have met with a book or passage in onewhich hit twosuch nailsas these upon the head at one stroke. ]

The twouniversities of Strasburg were hard tugging at this affair ofLuther'snavigation.   The Protestant doctors had demonstratedthat hehadnot sailedright before the windas the Popish doctors had pretended; andas everyone knew there was no sailing full in the teeth of itthey weregoing tosettlein case he had sailedhow many points he was off; whetherMartin haddoubled the capeor had fallen upon a lee-shore; and no doubtas it wasan enquiry of much edificationat least to those who understoodthis sortof Navigationthey had gone on with it in spite of the size ofthestranger's nosehad not the size of the stranger's nose drawn offtheattentionof the world from what they were aboutit was their business tofollow.

The abbessof Quedlingberg and her four dignitaries was no stop; for theenormityof the stranger's nose running full as much in their fancies astheir caseof consciencethe affair of their placket-holes kept coldin awordtheprinters were ordered to distribute their typesallcontroversiesdropp'd.

'Twas asquare cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of itto a nut-shelltohave guessed on which side of the nose the two universities wouldsplit.

'Tis abovereasoncried the doctors on one side.

'Tis belowreasoncried the others.

'Tisfaithcried one.

'Tis afiddle-sticksaid the other.

'Tispossiblecried the one.

'Tisimpossiblesaid the other.

God'spower is infinitecried the Nosarianshe can do any thing.

He can donothingreplied the Anti-nosarianswhich impliescontradictions.

He canmake matter thinksaid the Nosarians.

Ascertainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sow's earrepliedtheAnti-nosarians.

He cannotmake two and two fivereplied the Popish doctors. 'Tis falsesaid theirother opponents.

Infinitepower is infinite powersaid the doctors who maintained thereality ofthe nose. It extends only to all possible thingsreplied theLutherans.

By God inheavencried the Popish doctorshe can make a noseif hethinksfitas big as the steeple of Strasburg.

Now thesteeple of Strasburg being the biggest and the tallest church-steeple tobe seen in the whole worldthe Anti-nosarians denied that anose of575 geometrical feet in length could be wornat least by a middle-siz'dmanThe Popish doctors swore it couldThe Lutheran doctors saidNo; itcould not.

This atonce started a new disputewhich they pursued a great wayuponthe extentand limitation of the moral and natural attributes of GodThatcontroversyled them naturally into Thomas Aquinasand Thomas Aquinas tothe devil.

Thestranger's nose was no more heard of in the disputeit just served asa frigateto launch them into the gulph of school-divinityand then theyall sailedbefore the wind.

Heat is inproportion to the want of true knowledge.

Thecontroversy about the attributes& c. instead of coolingon thecontraryhad inflamed the Strasburgers imaginations to a most inordinatedegreeTheless they understood of the matter the greater was their wonderaboutitthey were left in all the distresses of desire unsatisfiedsawtheirdoctorsthe Parchmentariansthe Brasssariansthe Turpentariansononesidethe Popish doctors on the otherlike Pantagruel and hiscompanionsin quest of the oracle of the bottleall embarked out of sight.

The poorStrasburgers left upon the beach!

What wasto be done? No delaythe uproar increasedevery one indisorderthecity gates set open.

UnfortunateStrasbergers! was there in the store-house of naturewas therein thelumber-rooms of learningwas there in the great arsenal of chanceone singleengine left undrawn forth to torture your curiositiesandstretchyour desireswhich was not pointed by the hand of Fate to playupon yourhearts? I dip not my pen into my ink to excuse the surrender ofyourselves'tisto write your panegyrick.   Shew me a city so maceratedwithexpectationwho neither eator drankor sleptor prayedorhearkenedto the calls either of religion or naturefor seven-and-twentydaystogetherwho could have held out one day longer.

On thetwenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised to return toStrasburg.

Seventhousand coaches [Slawkenbergius must certainly have made somemistake inhis numeral characters] 7000 coaches15000 single-horse chairs--20000waggonscrowded as full as they could all hold with senatorscounsellorssyndicksbeguineswidowswivesvirginscanonsconcubinesall in their coachesThe abbess of Quedlingbergwith theprioressthe deaness and sub-chantressleading the procession in onecoachandthe dean of Strasburgwith the four great dignitaries of hischapteron her left-handthe rest following higglety-pigglety as theycould;some on horsebacksome on footsome ledsome drivensome downtheRhinesome this waysome thatall set out at sun-rise to meet thecourteousstranger on the road.

Haste wenow towards the catastrophe of my taleI say Catastrophe [criesSlawkenbergius]inasmuch as a talewith parts rightly disposednot onlyrejoiceth[gaudet] in the Catastrophe and Peripeitia of a Dramabutrejoicethmoreover in all the essential and integrant parts of itit hasitsProtasisEpitasisCatastasisits Catastrophe or Peripeitia growingone out ofthe other in itin the order Aristotle first planted themwithoutwhich a tale had better never be told at allsays Slawkenbergiusbut bekept to a man's self.

In all myten talesin all my ten decadeshave I Slawkenbergius tied downevery taleof them as tightly to this ruleas I have done this of thestrangerand his nose.

From hisfirst parley with the centinelto his leaving the city ofStrasburgafter pulling off his crimson-sattin pair of breechesis theProtasisor first entrancewhere the characters of the Personae Dramatisare justtouched inand the subject slightly begun.

TheEpitasiswherein the action is more fully entered upon andheightenedtill itarrives at its state or height called the Catastasisand whichusuallytakes up the 2d and 3d actis included within that busy period ofmy talebetwixt the first night's uproar about the noseto the conclusionof thetrumpeter's wife's lectures upon it in the middle of the grandparade:  and from the first embarking of the learned in the disputeto thedoctorsfinally sailing awayand leaving the Strasburgers upon the beachindistressis the Catastasis or the ripening of the incidents andpassionsfor their bursting forth in the fifth act.

Thiscommences with the setting out of the Strasburgers in the Frankfortroadandterminates in unwinding the labyrinth and bringing the hero outof a stateof agitation [as Aristotle calls it] to a state of rest andquietness.

ThissaysHafen Slawkenbergiusconstitutes the Catastrophe or Peripeitiaof mytaleand that is the part of it I am going to relate.

We leftthe stranger behind the curtain asleephe enters now upon thestage.

What dostthou prick up thy ears at? 'tis nothing but a man upon ahorsewasthe last word the stranger uttered to his mule.   It was notproperthen to tell the readerthat the mule took his master's word forit; andwithout any more ifs or andslet the traveller and his horse passby.

Thetraveller was hastening with all diligence to get to Strasburg thatnight.  What a fool am Isaid the traveller to himselfwhen he had rodeabout aleague fartherto think of getting into Strasburg this night.Strasburg! thegreat Strasburg! Strasburgthe capital of all Alsatia!

Strasburgan imperial city!   Strasburga sovereign state!  Strasburggarrisonedwith five thousand of the best troops in all the world! Alas!if I wasat the gates of Strasburg this momentI could not gain admittanceinto itfor a ducatnay a ducat and half'tis too muchbetter go back tothe lastinn I have passedthan lie I know not whereor give I know notwhat.  The travelleras he made these reflections in his mindturned hishorse'shead aboutand three minutes after the stranger had been conductedinto hischamberhe arrived at the same inn.

We havebacon in the housesaid the hostand breadand till eleveno'clockthis night had three eggs in itbut a strangerwho arrived anhour agohas had them dressed into an omeletand we have nothing.

Alas! saidthe travellerharassed as I amI want nothing but a bed. Ihave oneas soft as is in Alsatiasaid the host.

Thestrangercontinued heshould have slept in itfor 'tis my bestbedbutupon the score of his nose. He has got a defluxionsaid thetraveller. Notthat I knowcried the host. But 'tis a camp-bedandJacintasaid helooking towards the maidimagined there was not room init to turnhis nose in. Why so? cried the travellerstarting back. It isso long anosereplied the host. The traveller fixed his eyes uponJacintathen upon the groundkneeled upon his right kneehad just gothis handlaid upon his breastTrifle not with my anxietysaid he risingupagain. 'Tis no triflesaid Jacinta'tis the most glorious nose! Thetravellerfell upon his knee againlaid his hand upon his breastthensaid helooking up to heaventhou hast conducted me to the end of mypilgrimage'TisDiego.

Thetraveller was the brother of the Juliaso often invoked that nightbythestranger as he rode from Strasburg upon his mule; and was comeonherpartinquest of him.   He had accompanied his sister from ValadolidacrossthePyrenean mountains through Franceand had many an entangled skein towind offin pursuit of him through the many meanders and abrupt turnings ofa lover'sthorny tracks.

Julia hadsunk under itand had not been able to go a step farther thanto Lyonswherewith the many disquietudes of a tender heartwhich alltalk ofbutfew feelshe sicken'dbut had just strength to write aletter toDiego; and having conjured her brother never to see her face tillhe hadfound him outand put the letter into his handsJulia took to herbed.

Fernandez[for that was her brother's name] tho' the camp-bed was as softas any onein Alsaceyet he could not shut his eyes in it. As soon as itwas day heroseand hearing Diego was risen toohe entered his chamberanddischarged his sister's commission.

The letterwas as follows:

'Seig.Diego

'Whethermy suspicions of your nose were justly excited or not'tis notnow toinquireit is enough I have not had firmness to put them to farthertryal.

'How couldI know so little of myselfwhen I sent my Duenna to forbid yourcomingmore under my lattice? or how could I know so little of youDiegoas toimagine you would not have staid one day in Valadolid to have givenease to mydoubts? Was I to be abandonedDiegobecause I was deceived?or was itkind to take me at my wordwhether my suspicions were just ornoandleave meas you dida prey to much uncertainty and sorrow?

'In whatmanner Julia has resented thismy brotherwhen he puts thisletterinto your handswill tell you; He will tell you in how few momentssherepented of the rash message she had sent youin what frantic hasteshe flewto her latticeand how many days and nights together she leanedimmoveablyupon her elbowlooking through it towards the way which Diegowas wontto come.

'He willtell youwhen she heard of your departurehow her spiritsdesertedherhow her heart sicken'dhow piteously she mournedhow lowshe hungher head.   O Diego! how many weary steps has my brother's pityledme by thehand languishing to trace out yours; how far has desire carriedme beyondstrengthand how oft have I fainted by the wayand sunk intohis armswith only power to cry outO my Diego!

'If thegentleness of your carriage has not belied your heartyou will flyto mealmost as fast as you fled from mehaste as you willyou willarrive butto see me expire. 'Tis a bitter draughtDiegobut oh! 'tisembitteredstill more by dying un. . . '

She couldproceed no farther.

Slawkenbergiussupposes the word intended was unconvincedbut her strengthwould notenable her to finish her letter.

The heartof the courteous Diego over-flowed as he read the letterheorderedhis mule forthwith and Fernandez's horse to be saddled; and as novent inprose is equal to that of poetry in such conflictschancewhichas oftendirects us to remedies as to diseaseshaving thrown a piece ofcharcoalinto the windowDiego availed himself of itand whilst thehostlerwas getting ready his mulehe eased his mind against the wall asfollows.

 Ode.

Harshand untuneful are the notes of loveUnlessmy Julia strikes the keyHerhand alone can touch the partWhosedulcet movement charms the heartAndgoverns all the man with sympathetick sway.

2d.

 OJulia!

The lineswere very naturalfor they were nothing at all to the purposesaysSlawkenbergiusand 'tis a pity there were no more of them; butwhether itwas that Seig. Diego was slow in composing versesor thehostlerquick in saddling mulesis not averred; certain it wasthatDiego'smule and Fernandez's horse were ready at the door of the innbeforeDiego was ready for his second stanza; so without staying to finishhis odethey both mountedsallied forthpassed the RhinetraversedAlsaceshaped their course towards Lyonsand before the Strasburgers andthe abbessof Quedlingberg had set out on their cavalcadehad FernandezDiegoandhis Juliacrossed the Pyrenean mountainsand got safe toValadolid.

'Tisneedless to inform the geographical readerthat when Diego was inSpainitwas not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the Frankfortroad; itis enough to saythat of all restless desirescuriosity beingthestrongestthe Strasburgers felt the full force of it; and that forthree daysand nights they were tossed to and fro in the Frankfort roadwith thetempestuous fury of this passionbefore they could submit toreturnhome. When alas! an event was prepared for themof all otherthemostgrievous that could befal a free people.

As thisrevolution of the Strasburgers affairs is often spoken ofandlittleunderstoodI willin ten wordssays Slawkenbergiusgive theworld anexplanation of itand with it put an end to my tale.

Every bodyknows of the grand system of Universal Monarchywrote by orderof Mons.Colbertand put in manuscript into the hands of Lewis thefourteenthin the year 1664.

'Tis aswell knownthat one branch out of many of that systemwas thegettingpossession of Strasburgto favour an entrance at all times intoSuabiainorder to disturb the quiet of Germanyand that in consequenceof thisplanStrasburg unhappily fell at length into their hands.

It is thelot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and such likerevolutionsThevulgar look too high for themStatesmen look too lowTruth [foronce] lies in the middle.

What afatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries onehistorianTheStrasburgers deemed it a diminution of their freedom toreceive animperial garrisonso fell a prey to a French one.

The fatesays anotherof the Strasburgersmay be a warning to all freepeople tosave their money. They anticipated their revenuesbroughtthemselvesunder taxesexhausted their strengthand in the end became soweak apeoplethey had not strength to keep their gates shutand so theFrenchpushed them open.

Alas!alas! cries Slawkenbergius'twas not the French'twas Curiositypushedthem openThe French indeedwho are ever upon the catchwhen theysaw theStrasburgersmenwomen and childrenall marched out to followthestranger's noseeach man followed his ownand marched in.

Trade andmanufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever sincebut notfrom any cause which commercial heads have assigned; for it isowing tothis onlythat Noses have ever so run in their headsthat theStrasburgerscould not follow their business.

Alas!alas! cries Slawkenbergiusmaking an exclamationit is not thefirstand Ifear will not be the last fortress that has been either wonor lost byNoses.

The End ofSlawkenbergius's Tale.

 ChapterI.

With allthis learning upon Noses running perpetually in my father's fancy--with somany family prejudicesand ten decades of such tales running onfor everalong with themhow was it possible with such exquisitewas it atruenose? That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father hadcouldbear theshock at all below stairsor indeed above stairsin any otherposturebut the very posture I have described?

Throwyourself down upon the beda dozen timestaking care only toplace alooking-glass first in a chair on one side of itbefore you do it--But wasthe stranger's nose a true noseor was it a false one?

To tellthat before-handmadamwould be to do injury to one of the besttales inthe Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth decadewhichimmediately follows this.

This talecried Slawkenbergiussomewhat exultinglyhas been reserved byme for theconcluding tale of my whole work; knowing right wellthat whenI shallhave told itand my reader shall have read it thro''twould beeven hightime for both of us to shut up the book; inasmuchcontinuesSlawkenbergiusas I know of no tale which could possibly ever go downafter it.

'Tis atale indeed!

This setsout with the first interview in the inn at Lyonswhen Fernandezleft thecourteous stranger and his sister Julia alone in her chamberandisover-written.

 TheIntricacies

of

Diegoand Julia.

Heavens!thou art a strange creatureSlawkenbergius! what a whimsical viewof theinvolutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened! how this canever betranslatedand yet if this specimen of Slawkenbergius's talesandtheexquisitiveness of his moralshould please the worldtranslated shalla coupleof volumes be. Elsehow this can ever be translated into goodEnglishIhave no sort of conceptionThere seems in some passages to wanta sixthsense to do it rightly. What can he mean by the lambentpupilabilityof slowlowdry chatfive notes below the natural tonewhich youknowmadamis little more than a whisper?   The moment Ipronouncedthe wordsI could perceive an attempt towards a vibration inthestringsabout the region of the heart. The brain made noacknowledgment. There'soften no good understanding betwixt 'emI felt asif Iunderstood it. I had no ideas. The movement could not be withoutcause. I'mlost.   I can make nothing of itunlessmay it please yourworshipsthe voicein that case being little more than a whisperunavoidablyforces the eyes to approach not only within six inches of eachotherbutto look into the pupilsis not that dangerous? But it can't beavoidedforto look up to the cielingin that case the two chinsunavoidablymeetand to look down into each other's lapthe foreheadscome toimmediate contactwhich at once puts an end to the conferenceImean tothe sentimental part of it. What is leftmadamis not worthstoopingfor.

 ChapterII.

My fatherlay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death hadpushed himdownfor a full hour and a half before he began to play uponthe floorwith the toe of that foot which hung over the bed-side; my uncleToby'sheart was a pound lighter for it. In a few momentshis left-handtheknuckles of which had all the time reclined upon the handle of thechamber-potcame to its feelinghe thrust it a little more within thevalancedrewup his handwhen he had doneinto his bosomgave a hem!

My gooduncle Tobywith infinite pleasureanswered it; and full gladlywould haveingrafted a sentence of consolation upon the opening itafforded:  but having no talentsas I saidthat wayand fearing moreoverthat hemight set out with something which might make a bad matter worsehecontented himself with resting his chin placidly upon the cross ofhiscrutch.

Nowwhether the compression shortened my uncle Toby's face into a morepleasurableovalor that the philanthropy of his heartin seeing hisbrotherbeginning to emerge out of the sea of his afflictionshad bracedup hismusclesso that the compression upon his chin only doubled thebenignitywhich was there beforeis not hard to decide. My fatherinturninghis eyeswas struck with such a gleam of sun-shine in his faceasmelteddown the sullenness of his grief in a moment.

He brokesilence as follows:

 ChapterIII.

Did evermanbrother Tobycried my fatherraising himself upon hiselbowandturning himself round to the opposite side of the bedwhere myuncle Tobywas sitting in his old fringed chairwith his chin resting uponhiscrutchdid ever a poor unfortunate manbrother Tobycried my fatherreceive somany lashes? The most I ever saw givenquoth my uncle Toby[ringingthe bell at the bed's head for Trim] was to a grenadierI thinkinMackay's regiment.

Had myuncle Toby shot a bullet through my father's hearthe could nothavefallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly.

Bless me!said my uncle Toby.

 ChapterIV.

Was itMackay's regimentquoth my uncle Tobywhere the poor grenadier wassounmercifully whipp'd at Bruges about the ducats? O Christ! he wasinnocent!cried Trimwith a deep sigh. And he was whipp'dmay it pleaseyourhonouralmost to death's door. They had better have shot himoutrightas he begg'dand he had gone directly to heavenfor he was asinnocentas your honour. I thank theeTrimquoth my uncle Toby. I neverthink ofhiscontinued Trimand my poor brother Tom's misfortunesfor wewere allthree school-fellowsbut I cry like a coward. Tears are no proofofcowardiceTrim. I drop them oft-times myselfcried my uncle Toby. Iknow yourhonour doesreplied Trimand so am not ashamed of it myself.But tothinkmay it please your honourcontinued Trima tear stealinginto thecorner of his eye as he spoketo think of two virtuous lads withhearts aswarm in their bodiesand as honest as God could make themthechildrenof honest peoplegoing forth with gallant spirits to seek theirfortunesin the worldand fall into such evils! poor Tom! to be torturedupon arack for nothingbut marrying a Jew's widow who sold sausageshonestDick Johnson's soul to be scourged out of his bodyfor the ducatsanotherman put into his knapsack! O! these are misfortunescried Trim--pullingout his handkerchiefthese are misfortunesmay it please yourhonourworth lying down and crying over.

My fathercould not help blushing.

'Twould bea pityTrimquoth my uncle Tobythou shouldst ever feelsorrow ofthy ownthou feelest it so tenderly for others. Alack-o-dayrepliedthe corporalbrightening up his faceyour honour knows I haveneitherwife or childI can have no sorrows in this world. My fathercould nothelp smiling. As few as any manTrimreplied my uncle Toby;nor can Isee how a fellow of thy light heart can sufferbut from thedistressof poverty in thy old agewhen thou art passed all servicesTrimandhast outlived thy friends. An' please your honournever fearrepliedTrimchearily. But I would have thee never fearTrimreplied myuncleTobyand thereforecontinued my uncle Tobythrowing down hiscrutchand getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word thereforeinrecompenceTrimof thy long fidelity to meand that goodness of thyheart Ihave had such proofs ofwhilst thy master is worth a shillingthou shaltnever ask elsewhereTrimfor a penny.   Trim attempted to thankmy uncleTobybut had not powertears trickled down his cheeks fasterthan hecould wipe them offHe laid his hands upon his breastmade a bowto thegroundand shut the door.

I haveleft Trim my bowling-greencried my uncle TobyMy fathersmiled. Ihave left him moreover a pensioncontinued my uncle Toby. Myfatherlooked grave.

 Chapter V.

Is this afit timesaid my father to himselfto talk of Pensions andGrenadiers?

 ChapterVI.

When myuncle Toby first mentioned the grenadiermy fatherI saidfelldown withhis nose flat to the quiltand as suddenly as if my uncle Tobyhad shothim; but it was not added that every other limb and member of myfatherinstantly relapsed with his nose into the same precise attitude inwhich helay first described; so that when corporal Trim left the roomandmy fatherfound himself disposed to rise off the bedhe had all the littlepreparatorymovements to run over againbefore he could do it.   Attitudesarenothingmadam'tis the transition from one attitude to anotherlikethepreparation and resolution of the discord into harmonywhich is allinall.

For whichreason my father played the same jig over again with his toe uponthefloorpushed the chamber-pot still a little farther within thevalancegavea hemraised himself up upon his elbowand was justbeginningto address himself to my uncle Tobywhen recollecting theunsuccessfulnessof his first effort in that attitudehe got upon hislegsandin making the third turn across the roomhe stopped short beforemy uncleToby; and laying the three first fingers of his right-hand in thepalm ofhis leftand stooping a littlehe addressed himself to my uncleToby asfollows:

 ChapterVII.

When Ireflectbrother Tobyupon Man; and take a view of that dark sideof himwhich represents his life as open to so many causes of troublewhenIconsiderbrother Tobyhow oft we eat the bread of afflictionandthatwe areborn to itas to the portion of our inheritanceI was born tonothingquoth my uncle Tobyinterrupting my fatherbut my commission.

Zooks!said my fatherdid not my uncle leave you a hundred and twentypounds ayear? What could I have done without it? replied my uncle TobyThat'sanother concernsaid my father testilyBut I say Tobywhen oneruns overthe catalogue of all the cross-reckonings and sorrowful Itemswith whichthe heart of man is overcharged'tis wonderful by what hiddenresourcesthe mind is enabled to stand outand bear itself upas it doesagainstthe impositions laid upon our nature. 'Tis by the assistance ofAlmightyGodcried my uncle Tobylooking upand pressing the palms ofhis handsclose together'tis not from our own strengthbrother Shandyacentinelin a wooden centry-box might as well pretend to stand it outagainst adetachment of fifty men. We are upheld by the grace and theassistanceof the best of Beings.

That iscutting the knotsaid my fatherinstead of untying itButgive meleave to lead youbrother Tobya little deeper into the mystery.

With allmy heartreplied my uncle Toby.

My fatherinstantly exchanged the attitude he was infor that in whichSocratesis so finely painted by Raffael in his school of Athens; whichyourconnoisseurship knows is so exquisitely imaginedthat even theparticularmanner of the reasoning of Socrates is expressed by itfor heholds thefore-finger of his left-hand between the fore-finger and thethumb ofhis rightand seems as if he was saying to the libertine he isreclaiming'Yougrant me thisand this:   and thisand thisI don't askof youtheyfollow of themselves in course. '

So stoodmy fatherholding fast his fore-finger betwixt his finger and histhumbandreasoning with my uncle Toby as he sat in his old fringed chairvalancedaround with party-coloured worsted bobsO Garrick! what a richscene ofthis would thy exquisite powers make! and how gladly would I writesuchanother to avail myself of thy immortalityand secure my own behindit.

 ChapterVIII.

Though manis of all others the most curious vehiclesaid my fatheryetat thesame time 'tis of so slight a frameand so totteringly puttogetherthat the sudden jerks and hard jostlings it unavoidably meetswith inthis rugged journeywould overset and tear it to pieces a dozentimes adaywas it notbrother Tobythat there is a secret spring withinus. Whichspringsaid my uncle TobyI take to be Religion. Will thatset mychild's nose on? cried my fatherletting go his fingerandstrikingone hand against the other. It makes every thing straight for usansweredmy uncle Toby. Figuratively speakingdear Tobyit mayforaught Iknowsaid my father; but the spring I am speaking ofis thatgreat andelastic power within us of counterbalancing evilwhichlike asecretspring in a well-ordered machinethough it can't prevent the shock--at leastit imposes upon our sense of it.

Nowmydear brothersaid my fatherreplacing his fore-fingeras he wascomingcloser to the pointhad my child arrived safe into the worldunmartyr'din that precious part of himfanciful and extravagant as I mayappear tothe world in my opinion of christian namesand of that magicbias whichgood or bad names irresistibly impress upon our characters andconductsHeavenis witness! that in the warmest transports of my wishesfor theprosperity of my childI never once wished to crown his head withmore gloryand honour than what George or Edward would have spread aroundit.

But alas!continued my fatheras the greatest evil has befallen himImustcounteract and undo it with the greatest good.

He shallbe christened Trismegistusbrother.

I wish itmay answerreplied my uncle Tobyrising up.

 ChapterIX.

What achapter of chancessaid my fatherturning himself about upon thefirstlandingas he and my uncle Toby were going down stairswhat a longchapter ofchances do the events of this world lay open to us!   Take penand ink inhandbrother Tobyand calculate it fairlyI know no more ofcalculationthan this ballustersaid my uncle Toby [striking short of itwith hiscrutchand hitting my father a desperate blow souse upon hisshin-bone] 'Twasa hundred to one-cried my uncle TobyI thoughtquoth myfather[rubbing his shin] you had known nothing of calculationsbrotherToby.  a mere chancesaid my uncle Toby. Then it adds one to the chapter--repliedmy father.

The doublesuccess of my father's repartees tickled off the pain of hisshin atonceit was well it so fell out [chance! again] or the world tothis dayhad never known the subject of my father's calculationto guessittherewas no chanceWhat a lucky chapter of chances has this turnedout! forit has saved me the trouble of writing one expressand in truth Ihaveenough already upon my hands without it. Have not I promised theworld achapter of knots? two chapters upon the right and the wrong end ofa woman? achapter upon whiskers? a chapter upon wishes? a chapter ofnoses? NoI have done thata chapter upon my uncle Toby's modesty? tosaynothing of a chapter upon chapterswhich I will finish before Isleep--by mygreat grandfather's whiskersI shall never get half of 'em throughthis year.

Take penand ink in handand calculate it fairlybrother Tobysaid myfatherand it will turn out a million to onethat of all the parts of thebodytheedge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to fall uponand breakdown that one partwhich should break down the fortunes of ourhouse withit.

It mighthave been worsereplied my uncle Toby. I don't comprehendsaidmyfather. Suppose the hip had presentedreplied my uncle Tobyas Dr.Slopforeboded.

My fatherreflected half a minutelooked downtouched the middle of hisforeheadslightly with his finger

Truesaidhe.

 ChapterX.

Is it nota shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down onepair ofstairs? for we are got no farther yet than to the first landingand thereare fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I knowas myfather and my uncle Toby are in a talking humourthere may be asmanychapters as steps: let that be as it willSirI can no more help itthan mydestiny: A sudden impulse comes across medrop the curtainShandyIdrop itStrike a line here across the paperTristramI strikeitand heyfor a new chapter.

The deuceof any other rule have I to govern myself by in this affairandif I hadoneas I do all things out of all ruleI would twist it and tearit topiecesand throw it into the fire when I had doneAm I warm?   Iamand thecause demands ita pretty story! is a man to follow rulesorrules tofollow him?

Now thisyou must knowbeing my chapter upon chapterswhich I promisedto writebefore I went to sleepI thought it meet to ease my conscienceentirelybefore I laid downby telling the world all I knew about thematter atonce:   Is not this ten times better than to set out dogmaticallywith asententious parade of wisdomand telling the world a story of aroastedhorsethat chapters relieve the mindthat they assistor imposeupon theimaginationand that in a work of this dramatic cast they are asnecessaryas the shifting of sceneswith fifty other cold conceitsenoughtoextinguish the fire which roasted him? O! but to understand thiswhichis a puffat the fire of Diana's templeyou must read Longinusread away--if youare not a jot the wiser by reading him the first time overneverfearreadhim againAvicenna and Licetus read Aristotle's metaphysicksfortytimes through a-pieceand never understood a single word. But marktheconsequenceAvicenna turned out a desperate writer at all kinds ofwritingforhe wrote books de omni scribili; and for Licetus [Fortunio]though allthe world knows he was born a foetus[Ce Foetus n'etoit pasplus grandque la paume de la main; mais son pere l'ayant examine enqualite deMedecin& ayant trouve que c'etoit quelque chose de plus qu'unEmbryonle fit transporter tout vivant a Rapalloou il le fit voir aJeromeBardi & a d'autres Medecins du lieu.   On trouva qu'il ne luimanquoitrien d'essentiel a la vie; & son pere pour faire voir un essai desonexperienceentreprit d'achever l'ouvrage de la Nature& detravaillera laformation de l'Enfant avec le meme artifice que celui dont on se sertpour faireecclorre les Poulets en Egypte.   Il instruisit une Nourisse detout cequ'elle avoit a faire& ayant fait mettre son fils dans un pourproprementaccommodeil reussit a l'elever & a lui faire prendre sesaccroissemensnecessairespar l'uniformite d'une chaleur etrangere mesureeexactementsur les degres d'un Thermometreou d'un autre instrumentequivalent.  [Vide Mich. Giustinianne gli Scritt. Liguri a 223. 488. ]   Onauroittoujours ete tres satisfait de l'industrie d'un pere si experimentedans l'Artde la Generationquand il n'auroit pu prolonger la vie a sonfils quepour Puelques moisou pour peu d'annees.   Mais quand on serepresenteque l'Enfant a vecu pres de quatre-vingts ans& qu'il a composequatre-vingtsOuvrages differents tous fruits d'une longue lectureil fautconvenirque tout ce qui est incroyable n'est pas toujours faux& que laVraisemblancen'est pas toujours du cote la Verite.   Il n'avoit que dixneuf anslorsqu'il composa Gonopsychanthropologia de Origine Animaehumanae.  [Les Enfans celebresrevus & corriges par M. de la Monnoye del'AcademieFrancoise. ] ] of no more than five inches and a half in lengthyet hegrew to that astonishing height in literatureas to write a bookwith atitle as long as himselfthe learned know I mean hisGonopsychanthropologiaupon the origin of the human soul.

So muchfor my chapter upon chapterswhich I hold to be the best chapterin mywhole work; and take my wordwhoever reads itis full as wellemployedas in picking straws.

 ChapterXI.

We shallbring all things to rightssaid my fathersetting his foot uponthe firststep from the landing. This Trismegistuscontinued my fatherdrawinghis leg back and turning to my uncle Tobywas the greatest [Toby]of allearthly beingshe was the greatest kingthe greatest lawgiverthegreatestphilosopherand the greatest priestand engineersaid my uncleToby.

In coursesaid my father.

 ChapterXII.

And howdoes your mistress? cried my fathertaking the same step overagain fromthe landingand calling to Susannahwhom he saw passing by thefoot ofthe stairs with a huge pin-cushion in her handhow does yourmistress?  As wellsaid Susannahtripping bybut without looking upascan beexpected. What a fool am I! said my fatherdrawing his leg backagainletthings be as they willbrother Toby'tis ever the preciseanswerAndhow is the childpray? No answer.   And where is Dr. Slop?added myfatherraising his voice aloudlooking over the ballustersSusannahwas out of hearing.

Of all theriddles of a married lifesaid my fathercrossing the landingin orderto set his back against the wallwhilst he propounded it to myuncleTobyof all the puzzling riddlessaid hein a marriage stateofwhich youmay trust mebrother Tobythere are more asses loads than allJob'sstock of asses could have carriedthere is not one that has moreintricaciesin it than thisthat from the very moment the mistress of thehouse isbrought to bedevery female in itfrom my lady's gentlewomandown tothe cinder-wenchbecomes an inch taller for it; and givethemselvesmore airs upon that single inchthan all their other inches puttogether.

I thinkratherreplied my uncle Tobythat 'tis we who sink an inchlower. If Imeet but a woman with childI do it. 'Tis a heavy tax uponthat halfof our fellow-creaturesbrother Shandysaid my uncle Toby'Tisa piteousburden upon 'emcontinued heshaking his head Yesyes'tis apainfulthingsaid my fathershaking his head toobut certainly sinceshaking ofheads came into fashionnever did two heads shake togetherinconcertfrom two such different springs.

God bless/ Deuce take 'em allsaid my uncle Toby and my fathereach tohimself.

 ChapterXIII.

Holla!youchairman! here's sixpencedo step into that bookseller'sshopandcall me a day-tall critick.   I am very willing to give any oneof'em acrown to help me with his tacklingto get my father and my uncleToby offthe stairsand to put them to bed.

'Tis evenhigh time; for except a short napwhich they both got whilstTrim wasboring the jack-bootsand whichby-the-byedid my father nosort ofgoodupon the score of the bad hingethey have not else shuttheireyessince nine hours before the time that doctor Slop was led intothe backparlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah.

Was everyday of my life to be as busy a day as thisand to take upTruce.

I will notfinish that sentence till I have made an observation upon thestrangestate of affairs between the reader and myselfjust as thingsstand atpresentan observation never applicable before to any onebiographicalwriter since the creation of the worldbut to myselfand Ibelievewill never hold good to any otheruntil its final destructionandthereforefor the very novelty of it aloneit must be worth yourworshipsattending to.

I am thismonth one whole year older than I was this time twelve-month; andhavinggotas you perceivealmost into the middle of my third volume[Accordingto the preceding Editions. ] and no farther than to my firstday'slife'tis demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-fourdays morelife to write just nowthan when I first set out; so thatinstead ofadvancingas a common writerin my work with what I have beendoing atiton the contraryI am just thrown so many volumes backwasevery dayof my life to be as busy a day as thisAnd why not? and thetransactionsand opinions of it to take up as much descriptionAnd forwhatreason should they be cut short? as at this rate I should just live364 timesfaster than I should writeIt must followan' please yourworshipsthat the more I writethe more I shall have to writeandconsequentlythe more your worships readthe more your worships will haveto read.

Will thisbe good for your worships eyes?

It will dowell for mine; andwas it not that my Opinions will be thedeath ofmeI perceive I shall lead a fine life of it out of this self-same lifeof mine; orin other wordsshall lead a couple of fine livestogether.

As for theproposal of twelve volumes a yearor a volume a monthit noway altersmy prospectwrite as I willand rush as I may into the middleof thingsas Horace advisesI shall never overtake myself whipp'd anddriven tothe last pinch; at the worst I shall have one day the start of mypenand oneday is enough for two volumesand two volumes will be enoughfor oneyear.

Heavenprosper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious reignwhich isnow opened to usas I trust its providence will prosper everything elsein it that is taken in hand.

As for thepropagation of GeeseI give myself no concernNature is all-bountifulIshall never want tools to work with.

So thenfriend! you have got my father and my uncle Toby off the stairsand seenthem to bed? And how did you manage it? You dropp'd a curtain atthestair-footI thought you had no other way for itHere's a crown foryourtrouble.

 ChapterXIV.

Then reachme my breeches off the chairsaid my father to Susannah.There isnot a moment's time to dress youSircried Susannahthe childis asblack in the face as my As your what? said my fatherfor like alloratorshe was a dear searcher into comparisons. BlessmeSirsaidSusannahthe child's in a fit. And where's Mr. Yorick? Never where heshould besaid Susannahbut his curate's in the dressing-roomwith thechild uponhis armwaiting for the nameand my mistress bid me run asfast as Icould to knowas captain Shandy is the godfatherwhether itshould notbe called after him.

Were onesuresaid my father to himselfscratching his eye-browthat thechild wasexpiringone might as well compliment my brother Toby as notand itwould be a pityin such a caseto throw away so great a name asTrismegistusupon himbut he may recover.

Nonosaid my father to SusannahI'll get upThere is no timecriedSusannahthe child's as black as my shoe.   Trismegistussaid my fatherButstaythou art a leaky vesselSusannahadded my father; canst thoucarryTrismegistus in thy headthe length of the gallery withoutscattering? CanI? cried Susannahshutting the door in a huff. If shecanI'llbe shotsaid my fatherbouncing out of bed in the darkandgropingfor his breeches.

Susannahran with all speed along the gallery.

My fathermade all possible speed to find his breeches.

Susannahgot the startand kept it'Tis Trissomethingcried SusannahThere isno christian-name in the worldsaid the curatebeginning withTrisbutTristram.   Then 'tis Tristram-gistusquoth Susannah.

There isno gistus to itnoodle! 'tis my own namereplied the curatedippinghis handas he spokeinto the basonTristram! said he& c. & c.& c.& c. so Tristram was I calledand Tristram shall I be to the dayof mydeath.

My fatherfollowed Susannahwith his night-gown across his armwithnothingmore than his breeches onfastened through haste with but a singlebuttonand that button through haste thrust only half into the button-hole.

She hasnot forgot the namecried my fatherhalf opening the door? Nonosaidthe curatewith a tone of intelligence. And the child is bettercriedSusannah. And how does your mistress?   As wellsaid Susannahascan beexpected. Pish! said my fatherthe button of his breeches slippingout of thebutton-holeSo that whether the interjection was levelled atSusannahor the button-holewhether Pish was an interjection of contemptor aninterjection of modestyis a doubtand must be a doubt till I shallhave timeto write the three following favourite chaptersthat ismychapter ofchamber-maidsmy chapter of pishesand my chapter of button-holes.

All thelight I am able to give the reader at present is thisthat themoment myfather cried Pish! he whisk'd himself aboutand with hisbreechesheld up by one handand his night-gown thrown across the arm ofthe otherhe turned along the gallery to bedsomething slower than hecame.

 ChapterXV.

I wish Icould write a chapter upon sleep.

A fitteroccasion could never have presented itselfthan what this momentofferswhen all the curtains of the family are drawnthe candles put out--and nocreature's eyes are open but a single onefor the other has beenshut thesetwenty yearsof my mother's nurse.

It is afine subject.

And yetas fine as it isI would undertake to write a dozen chapters uponbutton-holesboth quicker and with more famethan a single chapter uponthis.

Button-holes!there is something lively in the very idea of 'emand trustmewhen Iget amongst 'emYou gentry with great beardslook as grave asyouwillI'll make merry work with my button-holesI shall have 'em alltomyself'tis a maiden subjectI shall run foul of no man's wisdom orfinesayings in it.

But forsleepI know I shall make nothing of it before I beginI am nodab atyour fine sayings in the first placeand in the nextI cannot formy soulset a grave face upon a bad matterand tell the world'tis therefuge ofthe unfortunatethe enfranchisement of the prisonerthe downylap of thehopelessthe wearyand the broken-hearted; nor could I set outwith a lyein my mouthby affirmingthat of all the soft and deliciousfunctionsof our natureby which the great Author of itin his bountyhas beenpleased to recompence the sufferings wherewith his justice and hisgoodpleasure has wearied usthat this is the chiefest [I know pleasuresworth tenof it] ; or what a happiness it is to manwhen the anxieties andpassionsof the day are overand he lies down upon his backthat his soulshall beso seated within himthat whichever way she turns her eyestheheavensshall look calm and sweet above herno desireor fearor doubtthattroubles the airnor any difficulty pastpresentor to comethattheimagination may not pass over without offencein that sweetsecession.

'God'sblessing' said Sancho Panca'be upon the man who first inventedthisself-same thing called sleepit covers a man all over like a cloak. '

Now thereis more to me in thisand it speaks warmer to my heart andaffectionsthan all the dissertations squeez'd out of the heads of thelearnedtogether upon the subject.

Not that Ialtogether disapprove of what Montaigne advances upon it'tisadmirablein its way [I quote by memory. ]

The worldenjoys other pleasuressays heas they do that of sleepwithouttasting or feeling it as it slips and passes by. We should studyandruminate upon itin order to render proper thanks to him who grantsitto us. Forthis end I cause myself to be disturbed in my sleepthat I maythe betterand more sensibly relish it. And yet I see fewsays he againwho livewith less sleepwhen need requires; my body is capable of a firmbut not ofa violent and sudden agitationI evade of late all violentexercisesIam never weary with walkingbut from my youthI never lookedto rideupon pavements.   I love to lie hard and aloneand even withoutmywifeThislast word may stagger the faith of the worldbut remember'LaVraisemblance'[as Bayle says in the affair of Liceti] 'n'est pas toujoursdu Cote dela Verite. '  And so much for sleep.

 ChapterXVI.

If my wifewill but venture himbrother TobyTrismegistus shall bedress'dand brought down to uswhilst you and I are getting our breakfaststogether.

GotellSusannahObadiahto step here.

She is runup stairsanswered Obadiahthis very instantsobbing andcryingand wringing her hands as if her heart would break.

We shallhave a rare month of itsaid my fatherturning his head fromObadiahand looking wistfully in my uncle Toby's face for some timeweshall havea devilish month of itbrother Tobysaid my fathersettinghis armsa'kimboand shaking his head; firewaterwomenwindbrotherToby! 'Tissome misfortunequoth my uncle Toby. That it iscried myfathertohave so many jarring elements breaking looseand riding triumphin everycorner of a gentleman's houseLittle boots it to the peace of afamilybrother Tobythat you and I possess ourselvesand sit here silentandunmovedwhilst such a storm is whistling over our heads.

And what'sthe matterSusannah?   They have called the child Tristramandmymistress is just got out of an hysterick fit about itNo! 'tis not myfaultsaid SusannahI told him it was Tristram-gistus.

Make teafor yourselfbrother Tobysaid my fathertaking down his hat--but howdifferent from the sallies and agitations of voice and memberswhich acommon reader would imagine!

For hespake in the sweetest modulationand took down his hat with thegenteelestmovement of limbsthat ever affliction harmonized and attunedtogether.

Go to thebowling-green for corporal Trimsaid my uncle TobyspeakingtoObadiahas soon as my father left the room.

 ChapterXVII.

When themisfortune of my Nose fell so heavily upon my father's head; thereaderremembers that he walked instantly up stairsand cast himself downupon hisbed; and from henceunless he has a great insight into humannaturehewill be apt to expect a rotation of the same ascending anddescendingmovements from himupon this misfortune of my Name; no.

Thedifferent weightdear Sirnay even the different package of twovexationsof the same weightmakes a very wide difference in our manner ofbearingand getting through with them. It is not half an hour agowhen[in thegreat hurry and precipitation of a poor devil's writing for dailybread] Ithrew a fair sheetwhich I had just finishedand carefully wroteoutslapinto the fireinstead of the foul one.

InstantlyI snatch'd off my wigand threw it perpendicularlywith allimaginableviolenceup to the top of the roomindeed I caught it as itfellbutthere was an end of the matter; nor do I think any think else inNaturewould have given such immediate ease:   Shedear Goddessby aninstantaneousimpulsein all provoking casesdetermines us to a sally ofthis orthat memberor else she thrusts us into this or that placeorposture ofbodywe know not whyBut markmadamwe live amongst riddlesandmysteriesthe most obvious thingswhich come in our wayhave darksideswhich the quickest sight cannot penetrate into; and even theclearestand most exalted understandings amongst us find ourselves puzzledand at aloss in almost every cranny of nature's works:   so that thislikea thousandother thingsfalls out for us in a waywhich tho' we cannotreasonupon ityet we find the good of itmay it please your reverencesand yourworshipsand that's enough for us.

Nowmyfather could not lie down with this affliction for his lifenorcould hecarry it up stairs like the otherhe walked composedly out withit to thefish-pond.

Had myfather leaned his head upon his handand reasoned an hour which wayto havegonereasonwith all her forcecould not have directed him toany thinklike it:   there is somethingSirin fish-pondsbut what it isI leave tosystem-builders and fish-pond-diggers betwixt 'em to find outbut thereis somethingunder the first disorderly transport of thehumoursso unaccountably becalming in an orderly and a sober walk towardsone ofthemthat I have often wondered that neither Pythagorasnor Platonor Solonnor Lycurgusnor Mahometnor any one of your noted lawgiversever gaveorder about them.

 ChapterXVIII.

Yourhonoursaid Trimshutting the parlour-door before he began tospeakhas heardI imagineof this unlucky accidentO yesTrimsaid my uncleTobyandit gives me great concern. I am heartily concerned toobut Ihope yourhonourreplied Trimwill do me the justice to believethat itwas not inthe least owing to me. To theeTrim? cried my uncle Tobylookingkindly in his face'twas Susannah's and the curate's folly betwixtthem. Whatbusiness could they have togetheran' please your honourinthegarden? In the gallery thou meanestreplied my uncle Toby.

Trim foundhe was upon a wrong scentand stopped short with a low bowTwomisfortunesquoth the corporal to himselfare twice as many at least asareneedful to be talked over at one time; the mischief the cow has doneinbreaking into the fortificationsmay be told his honour hereafter.Trim'scasuistry and addressunder the cover of his low bowprevented allsuspicionin my uncle Tobyso he went on with what he had to say to Trimasfollows:

For my ownpartTrimthough I can see little or no difference betwixtmynephew's being called Tristram or Trismegistusyet as the thing sitssonear mybrother's heartTrimI would freely have given a hundred poundsratherthan it should have happened. A hundred poundsan' please yourhonour!replied TrimI would not give a cherry-stone to boot. Nor wouldITrimupon my own accountquoth my uncle Tobybut my brotherwhomthere isno arguing with in this casemaintains that a great deal moredependsTrimupon christian-namesthan what ignorant people imagineforhe saysthere never was a great or heroic action performed since the worldbegan byone called Tristramnayhe will have itTrimthat a man canneither belearnedor wiseor brave. 'Tis all fancyan' please yourhonourIfought just as wellreplied the corporalwhen the regimentcalled meTrimas when they called me James Butler. And for my own partsaid myuncle Tobythough I should blush to boast of myselfTrimyet hadmy namebeen AlexanderI could have done no more at Namur than my duty.Bless yourhonour! cried Trimadvancing three steps as he spokedoes aman thinkof his christian-name when he goes upon the attack? Or when hestands inthe trenchTrim? cried my uncle Tobylooking firm. Or when heenters abreach? said Trimpushing in between two chairs. Or forces thelines?cried my unclerising upand pushing his crutch like a pike. Orfacing aplatoon? cried Trimpresenting his stick like a firelock. Orwhen hemarches up the glacis? cried my uncle Tobylooking warm andsettinghis foot upon his stool.

 ChapterXIX.

My fatherwas returned from his walk to the fish-pondand opened theparlour-doorin the very height of the attackjust as my uncle Toby wasmarchingup the glacisTrim recovered his armsnever was my uncle Tobycaught inriding at such a desperate rate in his life! Alas! my uncle Toby!had not aweightier matter called forth all the ready eloquence of myfatherhowhadst thou then and thy poor Hobby-Horse too been insulted!

My fatherhung up his hat with the same air he took it down; and aftergiving aslight look at the disorder of the roomhe took hold of one ofthe chairswhich had formed the corporal's breachand placing it over-against myuncle Tobyhe sat down in itand as soon as the tea-thingswere takenawayand the door shuthe broke out in a lamentation asfollows:

 MyFather's Lamentation.

It is invain longersaid my fatheraddressing himself as much toErnulphus'scursewhich was laid upon the corner of the chimney-pieceasto myuncle Toby who sat under itit is in vain longersaid my fatherinthe mostquerulous monotony imaginableto struggle as I have done againstthis mostuncomfortable of human persuasionsI see it plainlythat eitherfor my ownsinsbrother Tobyor the sins and follies of the ShandyfamilyHeaven has thought fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artilleryagainstme; and that the prosperity of my child is the point upon which thewholeforce of it is directed to play. Such a thing would batter the wholeuniverseabout our earsbrother Shandysaid my uncle Tobyif it was so-UnhappyTristram! child of wrath! child of decrepitude! interruption!mistake!and discontent!   What one misfortune or disaster in the book ofembryoticevilsthat could unmechanize thy frameor entangle thyfilaments!which has not fallen upon thy heador ever thou camest into theworldwhatevils in thy passage into it! what evils since! produced intobeinginthe decline of thy father's dayswhen the powers of hisimaginationand of his body were waxing feeblewhen radical heat andradicalmoisturethe elements which should have temper'd thineweredrying up;and nothing left to found thy stamina inbut negations'tispitifulbrotherTobyat the bestand called out for all the little helpsthat careand attention on both sides could give it.   But how were wedefeated!  You know the eventbrother Toby'tis too melancholy a one toberepeated nowwhen the few animal spirits I was worth in the worldandwith whichmemoryfancyand quick parts should have been convey'dwerealldispersedconfusedconfoundedscatteredand sent to the devil.

Here thenwas the time to have put a stop to this persecution against him; --and triedan experiment at leastwhether calmness and serenity of mind inyoursisterwith a due attentionbrother Tobyto her evacuations andrepletionsandthe rest of her non-naturalsmight notin a course ofninemonths gestationhave set all things to rights. My child was bereftofthese! What a teazing life did she lead herselfand consequently herfoetustoowith that nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town?

I thoughtmy sister submitted with the greatest patiencereplied my uncleTobyInever heard her utter one fretful word about it. She fumedinwardlycried my father; and thatlet me tell youbrotherwas tentimesworse for the childand then! what battles did she fight with meand whatperpetual storms about the midwife. There she gave ventsaid myuncleToby. Vent! cried my fatherlooking up.

But whatwas all thismy dear Tobyto the injuries done us by my child'scominghead foremost into the worldwhen all I wishedin this generalwreck ofhis framewas to have saved this little casket unbrokeunrifled.

With allmy precautionshow was my system turned topside-turvy in the wombwith mychild! his head exposed to the hand of violenceand a pressure of470 poundsavoirdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon its apexthatat thishour 'tis ninety per Cent. insurancethat the fine net-work of theintellectualweb be not rent and torn to a thousand tatters.

Still wecould have done. Foolcoxcombpuppygive him but a NoseCrippleDwarfDrivellerGoosecap [shape him as you will] the door offortunestands openO Licetus! Licetus! had I been blest with a foetusfiveinches long and a halflike theeFate might have done her worst.

Stillbrother Tobythere was one cast of the dye left for our child afterallOTristram! Tristram! Tristram!

We willsend for Mr. Yoricksaid my uncle Toby.

You maysend for whom you willreplied my father.

 ChapterXX.

What arate have I gone on atcurvetting and striking it awaytwo up andtwo downfor three volumes [According to the preceding Editions. ] togetherwithoutlooking once behindor even on one side of meto see whom I trodupon! I'lltread upon no onequoth I to myself when I mountedI'll takea goodrattling gallop; but I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon theroad. Sooff I setup one lanedown anotherthrough this turnpikeoverthatasif the arch-jockey of jockeys had got behind me.

Now rideat this rate with what good intention and resolution you may'tisa millionto one you'll do some one a mischiefif not yourselfHe'sflunghe'soffhe's lost his hathe's downhe'll break his necksee!if he hasnot galloped full among the scaffolding of the undertakingcriticks! he'llknock his brains out against some of their postshe'sbouncedout! lookhe's now riding like a mad-cap full tilt through awholecrowd of paintersfiddlerspoetsbiographersphysicianslawyerslogiciansplayersschool-menchurchmenstatesmensoldierscasuistsconnoisseursprelatespopesand engineers. Don't fearsaid II'll nothurt thepoorest jack-ass upon the king's highway. But your horse throwsdirt; seeyou've splash'd a bishopI hope in God'twas only Ernulphussaid I. Butyou have squirted full in the faces of Mess. Le MoyneDeRomignyand De Marcillydoctors of the Sorbonne. That was last yearrepliedI. But you have trod this moment upon a king. Kings have badtimeson'tsaid Ito be trod upon by such people as me.

You havedone itreplied my accuser.

I deny itquoth Iand so have got offand here am I standing with mybridle inone handand with my cap in the otherto tell my story. Andwhat init?   You shall hear in the next chapter.

 ChapterXXI.

As Francisthe first of France was one winterly night warming himself overthe embersof a wood fireand talking with his first minister of sundrythings forthe good of the state [Vide MenagianaVol. I. ] It would not beamisssaid the kingstirring up the embers with his caneif this goodunderstandingbetwixt ourselves and Switzerland was a little strengthened. --There isno endSirereplied the ministerin giving money to thesepeopletheywould swallow up the treasury of France. Poo! poo! answeredthekingthere are more waysMons. le Premierof bribing statesbesidesthat ofgiving moneyI'll pay Switzerland the honour of standing godfatherfor mynext child. Your majestysaid the ministerin so doingwouldhave allthe grammarians in Europe upon your back; Switzerlandas arepublicbeing a femalecan in no construction be godfather. She may begodmotherreplied Francis hastilyso announce my intentions by a courierto-morrowmorning.

I amastonishedsaid Francis the First[that day fortnight] speaking tohisminister as he entered the closetthat we have had no answer fromSwitzerland. SireI wait upon you this momentsaid Mons. le Premiertolay beforeyou my dispatches upon that business. They take it kindlysaidtheking. They doSirereplied the ministerand have the highest senseof thehonour your majesty has done thembut the republickas godmotherclaims herrightin this caseof naming the child.

In allreasonquoth the kingshe will christen him Francisor HenryorLewisorsome name that she knows will be agreeable to us.   Your majestyisdeceivedreplied the ministerI have this hour received a dispatchfrom ourresidentwith the determination of the republic on that pointalso. Andwhat name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin?ShadrachMesechAbed-negoreplied the minister. By Saint Peter'sgirdleIwill have nothing to do with the Swisscried Francis the Firstpulling uphis breeches and walking hastily across the floor.

Yourmajestyreplied the minister calmlycannot bring yourself off.

We'll paythem in moneysaid the king.

Sirethere are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasuryanswered theminister. I'llpawn the best jewel in my crownquoth Francis the First.

Yourhonour stands pawn'd already in this matteranswered Monsieur lePremier.

ThenMons. le Premiersaid the kingby. . . we'll go to war with 'em.

 ChapterXXII.

Albeitgentle readerI have lusted earnestlyand endeavoured carefully[accordingto the measure of such a slender skill as God has vouchsafed meand asconvenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit andhealthfulpastime have permitted] that these little books which I here putinto thyhandsmight stand instead of many bigger booksyet have Icarriedmyself towards thee in such fanciful guise of careless disportthat rightsore am I ashamed now to intreat thy lenity seriouslyinbeseechingthee to believe it of methat in the story of my father and hischristian-namesIhave no thoughts of treading upon Francis the Firstnorin theaffair of the noseupon Francis the Ninthnor in the character ofmy uncleTobyof characterizing the militiating spirits of my countrythewound uponhis groinis a wound to every comparison of that kindnor byTrimthat Imeant the duke of Ormondor that my book is wrote againstpredestinationor free-willor taxesIf 'tis wrote against any thing'tiswrotean' please your worshipsagainst the spleen! in orderby amorefrequent and a more convulsive elevation and depression of thediaphragmand the succussations of the intercostal and abdominal musclesinlaughterto drive the gall and other bitter juices from the gall-bladderliverand sweet-bread of his majesty's subjectswith all theinimicitiouspassions which belong to themdown into their duodenums.

 ChapterXXIII.

But canthe thing be undoneYorick? said my fatherfor in my opinioncontinuedheit cannot.   I am a vile canonistreplied Yorickbut of allevilsholding suspence to be the most tormentingwe shall at least knowthe worstof this matter.   I hate these great dinnerssaid my fatherThesize ofthe dinner is not the pointanswered Yorickwe wantMr. Shandyto diveinto the bottom of this doubtwhether the name can be changed ornotand asthe beards of so many commissariesofficialsadvocatesproctorsregistersand of the most eminent of our school-divinesandothersare all to meet in the middle of one tableand Didius has sopressinglyinvited youwho in your distress would miss such an occasion?

All thatis requisitecontinued Yorickis to apprize Didiusand let himmanage aconversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject. Then mybrotherTobycried my fatherclapping his two hands togethershall gowith us.

Let my oldtye-wigquoth my uncle Tobyand my laced regimentalsbehung tothe fire all nightTrim.

 [pagenumbering skips ten pages]

 ChapterXXV.

No doubtSirthere is a whole chapter wanting hereand a chasm of tenpages madein the book by itbut the book-binder is neither a foolor aknaveora puppynor is the book a jot more imperfect [at least upon thatscore] buton the contrarythe book is more perfect and complete bywantingthe chapterthan having itas I shall demonstrate to yourreverencesin this manner. I question firstby-the-byewhether the sameexperimentmight not be made as successfully upon sundry other chaptersbut thereis no endan' please your reverencesin trying experiments uponchapterswehave had enough of itSo there's an end of that matter.

But beforeI begin my demonstrationlet me only tell youthat the chapterwhich Ihave torn outand which otherwise you would all have been readingjust nowinstead of thiswas the description of my father'smy uncleToby'sTrim'sand Obadiah's setting out and journeying to the visitationat. . . .

We'll goin the coachsaid my fatherPritheehave the arms been alteredObadiah? Itwould have made my story much better to have begun withtellingyouthat at the time my mother's arms were added to the Shandy'swhen thecoach was re-painted upon my father's marriageit had so fallenout thatthe coach-painterwhether by performing all his works with theleft handlike Turpilius the Romanor Hans Holbein of Basilor whether'twas morefrom the blunder of his head than handor whetherlastlyitwas fromthe sinister turn which every thing relating to our family was aptto takeitso fell outhoweverto our reproachthat instead of thebend-dexterwhich since Harry the Eighth's reign was honestly our dueabend-sinisterby some of these fatalitieshad been drawn quite across thefield ofthe Shandy arms.   'Tis scarce credible that the mind of so wiseaman as myfather wascould be so much incommoded with so small a matter.

The wordcoachlet it be whose it wouldor coach-manor coach-horseorcoach-hirecould never be named in the familybut he constantlycomplainedof carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon the door of hisown; henever once was able to step into the coachor out of itwithoutturninground to take a view of the armsand making a vow at the sametimethatit was the last time he would ever set his foot in it againtill thebend-sinister was taken outbut like the affair of the hingeitwas one ofthe many things which the Destinies had set down in their booksever to begrumbled at [and in wiser families than ours] but never to bemended.

Has thebend-sinister been brush'd outI say? said my father. There hasbeennothing brush'd outSiranswered Obadiahbut the lining.  We'll goo'horsebacksaid my fatherturning to YorickOf all things in the worldexceptpoliticksthe clergy know the least of heraldrysaid Yorick. Nomatter forthatcried my fatherI should be sorry to appear with a blotin myescutcheon before them. Never mind the bend-sinistersaid my uncleTobyputting on his tye-wig. Noindeedsaid my fatheryou may go withmy auntDinah to a visitation with a bend-sinisterif you think fitMypoor uncleToby blush'd.   My father was vexed at himself. Nomy dearbrotherTobysaid my fatherchanging his tonebut the damp of the coach-liningabout my loinsmay give me the sciatica againas it did DecemberJanuaryand February last winterso if you please you shall ride mywife'spadand as you are to preachYorickyou had better make the bestof yourway beforeand leave me to take care of my brother Tobyand tofollow atour own rates.

Now thechapter I was obliged to tear outwas the description of thiscavalcadein which Corporal Trim and Obadiahupon two coach-horses a-breastled the way as slow as a patrolewhilst my uncle Tobyin hislacedregimentals and tye-wigkept his rank with my fatherin deep roadsanddissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and armsaseach couldget the start.

But thepainting of this journeyupon reviewing itappears to be somuch abovethe stile and manner of any thing else I have been able to paintin thisbookthat it could not have remained in itwithout depreciatingeveryother scene; and destroying at the same time that necessary equipoiseandbalance[whether of good or bad] betwixt chapter and chapterfromwhence thejust proportions and harmony of the whole work results.   For myown partI am but just set up in the businessso know little about itbutin myopinionto write a book is for all the world like humming asongbe butin tune with yourselfmadam'tis no matter how high or howlow youtake it.

This isthe reasonmay it please your reverencesthat some of thelowest andflattest compositions pass off very well [as Yorick told myuncle Tobyone night] by siege. My uncle Toby looked brisk at the sound ofthe wordsiegebut could make neither head or tail of it.

I'm topreach at court next Sundaysaid Homenasrun over my notesso Ihumm'dover doctor Homenas's notesthe modulation's very well'twill doHomenasif it holds on at this rateso on I humm'dand a tolerable tuneI thoughtit was; and to this hourmay it please your reverenceshadneverfound out how lowhow flathow spiritless and jejune it wasbutthat allof a suddenup started an air in the middle of itso finesorichsoheavenlyit carried my soul up with it into the other world; nowhad I [asMontaigne complained in a parallel accident] had I found thedeclivityeasyor the ascent accessiblecertes I had been outwitted.YournotesHomenasI should have saidare good notes; but it was soperpendiculara precipiceso wholly cut off from the rest of the workthat bythe first note I humm'd I found myself flying into the other worldand fromthence discovered the vale from whence I cameso deepso lowanddismalthat I shall never have the heart to descend into it again.

> Adwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own sizetake mywordis a dwarf in more articles than one. And so much fortearingout of chapters.

 ChapterXXVI.

See if heis not cutting it into slipsand giving them about him tolighttheir pipes! 'Tis abominableanswered Didius; it should not gounnoticedsaid doctor Kysarcius> he was of the Kysarcii of the LowCountries.

Methinkssaid Didiushalf rising from his chairin order to remove abottle anda tall decanterwhich stood in a direct line betwixt him andYorickyoumight have spared this sarcastic strokeand have hit upon amoreproper placeMr. Yorickor at least upon a more proper occasion tohave shewnyour contempt of what we have been about:   If the sermon is ofno betterworth than to light pipes with'twas certainlySirnot goodenough tobe preached before so learned a body; and if 'twas good enough tobepreached before so learned a body'twas certainly Sirtoo good tolighttheir pipes with afterwards.

I have gothim fast hung upquoth Didius to himselfupon one of the twohorns ofmy dilemmalet him get off as he can.

I haveundergone such unspeakable tormentsin bringing forth this sermonquothYorickupon this occasionthat I declareDidiusI would suffermartyrdomandif it was possible my horse with mea thousand times overbefore Iwould sit down and make such another:   I was delivered of it atthe wrongend of meit came from my head instead of my heartand it isfor thepain it gave meboth in the writing and preaching of itthat Irevengemyself of itin this mannerTo preachto shew the extent of ourreadingor the subtleties of our witto parade in the eyes of the vulgarwith thebeggarly accounts of a little learningtinsel'd over with a fewwordswhich glitterbut convey little light and less warmthis adishonestuse of the poor single half hour in a week which is put into ourhands'Tisnot preaching the gospelbut ourselvesFor my own partcontinuedYorickI had rather direct five words point-blank to the heart. --

As Yorickpronounced the word point-blankmy uncle Toby rose up to saysomethingupon projectileswhen a single word and no more uttered from theoppositeside of the table drew every one's ears towards ita word of allothers inthe dictionary the last in that place to be expecteda word I amashamed towriteyet must be writtenmust be readillegaluncanonicalguess tenthousand guessesmultiplied into themselvesracktorture yourinventionfor everyou're where you wasIn shortI'll tell it in thenextchapter.

 ChapterXXVII.

Zounds!Z. . . ds!cried Phutatoriuspartly to himselfand yet high enoughto beheardand what seemed odd'twas uttered in a construction of lookand in atone of voicesomewhat between that of a man in amazement and onein bodilypain.

One or twowho had very nice earsand could distinguish the expression andmixture ofthe two tones as plainly as a third or a fifthor any otherchord inmusickwere the most puzzled and perplexed with itthe concordwas goodin itselfbut then 'twas quite out of the keyand no wayapplicableto the subject started; so that with all their knowledgetheycould nottell what in the world to make of it.

Others whoknew nothing of musical expressionand merely lent their earsto theplain import of the wordimagined that Phutatoriuswho wassomewhatof a cholerick spiritwas just going to snatch the cudgels out ofDidius'shandsin order to bemaul Yorick to some purposeand that thedesperatemonosyllable Z. . . ds was the exordium to an orationwhichastheyjudged from the samplepresaged but a rough kind of handling of him;so that myuncle Toby's good-nature felt a pang for what Yorick was abouttoundergo.   But seeing Phutatorius stop shortwithout any attemptordesire togo ona third party began to supposethat it was no more thananinvoluntary respirationcasually forming itself into the shape of atwelve-pennyoathwithout the sin or substance of one.

Othersand especially one or two who sat next himlooked upon it on thecontraryas a real and substantial oathpropensly formed against Yorickto whom hewas known to bear no good likingwhich said oathas my fatherphilosophizedupon itactually lay fretting and fuming at that very timein theupper regions of Phutatorius's purtenance; and so was naturallyandaccordingto the due course of thingsfirst squeezed out by the suddeninflux ofblood which was driven into the right ventricle of Phutatorius'sheartbythe stroke of surprize which so strange a theory of preaching hadexcited.

How finelywe argue upon mistaken facts!

There wasnot a soul busied in all these various reasonings upon themonosyllablewhich Phutatorius utteredwho did not take this for grantedproceedingupon it as from an axiomnamelythat Phutatorius's mind wasintentupon the subject of debate which was arising between Didius andYorick;and indeed as he looked first towards the one and then towards theotherwith the air of a man listening to what was going forwardswhowould nothave thought the same?   But the truth wasthat Phutatorius knewnot oneword or one syllable of what was passingbut his whole thoughtsandattention were taken up with a transaction which was going forwardsatthat veryinstant within the precincts of his own Galligaskinsand in apart ofthemwhere of all others he stood most interested to watchaccidents:  So that notwithstanding he looked with all the attention in theworldandhad gradually skrewed up every nerve and muscle in his facetothe utmostpitch the instrument would bearin orderas it was thoughttogive asharp reply to Yorickwho sat over-against himyetI saywasYoricknever once in any one domicile of Phutatorius's brainbut the truecause ofhis exclamation lay at least a yard below.

This Iwill endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable decency.

You mustbe informed thenthat Gastriphereswho had taken a turn into thekitchen alittle before dinnerto see how things went onobserving awicker-basketof fine chesnuts standing upon the dresserhad ordered thata hundredor two of them might be roasted and sent inas soon as dinnerwasoverGastripheres inforcing his orders about themthat DidiusbutPhutatoriusespeciallywere particularly fond of 'em.

About twominutes before the time that my uncle Toby interrupted Yorick'sharangueGastripheres'schesnuts were brought inand as Phutatorius'sfondnessfor 'em was uppermost in the waiter's headhe laid them directlybeforePhutatoriuswrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin.

Nowwhether it was physically impossiblewith half a dozen hands allthrustinto the napkin at a timebut that some one chesnutof more lifeandrotundity than the restmust be put in motionit so fell outhoweverthat one was actually sent rolling off the table; and asPhutatoriussat straddling underit fell perpendicularly into thatparticularaperture of Phutatorius's breechesfor whichto the shame andindelicacyof our language be it spokethere is no chaste word throughoutallJohnson's dictionarylet it suffice to sayit was that particularaperturewhichin all good societiesthe laws of decorum do strictlyrequirelike the temple of Janus [in peace at least] to be universallyshut up.

Theneglect of this punctilio in Phutatorius [which by-the-bye should beawarning toall mankind] had opened a door to this accident.

Accident Icall itin compliance to a received mode of speakingbut in nooppositionto the opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in this matter; Iknow theywere both prepossessed and fully persuaded of itand are so tothis hourThat there was nothing of accident in the whole eventbut thatthechesnut's taking that particular courseand in a manner of its ownaccordandthen falling with all its heat directly into that oneparticularplaceand no otherwas a real judgment upon Phutatorius forthatfilthy and obscene treatise de Concubinis retinendiswhichPhutatoriushad published about twenty years agoand was that identicalweek goingto give the world a second edition of.

It is notmy business to dip my pen in this controversymuch undoubtedlymay bewrote on both sides of the questionall that concerns me as anhistorianis to represent the matter of factand render it credible tothereaderthat the hiatus in Phutatorius's breeches was sufficientlywideto receivethe chesnut; and that the chesnutsomehow or otherdid fallperpendicularlyand piping hot into itwithout Phutatorius's perceivingitor anyone else at that time.

The genialwarmth which the chesnut impartedwas not undelectable for thefirsttwenty or five-and-twenty secondsand did no more than gentlysolicitPhutatorius's attention towards the part: But the heat graduallyincreasingand in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all soberpleasureand then advancing with all speed into the regions of painthesoul ofPhutatoriustogether with all his ideashis thoughtshisattentionhis imaginationjudgmentresolutiondeliberationratiocinationmemoryfancywith ten battalions of animal spiritsalltumultuouslycrowded downthrough different defiles and circuitsto theplace ofdangerleaving all his upper regionsas you may imagineasempty asmy purse.

With thebest intelligence which all these messengers could bring him backPhutatoriuswas not able to dive into the secret of what was going forwardsbelownorcould he make any kind of conjecturewhat the devil was thematterwith it:   Howeveras he knew not what the true cause might turnouthedeemed it most prudent in the situation he was in at presenttobear itif possiblelike a Stoick; whichwith the help of some wry facesandcompursions of the mouthhe had certainly accomplishedhad hisimaginationcontinued neuter; but the sallies of the imagination areungovernablein things of this kinda thought instantly darted into hismindthattho' the anguish had the sensation of glowing heatit mightnotwithstandingthatbe a bite as well as a burn; and if sothat possiblya Newt oran Askeror some such detested reptilehad crept upand wasfasteninghis teeththe horrid idea of whichwith a fresh glow of painarisingthat instant from the chesnutseized Phutatorius with a suddenpanickand in the first terrifying disorder of the passionit threw himas it hasdone the best generals upon earthquite off his guard: theeffect ofwhich was thisthat he leapt incontinently uputtering as herose thatinterjection of surprise so much descanted uponwith theaposiopesticbreak after itmarked thusZ. . . dswhichthough notstrictlycanonicalwas still as little as any man could have said upon theoccasion; andwhichby-the-byewhether canonical or notPhutatoriuscould nomore help than he could the cause of it.

Thoughthis has taken up some time in the narrativeit took up little moretime inthe transactionthan just to allow time for Phutatorius to drawforth thechesnutand throw it down with violence upon the floorand forYorick torise from his chairand pick the chesnut up.

It iscurious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the mind:Whatincredible weight they have in forming and governing our opinionsboth ofmen and thingsthat trifleslight as airshall waft a beliefinto thesouland plant it so immoveably within itthat Euclid'sdemonstrationscould they be brought to batter it in breachshould notall havepower to overthrow it.

YorickIsaidpicked up the chesnut which Phutatorius's wrath had flungdowntheaction was triflingI am ashamed to account for ithe did itfor noreasonbut that he thought the chesnut not a jot worse for theadventureandthat he held a good chesnut worth stooping for. But thisincidenttrifling as it waswrought differently in Phutatorius's head:

Heconsidered this act of Yorick's in getting off his chair and pickingupthechesnutas a plain acknowledgment in himthat the chesnut wasoriginallyhisand in coursethat it must have been the owner of thechesnutand no one elsewho could have played him such a prank with it:

Whatgreatly confirmed him in this opinionwas thisthat the table beingparallelogramicaland very narrowit afforded a fair opportunity forYorickwho sat directly over against Phutatoriusof slipping the chesnutinandconsequently that he did it.   The look of something more thansuspicionwhich Phutatorius cast full upon Yorick as these thoughts arosetooevidently spoke his opinionand as Phutatorius was naturally supposedto knowmore of the matter than any person besideshis opinion at oncebecame thegeneral one; and for a reason very different from any whichhave beenyet givenin a little time it was put out of all manner ofdispute.

When greator unexpected events fall out upon the stage of this sublunaryworldthemind of manwhich is an inquisitive kind of a substancenaturallytakes a flight behind the scenes to see what is the cause andfirstspring of them. The search was not long in this instance.

It waswell known that Yorick had never a good opinion of the treatisewhichPhutatorius had wrote de Concubinis retinendisas a thing which hefeared haddone hurt in the worldand 'twas easily found outthat therewas amystical meaning in Yorick's prankand that his chucking the chesnuthot intoPhutatorius's. . . . . .was a sarcastical fling at his bookthedoctrines of whichthey saidhad enflamed many an honest man in thesameplace.

Thisconceit awaken'd Somnolentusmade Agelastes smileand if you canrecollectthe precise look and air of a man's face intent in finding out ariddleitthrew Gastripheres's into that formand in short was thought bymany to bea master-stroke of arch-wit.

Thisasthe reader has seen from one end to the otherwas as groundlessas thedreams of philosophy:   Yorickno doubtas Shakespeare said ofhisancestor'wasa man of jest' but it was temper'd with something whichwithheldhim from thatand many other ungracious pranksof which he asundeservedlybore the blame; but it was his misfortune all his life longto bearthe imputation of saying and doing a thousand thingsof which[unless myesteem blinds me] his nature was incapable.   All I blame himfororratherall I blame and alternately like him forwas thatsingularityof his temperwhich would never suffer him to take pains toset astory right with the worldhowever in his power.   In every illusageof thatsorthe acted precisely as in the affair of his lean horsehecould haveexplained it to his honourbut his spirit was above it; andbesideshe ever looked upon the inventorthe propagator and believer ofanilliberal report alike so injurious to himhe could not stoop to tellhis storyto themand so trusted to time and truth to do it for him.

Thisheroic cast produced him inconveniences in many respectsin thepresent itwas followed by the fixed resentment of PhutatoriuswhoasYorick hadjust made an end of his chesnutrose up from his chair a secondtimetolet him know itwhich indeed he did with a smile; saying onlythat hewould endeavour not to forget the obligation.

But youmust mark and carefully separate and distinguish these two thingsin yourmind.

The smilewas for the company.

The threatwas for Yorick.

 ChapterXXVIII.

Can youtell mequoth Phutatoriusspeaking to Gastripheres who sat nextto himforone would not apply to a surgeon in so foolish an affaircanyou tellmeGastriphereswhat is best to take out the fire? AskEugeniussaid Gastripheres. That greatly dependssaid Eugeniuspretendingignorance of the adventureupon the nature of the partIf itis atender partand a part which can conveniently be wrapt upIt is boththe oneand the otherreplied Phutatoriuslaying his hand as he spokewith anemphatical nod of his headupon the part in questionand liftingup hisright leg at the same time to ease and ventilate it. If that is thecasesaidEugeniusI would advise youPhutatoriusnot to tamper with itby anymeans; but if you will send to the next printerand trust your cureto such asimple thing as a soft sheet of paper just come off the pressyou needdo nothing more than twist it round. The damp paperquoth Yorick[who satnext to his friend Eugenius] though I know it has a refreshingcoolnessin ityet I presume is no more than the vehicleand that the oilandlamp-black with which the paper is so strongly impregnateddoes thebusiness. Rightsaid Eugeniusand isof any outward application I wouldventure torecommendthe most anodyne and safe.

Was it mycasesaid Gastripheresas the main thing is the oil and lamp-blackIshould spread them thick upon a ragand clap it on directly.That wouldmake a very devil of itreplied Yorick. And besidesaddedEugeniusit would not answer the intentionwhich is the extreme neatnessandelegance of the prescriptionwhich the Faculty hold to be half inhalf; forconsiderif the type is a very small one [which it should be]thesanative particleswhich come into contact in this formhave theadvantageof being spread so infinitely thinand with such a mathematicalequality[fresh paragraphs and large capitals excepted] as no art ormanagementof the spatula can come up to. It falls out very luckilyrepliedPhutatoriusthat the second edition of my treatise de Concubinisretinendisis at this instant in the press. You may take any leaf of itsaidEugeniusno matter which. Providedquoth Yorickthere is no bawdryin it.

They arejust nowreplied Phutatoriusprinting off the ninth chapterwhich isthe last chapter but one in the book. Pray what is the title ofthatchapter? said Yorick; making a respectful bow to Phutatorius as hespoke. Ithinkanswered Phutatorius'tis that de re concubinaria.

ForHeaven's sake keep out of that chapterquoth Yorick.

By allmeans - added Eugenius.

 ChapterXXIX.

  Nowquoth Didiusrising upand laying his right hand with his fingersspreadupon his breasthad such a blunder about a christian-name happenedbefore theReformation [It happened the day before yesterdayquoth myuncle Tobyto himself] and when baptism was administer'd in Latin ['Twasall inEnglishsaid my uncle] many things might have coincided with itand uponthe authority of sundry decreed casesto have pronounced thebaptismnullwith a power of giving the child a new nameHad a priestforinstancewhich was no uncommon thingthrough ignorance of the Latintonguebaptized a child of Tom-o'Stilesin nomine patriae & filia &spiritumsanctosthe baptism was held null. I beg your pardonrepliedKysarciusinthat caseas the mistake was only the terminationsthebaptismwas validand to have rendered it nullthe blunder of the priestshouldhave fallen upon the first syllable of each nounand notas inyour caseupon the last.

My fatherdelighted in subtleties of this kindand listen'd with infiniteattention.

Gastripheresfor examplecontinued Kysarciusbaptizes a child of JohnStradling'sin Gomine gatris& c. & c. instead of in Nomine patris& c. Isthis abaptism?   Nosay the ablest canonists; in as much as the radix ofeach wordis hereby torn upand the sense and meaning of them removed andchangedquite to another object; for Gomine does not signify a namenorgatris afather. What do they signify? said my uncle Toby. Nothing atallquothYorick. Ergosuch a baptism is nullsaid Kysarcius.

In courseanswered Yorickin a tone two parts jest and one part earnest. --

But in thecase citedcontinued Kysarciuswhere patriae is put forpatrisfilia for filiiand so onas it is a fault only in thedeclensionand the roots of the words continue untouch'dthe inflectionsof theirbranches either this way or thatdoes not in any sort hinder thebaptisminasmuch as the same sense continues in the words as before. ButthensaidDidiusthe intention of the priest's pronouncing themgrammaticallymust have been proved to have gone along with it. RightansweredKysarcius; and of thisbrother Didiuswe have an instance in adecree ofthe decretals of Pope Leo the IIId. But my brother's childcried myuncle Tobyhas nothing to do with the Pope'tis the plain childof aProtestant gentlemanchristen'd Tristram against the wills andwishesboth ofhis father and motherand all who are a-kin to it.

If thewills and wishessaid Kysarciusinterrupting my uncle Tobyofthose onlywho stand related to Mr. Shandy's childwere to have weight inthismatterMrs. Shandyof all peoplehas the least to do in it. Myuncle Tobylay'd down his pipeand my father drew his chair still closerto thetableto hear the conclusion of so strange an introduction.

It has notonly been a questionCaptain Shandyamongst the [VideSwinburnon TestamentsPart 7. para 8. ] best lawyers and civilians in thislandcontinued Kysarcius'Whether the mother be of kin to her child'butaftermuch dispassionate enquiry and jactitation of the arguments onallsidesit has been adjudged for the negativenamely'That the motheris not ofkin to her child. ' [Vide Brook Abridg. Tit. Administr. N. 47. ]

My fatherinstantly clapp'd his hand upon my uncle Toby's mouthundercolour ofwhispering in his ear; the truth washe was alarmed forLillabulleroandhaving a great desire to hear more of so curious anargumenthebegg'd my uncle Tobyfor heaven's sakenot to disappoint himin it. Myuncle Toby gave a nodresumed his pipeand contenting himselfwithwhistling Lillabullero inwardlyKysarciusDidiusand Triptolemuswent onwith the discourse as follows:

Thisdeterminationcontinued Kysarciushow contrary soever it may seemtorun to thestream of vulgar ideasyet had reason strongly on its side; andhas beenput out of all manner of dispute from the famous caseknowncommonlyby the name of the Duke of Suffolk's case. It is cited in BrooksaidTriptolemusAnd taken notice of by Lord Cokeadded Didius. And youmay findit in Swinburn on Testamentssaid Kysarcius.

The caseMr. Shandywas this:

In thereign of Edward the SixthCharles duke of Suffolk having issue ason by oneventerand a daughter by another ventermade his last willwherein hedevised goods to his sonand died; after whose death the sondiedalsobut without willwithout wifeand without childhis motherand hissister by the father's side [for she was born of the former venter]thenliving.   The mother took the administration of her son's goodsaccordingto the statute of the 21st of Harry the Eighthwhereby it isenactedThat in case any person die intestate the administration of hisgoodsshall be committed to the next of kin.

Theadministration being thus [surreptitiously] granted to the motherthesister bythe father's side commenced a suit before the EcclesiasticalJudgealledging1stThat she herself was next of kin; and 2dlyThat themother wasnot of kin at all to the party deceased; and therefore prayedthe courtthat the administration granted to the mother might be revokedand becommitted unto heras next of kin to the deceasedby force of thesaidstatute.

Hereuponas it was a great causeand much depending upon its issueandmanycauses of great property likely to be decided in times to comebytheprecedentto be then madethe most learnedas well in the laws of thisrealmasin the civil lawwere consulted togetherwhether the mother wasof kin toher sonor no. Whereunto not only the temporal lawyersbut thechurchlawyersthe juris-consultithe jurisprudentesthe civilianstheadvocatesthecommissariesthe judges of the consistory and prerogativecourts ofCanterbury and Yorkwith the master of the facultieswere allunanimouslyof opinionThat the mother was not of [Mater non numeraturinterconsanguineosBald. in ult. C. de Verb. signific. ] kin to herchild.

And whatsaid the duchess of Suffolk to it? said my uncle Toby.

Theunexpectedness of my uncle Toby's questionconfounded Kysarcius morethan theablest advocateHe stopp'd a full minutelooking in my uncleToby'sface without replyingand in that single minute Triptolemus put byhimandtook the lead as follows.

'Tis aground and principle in the lawsaid Triptolemusthat things donotascendbut descend in it; and I make no doubt 'tis for this causethathowever true it isthat the child may be of the blood and seed ofitsparentsthatthe parentsneverthelessare not of the blood and seed ofit;inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the childbut the child bytheparentsFor so they writeLiberi sunt de sanguine patris &matrissed pater& mater non sunt de sanguine liberorum.

But thisTriptolemuscried Didiusproves too muchfor from thisauthoritycited it would follownot only what indeed is granted on allsidesthat the mother is not of kin to her childbut the fatherlikewise. Itis heldsaid Triptolemusthe better opinion; because thefatherthe motherand the childthough they be three personsyet arethey but[una caro [Vide Brook Abridg. tit. Administr. N . 47. ] ] one flesh;andconsequently no degree of kindredor any method of acquiring one innature. Thereyou push the argument again too farcried Didiusfor thereis noprohibition in naturethough there is in the Levitical lawbut thata man maybeget a child upon his grandmotherin which casesupposing theissue adaughtershe would stand in relation both ofBut who everthoughtcried Kysarciusof laying with his grandmother? The younggentlemanreplied Yorickwhom Selden speaks ofwho not only thought ofitbutjustified his intention to his father by the argument drawn fromthe law ofretaliation. 'You laidSirwith my mother' said the lad'why maynot I lay with yours? ''Tis the Argumentum communeaddedYorick. 'Tisas goodreplied Eugeniustaking down his hatas theydeserve.

Thecompany broke up.

 ChapterXXX.

And praysaid my uncle Tobyleaning upon Yorickas he and my fatherwerehelping him leisurely down the stairsdon't be terrifiedmadamthisstair-caseconversation is not so long as the lastAnd prayYoricksaidmy uncleTobywhich way is this said affair of Tristram at length settledby theselearned men?   Very satisfactorilyreplied Yorick; no mortalSirhas anyconcern with itfor Mrs. Shandy the mother is nothing at all a-kinto himandas the mother's is the surest sideMr. Shandyin course isstill lessthan nothingIn shorthe is not as much a-kin to himSirasI am.

That maywell besaid my fathershaking his head.

Let thelearned say what they willthere must certainlyquoth my uncleTobyhavebeen some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess of Suffolkand herson.

The vulgarare of the same opinionquoth Yorickto this hour.

 ChapterXXXI.

Though myfather was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learneddiscourses'twasstill but like the anointing of a broken boneThe momenthe gothomethe weight of his afflictions returned upon him but so muchtheheavieras is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips fromunderus. Hebecame pensivewalked frequently forth to the fish-pondlet downone loopof his hatsigh'd oftenforbore to snapandas the hastysparks oftemperwhich occasion snappingso much assist perspiration anddigestionas Hippocrates tells ushe had certainly fallen ill with theextinctionof themhad not his thoughts been critically drawn offand hishealthrescued by a fresh train of disquietudes left himwith a legacy ofa thousandpoundsby my aunt Dinah.

My fatherhad scarce read the letterwhen taking the thing by the rightendheinstantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it outmostly tothe honour of his family. A hundred-and-fifty odd projects tookpossessionof his brains by turnshe would do thisand that and t'otherHe wouldgo to Romehe would go to lawhe would buy stockhe would buyJohnHobson's farmhe would new fore front his houseand add a new wingto make itevenThere was a fine water-mill on this sideand he wouldbuild awind-mill on the other side of the river in full view to answer it--But aboveall things in the worldhe would inclose the great Ox-moorandsend outmy brother Bobby immediately upon his travels.

But as thesum was finiteand consequently could not do every thingandin truthvery few of these to any purposeof all the projects whichofferedthemselves upon this occasionthe two last seemed to make thedeepestimpression; and he would infallibly have determined upon both atoncebutfor the small inconvenience hinted at abovewhich absolutely puthim undera necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other.

This wasnot altogether so easy to be done; for though 'tis certain myfather hadlong before set his heart upon this necessary part of mybrother'seducationand like a prudent man had actually determined tocarry itinto executionwith the first money that returned from the secondcreationof actions in the Missisippi-schemein which he was anadventureryetthe Ox-moorwhich was a finelargewhinnyundrainedunimprovedcommonbelonging to the Shandy-estatehad almost as old aclaim uponhim:   he had long and affectionately set his heart upon turningitlikewise to some account.

But havingnever hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of thingsas made itnecessary to settle either the priority or justice of theirclaimslikea wise man he had refrained entering into any nice or criticalexaminationabout them:   so that upon the dismission of every other projectat thiscrisisthe two old projectsthe Ox-moor and my Brotherdividedhim again;and so equal a match were they for each otheras to become theoccasionof no small contest in the old gentleman's mindwhich of the twoshould beset o'going first.

People maylaugh as they willbut the case was this.

It hadever been the custom of the familyand by length of time was almostbecome amatter of common rightthat the eldest son of it should have freeingressegressand regress into foreign parts before marriagenot onlyfor thesake of bettering his own private partsby the benefit of exerciseand changeof so much airbut simply for the mere delectation of hisfancybythe feather put into his capof having been abroadtantumvaletmyfather would sayquantum sonat.

Now asthis was a reasonableand in course a most christian indulgencetodeprivehim of itwithout why or whereforeand thereby make an example ofhimasthe first Shandy unwhirl'd about Europe in a post-chaiseand onlybecause hewas a heavy ladwould be using him ten times worse than a Turk.

On theother handthe case of the Ox-moor was full as hard.

Exclusiveof the original purchase-moneywhich was eight hundred poundsit hadcost the family eight hundred pounds more in a law-suit aboutfifteenyears beforebesides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation.

It hadbeen moreover in possession of the Shandy-family ever since themiddle ofthe last century; and though it lay full in view before thehousebounded on one extremity by the water-milland on the other by theprojectedwind-mill spoken of aboveand for all these reasons seemed tohave thefairest title of any part of the estate to the care and protectionof thefamilyyet by an unaccountable fatalitycommon to menas well asthe groundthey tread onit had all along most shamefully been overlook'd;and tospeak the truth of ithad suffered so much by itthat it wouldhave madeany man's heart have bled [Obadiah said] who understood the valueof thelandto have rode over itand only seen the condition it was in.

Howeveras neither the purchasing this tract of groundnor indeed theplacing ofit where it laywere either of themproperly speakingof myfather'sdoinghe had never thought himself any way concerned in theaffairtillthe fifteen years beforewhen the breaking out of that cursedlaw-suitmentioned above [and which had arose about its boundaries] whichbeingaltogether my father's own act and deedit naturally awakened everyotherargument in its favourand upon summing them all up togetherhesawnotmerely in interestbut in honourhe was bound to do somethingfor itandthat now or never was the time.

I thinkthere must certainly have been a mixture of ill-luck in itthatthereasons on both sides should happen to be so equally balanced by eachother; forthough my father weigh'd them in all humours and conditionsspent manyan anxious hour in the most profound and abstracted meditationupon whatwas best to be donereading books of farming one daybooks oftravelsanotherlaying aside all passion whateverviewing the argumentson bothsides in all their lights and circumstancescommuning every daywith myuncle Tobyarguing with Yorickand talking over the whole affairof theOx-moor with Obadiahyet nothing in all that time appeared sostronglyin behalf of the onewhich was not either strictly applicable tothe otheror at least so far counterbalanced by some consideration ofequalweightas to keep the scales even.

For to besurewith proper helpsin the hands of some peopletho' theOx-moorwould undoubtedly have made a different appearance in the worldfrom whatit didor ever could do in the condition it layyet everytittle ofthis was truewith regard to my brother Bobbylet Obadiah saywhat hewould.

In pointof interestthe contestI ownat first sightdid not appear soundecisivebetwixt them; for whenever my father took pen and ink in handand setabout calculating the simple expence of paring and burningandfencing inthe Ox-moor& c. & c. with the certain profit it would bringhiminreturnthe latter turned out so prodigiously in his way of working theaccountthat you would have sworn the Ox-moor would have carried allbeforeit.   For it was plain he should reap a hundred lasts of rapeattwentypounds a lastthe very first yearbesides an excellent crop ofwheat theyear followingand the year after thatto speak within boundsahundredbut in all likelihooda hundred and fiftyif not two hundredquartersof pease and beansbesides potatoes without end. But thentothink hewas all this while breeding up my brotherlike a hog to eat them--knockedall on the head againand generally left the old gentleman insuch astate of suspensethatas he often declared to my uncle Tobyheknew nomore than his heels what to do.

No bodybut he who has felt itcan conceive what a plaguing thing it isto have aman's mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strengthbothobstinatelypulling in a contrary direction at the same time:   for to saynothing ofthe havockwhich by a certain consequence is unavoidably madeby it allover the finer system of the nerveswhich you know convey theanimalspirits and more subtle juices from the heart to the headand soonit isnot to be told in what a degree such a wayward kind of frictionworks uponthe more gross and solid partswasting the fat and impairingthestrength of a man every time as it goes backwards and forwards.

My fatherhad certainly sunk under this evilas certainly as he had doneunder thatof my Christian Namehad he not been rescued out of itas hewas out ofthatby a fresh evilthe misfortune of my brother Bobby'sdeath.

What isthe life of man!   Is it not to shift from side to side? fromsorrow tosorrow? to button up one cause of vexationand unbuttonanother?

 ChapterXXXII.

From thismoment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the Shandyfamilyandit is from this point properlythat the story of my Life andmyOpinions sets out.   With all my hurry and precipitationI havebut beenclearingthe ground to raise the buildingand such a building do I foreseeit willturn outas never was plannedand as never was executed sinceAdam.  In less than five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fireand thelittle drop of thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom ofmyink-hornafter itI have but half a score things to do in the timeIhave athing to namea thing to lamenta thing to hopea thing topromiseand a thing to threatenI have a thing to supposea thing todeclareathing to conceala thing to chooseand a thing to pray forThischapterthereforeI name the chapter of Thingsand my next chapterto itthat isthe first chapter of my next volumeif I liveshall be mychapterupon Whiskersin order to keep up some sort of connection in myworks.

The thingI lament isthat things have crowded in so thick upon methat Ihave notbeen able to get into that part of my worktowards which I haveall theway looked forwardswith so much earnest desire; and that is theCampaignsbut especially the amours of my uncle Tobythe events of whichare of sosingular a natureand so Cervantick a castthat if I can somanage itas to convey but the same impressions to every other brainwhich theoccurrences themselves excite in my ownI will answer for it thebook shallmake its way in the worldmuch better than its master has donebeforeit. Oh Tristram! Tristram! can this but be once brought aboutthecreditwhich will attend thee as an authorshall counterbalance the manyevils willhave befallen thee as a manthou wilt feast upon the onewhenthou hastlost all sense and remembrance of the other!

No wonderI itch so much as I doto get at these amoursThey are thechoicestmorsel of my whole story! and when I do get at 'emassureyourselvesgood folks [nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takesoffence atit] I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words! andthat's thething I have to declare. I shall never get all through in fiveminutesthat I fearand the thing I hope isthat your worships andreverencesare not offendedif you aredepend upon't I'll give yousomethingmy good gentrynext year to be offended atthat's my dearJenny'swaybut who my Jenny isand which is the right and which thewrong endof a womanis the thing to be concealedit shall be told you inthe nextchapter but one to my chapter of Button-holesand not one chapterbefore.

And nowthat you have just got to the end of these [According to theprecedingEditions. ] three volumesthe thing I have to ask ishow youfeel yourheads? my own akes dismally! as for your healthsI knowtheyare muchbetter. True Shandeismthink what you will against itopens theheart andlungsand like all those affections which partake of its natureit forcesthe blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freelythroughits channelsmakes the wheel of life run long and cheerfullyround.

Was Ileftlike Sancho Pancato choose my kingdomit should not bemaritimeora kingdom of blacks to make a penny of; noit should be akingdom ofhearty laughing subjects:   And as the bilious and more saturninepassionsby creating disorders in the blood and humourshave as bad aninfluenceI seeupon the body politick as body naturaland as nothingbut ahabit of virtue can fully govern those passionsand subject them toreasonIshould add to my prayerthat God would give my subjects grace tobe as Wiseas they were Merry; and then should I be the happiest monarchand theyare the happiest people under heaven.

And sowith this moral for the presentmay it please your worships andyourreverencesI take my leave of you till this time twelve-monthwhen[unlessthis vile cough kills me in the mean time] I'll have another pluckat yourbeardsand lay open a story to the world you little dream of.

FINIS

VOL. V 

Dixerosi quid forte jocosiushoc mihi jurisCumvenia dabis. Hor.

Si quiscalumnietur levius esse quam decet theologumaut mordacius quamdeceatChristianumnon Egosed Democritus dixit. Erasmus.

Si quisClericusaut Monachusverba joculatoriarisum moventiasciebatanathemaesto.  

SecondCouncil of Carthage.

 To theRight Honorable John

LordViscount Spencer.

 My Lord

 I Humblybeg leave to offer you these two Volumes [Volumes V. and VI. inthe firstEdition. ] ; they are the best my talentswith such bad health asI havecould produce: had Providence granted me a larger stock of eitherthey hadbeen a much more proper present to your Lordship.

I beg yourLordship will forgive meifat the same time I dedicate thiswork toyouI join Lady Spencerin the liberty I take of inscribing thestory ofLe Fever to her name; for which I have no other motivewhich myheart hasinformed me ofbut that the story is a humane one.

 I amMyLordYour Lordship's most devoted and most humble Servant

Laur.Sterne.

ChapterI.

If it hadnot been for those two mettlesome titsand that madcap of apostillionwho drove them from Stilton to Stamfordthe thought had neverentered myhead.   He flew like lightningthere was a slope of three milesand ahalfwe scarce touched the groundthe motion was most rapidmostimpetuous'twascommunicated to my brainmy heart partook of it'By thegreat Godof day' said Ilooking towards the sunand thrusting my armout of thefore-window of the chaiseas I made my vow'I will lock up mystudy-doorthe moment I get homeand throw the key of it ninety feet belowthesurface of the earthinto the draw-well at the back of my house. '

The Londonwaggon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering upon thehillscarce progressivedrag'ddrag'd up by eight heavy beasts'by mainstrength! quothInoddingbut your betters draw the same wayandsomethingof every body's! O rare! '

Tell meye learnedshall we for ever be adding so much to the bulksolittle tothe stock?

Shall wefor ever make new booksas apothecaries make new mixturesbypouringonly out of one vessel into another?

Are we forever to be twistingand untwisting the same rope? for ever inthe sametrackfor ever at the same pace?

Shall webe destined to the days of eternityon holy-daysas well asworking-daysto be shewing the relicks of learningas monks do therelicks oftheir saintswithout working oneone single miracle with them?

Who madeManwith powers which dart him from earth to heaven in a momentthatgreatthat most excellentand most noble creature of the worldthemiracle ofnatureas Zoroaster in his book [Greek] called himtheShekinahof the divine presenceas Chrysostomthe image of Godas Moses--the rayof divinityas Platothe marvel of marvelsas Aristotleto gosneakingon at this pitifulpimpingpettifogging rate?

I scorn tobe as abusive as Horace upon the occasionbut if there is nocatachresisin the wishand no sin in itI wish from my soulthat everyimitatorin Great BritainFranceand Irelandhad the farcy for hispains; andthat there was a good farcical houselarge enough to holdaye--andsublimate themshag rag and bob-tailmale and femaleall together:

and thisleads me to the affair of Whiskersbutby what chain of ideasIleave as alegacy in mort-main to Prudes and Tartufsto enjoy and make themost of.

 UponWhiskers.

I'm sorryI made it'twas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered aman'sheadA chapter upon whiskers! alas! the world will not bear it'tisa delicateworldbut I knew not of what mettle it was madenor had I everseen theunder-written fragment; otherwiseas surely as noses are nosesandwhiskers are whiskers still [let the world say what it will to thecontrary] ;so surely would I have steered clear of this dangerous chapter.

 TheFragment.

. . . Youare half asleepmy good ladysaid the old gentlemantakinghold ofthe old lady's handand giving it a gentle squeezeas hepronouncedthe word Whiskersshall we change the subject?   By no meansrepliedthe old ladyI like your account of those matters; so throwing athin gauzehandkerchief over her headand leaning it back upon the chairwith herface turned towards himand advancing her two feet as shereclinedherselfI desirecontinued sheyou will go on.

The oldgentleman went on as follows: Whiskers! cried the queen ofNavarredropping her knotting ballas La Fosseuse uttered the wordWhiskersmadamsaid La Fosseusepinning the ball to the queen's apronand makinga courtesy as she repeated it.

LaFosseuse's voice was naturally soft and lowyet 'twas an articulatevoice:  and every letter of the word Whiskers fell distinctly upon thequeen ofNavarre's earWhiskers! cried the queenlaying a greater stressupon thewordand as if she had still distrusted her earsWhiskers!replied LaFosseuserepeating the word a third timeThere is not acavaliermadamof his age in Navarrecontinued the maid of honourpressingthe page's interest upon the queenthat has so gallant a pairOfwhat?cried MargaretsmilingOf whiskerssaid La Fosseusewith infinitemodesty.

The wordWhiskers still stood its groundand continued to be made use ofin most ofthe best companies throughout the little kingdom of Navarrenotwithstandingthe indiscreet use which La Fosseuse had made of it:   thetruth wasLa Fosseuse had pronounced the wordnot only before the queenbut uponsundry other occasions at courtwith an accent which alwaysimpliedsomething of a mysteryAnd as the court of Margaretas all theworldknowswas at that time a mixture of gallantry and devotionandwhiskersbeing as applicable to the oneas the otherthe word naturallystood itsgroundit gained full as much as it lost; that isthe clergywere foritthe laity were against itand for the womenthey weredivided.

Theexcellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur De Croixwas atthat timebeginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour towardstheterrace before the palace gatewhere the guard was mounted.  The ladyDeBaussiere fell deeply in love with himLa Battarelle did the sameitwas thefinest weather for itthat ever was remembered in NavarreLaGuyolLaMaronetteLa Sabatierefell in love with the Sieur De CroixalsoLaRebours and La Fosseuse knew betterDe Croix had failed in anattempt torecommend himself to La Rebours; and La Rebours and La Fosseusewereinseparable.

The queenof Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the painted bow-windowfacing thegate of the second courtas De Croix passed through itHe ishandsomesaid the Lady BaussiereHe has a good miensaid La BattarelleHe isfinely shapedsaid La GuyolI never saw an officer of the horse-guards inmy lifesaid La Maronettewith two such legsOr who stood sowell uponthemsaid La SabatiereBut he has no whiskerscried LaFosseuseNota pilesaid La Rebours.

The queenwent directly to her oratorymusing all the wayas she walkedthroughthe galleryupon the subject; turning it this way and that way inherfancyAve Maria! what can La-Fosseuse mean? said shekneeling downupon thecushion.

La GuyolLa BattarelleLa MaronetteLa Sabatiereretired instantly totheirchambersWhiskers! said all four of them to themselvesas theyboltedtheir doors on the inside.

The LadyCarnavallette was counting her beads with both handsunsuspectedunder herfarthingalfrom St. Antony down to St. Ursula inclusivenot asaintpassed through her fingers without whiskers; St. FrancisSt.DominickSt. BennetSt. BasilSt. Bridgethad all whiskers.

The LadyBaussiere had got into a wilderness of conceitswith moralizingtoointricately upon La Fosseuse's textShe mounted her palfreyher pagefollowedherthe host passed bythe Lady Baussiere rode on.

Onedeniercried the order of mercyone single denierin behalf of athousandpatient captiveswhose eyes look towards heaven and you for theirredemption.

The LadyBaussiere rode on.

Pity theunhappysaid a devoutvenerablehoary-headed manmeeklyholding upa boxbegirt with ironin his withered handsI beg for theunfortunategoodmy Lady'tis for a prisonfor an hospital'tis for anold manapoor man undone by shipwreckby suretyshipby fireI call Godand allhis angels to witness'tis to clothe the nakedto feed thehungry'tisto comfort the sick and the broken-hearted.

The LadyBaussiere rode on.

A decayedkinsman bowed himself to the ground.

The LadyBaussiere rode on.

He ranbegging bare-headed on one side of her palfreyconjuring her by theformerbonds of friendshipallianceconsanguinity& c. Cousinauntsistermotherfor virtue's sakefor your ownfor minefor Christ'ssakeremember mepity me.

The LadyBaussiere rode on.

Take holdof my whiskerssaid the Lady BaussiereThe page took hold ofherpalfrey.   She dismounted at the end of the terrace.

There aresome trains of certain ideas which leave prints of themselvesabout oureyes and eye-brows; and there is a consciousness of itsomewhereabout theheartwhich serves but to make these etchings the strongerweseespelland put them together without a dictionary.

Haha!hehee! cried La Guyol and La Sabatierelooking close at eachother'sprintsHoho! cried La Battarelle and Maronettedoing the same: --Whist!cried oneftftsaid a secondhushquoth a thirdpoopooreplied afourthgramercy! cried the Lady Carnavallette; 'twas she whobewhisker'dSt. Bridget.

LaFosseuse drew her bodkin from the knot of her hairand having tracedtheoutline of a small whiskerwith the blunt end of itupon one sideofher upperlipput in into La Rebours' handLa Rebours shook her head.

The LadyBaussiere coughed thrice into the inside of her muffLa GuyolsmiledFysaid the Lady Baussiere.   The queen of Navarre touched her eyewith thetip of her fore-fingeras much as to sayI understand you all.

'Twasplain to the whole court the word was ruined:   La Fosseuse hadgivenit awoundand it was not the better for passing through all thesedefilesItmade a faint standhoweverfor a few monthsby theexpirationof whichthe Sieur De Croixfinding it high time to leaveNavarrefor want of whiskersthe word in course became indecentand[after afew efforts] absolutely unfit for use.

The bestwordin the best language of the best worldmust have sufferedunder suchcombinations. The curate of d'Estella wrote a book againstthemsetting forth the dangers of accessory ideasand warning theNavaroisagainst them.

Does notall the world knowsaid the curate d'Estella at the conclusion ofhis workthat Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago in most parts ofEuropewhich Whiskers have now done in the kingdom of Navarre? The evilindeedspread no farther thenbut have not beds and bolstersand night-caps andchamber-pots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since?  Arenottrouseand placket-holesand pump-handlesand spigots and faucetsin dangerstill from the same association? Chastityby naturethegentlestof all affectionsgive it but its head'tis like a ramping and aroaringlion.

The driftof the curate d'Estella's argument was not understood. They ranthe scentthe wrong way. The world bridled his ass at the tail. And whentheextremes of Delicacyand the beginnings of Concupiscencehold theirnextprovincial chapter togetherthey may decree that bawdy also.

 ChapterII.

When myfather received the letter which brought him the melancholy accountof mybrother Bobby's deathhe was busy calculating the expence of hisridingpost from Calais to Parisand so on to Lyons.

'Twas amost inauspicious journey; my father having had every foot of it totravelover againand his calculation to begin afreshwhen he had almostgot to theend of itby Obadiah's opening the door to acquaint him thefamily wasout of yeastand to ask whether he might not take the greatcoach-horseearly in the morning and ride in search of some. With all myheartObadiahsaid my father [pursuing his journey] take the coach-horseandwelcome. But he wants a shoepoor creature! said Obadiah.Poorcreature! said my uncle Tobyvibrating the note back againlike astring inunison.   Then ride the Scotch horsequoth my father hastily. Hecannotbear a saddle upon his backquoth Obadiahfor the whole world.Thedevil's in that horse; then take Patriotcried my fatherand shutthedoor. Patriotis soldsaid Obadiah.   Here's for you! cried my fathermaking apauseand looking in my uncle Toby's faceas if the thing hadnot been amatter of fact. Your worship ordered me to sell him last AprilsaidObadiah. Then go on foot for your painscried my fatherI had muchratherwalk than ridesaid Obadiahshutting the door.

Whatplaguescried my fathergoing on with his calculation. But thewaters areoutsaid Obadiahopening the door again.

Till thatmomentmy fatherwho had a map of Sanson'sand a book of thepost-roadsbefore himhad kept his hand upon the head of his compasseswith onefoot of them fixed upon Neversthe last stage he had paid forpurposingto go on from that point with his journey and calculationassoon asObadiah quitted the room:   but this second attack of Obadiah'sinopeningthe door and laying the whole country under waterwas too much.He let gohis compassesor rather with a mixed motion between accident andangerhethrew them upon the table; and then there was nothing for him todobut toreturn back to Calais [like many others] as wise as he had setout.

When theletter was brought into the parlourwhich contained the news ofmybrother's deathmy father had got forwards again upon his journey towithin astride of the compasses of the very same stage of Nevers. By yourleaveMons. Sansoncried my fatherstriking the point of his compassesthroughNevers into the tableand nodding to my uncle Toby to see what wasin thelettertwice of one nightis too much for an English gentleman andhis sonMons. Sansonto be turned back from so lousy a town as NeversWhatthink'st thouToby? added my father in a sprightly tone. Unless itbe agarrison townsaid my uncle Tobyfor thenI shall be a foolsaidmy fathersmiling to himselfas long as I live. So giving a second nodandkeeping his compasses still upon Nevers with one handand holdinghisbook ofthe post-roads in the otherhalf calculating and half listeninghe leanedforwards upon the table with both elbowsas my uncle Toby hummedover theletter.

. . . he'sgone! said my uncle TobyWhereWho? cried my father. Mynephewsaid my uncle Toby. Whatwithout leavewithout moneywithoutgovernor?cried my father in amazement.   No: he is deadmy dear brotherquoth myuncle Toby. Without being ill? cried my father again. I dare saynotsaidmy uncle Tobyin a low voiceand fetching a deep sigh from thebottom ofhis hearthe has been ill enoughpoor lad!   I'll answer forhimfor heis dead.

WhenAgrippina was told of her son's deathTacitus informs usthatnotbeing ableto moderate the violence of her passionsshe abruptly broke offher workMyfather stuck his compasses into Neversbut so much thefaster. Whatcontrarieties! hisindeedwas matter of calculation!Agrippina'smust have been quite a different affair; who else could pretendto reasonfrom history?

How myfather went onin my opiniondeserves a chapter to itself.

 ChapterIII.

. . . And achapter it shall haveand a devil of a one tooso look toyourselves.

'Tiseither Platoor Plutarchor Senecaor Xenophonor EpictetusorTheophrastusor Lucianor some one perhaps of later dateeither CardanorBudaeusor Petrarchor Stellaor possibly it may be some divine orfather ofthe churchSt. Austinor St. Cyprianor Barnardwho affirmsthat it isan irresistible and natural passion to weep for the loss of ourfriends orchildrenand Seneca [I'm positive] tells us somewherethatsuchgriefs evacuate themselves best by that particular channelAndaccordinglywe findthat David wept for his son AbsalomAdrian for hisAntinousNiobefor her childrenand that Apollodorus and Crito both shedtears forSocrates before his death.

My fathermanaged his affliction otherwise; and indeed differently frommost meneither ancient or modern; for he neither wept it awayas theHebrewsand the Romansor slept it offas the Laplandersor hanged itas theEnglishor drowned itas the Germansnor did he curse itordamn itor excommunicate itor rhyme itor lillabullero it.

He got ridof ithowever.

Will yourworships give me leave to squeeze in a story between these twopages?

When Tullywas bereft of his dear daughter Tulliaat first he laid it tohishearthe listened to the voice of natureand modulated his own untoit. O myTullia! my daughter! my child! stillstillstill'twas O myTullia! myTullia!   Methinks I see my TulliaI hear my TulliaI talkwith myTullia. But as soon as he began to look into the stores ofphilosophyand consider how many excellent things might be said upon theoccasionnobody upon earth can conceivesays the great oratorhowhappyhowjoyful it made me.

My fatherwas as proud of his eloquence as Marcus Tullius Cicero could befor hislifeandfor aught I am convinced of to the contrary at presentwith asmuch reason:   it was indeed his strengthand his weakness too.Hisstrengthfor he was by nature eloquent; and his weaknessfor he washourly adupe to it; andprovided an occasion in life would but permit himto shewhis talentsor say either a wise thinga wittyor a shrewd one[batingthe case of a systematic misfortune] he had all he wanted. Ablessingwhich tied up my father's tongueand a misfortune which let itloose witha good gracewere pretty equal:   sometimesindeedthemisfortunewas the better of the two; for instancewhere the pleasure oftheharangue was as tenand the pain of the misfortune but as fivemyfathergained half in halfand consequently was as well again offas ifit hadnever befallen him.

This cluewill unravel what otherwise would seem very inconsistent in myfather'sdomestic character; and it is thisthatin the provocationsarisingfrom the neglects and blunders of servantsor other mishapsunavoidablein a familyhis angeror rather the duration of iteternallyrancounter to all conjecture.

My fatherhad a favourite little marewhich he had consigned over to amostbeautiful Arabian horsein order to have a pad out of her for hisownriding:  he was sanguine in all his projects; so talked about his pad everyday withas absolute a securityas if it had been rearedbrokeandbridledand saddled at his door ready for mounting.   By some neglect orother inObadiahit so fell outthat my father's expectations wereansweredwith nothing better than a muleand as ugly a beast of the kindas everwas produced.

My motherand my uncle Toby expected my father would be the death ofObadiahandthat there never would be an end of the disasterSee here!yourascalcried my fatherpointing to the mulewhat you have done! Itwas notmesaid Obadiah. How do I know that? replied my father.

Triumphswam in my father's eyesat the reparteethe Attic salt broughtwater intothemand so Obadiah heard no more about it.

Now let usgo back to my brother's death.

Philosophyhas a fine saying for every thing. For Death it has an entireset; themisery wasthey all at once rushed into my father's headthat'twasdifficult to string them togetherso as to make any thing of aconsistentshow out of them. He took them as they came.

''Tis aninevitable chancethe first statute in Magna Chartait is aneverlastingact of parliamentmy dear brotherAll must die.

'If my soncould not have diedit had been matter of wondernot that heis dead.

'Monarchsand princes dance in the same ring with us.

'To dieis the great debt and tribute due unto nature:   tombs andmonumentswhich should perpetuate our memoriespay it themselves; and theproudestpyramid of them allwhich wealth and science have erectedhaslost itsapexand stands obtruncated in the traveller's horizon. '  [Myfatherfound he got great easeand went on] 'Kingdoms and provincesandtowns andcitieshave they not their periods? and when those principlesandpowerswhich at first cemented and put them togetherhave performedtheirseveral evolutionsthey fall back. 'Brother Shandysaid my uncleTobylaying down his pipe at the word evolutionsRevolutionsI meantquoth myfatherby heaven! I meant revolutionsbrother Tobyevolutionsisnonsense. 'Tis not nonsensesaid my uncle Toby. But is it notnonsenseto break the thread of such a discourse upon such an occasion?cried myfatherdo notdear Tobycontinued hetaking him by the handdo notdonotI beseech theeinterrupt me at this crisis. My uncle Tobyput hispipe into his mouth.

'Where isTroy and Mycenaeand Thebes and Delosand Persepolis andAgrigentum? 'continuedmy fathertaking up his book of post-roadswhichhe hadlaid down. 'What is becomebrother Tobyof Nineveh and Babylonof Cizicumand Mitylenae?   The fairest towns that ever the sun rose uponare now nomore; the names only are leftand those [for many of them arewrongspelt] are falling themselves by piece-meals to decayand in lengthof timewill be forgottenand involved with every thing in a perpetualnight:  the world itselfbrother Tobymustmust come to an end.

'Returningout of Asiawhen I sailed from Aegina towards Megara' [whencan thishave been? thought my uncle Toby] ' I began to view the countryroundabout.   Aegina was behind meMegara was beforePyraeus on therighthandCorinth on the left. What flourishing towns now prostrate upon theearth!  Alas! alas! said I to myselfthat man should disturb his soul forthe lossof a childwhen so much as this lies awfully buried in hispresenceRemembersaid I to myself againremember thou art a man. '

Now myuncle Toby knew not that this last paragraph was an extract ofServiusSulpicius's consolatory letter to Tully. He had as little skillhonestmanin the fragmentsas he had in the whole pieces of antiquity.And as myfatherwhilst he was concerned in the Turkey tradehad beenthree orfour different times in the Levantin one of which he had stayeda wholeyear and an half at Zantmy uncle Toby naturally concludedthatin someone of these periodshe had taken a trip across the Archipelagointo Asia;and that all this sailing affair with Aegina behindand Megarabeforeand Pyraeus on the right hand& c. & c. was nothing more thanthetruecourse of my father's voyage and reflections. 'Twas certainly in hismannerand many an undertaking critic would have built two stories higherupon worsefoundations. And praybrotherquoth my uncle Tobylaying theend of hispipe upon my father's hand in a kindly way of interruptionbutwaitingtill he finished the accountwhat year of our Lord was this?'Twas noyear of our Lordreplied my father. That's impossiblecried myuncleToby. Simpleton! said my father'twas forty years before Christwas born.

My uncleToby had but two things for it; either to suppose his brother tobe thewandering Jewor that his misfortunes had disordered his brain.'May theLord God of heaven and earth protect him and restore him! ' said myuncleTobypraying silently for my fatherand with tears in his eyes.

My fatherplaced the tears to a proper accountand went on with hisharanguewith great spirit.

'There isnot such great oddsbrother Tobybetwixt good and evilas theworldimagines' [this way of setting offby the byewas not likely tocure myuncle Toby's suspicions] . 'Laboursorrowgriefsicknesswantand woeare the sauces of life. 'Much good may do themsaid my uncleToby tohimself.

'My son isdead! so much the better; 'tis a shame in such a tempest tohave butone anchor.

'But he isgone for ever from us! be it so.   He is got from under thehands ofhis barber before he was baldhe is but risen from a feast beforehe wassurfeitedfrom a banquet before he had got drunken.

'TheThracians wept when a child was born' [and we were very near itquoth myuncle Toby] 'and feasted and made merry when a man went out ofthe world;and with reason. Death opens the gate of fameand shuts thegate ofenvy after itit unlooses the chain of the captiveand puts thebondsman'stask into another man's hands.

'Shew methe manwho knows what life iswho dreads itand I'll shew theea prisonerwho dreads his liberty. '

Is it notbettermy dear brother Toby[for markour appetites are butdiseases] isit not better not to hunger at allthan to eat? not tothirstthan to take physic to cure it?

Is it notbetter to be freed from cares and aguesfrom love andmelancholyand the other hot and cold fits of lifethanlike a galledtravellerwho comes weary to his innto be bound to begin his journeyafresh?

There isno terrourbrother Tobyin its looksbut what it borrows fromgroans andconvulsionsand the blowing of noses and the wiping away oftears withthe bottoms of curtainsin a dying man's room. Strip it ofthesewhat is it? 'Tis better in battle than in bedsaid my uncle Toby. --Take awayits hearsesits mutesand its mourningits plumesscutcheonsand other mechanic aidsWhat is it? Better in battle!continuedmy fathersmilingfor he had absolutely forgot my brotherBobby'tisterrible no wayfor considerbrother Tobywhen we aredeath isnot; and when death iswe are not.   My uncle Toby laid down hispipe toconsider the proposition; my father's eloquence was too rapid tostay forany manaway it wentand hurried my uncle Toby's ideas alongwith it.

For thisreasoncontinued my father'tis worthy to recollecthow littlealterationin great menthe approaches of death have made. Vespasiandied in ajest upon his close-stoolGalba with a sentenceSeptimusSeverus ina dispatchTiberius in dissimulationand Caesar Augustus in acompliment. Ihope 'twas a sincere onequoth my uncle Toby.

'Twas tohis wifesaid my father.

 ChapterIV.

Andlastlyfor all the choice anecdotes which history can produce ofthismattercontinued my fatherthislike the gilded dome which coversin thefabriccrowns all.

'Tis ofCornelius Gallusthe praetorwhichI dare saybrother Tobyyouhaveread. I dare say I have notreplied my uncle. He diedsaid myfather as.. . And if it was with his wifesaid my uncle Tobytherecould beno hurt in it. That's more than I knowreplied my father.

 ChapterV.

My motherwas going very gingerly in the dark along the passage which ledto theparlouras my uncle Toby pronounced the word wife. 'Tis a shrillpenetratingsound of itselfand Obadiah had helped it by leaving the doora littlea-jarso that my mother heard enough of it to imagine herself thesubject ofthe conversation; so laying the edge of her finger across hertwolipsholding in her breathand bending her head a little downwardswith atwist of her neck [not towards the doorbut from itby whichmeans herear was brought to the chink] she listened with all her powers: --thelistening slavewith the Goddess of Silence at his backcould nothave givena finer thought for an intaglio.

In thisattitude I am determined to let her stand for five minutes:  till Ibring upthe affairs of the kitchen [as Rapin does those of the church] tothe sameperiod.

 ChapterVI.

Though inone senseour family was certainly a simple machineas itconsistedof a few wheels; yet there was thus much to be said for itthatthesewheels were set in motion by so many different springsand acted oneupon theother from such a variety of strange principles and impulsesthatthough itwas a simple machineit had all the honour and advantages of acomplexoneand a number of as odd movements within itas ever werebeheld inthe inside of a Dutch silk-mill.

Amongstthese there was oneI am going to speak ofin whichperhapsitwas notaltogether so singularas in many others; and it was thisthatwhatevermotiondebateharanguedialogueprojector dissertationwasgoingforwards in the parlourthere was generally another at the sametimeandupon the same subjectrunning parallel along with it in thekitchen.

Now tobring this aboutwhenever an extraordinary messageor letterwasdeliveredin the parlouror a discourse suspended till a servant went out--or thelines of discontent were observed to hang upon the brows of myfather ormotherorin shortwhen any thing was supposed to be upon thetapisworth knowing or listening to'twas the rule to leave the doornotabsolutelyshutbut somewhat a-jaras it stands just nowwhichundercovert ofthe bad hinge[and that possibly might be one of the manyreasonswhy it was never mended] it was not difficult to manage; by whichmeansinall these casesa passage was generally leftnot indeed as wideas theDardanellesbut wide enoughfor all thatto carry on as much ofthiswindward tradeas was sufficient to save my father the trouble ofgoverninghis house; my mother at this moment stands profiting by it.Obadiahdid the same thingas soon as he had left the letter upon thetablewhich brought the news of my brother's deathso that before myfather hadwell got over his surpriseand entered upon his haranguehadTrim gotupon his legsto speak his sentiments upon the subject.

A curiousobserver of naturehad he been worth the inventory of all Job'sstockthoughby the byeyour curious observers are seldom worth a groatwould havegiven the half of itto have heard Corporal Trim and my fathertwoorators so contrasted by nature and educationharanguing over thesamebier.

My fatheraman of deep readingprompt memorywith Catoand SenecaandEpictetusat his fingers ends.

Thecorporalwith nothingto rememberof no deeper reading than hismuster-rollorgreater names at his fingers endthan the contents of it.

The oneproceeding from period to periodby metaphor and allusionandstrikingthe fancy as he went along [as men of wit and fancy do] with theentertainmentand pleasantry of his pictures and images.

The otherwithout wit or antithesisor pointor turnthis way or that;butleaving the images on one sideand the picture on the othergoingstraightforwards as nature could lead himto the heart.   O Trim! wouldtoheaventhou had'st a better historian! would! thy historian had a betterpair ofbreeches! O ye critics! will nothing melt you?

 ChapterVII.

My youngmaster in London is dead? said Obadiah.

A greensattin night-gown of my mother'swhich had been twice scouredwas thefirst idea which Obadiah's exclamation brought into Susannah'shead. Wellmight Locke write a chapter upon the imperfections of words.Thenquoth Susannahwe must all go into mourning. But note a secondtime:  the word mourningnotwithstanding Susannah made use of it herselffailedalso of doing its office; it excited not one single ideatingedeitherwith grey or blackall was green. The green sattin night-gownhung therestill.

O! 'twillbe the death of my poor mistresscried Susannah. My mother'swholewardrobe followed. What a procession! her red damaskher orangetawneyherwhite and yellow lutestringsher brown taffataher bone-lacedcapsher bed-gownsand comfortable under-petticoats. Not a rag wasleftbehind. 'Noshe will never look up again' said Susannah.

We had afatfoolish scullionmy fatherI thinkkept her for hersimplicity; shehad been all autumn struggling with a dropsy. He is deadsaidObadiahhe is certainly dead! So am not Isaid the foolishscullion.

Here issad newsTrimcried Susannahwiping her eyes as Trim stepp'dinto thekitchenmaster Bobby is dead and buriedthe funeral was aninterpolationof Susannah'swe shall have all to go into mourningsaidSusannah.

I hopenotsaid Trim. You hope not! cried Susannah earnestly. Themourningran not in Trim's headwhatever it did in Susannah's. I hopesaid Trimexplaining himselfI hope in God the news is not true.   I heardthe letterread with my own earsanswered Obadiah; and we shall have aterriblepiece of work of it in stubbing the ox-moor. Oh! he's deadsaidSusannah. Assuresaid the scullionas I'm alive.

I lamentfor him from my heart and my soulsaid Trimfetching a sigh.Poorcreature! poor boy! poor gentleman!

He wasalive last Whitsontide! said the coachman. Whitsontide! alas!criedTrimextending his right armand falling instantly into the sameattitudein which he read the sermonwhat is WhitsontideJonathan [forthat wasthe coachman's name]or Shrovetideor any tide or time pasttothis?  Are we not here nowcontinued the corporal [striking the end of hisstickperpendicularly upon the floorso as to give an idea of health andstability] andare we not [dropping his hat upon the ground] gone! in amoment! 'Twasinfinitely striking!   Susannah burst into a flood of tears. --We arenot stocks and stones. JonathanObadiahthe cook-maidallmelted. Thefoolish fat scullion herselfwho was scouring a fish-kettleupon herkneeswas rous'd with it. The whole kitchen crowded about thecorporal.

Nowas Iperceive plainlythat the preservation of our constitution inchurch andstateand possibly the preservation of the whole worldorwhat isthe same thingthe distribution and balance of its property andpowermayin time to come depend greatly upon the right understanding ofthisstroke of the corporal's eloquenceI do demand your attentionyourworshipsand reverencesfor any ten pages togethertake them where youwill inany other part of the workshall sleep for it at your ease.

I said'we were not stocks and stones''tis very well.   I should haveaddednorare we angelsI wish we werebut men clothed with bodiesandgovernedby our imaginations; and what a junketing piece of work of itthere isbetwixt these and our seven sensesespecially some of themformy ownpartI own itI am ashamed to confess.   Let it suffice toaffirmthat ofall the sensesthe eye [for I absolutely deny the touchthoughmost ofyour BarbatiI knoware for it] has the quickest commerce withthesoulgives a smarter strokeand leaves something more inexpressibleupon thefancythan words can either conveyor sometimes get rid of.

I've gonea little aboutno matter'tis for healthlet us only carryit back inour mind to the mortality of Trim's hat'Are we not here nowand gonein a moment? 'There was nothing in the sentence'twas one ofyourself-evident truths we have the advantage of hearing every day; andifTrim hadnot trusted more to his hat than his headhe made nothing at allof it.

'Are wenot here now; ' continued the corporal'and are we not'[droppinghis hat plumb upon the groundand pausingbefore he pronouncedtheword] 'gone! in a moment? '  The descent of the hat was as if aheavylump ofclay had been kneaded into the crown of it. Nothing could haveexpressedthe sentiment of mortalityof which it was the type and fore-runnerlike ithis hand seemed to vanish from under itit fell deadthecorporal's eye fixed upon itas upon a corpseand Susannah burstinto aflood of tears.

NowTenthousandand ten thousand times ten thousand [for matter andmotion areinfinite] are the ways by which a hat may be dropped upon thegroundwithout any effect. Had he flung itor thrown itor cast itorskimmeditor squirted itor let it slip or fall in any possibledirectionunder heavenor in the best direction that could be given toithad hedropped it like a gooselike a puppylike an assor in doingitoreven after he had donehad he looked like a foollike a ninnylike anincompoopit had fail'dand the effect upon the heart had beenlost.

Ye whogovern this mighty world and its mighty concerns with the engines ofeloquencewhoheat itand cool itand melt itand mollify itandthenharden it again to your purpose

Ye whowind and turn the passions with this great windlassandhavingdone itlead the owners of themwhither ye think meet.

Yelastlywho driveand why notYe also who are drivenlike turkeys tomarketwith a stick and a red cloutmeditatemeditateI beseech youuponTrim's hat.

 ChapterVIII.

Stay - Ihave a small account to settle with the reader before Trim can goon withhis harangue. It shall be done in two minutes.

Amongstmany other book-debtsall of which I shall discharge in due time--I ownmyself a debtor to the world for two itemsa chapter upon chamber-maids andbutton-holeswhichin the former part of my workI promisedand fullyintended to pay off this year:   but some of your worships andreverencestelling methat the two subjectsespecially so connectedtogethermight endanger the morals of the worldI pray the chapter uponchamber-maidsand button-holes may be forgiven meand that they willaccept ofthe last chapter in lieu of it; which is nothingan't pleaseyourreverencesbut a chapter of chamber-maidsgreen gownsand oldhats.

Trim tookhis hat off the groundput it upon his headand then went onwith hisoration upon deathin manner and form following.

 ChapterIX.

To usJonathanwho know not what want or care iswho live here in theservice oftwo of the best of masters [bating in my own case his majestyKingWilliam the Thirdwhom I had the honour to serve both in Ireland andFlanders] Iown itthat from Whitsontide to within three weeks ofChristmas'tisnot long'tis like nothing; but to thoseJonathanwhoknow whatdeath isand what havock and destruction he can makebefore aman canwell wheel about'tis like a whole age. O Jonathan! 'twould makeagood-natured man's heart bleedto considercontinued the corporal[standingperpendicularly]how low many a brave and upright fellow hasbeen laidsince that time! And trust meSusyadded the corporalturningtoSusannahwhose eyes were swimming in waterbefore that time comesroundagainmany a bright eye will be dim. Susannah placed it to theright sideof the pageshe weptbut she court'sied too. Are we notcontinuedTrimlooking still at Susannahare we not like a flower of thefieldatear of pride stole in betwixt every two tears of humiliationelse notongue could have described Susannah's afflictionis not all fleshgrass? Tisclay'tis dirt. They all looked directly at the scullionthescullion had just been scouring a fish-kettle. It was not fair.

What isthe finest face that ever man looked at! I could hear Trim talkso forevercried Susannahwhat is it! [Susannah laid her hand uponTrim'sshoulder] but corruption? Susannah took it off.

Now I loveyou for thisand 'tis this delicious mixture within you whichmakes youdear creatures what you areand he who hates you for itall Ican say ofthe matter isThat he has either a pumpkin for his heador apippin forhis heartand whenever he is dissected 'twill be found so.

 ChapterX.

WhetherSusannahby taking her hand too suddenly from off the corporal'sshoulder[by the whisking about of her passions] broke a little the chainof hisreflexions

Or whetherthe corporal began to be suspicioushe had got into thedoctor'squartersand was talking more like the chaplain than himself

Orwhether. . . Or whetherfor in all such cases a man of invention andparts maywith pleasure fill a couple of pages with suppositionswhich ofall thesewas the causelet the curious physiologistor the curious anybodydetermine'tis certainat leastthe corporal went on thus with hisharangue.

For my ownpartI declare itthat out of doorsI value not death atall: notthis. . . added the corporalsnapping his fingersbut with anair whichno one but the corporal could have given to the sentiment. InbattleIvalue death not this. . . and let him not take me cowardlylikepoor JoeGibbinsin scouring his gun. What is he?   A pull of a triggerapush of abayonet an inch this way or thatmakes the difference. Lookalong thelineto the rightsee!   Jack's down! well'tis worth aregimentof horse to him. No'tis Dick.   Then Jack's no worse. Nevermindwhichwe pass onin hot pursuit the wound itself which brings himis notfeltthe best way is to stand up to himthe man who fliesis inten timesmore danger than the man who marches up into his jaws. I'velook'dhimadded the corporalan hundred times in the faceand knowwhat heis. He's nothingObadiahat all in the field. But he's veryfrightfulin a housequoth Obadiah. I never mind it myselfsaidJonathanupon a coach-box. It mustin my opinionbe most natural inbedreplied Susannah. And could I escape him by creeping into the worstcalf'sskin that ever was made into a knapsackI would do it theresaidTrimbutthat is nature.

Nature isnaturesaid Jonathan. And that is the reasoncried SusannahI so muchpity my mistress. She will never get the better of it. Now Ipity thecaptain the most of any one in the familyanswered Trim. Madamwill getease of heart in weepingand the Squire in talking about itbut mypoor master will keep it all in silence to himself. I shall hearhim sighin his bed for a whole month togetheras he did for lieutenant LeFever.  An' please your honourdo not sigh so piteouslyI would say tohim as Ilaid besides him.   I cannot help itTrimmy master would say'tis somelancholy an accidentI cannot get it off my heart. Your honourfears notdeath yourself. I hopeTrimI fear nothinghe would saybutthe doinga wrong thing. Wellhe would addwhatever betidesI will takecare of LeFever's boy. And with thatlike a quieting draughthis honourwould fallasleep.

I like tohear Trim's stories about the captainsaid Susannah. He is akindly-heartedgentlemansaid Obadiahas ever lived. Ayeand as brave aone toosaid the corporalas ever stept before a platoon. There neverwas abetter officer in the king's armyor a better man in God's world;for hewould march up to the mouth of a cannonthough he saw the lightedmatch atthe very touch-holeand yetfor all thathe has a heart assoft as achild for other people. He would not hurt a chicken. I wouldsoonerquoth Jonathandrive such a gentleman for seven pounds a yearthan somefor eight. Thank theeJonathan! for thy twenty shillingsasmuchJonathansaid the corporalshaking him by the handas if thouhadst putthe money into my own pocket. I would serve him to the day of mydeath outof love.   He is a friend and a brother to meand could I besure mypoor brother Tom was deadcontinued the corporaltaking out hishandkerchiefwasI worth ten thousand poundsI would leave everyshillingof it to the captain. Trim could not refrain from tears at thistestamentaryproof he gave of his affection to his master. The wholekitchenwas affected. Do tell us the story of the poor lieutenantsaidSusannah. Withall my heartanswered the corporal.

Susannahthe cookJonathanObadiahand corporal Trimformed a circleabout thefire; and as soon as the scullion had shut the kitchen doorthecorporalbegun.

 ChapterXI.

I am aTurk if I had not as much forgot my motheras if Nature hadplaisteredme upand set me down naked upon the banks of the river Nilewithoutone. Your most obedient servantMadamI've cost you a great dealoftroubleI wish it may answer; but you have left a crack in my backand here'sa great piece fallen off here beforeand what must I do withthisfoot? I shall never reach England with it.

For my ownpartI never wonder at any thing; and so often has my judgmentdeceivedme in my lifethat I always suspect itright or wrongat leastI amseldom hot upon cold subjects.   For all thisI reverence truthasmuch asany body; and when it has slipped usif a man will but take me bythe handand go quietly and search for itas for a thing we have bothlostandcan neither of us do well withoutI'll go to the world's endwithhim: But I hate disputesand therefore [bating religious pointsorsuch astouch society] I would almost subscribe to any thing which does notchoak mein the first passagerather than be drawn into oneBut I cannotbearsuffocationand bad smells worst of all. For which reasonsIresolvedfrom the beginningThat if ever the army of martyrs was to beaugmentedora new one raisedI would have no hand in itone way ort'other.

 ChapterXII.

But toreturn to my mother.

My uncleToby's opinionMadam'that there could be no harm in CorneliusGallusthe Roman praetor's lying with his wife; 'or rather the last wordof thatopinion[for it was all my mother heard of it] caught hold of herby theweak part of the whole sex: You shall not mistake meI mean hercuriositysheinstantly concluded herself the subject of theconversationand with that prepossession upon her fancyyou will readilyconceiveevery word my father saidwas accommodated either to herselforher familyconcerns.

PrayMadamin what street does the lady livewho would not have donethe same?

From thestrange mode of Cornelius's deathmy father had made a transitionto that ofSocratesand was giving my uncle Toby an abstract of hispleadingbefore his judges; 'twas irresistible: not the oration ofSocratesbutmy father's temptation to it. He had wrote the Life ofSocrates[This book my father would never consent to publish; 'tis inmanuscriptwith some other tracts of hisin the familyallor most ofwhich willbe printed in due time. ] himself the year before he left offtradewhichI fearwas the means of hastening him out of it; so that noone wasable to set out with so full a sailand in so swelling a tide ofheroicloftiness upon the occasionas my father was.   Not a period inSocrates'sorationwhich closed with a shorter word than transmigrationorannihilationor a worse thought in the middle of it than to beor notto betheentering upon a new and untried state of thingsorupon alongaprofound and peaceful sleepwithout dreamswithout disturbance?That weand our children were born to diebut neither of us born to beslaves. NothereI mistake; that was part of Eleazer's orationasrecordedby Josephus [de Bell. Judaic] Eleazer owns he had it from thephilosophersof India; in all likelihood Alexander the Greatin hisirruptioninto Indiaafter he had over-run Persiaamongst the many thingshestolestole that sentiment also; by which means it was carriedifnotall theway by himself [for we all know he died at Babylon]at least bysome ofhis marodersinto Greecefrom Greece it got to Romefrom RometoFranceand from France to England: So things come round.

By landcarriageI can conceive no other way.

By waterthe sentiment might easily have come down the Ganges into theSinusGangeticusor Bay of Bengaland so into the Indian Sea; andfollowingthe course of trade [the way from India by the Cape of Good Hopebeing thenunknown]might be carried with other drugs and spices up theRed Sea toJoddahthe port of Mekkaor else to Tor or Suestowns at thebottom ofthe gulf; and from thence by karrawans to Coptosbut three daysjourneydistantso down the Nile directly to Alexandriawhere theSentimentwould be landed at the very foot of the great stair-case of theAlexandrianlibraryand from that store-house it would be fetched. Blessme! what atrade was driven by the learned in those days!

 ChapterXIII.

Now myfather had a waya little like that of Job's [in case there everwas such amanif notthere's an end of the matter.

Thoughbythe byebecause your learned men find some difficulty in fixingtheprecise aera in which so great a man lived; whetherfor instancebefore orafter the patriarchs& c. to votethereforethat he neverlived atallis a little cruel'tis not doing as they would be done by--happenthat as it may] My fatherI sayhad a waywhen things wentextremelywrong with himespecially upon the first sally of hisimpatienceofwondering why he was begotwishing himself dead;sometimesworse: And when the provocation ran highand grief touched hislips withmore than ordinary powersSiryou scarce could havedistinguishedhim from Socrates himself. Every word would breathe thesentimentsof a soul disdaining lifeand careless about all its issues;for whichreasonthough my mother was a woman of no deep readingyet theabstractof Socrates's orationwhich my father was giving my uncle Tobywas notaltogether new to her. She listened to it with composedintelligenceand would have done so to the end of the chapterhad not myfatherplunged [which he had no occasion to have done] into that part ofthepleading where the great philosopher reckons up his connectionshisalliancesand children; but renounces a security to be so won by workingupon thepassions of his judges. 'I have friendsI have relationsIhave threedesolate children'says Socrates.

Thencried my motheropening the dooryou have one moreMr. Shandythan Iknow of.

By heaven!I have one lesssaid my fathergetting up and walking out ofthe room.

 ChapterXIV.

They areSocrates's childrensaid my uncle Toby.   He has been dead ahundredyears agoreplied my mother.

My uncleToby was no chronologerso not caring to advance one step butupon safegroundhe laid down his pipe deliberately upon the tableandrising upand taking my mother most kindly by the handwithout sayinganotherwordeither good or badto herhe led her out after my fatherthat hemight finish the ecclaircissement himself.

 ChapterXV.

Had thisvolume been a farcewhichunless every one's life and opinionsare to belooked upon as a farce as well as mineI see no reason tosupposethelast chapterSirhad finished the first act of itand thenthischapter must have set off thus.

Ptr. . . r.. . r. . . ingtwingtwangpruttrut'tis a cursed badfiddle. Doyou know whether my fiddle's in tune or no? trut. . . prut. .. Theyshould be fifths. 'Tis wickedly strungtr. . . a. e. i. o. u. -twang.The bridgeis a mile too highand the sound post absolutely downelsetrut. .. pruthark! tis not so bad a tone. Diddle diddlediddle diddlediddlediddledum.   There is nothing in playing before good judgesbutthere's aman therenonot him with the bundle under his armthe graveman inblack. 'Sdeath! not the gentleman with the sword on. SirI hadratherplay a Caprichio to Calliope herselfthan draw my bow across myfiddlebefore that very man; and yet I'll stake my Cremona to a Jew'strumpwhich is the greatest musical odds that ever were laidthat I willthismoment stop three hundred and fifty leagues out of tune upon myfiddlewithout punishing one single nerve that belongs to himTwaddlediddletweddle diddletwiddle diddletwoddle diddletwuddle diddle--pruttrutkrishkrashkrush. I've undone youSirbut you see he'snoworseand was Apollo to take his fiddle after mehe can make him nobetter.

Diddlediddlediddle diddlediddle diddlehumdumdrum.

Yourworships and your reverences love musicand God has made you allwith goodearsand some of you play delightfully yourselvestrut-prutprut-trut.

O! thereiswhom I could sit and hear whole dayswhose talents lie inmakingwhat he fiddles to be feltwho inspires me with his joys andhopesandputs the most hidden springs of my heart into motion. If youwouldborrow five guineas of meSirwhich is generally ten guineas morethan Ihave to spareor you Messrs. Apothecary and Taylorwant your billspayingthat's your time.

 ChapterXVI.

The firstthing which entered my father's headafter affairs were a littlesettled inthe familyand Susanna had got possession of my mother's greensattinnight-gownwas to sit down coollyafter the example of Xenophonand writea Tristra-paediaor system of education for me; collecting firstfor thatpurpose his own scattered thoughtscounselsand notions; andbindingthem togetherso as to form an Institute for the government of mychildhoodand adolescence.   I was my father's last stakehe had lost mybrotherBobby entirelyhe had lostby his own computationfull three-fourths ofmethat ishe had been unfortunate in his three first greatcasts formemy geniturenoseand namethere was but this one left;andaccordingly my father gave himself up to it with as much devotion asever myuncle Toby had done to his doctrine of projectils. The differencebetweenthem wasthat my uncle Toby drew his whole knowledge of projectilsfromNicholas TartagliaMy father spun hisevery thread of itout of hisownbrainor reeled and cross-twisted what all other spinners andspinstershad spun before himthat 'twas pretty near the same torture tohim.

In aboutthree yearsor something moremy father had got advanced almostinto themiddle of his work. Like all other writershe met withdisappointments. Heimagined he should be able to bring whatever he had tosayintoso small a compassthat when it was finished and boundit mightbe rolledup in my mother's hussive. Matter grows under our hands. Let nomansay'ComeI'll write a duodecimo. '

My fathergave himself up to ithoweverwith the most painful diligenceproceedingstep by step in every linewith the same kind of caution andcircumspection[though I cannot say upon quite so religious a principle] aswas usedby John de la Cassethe lord archbishop of Beneventoincompassinghis Galatea; in which his Grace of Benevento spent near fortyyears ofhis life; and when the thing came outit was not of above halfthe sizeor the thickness of a Rider's Almanack. How the holy man managedtheaffairunless he spent the greatest part of his time in combing hiswhiskersor playing at primero with his chaplainwould pose any mortalnot letinto the true secret; and therefore 'tis worth explaining to theworldwasit only for the encouragement of those few in itwho write notso much tobe fedas to be famous.

I own hadJohn de la Cassethe archbishop of Beneventofor whose memory[notwithstandinghis Galatea] I retain the highest venerationhad hebeenSira slender clerkof dull witslow partscostive headand soforthheand his Galatea might have jogged on together to the age ofMethuselahfor methe phaenomenon had not been worth a parenthesis.

But thereverse of this was the truth:   John de la Casse was a genius offine partsand fertile fancy; and yet with all these great advantages ofnaturewhich should have pricked him forwards with his Galateahe layunder animpuissance at the same time of advancing above a line and a halfin thecompass of a whole summer's day:   this disability in his Gracearosefrom anopinion he was afflicted withwhich opinion was thisviz. thatwhenever aChristian was writing a book [not for his private amusementbut] wherehis intent and purpose wasbona fideto print and publish itto theworldhis first thoughts were always the temptations of the evilone. Thiswas the state of ordinary writers:   but when a personage ofvenerablecharacter and high stationeither in church or stateonceturnedauthorhe maintainedthat from the very moment he took pen inhandallthe devils in hell broke out of their holes to cajole him. 'TwasTerm-timewith themevery thoughtfirst and lastwas captious; howspeciousand good soever'twas all one; in whatever form or colour itpresenteditself to the imagination'twas still a stroke of one or otherof 'emlevell'd at himand was to be fenced off. So that the life of awriterwhatever he might fancy to the contrarywas not so much a state ofcompositionas a state of warfare; and his probation in itprecisely thatof anyother man militant upon earthboth depending alikenot half somuch uponthe degrees of his witas his Resistance.

My fatherwas hugely pleased with this theory of John de la Cassearchbishopof Benevento; and [had it not cramped him a little in his creed]I believewould have given ten of the best acres in the Shandy estatetohave beenthe broacher of it. How far my father actually believed in thedevilwill be seenwhen I come to speak of my father's religious notionsin theprogress of this work:   'tis enough to say hereas he could nothave thehonour of itin the literal sense of the doctrinehe took upwith theallegory of it; and would often sayespecially when his pen was alittleretrogradethere was as much good meaningtruthand knowledgecouchedunder the veil of John de la Casse's parabolical representationas was tobe found in any one poetic fiction or mystic record ofantiquity. Prejudiceof educationhe would sayis the deviland themultitudesof them which we suck in with our mother's milkare the deviland all. Weare haunted with thembrother Tobyin all our lucubrationsandresearches; and was a man fool enough to submit tamely to what theyobtrudedupon himwhat would his book be?   Nothinghe would addthrowinghis pen away with a vengeancenothing but a farrago of the clackof nursesand of the nonsense of the old women [of both sexes] throughoutthekingdom.

This isthe best account I am determined to give of the slow progress myfathermade in his Tristra-paedia; at which [as I said] he was three yearsandsomething moreindefatigably at workandat lasthad scarcecompletedby this own reckoningone half of his undertaking:   themisfortunewasthat I was all that time totally neglected and abandoned tomy mother;and what was almost as badby the very delaythe first part ofthe workupon which my father had spent the most of his painswasrenderedentirely uselessevery day a page or two became of noconsequence.

Certainlyit was ordained as a scourge upon the pride of human wisdomThat thewisest of us all should thus outwit ourselvesand eternallyforego ourpurposes in the intemperate act of pursuing them.

In shortmy father was so long in all his acts of resistanceor in otherwordsheadvanced so very slow with his workand I began to live and getforwardsat such a ratethat if an event had not happenedwhichwhen weget to itif it can be told with decencyshall not be concealed a momentfrom thereaderI verily believeI had put by my fatherand left himdrawing asundialfor no better purpose than to be buried under ground.

 ChapterXVII.

'TwasnothingI did not lose two drops of blood by it'twas not worthcalling ina surgeonhad he lived next door to usthousands suffer bychoicewhat I did by accident. Doctor Slop made ten times more of itthan therewas occasion: some men riseby the art of hanging greatweightsupon small wiresand I am this day [August the 10th1761] payingpart ofthe price of this man's reputation. O 'twould provoke a stonetosee howthings are carried on in this world! The chamber-maid had left no. . . . . . .. . . under the bed: Cannot you contrivemasterquoth Susannahlifting upthe sash with one handas she spokeand helping me up into thewindow-seatwith the othercannot you managemy dearfor a single timeto . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ?

I was fiveyears old. Susannah did not consider that nothing was well hungin ourfamilyso slap came the sash down like lightning upon us; Nothingisleftcried Susannahnothing is leftfor mebut to run my country. --

My uncleToby's house was a much kinder sanctuary; and so Susannah fled toit.

 ChapterXVIII.

WhenSusannah told the corporal the misadventure of the sashwith all thecircumstanceswhich attended the murder of me[as she called it] thebloodforsook his cheeksall accessaries in murder being principalsTrim'sconscience told him he was as much to blame as Susannahand if thedoctrinehad been truemy uncle Toby had as much of the bloodshed toanswer forto heavenas either of 'em; so that neither reason orinstinctseparate or togethercould possibly have guided Susannah's stepsto soproper an asylum.   It is in vain to leave this to the Reader'simagination: toform any kind of hypothesis that will render thesepropositionsfeasiblehe must cudgel his brains soreand to do itwithouthemust have such brains as no reader ever had before him. Whyshould Iput them either to trial or to torture?   'Tis my own affair:  I'llexplain itmyself.

 ChapterXIX.

'Tis apityTrimsaid my uncle Tobyresting with his hand upon thecorporal'sshoulderas they both stood surveying their worksthat wehave not acouple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge of that newredoubt; 'twouldsecure the lines all along thereand make the attack onthat sidequite complete: get me a couple castTrim.

Yourhonour shall have themreplied Trimbefore tomorrow morning.

It was thejoy of Trim's heartnor was his fertile head ever at a loss forexpedientsin doing itto supply my uncle Toby in his campaignswithwhateverhis fancy called for; had it been his last crownhe would havesate downand hammered it into a padereroto have prevented a single wishin hismaster.   The corporal had alreadywhat with cutting off the endsof myuncle Toby's spoutshacking and chiseling up the sides of his leadenguttersmeltingdown his pewter shaving-basonand going at lastlikeLewis theFourteenthon to the top of the churchfor spare ends& c. hehad thatvery campaign brought no less than eight new battering cannonsbesidesthree demi-culverinsinto the field; my uncle Toby's demand fortwo morepieces for the redoubthad set the corporal at work again; and nobetterresource offeringhe had taken the two leaden weights from thenurserywindow:   and as the sash pullieswhen the lead was gonewereofno kind ofusehe had taken them away alsoto make a couple of wheels forone oftheir carriages.

He haddismantled every sash-window in my uncle Toby's house long beforein thevery same waythough not always in the same order; for sometimesthepullies have been wantedand not the leadso then he began with thepulliesandthe pullies being picked outthen the lead became uselessand so thelead went to pot too.

A greatMoral might be picked handsomely out of thisbut I have nottime'tisenough to saywherever the demolition began'twas equallyfatal tothe sash window.

 ChapterXX.

Thecorporal had not taken his measures so badly in this stroke ofartilleryshipbut that he might have kept the matter entirely to himselfand leftSusannah to have sustained the whole weight of the attackas shecould; truecourage is not content with coming off so. The corporalwhether asgeneral or comptroller of the train'twas no matterhad donethatwithout whichas he imaginedthe misfortune could never havehappenedatleast in Susannah's hands; How would your honours havebehaved? Hedetermined at oncenot to take shelter behind Susannahbutto giveit; and with this resolution upon his mindhe marched upright intotheparlourto lay the whole manoeuvre before my uncle Toby.

My uncleToby had just then been giving Yorick an account of the Battle ofSteenkirkand of the strange conduct of count Solmes in ordering the footto haltand the horse to march where it could not act; which was directlycontraryto the king's commandsand proved the loss of the day.

There areincidents in some families so pat to the purpose of what is goingtofollowthey are scarce exceeded by the invention of a dramaticwriter; Imean of ancient days.

Trimbythe help of his fore-fingerlaid flat upon the tableand theedge ofhis hand striking across it at right anglesmade a shift to tellhis storysothat priests and virgins might have listened to it; and thestorybeing toldthe dialogue went on as follows.

 ChapterXXI.

I would bepicquetted to deathcried the corporalas he concludedSusannah'sstorybefore I would suffer the woman to come to any harm'twas myfaultan' please your honournot her's.

CorporalTrimreplied my uncle Tobyputting on his hat which lay upon thetableifany thing can be said to be a faultwhen the service absolutelyrequiresit should be done'tis I certainly who deserve the blameyouobeyedyour orders.

Had countSolmesTrimdone the same at the battle of SteenkirksaidYorickdrolling a little upon the corporalwho had been run over by adragoon inthe retreathe had saved thee; Saved! cried TriminterruptingYorickand finishing the sentence for him after his ownfashionhehad saved five battalionsan' please your reverenceeverysoul ofthem: there was Cutt'scontinued the corporalclapping theforefingerof his right hand upon the thumb of his leftand counting roundhishandthere was Cutt'sMackay'sAngus'sGraham'sand Leven'sall cut topieces; and so had the English life-guards toohad it not beenfor someregiments upon the rightwho marched up boldly to their reliefandreceived the enemy's fire in their facesbefore any one of their ownplatoonsdischarged a musketthey'll go to heaven for itadded Trim.Trim isrightsaid my uncle Tobynodding to Yorickhe's perfectlyright.  What signified his marching the horsecontinued the corporalwhere theground was so straitthat the French had such a nation ofhedgesand copsesand ditchesand fell'd trees laid this way and that tocover them[as they always have] . Count Solmes should have sent uswewould havefired muzzle to muzzle with them for their lives. There wasnothing tobe done for the horse: he had his foot shot off however for hispainscontinued the corporalthe very next campaign at Landen. Poor Trimgot hiswound therequoth my uncle Toby. 'Twas owingan' please yourhonourentirely to count Solmeshad he drubbed them soundly atSteenkirkthey would not have fought us at Landen. Possibly notTrimsaid myuncle Toby; though if they have the advantage of a woodor yougive thema moment's time to intrench themselvesthey are a nation whichwill popand pop for ever at you. There is no way but to march coolly uptothemreceive their fireand fall in upon thempell-mellDing dongaddedTrim. Horse and footsaid my uncle Toby. Helter SkeltersaidTrim. Rightand leftcried my uncle Toby. Blood an' oundsshouted thecorporal; thebattle ragedYorick drew his chair a little to one sideforsafetyand after a moment's pausemy uncle Toby sinking his voice anoteresumedthe discourse as follows.

 ChapterXXII.

KingWilliamsaid my uncle Tobyaddressing himself to Yorickwas soterriblyprovoked at count Solmes for disobeying his ordersthat he wouldnot sufferhim to come into his presence for many months after. I fearansweredYorickthe squire will be as much provoked at the corporalasthe Kingat the count. But 'twould be singularly hard in this casecontinuedbeif corporal Trimwho has behaved so diametrically oppositeto countSolmesshould have the fate to be rewarded with the samedisgrace: toooft in this worlddo things take that train. I wouldspring aminecried my uncle Tobyrising upand blow up myfortificationsand my house with themand we would perish under theirruinsereI would stand by and see it. Trim directed a slightbut agratefulbow towards his masterand so the chapter ends.

 ChapterXXIII.

ThenYorickreplied my uncle Tobyyou and I will lead the wayabreastanddo youcorporalfollow a few paces behind us. AndSusannahan' please your honoursaid Trimshall be put in the rear.'Twas anexcellent dispositionand in this orderwithout either drumsbeatingor colours flyingthey marched slowly from my uncle Toby's housetoShandy-hall.

I wishsaid Trimas they entered the doorinstead of the sashweightsIhad cut off the church spoutas I once thought to have done.You havecut off spouts enowreplied Yorick.

 ChapterXXIV.

As manypictures as have been given of my fatherhow like him soever indifferentairs and attitudesnot oneor all of themcan ever help thereader toany kind of preconception of how my father would thinkspeakoractuponany untried occasion or occurrence of life. There was thatinfinitudeof oddities in himand of chances along with itby whichhandle hewould take a thingit baffledSirall calculations. Thetruth washis road lay so very far on one sidefrom that wherein most mentravelledthatevery object before him presented a face and section ofitself tohis eyealtogether different from the plan and elevation of itseen bythe rest of mankind. In other words'twas a different objectandin coursewas differently considered:

This isthe true reasonthat my dear Jenny and Ias well as all the worldbesidesushave such eternal squabbles about nothing. She looks at heroutsideIat her in. . . .   How is it possible we should agree about hervalue?

 ChapterXXV.

'Tis apoint settledand I mention it for the comfort of Confucius[MrShandy issupposed to mean. . .Esq; member for. . .and not the ChineseLegislator. ]who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain storythatprovidedhe keeps along the line of his storyhe may go backwards andforwardsas he will'tis still held to be no digression.

This beingpremisedI take the benefit of the act of going backwardsmyself.

 ChapterXXVI.

Fiftythousand pannier loads of devils [not of the Archbishop ofBenevento'sImean of Rabelais's devils]with their tails chopped off bytheirrumpscould not have made so diabolical a scream of itas I didwhen theaccident befel me:   it summoned up my mother instantly into thenurserysothat Susannah had but just time to make her escape down thebackstairsas my mother came up the fore.

Nowthough I was old enough to have told the story myselfand youngenoughIhopeto have done it without malignity; yet Susannahin passingby thekitchenfor fear of accidentshad left it in short-hand with thecookthecook had told it with a commentary to Jonathanand Jonathan toObadiah;so that by the time my father had rung the bell half a dozentimestoknow what was the matter abovewas Obadiah enabled to give himaparticular account of itjust as it had happened. I thought as muchsaid myfathertucking up his night-gown; and so walked up stairs.

One wouldimagine from this [though for my own part I somewhat questionit] that myfatherbefore that timehad actually wrote that remarkablecharacterin the Tristra-paediawhich to me is the most original andentertainingone in the whole book; and that is the chapter upon sash-windowswith a bitter Philippick at the end of itupon the forgetfulnessofchamber-maids. I have but two reasons for thinking otherwise.

FirstHadthe matter been taken into considerationbefore the eventhappenedmy father certainly would have nailed up the sash window for goodan'all; whichconsidering with what difficulty he composed bookshemight havedone with ten times less troublethan he could have wrote thechapter:  this argument I foresee holds good against his writing a chaptereven afterthe event; but 'tis obviated under the second reasonwhich Ihave thehonour to offer to the world in support of my opinionthat myfather didnot write the chapter upon sash-windows and chamber-potsat thetimesupposedand it is this.

Thatinorder to render the Tristra-paedia completeI wrote thechaptermyself.

 ChapterXXVII.

My fatherput on his spectacleslookedtook them offput them into thecaseall inless than a statutable minute; and without opening his lipsturnedabout and walked precipitately down stairs:   my mother imaginedhehadstepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him return with acouple offolios under his armand Obadiah following him with a largereading-deskshe took it for granted 'twas an herbaland so drew him achair tothe bedsidethat he might consult upon the case at his ease.

If it bebut right donesaid my fatherturning to the Sectionde sedevelsubjecto circumcisionisfor he had brought up Spenser de LegibusHebraeorumRitualibusand Maimonidesin order to confront and examine usaltogether.

If it bebut right donequoth he: only tell uscried my motherinterruptinghimwhat herbs? For thatreplied my fatheryou must sendfor Dr.Slop.

My motherwent downand my father went onreading the section as follows

. . . Verywellsaid my father. . . nayif it has that convenienceand sowithout stopping a moment to settle it first in his mindwhetherthe Jewshad it from the Egyptiansor the Egyptians from the Jewsherose upand rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the palmof hishandin the manner we rub out the footsteps of carewhen evil hastrodlighter upon us than we forebodedhe shut the bookand walked downstairs. Naysaid hementioning the name of a different great nation uponevery stepas he set his foot upon itif the Egyptiansthe SyriansthePhoenicianstheArabiansthe Cappadociansif the ColchiandTroglodytesdid itif Solon and Pythagoras submittedwhat is Tristram?Who am Ithat I should fret or fume one moment about the matter?

 ChapterXXVIII.

DearYoricksaid my father smiling [for Yorick had broke his rank with myuncle Tobyin coming through the narrow entryand so had stept first intotheparlour] this Tristram of oursI findcomes very hardly by all hisreligiousrites. Never was the son of JewChristianTurkor Infidelinitiatedinto them in so oblique and slovenly a manner. But he is noworseItrustsaid Yorick. There has been certainlycontinued myfatherthe deuce and all to do in some part or other of the eclipticwhenthisoffspring of mine was formed. Thatyou are a better judge of than IrepliedYorick. Astrologersquoth my fatherknow better than us both:the trineand sextil aspects have jumped awryor the opposite of theirascendentshave not hit itas they shouldor the lords of the genitures[as theycall them] have been at bo-peepor something has been wrongaboveorbelow with us.

'Tispossibleanswered Yorick. But is the childcried my uncle Tobytheworse? TheTroglodytes say notreplied my father.   And your theologistsYoricktell usTheologically? said Yorickor speaking after the mannerof apothecaries? -statesmen? orwasher-women?

I'm notsurereplied my fatherbut they tell usbrother Tobyhe'sthe betterfor it. Providedsaid Yorickyou travel him into Egypt. Ofthatanswered my fatherhe will have the advantagewhen he sees thePyramids.

Now everyword of thisquoth my uncle Tobyis Arabic to me. I wishsaidYorick'twas soto half the world.

Ilus[footnote in Greek Sanchuniatho. ] continued my fathercircumcisedhis wholearmy one morning. Not without a court martial? cried my uncleToby. Thoughthe learnedcontinued hetaking no notice of my uncleToby'sremarkbut turning to Yorickare greatly divided still who Iluswas; somesay Saturn; some the Supreme Being; othersno more than abrigadiergeneral under Pharaoh-neco. Let him be who he willsaid myuncleTobyI know not by what article of war he could justify it.

Thecontrovertistsanswered my fatherassign two-and-twenty differentreasonsfor it: othersindeedwho have drawn their pens on the oppositeside ofthe questionhave shewn the world the futility of the greatestpart ofthem. But then againour best polemic divinesI wish there wasnot apolemic divinesaid Yorickin the kingdom; one ounce of practicaldivinityisworth a painted ship-load of all their reverences haveimportedthese fifty years. PrayMr. Yorickquoth my uncle Tobydotell mewhat a polemic divine is? The best descriptioncaptain ShandyIhave everreadis of a couple of 'emreplied Yorickin the account ofthe battlefought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which Ihave in mypocket. I beg I may hear itquoth my uncle Toby earnestly.You shallsaid Yorick. And as the corporal is waiting for me at thedoorand Iknow the description of a battle will do the poor fellow moregood thanhis supperI begbrotheryou'll give him leave to come in.With allmy soulsaid my father. Trim came inerect and happy as anemperor;and having shut the doorYorick took a book from his right-handcoat-pocketand reador pretended to readas follows.

 ChapterXXIX.

'whichwords being heard by all the soldiers which were theredivers ofthem beinginwardly terrifieddid shrink back and make room for theassailant:  all this did Gymnast very well remark and consider; andthereforemaking as if he would have alighted from off his horseas hewaspoising himself on the mounting sidehe most nimbly [with his shortsword bythis thigh] shifting his feet in the stirrupand performing thestirrup-leatherfeatwherebyafter the inclining of his body downwardsheforthwith launched himself aloft into the airand placed both hisfeettogetherupon the saddlestanding uprightwith his back turned towardshishorse's headNow[said he] my case goes forward.   Then suddenlyinthe sameposture wherein he washe fetched a gambol upon one footandturning tothe left-handfailed not to carry his body perfectly roundjust intohis former positionwithout missing one jot. Ha! said TripetIwill notdo that at this timeand not without cause.   Wellsaid GymnastI havefailedI will undo this leap; then with a marvellous strength andagilityturning towards the right-handhe fetched another striking gambolas before;which donehe set his right hand thumb upon the bow of thesaddleraised himself upand sprung into the airpoising and upholdinghis wholeweight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumband so turnedandwhirled himself about three times:   at the fourthreversing hisbodyandoverturning it upside downand foreside backwithout touching anythinghebrought himself betwixt the horse's two earsand then givinghimself ajerking swinghe seated himself upon the crupper'

[Thiscan't be fightingsaid my uncle Toby. The corporal shook his headat it. Havepatiencesaid Yorick. ]

'Then[Tripet] pass'd his right leg over his saddleand placed himself encroup. Butsaid he'twere better for me to get into the saddle; thenputtingthe thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before himand there-uponleaning himselfas upon the only supporters of his bodyheincontinentlyturned heels over head in the airand strait found himselfbetwixtthe bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat; then springing into theair with asummersethe turned him about like a wind-milland made abovea hundredfrisksturnsand demi-pommadas. 'Good God! cried Trimlosingallpatienceone home thrust of a bayonet is worth it all. I think sotooreplied Yorick.

I am of acontrary opinionquoth my father.

 ChapterXXX.

NoI thinkI have advanced nothingreplied my fathermaking answer toa questionwhich Yorick had taken the liberty to put to himI haveadvancednothing in the Tristra-paediabut what is as clear as any onepropositionin Euclid. Reach meTrimthat book from off the scrutoir:it hasoft-times been in my mindcontinued my fatherto have read it overboth toyouYorickand to my brother Tobyand I think it a littleunfriendlyin myselfin not having done it long ago: shall we have ashortchapter or two nowand a chapter or two hereafteras occasionsserve; andso ontill we get through the whole?   My uncle Toby and Yorickmade theobeisance which was proper; and the corporalthough he was notincludedin the complimentlaid his hand upon his breastand made his bowat thesame time. The company smiled.   Trimquoth my fatherhas paidthefull pricefor staying out the entertainment. He did not seem to relishthe playreplied Yorick. 'Twas a Tom-fool-battlean' please yourreverenceof captain Tripet's and that other officermaking so manysummersetsas they advanced; the French come on capering now and then inthatwaybut not quite so much.

My uncleToby never felt the consciousness of his existence with morecomplacencythan what the corporal'sand his own reflectionsmade him doat thatmoment; he lighted his pipeYorick drew his chair closer to thetableTrimsnuff'd the candlemy father stirr'd up the firetook upthebookcough'd twiceand begun.

 ChapterXXXI.

The firstthirty pagessaid my fatherturning over the leavesare alittledry; and as they are not closely connected with the subjectforthepresent we'll pass them by:   'tis a prefatory introductioncontinuedmy fatheror an introductory preface [for I am not determined which nameto giveit] upon political or civil government; the foundation of whichbeing laidin the first conjunction betwixt male and femaleforprocreationof the speciesI was insensibly led into it. 'Twas naturalsaidYorick.

Theoriginal of societycontinued my fatherI'm satisfied iswhatPolitiantells usi. e. merely conjugal; and nothing more than the gettingtogetherof one man and one woman; to which[according to Hesiod] thephilosopheradds a servant: but supposing in the first beginning therewere nomen servants bornhe lays the foundation of itin a manawomanand abull. I believe 'tis an oxquoth Yorickquoting the passage[Greek] Abull must have given more trouble than his head was worth. Butthere is abetter reason stillsaid my father [dipping his pen into hisink] ; forthe ox being the most patient of animalsand the most usefulwithal intilling the ground for their nourishmentwas the properestinstrumentand emblem toofor the new joined couplethat the creationcould haveassociated with them. And there is a stronger reasonadded myuncleTobythan them all for the ox. My father had not power to take hispen out ofhis ink-horntill he had heard my uncle Toby's reason. Forwhen theground was tilledsaid my uncle Tobyand made worth inclosingthen theybegan to secure it by walls and ditcheswhich was the origin offortification. Truetruedear Tobycried my fatherstriking out thebullandputting the ox in his place.

My fathergave Trim a nodto snuff the candleand resumed his discourse.

I enterupon this speculationsaid my father carelesslyand halfshuttingthe bookas he went onmerely to shew the foundation of thenaturalrelation between a father and his child; the right and jurisdictionover whomhe acquires these several ways1stbymarriage.2dbyadoption.3dbylegitimation.And 4thby procreation; all which I consider in their order.

I lay aslight stress upon one of themreplied Yorickthe actespeciallywhere itends therein my opinion lays as little obligation upon thechildasit conveys power to the father. You are wrongsaid my fatherargutelyand for this plain reason. . . . I ownadded my fatherthat theoffspringupon this accountis not so under the power and jurisdiction ofthemother. But the reasonreplied Yorickequally holds good for her.She isunder authority herselfsaid my father: and besidescontinued myfathernodding his headand laying his finger upon the side of his noseas heassigned his reasonshe is not the principal agentYorick. Inwhatquoth my uncle Toby? stopping his pipe. Though by all meansaddedmy father[not attending to my uncle Toby]'The son ought to pay herrespect'as you may readYorickat large in the first book of theInstitutesof Justinianat the eleventh title and the tenth section. Ican readit as wellreplied Yorickin the Catechism.

 ChapterXXXII.

Trim canrepeat every word of it by heartquoth my uncle Toby. Pugh! saidmy fathernot caring to be interrupted with Trim's saying his Catechism.

He canupon my honourreplied my uncle Toby. Ask himMr. Yorickanyquestionyou please.

The fifthCommandmentTrimsaid Yorickspeaking mildlyand with agentlenodas to a modest Catechumen.   The corporal stood silent. Youdon't askhim rightsaid my uncle Tobyraising his voiceand giving itrapidlylike the word of command: The fifthcried my uncle Toby. I mustbegin withthe firstan' please your honoursaid the corporal.

Yorickcould not forbear smiling. Your reverence does not considersaidthecorporalshouldering his stick like a musketand marching into themiddle ofthe roomto illustrate his positionthat 'tis exactly the samethingasdoing one's exercise in the field.

'Join yourright-hand to your firelock' cried the corporalgiving theword ofcommandand performing the motion.

'Poiseyour firelock' cried the corporaldoing the duty still both ofadjutantand private man.

'Rest yourfirelock; 'one motionan' please your reverenceyou see leadsintoanother. If his honour will begin but with the first

TheFirstcried my uncle Tobysetting his hand upon his side. . . .

TheSecondcried my uncle Tobywaving his tobacco-pipeas he would havedone hissword at the head of a regiment. The corporal went through hismanualwith exactness; and having honoured his father and mothermade alow bowand fell back to the side of the room.

Everything in this worldsaid my fatheris big with jestand has wit initandinstruction tooif we can but find it out.

Here isthe scaffold work of Instructionits true point of follywithoutthe Building behind it.

Here isthe glass for pedagoguespreceptorstutorsgovernorsgerund-grindersand bear-leaders to view themselves inin their truedimensions.

Oh! thereis a husk and shellYorickwhich grows up with learningwhichtheirunskilfulness knows not how to fling away!

SciencesMay Be Learned by Rote But Wisdom Not.

Yorickthought my father inspired. I will enter into obligations thismomentsaid my fatherto lay out all my aunt Dinah's legacy in charitableuses [ofwhichby the byemy father had no high opinion]if the corporalhas anyone determinate idea annexed to any one word he has repeated.PritheeTrimquoth my fatherturning round to himWhat dost thou meanby'honouring thy father and mother? '

Allowingtheman' please your honourthree halfpence a day out of my paywhen theygrow old. And didst thou do thatTrim? said Yorick. He didindeedreplied my uncle Toby. ThenTrimsaid Yorickspringing out ofhis chairand taking the corporal by the handthou art the bestcommentatorupon that part of the Decalogue; and I honour thee more for itcorporalTrimthan if thou hadst had a hand in the Talmud itself.

 ChapterXXXIII.

O blessedhealth! cried my fathermaking an exclamationas he turned overthe leavesto the next chapterthou art before all gold and treasure; 'tisthou whoenlargest the souland openest all its powers to receiveinstructionand to relish virtue. He that has theehas little more towishfor; and he that is so wretched as to want theewants every thingwith thee.

I haveconcentrated all that can be said upon this important headsaid myfatherinto a very little roomtherefore we'll read the chapter quitethrough.

My fatherread as follows:

'The wholesecret of health depending upon the due contention for masterybetwixtthe radical heat and the radical moisture'You have proved thatmatter offactI supposeabovesaid Yorick.   Sufficientlyreplied myfather.

In sayingthismy father shut the booknot as if he resolved to read nomore ofitfor he kept his fore-finger in the chapter: nor pettishlyfor heshut the book slowly; his thumb restingwhen he had done itupontheupper-side of the coveras his three fingers supported the lowersideof itwithout the least compressive violence.

I havedemonstrated the truth of that pointquoth my fathernodding toYorickmost sufficiently in the preceding chapter.

Now couldthe man in the moon be toldthat a man in the earth had wrote achaptersufficiently demonstratingThat the secret of all health dependedupon thedue contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and theradicalmoistureand that he had managed the point so wellthat therewas notone single word wet or dry upon radical heat or radical moisturethroughoutthe whole chapteror a single syllable in itpro or condirectlyor indirectlyupon the contention betwixt these two powers in anypart ofthe animal oeconomy

'O thoueternal Maker of all beings! 'he would crystriking his breastwith hisright hand [in case he had one] 'Thou whose power and goodnesscanenlarge the faculties of thy creatures to this infinite degree ofexcellenceand perfectionWhat have we Moonites done? '

 ChapterXXXIV.

With twostrokesthe one at Hippocratesthe other at Lord Verulamdid myfatherachieve it.

The strokeat the prince of physicianswith which he beganwas no morethan ashort insult upon his sorrowful complaint of the Ars longaandVitabrevis. Life shortcried my fatherand the art of healing tedious!

And whoare we to thank for both the one and the otherbut the ignoranceof quacksthemselvesand the stage-loads of chymical nostrumsandperipateticlumberwith whichin all agesthey have first flatter'd theworldandat last deceived it?

O my lordVerulam! cried my fatherturning from Hippocratesand makinghis secondstroke at himas the principal of nostrum-mongersand thefittest tobe made an example of to the restWhat shall I say to theemygreat lordVerulam?   What shall I say to thy internal spiritthy opiumthysalt-petrethy greasy unctionsthy daily purgesthy nightlyclystersand succedaneums?

My fatherwas never at a loss what to say to any manupon any subject;and hadthe least occasion for the exordium of any man breathing:   howhedealt withhis lordship's opinionyou shall see; but whenI know not:we mustfirst see what his lordship's opinion was.

 ChapterXXXV.

'The twogreat causeswhich conspire with each other to shorten lifesayslordVerulamare first

'Theinternal spiritwhich like a gentle flame wastes the body down todeath: Andsecondlythe external airthat parches the body up to ashes: --which twoenemies attacking us on both sides of our bodies togetheratlengthdestroy our organsand render them unfit to carry on the functionsof life. '

This beingthe state of the casethe road to longevity was plain; nothingmore beingrequiredsays his lordshipbut to repair the waste committedby theinternal spiritby making the substance of it more thick and denseby aregular course of opiates on one sideand by refrigerating the heatof it onthe otherby three grains and a half of salt-petre every morningbefore yougot up.

Still thisframe of ours was left exposed to the inimical assaults of theairwithout; but this was fenced off again by a course of greasy unctionswhich sofully saturated the pores of the skinthat no spicula couldenter; norcould any one get out. This put a stop to all perspirationsensibleand insensiblewhich being the cause of so many scurvydistempersacourse of clysters was requisite to carry off redundanthumoursandrender the system complete.

What myfather had to say to my lord of Verulam's opiateshis salt-petreand greasyunctions and clystersyou shall readbut not to-dayor to-morrow:  time presses upon memy reader is impatientI must getforwardsYoushall read the chapter at your leisure [if you chuse it]assoon asever the Tristra-paedia is published.

Sufficethitat present to saymy father levelled the hypothesis with thegroundand in doing thatthe learned knowhe built up and establishedhis own.

 ChapterXXXVI.

The wholesecret of healthsaid my fatherbeginning the sentence againdependingevidently upon the due contention betwixt the radical heat andradicalmoisture within us; the least imaginable skill had been sufficientto havemaintained ithad not the school-men confounded the taskmerely[as VanHelmontthe famous chymisthas proved] by all along mistaking theradicalmoisture for the tallow and fat of animal bodies.

Now theradical moisture is not the tallow or fat of animalsbut an oilyandbalsamous substance; for the fat and tallowas also the phlegm orwaterypartsare cold; whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of alivelyheat and spiritwhich accounts for the observation of Aristotle'Quod omneanimal post coitum est triste. '

Now it iscertainthat the radical heat lives in the radical moisturebutwhethervice versais a doubt:   howeverwhen the one decaysthe otherdecaysalso; and then is producedeither an unnatural heatwhich causesanunnatural drynessor an unnatural moisturewhich causes dropsies. Sothat if achildas he grows upcan but be taught to avoid running intofire orwateras either of 'em threaten his destruction'twill be allthat isneedful to be done upon that head.

 ChapterXXXVII.

Thedescription of the siege of Jericho itselfcould not have engagedtheattentionof my uncle Toby more powerfully than the last chapter; his eyeswere fixedupon my father throughout it; he never mentioned radical heatandradical moisturebut my uncle Toby took his pipe out of his mouthandshook hishead; and as soon as the chapter was finishedhe beckoned to thecorporalto come close to his chairto ask him the following questionaside. . .. .   It was at the siege of Limerickan' please your honourrepliedthe corporalmaking a bow.

The poorfellow and Iquoth my uncle Tobyaddressing himself to myfatherwere scarce able to crawl out of our tentsat the time the siegeofLimerick was raisedupon the very account you mention. Now what canhave gotinto that precious noddle of thinemy dear brother Toby? cried myfathermentally. By Heaven! continued hecommuning still with himselfit wouldpuzzle an Oedipus to bring it in point.

I believean' please your honourquoth the corporalthat if it had notbeen forthe quantity of brandy we set fire to every nightand the claretandcinnamon with which I plyed your honour off; And the genevaTrimadded myuncle Tobywhich did us more good than allI verily believecontinuedthe corporalwe had bothan' please your honourleft our livesin thetrenchesand been buried in them too. The noblest gravecorporal!cried myuncle Tobyhis eyes sparkling as he spokethat a soldier couldwish tolie down in. But a pitiful death for him! an' please your honourrepliedthe corporal.

All thiswas as much Arabick to my fatheras the rites of the Colchi andTrogloditeshad been before to my uncle Toby; my father could not determinewhether hewas to frown or to smile.

my uncleTobyturning are Yorickresumed the case at Limerickmoreintelligiblythan he had begun itand so settled the point for my fatherat once.

 ChapterXXXVIII.

It wasundoubtedlysaid my uncle Tobya great happiness for myself andthecorporalthat we had all along a burning feverattended with a mostragingthirstduring the whole five-and-twenty days the flux was upon usin thecamp; otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisturemustasI conceiveitinevitably have got the better. My father drew in his lungstop-fullof airand looking upblew it forth againas slowly as hepossiblycould.

It wasHeaven's mercy to uscontinued my uncle Tobywhich put it intothecorporal's head to maintain that due contention betwixt the radicalheat andthe radical moistureby reinforceing the feveras he did allalongwith hot wine and spices; whereby the corporal kept up [as it were]acontinual firingso that the radical heat stood its ground from thebeginningto the endand was a fair match for the moistureterrible as itwas. Uponmy honouradded my uncle Tobyyou might have heard thecontentionwithin our bodiesbrother Shandytwenty toises. If there wasno firingsaid Yorick.

Wellsaidmy fatherwith a full aspirationand pausing a while after thewordWas Ia judgeand the laws of the country which made me onepermitteditI would condemn some of the worst malefactorsprovided theyhad hadtheir clergy. . . Yorickforeseeing the sentence was likely toend withno sort of mercylaid his hand upon my father's breastandbegged hewould respite it for a few minutestill he asked the corporal aquestion. PritheeTrimsaid Yorickwithout staying for my father'sleavetellus honestlywhat is thy opinion concerning this self-sameradicalheat and radical moisture?

Withhumble submission to his honour's better judgmentquoth thecorporalmaking abow to my uncle TobySpeak thy opinion freelycorporalsaid myuncleToby. The poor fellow is my servantnot my slaveadded my uncleTobyturning to my father.

Thecorporal put his hat under his left armand with his stick hangingupon thewrist of itby a black thong split into a tassel about the knothe marchedup to the ground where he had performed his catechism; thentouchinghis under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of his right hand beforehe openedhis mouthhe delivered his notion thus.

 ChapterXXXIX.

Just asthe corporal was hummingto beginin waddled Dr. Slop. 'Tis nottwo-pencematterthe corporal shall go on in the next chapterlet whowill comein.

Wellmygood doctorcried my father sportivelyfor the transitions ofhispassions were unaccountably suddenand what has this whelp of mine tosay to thematter?

Had myfather been asking after the amputation of the tail of a puppy-doghe couldnot have done it in a more careless air:   the system which Dr.Slop hadlaid downto treat the accident byno way allowed of such a modeofenquiry. He sat down.

PraySirquoth my uncle Tobyin a manner which could not go unanswered--in whatcondition is the boy? 'Twill end in a phimosisreplied Dr. Slop.

I am nowiser than I wasquoth my uncle Tobyreturning his pipe into hismouth. Thenlet the corporal go onsaid my fatherwith his medicallecture. Thecorporal made a bow to his old friendDr. Slopand thendeliveredhis opinion concerning radical heat and radical moisturein thefollowingwords.

 ChapterXL.

The cityof Limerickthe siege of which was begun under his majesty kingWilliamhimselfthe year after I went into the armyliesan' please yourhonoursin the middle of a devilish wetswampy country. 'Tis quitesurroundedsaid my uncle Tobywith the Shannonand isby its situationone of thestrongest fortified places in Ireland.

I thinkthis is a new fashionquoth Dr. Slopof beginning a medicallecture. 'Tisall trueanswered Trim. Then I wish the faculty wouldfollow thecut of itsaid Yorick. 'Tis all cut throughan' please yourreverencesaid the corporalwith drains and bogs; and besidesthere wassuch aquantity of rain fell during the siegethe whole country was like apuddle'twasthatand nothing elsewhich brought on the fluxand whichhad liketo have killed both his honour and myself; now there was no suchthingafter the first ten dayscontinued the corporalfor a soldier tolie dry inhis tentwithout cutting a ditch round itto draw off thewater; norwas that enoughfor those who could afford itas his honourcouldwithout setting fire every night to a pewter dish full of brandywhich tookoff the damp of the airand made the inside of the tent as warmas astove.

And whatconclusion dost thou drawcorporal Trimcried my fatherfromall thesepremises?

I inferan' please your worshipreplied Trimthat the radical moistureis nothingin the world but ditch-waterand that the radical heatofthose whocan go to the expence of itis burnt brandythe radical heatandmoisture of a private manan' please your honouris nothing butditch-wateranda dram of genevaand give us but enough of itwith apipe oftobaccoto give us spiritsand drive away the vapourswe knownot whatit is to fear death.

I am at alossCaptain Shandyquoth Doctor Slopto determine in whichbranch oflearning your servant shines mostwhether in physiology ordivinity. Slophad not forgot Trim's comment upon the sermon.

It is butan hour agoreplied Yoricksince the corporal was examined inthelatterand passed muster with great honour.

Theradical heat and moisturequoth Doctor Slopturning to my fatheryoumust knowis the basis and foundation of our beingas the root of a treeis thesource and principle of its vegetation. It is inherent in the seedsof allanimalsand may be preserved sundry waysbut principally in myopinion byconsubstantialsimprimentsand occludents. Now this poorfellowcontinued Dr. Sloppointing to the corporalhas had themisfortuneto have heard some superficial empiric discourse upon this nicepoint. Thathe hassaid my father. Very likelysaid my uncle. I'msure ofitquoth Yorick.

 ChapterXLI.

DoctorSlop being called out to look at a cataplasm he had orderedit gavemy fatheran opportunity of going on with another chapter in the Tristra-paedia. Come!cheer upmy lads; I'll shew you landfor when we havetuggedthrough that chapterthe book shall not be opened again thistwelve-month. Huzza!

 ChapterXLII.

Five yearswith a bib under his chin;

Four yearsin travelling from Christ-cross-row to Malachi;

A year anda half in learning to write his own name;

Seven longyears and more [Greek] -ing itat Greek and Latin;

Four yearsat his probations and his negationsthe fine statue still lyingin themiddle of the marble blockand nothing donebut his toolssharpenedto hew it out! 'Tis a piteous delay! Was not the great JuliusScaligerwithin an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all? Forty-four yearsold was he before he could manage his Greek; and PeterDamianuslord bishop of Ostiaas all the world knowscould not so muchas readwhen he was of man's estate. And Baldus himselfas eminent as heturned outafterentered upon the law so late in lifethat every bodyimaginedhe intended to be an advocate in the other world:   no wonderwhenEudamidasthe son of Archidamasheard Xenocrates at seventy-fivedisputingabout wisdomthat he asked gravelyIf the old man be yetdisputingand enquiring concerning wisdomwhat time will he have to makeuse of it?

Yoricklistened to my father with great attention; there was a seasoning ofwisdomunaccountably mixed up with his strangest whimsand he hadsometimessuch illuminations in the darkest of his eclipsesas almostatoned forthem: be warySirwhen you imitate him.

I amconvincedYorickcontinued my fatherhalf reading and halfdiscoursingthat there is a North-west passage to the intellectual world;and thatthe soul of man has shorter ways of going to workin furnishingitselfwith knowledge and instructionthan we generally take with it.Butalack! all fields have not a river or a spring running besides them;everychildYorickhas not a parent to point it out.

The wholeentirely dependsadded my fatherin a low voiceupon theauxiliaryverbsMr. Yorick.

Had Yoricktrod upon Virgil's snakehe could not have looked moresurprised. Iam surprised toocried my fatherobserving itand Ireckon itas one of the greatest calamities which ever befel the republicoflettersThat those who have been entrusted with the education of ourchildrenand whose business it was to open their mindsand stock themearly withideasin order to set the imagination loose upon themhavemade solittle use of the auxiliary verbs in doing itas they have doneSo thatexcept Raymond Lulliusand the elder Pelegrinithe last of whicharrived tosuch perfection in the use of 'emwith his topicsthatin afewlessonshe could teach a young gentleman to discourse withplausibilityupon any subjectpro and conand to say and write all thatcould bespoken or written concerning itwithout blotting a wordto theadmirationof all who beheld him. I should be gladsaid Yorickinterruptingmy fatherto be made to comprehend this matter.   You shallsaid myfather.

Thehighest stretch of improvement a single word is capable ofis a highmetaphorforwhichin my opinionthe idea is generally the worseandnot thebetter; but be that as it maywhen the mind has done that withitthere isan endthe mind and the idea are at restuntil a secondideaenters; and so on.

Now theuse of the Auxiliaries isat once to set the soul a-going byherselfupon the materials as they are brought her; and by the versabilityof thisgreat engineround which they are twistedto open new tracts ofenquiryand make every idea engender millions.

You excitemy curiosity greatlysaid Yorick.

For my ownpartquoth my uncle TobyI have given it up. The Danesan'pleaseyour honourquoth the corporalwho were on the left at the siegeofLimerickwere all auxiliaries. And very good onessaid my uncleToby. Butthe auxiliariesTrimmy brother is talking aboutI conceiveto bedifferent things.

You do?said my fatherrising up.

 ChapterXLIII.

My fathertook a single turn across the roomthen sat downand finishedthechapter.

The verbsauxiliary we are concerned in herecontinued my fatheraream;was; have;had; do; did; make; made; suffer; shall; should; will; would;can;could; owe; ought; used; or is wont. And these varied with tensespresentpastfutureand conjugated with the verb seeor with thesequestionsadded to them; Is it? Was it? Will it be? Would it be? May itbe? Mightit be?   And these again put negativelyIs it not? Was it not?Ought itnot? Or affirmativelyIt is; It was; It ought to be.   OrchronologicallyHasit been always? Lately? How long ago? OrhypotheticallyIfit was? If it was not?   What would follow? If theFrenchshould beat the English?   If the Sun go out of the Zodiac?

Nowbythe right use and application of thesecontinued my fatherinwhich achild's memory should be exercisedthere is no one idea can enterhis brainhow barren soeverbut a magazine of conceptions and conclusionsmay bedrawn forth from it. Didst thou ever see a white bear? cried myfatherturning his head round to Trimwho stood at the back of hischair: Noan' please your honourreplied the corporal. But thou couldstdiscourseabout oneTrimsaid my fatherin case of need? How is itpossiblebrotherquoth my uncle Tobyif the corporal never saw one?'Tis thefact I wantreplied my fatherand the possibility of it is asfollows.

A WhiteBear!   Very well.   Have I ever seen one?   Might I everhave seenone?  Am I ever to see one?   Ought I ever to have seen one?   Orcan I eversee one?

Would Ihad seen a white bear! [for how can I imagine it? ]

If Ishould see a white bearwhat should I say?   If I should neversee awhitebearwhat then?

If I neverhavecanmustor shall see a white bear alive; have I everseen theskin of one?   Did I ever see one painted? described?   Have Ineverdreamed of one?

Did myfathermotheruncleauntbrothers or sistersever see a whitebear?  What would they give?   How would they behave?   How wouldthe whitebear havebehaved?   Is he wild?   Tame?   Terrible?   Rough?  Smooth?

Is thewhite bear worth seeing?

Is thereno sin in it?

Is itbetter than a Black One?

VOL. VI

 ChapterI.

We'll notstop two momentsmy dear Sironlyas we have got throughthese fivevolumes [In the first editionthe sixth volume began with thischapter. ][doSirsit down upon a setthey are better than nothing] letus justlook back upon the country we have pass'd through.

What awilderness has it been! and what a mercy that we have not both ofus beenlostor devoured by wild beasts in it!

Did youthink the world itselfSirhad contained such a number of JackAsses? Howthey view'd and review'd us as we passed over the rivulet atthe bottomof that little valley! and when we climbed over that hillandwere justgetting out of sightgood God! what a braying did they all setuptogether!

Pritheeshepherd! who keeps all those Jack Asses? . . . .

Heaven betheir comforterWhat! are they never curried? Are they nevertaken inin winter? Bray braybray.   Bray onthe world is deeply yourdebtor; louderstillthat's nothing: in good soothyou are ill-used:Was I aJack AsseI solemnly declareI would bray in G-sol-re-ut frommorningeven unto night.

 ChapterII.

When myfather had danced his white bear backwards and forwards throughhalf adozen pageshe closed the book for good an' alland in a kind oftriumphredelivered it into Trim's handwith a nod to lay it upon the'scrutoirewhere he found it. Tristramsaid heshall be made toconjugateevery word in the dictionarybackwards and forwards the sameway; everywordYorickby this meansyou seeis converted into athesis oran hypothesis; every thesis and hypothesis have an off-spring ofpropositions; andeach proposition has its own consequences andconclusions;every one of which leads the mind on againinto fresh tracksofenquiries and doubtings. The force of this engineadded my fatherisincrediblein opening a child's head. 'Tis enoughbrother Shandycriedmy uncleTobyto burst it into a thousand splinters.

I presumesaid Yoricksmilingit must be owing to this[for letlogicianssay what they willit is not to be accounted for sufficientlyfrom thebare use of the ten predicaments] That the famous VincentQuirinoamongst the many other astonishing feats of his childhoodofwhich theCardinal Bembo has given the world so exact a storyshould beable topaste up in the public schools at Romeso early as in the eighthyear ofhis ageno less than four thousand five hundred and fiftydifferentthesesupon the most abstruse points of the most abstrusetheology; andto defend and maintain them in such sortas to cramp anddumbfoundhis opponents. What is thatcried my fatherto what is told usofAlphonsus Tostatuswhoalmost in his nurse's armslearned all thesciencesand liberal arts without being taught any one of them? What shallwe say ofthe great Piereskius? That's the very mancried my uncle TobyI oncetold you ofbrother Shandywho walked a matter of five hundredmilesreckoning from Paris to Shevlingand from Shevling back againmerely tosee Stevinus's flying chariot. He was a very great man! added myuncle Toby[meaning Stevinus] He was sobrother Tobysaid my father[meaningPiereskius] and had multiplied his ideas so fastand increasedhisknowledge to such a prodigious stockthatif we may give credit toananecdoteconcerning himwhich we cannot withhold herewithout shaking theauthorityof all anecdotes whateverat seven years of agehis fathercommittedentirely to his care the education of his younger brothera boyof fiveyears oldwith the sole management of all his concerns. Was thefather aswise as the son? quoth my uncle Toby: I should think notsaidYorick: Butwhat are thesecontinued my father [breaking out in a kindofenthusiasm] what are theseto those prodigies of childhood inGrotiusScioppiusHeinsiusPolitianPascalJoseph ScaligerFerdinand deCordoueand otherssome of which left off their substantial forms at nineyears oldor soonerand went on reasoning without them; others wentthroughtheir classics at seven; wrote tragedies at eight; Ferdinand deCordouewas so wise at nine'twas thought the Devil was in him; and atVenicegave such proofs of his knowledge and goodnessthat the monksimaginedhe was Antichristor nothing. Others were masters of fourteenlanguagesat tenfinished the course of their rhetoricpoetrylogicandethicsat elevenput forth their commentaries upon Servius andMartianusCapella at twelveand at thirteen received their degrees inphilosophylawsand divinity: but you forget the great LipsiusquothYorickwho composed a work [Nous aurions quelque interetsays Bailletdemontrerqu'il n'a rien de ridicule s'il etoit veritableau moins dans lesensenigmatique que Nicius Erythraeus a ta he de lui donner.   Cetauteurdit quepour comprendre comme Lipseil a pu composer un ouvrage le premierjour de savieil faut s'imaginerque ce premier jour n'est pas celui desanaissance charnellemais celui au quel il a commence d'user de laraison; ilveut que c'ait ete a l'age de neuf ans; et il nous veutpersuaderque ce fut en cet ageque Lipse fit un poeme. Le tour estingenieux& c. & c. ] the day he was born: They should have wiped it upsaid myuncle Tobyand said no more about it.

 ChapterIII.

When thecataplasm was readya scruple of decorum had unseasonably rose upinSusannah's conscienceabout holding the candlewhilst Slop tied iton;Slop hadnot treated Susannah's distemper with anodynesand so a quarrelhad ensuedbetwixt them.

Oh!oh! said Slopcasting a glance of undue freedom in Susannah's faceas shedeclined the office; thenI think I know youmadamYou know meSir! criedSusannah fastidiouslyand with a toss of her headlevelledevidentlynot at his professionbut at the doctor himselfyou know me!criedSusannah again. Doctor Slop clapped his finger and his thumbinstantlyupon his nostrils; Susannah's spleen was ready to burst at it;'Tisfalsesaid Susannah. ComecomeMrs Modestysaid Slopnot alittleelated with the success of his last thrustIf you won't hold thecandleand lookyou may hold it and shut your eyes: That's one of yourpopishshiftscried Susannah: 'Tis bettersaid Slopwith a nodthan noshift atallyoung woman; I defy youSircried Susannahpulling hershiftsleeve below her elbow.

It wasalmost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a surgicalcase witha more splenetic cordiality.

Slopsnatched up the cataplasmSusannah snatched up the candle; A littlethis waysaid Slop; Susannah looking one wayand rowing anotherinstantlyset fire to Slop's wigwhich being somewhat bushy and unctuouswithalwas burnt out before it was well kindled. You impudent whore!criedSlop[for what is passionbut a wild beast? ] you impudent whorecriedSlopgetting uprightwith the cataplasm in his hand; I never wasthedestruction of any body's nosesaid Susannahwhich is more than youcan say: Isit? cried Slopthrowing the cataplasm in her face; YesitiscriedSusannahreturning the compliment with what was left in the pan.

 ChapterIV.

DoctorSlop and Susannah filed cross-bills against each other in theparlour;which doneas the cataplasm had failedthey retired into thekitchen toprepare a fomentation for me; and whilst that was doingmyfatherdetermined the point as you will read.

 ChapterV.

You see'tis high timesaid my fatheraddressing himself equally to myuncle Tobyand Yorickto take this young creature out of these women'shandsandput him into those of a private governor.   Marcus Antoninusprovidedfourteen governors all at once to superintend his son Commodus'seducationandin six weeks he cashiered five of them; I know very wellcontinuedmy fatherthat Commodus's mother was in love with a gladiator atthe timeof her conceptionwhich accounts for a great many of Commodus'scrueltieswhen he became emperor; but still I am of opinionthat thosefive whomAntoninus dismisseddid Commodus's temperin that short timemore hurtthan the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long.

Now as Iconsider the person who is to be about my sonas the mirror inwhich heis to view himself from morning to nightby which he is to adjusthis lookshis carriageand perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart; Iwould haveoneYorickif possiblepolished at all pointsfit for mychild tolook into. This is very good sensequoth my uncle Toby tohimself.

There iscontinued my fathera certain mien and motion of the body andall itspartsboth in acting and speakingwhich argues a man well within;and I amnot at all surprised that Gregory of Nazianzumupon observing thehasty anduntoward gestures of Julianshould foretel he would one daybecome anapostate; or that St. Ambrose should turn his Amanuensis out ofdoorsbecause of an indecent motion of his headwhich went backwards andforwardslike a flail; or that Democritus should conceive Protagoras to bea scholarfrom seeing him bind up a faggotand thrustingas he did itthe smalltwigs inwards. There are a thousand unnoticed openingscontinuedmy fatherwhich let a penetrating eye at once into a man's soul;and Imaintain itadded hethat a man of sense does not lay down his hatin cominginto a roomor take it up in going out of itbut somethingescapeswhich discovers him.

It is forthese reasonscontinued my fatherthat the governor I makechoice ofshall neither [Vid. Pellegrina. ] lispor squintor winkortalk loudor look fierceor foolish; or bite his lipsor grind histeethorspeak through his noseor pick itor blow it with his fingers. --

He shallneither walk fastor slowor fold his armsfor that islaziness; orhang them downfor that is folly; or hide them in hispocketfor that is nonsense.

He shallneither strikeor pinchor tickleor biteor cut his nailsorhawkorspitor sniftor drum with his feet or fingers in company; nor[accordingto Erasmus] shall he speak to any one in making waternorshall hepoint to carrion or excrement. Now this is all nonsense againquoth myuncle Toby to himself.

I willhave himcontinued my fathercheerfulfacetejovial; at the sametimeprudentattentive to businessvigilantacutearguteinventivequick inresolving doubts and speculative questions; he shall be wiseandjudiciousand learned: And why not humbleand moderateand gentle-temperedand good? said Yorick: And why notcried my uncle Tobyfreeandgenerousand bountifuland brave? He shallmy dear Tobyreplied myfathergetting up and shaking him by his hand. Thenbrother Shandyansweredmy uncle Tobyraising himself off the chairand laying down hispipe totake hold of my father's other handI humbly beg I may recommendpoor LeFever's son to you; a tear of joy of the first water sparkled inmy uncleToby's eyeand anotherthe fellow to itin the corporal'sastheproposition was made; you will see why when you read Le Fever'sstory: foolthat I was! nor can I recollect [nor perhaps you] withoutturningback to the placewhat it was that hindered me from letting thecorporaltell it in his own words; but the occasion is lostI must tellit now inmy own.

 ChapterVI.

TheStory of Le Fever.

It wassome time in the summer of that year in which Dendermond was takenby theallieswhich was about seven years before my father came into thecountryandabout as manyafter the timethat my uncle Toby and Trimtheprivately decamped from my father's house in townin order to laysomeof thefinest sieges to some of the finest fortified cities in Europewhenmy uncleToby was one evening getting his supperwith Trim sitting behindhim at asmall sideboardI saysittingfor in consideration of thecorporal'slame knee [which sometimes gave him exquisite pain] when myuncle Tobydined or supped alonehe would never suffer the corporal tostand; andthe poor fellow's veneration for his master was suchthatwitha properartillerymy uncle Toby could have taken Dendermond itselfwithlesstrouble than he was able to gain this point over him; for many a timewhen myuncle Toby supposed the corporal's leg was at resthe would lookbackanddetect him standing behind him with the most dutiful respect:

this bredmore little squabbles betwixt themthan all other causes forfive-and-twentyyears togetherBut this is neither here nor therewhy doI mentionit? Ask my penit governs meI govern not it.

He was oneevening sitting thus at his supperwhen the landlord of alittle innin the village came into the parlourwith an empty phial in hishandtobeg a glass or two of sack; 'Tis for a poor gentlemanI thinkof thearmysaid the landlordwho has been taken ill at my house fourdays agoand has never held up his head sinceor had a desire to tasteany thingtill just nowthat he has a fancy for a glass of sack and athintoastI thinksays hetaking his hand from his foreheadit wouldcomfortme.

If I couldneither begborrowor buy such a thingadded the landlord--I wouldalmost steal it for the poor gentlemanhe is so ill. I hope inGod hewill still mendcontinued hewe are all of us concerned for him.

Thou art agood-natured soulI will answer for theecried my uncle Toby;and thoushalt drink the poor gentleman's health in a glass of sackthyselfandtake a couple of bottles with my serviceand tell him he isheartilywelcome to themand to a dozen more if they will do him good.

Though Iam persuadedsaid my uncle Tobyas the landlord shut the doorhe is avery compassionate fellowTrimyet I cannot help entertaining ahighopinion of his guest too; there must be something more than common inhimthatin so short a time should win so much upon the affections of hishost; Andof his whole familyadded the corporalfor they are allconcernedfor him. Step after himsaid my uncle Tobydo Trimand askif heknows his name.

I havequite forgot it trulysaid the landlordcoming back into theparlourwith the corporalbut I can ask his son again: Has he a son withhim then?said my uncle Toby. A boyreplied the landlordof about elevenor twelveyears of age; but the poor creature has tasted almost as littleas hisfather; he does nothing but mourn and lament for him night and day: --He hasnot stirred from the bed-side these two days.

My uncleToby laid down his knife and forkand thrust his plate frombeforehimas the landlord gave him the account; and Trimwithout beingorderedtook awaywithout saying one wordand in a few minutes afterbroughthim his pipe and tobacco.

Stay inthe room a littlesaid my uncle Toby.

Trim! saidmy uncle Tobyafter he lighted his pipeand smoak'd about adozenwhiffs. Trim came in front of his masterand made his bow; myuncle Tobysmoak'd onand said no more. Corporal! said my uncle Tobythecorporalmade his bow. My uncle Toby proceeded no fartherbut finishedhis pipe.

Trim! saidmy uncle TobyI have a project in my headas it is a badnightofwrapping myself up warm in my roquelaureand paying a visit tothis poorgentleman. Your honour's roquelaurereplied the corporalhasnot oncebeen had onsince the night before your honour received yourwoundwhen we mounted guard in the trenches before the gate of St.Nicholas; andbesidesit is so cold and rainy a nightthat what with theroquelaureand what with the weather'twill be enough to give your honouryourdeathand bring on your honour's torment in your groin.   I fearsoreplied myuncle Toby; but I am not at rest in my mindTrimsince theaccountthe landlord has given me. I wish I had not known so much of thisaffairaddedmy uncle Tobyor that I had known more of it: How shallwe manageit?   Leave itan't please your honourto mequoth thecorporal; I'lltake my hat and stick and go to the house and reconnoitreand actaccordingly; and I will bring your honour a full account in anhour. Thoushalt goTrimsaid my uncle Tobyand here's a shilling forthee todrink with his servant. I shall get it all out of himsaid thecorporalshutting the door.

My uncleToby filled his second pipe; and had it not beenthat he now andthenwandered from the pointwith considering whether it was not full aswell tohave the curtain of the tennaile a straight lineas a crookedonehemight be said to have thought of nothing else but poor Le Feverand hisboy the whole time he smoaked it.

 ChapterVII.

TheStory of Le Fever continued.

It was nottill my uncle Toby had knocked the ashes out of his third pipethatcorporal Trim returned from the innand gave him the followingaccount.

Idespairedat firstsaid the corporalof being able to bring backyourhonour anykind of intelligence concerning the poor sick lieutenantIs hein thearmythen? said my uncle TobyHe issaid the corporalAnd inwhatregiment? said my uncle TobyI'll tell your honourreplied thecorporalevery thing straight forwardsas I learnt it. ThenTrimI'llfillanother pipesaid my uncle Tobyand not interrupt thee till thouhast done;so sit down at thy easeTrimin the window-seatand begin thystoryagain.   The corporal made his old bowwhich generally spoke asplainas a bowcould speak itYour honour is good: And having done thathe satdownashe was orderedand begun the story to my uncle Toby over againin prettynear the same words.

Idespaired at firstsaid the corporalof being able to bring backanyintelligenceto your honourabout the lieutenant and his son; for when Iaskedwhere his servant wasfrom whom I made myself sure of knowing everythingwhich was proper to be askedThat's a right distinctionTrimsaidmy uncleTobyI was answeredan' please your honourthat he had noservantwith him; that he had come to the inn with hired horseswhichuponfinding himself unable to proceed [to joinI supposethe regiment]he haddismissed the morning after he came. If I get bettermy dearsaidheas hegave his purse to his son to pay the manwe can hire horsesfromhence. But alas! the poor gentleman will never get from hencesaidthelandlady to mefor I heard the death-watch all night long; and whenhe diesthe youthhis sonwill certainly die with him; for he is broken-heartedalready.

I washearing this accountcontinued the corporalwhen the youth cameinto thekitchento order the thin toast the landlord spoke of; but Iwill do itfor my father myselfsaid the youth. Pray let my save you thetroubleyoung gentlemansaid Itaking up a fork for the purposeandofferinghim my chair to sit down upon by the firewhilst I did it. IbelieveSirsaid hevery modestlyI can please him best myself. I amsuresaidIhis honour will not like the toast the worse for beingtoasted byan old soldier. The youth took hold of my handand instantlyburst intotears. Poor youth! said my uncle Tobyhe has been bred upfrom aninfant in the armyand the name of a soldierTrimsounded in hisears likethe name of a friend; I wish I had him here.

I neverin the longest marchsaid the corporalhad so great a mind tomy dinneras I had to cry with him for company: What could be the matterwith mean' please your honour?   Nothing in the worldTrimsaid myuncleTobyblowing his nosebut that thou art a good-natured fellow.

When Igave him the toastcontinued the corporalI thought it was properto tellhim I was captain Shandy's servantand that your honour [though astranger]was extremely concerned for his father; and that if there wasany thingin your house or cellar [And thou might'st have added my pursetoosaidmy uncle Toby]he was heartily welcome to it: He made a verylow bow[which was meant to your honour]but no answerfor his heart wasfullso hewent up stairs with the toast; I warrant youmy dearsaid Ias Iopened the kitchen-dooryour father will be well again. Mr. Yorick'scurate wassmoking a pipe by the kitchen firebut said not a word good orbad tocomfort the youth. I thought it wrong; added the corporalI thinkso toosaid my uncle Toby.

When thelieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toasthe felt himselfa littlerevivedand sent down into the kitchento let me knowthat inabout tenminutes he should be glad if I would step up stairs. I believesaid thelandlordhe is going to say his prayersfor there was a booklaid uponthe chair by his bed-sideand as I shut the doorI saw his sontake up acushion.

I thoughtsaid the curatethat you gentlemen of the armyMr. Trimneversaid yourprayers at all. I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers lastnightsaid the landladyvery devoutlyand with my own earsor I couldnot havebelieved it. Are you sure of it? replied the curate. A soldieran' pleaseyour reverencesaid Iprays as often [of his own accord] as aparson; andwhen he is fighting for his kingand for his own lifeandfor hishonour toohe has the most reason to pray to God of any one in thewholeworld'Twas well said of theeTrimsaid my uncle Toby. But when asoldiersaid Ian' please your reverencehas been standing for twelvehourstogether in the trenchesup to his knees in cold wateror engagedsaid Ifor months together in long and dangerous marches; harassedperhapsin his rear to-day; harassing others to-morrow; detached here;countermandedthere; resting this night out upon his arms; beat up in hisshirt thenext; benumbed in his joints; perhaps without straw in his tentto kneelon; must say his prayers how and when he can. I believesaidIfor Iwas piquedquoth the corporalfor the reputation of the armyI believean' please your reverencesaid Ithat when a soldier gets timeto prayheprays as heartily as a parsonthough not with all his fussandhypocrisy. Thou shouldst not have said thatTrimsaid my uncleTobyforGod only knows who is a hypocriteand who is not: At the greatandgeneral review of us allcorporalat the day of judgment [and nottillthen] it will be seen who has done their duties in this worldandwho hasnot; and we shall be advancedTrimaccordingly. I hope we shallsaidTrim. It is in the Scripturesaid my uncle Toby; and I will shew ittheeto-morrow: In the mean time we may depend upon itTrimfor ourcomfortsaid my uncle Tobythat God Almighty is so good and just agovernorof the worldthat if we have but done our duties in itit willnever beenquired intowhether we have done them in a red coat or a blackone: I hopenotsaid the corporalBut go onTrimsaid my uncle Tobywith thystory.

When Iwent upcontinued the corporalinto the lieutenant's roomwhich Idid not dotill the expiration of the ten minuteshe was lying in his bedwith hishead raised upon his handwith his elbow upon the pillowand acleanwhite cambrick handkerchief beside it: The youth was just stoopingdown totake up the cushionupon which I supposed he had been kneelingthe bookwas laid upon the bedandas he rosein taking up the cushionwith onehandhe reached out his other to take it away at the same time.Let itremain theremy dearsaid the lieutenant.

He did notoffer to speak to metill I had walked up close to his bed-side: Ifyou are captain Shandy's servantsaid heyou must present mythanks toyour masterwith my little boy's thanks along with themfor hiscourtesyto me; if he was of Levens'ssaid the lieutenant. I told himyourhonour wasThensaid heI served three campaigns with him inFlandersand remember himbut 'tis most likelyas I had not the honourof anyacquaintance with himthat he knows nothing of me. You will tellhimhoweverthat the person his good-nature has laid under obligationstohimisone Le Fevera lieutenant in Angus'sbut he knows me notsaidheasecond timemusing; possibly he may my storyadded hepray tellthecaptainI was the ensign at Bredawhose wife was most unfortunatelykilledwith a musket-shotas she lay in my arms in my tent. I rememberthe storyan't please your honoursaid Ivery well. Do you so? said hewiping hiseyes with his handkerchiefthen well may I. In saying thishedrew alittle ring out of his bosomwhich seemed tied with a black ribbandabout hisneckand kiss'd it twiceHereBillysaid hethe boy flewacross theroom to the bed-sideand falling down upon his kneetook thering inhis handand kissed it toothen kissed his fatherand sat downupon thebed and wept.

I wishsaid my uncle Tobywith a deep sighI wishTrimI was asleep.

Yourhonourreplied the corporalis too much concerned; shall I pouryourhonour out a glass of sack to your pipe? DoTrimsaid my uncleToby.

Iremembersaid my uncle Tobysighing againthe story of the ensignandhis wifewith a circumstance his modesty omitted; and particularly wellthat heas well as sheupon some account or other [I forget what] wasuniversallypitied by the whole regiment; but finish the story thou artupon: 'Tisfinished alreadysaid the corporalfor I could stay nolongersowished his honour a good night; young Le Fever rose from offthe bedand saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we went downtogethertold methey had come from Irelandand were on their route tojoin theregiment in Flanders. But alas! said the corporalthelieutenant'slast day's march is over. Then what is to become of his poorboy? criedmy uncle Toby.

 ChapterVIII.

TheStory of Le Fever continued.

It was tomy uncle Toby's eternal honourthough I tell it only for thesake ofthosewhowhen coop'd in betwixt a natural and a positive lawknow notfor their soulswhich way in the world to turn themselvesThatnotwithstandingmy uncle Toby was warmly engaged at that time in carryingon thesiege of Dendermondparallel with the allieswho pressed theirs onsovigorouslythat they scarce allowed him time to get his dinnerthatneverthelesshe gave up Dendermondthough he had already made a lodgmentupon thecounterscarp; and bent his whole thoughts towards the privatedistressesat the inn; and except that he ordered the garden gate to bebolted upby which he might be said to have turned the siege of Dendermondinto ablockadehe left Dendermond to itselfto be relieved or not bythe Frenchkingas the French king thought good; and only considered howhe himselfshould relieve the poor lieutenant and his son.

That kindBeingwho is a friend to the friendlessshall recompence theefor this.

Thou hastleft this matter shortsaid my uncle Toby to the corporalas hewasputting him to bedand I will tell thee in whatTrim. In the firstplacewhen thou madest an offer of my services to Le Feveras sicknessandtravelling are both expensiveand thou knowest he was but a poorlieutenantwith a son to subsist as well as himself out of his paythatthou didstnot make an offer to him of my purse; becausehad he stood inneedthouknowestTrimhe had been as welcome to it as myself. Yourhonourknowssaid the corporalI had no orders; Truequoth my uncleTobythoudidst very rightTrimas a soldierbut certainly very wrongas a man.

In thesecond placefor whichindeedthou hast the same excusecontinuedmy uncle Tobywhen thou offeredst him whatever was in myhousethoushouldst have offered him my house too: A sick brotherofficershould have the best quartersTrimand if we had him with uswecould tendand look to him: Thou art an excellent nurse thyselfTrimand whatwith thy care of himand the old woman's and his boy'sand minetogetherwe might recruit him again at onceand set him upon his legs.

In afortnight or three weeksadded my uncle Tobysmilinghe mightmarch. Hewill never march; an' please your honourin this worldsaidthecorporal: He will march; said my uncle Tobyrising up from the sideof thebedwith one shoe off: An' please your honoursaid the corporalhe willnever march but to his grave: He shall marchcried my uncle Tobymarchingthe foot which had a shoe onthough without advanceing an inchhe shallmarch to his regiment. He cannot stand itsaid the corporal; Heshall besupportedsaid my uncle Toby; He'll drop at lastsaid thecorporaland what will become of his boy? He shall not dropsaid myuncleTobyfirmly. A-well-o'daydo what we can for himsaid Trimmaintaininghis pointthe poor soul will die: He shall not dieby G. .cried myuncle Toby.

TheAccusing Spiritwhich flew up to heaven's chancery with the oathblush'd ashe gave it in; and the Recording Angelas he wrote it downdropp'd atear upon the wordand blotted it out for ever.

 ChapterIX.

My onceToby went to his bureauput his purse into his breeches pocketand havingordered the corporal to go early in the morning for aphysicianhewent to bedand fell asleep.

 ChapterX.

TheStory of Le Fever concluded.

The sunlooked bright the morning afterto every eye in the village but LeFever'sand his afflicted son's; the hand of death pressed heavy upon hiseye-lidsandhardly could the wheel at the cistern turn round itscirclewhenmy uncle Tobywho had rose up an hour before his wontedtimeentered the lieutenant's roomand without preface or apologysathimselfdown upon the chair by the bed-sideandindependently of allmodes andcustomsopened the curtain in the manner an old friend andbrotherofficer would have done itand asked him how he didhow he hadrested inthe nightwhat was his complaintwhere was his painandwhat hecould do to help him: and without giving him time to answer anyone of theenquirieswent onand told him of the little plan which he hadbeenconcerting with the corporal the night before for him.

You shallgo home directlyLe Feversaid my uncle Tobyto my houseand we'llsend for a doctor to see what's the matterand we'll have anapothecaryandthe corporal shall be your nurse; and I'll be yourservantLe Fever.

There wasa frankness in my uncle Tobynot the effect of familiaritybut thecause of itwhich let you at once into his souland shewed youthegoodness of his nature; to this there was something in his looksandvoiceandmannersuperaddedwhich eternally beckoned to the unfortunateto comeand take shelter under himso that before my uncle Toby had halffinishedthe kind offers he was making to the fatherhad the soninsensiblypressed up close to his kneesand had taken hold of the breastof hiscoatand was pulling it towards him. The blood and spirits of LeFeverwhich were waxing cold and slow within himand were retreating totheir lastcitadelthe heartrallied backthe film forsook his eyes foramomenthe looked up wishfully in my uncle Toby's facethen cast alook uponhis boyand that ligamentfine as it waswas never broken.

Natureinstantly ebb'd againthe film returned to its placethe pulseflutteredstopp'dwent onthrobb'd stopp'd again moved stopp'dshallI go on?No.

 ChapterXI.

I am soimpatient to return to my own storythat what remains of young LeFever'sthat isfrom this turn of his fortuneto the time my uncle Tobyrecommendedhim for my preceptorshall be told in a very few words in thenextchapter. All that is necessary to be added to this chapter is asfollows.

That myuncle Tobywith young Le Fever in his handattended the poorlieutenantas chief mournersto his grave.

That thegovernor of Dendermond paid his obsequies all military honoursand thatYoricknot to be behind-handpaid him all ecclesiasticfor heburied himin his chancel: And it appears likewisehe preached a funeralsermonover himI say it appearsfor it was Yorick's customwhich Isuppose ageneral one with those of his professionon the first leaf ofeverysermon which he composedto chronicle down the timethe placeandtheoccasion of its being preached:   to thishe was ever wont toadd someshortcomment or stricture upon the sermon itselfseldomindeedmuch toitscredit: For instanceThis sermon upon the Jewish dispensationIdon't likeit at all; Though I own there is a world of Water-Landishknowledgein it; but 'tis all triticaland most tritically put together. --This isbut a flimsy kind of a composition; what was in my head when Imade it?

N. B.  The excellency of this text isthat it will suit any sermonandof thissermonthat it will suit any text.

For thissermon I shall be hangedfor I have stolen the greatest partof it.  Doctor Paidagunes found me out.   > Set a thief to catch athief.

On theback of half a dozen I find writtenSosoand no moreand upon acoupleModerato; by whichas far as one may gather from Altieri's Italiandictionarybutmostly from the authority of a piece of green whipcordwhichseemed to have been the unravelling of Yorick's whip-lashwith whichhe hasleft us the two sermons marked Moderatoand the half dozen of Sosotiedfast together in one bundle by themselvesone may safely supposehe meantpretty near the same thing.

There isbut one difficulty in the way of this conjecturewhich is thisthat themoderato's are five times better than the soso's; show tentimes moreknowledge of the human heart; have seventy times more wit andspirit inthem; [andto rise properly in my climax] discovered athousandtimes more genius; and to crown allare infinitely moreentertainingthan those tied up with them: for which reasonwhene'erYorick'sdramatic sermons are offered to the worldthough I shall admitbut oneout of the whole number of the soso'sI shallneverthelessadventureto print the two moderato's without any sort of scruple.

WhatYorick could mean by the words lentamentetenutegraveandsometimesadagioas applied to theological compositionsand with whichhe hascharacterised some of these sermonsI dare not venture to guess. Iam morepuzzled still upon finding a l'octava alta! upon one; Con strepitoupon theback of another; Scicilliana upon a third; Alla capella upon afourth; Conl'arco upon this; Senza l'arco upon that. All I know isthat theyare musical termsand have a meaning; and as he was a musicalmanIwill make no doubtbut that by some quaint application of suchmetaphorsto the compositions in handthey impressed very distinct ideasof theirseveral characters upon his fancywhatever they may do upon thatof others.

Amongstthesethere is that particular sermon which has unaccountably ledme intothis digressionThe funeral sermon upon poor Le Feverwrote outveryfairlyas if from a hasty copy. I take notice of it the morebecause itseems to have been his favourite compositionIt is uponmortality;and is tied length-ways and cross-ways with a yarn thrumandthenrolled up and twisted round with a half-sheet of dirty blue paperwhichseems to have been once the cast cover of a general reviewwhich tothis daysmells horribly of horse drugs. Whether these marks ofhumiliationwere designedI something doubt; because at the end of thesermon[and not at the beginning of it] very different from his way oftreatingthe resthe had wroteBravo!

Though notvery offensivelyfor it is at two inchesat leastand ahalf'sdistance fromand below the concluding line of the sermonat theveryextremity of the pageand in that right hand corner of itwhichyouknowisgenerally covered with your thumb; andto do it justiceit iswrotebesides with a crow's quill so faintly in a small Italian handasscarce tosolicit the eye towards the placewhether your thumb is there ornotsothat from the manner of itit stands half excused; and beingwrotemoreover with very pale inkdiluted almost to nothing'tis morelike aritratto of the shadow of vanitythan of Vanity herselfof thetwo;resembling rather a faint thought of transient applausesecretlystirringup in the heart of the composer; than a gross mark of itcoarselyobtrudedupon the world.

With allthese extenuationsI am awarethat in publishing thisI do noservice toYorick's character as a modest man; but all men have theirfailings!and what lessens this still fartherand almost wipes it awayisthis; thatthe word was struck through sometime afterwards [as appears fromadifferent tint of the ink] with a line quite across it in thismannerBRAVO[crossed out] as if he had retractedor was ashamed of the opinionhe hadonce entertained of it.

Theseshort characters of his sermons were always writtenexcepting inthis oneinstanceupon the first leaf of his sermonwhich served as acover toit; and usually upon the inside of itwhich was turned towardsthetext; but at the end of his discoursewhereperhapshe had five orsix pagesand sometimesperhapsa whole score to turn himself inhetook alarge circuitandindeeda much more mettlesome one; as if hehadsnatched the occasion of unlacing himself with a few more frolicksomestrokes atvicethan the straitness of the pulpit allowed. Thesethoughhussar-likethey skirmish lightly and out of all orderare stillauxiliarieson the side of virtue; tell me thenMynheer VanderBlonederdondergewdenstronkewhy they should not be printed together?

 ChapterXII.

When myuncle Toby had turned every thing into moneyand settled allaccountsbetwixt the agent of the regiment and Le Feverand betwixt LeFever andall mankindthere remained nothing more in my uncle Toby'shandsthan an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my uncle Toby foundlittle orno opposition from the world in taking administration.   The coatmy uncleToby gave the corporal; Wear itTrimsaid my uncle Tobyaslong as itwill hold togetherfor the sake of the poor lieutenantAndthissaidmy uncle Tobytaking up the sword in his handand drawing itout of thescabbard as he spokeand thisLe FeverI'll save for thee'tis allthe fortunecontinued my uncle Tobyhanging it up upon a crookandpointing to it'tis all the fortunemy dear Le Feverwhich God hasleft thee;but if he has given thee a heart to fight thy way with it in theworldandthou doest it like a man of honour'tis enough for us.

As soon asmy uncle Toby had laid a foundationand taught him to inscribea regularpolygon in a circlehe sent him to a public schoolwhereexceptingWhitsontide and Christmasat which times the corporal waspunctuallydispatched for himhe remained to the spring of the yearseventeen;when the stories of the emperor's sending his army into Hungaryagainstthe Turkskindling a spark of fire in his bosomhe left his Greekand Latinwithout leaveand throwing himself upon his knees before myuncleTobybegged his father's swordand my uncle Toby's leave along withitto goand try his fortune under Eugene. Twice did my uncle Toby forgethis woundand cry outLe Fever! I will go with theeand thou shalt fightbesidemeAnd twice he laid his hand upon his groinand hung down hishead insorrow and disconsolation.

My uncleToby took down the sword from the crookwhere it had hunguntouchedever since the lieutenant's deathand delivered it to thecorporalto brighten up; and having detained Le Fever a single fortnightto equiphimand contract for his passage to Leghornhe put the swordinto hishand. If thou art braveLe Feversaid my uncle Tobythis willnot failtheebut Fortunesaid he [musing a little]Fortune mayAndif shedoesadded my uncle Tobyembracing himcome back again to meLeFeverandwe will shape thee another course.

Thegreatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of Le Fever morethan myuncle Toby's paternal kindness; he parted from my uncle Tobyasthe bestof sons from the best of fathersboth dropped tearsand as myuncle Tobygave him his last kisshe slipped sixty guineastied up in anold purseof his father'sin which was his mother's ringinto his handand bidGod bless him.

 ChapterXIII.

Le Fevergot up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal hissword wasmade ofat the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade; but a seriesofunmerited mischances had pursued him from that momentand trod closeupon hisheels for four years together after; he had withstood thesebuffetingsto the lasttill sickness overtook him at Marseillesfromwhence hewrote my uncle Toby wordhe had lost his timehis serviceshishealthandin shortevery thing but his sword; and was waiting for thefirst shipto return back to him.

As thisletter came to hand about six weeks before Susannah's accidentLeFever washourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle Toby's mind allthe timemy father was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind ofa personhe would chuse for a preceptor to me:   but as my uncle Tobythought myfather at first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments herequiredhe forbore mentioning Le Fever's nametill the characterbyYorick'sinter-positionending unexpectedlyin onewho should be gentle-temperedand generousand goodit impressed the image of Le Feverandhisinterestupon my uncle Toby so forciblyhe rose instantly off hischair; andlaying down his pipein order to take hold of both my father'shandsIbegbrother Shandysaid my uncle TobyI may recommend poor LeFever'sson to youI beseech you doadded YorickHe has a good heartsaid myuncle TobyAnd a brave one tooan' please your honoursaid thecorporal.

The bestheartsTrimare ever the bravestreplied my uncle Toby. Andthegreatest cowardsan' please your honourin our regimentwere thegreatestrascals in it. There was serjeant Kumberand ensign

We'll talkof themsaid my fatheranother time.

 ChapterXIV.

What ajovial and a merry world would this bemay it please your worshipsbut forthat inextricable labyrinth of debtscareswoeswantgriefdiscontentmelancholylarge jointuresimpositionsand lies!

DoctorSloplike a son of a w. . .as my father called him for ittoexalthimselfdebased me to deathand made ten thousand times more ofSusannah'saccidentthan there was any grounds for; so that in a week'stimeorlessit was in every body's mouthThat poor Master Shandy. .. entirely. AndFamewho loves to double every thingin three days morehad swornpositively she saw itand all the worldas usualgave creditto herevidence'That the nursery window had not only. . . ; but that. .. 's also. '

Could theworld have been sued like a Body-Corporatemy father hadbrought anaction upon the caseand trounced it sufficiently; but to fallfoul ofindividuals about itas every soul who had mentioned the affairdid itwith the greatest pity imaginable; 'twas like flying in the veryface ofhis best friends: And yet to acquiesce under the reportinsilencewasto acknowledge it openlyat least in the opinion of one halfof theworld; and to make a bustle againin contradicting itwas toconfirm itas strongly in the opinion of the other half.

Was everpoor devil of a country gentleman so hampered? said my father.

I wouldshew him publicklysaid my uncle Tobyat the market cross.

'Twillhave no effectsaid my father.

 ChapterXV.

I'll puthimhoweverinto breechessaid my fatherlet the world saywhat itwill.

 ChapterXVI.

There area thousand resolutionsSirboth in church and stateas well asinmattersMadamof a more private concern; whichthough they havecarriedall the appearance in the world of being takenand entered upon ina hastyhare-brainedand unadvised mannerwerenotwithstanding this[and couldyou or I have got into the cabinetor stood behind the curtainwe shouldhave found it was so] weighedpoizedand perpendedargueduponcanvassedthroughentered intoand examined on all sides with somuchcoolnessthat the Goddess of Coolness herself [I do not take upon meto proveher existence] could neither have wished itor done it better.

Of thenumber of these was my father's resolution of putting me intobreeches;whichthough determined at oncein a kind of huffand adefianceof all mankindhadneverthelessbeen pro'd and conn'dandjudiciallytalked over betwixt him and my mother about a month beforeintwoseveral beds of justicewhich my father had held for that purpose.  Ishallexplain the nature of these beds of justice in my next chapter; andin thechapter following thatyou shall step with meMadambehind thecurtainonly to hear in what kind of manner my father and my motherdebatedbetween themselvesthis affair of the breechesfrom which youmay forman ideahow they debated all lesser matters.

 ChapterXVII.

Theancient Goths of Germanywho [the learned Cluverius is positive]werefirstseated in the country between the Vistula and the Oderand whoafterwardsincorporated the Herculithe Bugiansand some other Vandallickclans to'emhad all of them a wise custom of debating every thing ofimportanceto their statetwicethat isonce drunkand once sober:Drunkthattheir councils might not want vigour; and soberthat theymight notwant discretion.

Now myfather being entirely a water-drinkerwas a long time gravelledalmost todeathin turning this as much to his advantageas he did everyotherthing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventhyear ofhis marriageafter a thousand fruitless experiments and devicesthat hehit upon an expedient which answered the purpose; and that waswhen anydifficult and momentous point was to be settled in the familywhichrequired great sobrietyand great spirit tooin its determination--he fixedand set apart the first Sunday night in the monthand theSaturdaynight which immediately preceded itto argue it overin bed withmymother:   By which contrivanceif you considerSirwithyourself. .. .

These myfatherhumorously enoughcalled his beds of justice; for fromthe twodifferent counsels taken in these two different humoursa middleone wasgenerally found out which touched the point of wisdom as wellasif he hadgot drunk and sober a hundred times.

I must notbe made a secret of to the worldthat this answers full as wellinliterary discussionsas either in military or conjugal; but it isnoteveryauthor that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did itorif hecanmay it be always for his body's health; and to do itas myfather diditam I sure it would be always for his soul's.

My way isthis:

In allnice and ticklish discussions[of whichheaven knowsthere arebut toomany in my book] where I find I cannot take a step without thedanger ofhaving either their worships or their reverences upon my backIwriteone-half fulland t'other fasting; or write it all fullandcorrect itfasting; or write it fastingand correct it fullfor theyall cometo the same thing: So that with a less variation from my father'splanthanmy father's from the GothickI feel myself upon a par with himin hisfirst bed of justiceand no way inferior to him in his second.Thesedifferent and almost irreconcileable effectsflow uniformly from thewise andwonderful mechanism of natureof whichbe her's the honour.All thatwe can dois to turn and work the machine to the improvement andbettermanufactory of the arts and sciences.

NowwhenI write fullI write as if I was never to write fasting againas long asI live; that isI write free from the cares as well as theterrors ofthe world. I count not the number of my scarsnor does myfancy goforth into dark entries and bye-corners to ante-date my stabs. Ina wordmypen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fulness ofmy heartas my stomach.

But whenan' please your honoursI indite fasting'tis a differenthistory. Ipay the world all possible attention and respectand have asgreat ashare [whilst it lasts] of that under strapping virtue ofdiscretionas the best of you. So that betwixt bothI write a carelesskind of acivilnonsensicalgood-humoured Shandean bookwhich will doall yourhearts good

And allyour heads tooprovided you understand it.

 ChapterXVIII.

We shouldbeginsaid my fatherturning himself half round in bedandshiftinghis pillow a little towards my mother'sas he opened the debateWe shouldbegin to thinkMrs. Shandyof putting this boy into breeches.

We shouldsosaid my mother. We defer itmy dearquoth my fathershamefully.

I think wedoMr. Shandysaid my mother.

Not butthe child looks extremely wellsaid my fatherin his vests andtunicks.

He doeslook very well in themreplied my mother.

And forthat reason it would be almost a sinadded my fatherto takehim out of'em.

It wouldsosaid my mother: But indeed he is growing a very tall lad--rejoinedmy father.

He is verytall for his ageindeedsaid my mother.

I can not[making two syllables of it] imaginequoth my fatherwho thedeuce hetakes after.

I cannotconceivefor my lifesaid my mother.

Humph! saidmy father.

[Thedialogue ceased for a moment. ]

[I am veryshort myselfcontinued my father gravely.

You arevery shortMr Shandysaid my mother.

Humph!quoth my father to himselfa second time:   in muttering whichhepluckedhis pillow a little further from my mother'sand turning aboutagainthere was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.

When hegets these breeches madecried my father in a higher tonehe'lllook likea beast in 'em.

He will bevery awkward in them at firstreplied my mother.

And 'twillbe luckyif that's the worst on'tadded my father.

It will bevery luckyanswered my mother.

I supposereplied my fathermaking some pause firsthe'll be exactlylike otherpeople's children.

Exactlysaid my mother.

Though Ishall be sorry for thatadded my father:   and so the debatestopp'dagain.

Theyshould be of leathersaid my fatherturning him about again.

They willlast himsaid my motherthe longest.

But he canhave no linings to 'emreplied my father.

He cannotsaid my mother.

'Twerebetter to have them of fustianquoth my father.

Nothingcan be betterquoth my mother.

Exceptdimityreplied my father: 'Tis best of allreplied my mother.

One mustnot give him his deathhoweverinterrupted my father.

By nomeanssaid my mother: and so the dialogue stood still again.

I amresolvedhoweverquoth my fatherbreaking silence the fourth timehe shallhave no pockets in them.

There isno occasion for anysaid my mother.

I mean inhis coat and waistcoatcried my father.

I mean sotooreplied my mother.

Though ifhe gets a gig or topPoor souls! it is a crown and a sceptretothemthey should have where to secure it.

Order itas you pleaseMr. Shandyreplied my mother.

But don'tyou think it right? added my fatherpressing the point home toher.

Perfectlysaid my motherif it pleases youMr. Shandy.

There'sfor you! cried my fatherlosing his temperPleases me! Younever willdistinguishMrs. Shandynor shall I ever teach you to do itbetwixt apoint of pleasure and a point of convenience. This was on theSundaynight: and further this chapter sayeth not.

 ChapterXIX.

After myfather had debated the affair of the breeches with my motherheconsultedAlbertus Rubenius upon it; and Albertus Rubenius used my fatherten timesworse in the consultation [if possible] than even my father hadused mymother:   For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto expressDe reVestiariaVeterumit was Rubenius's business to have given my father somelights. Onthe contrarymy father might as well have thought ofextractingthe seven cardinal virtues out of a long beardas ofextractinga single word out of Rubenius upon the subject.

Upon everyother article of ancient dressRubenius was very communicativeto myfather; gave him a full satisfactory account ofThe Togaor loose gown.TheChlamys.The Ephod.TheTunicaor Jacket.TheSynthesis.ThePaenula.TheLacemawith its Cucullus.ThePaludamentum.ThePraetexta.The Sagumor soldier's jerkin.TheTrabea: of whichaccording to Suetoniusthere was three kinds.

But whatare all these to the breeches? said my father.

Rubeniusthrew him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had beenin fashionwith the Romans.

There wasThe openshoe.The closeshoe.The slipshoe.The woodenshoe.The soc.Thebuskin.And Themilitary shoe with hobnails in itwhich Juvenal takes notice of.

TherewereThe clogs.Thepattins.Thepantoufles.Thebrogues.Thesandalswith latchets to them.

There wasThe feltshoe.The linenshoe.The lacedshoe.Thebraided shoe.Thecalceus incisus.And Thecalceus rostratus.

Rubeniusshewed my father how well they all fittedin what manner theylacedonwith what pointsstrapsthongslatchetsribbandsjaggsandends.

But I wantto be informed about the breechessaid my father.

AlbertusRubenius informed my father that the Romans manufactured stuffs ofvariousfabricssome plainsome stripedothers diapered throughoutthe wholecontexture of the woolwith silk and goldThat linen did notbegin tobe in common use till towards the declension of the empirewhentheEgyptians coming to settle amongst thembrought it into vogue.

Thatpersons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by thefinenessand whiteness of their clothes; which colour [next to purplewhich wasappropriated to the great offices] they most affectedand woreon theirbirth-days and public rejoicings. That it appeared from the besthistoriansof those timesthat they frequently sent their clothes to thefullertobe clean'd and whitened: but that the inferior peopleto avoidthatexpencegenerally wore brown clothesand of a something coarsertexturetilltowards the beginning of Augustus's reignwhen the slavedressedlike his masterand almost every distinction of habiliment waslostbutthe Latus Clavus.

And whatwas the Latus Clavus? said my father.

Rubeniustold himthat the point was still litigating amongst thelearned: ThatEgnatiusSigoniusBossius TicinensisBayfius BudaeusSalmasiusLipsiusLaziusIsaac Casaubonand Joseph Scaligeralldifferedfrom each otherand he from them:   That some took it to be thebuttonsomethe coat itselfothers only the colour of it; That thegreatBayfuis in his Wardrobe of the Ancientschap. 12honestly saidheknew notwhat it waswhether a tibulaa studa buttona loopabuckleorclasps and keepers.

My fatherlost the horsebut not the saddleThey are hooks and eyessaid myfatherand with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made.

 ChapterXX.

We are nowgoing to enter upon a new scene of events.

Leave wethen the breeches in the taylor's handswith my father standingover himwith his canereading him as he sat at work a lecture upon thelatusclavusand pointing to the precise part of the waistbandwhere hewasdetermined to have it sewed on.

Leave wemy mother [truest of all the Poco-curante's of her sex! ]carelessabout itas about every thing else in the world which concernedher; thatisindifferent whether it was done this way or thatprovidedit was butdone at all.

Leave weSlop likewise to the full profits of all my dishonours.

Leave wepoor Le Fever to recoverand get home from Marseilles as he can. --And lastof allbecause the hardest of all

Let usleaveif possiblemyself: But 'tis impossibleI must go alongwith youto the end of the work.

 ChapterXXI.

If thereader has not a clear conception of the rood and the half of groundwhich layat the bottom of my uncle Toby's kitchen-gardenand which wasthe sceneof so many of his delicious hoursthe fault is not in mebutin hisimagination; for I am sure I gave him so minute a descriptionIwas almostashamed of it.

When Fatewas looking forwards one afternooninto the great transactionsof futuretimesand recollected for what purposes this little plotby adecreefast bound down in ironhad been destinedshe gave a nod toNature'twasenoughNature threw half a spade full of her kindliestcompostupon itwith just so much clay in itas to retain the forms ofangles andindentingsand so little of it tooas not to cling to thespadeandrender works of so much glorynasty in foul weather.

My uncleToby came downas the reader has been informedwith plans alongwith himof almost every fortified town in Italy and Flanders; so let theduke ofMarlboroughor the allieshave set down before what town theypleasedmy uncle Toby was prepared for them.

His waywhich was the simplest one in the worldwas this; as soon as evera town wasinvested [but sooner when the design was known] to take theplan of it[let it be what town it would]and enlarge it upon a scale tothe exactsize of his bowling-green; upon the surface of whichby means ofa largerole of packthreadand a number of small piquets driven into thegroundatthe several angles and redanshe transferred the lines from hispaper;then taking the profile of the placewith its worksto determinethe depthsand slopes of the ditchesthe talus of the glacisand thepreciseheight of the several banquetsparapets& c. he set the corporalto workandsweetly went it on: The nature of the soilthe nature ofthe workitselfand above allthe good-nature of my uncle Toby sittingby frommorning to nightand chatting kindly with the corporal upon past-donedeedsleft Labour little else but the ceremony of the name.

When theplace was finished in this mannerand put into a proper postureofdefenceit was investedand my uncle Toby and the corporal began torun theirfirst parallel. I beg I may not be interrupted in my storybybeingtoldThat the first parallel should be at least three hundred toisesdistantfrom the main body of the placeand that I have not left a singleinch forit; for my uncle Toby took the liberty of incroaching upon hiskitchen-gardenfor the sake of enlarging his works on the bowling-greenand forthat reason generally ran his first and second parallels betwixttwo rowsof his cabbages and his cauliflowers; the conveniences andinconveniencesof which will be considered at large in the history of myuncleToby's and the corporal's campaignsof whichthis I'm now writingis but asketchand will be finishedif I conjecture rightin threepages [butthere is no guessing] The campaigns themselves will take up asmanybooks; and therefore I apprehend it would be hanging too great aweight ofone kind of matter in so flimsy a performance as thistorhapsodizethemas I once intendedinto the body of the worksurely theyhad betterbe printed apartwe'll consider the affairso take thefollowingsketch of them in the mean time.

 ChapterXXII.

When thetownwith its workswas finishedmy uncle Toby and the corporalbegan torun their first parallelnot at randomor any howbut from thesamepoints and distances the allies had begun to run theirs; andregulatingtheir approaches and attacksby the accounts my uncle Tobyreceivedfrom the daily papersthey went onduring the whole siegestepby stepwith the allies.

When theduke of Marlborough made a lodgmentmy uncle Toby made alodgmenttoo. And when the face of a bastion was battered downor adefenceruinedthe corporal took his mattock and did as muchand soon; gaininggroundand making themselves masters of the works one afteranothertill the town fell into their hands.

To one whotook pleasure in the happy state of othersthere could nothave beena greater sight in worldthan on a post morningin which apracticablebreach had been made by the duke of Marlboroughin the mainbody ofthe placeto have stood behind the horn-beam hedgeand observedthe spiritwith which my uncle Tobywith Trim behind himsallied forth;the onewith the Gazette in his handthe other with a spade on hisshoulderto execute the contents. What an honest triumph in my uncleToby'slooks as he marched up to the ramparts!   What intense pleasureswimmingin his eye as he stood over the corporalreading the paragraphten timesover to himas he was at worklestperadventurehe shouldmake thebreach an inch too wideor leave it an inch too narrow. Butwhen thechamade was beatand the corporal helped my uncle up itandfollowedwith the colours in his handto fix them upon the rampartsHeaven!Earth! Sea! but what avails apostrophes? with all your elementswet ordryye never compounded so intoxicating a draught.

In thistrack of happiness for many yearswithout one interruption to itexcept nowand then when the wind continued to blow due west for a week orten daystogetherwhich detained the Flanders mailand kept them so longintorturebut still 'twas the torture of the happyIn this trackIsaydidmy uncle Toby and Trim move for many yearsevery year of whichandsometimes every monthfrom the invention of either the one or theother ofthemadding some new conceit or quirk of improvement to theiroperationswhich always opened fresh springs of delight in carrying themon.

The firstyear's campaign was carried on from beginning to endin theplain andsimple method I've related.

In thesecond yearin which my uncle Toby took Liege and Ruremondhethought hemight afford the expence of four handsome draw-bridges; of twoof which Ihave given an exact description in the former part of my work.

At thelatter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with port-cullises: Theselast were converted afterwards into orguesas the betterthing; andduring the winter of the same yearmy uncle Tobyinstead of anew suitof clotheswhich he always had at Christmastreated himself witha handsomesentry-boxto stand at the corner of the bowling-greenbetwixtwhichpoint and the foot of the glacisthere was left a little kind of anesplanadefor him and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon.

Thesentry-box was in case of rain.

All thesewere painted white three times over the ensuing springwhichenabled myuncle Toby to take the field with great splendour.

My fatherwould often say to Yorickthat if any mortal in the wholeuniversehad done such a thing except his brother Tobyit would have beenlookedupon by the world as one of the most refined satires upon the paradeandprancing manner in which Lewis XIV. from the beginning of the warbutparticularlythat very yearhad taken the fieldBut 'tis not my brotherToby'snaturekind soul! my father would addto insult any one.

But let usgo on.

 ChapterXXIII.

I mustobservethat although in the first year's campaignthe word townis oftenmentionedyet there was no town at that time within the polygon;thataddition was not made till the summer following the spring in whichthebridges and sentry-box were paintedwhich was the third year of myuncleToby's campaignswhen upon his taking AmbergBonnand Rhinbergand Huyand Limbourgone after anothera thought came into the corporal'sheadthatto talk of taking so many townswithout one Town to shew foritwas avery nonsensical way of going to workand so proposed to myuncleTobythat they should have a little model of a town built for them--to be runup together of slit dealsand then paintedand clapped withintheinterior polygon to serve for all.

My uncleToby felt the good of the project instantlyand instantly agreedto itbutwith the addition of two singular improvementsof which he wasalmost asproud as if he had been the original inventor of the projectitself.

The onewasto have the town built exactly in the style of those of whichit wasmost likely to be the representative: with grated windowsand thegable endsof the housesfacing the streets& c. & c. as those in GhentandBrugesand the rest of the towns in Brabant and Flanders.

The otherwasnot to have the houses run up togetheras the corporalproposedbut to have every house independentto hook onor offso as toform intothe plan of whatever town they pleased.   This was put directlyinto handand many and many a look of mutual congratulation was exchangedbetween myuncle Toby and the corporalas the carpenter did the work.

Itanswered prodigiously the next summerthe town was a perfect Proteus--It wasLandenand Trerebachand Santvlietand Drusenand Hagenauandthen itwas Ostend and Meninand Aeth and Dendermond.

Surelynever did any Town act so many partssince Sodom and Gomorrahasmy uncleToby's town did.

In thefourth yearmy uncle Toby thinking a town looked foolishly withouta churchadded a very fine one with a steeple. Trim was for having bellsin it; myuncle Toby saidthe metal had better be cast into cannon.

This ledthe way the next campaign for half a dozen brass field-piecestobe plantedthree and three on each side of my uncle Toby's sentry-box; andin a shorttimethese led the way for a train of somewhat largerand soon [as mustalways be the case in hobby-horsical affairs] from pieces ofhalf aninch boretill it came at last to my father's jack boots.

The nextyearwhich was that in which Lisle was besiegedand at the closeof whichboth Ghent and Bruges fell into our handsmy uncle Toby wassadly putto it for proper ammunition; I say proper ammunitionbecausehis greatartillery would not bear powder; and 'twas well for the Shandyfamilythey would notFor so full were the papersfrom the beginning tothe end ofthe siegeof the incessant firings kept up by the besiegersand soheated was my uncle Toby's imagination with the accounts of themthat hehad infallibly shot away all his estate.

Somethingtherefore was wanting as a succedaneumespecially in one or twoof themore violent paroxysms of the siegeto keep up something like acontinualfiring in the imaginationand this somethingthe corporalwhoseprincipal strength lay in inventionsupplied by an entire new systemofbattering of his ownwithout whichthis had been objected to bymilitarycriticsto the end of the worldas one of the great desiderataof myuncle Toby's apparatus.

This willnot be explained the worsefor setting offas I generally doat alittle distance from the subject.

 ChapterXXIV.

With twoor three other trinketssmall in themselvesbut of great regardwhich poorTomthe corporal's unfortunate brotherhad sent him overwiththeaccount of his marriage with the Jew's widowthere was

AMontero-cap and two Turkish tobacco-pipes.

TheMontero-cap I shall describe by and bye. The Turkish tobacco-pipes hadnothingparticular in themthey were fitted up and ornamented as usualwithflexible tubes of Morocco leather and gold wireand mounted at theirendstheone of them with ivorythe other with black ebonytipp'd withsilver.

My fatherwho saw all things in lights different from the rest of theworldwould say to the corporalthat he ought to look upon these twopresentsmore as tokens of his brother's nicetythan his affection. Tomdid notcareTrimhe would sayto put on the capor to smoke in thetobacco-pipeof a Jew. God bless your honourthe corporal would say[giving astrong reason to the contrary] how can that be?

TheMontero-cap was scarletof a superfine Spanish clothdyed in grainandmounted all round with furexcept about four inches in the frontwhich wasfaced with a light blueslightly embroideredand seemed tohave beenthe property of a Portuguese quarter-masternot of footbut ofhorseasthe word denotes.

Thecorporal was not a little proud of itas well for its own sakeasthesake ofthe giverso seldom or never put it on but upon Gala-days; and yetnever wasa Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all controvertedpointswhether military or culinaryprovided the corporal was sure he wasin therightit was either his oathhis wageror his gift.

'Twas hisgift in the present case.

I'll beboundsaid the corporalspeaking to himselfto give away myMontero-capto the first beggar who comes to the doorif I do not managethismatter to his honour's satisfaction.

Thecompletion was no further offthan the very next morning; which wasthat ofthe storm of the counterscarp betwixt the Lower Deuleto therightandthe gate St. Andrewand on the leftbetween St. Magdalen'sand theriver.

As thiswas the most memorable attack in the whole warthe most gallantandobstinate on both sidesand I must add the most bloody toofor itcost theallies themselves that morning above eleven hundred menmy uncleTobyprepared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity.

The evewhich precededas my uncle Toby went to bedhe ordered hisramalliewigwhich had laid inside out for many years in the corner of anoldcampaigning trunkwhich stood by his bedsideto be taken out andlaidupon thelid of itready for the morning; and the very first thing he didin hisshirtwhen he had stepped out of bedmy uncle Tobyafter he hadturned therough side outwardsput it on: This donehe proceeded nextto hisbreechesand having buttoned the waist-bandhe forthwith buckledon hissword-beltand had got his sword half way inwhen he consideredhe shouldwant shavingand that it would be very inconvenient doing itwith hissword onso took it off: In essaying to put on his regimentalcoat andwaistcoatmy uncle Toby found the same objection in his wigsothat wentoff too: So that what with one thing and what with anotherasalwaysfalls out when a man is in the most haste'twas ten o'clockwhichwas halfan hour later than his usual timebefore my uncle Toby salliedout.

 ChapterXXV.

My uncleToby had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedgewhichseparatedhis kitchen-garden from his bowling-greenwhen he perceived thecorporalhad begun the attack without him.

Let mestop and give you a picture of the corporal's apparatus; and of thecorporalhimself in the height of his attackjust as it struck my uncleTobyashe turned towards the sentry-boxwhere the corporal was at work--for innature there is not such anothernor can any combination of allthat isgrotesque and whimsical in her works produce its equal.

Thecorporal

Treadlightly on his ashesye men of geniusfor he was your kinsman:

Weed hisgrave cleanye men of goodnessfor he was your brother. Ohcorporal!had I theebut nownowthat I am able to give thee a dinnerandprotectionhow would I cherish thee! thou should'st wear thy Montero-cap everyhour of the dayand every day of the week. and when it was wornoutIwould purchase thee a couple like it: But alas! alas! alas! nowthat I cando this in spite of their reverencesthe occasion is lostforthou artgone; thy genius fled up to the stars from whence it came; andthat warmheart of thinewith all its generous and open vesselscompressedinto a clod of the valley!

Butwhatwhat is thisto that future and dreaded pagewhere I looktowardsthe velvet palldecorated with the military ensigns of thy master--thefirstthe foremost of created beings; whereI shall see theefaithfulservant! laying his sword and scabbard with a trembling handacross hiscoffinand then returning pale as ashes to the doorto takehismourning horse by the bridleto follow his hearseas he directedthee; whereallmy father's systems shall be baffled by his sorrows; andin spiteof his philosophyI shall behold himas he inspects the lackeredplatetwice taking his spectacles from off his noseto wipe away the dewwhichnature has shed upon themWhen I see him cast in the rosemary withan air ofdisconsolationwhich cries through my earsO Toby! in whatcorner ofthe world shall I seek thy fellow?

Graciouspowers! which erst have opened the lips of the dumb in hisdistressand made the tongue of the stammerer speak plainwhen I shallarrive atthis dreaded pagedeal not with methenwith a stinted hand.

 ChapterXXVI.

Thecorporalwho the night before had resolved in his mind to supply thegranddesideratumof keeping up something like an incessant firing uponthe enemyduring the heat of the attackhad no further idea in his fancyat thattimethan a contrivance of smoking tobacco against the townoutof one ofmy uncle Toby's six field-pieceswhich were planted on each sideof hissentry-box; the means of effecting which occurring to his fancy atthe sametimethough he had pledged his caphe thought it in no dangerfrom themiscarriage of his projects.

Uponturning it this wayand thata little in his mindhe soon began tofind outthat by means of his two Turkish tobacco-pipeswith thesupplementof three smaller tubes of wash-leather at each of their lowerendstobe tagg'd by the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holesandsealed with clay next the cannonand then tied hermeticallywith waxedsilk at their several insertions into the Morocco tubeheshould beable to fire the six field-pieces all togetherand with the sameease as tofire one.

Let no mansay from what taggs and jaggs hints may not be cut out for theadvancementof human knowledge.   Let no manwho has read my father's firstand secondbeds of justiceever rise up and say againfrom collision ofwhat kindsof bodies light may or may not be struck outto carry the artsandsciences up to perfection. Heaven! thou knowest how I love them; thouknowestthe secrets of my heartand that I would this moment give myshirtThouart a foolShandysays Eugeniusfor thou hast but a dozen intheworldand 'twill break thy set.

No matterfor thatEugenius; I would give the shirt off my back to beburnt intotinderwere it only to satisfy one feverish enquirerhow manysparks atone good strokea good flint and steel could strike into thetail ofit. Think ye not that in striking these inhe mightper-adventurestrike something out? as sure as a gun.

But thisprojectby the bye.

Thecorporal sat up the best part of the nightin bringing his toperfection;and having made a sufficient proof of his cannonwith chargingthem tothe top with tobaccohe went with contentment to bed.

 ChapterXXVII.

Thecorporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle Tobyinorder tofix his apparatusand just give the enemy a shot or two before myuncle Tobycame.

He haddrawn the six field-pieces for this endall close up together infront ofmy uncle Toby's sentry-boxleaving only an interval of about ayard and ahalf betwixt the threeon the right and leftfor theconvenienceof charging& c. and the sake possibly of two batterieswhichhe mightthink double the honour of one.

In therear and facing this openingwith his back to the door of thesentry-boxfor fear of being flankedhad the corporal wisely taken hispost: Heheld the ivory pipeappertaining to the battery on the rightbetwixtthe finger and thumb of his right handand the ebony pipe tipp'dwithsilverwhich appertained to the battery on the leftbetwixt thefinger andthumb of the otherand with his right knee fixed firm upon thegroundasif in the front rank of his platoonwas the corporalwith hisMontero-capupon his headfuriously playing off his two cross batteries atthe sametime against the counter-guardwhich faced the counterscarpwhere theattack was to be made that morning.   His first intentionas Isaidwasno more than giving the enemy a single puff or two; but thepleasureof the puffsas well as the puffinghad insensibly got hold ofthecorporaland drawn him on from puff to puffinto the very height oftheattackby the time my uncle Toby joined him.

'Twas wellfor my fatherthat my uncle Toby had not his will to make thatday.

 ChapterXXVIII.

My uncleToby took the ivory pipe out of the corporal's handlooked at itfor half aminuteand returned it.

In lessthan two minutesmy uncle Toby took the pipe from the corporalagainandraised it half way to his mouththen hastily gave it back asecondtime.

Thecorporal redoubled the attackmy uncle Toby smiledthen lookedgravethensmiled for a momentthen looked serious for a long time;Give mehold of the ivory pipeTrimsaid my uncle Tobymy uncle Toby putit to hislipsdrew it back directlygave a peep over the horn-beamhedge; neverdid my uncle Toby's mouth water so much for a pipe in hislife. Myuncle Toby retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in hishand.

Dear uncleToby! don't go into the sentry-box with the pipethere's notrusting aman's self with such a thing in such a corner.

 ChapterXXIX.

I beg thereader will assist me hereto wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnancebehind thescenesto remove his sentry-boxand clear the theatreifpossibleof horn-works and half moonsand get the rest of his militaryapparatusout of the way; that donemy dear friend Garrickwe'll snuffthecandles brightsweep the stage with a new broomdraw up thecurtainand exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new characterthroughoutwhich theworld can have no idea how he will act:   and yetif pity be a-kin toloveand bravery no alien to ityou have seen enough of my uncleToby intheseto trace these family likenessesbetwixt the two passions[in casethere is one] to your heart's content.

Vainscience! thou assistest us in no case of this kindand thou puzzlestus inevery one.

There wasMadamin my uncle Tobya singleness of heart which misled himso far outof the little serpentine tracks in which things of this natureusually goon; you canyou can have no conception of it:   with thistherewas aplainness and simplicity of thinkingwith such an unmistrustingignoranceof the plies and foldings of the heart of woman; and so nakedanddefenceless did he stand before you[when a siege was out of hishead]that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walksand shotmy uncle Toby ten times in a daythrough his liverif nine timesin a dayMadamhad not served your purpose.

With allthisMadamand what confounded every thing as much on the otherhandmyuncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told youofandwhichby the byestood eternal sentry upon his feelingsthat youmight assoonBut where am I going? these reflections crowd in upon me tenpages atleast too soonand take up that timewhich I ought to bestowuponfacts.

 ChapterXXX.

Of the fewlegitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the stingof lovewas[maintaining firstall mysogynists to be bastards] thegreatestheroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst themnine partsin ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the keyof mystudyout of my draw-wellonly for five minutesto tell you theirnamesrecollectthem I cannotso be content to accept of thesefor thepresentin their stead.

There wasthe great king Aldrovandusand Bosphorusand CappadociusandDardanusand Pontusand Asiusto say nothing of the iron-heartedCharlesthe XIIthwhom the Countess of K. . . . . herself could make nothingof. Therewas Babylonicusand Mediterraneusand Polixenesand PersicusandPrusicusnot one of whom [except Cappadocius and Pontuswho werebotha littlesuspected] ever once bowed down his breast to the goddessThetruth isthey had all of them something else to doand so had my uncleTobytillFatetill Fate I sayenvying his name the glory of beinghandeddown to posterity with Aldrovandus's and the restshe baselypatched upthe peace of Utrecht.

BelievemeSirs'twas the worst deed she did that year.

 ChapterXXXI.

Amongstthe many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrechtit was within apoint ofgiving my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges; and though he recoveredhisappetite afterwardsyet Calais itself left not a deeper scar inMary'sheartthan Utrecht upon my uncle Toby's.   To the end of his life henevercould hearUtrecht mentioned upon any account whateveror so much as readan articleof news extracted out of the Utrecht Gazettewithout fetching asighasif his heart would break in twain.

My fatherwho was a great Motive-Mongerand consequently a very dangerousperson fora man to sit byeither laughing or cryingfor he generallyknew yourmotive for doing bothmuch better than you knew it yourselfwouldalways console my uncle Toby upon these occasionsin a waywhichshewedplainlyhe imagined my uncle Toby grieved for nothing in the wholeaffairsomuch as the loss of his hobby-horse. Never mindbrother Tobyhe wouldsayby God's blessing we shall have another war break out againsome ofthese days; and when it doesthe belligerent powersif theywould hangthemselvescannot keep us out of play. I defy 'emmy dearTobyhewould addto take countries without taking townsor townswithoutsieges.

My uncleToby never took this back-stroke of my father's at his hobby-horsekindly. Hethought the stroke ungenerous; and the more sobecause instrikingthe horse he hit the rider tooand in the most dishonourable parta blowcould fall; so that upon these occasionshe always laid down hispipe uponthe table with more fire to defend himself than common.

I told thereaderthis time two yearsthat my uncle Toby was noteloquent;and in the very same page gave an instance to the contrary: Irepeat theobservationand a fact which contradicts it again. He was noteloquentitwas not easy to my uncle Toby to make long haranguesand hehatedflorid ones; but there were occasions where the stream overflowed themanandran so counter to its usual coursethat in some parts my uncleTobyfora timewas at least equal to Tertullusbut in othersin my ownopinioninfinitely above him.

My fatherwas so highly pleased with one of these apologetical orations ofmy uncleToby'swhich he had delivered one evening before him and Yorickthat hewrote it down before he went to bed.

I have hadthe good fortune to meet with it amongst my father's paperswith hereand there an insertion of his ownbetwixt two crooksthus [. .. ]and isendorsed

My BrotherToby's Justification of His Own Principles and Conduct inWishing toContinue the War.

I maysafely sayI have read over this apologetical oration of my uncleToby's ahundred timesand think it so fine a model of defenceand shewsso sweet atemperament of gallantry and good principles in himthat I giveit theworldword for word [interlineations and all]as I find it.

 ChapterXXXII.

MyUncle Toby's Apologetical Oration.

I am notinsensiblebrother Shandythat when a man whose profession isarmswishesas I have donefor warit has an ill aspect to the world; --and thathow just and right soever his motives the intentions may behestands inan uneasy posture in vindicating himself from private views indoing it.

For thiscauseif a soldier is a prudent manwhich he may be withoutbeing ajot the less bravehe will be sure not to utter his wish in thehearing ofan enemy; for say what he willan enemy will not believe him.He will becautious of doing it even to a friendlest he may suffer inhisesteem: But if his heart is overchargedand a secret sigh for armsmust haveits venthe will reserve it for the ear of a brotherwho knowshischaracter to the bottomand what his true notionsdispositionsandprinciplesof honour are:   WhatI hopeI have been in all thesebrotherShandywould be unbecoming in me to say: much worseI knowhave I beenthan Ioughtand something worseperhapsthan I think:   But such as Iamyoumy dear brother Shandywho have sucked the same breasts with me--and withwhom I have been brought up from my cradleand from whoseknowledgefrom the first hours of our boyish pastimesdown to thisIhaveconcealed no one action of my lifeand scarce a thought in itSuchas I ambrotheryou must by this time know mewith all my vicesandwith allmy weaknesses toowhether of my agemy tempermy passionsormyunderstanding.

Tell methenmy dear brother Shandyupon which of them it isthat when Icondemnedthe peace of Utrechtand grieved the war was not carried on withvigour alittle longeryou should think your brother did it upon unworthyviews; orthat in wishing for warhe should be bad enough to wish more ofhisfellow-creatures slainmore slaves madeand more families drivenfrom theirpeaceful habitationsmerely for his own pleasure: Tell mebrotherShandyupon what one deed of mine do you ground it?   [The deviladeed do Iknow ofdear Tobybut one for a hundred poundswhich I lentthee tocarry on these cursed sieges. ]

Ifwhen Iwas a school-boyI could not hear a drum beatbut my heartbeat withitwas it my fault? Did I plant the propensity there? Did Isound thealarm withinor Nature?

When GuyEarl of Warwickand Parismus and Parismenusand Valentine andOrsonandthe Seven Champions of Englandwere handed around the schoolwere theynot all purchased with my own pocket-money?   Was that selfishbrotherShandy?   When we read over the siege of Troywhich lasted tenyears andeight monthsthough with such a train of artillery as we had atNamurthetown might have been carried in a weekwas I not as muchconcernedfor the destruction of the Greeks and Trojans as any boy of thewholeschool?   Had I not three strokes of a ferula given metwo on myrighthandand one on my leftfor calling Helena a bitch for it?  Did anyone of youshed more tears for Hector?   And when king Priam came to thecamp tobeg his bodyand returned weeping back to Troy without ityouknowbrotherI could not eat my dinner.

Did thatbespeak me cruel?   Or becausebrother Shandymy blood flew outinto thecampand my heart panted for warwas it a proof it could notache forthe distresses of war too?

O brother!'tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurelsand 'tisanother toscatter cypress. [Who told theemy dear Tobythat cypress wasused bythe antients on mournful occasions? ]

'Tis onethingbrother Shandyfor a soldier to hazard his own lifetoleap firstdown into the trenchwhere he is sure to be cut in pieces:'Tis onethingfrom public spirit and a thirst of gloryto enter thebreach thefirst manto stand in the foremost rankand march bravely onwith drumsand trumpetsand colours flying about his ears: 'Tis onethingIsaybrother Shandyto do thisand 'tis another thing toreflect onthe miseries of war; to view the desolations of wholecountriesand consider the intolerable fatigues and hardships which thesoldierhimselfthe instrument who works themis forced [for sixpence adayif hecan get it] to undergo.

Need I betolddear Yorickas I was by youin Le Fever's funeral sermonThat sosoft and gentle a creatureborn to loveto mercyand kindnessas man iswas not shaped for this? But why did you not addYorickifnot byNaturethat he is so by Necessity? For what is war? what is itYorickwhen fought as ours has beenupon principles of libertyand uponprinciplesof honourwhat is itbut the getting together of quiet andharmlesspeoplewith their swords in their handsto keep the ambitiousand theturbulent within bounds?   And heaven is my witnessbrotherShandythat thepleasure I have taken in these thingsand that infinite delightinparticularwhich has attended my sieges in my bowling-greenhasarosewithin meand I hope in the corporal toofrom the consciousness we bothhadthatin carrying them onwe were answering the great ends of ourcreation.

 ChapterXXXIII.

I told theChristian readerI say Christianhoping he is oneand if heis notIam sorry for itand only beg he will consider the matter withhimselfand not lay the blame entirely upon this book

I toldhimSirfor in good truthwhen a man is telling a story in thestrangeway I do minehe is obliged continually to be going backwards andforwardsto keep all tight together in the reader's fancywhichfor myown partif I did not take heed to do more than at firstthere is so muchunfixedand equivocal matter starting upwith so many breaks and gaps initand solittle service do the stars affordwhichneverthelessI hangup in someof the darkest passagesknowing that the world is apt to loseits waywith all the lights the sun itself at noon-day can give itandnow youseeI am lost myself!

But 'tismy father's fault; and whenever my brains come to be dissectedyou willperceivewithout spectaclesthat he has left a large uneventhreadasyou sometimes see in an unsaleable piece of cambrickrunningalong thewhole length of the weband so untowardlyyou cannot so much ascut out a.. .[here I hang up a couple of lights again] or a filletorathumb-stallbut it is seen or felt.

Quanto iddiligentias in liberis procreandis cavendumsayeth Cardan.   Allwhichbeing consideredand that you see 'tis morally impracticable for meto windthis round to where I set out

I beginthe chapter over again.

 ChapterXXXIV.

I told theChristian reader in the beginning of the chapter which precededmy uncleToby's apologetical orationthough in a different trope fromwhat Ishould make use of nowThat the peace of Utrecht was within an aceofcreating the same shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and his hobby-horseasit didbetwixt the queen and the rest of the confederating powers.

There isan indignant way in which a man sometimes dismounts his horsewhichasgood as says to him'I'll go afootSirall the days of my lifebefore Iwould ride a single mile upon your back again. '  Now my uncleTobycould notbe said to dismount his horse in this manner; for in strictnessoflanguagehe could not be said to dismount his horse at allhis horseratherflung himand somewhat viciouslywhich made my uncle Toby take itten timesmore unkindly.   Let this matter be settled by state-jockies astheylike. It createdI saya sort of shyness betwixt my uncle Toby andhishobby-horse. He had no occasion for him from the month of March toNovemberwhich was the summer after the articles were signedexcept itwas nowand then to take a short ride outjust to see that thefortificationsand harbour of Dunkirk were demolishedaccording tostipulation.

The Frenchwere so backwards all that summer in setting about that affairandMonsieur Tugghethe deputy from the magistrates of Dunkirkpresentedso manyaffecting petitions to the queenbeseeching her majesty to causeonly herthunderbolts to fall upon the martial workswhich might haveincurredher displeasurebut to spareto spare the molefor the mole'ssake;whichin its naked situationcould be no more than an object ofpityandthe queen [who was but a woman] being of a pitiful dispositionand herministers alsothey not wishing in their hearts to have the towndismantledfor these private reasons. . . . . . ; so that the whole wentheavily onwith my uncle Toby; insomuchthat it was not within three fullmonthsafter he and the corporal had constructed the townand put it in aconditionto be destroyedthat the several commandantscommissariesdeputiesnegociatorsand intendantswould permit him to set about it.Fatalinterval of inactivity!

Thecorporal was for beginning the demolitionby making a breach in therampartsor main fortifications of the townNothat will never docorporalsaid my uncle Tobyfor in going that way to work with the towntheEnglish garrison will not be safe in it an hour; because if theFrencharetreacherousThey are as treacherous as devilsan' please your honoursaid thecorporalIt gives me concern always when I hear itTrimsaid myuncleToby; for they don't want personal bravery; and if a breach is madein therampartsthey may enter itand make themselves masters of theplace whenthey please: Let them enter itsaid the corporallifting uphispioneer's spade in both his handsas if he was going to lay abouthimwithitlet them enteran' please your honourif they dare. In caseslike thiscorporalsaid my uncle Tobyslipping his right hand down tothe middleof his caneand holding it afterwards truncheon-wise with hisfore-fingerextended'tis no part of the consideration of a commandantwhat theenemy dareor what they dare not do; he must act with prudence.

We willbegin with the outworks both towards the sea and the landandparticularlywith fort Louisthe most distant of them alland demolish itfirstandthe restone by oneboth on our right and leftas we retreattowardsthe town; then we'll demolish the molenext fill up theharbourthenretire into the citadeland blow it up into the air:   andhavingdone thatcorporalwe'll embark for England. We are therequoththecorporalrecollecting himselfVery truesaid my uncle Tobylookingat thechurch.

 ChapterXXXV.

Adelusivedelicious consultation or two of this kindbetwixt myuncleToby andTrimupon the demolition of Dunkirkfor a moment rallied backthe ideasof those pleasureswhich were slipping from under him: stillstill allwent on heavilythe magic left the mind the weakerStillnesswithSilence at her backentered the solitary parlourand drew theirgauzymantle over my uncle Toby's head; and Listlessnesswith her laxfibre andundirected eyesat quietly down beside him in his arm-chair. NolongerAmberg and Rhinbergand Limbourgand Huyand Bonnin one yearand theprospect of Landenand Trerebachand Drusenand Dendermondthenexthurriedon the blood: No longer did sapsand minesand blindsandgabionsand palisadoeskeep out this fair enemy of man's repose: Nomore couldmy uncle Tobyafter passing the French linesas he eat his eggat supperfrom thence break into the heart of Francecross over theOyesandwith all Picardie open behind himmarch up to the gates ofParisandfall asleep with nothing but ideas of glory: No more was he todreamhehad fixed the royal standard upon the tower of the Bastileandawake withit streaming in his head.

Softervisionsgentler vibrations stole sweetly in upon his slumbers;thetrumpet of war fell out of his handshe took up the lutesweetinstrument!of all others the most delicate! the most difficult! how wiltthou touchitmy dear uncle Toby?

 ChapterXXXVI.

Nowbecause I have once or twice saidin my inconsiderate way oftalkingThat I wasconfident the following memoirs of my uncle Toby's courtship ofwidowWadmanwhenever I got time to write themwould turn out one of themostcomplete systemsboth of the elementary and practical part of loveandlove-makingthat ever was addressed to the worldare you to imaginefromthencethat I shall set out with a description of what love is?whetherpart God and part Devilas Plotinus will have it

Or by amore critical equationand supposing the whole of love to be astentodetermine with Ficinus'How many parts of itthe oneand howmany theother; 'or whether it is all of it one great Devilfrom head totailasPlato has taken upon him to pronounce; concerning which conceit ofhisIshall not offer my opinion: but my opinion of Plato is this; thatheappearsfrom this instanceto have been a man of much the sametemperand way ofreasoning with doctor Baynyardwho being a great enemy toblistersas imagining that half a dozen of 'em at oncewould draw a manas surelyto his graveas a herse and sixrashly concludedthat theDevilhimself was nothing in the worldbut one great bouncingCantharidis.

I havenothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous libertyinarguingbut what Nazianzen cried out [that ispolemically] toPhilagrius

' [Greek] ! 'O rare! 'tis fine reasoningSir indeed! ' [Greek] ' and mostnobly doyou aim at truthwhen you philosophize about it in your moods andpassions.

Nor is itto be imaginedfor the same reasonI should stop to inquirewhetherlove is a diseaseor embroil myself with Rhasis and Dioscorideswhetherthe seat of it is in the brain or liver; because this would leadme ontoan examination of the two very opposite mannersin whichpatientshave been treatedthe oneof Aoetiuswho always begun with acoolingclyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers; and followed on withthinpotations of water-lilies and purslaneto which he added a pinch ofsnuffofthe herb Hanea; and where Aoetius durst venture ithis topaz-ring.

The otherthat of Gordoniuswho [in his cap. 15. de Amore] directs theyshould bethrashed'ad putorem usque'till they stink again.

These aredisquisitions which my fatherwho had laid in a great stock ofknowledgeof this kindwill be very busy with in the progress of my uncleToby'saffairs:   I must anticipate thus muchThat from his theories oflove[with whichby the wayhe contrived to crucify my uncle Toby'smindalmost as much as his amours themselves] he took a single step intopractice; andby means of a camphorated cereclothwhich he found means toimposeupon the taylor for buckramwhilst he was making my uncle Toby anew pairof breecheshe produced Gordonius's effect upon my uncle Tobywithoutthe disgrace.

Whatchanges this producedwill be read in its proper place:   allthat isneedful tobe added to the anecdoteis thisThat whatever effect it hadupon myuncle Tobyit had a vile effect upon the house; and if my uncleToby hadnot smoaked it down as he didit might have had a vile effectupon myfather too.

 ChapterXXXVII.

'Twillcome out of itself by and bye. All I contend for isthat I amnotobliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so long asIcan go onwith my story intelligiblywith the help of the word itselfwithoutany other idea to itthan what I have in common with the rest ofthe worldwhy should I differ from it a moment before the time? When Ican get onno furtherand find myself entangled on all sides of thismysticlabyrinthmy Opinion will then come inin courseand lead meout.

AtpresentI hope I shall be sufficiently understoodin telling thereadermyuncle Toby fell in love:

Not thatthe phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is fallen inloveorthat he is deeply in loveor up to the ears in loveandsometimeseven over head and ears in itcarries an idiomatical kind ofimplicationthat love is a thing below a man: this is recurring again toPlato'sopinionwhichwith all his divinityshipI hold to be damnableandheretical: and so much for that.

Let lovetherefore be what it willmy uncle Toby fell into it.

Andpossiblygentle readerwith such a temptationso wouldst thou:

For neverdid thy eyes beholdor thy concupiscence covet any thing in thisworldmore concupiscible than widow Wadman.

 ChapterXXXVIII.

Toconceive this rightcall for pen and inkhere's paper ready to yourhand. SitdownSirpaint her to your own mindas like your mistress asyou canasunlike your wife as your conscience will let you'tis all onetomeplease but your own fancy in it.

[blankpage]

Was everany thing in Nature so sweet! so exquisite!

ThendearSirhow could my uncle Toby resist it?

Thricehappy book! thou wilt have one pageat leastwithin thy coverswhichMalice will not blackenand which Ignorance cannot misrepresent.

 ChapterXXXIX.

AsSusannah was informed by an express from Mrs. Bridgetof my uncleToby'sfalling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happenedthecontents of which expressSusannah communicated to my mother thenextdayit hasjust given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle Toby'samours afortnight before their existence.

I have anarticle of news to tell youMr. Shandyquoth my motherwhichwillsurprise you greatly.

Now myfather was then holding one of his second beds of justiceand wasmusingwithin himself about the hardships of matrimonyas my mother brokesilence.

'Mybrother Toby' quoth she'is going to be married to Mrs. Wadman. '

Then hewill neverquoth my fatherbe able to lie diagonally in his bedagain aslong as he lives.

It was aconsuming vexation to my fatherthat my mother never asked themeaning ofa thing she did not understand.

That sheis not a woman of sciencemy father would sayis hermisfortunebutshe might ask a question.

My mothernever did. In shortshe went out of the world at last withoutknowingwhether it turned roundor stood still. My father had officiouslytold herabove a thousand times which way it wasbut she always forgot.

For thesereasonsa discourse seldom went on much further betwixt themthan apropositiona replyand a rejoinder; at the end of whichitgenerallytook breath for a few minutes [as in the affair of the breeches]and thenwent on again.

If hemarries'twill be the worse for usquoth my mother.

Not acherry-stonesaid my fatherhe may as well batter away his meansupon thatas any thing else

To besuresaid my mother:   so here ended the propositionthe replyand therejoinderI told you of.

It will besome amusement to himtoosaid my father.

A verygreat oneanswered my motherif he should have children.

Lord havemercy upon mesaid my father to himself. . . .

 ChapterXL.

I am nowbeginning to get fairly into my work; and by the help of avegetabledietwith a few of the cold seedsI make no doubt but I shallbe able togo on with my uncle Toby's storyand my ownin a tolerablestraightline.   Now

These werethe four lines I moved in through my firstsecondthirdandfourthvolumes [Alluding to the first edition. ] In the fifth volume I havebeen verygoodthe precise line I have described in it being this:

By whichit appearsthat except at the curvemarked A. where I took atrip toNavarreand the indented curve B. which is the short airing whenI wasthere with the Lady Baussiere and her pageI have not taken theleastfrisk of a digressiontill John de la Casse's devils led me theround yousee marked D. for as for C C C C C they are nothing butparenthesesand the common ins and outs incident to the lives of thegreatestministers of state; and when compared with what men have doneorwith myown transgressions at the letters ABDthey vanish into nothing.

In thislast volume I have done better stillfor from the end of LeFever'sepisodeto the beginning of my uncle Toby's campaignsI havescarcestepped a yard out of my way.

If I mendat this rateit is not impossibleby the good leave of hisgrace ofBenevento's devilsbut I may arrive hereafter at the excellencyof goingon even thus:

[straightline across the page]

which is aline drawn as straight as I could draw itby a writing-master'sruler[borrowed for that purpose]turning neither to the right hand or tothe left.

This rightlinethe path-way for Christians to walk in! say divines

The emblemof moral rectitude! says Cicero

The bestline! say cabbage plantersis the shortest linesaysArchimedeswhich can be drawn from one given point to another.

I wishyour ladyships would lay this matter to heartin your next birth-day suits!

What ajourney!

Pray canyou tell methat iswithout angerbefore I write my chapteruponstraight linesby what mistakewho told them soor how it has cometo passthat your men of wit and genius have all along confounded thislinewiththe line of Gravitation.

 VOL.VII

 ChapterI.

No IthinkI saidI would write two volumes every yearprovided thevile coughwhich then tormented meand which to this hour I dread worsethan thedevilwould but give me leaveand in another place [but whereI can'trecollect now] speaking of my book as a machineand laying my penand rulerdown cross-wise upon the tablein order to gain the greatercredit toitI swore it should be kept a going at that rate these fortyyearsifit pleased but the fountain of life to bless me so long withhealth andgood spirits.

Now as formy spiritslittle have I to lay to their chargenay so verylittle[unless the mounting me upon a long stick and playing the fool withmenineteen hours out of the twenty-fourbe accusations] that on thecontraryI have muchmuch to thank 'em for:   cheerily have ye made metread thepath of life with all the burthens of it [except its cares] uponmy back;in no one moment of my existencethat I rememberhave ye oncedesertedmeor tinged the objects which came in my wayeither with sableor with asickly green; in dangers ye gilded my horizon with hopeand whenDeathhimself knocked at my doorye bad him come again; and in so gay atone ofcareless indifferencedid ye do itthat he doubted of hiscommission

'Theremust certainly be some mistake in this matter' quoth he.

Now thereis nothing in this world I abominate worsethan to beinterruptedin a storyand I was that moment telling Eugenius a mosttawdry onein my wayof a nun who fancied herself a shell-fishand of amonkdamn'd for eating a muscleand was shewing him the grounds andjustice ofthe procedure

'Did everso grave a personage get into so vile a scrape? ' quoth Death.

Thou hasthad a narrow escapeTristramsaid Eugeniustaking hold of myhand as Ifinished my story

But thereis no livingEugeniusreplied Iat this rate; for as this sonof a whorehas found out my lodgings

You callhim rightlysaid Eugeniusfor by sinwe are toldhe enter'dthe worldIcare not which way he enter'dquoth Iprovided he be not insuch ahurry to take me out with himfor I have forty volumes to writeand fortythousand things to say and do which no body in the world will sayand do formeexcept thyself; and as thou seest he has got me by thethroat[for Eugenius could scarce hear me speak across the table]and thatI am nomatch for him in the open fieldhad I not betterwhilst these fewscatter'dspirits remainand these two spider legs of mine [holding one ofthem up tohim] are able to support mehad I not betterEugeniusfly formy life?  'Tis my advicemy dear Tristramsaid EugeniusThen by heaven!I willlead him a dance he little thinks offor I will gallopquoth Iwithoutlooking once behind meto the banks of the Garonne; and if I hearhimclattering at my heelsI'll scamper away to mount Vesuviusfromthence toJoppaand from Joppa to the world's end; whereif he followsmeI prayGod he may break his neck

He runsmore risk theresaid Eugeniusthan thou.

Eugenius'swit and affection brought blood into the cheek from whence ithad beensome months banish'd'twas a vile moment to bid adieu in; he ledme to mychaiseAllons! said I; the post-boy gave a crack with his whipoff I wentlike a cannonand in half a dozen bounds got into Dover.

 ChapterII.

Now hangit! quoth Ias I look'd towards the French coasta man shouldknowsomething of his own country toobefore he goes abroadand I nevergave apeep into Rochester churchor took notice of the dock of Chathamor visitedSt. Thomas at Canterburythough they all three laid in my way

But mineindeedis a particular case

So withoutarguing the matter further with Thomas o'Becketor any oneelseIskip'd into the boatand in five minutes we got under sailandscuddedaway like the wind.

Praycaptainquoth Ias I was going down into the cabinis a man neverovertakenby Death in this passage?

Whythereis not time for a man to be sick in itreplied heWhat acursedlyar! for I am sick as a horsequoth Ialreadywhat a brain!upsidedown! hey-day! the cells are broke loose one into anotherand thebloodandthe lymphand the nervous juiceswith the fix'd and volatilesaltsareall jumbled into one massgood G. . ! every thing turns round init like athousand whirlpoolsI'd give a shilling to know if I shan'twrite theclearer for it

Sick!sick! sick! sick!

When shallwe get to land? captainthey have hearts like stonesO I amdeadlysick! reach me that thingboy'tis the most discomfitingsicknessIwish I was at the bottomMadam! how is it with you?   Undone!undone!un. . . O! undone! sirWhat the first time? No'tis the secondthirdsixthtenth timesirhey-day! what a trampling over head!hollo!cabin boy! what's the matter?

The windchopp'd about! s'Deaththen I shall meet him full in the face.

Whatluck! 'tis chopp'd about againmasterO the devil chop it

Captainquoth shefor heaven's sakelet us get ashore.

 ChapterIII.

It is agreat inconvenience to a man in a hastethat there are threedistinctroads between Calais and Parisin behalf of which there is somuch to besaid by the several deputies from the towns which lie alongthemthathalf a day is easily lost in settling which you'll take.

Firsttheroad by Lisle and Arraswhich is the most aboutbut mostinterestingand instructing.

Thesecondthat by Amienswhich you may goif you would see Chantilly

And thatby Beauvaiswhich you may goif you will.

For thisreason a great many chuse to go by Beauvais.

 ChapterIV.

'Nowbefore I quit Calais' a travel-writer would say'it would not beamiss togive some account of it. 'Now I think it very much amissthat aman cannotgo quietly through a town and let it alonewhen it does notmeddlewith himbut that he must be turning about and drawing his pen ateverykennel he crosses overmerely o' my conscience for the sake ofdrawingit; becauseif we may judge from what has been wrote of thesethingsbyall who have wrote and gallop'dor who have gallop'd and wrotewhich is adifferent way still; or whofor more expedition than the resthave wrotegallopingwhich is the way I do at presentfrom the greatAddisonwho did it with his satchel of school books hanging at his a. . .andgalling his beast's crupper at every strokethere is not a gallopperof us allwho might not have gone on ambling quietly in his own ground [incase hehad any]and have wrote all he had to writedry-shodas well asnot.

For my ownpartas heaven is my judgeand to which I shall ever make mylastappealI know no more of Calais [except the little my barber told meof it ashe was whetting his razor] than I do this moment of Grand Cairo;for it wasdusky in the evening when I landedand dark as pitch in themorningwhen I set outand yet by merely knowing what is whatand bydrawingthis from that in one part of the townand by spelling and puttingthis andthat together in anotherI would lay any travelling oddsthat Ithismoment write a chapter upon Calais as long as my arm; and with sodistinctand satisfactory a detail of every itemwhich is worth astranger'scuriosity in the townthat you would take me for the town-clerkof Calaisitselfand wheresirwould be the wonder? was not Democrituswholaughed ten times more than Itown-clerk of Abdera? and was not [Iforget hisname] who had more discretion than us bothtown-clerk ofEphesus? itshould be penn'd moreoversirwith so much knowledge andgoodsenseand truthand precision

Nay if youdon't believe meyou may read the chapter for your pains.

 ChapterV.

CalaisCalatiumCalusiumCalesium.

This townif we may trust its archivesthe authority of which I see noreason tocall in question in this placewas once no more than a smallvillagebelonging to one of the first Counts de Guignes; and as it boastsat presentof no less than fourteen thousand inhabitantsexclusive of fourhundredand twenty distinct families in the basse villeor suburbsitmust havegrown up by little and littleI supposeto its present size.

Thoughthere are four conventsthere is but one parochial church in thewholetown; I had not an opportunity of taking its exact dimensionsbut itis prettyeasy to make a tolerable conjecture of 'emfor as there arefourteenthousand inhabitants in the townif the church holds them all itmust beconsiderably largeand if it will not'tis a very great pity theyhave notanotherit is built in form of a crossand dedicated to theVirginMary; the steeplewhich has a spire to itis placed in the middleof thechurchand stands upon four pillars elegant and light enoughbutsufficientlystrong at the same timeit is decorated with eleven altarsmost ofwhich are rather fine than beautiful.   The great altar is amaster-piece inits kind; 'tis of white marbleandas I was toldnear sixtyfeethighhad it been much higherit had been as high as mount CalvaryitselfthereforeI suppose it must be high enough in all conscience.

There wasnothing struck me more than the great Square; tho' I cannot say'tiseither well paved or well built; but 'tis in the heart of the townand mostof the streetsespecially those in that quarterall terminate init; couldthere have been a fountain in all Calaiswhich it seems therecannotassuch an object would have been a great ornamentit is not to bedoubtedbut that the inhabitants would have had it in the very centre ofthissquarenot that it is properly a squarebecause 'tis forty feetlongerfrom east to westthan from north to south; so that the French ingeneralhave more reason on their side in calling them Places than Squareswhichstrictly speakingto be surethey are not.

Thetown-house seems to be but a sorry buildingand not to be kept inthebestrepair; otherwise it had been a second great ornament to this place;it answershowever its destinationand serves very well for the receptionof themagistrateswho assemble in it from time to time; so that 'tispresumablejustice is regularly distributed.

I haveheard much of itbut there is nothing at all curious in theCourgain;'tis a distinct quarter of the towninhabited solely by sailorsandfishermen; it consists of a number of small streetsneatly built andmostly ofbrick; 'tis extremely populousbut as that may be accounted forfrom theprinciples of their dietthere is nothing curious in thatneither. Atraveller may see it to satisfy himselfhe must not omithowevertaking notice of la Tour de Guetupon any account; 'tis so calledfrom itsparticular destinationbecause in war it serves to discover andgivenotice of the enemies which approach the placeeither by sea orland; but'tis monstrous highand catches the eye so continuallyyoucannotavoid taking notice of it if you would.

It was asingular disappointment to methat I could not have permission totake anexact survey of the fortificationswhich are the strongest in theworldandwhichfrom first to lastthat isfor the time they were setabout byPhilip of FranceCount of Bologneto the present warwhereinmanyreparations were madehave cost [as I learned afterwards from anengineerin Gascony] above a hundred millions of livres.   It is veryremarkablethat at the Tete de Gravelenesand where the town is naturallytheweakestthey have expended the most money; so that the outworksstretch agreat way into the campaignand consequently occupy a largetract ofgroundHoweverafter all that is said and doneit must beacknowledgedthat Calais was never upon any account so considerable fromitselfasfrom its situationand that easy entrance which it gave ourancestorsupon all occasionsinto France: it was not without itsinconveniencesalso; being no less troublesome to the English in thosetimesthan Dunkirk has been to usin ours; so that it was deservedlylookedupon as the key to both kingdomswhich no doubt is the reason thatthere havearisen so many contentions who should keep it:   of thesethesiege ofCalaisor rather the blockade [for it was shut up both by landand sea]was the most memorableas it with-stood the efforts of Edwardthe Thirda whole yearand was not terminated at last but by famine andextrememisery; the gallantry of Eustace de St. Pierrewho first offeredhimself avictim for his fellow-citizenshas rank'd his name with heroes.

As it willnot take up above fifty pagesit would be injustice to thereadernot to give him a minute account of that romantic transactionaswell as ofthe siege itselfin Rapin's own words:

 ChapterVI.

Butcourage! gentle reader! I scorn it'tis enough to have thee in mypowerbutto make use of the advantage which the fortune of the pen hasnow gainedover theewould be too muchNo! by that all-powerful firewhichwarms the visionary brainand lights the spirits through unworldlytracts!ere I would force a helpless creature upon this hard serviceandmake theepaypoor soul! for fifty pageswhich I have no right to selltheenakedas I amI would browse upon the mountainsand smile that thenorth windbrought me neither my tent or my supper.

So put onmy brave boy! and make the best of thy way to Boulogne.

 ChapterVII.

Boulogne! hah! sowe are all got togetherdebtors and sinners beforeheaven; ajolly set of usbut I can't stay and quaff it off with youI'mpursuedmyself like a hundred devilsand shall be overtakenbefore I canwellchange horses: for heaven's sakemake haste'Tis for high-treasonquoth avery little manwhispering as low as he could to a very tall manthat stoodnext himOr else for murder; quoth the tall manWell thrownSize-ace!quoth I.   No; quoth a thirdthe gentleman has been committing

A! machere fille! said Ias she tripp'd by from her matinsyou look asrosy asthe morning [for the sun was risingand it made the compliment themoregracious] No; it can't be thatquoth a fourth [she made a curt'syto meIkiss'd my hand] 'tis debtcontinued he: 'Tis certainly for debt;quoth afifth; I would not pay that gentleman's debtsquoth Acefor athousandpounds; nor would Iquoth Sizefor six times the sumWellthrownSize-aceagain! quoth I; but I have no debt but the debt ofNatureand I want but patience of herand I will pay her every farthing Iowe herHowcan you be so hard-heartedMadamto arrest a poor travellergoingalong without molestation to any one upon his lawful occasions? dostop thatdeath-lookinglong-striding scoundrel of a scare-sinnerwho ispostingafter mehe never would have followed me but for youif it be butfor astage or twojust to give me start of himI beseech youmadamdodear lady

Nowintroth'tis a great pityquoth mine Irish hostthat all thisgoodcourtship should be lost; for the young gentlewoman has been aftergoing outof hearing of it all along.

Simpleton!quoth I.

So youhave nothing else in Boulogne worth seeing?

By Jasus!there is the finest Seminary for the Humanities

Therecannot be a finer; quoth I.

 ChapterVIII.

When theprecipitancy of a man's wishes hurries on his ideas ninety timesfasterthan the vehicle he rides inwoe be to truth! and woe be to thevehicleand its tackling [let 'em be made of what stuff you will] uponwhich hebreathes forth the disappointment of his soul!

As I nevergive general characters either of men or things in choler'themost hastethe worse speed' was all the reflection I made upon the affairthe firsttime it happen'd; the secondthirdfourthand fifth timeIconfinedit respectively to those timesand accordingly blamed only thesecondthirdfourthand fifth post-boy for itwithout carrying myreflectionsfurther; but the event continuing to befal me from the fifthto thesixthseventheighthninthand tenth timeand without oneexceptionI then could not avoid making a national reflection of itwhichI do inthese words;

Thatsomething is always wrong in a French post-chaiseupon first settingout.

Or theproposition may stand thus:

A Frenchpostilion has always to alight before he has got three hundredyards outof town.

What'swrong now? Diable! a rope's broke! a knot has slipt! a staple'sdrawn! abolt's to whittle! a taga raga jaga strapa buckleor abuckle'stonguewant altering.

Now trueas all this isI never think myself impowered to excommunicatethereuponeither the post-chaiseor its drivernor do I take it into myhead toswear by the living G. .I would rather go a-foot ten thousandtimesorthat I will be damn'dif ever I get into anotherbut I take themattercoolly before meand considerthat some tagor ragor jagorboltorbuckleor buckle's tonguewill ever be a wanting or wantalteringtravel where I willso I never chaffbut take the good and thebad asthey fall in my roadand get on: Do somy lad! said I; he hadlost fiveminutes alreadyin alighting in order to get at a luncheon ofblackbreadwhich he had cramm'd into the chaise-pocketand wasremountedand going leisurely onto relish it the better. Get onmyladsaidIbrisklybut in the most persuasive tone imaginablefor Ijingled afour-and-twenty sous piece against the glasstaking care to holdthe flatside towards himas he look'd back:   the dog grinn'dintelligencefrom hisright ear to his leftand behind his sooty muzzle discovered sucha pearlyrow of teeththat Sovereignty would have pawn'd her jewels forthem.

Justheaven!   What masticators! /What bread!

and so ashe finished the last mouthful of itwe entered the town ofMontreuil.

 ChapterIX.

There isnot a town in all France whichin my opinionlooks better in themapthanMontreuil; I ownit does not look so well in the book of post-roads; butwhen you come to see itto be sure it looks most pitifully.

There isone thinghoweverin it at present very handsome; and that istheinn-keeper's daughter:   She has been eighteen months at Amiensand sixat Parisin going through her classes; so knitsand sewsand dancesanddoes thelittle coquetries very well.

A slut! inrunning them over within these five minutes that I have stoodlooking athershe has let fall at least a dozen loops in a white threadstockingyesyesI seeyou cunning gipsy! 'tis long and taperyouneed notpin it to your kneeand that 'tis your ownand fits youexactly.

ThatNature should have told this creature a word about a statue's thumb!

But asthis sample is worth all their thumbsbesidesI have her thumbsandfingers in at the bargainif they can be any guide to meand asJanatonewithal [for that is her name] stands so well for a drawingmay Inever drawmoreor rather may I draw like a draught-horseby mainstrengthall the days of my lifeif I do not draw her in all herproportionsand with as determined a pencilas if I had her in thewettestdrapery.

But yourworships chuse rather that I give you the lengthbreadthandperpendicularheight of the great parish-churchor drawing of the facadeof theabbey of Saint Austreberte which has been transported from Artoishithereverything is just I suppose as the masons and carpenters leftthemandif the belief in Christ continues so longwill be so thesefiftyyears to comeso your worships and reverences may all measure themat yourleisuresbut he who measures theeJanatonemust do it nowthoucarriestthe principles of change within thy frame; and considering thechances ofa transitory lifeI would not answer for thee a moment; eretwicetwelve months are passed and gonethou mayest grow out like apumpkinand lose thy shapesor thou mayest go off like a flowerand losethybeautynaythou mayest go off like a hussyand lose thyself. Iwould notanswer for my aunt Dinahwas she alive'faithscarce for herpicturewereit but painted by Reynolds.

But if Igo on with my drawingafter naming that son of ApolloI'll beshot

So youmust e'en be content with the original; whichif the evening isfine inpassing thro' Montreuilyou will see at your chaise-dooras youchangehorses: but unless you have as bad a reason for haste as I haveyouhad betterstop: She has a little of the devote:   but thatsiris aterce to anine in your favour

-L. . . helpme!   I could not count a single point:   so had been piquedandrepiquedand capotted to the devil.

 ChapterX.

All whichbeing consideredand that Death moreover might be much nearer methan IimaginedI wish I was at Abbevillequoth Iwere it only to seehow theycard and spinso off we set.

[Vid. Bookof French post-roadspage 36. edition of 1762. ]deMontreuil a Nampont - poste et demide Namponta Bernay - postede Bernaya Nouvion - postede Nouviona Abbeville  postebut thecarders and spinners were all gone to bed.

 ChapterXI.

What avast advantage is travelling! only it heats one; but there is aremedy forthatwhich you may pick out of the next chapter.

 ChapterXII.

Was I in acondition to stipulate with Deathas I am this moment with myapothecaryhow and where I will take his clysterI should certainlydeclareagainst submitting to it before my friends; and therefore I neverseriouslythink upon the mode and manner of this great catastrophewhichgenerallytakes up and torments my thoughts as much as the catastropheitself;but I constantly draw the curtain across it with this wishthattheDisposer of all things may so order itthat it happen not to me inmyownhousebut rather in some decent innat homeI know itthe concernof myfriendsand the last services of wiping my browsand smoothing mypillowwhich the quivering hand of pale affection shall pay mewill socrucify mysoulthat I shall die of a distemper which my physician is notaware of:  but in an innthe few cold offices I wantedwould be purchasedwith a fewguineasand paid me with an undisturbedbut punctualattentionbutmark.   This inn should not be the inn at Abbevilleif therewas notanother inn in the universeI would strike that inn out of thecapitulation:so

Let thehorses be in the chaise exactly by four in the morningYesbyfourSiror by Genevieve! I'll raise a clatter in the house shall wakethe dead.

 ChapterXIII.

'Make themlike unto a wheel' is a bitter sarcasmas all the learnedknowagainst the grand tourand that restless spirit for making itwhichDavidprophetically foresaw would haunt the children of men in the latterdays; andthereforeas thinketh the great bishop Hall'tis one of theseverestimprecations which David ever utter'd against the enemies of theLordandas if he had said'I wish them no worse luck than always to berollingabout. 'So much motioncontinues he [for he was very corpulent]is so muchunquietness; and so much of restby the same analogyis somuch ofheaven.

NowI[being very thin] think differently; and that so much of motionisso much oflifeand so much of joyand that to stand stillor get on butslowlyisdeath and the devil

Hollo!  Ho! the whole world's asleep! bring out the horsesgrease thewheelstieon the mailand drive a nail into that mouldingI'll not losea moment

Now thewheel we are talking ofand whereinto [but not whereontofor thatwould makean Ixion's wheel of it] he curseth his enemiesaccording to thebishop'shabit of bodyshould certainly be a post-chaise wheelwhetherthey wereset up in Palestine at that time or notand my wheelfor thecontraryreasonsmust as certainly be a cart-wheel groaning round itsrevolutiononce in an age; and of which sortwere I to turn commentatorIshouldmake no scruple to affirmthey had great store in that hillycountry.

I love thePythagoreans [much more than ever I dare tell my dear Jenny] fortheir' [Greek] ' [their] 'getting out of the bodyin order to think well. '

No manthinks rightwhilst he is in it; blinded as he must bewith hiscongenialhumoursand drawn differently asideas the bishop and myselfhave beenwith too lax or too tense a fibreReason ishalf of itSense;and themeasure of heaven itself is but the measure of our presentappetitesand concoctions.

But whichof the twoin the present casedo you think to be mostly inthe wrong?

Youcertainly:   quoth sheto disturb a whole family so early.

 ChapterXIV.

But shedid not know I was under a vow not to shave my beard till I gottoParis; yet I hate to make mysteries of nothing; 'tis the coldcautiousnessof one of those little souls from which Lessius [lib. 13. demoribusdiviniscap. 24. ] hath made his estimatewherein he settethforthThat one Dutch milecubically multipliedwill allow room enoughand tosparefor eight hundred thousand millionswhich he supposes to beas great anumber of souls [counting from the fall of Adam] as can possiblybe damn'dto the end of the world.

From whathe has made this second estimateunless from the parentalgoodnessof GodI don't knowI am much more at a loss what could be inFranciscusRibbera's headwho pretends that no less a space than one oftwohundred Italian miles multiplied into itselfwill be sufficient tohold thelike numberhe certainly must have gone upon some of the oldRomansoulsof which he had readwithout reflecting how muchby agradualand most tabid declinein the course of eighteen hundred yearsthey mustunavoidably have shrunk so as to have comewhen he wrotealmosttonothing.

InLessius's timewho seems the cooler manthey were as little as canbeimagined

We findthem less now

And nextwinter we shall find them less again; so that if we go on fromlittle tolessand from less to nothingI hesitate not one moment toaffirmthat in half a century at this ratewe shall have no souls at all;whichbeing the period beyond which I doubt likewise of the existence oftheChristian faith'twill be one advantage that both of 'em will beexactlyworn out together.

BlessedJupiter! and blessed every other heathen god and goddess! for nowye willall come into play againand with Priapus at your tailswhatjovialtimes! but where am I? and into what a delicious riot of things amI rushing?  II who must be cut short in the midst of my daysand tasteno more of'em than what I borrow from my imaginationpeace to theegenerousfool! and let me go on.

 ChapterXV.

'SohatingI sayto make mysteries of nothing'I intrusted it with thepost-boyas soon as ever I got off the stones; he gave a crack with hiswhip tobalance the compliment; and with the thill-horse trottingand asort of anup and a down of the otherwe danced it along to Ailly auclochersfamed in days of yore for the finest chimes in the world; but wedancedthrough it without musicthe chimes being greatly out of order [asin truththey were through all France] .

And somaking all possible speedfrom

Ailly auclochersI got to HixcourtfromHixcourt I got to PequignayandfromPequignayI got to Amiensconcerningwhich town I have nothing to inform youbut what I haveinformedyou once beforeand that wasthat Janatone went there to school.

 ChapterXVI.

In thewhole catalogue of those whiffling vexations which come puffingacross aman's canvassthere is not one of a more teasing and tormentingnaturethan this particular one which I am going to describeand forwhich[unless you travel with an avance-courierwhich numbers do in orderto preventit] there is no help:   and it is this.

That beyou in never so kindly a propensity to sleepthough you arepassingperhaps through the finest countryupon the best roadsand in theeasiestcarriage for doing it in the worldnaywas you sure you couldsleepfifty miles straight forwardswithout once opening your eyesnaywhat ismorewas you as demonstratively satisfied as you can be of anytruth inEuclidthat you should upon all accounts be full as well asleepasawakenayperhaps betterYet the incessant returns of paying for thehorses atevery stagewith the necessity thereupon of putting your handinto yourpocketand counting out from thence three livres fifteen sous[sous bysous]puts an end to so much of the projectthat you cannotexecuteabove six miles of it [or supposing it is a post and a halfthatis butnine] were it to save your soul from destruction.

I'll beeven with 'emquoth Ifor I'll put the precise sum into a pieceof paperand hold it ready in my hand all the way:   'Now I shall havenothing todo' said I [composing myself to rest]'but to drop this gentlyinto thepost-boy's hatand not say a word. 'Then there wants two sousmore todrinkor there is a twelve sous piece of Louis XIV. which will notpassor alivre and some odd liards to be brought over from the laststagewhich Monsieur had forgot; which altercations [as a man cannotdisputevery well asleep] rouse him:   still is sweet sleep retrievable;andstillmight the flesh weigh down the spiritand recover itself of theseblowsbutthenby heaven! you have paid but for a single postwhereas'tis apost and a half; and this obliges you to pull out your book of post-roadstheprint of which is so very smallit forces you to open youreyeswhether you will or no:   Then Monsieur le Cure offers you apinch ofsnuffor apoor soldier shews you his legor a shaveling his boxor thepriestesseof the cistern will water your wheelsthey do not want itbutshe swearsby her priesthood [throwing it back] that they do: then youhave allthese points to argueor consider over in your mind; in doing ofwhichtherational powers get so thoroughly awakenedyou may get 'em tosleepagain as you can.

It wasentirely owing to one of these misfortunesor I had pass'd clean bythestables of Chantilly

But thepostillion first affirmingand then persisting in it to my facethat therewas no mark upon the two sous pieceI open'd my eyes to beconvincedand seeing the mark upon it as plain as my noseI leap'd outof thechaise in a passionand so saw every thing at Chantilly in spite.I tried itbut for three posts and a halfbut believe 'tis the bestprinciplein the world to travel speedily upon; for as few objects lookveryinviting in that moodyou have little or nothing to stop you; bywhichmeans it was that I passed through St. Denniswithout turning myhead somuch as on one side towards the Abby

Richnessof their treasury! stuff and nonsense! bating their jewelswhich areall falseI would not give three sous for any one thing in itbutJaidas's lanternnor for that eitheronly as it grows darkit mightbe of use.

 ChapterXVII.

Crackcrackcrackcrackcrackcrack so this is Paris! quoth I[continuingin the same mood] and this is Paris! humph! Paris! cried Irepeatingthe name the third time

The firstthe finestthe most brilliant

Thestreets however are nasty.

But itlooksI supposebetter than it smellscrackcrackcrackcrack--what afuss thou makest! as if it concerned the good people to beinformedthat a man with pale face and clad in blackhad the honour to bedriveninto Paris at nine o'clock at nightby a postillion in a tawnyyellowjerkinturned up with red calamancocrackcrackcrackcrackcrackcrackI wish thy whip

But 'tisthe spirit of thy nation; so crackcrack on.

Ha! and noone gives the wall! but in the School of Urbanity herselfifthe wallsare besh. . thow can you do otherwise?

Andprithee when do they light the lamps?   What? never in the summermonths! Ho!'tis the time of sallads. O rare! sallad and soupsoup andsalladsalladand soupencore

'Tis toomuch for sinners.

Now Icannot bear the barbarity of it; how can that unconscionable coachmantalk somuch bawdy to that lean horse? don't you seefriendthe streetsare sovillanously narrowthat there is not room in all Paris to turn awheelbarrow?  In the grandest city of the whole worldit would not havebeenamissif they had been left a thought wider; naywere it only somuch inevery single streetas that a man might know [was it only forsatisfaction]on which side of it he was walking.

Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten. Tencooksshops! andtwice the number of barbers! and all within three minutesdriving!one would think that all the cooks in the worldon some greatmerry-meetingwith the barbersby joint consent had saidComelet us allgo live atParis:   the French love good eatingthey are all gourmandsweshall rankhigh; if their god is their bellytheir cooks must begentlemen:  and forasmuch as the periwig maketh the manand the periwig-makermaketh the periwigergowould the barbers saywe shall rank higherstillweshall be above you allwe shall be Capitouls [Chief MagistrateinToulouse& c. & c. & c. ] at leastpardi! we shall all wearswords

And soone would swear[that isby candle-lightbut there is nodependingupon it] they continued to doto this day.

 ChapterXVIII.

The Frenchare certainly misunderstood: but whether the fault is theirsin notsufficiently explaining themselves; or speaking with that exactlimitationand precision which one would expect on a point of suchimportanceand whichmoreoveris so likely to be contested by usorwhetherthe fault may not be altogether on our sidein not understandingtheirlanguage always so critically as to know 'what they would be at'Ishall notdecide; but 'tis evident to mewhen they affirm'That they whohave seenParishave seen every thing' they must mean to speak of thosewho haveseen it by day-light.

As forcandle-lightI give it upI have said beforethere was nodependingupon itand I repeat it again; but not because the lights andshades aretoo sharpor the tints confoundedor that there is neitherbeauty orkeeping& c. . . . for that's not truthbut it is an uncertainlight inthis respectThat in all the five hundred grand Hotelswhichtheynumber up to you in Parisand the five hundred good thingsat amodestcomputation [for 'tis only allowing one good thing to a Hotel]which bycandle-light are best to be seenfeltheardand understood[whichbythe byeis a quotation from Lilly] the devil a one of us outof fiftycan get our heads fairly thrust in amongst them.

This is nopart of the French computation:   'tis simply this

That bythe last survey taken in the year one thousand seven hundred andsixteensince which time there have been considerable augmentationsParisdothcontain nine hundred streets; [viz]

In thequarter called the Citythere are fifty-three streets.In St.James of the Shamblesfifty-five streets.In St.Oportunethirty-four streets.In thequarter of the Louvretwenty-five streets.In thePalace Royalor St. Honoriusforty-nine streets.In Mont.Martyrforty-one streets.In St.Eustacetwenty-nine streets.In theHallestwenty-seven streets.In St.Dennisfifty-five streets.In St.Martinfifty-four streets.In St.Paulor the Mortellerietwenty-seven streets.The Grevethirty-eight streets.In St.Avoyor the Verrerienineteen streets.In theMaraisor the Templefifty-two streets.In St.Antony'ssixty-eight streets.In thePlace Mauberteighty-one streets.In St.Bennetsixty streets.In St.Andrews de Arcsfifty-one streets.In thequarter of the Luxembourgsixty-two streets.And inthat of St. Germainfifty-five streetsinto any of which you maywalk; andthat when you have seen them with all that belongs to themfairly byday-lighttheir gatestheir bridgestheir squarestheirstatues. .. and have crusaded it moreoverthrough all their parish-churchesby no means omitting St. Roche and Sulpice. . . and to crown allhave takena walk to the four palaceswhich you may seeeither with orwithoutthe statues and picturesjust as you chuse

Then youwill have seen

but 'tiswhat no one needeth to tell youfor you will read of ityourselfupon the portico of the Louvrein these words

Earth NoSuch Folks! No Folks E'er Such A TownAs ParisIs! SingDerryDerryDown.[Non orbisgentemnon urbem gens habet ullamullaparem. ]

The Frenchhave a gay way of treating every thing that is Great; and thatis all canbe said upon it.

 ChapterXIX.

Inmentioning the word gay [as in the close of the last chapter] it putsone [i. e.an author] in mind of the word spleenespecially if he has anything tosay upon it:   not that by any analysisor that from any table ofinterestor genealogythere appears much more ground of alliance betwixtthemthanbetwixt light and darknessor any two of the most unfriendlyoppositesin natureonly 'tis an undercraft of authors to keep up a goodunderstandingamongst wordsas politicians do amongst mennot knowing hownear theymay be under a necessity of placing them to each otherwhichpointbeing now gain'dand that I may place mine exactly to my mindIwrite itdown here

Spleen.

Thisuponleaving ChantillyI declared to be the best principle in theworld totravel speedily upon; but I gave it only as matter of opinion.  Istillcontinue in the same sentimentsonly I had not then experienceenough ofits working to add thisthat though you do get on at a tearingrateyetyou get on but uneasily to yourself at the same time; for whichreason Ihere quit it entirelyand for everand 'tis heartily at anyone'sserviceit has spoiled me the digestion of a good supperandbrought ona bilious diarrhoeawhich has brought me back again to my firstprincipleon which I set outand with which I shall now scamper it away tothe banksof the Garonne

No; Icannot stop a moment to give you the character of the peopletheirgeniustheir mannerstheir customstheir lawstheir religiontheirgovernmenttheir manufacturestheir commercetheir financeswithall theresources and hidden springs which sustain them: qualified as I maybebyspending three days and two nights amongst themand during all thattimemaking these things the entire subject of my enquiries andreflections

StillstillI must awaythe roads are pavedthe posts are shortthedays arelong'tis no more than noonI shall be at Fontainebleau beforethe king

Was hegoing there? not that I know

 ChapterXX.

Now I hateto hear a personespecially if he be a travellercomplain thatwe do notget on so fast in France as we do in England; whereas we get onmuchfasterconsideratis considerandis; thereby always meaningthat ifyou weightheir vehicles with the mountains of baggage which you lay bothbefore andbehind upon themand then consider their puny horseswith theverylittle they give them'tis a wonder they get on at all:   theirsufferingis most unchristianand 'tis evident thereupon to methat aFrenchpost-horse would not know what in the world to dowas it not forthe twowords . . . . . . and . . . . . . in which there is as much sustenanceas ifyou givehim a peck of corn:   now as these words cost nothingI longfrommy soul totell the reader what they are; but here is the questiontheymust betold him plainlyand with the most distinct articulationor itwillanswer no endand yet to do it in that plain waythough theirreverencesmay laugh at it in the bed-chamberfull well I wotthey willabuse itin the parlour:   for which causeI have been volving andrevolvingin my fancy some timebut to no purposeby what clean device orfacettecontrivance I might so modulate themthat whilst I satisfy thatear whichthe reader chuses to lend meI might not dissatisfy the otherwhich hekeeps to himself.

My inkburns my finger to tryand when I have'twill have a worseconsequenceItwill burn [I fear] my paper.

No; I darenot

But if youwish to know how the abbess of Andouillets and a novice of herconventgot over the difficulty [only first wishing myself all imaginablesuccess]I'll tell you without the least scruple.

 ChapterXXI.

The abbessof Andouilletswhich if you look into the large set ofprovincialmaps now publishing at Parisyou will find situated amongst thehillswhich divide Burgundy from Savoybeing in danger of an Anchylosis orstiffjoint [the sinovia of her knee becoming hard by long matins]andhavingtried every remedyfirstprayers and thanksgiving; theninvocationsto all the saints in heaven promiscuouslythen particularly toeverysaint who had ever had a stiff leg before herthen touching it withall thereliques of the conventprincipally with the thigh-bone of the manof Lystrawho had been impotent from his youththen wrapping it up in herveil whenshe went to bedthen cross-wise her rosarythen bringing in toher aidthe secular armand anointing it with oils and hot fat of animals--thentreating it with emollient and resolving fomentationsthen withpoulticesof marsh-mallowsmallowsbonus Henricuswhite lillies andfenugreekthentaking the woodsI mean the smoak of 'emholding herscapularyacross her lapthen decoctions of wild chicorywater-cresseschervilsweet cecily and cochleariaand nothing all this while answeringwasprevailed on at last to try the hot-baths of Bourbonso having firstobtainedleave of the visitor-general to take care of her existencesheorderedall to be got ready for her journey:   a novice of the convent ofaboutseventeenwho had been troubled with a whitloe in her middle fingerbysticking it constantly into the abbess's cast poultices& c. hadgainedsuch aninterestthat overlooking a sciatical old nunwho might have beenset up forever by the hot-baths of BourbonMargaritathe little novicewaselected as the companion of the journey.

An oldcaleshbelonging to the abbesselined with green frizewasordered tobe drawn out into the sunthe gardener of the convent beingchosenmuleteerled out the two old mulesto clip the hair from the rump-ends oftheir tailswhilst a couple of lay-sisters were busiedthe one indarningthe liningand the other in sewing on the shreds of yellowbindingwhich the teeth of time had unravelledthe under-gardener dress'dthemuleteer's hat in hot wine-leesand a taylor sat musically at itin ashedover-against the conventin assorting four dozen of bells for theharnesswhistling to each bellas he tied it on with a thong.

Thecarpenter and the smith of Andouillets held a council of wheels; andby seventhe morning afterall look'd spruceand was ready at the gateof theconvent for the hot-baths of Bourbontwo rows of the unfortunatestoodready there an hour before.

The abbessof Andouilletssupported by Margarita the noviceadvancedslowly tothe caleshboth clad in whitewith their black rosaries hangingat theirbreasts

There wasa simple solemnity in the contrast:   they entered the calesh;the nunsin the same uniformsweet emblem of innocenceeach occupied awindowand as the abbess and Margarita look'd upeach [the sciatical poornunexcepted] each stream'd out the end of her veil in the airthenkiss'd thelilly hand which let it go:   the good abbess and Margarita laidtheirhands saint-wise upon their breastslook'd up to heaventhen tothemandlook'd 'God bless youdear sisters. '

I declareI am interested in this storyand wish I had been there.

Thegardenerwhom I shall now call the muleteerwas a littleheartybroad-setgood-naturedchatteringtoping kind of a fellowwho troubledhis headvery little with the hows and whens of life; so had mortgaged amonth ofhis conventical wages in a borrachioor leathern cask of winewhich hehad disposed behind the caleshwith a large russet-colouredriding-coatover itto guard it from the sun; and as the weather was hotand he nota niggard of his labourswalking ten times more than he rodehe foundmore occasions than those of natureto fall back to the rear ofhiscarriage; till by frequent coming and goingit had so happen'dthatall hiswine had leak'd out at the legal vent of the borrachiobefore onehalf ofthe journey was finish'd.

Man is acreature born to habitudes.   The day had been sultrythe eveningwasdeliciousthe wine was generousthe Burgundian hill on which it grewwas steepalittle tempting bush over the door of a cool cottage at thefoot ofithung vibrating in full harmony with the passionsa gentle airrustleddistinctly through the leaves'Comecomethirsty muleteercomein. '

Themuleteer was a son of AdamI need not say a word more.   He gavethemuleseach of 'ema sound lashand looking in the abbess's andMargarita'sfaces [as he did it] as much as to say 'here I am'he gave asecondgood crackas much as to say to his mules'get on'so slinkingbehindheenter'd the little inn at the foot of the hill.

Themuleteeras I told youwas a littlejoyouschirping fellowwhothoughtnot of to-morrownor of what had gone beforeor what was tofollow itprovided he got but his scantling of Burgundyand a littlechit-chatalong with it; so entering into a long conversationas how hewas chiefgardener to the convent of Andouillets& c. & c. and out offriendshipfor the abbess and Mademoiselle Margaritawho was only in hernoviciatehe had come along with them from the confines of Savoy& c. & c. --and ashow she had got a white swelling by her devotionsand what anation ofherbs he had procured to mollify her humours& c. & c. andthat ifthe watersof Bourbon did not mend that legshe might as well be lame ofboth& c.& c. & c. He so contrived his storyas absolutely to forget theheroine ofitand with her the little noviceand what was a more ticklishpoint tobe forgot than boththe two mules; who being creatures that takeadvantageof the worldinasmuch as their parents took it of themand theynot beingin a condition to return the obligation downwards [as men andwomen andbeasts are] they do it side-waysand long-waysand back-waysand uphilland down hilland which way they can. Philosopherswith alltheirethickshave never considered this rightlyhow should the poormuleteerthen in his cupsconsider it at all? he did not in the least'tis timewe do; let us leave him then in the vortex of his elementthehappiestand most thoughtless of mortal menand for a moment let us lookafter themulesthe abbessand Margarita.

By virtueof the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had gone quietly onfollowingtheir own consciences up the hilltill they had conquer'd aboutone halfof it; when the elder of thema shrewd crafty old devilat theturn of ananglegiving a side glanceand no muleteer behind them

By my fig!said sheswearingI'll go no furtherAnd if I doreplied theotherthey shall make a drum of my hide.

And sowith one consent they stopp'd thus

 ChapterXXII.

Get onwith yousaid the abbess.

Wh. . . yshyshcriedMargarita.

Sh. . . ashu. . ushu. . ush. . awshaw'dthe abbess.

Whuvwwhewwwwhuv'dMargaritapursing up her sweet lipsbetwixt ahoot and a whistle.

Thumpthumpthumpobstreperatedthe abbess of Andouillets with the endof hergold-headed cane against the bottom of the calesh

The oldmule let a f. . .    

 ChapterXXIII.

We areruin'd and undonemy childsaid the abbess to Margaritawe shallbe hereall nightwe shall be plunder'dwe shall be ravished

We shallbe ravish'dsaid Margaritaas sure as a gun.

SanctaMaria! cried the abbess [forgetting the O! ] why was I govern'd bythiswicked stiff joint? why did I leave the convent of Andouillets? andwhy didstthou not suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her tomb?

O myfinger! my finger! cried the novicecatching fire at the wordservantwhywas I not content to put it hereor thereany where ratherthan be inthis strait?

Strait!said the abbess.

Straitsaidthe novice; for terror had struck their understandingstheone knewnot what she saidthe other what she answer'd.

O myvirginity! virginity! cried the abbess.

. . . inity!. . . inity! said the novicesobbing.

 ChapterXXIV.

My dearmotherquoth the novicecoming a little to herselfthere aretwocertain wordswhich I have been told will force any horseor assormuletogo up a hill whether he will or no; be he never so obstinate orill-will'dthe moment he hears them utter'dhe obeys.   They are wordsmagic!cried the abbess in the utmost horrorNo; replied Margarita calmly--but theyare words sinfulWhat are they? quoth the abbessinterruptingher:  They are sinful in the first degreeanswered Margaritathey aremortalandif we are ravished and die unabsolved of themwe shall both-but youmay pronounce them to mequoth the abbess of AndouilletsTheycannotmydear mothersaid the novicebe pronounced at all; they willmake allthe blood in one's body fly up into one's faceBut you maywhisperthem in my earquoth the abbess.

Heaven!hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the inn at the bottomof thehill? was there no generous and friendly spirit unemployedno agentin natureby some monitory shiveringcreeping along the artery which ledto hisheartto rouse the muleteer from his banquet? no sweet minstrelsyto bringback the fair idea of the abbess and Margaritawith their blackrosaries!

Rouse!rouse! but 'tis too latethe horrid words are pronounced thismoment

and how totell themYewho can speak of every thing existingwithunpollutedlipsinstruct meguide me

 ChapterXXV.

All sinswhateverquoth the abbessturning casuist in the distress theywereunderare held by the confessor of our convent to be either mortalorvenial:  there is no further division.   Now a venial sin being theslightestand least of all sinsbeing halvedby taking either only thehalf ofitand leaving the restorby taking it alland amicablyhalving itbetwixt yourself and another personin course becomes dilutedinto nosin at all.

Now I seeno sin in sayingboubouboubouboua hundred timestogether;nor is there any turpitude in pronouncing the syllable gergergergergerwere it from our matins to our vespers:   Thereforemy deardaughtercontinued the abbess of AndouilletsI will say bouand thoushalt sayger; and then alternatelyas there is no more sin in fou than inbouThoushalt say fouand I will come in [like fasollaremiutat ourcomplines] with ter.   And accordingly the abbessgiving thepitchnotesetoff thus:

Abbess. . . . . ]  Bou. . . bou. . . bou. .Margarita. . ]  -ger. . ger. . ger.

Margarita. . ]  Fou. . . fou. . . fou. .Abbess. . . . . ]  -ter. . ter. . ter.

The twomules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash of their tails; butit went nofurther'Twill answer by an' bysaid the novice.

Abbess. . . . . ]  Bou.   bou.   bou.   bou.   bou.   bou.Margarita. . ]  -ger  ger  ger  ger  ger  ger.

Quickerstillcried Margarita.   Foufoufoufoufoufoufoufoufou.

Quickerstillcried Margarita.   Bouboubouboubouboubouboubou.

QuickerstillGod preserve me; said the abbessThey do not understand uscriedMargaritaBut the Devil doessaid the abbess of Andouillets.

 ChapterXXVI.

What atract of country have I run! how many degrees nearer to the warmsun am Iadvancedand how many fair and goodly cities have I seenduringthe timeyou have been reading and reflectingMadamupon this story!

There'sFontainbleauand Sensand Joignyand Auxerreand Dijon thecapital ofBurgundyand Challonand Macon the capital of the Maconeseand ascore more upon the road to Lyonsand now I have run them overImight aswell talk to you of so many market towns in the moonas tell youone wordabout them:   it will be this chapter at the leastif not boththis andthe next entirely lostdo what I will

Why'tisa strange story! Tristram.

Alas!Madamhad it been upon some melancholy lecture of the crossthepeace ofmeeknessor the contentment of resignationI had not beenincommoded:  or had I thought of writing it upon the purer abstractions ofthe souland that food of wisdom and holiness and contemplationuponwhich thespirit of man [when separated from the body] is to subsist foreverYouwould have come with a better appetite from it

I wish Inever had wrote it:   but as I never blot any thing outlet ususe somehonest means to get it out of our heads directly.

Pray reachme my fool's capI fear you sit upon itMadam'tis underthecushionI'll put it on

Bless me!you have had it upon your head this half hour. There then let itstaywithaFa-radiddle diand afa-ri diddle dand ahigh-dumdye-dumfiddle. .. dumb-c.

And nowMadamwe may ventureI hope a little to go on.

 ChapterXXVII.

All youneed say of Fontainbleau [in case you are ask'd] isthat itstandsabout forty miles [south something] from Parisin the middle of alargeforestThat there is something great in itThat the king goes thereonce everytwo or three yearswith his whole courtfor the pleasure ofthechaceand thatduring that carnival of sportingany Englishgentlemanof fashion [you need not forget yourself] may be accommodatedwith a nagor twoto partake of the sporttaking care only not to out-gallop theking

Thoughthere are two reasons why you need not talk loud of this to everyone.

FirstBecause 'twill make the said nags the harder to be got; and

Secondly'Tis not a word of it true. Allons!

As forSensyou may dispatchin a word''Tis an archiepiscopal see. '

ForJoignythe lessI thinkone says of it the better.

But forAuxerreI could go on for ever:   for in my grand tour throughEuropeinwhichafter allmy father [not caring to trust me with anyone]attended me himselfwith my uncle Tobyand Trimand Obadiahandindeedmost of the familyexcept my motherwho being taken up with aproject ofknitting my father a pair of large worsted breeches [the thingis commonsense] and she not caring to be put out of her wayshe staid athomeatShandy Hallto keep things right during the expedition; in whichI saymyfather stopping us two days at Auxerreand his researches beingever ofsuch a naturethat they would have found fruit even in a deserthe hasleft me enough to say upon Auxerre:   in shortwherever myfatherwentbut'twas more remarkably soin this journey through France andItalythan in any other stages of his lifehis road seemed to lie so muchon oneside of thatwherein all other travellers have gone before himhesaw kingsand courts and silks of all coloursin such strange lightsandhisremarks and reasonings upon the charactersthe mannersand customsofthecountries we pass'd overwere so opposite to those of all othermortalmenparticularly those of my uncle Toby and Trim [to say nothing ofmyself] andto crown allthe occurrences and scrapes which we wereperpetuallymeeting and getting intoin consequence of his systems andopiniotrytheywere of so oddso mix'd and tragi-comical a contextureThat thewhole put togetherit appears of so different a shade and tintfrom anytour of Europewhich was ever executedthat I will venture topronouncethefault must be mine and mine onlyif it be not read by alltravellersand travel-readerstill travelling is no moreor which comesto thesame pointtill the worldfinallytakes it into its head to standstill.

But thisrich bale is not to be open'd now; except a small thread or twoof itmerely to unravel the mystery of my father's stay at Auxerre.

As I havementioned it'tis too slight to be kept suspended; and when'tis woveinthere is an end of it.

We'll gobrother Tobysaid my fatherwhilst dinner is coddlingto theabbey ofSaint Germainif it be only to see these bodiesof whichMonsieurSequier has given such a recommendation. I'll go see any bodyquoth myuncle Toby; for he was all compliance through every step of thejourneyDefendme! said my fatherthey are all mummiesThen one need notshave;quoth my uncle TobyShave! nocried my father'twill be more likerelationsto go with our beards onSo out we salliedthe corporal lendinghis masterhis armand bringing up the rearto the abbey of SaintGermain.

Everything is very fineand very richand very superband verymagnificentsaid my fatheraddressing himself to the sacristanwho was ayoungerbrother of the order of Benedictinesbut our curiosity has led usto see thebodiesof which Monsieur Sequier has given the world so exact adescription. Thesacristan made a bowand lighting a torch firstwhichhe hadalways in the vestry ready for the purpose; he led us into the tombof St.HeribaldThissaid the sacristanlaying his hand upon the tombwas arenowned prince of the house of Bavariawho under the successivereigns ofCharlemagneLouis le Debonnairand Charles the Baldbore agreat swayin the governmentand had a principal hand in bringing everything intoorder and discipline

Then hehas been as greatsaid my unclein the fieldas in the cabinetI dare sayhe has been a gallant soldierHe was a monksaid thesacristan.

My uncleToby and Trim sought comfort in each other's facesbut found itnot:  my father clapped both his hands upon his cod-piecewhich was a wayhe hadwhen any thing hugely tickled him:   for though he hated a monkandthe verysmell of a monk worse than all the devils in hellyet the shothitting myuncle Toby and Trim so much harder than him'twas a relativetriumph;and put him into the gayest humour in the world.

And praywhat do you call this gentleman? quoth my fatherrathersportingly:  This tombsaid the young Benedictinelooking downwardscontainsthe bones of Saint Maximawho came from Ravenna on purpose totouch thebody

Of SaintMaximussaid my fatherpopping in with his saint before himthey weretwo of the greatest saints in the whole martyrologyadded myfatherExcusemesaid the sacristan'twas to touch the bones of SaintGermainthe builder of the abbeyAnd what did she get by it? said myuncleTobyWhat does any woman get by it? said my fatherMartyrdome;repliedthe young Benedictinemaking a bow down to the groundandutteringthe word with so humblebut decisive a cadenceit disarmed myfather fora moment.   'Tis supposedcontinued the Benedictinethat St.Maxima haslain in this tomb four hundred yearsand two hundred before hercanonization'Tisbut a slow risebrother Tobyquoth my fatherin thisself-samearmy of martyrs. A desperate slow onean' please your honoursaid Trimunless one could purchaseI should rather sell out entirelyquoth myuncle TobyI am pretty much of your opinionbrother Tobysaidmy father.

Poor St.Maxima! said my uncle Toby low to himselfas we turn'd from hertomb:  She was one of the fairest and most beautiful ladies either of Italyor Francecontinued the sacristanBut who the duce has got lain downherebesides her? quoth my fatherpointing with his cane to a large tombas wewalked onIt is Saint OptatSiranswered the sacristanAndproperlyis Saint Optat plac'd! said my father:   And what is SaintOptat'sstory?continued he.   Saint Optatreplied the sacristanwas a bishop

I thoughtsoby heaven! cried my fatherinterrupting himSaint Optat! --howshould Saint Optat fail? so snatching out his pocket-bookand theyoungBenedictine holding him the torch as he wrotehe set it down as anew propto his system of Christian namesand I will be bold to saysodisinterestedwas he in the search of truththat had he found a treasurein SaintOptat's tombit would not have made him half so rich:   'Twas assuccessfula short visit as ever was paid to the dead; and so highly washis fancypleas'd with all that had passed in itthat he determined atonce tostay another day in Auxerre.

I'll seethe rest of these good gentry to-morrowsaid my fatheras wecross'dover the squareAnd while you are paying that visitbrotherShandyquoth my uncle Tobythe corporal and I will mount the ramparts.

 ChapterXXVIII.

Now thisis the most puzzled skein of allfor in this last chapterasfar atleast as it has help'd me through AuxerreI have been gettingforwardsin two different journies togetherand with the same dash of thepenfor Ihave got entirely out of Auxerre in this journey which I amwritingnowand I am got half way out of Auxerre in that which I shallwritehereafterThere is but a certain degree of perfection in everything; andby pushing at something beyond thatI have brought myself intosuch asituationas no traveller ever stood before me; for I am thismomentwalking across the market-place of Auxerre with my father and myuncleTobyin our way back to dinnerand I am this moment also enteringLyons withmy post-chaise broke into a thousand piecesand I am moreoverthismoment in a handsome pavillion built by Pringello [The same DonPringellothe celebrated Spanish architectof whom my cousin Antony hasmade suchhonourable mention in a scholium to the Tale inscribed to hisname.  Vid. p. 129small edit. ]upon the banks of the Garonnewhich Mons.Sligniachas lent meand where I now sit rhapsodising all these affairs.

Let mecollect myselfand pursue my journey.

 ChapterXXIX.

I am gladof itsaid Isettling the account with myselfas I walk'd intoLyonsmychaise being all laid higgledy-piggledy with my baggage in acartwhich was moving slowly before meI am heartily gladsaid Ithat'tis allbroke to pieces; for now I can go directly by water to Avignonwhich willcarry me on a hundred and twenty miles of my journeyand notcost meseven livresand from thencecontinued Ibringing forwards theaccountIcan hire a couple of mulesor assesif I like[for nobodyknows me]and cross the plains of Languedoc for almost nothingI shallgain fourhundred livres by the misfortune clear into my purse:   andpleasure!worthworth double the money by it.   With what velocitycontinuedIclapping my two hands togethershall I fly down the rapidRhonewith the Vivares on my right handand Dauphiny on my leftscarceseeing theancient cities of VienneValenceand Vivieres.   What a flamewill itrekindle in the lampto snatch a blushing grape from the Hermitageand Coterotias I shoot by the foot of them! and what a fresh spring inthe blood!to behold upon the banks advancing and retiringthe castles ofromancewhence courteous knights have whilome rescued the distress'dandseevertiginousthe rocksthe mountainsthe cataractsand all thehurrywhichNature is in with all her great works about her.

As I wenton thusmethought my chaisethe wreck of which look'd statelyenough atthe firstinsensibly grew less and less in its size; thefreshnessof the painting was no morethe gilding lost its lustreand thewholeaffair appeared so poor in my eyesso sorry! so contemptible! andin a wordso much worse than the abbess of Andouillets' itselfthat I wasjustopening my mouth to give it to the devilwhen a pert vamping chaise-undertakerstepping nimbly across the streetdemanded if Monsieur wouldhave hischaise refittedNonosaid Ishaking my head sidewaysWouldMonsieurchoose to sell it? rejoined the undertakerWith all my soulsaidIthe ironwork is worth forty livresand the glasses worth forty moreand theleather you may take to live on.

What amine of wealthquoth Ias he counted me the moneyhas this post-chaisebrought me in?   And this is my usual method of book-keepingatleast withthe disasters of lifemaking a penny of every one of 'em astheyhappen to me

Domydear Jennytell the world for mehow I behaved under onethemostoppressive of its kindwhich could befal me as a manproud as heought tobe of his manhood

'Tisenoughsaidst thoucoming close up to meas I stood with mygartersin myhandreflecting upon what had not pass'd'Tis enoughTristramandI amsatisfiedsaidst thouwhispering these words in my ear. . . . . .. . . .. . .. . . . . . ; . . . . . . . . . any other man would have sunk down to the centre

Everything is good for somethingquoth I.

I'll gointo Wales for six weeksand drink goat's wheyand I'll gainsevenyears longer life for the accident.   For which reason I thinkmyselfinexcusablefor blaming Fortune so often as I have donefor pelting meall mylife longlike an ungracious duchessas I call'd herwith so manysmallevils:   surelyif I have any cause to be angry with her'tisthatshe hasnot sent me great onesa score of good cursedbouncing losseswould havebeen as good as a pension to me.

One of ahundred a yearor sois all I wishI would not be at theplague ofpaying land-tax for a larger.

 ChapterXXX.

To thosewho call vexationsVexationsas knowing what they aretherecould notbe a greaterthan to be the best part of a day at Lyonsthemostopulent and flourishing city in Franceenriched with the mostfragmentsof antiquityand not be able to see it.   To be withheld upon anyaccountmust be a vexation; but to be withheld by a vexationmustcertainlybewhat philosophy justly calls

Vexation

upon

Vexation.

I had gotmy two dishes of milk coffee [which by the bye is excellentlygood for aconsumptionbut you must boil the milk and coffee togetherotherwise'tis only coffee and milk] and as it was no more than eight inthemorningand the boat did not go off till noonI had time to seeenough ofLyons to tire the patience of all the friends I had in the worldwith it.  I will take a walk to the cathedralsaid Ilooking at my listand seethe wonderful mechanism of this great clock of Lippius of Basilinthe firstplace

Nowofall things in the worldI understand the least of mechanismIhaveneither geniusor tasteor fancyand have a brain so entirely unaptfor everything of that kindthat I solemnly declare I was never yet abletocomprehend the principles of motion of a squirrel cageor a commonknife-grinder'swheeltho' I have many an hour of my life look'd up withgreatdevotion at the oneand stood by with as much patience as anychristianever could doat the other

I'll gosee the surprising movements of this great clocksaid Ithe veryfirstthing I do:   and then I will pay a visit to the great library oftheJesuitsand procureif possiblea sight of the thirty volumes of thegeneralhistory of Chinawrote [not in the Tartareanbut] in the Chineselanguageand in the Chinese character too.

Now Ialmost know as little of the Chinese languageas I do of themechanismof Lippius's clock-work; sowhy these should have jostledthemselvesinto the two first articles of my listI leave to the curiousas aproblem of Nature.   I own it looks like one of her ladyship'sobliquities;and they who court herare interested in finding out herhumour asmuch as I.

When thesecuriosities are seenquoth Ihalf addressing myself to myvalet deplacewho stood behind me'twill be no hurt if we go to thechurch ofSt. Irenaeusand see the pillar to which Christ was tiedandafterthatthe house where Pontius Pilate lived'Twas at the next townsaid thevalet de placeat Vienne; I am glad of itsaid Irising brisklyfrom mychairand walking across the room with strides twice as long as myusualpace'for so much the sooner shall I be at the Tomb of the twolovers. '

What wasthe cause of this movementand why I took such long strides inutteringthisI might leave to the curious too; but as no principle ofclock-workis concerned in it'twill be as well for the reader if Iexplain itmyself.

 ChapterXXXI.

O! thereis a sweet aera in the life of manwhen [the brain being tenderandfibrillousand more like pap than any thing else] a story read of twofondloversseparated from each other by cruel parentsand by still morecrueldestiny

AmandusHeAmandaSheeachignorant of the other's courseHeeastShewestAmandustaken captive by the Turksand carried to the emperor of Morocco'scourtwhere the princess of Morocco falling in love with himkeeps himtwentyyears in prison for the love of the his Amanda.

She [Amanda]all the time wandering barefootand with dishevell'd hairo'er rocksand mountainsenquiring for Amandus! Amandus! Amandus! makingevery hilland valley to echo back his nameAmandus!Amandus!at everytown and citysitting down forlorn at the gateHas Amandus! hasmy Amandusenter'd? tillgoing roundand roundand round the worldchanceunexpected bringing them at the same moment of the nightthough bydifferentwaysto the gate of Lyonstheir native cityand each in well-knownaccents calling out aloudIs Amandus/ Is my Amanda still alive?they flyinto each other's armsand both drop down dead for joy.

There is asoft aera in every gentle mortal's lifewhere such a storyaffordsmore pabulum to the brainthan all the Frustsand CrustsandRusts ofantiquitywhich travellers can cook up for it.

'Twas allthat stuck on the right side of the cullender in my ownofwhat Sponand othersin their accounts of Lyonshad strained into it; andfindingmoreoverin some Itinerarybut in what God knowsThat sacred tothefidelity of Amandus and Amandaa tomb was built without the gateswheretothis hourlovers called upon them to attest their truthsInevercould get into a scrape of that kind in my lifebut this tomb of theloverswouldsomehow or othercome in at the closenay such a kind ofempire hadit establish'd over methat I could seldom think or speak ofLyonsandsometimes not so much as see even a Lyons-waistcoatbut thisremnant ofantiquity would present itself to my fancy; and I have oftensaid in mywild way of running ontho' I fear with some irreverence'Ithoughtthis shrine [neglected as it was] as valuable as that of Meccaandso littleshortexcept in wealthof the Santa Casa itselfthat some timeor otherI would go a pilgrimage [though I had no other business at Lyons]on purposeto pay it a visit. '

In mylistthereforeof Videnda at Lyonsthistho' lastwas notyouseeleast; so taking a dozen or two of longer strides than usual cross myroomjustwhilst it passed my brainI walked down calmly into the bassecourinorder to sally forth; and having called for my billas it wasuncertainwhether I should return to my innI had paid ithad moreovergiven themaid ten sousand was just receiving the dernier compliments ofMonsieurLe Blancfor a pleasant voyage down the Rhonewhen I was stoppedat thegate

 ChapterXXXII.

'Twas by apoor asswho had just turned in with a couple of largepanniersupon his backto collect eleemosynary turnip-tops and cabbage-leaves;and stood dubiouswith his two fore-feet on the inside of thethresholdand with his two hinder feet towards the streetas not knowingvery wellwhether he was to go in or no.

Now'tisan animal [be in what hurry I may] I cannot bear to strikethereis apatient endurance of sufferingswrote so unaffectedly in his looksandcarriagewhich pleads so mightily for himthat it always disarmsme;and tothat degreethat I do not like to speak unkindly to him:   onthecontrarymeet him where I willwhether in town or countryin cart orunderpannierswhether in liberty or bondageI have ever something civilto say tohim on my part; and as one word begets another [if he has aslittle todo as I] I generally fall into conversation with him; and surelynever ismy imagination so busy as in framing his responses from theetchingsof his countenanceand where those carry me not deep enoughinflyingfrom my own heart into hisand seeing what is natural for an ass tothinkaswell as a manupon the occasion.   In truthit is the onlycreatureof all the classes of beings below mewith whom I can do this:

forparrotsjackdaws& c. I never exchange a word with themnor withtheapes& c.for pretty near the same reason; they act by roteas the othersspeak byitand equally make me silent: nay my dog and my catthough Ivalue themboth [and for my dog he would speak if he could] yet somehowor otherthey neither of them possess the talents for conversationI canmakenothing of a discourse with thembeyond the propositionthe replyandrejoinderwhich terminated my father's and my mother'sconversationsin hisbeds of justiceand those utter'dthere's an end of the dialogue

But withan assI can commune for ever.

ComeHonesty! said Iseeing it was impracticable to pass betwixt him andthegateart thou for coming inor going out?

The asstwisted his head round to look up the street

WellrepliedIwe'll wait a minute for thy driver:

He turnedhis head thoughtful aboutand looked wistfully the oppositeway

Iunderstand thee perfectlyanswered IIf thou takest a wrong step inthisaffairhe will cudgel thee to deathWell! a minute is but a minuteand if itsaves a fellow-creature a drubbingit shall not be set down asill-spent.

He waseating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse went onand inthe littlepeevish contentions of nature betwixt hunger and unsavourinesshad droptit out of his mouth half a dozen timesand pick'd it up againGod helptheeJack! said Ithou hast a bitter breakfast on'tand many abitterday's labourand many a bitter blowI fearfor its wages'tisallallbitterness to theewhatever life is to others. And now thymouthifone knew the truth of itis as bitterI dare sayas soot [forhe hadcast aside the stem] and thou hast not a friend perhaps in all thisworldthat will give thee a macaroon. In saying thisI pull'd out apaper of'emwhich I had just purchasedand gave him oneand at thismomentthat I am telling itmy heart smites methat there was more ofpleasantryin the conceitof seeing how an ass would eat a macaroonthanofbenevolence in giving him onewhich presided in the act.

When theass had eaten his macaroonI press'd him to come inthe poorbeast washeavy loadedhis legs seem'd to tremble under himhe hungratherbackwardsand as I pull'd at his halterit broke short in my hand--he look'dup pensive in my face'Don't thrash me with itbut if youwillyoumay'If I dosaid II'll be d. . . . d.

The wordwas but one-half of it pronouncedlike the abbess ofAndouillet's [sothere was no sin in it] when a person coming inletfall athundering bastinado upon the poor devil's crupperwhich put an endto theceremony.

Out uponit!cried Ibutthe interjection was equivocalandI thinkwrong placedtoofor theend of an osier which had started out from the contexture ofthe ass'spanierhad caught hold of my breeches pocketas he rush'd bymeandrent it in the most disastrous direction you can imagineso thatthe

Out uponit! in my opinionshould have come in herebut this I leave tobe settledbyTheReviewersofMyBreecheswhich Ihave brought over along with me for that purpose.

 ChapterXXXIII.

When allwas set to rightsI came down stairs again into the basse courwith myvalet de placein order to sally out towards the tomb of the twolovers& c. and was a second time stopp'd at the gatenot by the assbutby theperson who struck him; and whoby that timehad taken possession[as is notuncommon after a defeat] of the very spot of ground where theass stood.

It was acommissary sent to me from the post-officewith a rescript in hishand forthe payment of some six livres odd sous.

Upon whataccount? said I. 'Tis upon the part of the kingreplied thecommissaryheaving up both his shoulders

My goodfriendquoth Ias sure as I am Iand you are you

And whoare you? said he. Don't puzzle me; said I.

 ChapterXXXIV.

But it isan indubitable veritycontinued Iaddressing myself to thecommissarychanging only the form of my asseverationthat I owe the kingof Francenothing but my good will; for he is a very honest manand I wishhim allhealth and pastime in the world

Pardonnezmoireplied the commissaryyou are indebted to him six livresfour sousfor the next post from hence to St. Fonsin your route toAvignonwhichbeing a post royalyou pay double for the horses andpostillionotherwise'twould have amounted to no more than three livrestwo sous

But Idon't go by land; said I.

You may ifyou please; replied the commissary

Your mostobedient servantsaid Imaking him a low bow

Thecommissarywith all the sincerity of grave good breedingmade me oneas lowagain. I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my life.

The deviltake the serious character of these people! quoth I [aside]theyunderstand no more of Irony than this

Thecomparison was standing close by with his panniersbut somethingseal'd upmy lipsI could not pronounce the name

SirsaidIcollecting myselfit is not my intention to take post

But youmaysaid hepersisting in his first replyyou may take post ifyou chuse

And I maytake salt to my pickled herringsaid Iif I chuse

But I donot chuse

But youmust pay for itwhether you do or no.

Aye! forthe salt; said I [I know]

And forthe post too; added he.   Defend me! cried I

I travelby waterI am going down the Rhone this very afternoonmybaggage isin the boatand I have actually paid nine livres for mypassage

C'est toutegal'tis all one; said he.

Bon Dieu!whatpay for the way I go! and for the way I do not go!

C'est toutegal; replied the commissary

The devilit is! said Ibut I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first

O England!England! thou land of libertyand climate of good sensethoutenderestof mothersand gentlest of nursescried Ikneeling upon onekneeas Iwas beginning my apostrophe.

When thedirector of Madam Le Blanc's conscience coming in at that instantand seeinga person in blackwith a face as pale as ashesat hisdevotionslookingstill paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery--ask'difI stood in want of the aids of the church

I go byWatersaid Iand here's another will be for making me pay forgoing byOil.

 ChapterXXXV.

As Iperceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six livresfour sousI had nothing else for itbut to say some smart thing upon theoccasionworth the money:

And so Iset off thus:

And prayMr. Commissaryby what law of courtesy is a defencelessstrangerto be used just the reverse from what you use a Frenchman in thismatter?

By nomeans; said he.

Excuse me;said Ifor you have begunSirwith first tearing off mybreeches-andnow you want my pocket

Whereashadyou first taken my pocketas you do with your own peopleandthen leftme bare a. . 'd afterI had been a beast to have complain'd

As it is

'Tiscontrary to the law of nature.

'Tiscontrary to reason.

'Tiscontrary to the Gospel.

But not tothissaid heputting a printed paper into my hand

Par leRoy.

'Tis apithy prolegomenonquoth Iand so read on. . . .

By allwhich it appearsquoth Ihaving read it overa little toorapidlythat if a man sets out in a post-chaise from Parishe must go ontravellingin oneall the days of his lifeor pay for it. Excuse mesaid thecommissarythe spirit of the ordinance is thisThat if you setout withan intention of running post from Paris to Avignon& c. you shallnot changethat intention or mode of travellingwithout first satisfyingthefermiers for two posts further than the place you repent atand 'tisfoundedcontinued heupon thisthat the Revenues are not to fall shortthroughyour fickleness

O byheavens! cried Iif fickleness is taxable in Francewe havenothing todo but to make the best peace with you we can

And So thePeace Was Made;

And if itis a bad oneas Tristram Shandy laid the corner-stone of itnobody butTristram Shandy ought to be hanged.

 ChapterXXXVI.

Though Iwas sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary

as came tosix livres four sousyet I was determined to note down theimpositionamongst my remarks before I retired from the place; so puttingmy handinto my coat-pocket for my remarks [whichby the byemay be acaution totravellers to take a little more care of their remarks for thefuture]'my remarks were stolen'Never did sorry traveller make such apother andracket about his remarks as I did about mineupon the occasion.

Heaven!earth! sea! fire! cried Icalling in every thing to my aid butwhat IshouldMy remarks are stolen! what shall I do? Mr. Commissary!pray did Idrop any remarksas I stood besides you?

Youdropp'd a good many very singular ones; replied hePugh! said Ithosewere but afewnot worth above six livres two sousbut these are a largeparcelHeshook his headMonsieur Le Blanc! Madam Le Blanc! did you seeany papersof mine? you maid of the house! run up stairsFrancois! run upafter her

I musthave my remarksthey were the best remarkscried Ithat everweremadethe wisestthe wittiestWhat shall I do? which way shall Iturnmyself?

SanchoPancawhen he lost his ass's Furnituredid not exclaim morebitterly.

 ChapterXXXVII.

When thefirst transport was overand the registers of the brain werebeginningto get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble ofcrossaccidents had cast themit then presently occurr'd to methat I hadleft myremarks in the pocket of the chaiseand that in selling my chaiseI had soldmy remarks along with itto the chaise-vamper.                  I leavethis voidspace that the reader may swear into it any oath that he is mostaccustomedtoFor my own partif ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancyin mylifeI think it was into that. . . . . . . . .said Iand so my remarksthroughFrancewhich were as full of witas an egg is full of meatandas wellworth four hundred guineasas the said egg is worth a pennyhaveI beenselling here to a chaise-vamperfor four Louis d'Orsand givinghim apost-chaise [by heaven] worth six into the bargain; had it been toDodsleyor Becketor any creditable booksellerwho was either leavingoffbusinessand wanted a post-chaiseor who was beginning itand wantedmyremarksand two or three guineas along with themI could have borneitbut to achaise-vamper! shew me to him this momentFrancoissaid I--The valetde place put on his hatand led the wayand I pull'd off mineas Ipass'd the commissaryand followed him.

 ChapterXXXVIII.

When wearrived at the chaise-vamper's houseboth the house and the shopwere shutup; it was the eighth of Septemberthe nativity of the blessedVirginMarymother of God

Tantarra-ra-tan-tivithewhole world was gone out a May-polingfriskingherecaperingthereno body cared a button for me or my remarks; so I satme downupon a bench by the doorphilosophating upon my condition:   byabetterfate than usually attends meI had not waited half an hourwhenthemistress came in to take the papilliotes from off her hairbeforeshewent tothe May-poles

The Frenchwomenby the byelove May-polesa la foliethat isas muchas theirmatinsgive 'em but a May-polewhether in MayJuneJuly orSeptembertheynever count the timesdown it goes'tis meatdrinkwashingand lodging to 'emand had we but the policyan' please yourworships[as wood is a little scarce in France]to send them but plenty ofMay-poles

The womenwould set them up; and when they had donethey would dance roundthem [andthe men for company] till they were all blind.

The wifeof the chaise-vamper stepp'd inI told youto take thepapilliotesfrom off her hairthe toilet stands still for no manso shejerk'd offher capto begin with them as she open'd the doorin doingwhichoneof them fell upon the groundI instantly saw it was my ownwriting

OSeigneur! cried Iyou have got all my remarks upon your headMadam!J'en suisbien mortifieesaid she'tis wellthinks Ithey have stuckthereforcould they have gone deeperthey would have made such confusionin aFrench woman's noddleShe had better have gone with it unfrizledtothe day ofeternity.

Tenezsaidsheso without any idea of the nature of my sufferingshetook themfrom her curlsand put them gravely one by one into my hatonewastwisted this wayanother twisted thatey! by my faith; and when theyarepublishedquoth I

They willbe worse twisted still.

 ChapterXXXIX.

And nowfor Lippius's clock! said Iwith the air of a manwho had gotthro' allhis difficultiesnothing can prevent us seeing thatand theChinesehistory& c. except the timesaid Francoisfor 'tis almosteleventhenwe must speed the fastersaid Istriding it away to thecathedral.

I cannotsayin my heartthat it gave me any concern in being told by oneof theminor canonsas I was entering the west doorThat Lippius's greatclock wasall out of jointsand had not gone for some yearsIt will giveme themore timethought Ito peruse the Chinese history; and besides Ishall beable to give the world a better account of the clock in its decaythan Icould have done in its flourishing condition

And soaway I posted to the college of the Jesuits.

Now it iswith the project of getting a peep at the history of China inChinesecharactersas with many others I could mentionwhich strike thefancy onlyat a distance; for as I came nearer and nearer to the pointmybloodcool'dthe freak gradually went offtill at length I would not havegiven acherry-stone to have it gratifiedThe truth wasmy time wasshortandmy heart was at the Tomb of the LoversI wish to Godsaid Ias I gotthe rapper in my handthat the key of the library may be butlost; itfell out as well

For allthe Jesuits had got the cholicand to that degreeas never wasknown inthe memory of the oldest practitioner.

 ChapterXL.

As I knewthe geography of the Tomb of the Loversas well as if I hadlivedtwenty years in Lyonsnamelythat it was upon the turning of myrighthandjust without the gateleading to the Fauxbourg de VaiseIdispatchedFrancois to the boatthat I might pay the homage I so long ow'ditwithout a witness of my weaknessI walk'd with all imaginable joytowardsthe placewhen I saw the gate which intercepted the tombmy heartglowedwithin me

Tender andfaithful spirits! cried Iaddressing myself to Amandus andAmandalonglonghave I tarried to drop this tear upon your tombI come--I come

When Icamethere was no tomb to drop it upon.

What wouldI have given for my uncle Tobyto have whistled Lillo bullero!

 ChapterXLI.

No matterhowor in what moodbut I flew from the tomb of the loversorrather Idid not fly from it [for there was no such thing existing] andjust gottime enough to the boat to save my passage; and ere I had saileda hundredyardsthe Rhone and the Saon met togetherand carried me downmerrilybetwixt them.

But I havedescribed this voyage down the Rhonebefore I made it

So now Iam at Avignonand as there is nothing to see but the old housein whichthe duke of Ormond residedand nothing to stop me but a shortremarkupon the placein three minutes you will see me crossing the bridgeupon amulewith Francois upon a horse with my portmanteau behind himandthe ownerof bothstriding the way before uswith a long gun upon hisshoulderand a sword under his armlest peradventure we should run awaywith hiscattle.   Had you seen my breeches in entering AvignonThoughyou'd haveseen them betterI thinkas I mountedyou would not havethoughtthe precaution amissor found in your heart to have taken it indudgeon;for my own partI took it most kindly; and determined to make hima presentof themwhen we got to the end of our journeyfor the troublethey hadput him toof arming himself at all points against them.

Before Igo furtherlet me get rid of my remark upon Avignonwhich isthis:  That I think it wrongmerely because a man's hat has been blown offhis headby chance the first night he comes to Avignonthat he shouldthereforesay'Avignon is more subject to high winds than any town in allFrance: ' for which reason I laid no stress upon the accident till I hadenquiredof the master of the inn about itwho telling me seriously it wassoandhearingmoreoverthe windiness of Avignon spoke of in the countryabout as aproverbI set it downmerely to ask the learned what can bethecausethe consequence I sawfor they are all DukesMarquissesandCountstherethe duce a Baronin all Avignonso that there is scarceanytalking to them on a windy day.

Pritheefriendsaid Itook hold of my mule for a momentfor I wanted topull offone of my jack-bootswhich hurt my heelthe man was standingquite idleat the door of the innand as I had taken it into my headhewassomeway concerned about the house or stableI put the bridle intohishandsobegun with the boot: when I had finished the affairI turnedabout totake the mule from the manand thank him

ButMonsieur le Marquis had walked in

 ChapterXLII.

I had nowthe whole south of Francefrom the banks of the Rhone to thoseof theGaronneto traverse upon my mule at my own leisureat my ownleisureforI had left Deaththe Lord knowsand He onlyhow far behindme'I havefollowed many a man thro' Francequoth hebut never at thismettlesomerate. 'Still he followedand still I fled himbut I fled himcheerfullystillhe pursuedbutlike one who pursued his prey withouthopeas helagg'devery step he lostsoftened his lookswhy should Ifly him atthis rate?

Sonotwithstanding all the commissary of the post-office had saidIchangedthe mode of my travelling once more; andafter so precipitate andrattling acourse as I had runI flattered my fancy with thinking of mymuleandthat I should traverse the rich plains of Languedoc upon hisbackasslowly as foot could fall.

There isnothing more pleasing to a travelleror more terrible to travel-writersthan a large rich plain; especially if it is without great riversorbridges; and presents nothing to the eyebut one unvaried picture ofplenty:  for after they have once told youthat 'tis delicious! ordelightful![as the case happens] that the soil was gratefuland thatnaturepours out all her abundance& c. . . they have then a large plainupon theirhandswhich they know not what to do withand which is oflittle orno use to them but to carry them to some town; and that townperhaps oflittle morebut a new place to start from to the next plainand so on.

This ismost terrible work; judge if I don't manage my plains better.

 ChapterXLIII.

I had notgone above two leagues and a halfbefore the man with his gunbegan tolook at his priming.

I hadthree several times loiter'd terribly behind; half a mile at leasteverytime; oncein deep conference with a drum-makerwho was makingdrums forthe fairs of Baucaira and TarasconeI did not understand theprinciples

The secondtimeI cannot so properly sayI stopp'dfor meeting a coupleofFranciscans straitened more for time than myselfand not being abletoget to thebottom of what I was aboutI had turn'd back with them

The thirdwas an affair of trade with a gossipfor a hand-basket ofProvencefigs for four sous; this would have been transacted at once; butfor a caseof conscience at the close of it; for when the figs were paidforitturn'd outthat there were two dozen of eggs covered over withvine-leavesat the bottom of the basketas I had no intention of buyingeggsI madeno sort of claim of themas for the space they had occupiedwhatsignified it?   I had figs enow for my money

But it wasmy intention to have the basketit was the gossip's intentionto keepitwithout whichshe could do nothing with her eggsand unless Ihad thebasketI could do as little with my figswhich were too ripealreadyand most of 'em burst at the side:   this brought on a shortcontentionwhich terminated in sundry proposalswhat we should both do

How wedisposed of our eggs and figsI defy youor the Devil himselfhad he notbeen there [which I am persuaded he was]to form the leastprobableconjecture:   You will read the whole of itnot this yearfor Iamhastening to the story of my uncle Toby's amoursbut you will read itin thecollection of those which have arose out of the journey across thisplainandwhichthereforeI call my

PlainStories.

How far mypen has been fatiguedlike those of other travellersin thisjourney ofitover so barren a trackthe world must judgebut the tracesof itwhich are now all set o'vibrating together this momenttell me 'tisthe mostfruitful and busy period of my life; for as I had made noconventionwith my man with the gunas to timeby stopping and talking toevery soulI metwho was not in a full trotjoining all parties beforemewaitingfor every soul behindhailing all those who were comingthroughcross-roadsarresting all kinds of beggarspilgrimsfiddlersfriarsnotpassing by a woman in a mulberry-tree without commending herlegsandtempting her into conversation with a pinch of snuffIn shortby seizingevery handleof what size or shape soeverwhich chance heldout to mein this journeyI turned my plain into a cityI was always incompanyand with great variety too; and as my mule loved society as muchas myselfand had some proposals always on his part to offer to everybeast hemetI am confident we could have passed through Pall-Mallor St.James's-Streetfor a month togetherwith fewer adventuresand seen lessof humannature.

O! thereis that sprightly franknesswhich at once unpins every plait of aLanguedocian'sdressthat whatever is beneath itit looks so like thesimplicitywhich poets sing of in better daysI will delude my fancyandbelieve itis so.

'Twas inthe road betwixt Nismes and Lunelwhere there is the bestMuscattowine in all Franceand which by the bye belongs to the honestcanons ofMontpellierand foul befal the man who has drunk it at theirtablewhogrudges them a drop of it.

The sunwas setthey had done their work; the nymphs had tied up theirhairafreshand the swains were preparing for a carousalmy mule made adeadpoint'Tis the fife and tabourinsaid II'm frighten'd to deathquothheThey are running at the ring of pleasuresaid Igiving him aprickBysaint Boogarand all the saints at the backside of the door ofpurgatorysaid he [making the same resolution with the abbesse ofAndouillets]I'll not go a step further'Tis very wellsirsaid IInever willargue a point with one of your familyas long as I live; soleapingoff his backand kicking off one boot into this ditchand t'otherintothatI'll take a dancesaid Iso stay you here.

Asun-burnt daughter of Labour rose up from the groupe to meet meas Iadvancedtowards them; her hairwhich was a dark chesnut approachingrather toa blackwas tied up in a knotall but a single tress.

We want acavaliersaid sheholding out both her handsas if to offerthemAnd acavalier ye shall have; said Itaking hold of both of them.

HadstthouNannettebeen array'd like a duchesse!

But thatcursed slit in thy petticoat!

Nannettecared not for it.

We couldnot have done without yousaid sheletting go one handwithself-taughtpolitenessleading me up with the other.

A lameyouthwhom Apollo had recompensed with a pipeand to which he hadadded atabourin of his own accordran sweetly over the preludeas he satupon thebankTie me up this tress instantlysaid Nannetteputting apiece ofstring into my handIt taught me to forget I was a strangerThewhole knotfell downWe had been seven years acquainted.

The youthstruck the note upon the tabourinhis pipe followedand off webounded'theduce take that slit! '

The sisterof the youthwho had stolen her voice from heavensungalternatelywith her brother'twas a Gascoigne roundelay.

Viva laJoia!Fidon laTristessa!

The nymphsjoin'd in unisonand their swains an octave below them

I wouldhave given a crown to have it sew'd upNannette would not havegiven asousViva la joia! was in her lipsViva la joia! was in her eyes.

Atransient spark of amity shot across the space betwixt usShe look'damiable! Whycould I not liveand end my days thus?   Just Disposer of ourjoys andsorrowscried Iwhy could not a man sit down in the lap ofcontenthereand danceand singand say his prayersand go to heavenwith thisnut-brown maid?   Capriciously did she bend her head on one sideand danceup insidiousThen 'tis time to dance offquoth I; so changingonlypartners and tunesI danced it away from Lunel to Montpellierfromthence toPescnasBeziersI danced it along through NarbonneCarcassonand CastleNaudairytill at last I danced myself into Perdrillo'spavillionwhere pulling out a paper of black linesthat I might go onstraightforwardswithout digression or parenthesisin my uncle Toby'samours

I begunthus

VOL.VIII 

 Nonenim excursus hic ejussed opus ipsum est. Plin. Lib.V. Epist. 6.

 Si quidurbaniuscule lusum a nobisper Musas et Charitas et omniumpoetarumNuminaOro tene me male capias.

ChapterI.

But softly- for in these sportive plainsand under this genial sunwhere atthis instant all flesh is running out pipingfiddlinganddancing tothe vintageand every step that's takenthe judgment issurprisedby the imaginationI defynotwithstanding all that has beensaid uponstraight lines [Vid. Vol. III. ] in sundry pages of my bookIdefy thebest cabbage planter that ever existedwhether he plantsbackwardsor forwardsit makes little difference in the account [exceptthat hewill have more to answer for in the one case than in the other] Idefy himto go on coollycriticallyand canonicallyplanting hiscabbagesone by onein straight linesand stoical distancesespeciallyif slitsin petticoats are unsew'd upwithout ever and anon straddlingoutorsidling into some bastardly digressionIn Freeze-landFog-landand someother lands I wot ofit may be done

But inthis clear climate of fantasy and perspirationwhere every ideasensibleand insensiblegets ventin this landmy dear Eugeniusin thisfertileland of chivalry and romancewhere I now situnskrewing my ink-horn towrite my uncle Toby's amoursand with all the meanders of Julia'strack inquest of her Diegoin full view of my study windowif thoucomest notand takest me by the hand

What awork it is likely to turn out!

Let usbegin it.

 ChapterII.

It is withLove as with Cuckoldom

But now Iam talking of beginning a bookand have long had a thing upon mymind to beimparted to the readerwhichif not imparted nowcan never beimpartedto him as long as I live [whereas the Comparison may be impartedto him anyhour in the day] I'll just mention itand begin in goodearnest.

The thingis this.

That ofall the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practicethroughoutthe known worldI am confident my own way of doing it is thebestI'msure it is the most religiousfor I begin with writing the firstsentenceandtrusting to Almighty God for the second.

'Twouldcure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of opening hisstreet-doorand calling in his neighbours and friendsand kinsfolkwiththe deviland all his impswith their hammers and engines& c. only toobservehow one sentence of mine follows anotherand how the plan followsthe whole.

I wish yousaw me half starting out of my chairwith what confidenceas Igrasp theelbow of itI look upcatching the ideaeven sometimes beforeit halfway reaches me

I believein my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intendedforanother man.

Pope andhis Portrait [Vid. Pope's Portrait. ] are fools to meno martyr isever sofull of faith or fireI wish I could say of good works toobut Ihave noZeal orAngerorAnger orZealAnd tillgods and men agree together to call it by the same nametheerrantestTartuffein sciencein politicsor in religionshall neverkindle aspark within meor have a worse wordor a more unkind greetingthan whathe will read in the next chapter.

 ChapterIII.

Bonjour! good morrow! so you have got your cloak on betimes! but 'tisa coldmorningand you judge the matter rightly'tis better to be wellmountedthan go o' footand obstructions in the glands are dangerousAndhow goesit with thy concubinethy wifeand thy little ones o' bothsides? andwhen did you hear from the old gentleman and ladyyour sisterauntuncleand cousinsI hope they have got better of their coldscoughsclapstooth-achesfeversstranguriessciaticasswellingsandsore eyes.

What adevil of an apothecary! to take so much bloodgive such a vilepurgepukepoulticeplaisternight-draughtclysterblister? Andwhyso manygrains of calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of opium! peri-clitatingpardi! the whole family of yefrom head to tailBy my great-auntDinah's old black velvet mask!   I think there is no occasion forit.

Now thisbeing a little bald about the chinby frequently putting off andonbeforeshe was got with child by the coachmannot one of our familywould wearit after.   To cover the Mask afreshwas more than the mask wasworthandto wear a mask which was baldor which could be half seenthroughwas as bad as having no mask at all

This isthe reasonmay it please your reverencesthat in all our numerousfamilyfor these four generationswe count no more than one archbishopaWelchjudgesome three or four aldermenand a single mountebank

In thesixteenth centurywe boast of no less than a dozen alchymists.

 ChapterIV.

'It iswith Love as with Cuckoldom'the suffering party is at least thethirdbutgenerally the last in the house who knows any thing about thematter:  this comesas all the world knowsfrom having half a dozen wordsfor onething; and so longas what in this vessel of the human frameisLovemay beHatredin thatSentiment half a yard higherand NonsensenoMadamnot thereI mean at the part I am now pointing to with myforefingerhowcan we help ourselves?

Of allmortaland immortal men tooif you pleasewho ever soliloquizedupon thismystic subjectmy uncle Toby was the worst fittedto havepush'd hisresearchesthro' such a contention of feelings; and he hadinfalliblylet them all run onas we do worse mattersto see what theywould turnouthad not Bridget's pre-notification of them to SusannahandSusannah'srepeated manifestoes thereupon to all the worldmade itnecessaryfor my uncle Toby to look into the affair.

 ChapterV.

Whyweaversgardenersand gladiatorsor a man with a pined leg[proceedingfrom some ailment in the foot] should ever have had sometendernymph breaking her heart in secret for themare points well anddulysettled and accounted forby ancient and modern physiologists.

Awater-drinkerprovided he is a profess'd oneand does it withoutfraudor covinis precisely in the same predicament:   not thatat first sightthere isany consequenceor show of logic in it'That a rill of coldwaterdribbling through my inward partsshould light up a torch in myJenny's'

Theproposition does not strike one; on the contraryit seems to runoppositeto the natural workings of causes and effects

But itshews the weakness and imbecility of human reason.

'And inperfect good health with it? '

The mostperfectMadamthat friendship herself could wish me

'And drinknothing! nothing but water? '

Impetuousfluid! the moment thou pressest against the flood-gates of thebrainseehow they give way!

In swimsCuriositybeckoning to her damsels to followthey dive into thecenter ofthe current

Fancy sitsmusing upon the bankand with her eyes following the streamturnsstraws and bulrushes into masts and bow-spritsAnd Desirewith vestheld up tothe knee in one handsnatches at themas they swim by herwith theother

O ye waterdrinkers! is it then by this delusive fountainthat ye have sooftengoverned and turn'd this world about like a mill-wheelgrinding thefaces ofthe impotentbepowdering their ribsbepeppering their nosesandchangingsometimes even the very frame and face of nature

If I wasyouquoth YorickI would drink more waterEugeniusAndif Iwas youYorickreplied Eugeniusso would I.

Whichshews they had both read Longinus

For my ownpartI am resolved never to read any book but my ownas longas I live.

 ChapterVI.

I wish myuncle Toby had been a water-drinker; for then the thing had beenaccountedforThat the first moment Widow Wadman saw himshe feltsomethingstirring within her in his favourSomething! something.

Somethingperhaps more than friendshipless than lovesomethingnomatterwhatno matter whereI would not give a single hair off my mule'stailandbe obliged to pluck it off myself [indeed the villain has notmany tospareand is not a little vicious into the bargain]to be let byyourworships into the secret

But thetruth ismy uncle Toby was not a water-drinker; he drank itneitherpure nor mix'dor any howor any whereexcept fortuitously uponsomeadvanced postswhere better liquor was not to be hador during thetime hewas under cure; when the surgeon telling him it would extend thefibresand bring them sooner into contactmy uncle Toby drank it forquietnesssake.

Now as allthe world knowsthat no effect in nature can be producedwithout acauseand as it is as well knownthat my uncle Toby was neithera weaveragardeneror a gladiatorunless as a captainyou will needshave himonebut then he was only a captain of footand besidesthewhole isan equivocationThere is nothing left for us to supposebut thatmy uncleToby's legbut that will avail us little in the presenthypothesisunless it had proceeded from some ailment in the footwhereashis legwas not emaciated from any disorder in his footfor my uncleToby's legwas not emaciated at all.   It was a little stiff and awkwardfrom atotal disuse of itfor the three years he lay confined at myfather'shouse in town; but it was plump and muscularand in all otherrespectsas good and promising a leg as the other.

I declareI do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my lifewheremyunderstanding was more at a loss to make ends meetand torture thechapter Ihad been writingto the service of the chapter following itthan inthe present case:   one would think I took a pleasure in runningintodifficulties of this kindmerely to make fresh experiments ofgettingout of'emInconsiderate soul that thou art!   What! are not theunavoidabledistresses with whichas an author and a manthou art hemm'din onevery side of theeare theyTristramnot sufficientbut thou mustentanglethyself still more?

Is it notenough that thou art in debtand that thou hast ten cart-loadsof thyfifth and sixth volumes [Alluding to the first edition. ] stillstillunsoldand art almost at thy wit's endshow to get them off thyhands?

To thishour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma that thou gattestin skatingagainst the wind in Flanders? and is it but two months agothatin a fitof laughteron seeing a cardinal make water like a quirister[with bothhands] thou brakest a vessel in thy lungswherebyin twohoursthou lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst thou lost as much moredid notthe faculty tell theeit would have amounted to a gallon?

 ChapterVII.

But forheaven's sakelet us not talk of quarts or gallonslet us takethe storystraight before us; it is so nice and intricate a oneit willscarcebear the transposition of a single tittle; andsomehow or otheryou havegot me thrust almost into the middle of it

I beg wemay take more care.

 ChapterVIII.

My uncleToby and the corporal had posted down with so much heat andprecipitationto take possession of the spot of ground we have so oftenspoke ofin order to open their campaign as early as the rest of theallies;that they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of thewholeaffairit was neither a pioneer's spadea pickaxor a shovel

It was abed to lie on:   so that as Shandy-Hall was at that timeunfurnished;and the little inn where poor Le Fever diednot yet built; myuncle Tobywas constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs. Wadman'sfor a nightor twotill corporal Trim [who to the character of an excellent valetgroomcooksempstersurgeonand engineersuper-added that of anexcellentupholsterer too]with the help of a carpenter and a couple oftaylorsconstructed one in my uncle Toby's house.

A daughterof Evefor such was widow Wadmanand 'tis all the character Iintend togive of her

'That shewas a perfect woman' had better be fifty leagues offor inher warmbedor playing with a case-knifeor any thing you pleasethanmake a manthe object of her attentionwhen the house and all thefurnitureis her own.

There isnothing in it out of doors and in broad day-lightwhere a womanhas apowerphysically speakingof viewing a man in more lights than one--but herefor her soulshe can see him in no light without mixingsomethingof her own goods and chattels along with himtill by reiteratedacts ofsuch combinationhe gets foisted into her inventory

And thengood night.

But thisis not matter of System; for I have delivered that abovenor isit matterof Breviaryfor I make no man's creed but my ownnor matter ofFactatleast that I know of; but 'tis matter copulative and introductoryto whatfollows.

 ChapterIX.

I do notspeak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness of themorthestrength of their gussetsbut pray do not night-shifts differ fromday-shiftsas much in this particularas in any thing else in the world;that theyso far exceed the others in lengththat when you are laid downin themthey fall almost as much below the feetas the day-shifts fallshort ofthem?

WidowWadman's night-shifts [as was the mode I suppose in King William'sand QueenAnne's reigns] were cut however after this fashion; and if thefashion ischanged [for in Italy they are come to nothing] so much theworse forthe public; they were two Flemish ells and a half in lengthsothatallowing a moderate woman two ellsshe had half an ell to sparetodo whatshe would with.

Now fromone little indulgence gained after anotherin the many bleak anddecemberleynights of a seven years widow-hoodthings had insensibly cometo thispassand for the two last years had got establish'd into one oftheordinances of the bed-chamberThat as soon as Mrs. Wadman was put tobedandhad got her legs stretched down to the bottom of itof which shealwaysgave Bridget noticeBridgetwith all suitable decorumhavingfirstopen'd the bed-clothes at the feettook hold of the half-ell ofcloth weare speaking ofand having gentlyand with both her handsdrawnitdownwards to its furthest extensionand then contracted it againside-long byfour or five even plaitsshe took a large corking-pin out of hersleeveand with the point directed towards herpinn'd the plaits all fasttogether alittle above the hem; which doneshe tuck'd all in tight at thefeetandwish'd her mistress a good night.

This wasconstantand without any other variation than this; that onshiveringand tempestuous nightswhen Bridget untuck'd the feet of thebed& c.to do thisshe consulted no thermometer but that of her ownpassions;and so performed it standingkneelingor squattingaccordingto thedifferent degrees of faithhopeand charityshe was inand boretowardsher mistress that night.   In every other respectthe etiquettewassacredand might have vied with the most mechanical one of the mostinflexiblebed-chamber in Christendom.

The firstnightas soon as the corporal had conducted my uncle Toby upstairswhich was about tenMrs. Wadman threw herself into her arm-chairandcrossing her left knee with her rightwhich formed a resting-placeforher elbowshe reclin'd her cheek upon the palm of her handand leaningforwardsruminated till midnight upon both sides of the question.

The secondnight she went to her bureauand having ordered Bridget tobring herup a couple of fresh candles and leave them upon the tableshetook outher marriage-settlementand read it over with great devotion:

and thethird night [which was the last of my uncle Toby's stay] whenBridgethad pull'd down the night-shiftand was assaying to stick in thecorkingpin

With akick of both heels at oncebut at the same time the most naturalkick thatcould be kick'd in her situationfor supposing . . . . . . . . . to bethe sun inits meridianit was a north-east kickshe kick'd the pin outof herfingersthe etiquette which hung upon itdowndown it fell to thegroundand was shiver'd into a thousand atoms.

From allwhich it was plain that widow Wadman was in love with my uncleToby.

 ChapterX.

My uncleToby's head at that time was full of other mattersso that it wasnot tillthe demolition of Dunkirkwhen all the other civilities of Europeweresettledthat he found leisure to return this.

This madean armistice [that isspeaking with regard to my uncle Tobybutwithrespect to Mrs. Wadmana vacancy] of almost eleven years.   Butinall casesof this natureas it is the second blowhappen at what distanceof time itwillwhich makes the frayI chuse for that reason to callthese theamours of my uncle Toby with Mrs. Wadmanrather than the amoursof Mrs.Wadman with my uncle Toby.

This isnot a distinction without a difference.

It is notlike the affair of an old hat cock'dand a cock'd old hataboutwhich yourreverences have so often been at odds with one anotherbutthere is adifference here in the nature of things

And let metell yougentrya wide one too.

 ChapterXI.

Now aswidow Wadman did love my uncle Tobyand my uncle Toby did not lovewidowWadmanthere was nothing for widow Wadman to dobut to go on andlove myuncle Tobyor let it alone.

WidowWadman would do neither the one or the other.

Graciousheaven! but I forget I am a little of her temper myself; forwheneverit so falls outwhich it sometimes does about the equinoxesthatan earthlygoddess is so much thisand thatand t'otherthat I cannoteat mybreakfast for herand that she careth not three halfpence whether Ieat mybreakfast or no

Curse onher! and so I send her to Tartaryand from Tartary to Terra delFuogoandso on to the devil:   in shortthere is not an infernal nitchwhere I donot take her divinityship and stick it.

But as theheart is tenderand the passions in these tides ebb and flowten timesin a minuteI instantly bring her back again; and as I do allthings inextremesI place her in the very center of the milky-way

Brightestof stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon some one

The ducetake her and her influence toofor at that word I lose allpatiencemuchgood may it do him! By all that is hirsute and gashly! Icrytaking off my furr'd capand twisting it round my fingerI would notgivesixpence for a dozen such!

But 'tisan excellent cap too [putting it upon my headand pressing itclose tomy ears] and warmand soft; especially if you stroke it therightwaybut alas! that will never be my luck [so here my philosophy isshipwreck'dagain. ]

No; Ishall never have a finger in the pye [so here I break my metaphor] --

Crust andCrumbInside andoutTop andbottomI detest itI hate itI repudiate itI'm sick at thesight ofit

'Tis allpeppergarlickstaragensaltanddevil'sdungby the great arch-cooks of cookswho does nothingI thinkfrommorning to nightbut sit down by the fire-side and inventinflammatorydishes for usI would not touch it for the world

OTristram! Tristram! cried Jenny.

O Jenny!Jenny! replied Iand so went on with the thirty-sixth chapter.

 ChapterXII.

'Not touchit for the world' did I say

LordhowI have heated my imagination with this metaphor!

 ChapterXIII.

Whichshewslet your reverences and worships say what you will of it [foras forthinkingall who do thinkthink pretty much alike both upon it andothermatters] Love is certainlyat least alphabetically speakingone ofthe mostA gitatingBewitchingConfoundedD evilishaffairs of lifethe mostExtravagantFutilitousGalligaskinishHandy-dandyishIracundulous [there is no K to it] andL yricalof all human passions: at the same timethe mostM isgivingNinnyhammeringObstipatingPragmaticalStridulousRidiculousthough by the bye the R should have gone firstBut in short'tis ofsuch a natureas my father once told my uncle Toby upon the closeof a longdissertation upon the subject'You can scarce' said he'combinetwo ideas together upon itbrother Tobywithout an hypallage'What'sthat? cried my uncle Toby.

The cartbefore the horsereplied my father

And whatis he to do there? cried my uncle Toby.

Nothingquoth my fatherbut to get inor let it alone.

Now widowWadmanas I told you beforewould do neither the one or theother.

She stoodhowever ready harnessed and caparisoned at all pointsto watchaccidents.

 ChapterXIV.

The Fateswho certainly all fore-knew of these amours of widow Wadman andmy uncleTobyhadfrom the first creation of matter and motion [and withmorecourtesy than they usually do things of this kind]established suchachain ofcauses and effects hanging so fast to one anotherthat it wasscarcepossible for my uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house in theworldorto have occupied any other garden in Christendombut the veryhouse andgarden which join'd and laid parallel to Mrs. Wadman's; thiswith theadvantage of a thickset arbour in Mrs. Wadman's gardenbutplanted inthe hedge-row of my uncle Toby'sput all the occasions into herhandswhich Love-militancy wanted; she could observe my uncle Toby'smotionsand was mistress likewise of his councils of war; and as hisunsuspectingheart had given leave to the corporalthrough the mediationofBridgetto make her a wicker-gate of communication to enlarge herwalksitenabled her to carry on her approaches to the very door of thesentry-box;and sometimes out of gratitudeto make an attackandendeavourto blow my uncle Toby up in the very sentry-box itself.

 ChapterXV.

It is agreat pitybut 'tis certain from every day's observation of manthat hemay be set on fire like a candleat either endprovided there isasufficient wick standing out; if there is notthere's an end of theaffair;and if there isby lighting it at the bottomas the flame in thatcase hasthe misfortune generally to put out itselfthere's an end of theaffairagain.

For mypartcould I always have the ordering of it which way I would beburntmyselffor I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a beastIwouldoblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top; for then Ishouldburn down decently to the socket; that isfrom my head to my heartfrom myheart to my liverfrom my liver to my bowelsand so on by themeseraickveins and arteriesthrough all the turns and lateral insertionsof theintestines and their tunicles to the blind gut

I beseechyoudoctor Slopquoth my uncle Tobyinterrupting him as hementionedthe blind gutin a discourse with my father the night my motherwasbrought to bed of meI beseech youquoth my uncle Tobyto tell mewhich isthe blind gut; forold as I amI vow I do not know to this daywhere itlies.

The blindgutanswered doctor Sloplies betwixt the Ilion and Colon

In a man?said my father.

'Tisprecisely the samecried doctor Slopin a woman.

That'smore than I know; quoth my father.

 ChapterXVI.

And so tomake sure of both systemsMrs. Wadman predetermined to lightmy uncleToby neither at this end or that; butlike a prodigal's candleto lighthimif possibleat both ends at once.

Nowthrough all the lumber rooms of military furnitureincluding both ofhorse andfootfrom the great arsenal of Venice to the Tower of London[exclusive]if Mrs. Wadman had been rummaging for seven years togetherand withBridget to help hershe could not have found any one blind ormanteletso fit for her purposeas that which the expediency of my uncleToby'saffairs had fix'd up ready to her hands.

I believeI have not told youbut I don't knowpossibly I havebe it asit will'tis one of the number of those many thingswhich a man hadbetter doover againthan dispute about itThat whatever town or fortressthecorporal was at work uponduring the course of their campaignmyuncle Tobyalways took careon the inside of his sentry-boxwhich wastowardshis left handto have a plan of the placefasten'd up with two orthree pinsat the topbut loose at the bottomfor the conveniency ofholding itup to the eye& c. . . as occasions required; so that when anattack wasresolved uponMrs. Wadman had nothing more to dowhen she hadgotadvanced to the door of the sentry-boxbut to extend her right hand;and edgingin her left foot at the same movementto take hold of the mapor planor uprightor whatever it wasand with out-stretched neckmeeting ithalf wayto advance it towards her; on which my uncle Toby'spassionswere sure to catch firefor he would instantly take hold of theothercorner of the map in his left handand with the end of his pipe inthe otherbegin an explanation.

When theattack was advanced to this point; the world will naturally enterinto thereasons of Mrs. Wadman's next stroke of generalshipwhich wastotake myuncle Toby's tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possiblycould;whichunder one pretence or otherbut generally that of pointingmoredistinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the mapshe would effectbefore myuncle Toby [poor soul! ] had well march'd above half a dozentoiseswith it.

It obligedmy uncle Toby to make use of his forefinger.

Thedifference it made in the attack was this; That in going upon itasinthe firstcasewith the end of her fore-finger against the end of my uncleToby'stobacco-pipeshe might have travelled with italong the linesfrom Danto Beershebahad my uncle Toby's lines reach'd so farwithoutanyeffect:   For as there was no arterial or vital heat in the endof thetobacco-pipeit could excite no sentimentit could neither give fire bypulsationorreceive it by sympathy'twas nothing but smoke.

Whereasin following my uncle Toby's forefinger with hersclose thro' allthe littleturns and indentings of his workspressing sometimes againstthe sideof itthen treading upon its nailthen tripping it upthentouchingit herethen thereand so onit set something at least inmotion.

Thistho'slight skirmishingand at a distance from the main bodyyetdrew onthe rest; for herethe map usually falling with the back of itclose tothe side of the sentry-boxmy uncle Tobyin the simplicity ofhis soulwould lay his hand flat upon itin order to go on with hisexplanation;and Mrs. Wadmanby a manoeuvre as quick as thoughtwould ascertainlyplace her's close beside it; this at once opened a communicationlargeenough for any sentiment to pass or re-passwhich a person skill'din theelementary and practical part of love-makinghas occasion for

Bybringing up her forefinger parallel [as before] to my uncle Toby'situnavoidablybrought the thumb into actionand the forefinger and thumbbeing onceengagedas naturally brought in the whole hand.   ThinedearuncleToby! was never now in 'ts right placeMrs. Wadman had it ever totake uporwith the gentlest pushingsprotrusionsand equivocalcompressionsthat a hand to be removed is capable of receivingto get itpress'd ahair breadth of one side out of her way.

Whilstthis was doinghow could she forget to make him sensiblethat itwas herleg [and no one's else] at the bottom of the sentry-boxwhichslightlypress'd against the calf of hisSo that my uncle Toby being thusattack'dand sore push'd on both his wingswas it a wonderif now andthenitput his centre into disorder?

The ducetake it! said my uncle Toby.

 ChapterXVII.

Theseattacks of Mrs. Wadmanyou will readily conceive to be of differentkinds;varying from each otherlike the attacks which history is full ofand fromthe same reasons.   A general looker-on would scarce allow themtobe attacksat allor if he didwould confound them all togetherbut Iwrite notto them:   it will be time enough to be a little more exact in mydescriptionsof themas I come up to themwhich will not be for somechapters;having nothing more to add in thisbut that in a bundle oforiginalpapers and drawings which my father took care to roll up bythemselvesthere is a plan of Bouchain in perfect preservation [and shallbe keptsowhilst I have power to preserve any thing]upon the lowercorner ofwhichon the right hand sidethere is still remaining the marksof asnuffy finger and thumbwhich there is all the reason in the worldtoimaginewere Mrs. Wadman's; for the opposite side of the marginwhich Isuppose tohave been my uncle Toby'sis absolutely clean:   This seems anauthenticatedrecord of one of these attacks; for there are vestigia of thetwopunctures partly grown upbut still visible on the opposite cornerofthe mapwhich are unquestionably the very holesthrough which it has beenpricked upin the sentry-box

By allthat is priestly! I value this precious relickwith its stigmataandpricksmore than all the relicks of the Romish churchalwaysexceptingwhen I am writing upon these mattersthe pricks which enteredthe fleshof St. Radagunda in the desertwhich in your road from Fesse toClunythenuns of that name will shew you for love.

 ChapterXVIII.

I thinkan' please your honourquoth Trimthe fortifications are quitedestroyedandthe bason is upon a level with the moleI think so too;replied myuncle Toby with a sigh half suppress'dbut step into theparlourTrimfor the stipulationit lies upon the table.

It haslain there these six weeksreplied the corporaltill this verymorningthat the old woman kindled the fire with it

Thensaidmy uncle Tobythere is no further occasion for our services.

The morean' please your honourthe pitysaid the corporal; in utteringwhich hecast his spade into the wheel-barrowwhich was beside himwithan air themost expressive of disconsolation that can be imaginedand washeavilyturning about to look for his pickaxhis pioneer's shovelhispicquetsand other little military storesin order to carry them off thefieldwhena heigh-ho! from the sentry-boxwhich being made of thin slitdealreverberated the sound more sorrowfully to his earforbad him.

No; saidthe corporal to himselfI'll do it before his honour rises to-morrowmorning; so taking his spade out of the wheel-barrow againwith alittleearth in itas if to level something at the foot of the glacisbutwith areal intent to approach nearer to his masterin order to diverthimheloosen'd a sod or twopared their edges with his spadeand havinggiven thema gentle blow or two with the back of ithe sat himself downclose bymy uncle Toby's feet and began as follows.

 ChapterXIX.

It was athousand pitiesthough I believean' please your honourI amgoing tosay but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldier

A soldiercried my uncle Tobyinterrupting the corporalis no moreexemptfrom saying a foolish thingTrimthan a man of lettersBut not sooftenan'please your honourreplied the corporalmy uncle Toby gave anod.

It was athousand pities thensaid the corporalcasting his eye uponDunkirkand the moleas Servius Sulpiciusin returning out of Asia [whenhe sailedfrom Aegina towards Megara]did upon Corinth and Pyreus

'It was athousand pitiesan' please your honourto destroy theseworksand athousand pities to have let them stood. '

Thou artrightTrimin both cases; said my uncle Toby. Thiscontinuedthecorporalis the reasonthat from the beginning of their demolitiontothe endIhave never once whistledor sungor laugh'dor cry'dortalk'd ofpast done deedsor told your honour one story good or bad

Thou hastmany excellenciesTrimsaid my uncle Tobyand I hold it notthe leastof themas thou happenest to be a story-tellerthat of thenumberthou hast told meeither to amuse me in my painful hoursor divertme in mygrave onesthou hast seldom told me a bad one

Becausean' please your honourexcept one of a King of Bohemia and hissevencastlesthey are all true; for they are about myself

I do notlike the subject the worseTrimsaid my uncle Tobyon thatscore:  But prithee what is this story? thou hast excited my curiosity.

I'll tellit your honourquoth the corporaldirectlyProvidedsaid myuncleTobylooking earnestly towards Dunkirk and the mole againprovidedit is nota merry one; to suchTrima man should ever bring one half oftheentertainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at presentwouldwrong both theeTrimand thy storyIt is not a merry one by anymeansreplied the corporalNor would I have it altogether a grave oneadded myuncle TobyIt is neither the one nor the otherreplied thecorporalbut will suit your honour exactlyThen I'll thank thee for itwith allmy heartcried my uncle Toby; so prithee begin itTrim.

Thecorporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a matter asthe worldimaginesto pull off a lank Montero-cap with graceor a whitlessdifficultin my conceptionswhen a man is sitting squat upon thegroundtomake a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont; yetbysuffering the palm of his right handwhich was towards his mastertoslipbackwards upon the grassa little beyond his bodyin order to allowit thegreater sweepand by an unforced compressionat the same timeofhis capwith the thumb and the two forefingers of his leftby which thediameterof the cap became reducedso that it might be saidrather to beinsensiblysqueez'dthan pull'd off with a flatusthe corporal acquittedhimself ofboth in a better manner than the posture of his affairspromised;and having hemmed twiceto find in what key his story would bestgoandbest suit his master's humourhe exchanged a single look ofkindnesswith himand set off thus.

The Storyof the King of Bohemia

and HisSeven Castles.

There wasa certain king of Bo. . he-

As thecorporal was entering the confines of Bohemiamy uncle Toby obligedhim tohalt for a single moment; he had set out bare-headedhavingsincehe pull'doff his Montero-cap in the latter end of the last chapterleftit lyingbeside him on the ground.

The eye ofGoodness espieth all thingsso that before the corporal hadwell gotthrough the first five words of his storyhad my uncle Toby twicetouch'dhis Montero-cap with the end of his caneinterrogativelyas muchas to sayWhy don't you put it onTrim? Trim took it up with the mostrespectfulslownessand casting a glance of humiliation as he did itupontheembroidery of the fore-partwhich being dismally tarnish'd andfray'dmoreoverin some of the principal leaves and boldest parts of the patternhe lay'dit down again between his two feetin order to moralize upon thesubject.

'Tis everyword of it but too truecried my uncle Tobythat thou artabout toobserve

'Nothingin this worldTrimis made to last for ever. '

But whentokensdear Tomof thy love and remembrance wear outsaidTrimwhatshall we say?

There isno occasionTrimquoth my uncle Tobyto say any thing else; andwas a manto puzzle his brains till Doom's dayI believeTrimit wouldbeimpossible.

Thecorporalperceiving my uncle Toby was in the rightand that itwouldbe in vainfor the wit of man to think of extracting a purer moral from hiscapwithout further attempting ithe put it on; and passing his handacross hisforehead to rub out a pensive wrinklewhich the text and thedoctrinebetween them had engender'dhe return'dwith the same look andtone ofvoiceto his story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles.

The Storyof the King of Bohemia and

His SevenCastlesContinued.

There wasa certain king of Bohemiabut in whose reignexcept his ownIam notable to inform your honour

I do notdesire it of theeTrimby any meanscried my uncle Toby.

It was alittle before the timean' please your honourwhen giants werebeginningto leave off breeding: but in what year of our Lord that was

I wouldnot give a halfpenny to knowsaid my uncle Toby.

Onlyan'please your honourit makes a story look the better in theface

'Tis thyownTrimso ornament it after thy own fashion; and take anydatecontinued my uncle Tobylooking pleasantly upon himtake any datein thewhole world thou chusestand put it tothou art heartily welcome

Thecorporal bowed; for of every centuryand of every year of thatcenturyfrom the first creation of the world down to Noah's flood; andfromNoah's flood to the birth of Abraham; through all the pilgrimages ofthepatriarchsto the departure of the Israelites out of Egyptandthroughoutall the DynastiesOlympiadsUrbeconditasand other memorableepochas ofthe different nations of the worlddown to the coming ofChristand from thence to the very moment in which the corporal wastellinghis storyhad my uncle Toby subjected this vast empire of time andall itsabysses at his feet; but as Modesty scarce touches with a fingerwhatLiberality offers her with both hands openthe corporal contentedhimselfwith the very worst year of the whole bunch; whichto prevent yourhonours ofthe Majority and Minority from tearing the very flesh off yourbones incontestation'Whether that year is not always the last cast-yearof thelast cast-almanack'I tell you plainly it was; but from a differentreasonthan you wot of

It was theyear next himwhich being the year of our Lord seventeenhundredand twelvewhen the Duke of Ormond was playing the devil inFlandersthecorporal took itand set out with it afresh on hisexpeditionto Bohemia.

The Storyof the King of Bohemia andHis SevenCastlesContinued.

In theyear of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelvethere wasan' pleaseyour honour

To tellthee trulyTrimquoth my uncle Tobyany other date would havepleased memuch betternot only on account of the sad stain upon ourhistorythat yearin marching off our troopsand refusing to cover thesiege ofQuesnoithough Fagel was carrying on the works with suchincrediblevigourbut likewise on the scoreTrimof thy own story;because ifthere areand whichfrom what thou hast droptI partlysuspect tobe the factif there are giants in it

There isbut onean' please your honour

'Tis asbad as twentyreplied my uncle Tobythou should'st have carriedhim backsome seven or eight hundred years out of harm's wayboth ofcriticsand other people:   and therefore I would advise theeif everthoutellest itagain

If I livean' please your honourbut once to get through itI willnever tellit againquoth Trimeither to manwomanor childPoopoo!said myuncle Tobybut with accents of such sweet encouragement did heutter itthat the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity thanever.

The Storyof the King of Bohemia and

His SevenCastlesContinued.

There wasan' please your honoursaid the corporalraising his voice andrubbingthe palms of his two hands cheerily together as he beguna certainking ofBohemia

Leave outthe date entirelyTrimquoth my uncle Tobyleaning forwardsand layinghis hand gently upon the corporal's shoulder to temper theinterruptionleaveit out entirelyTrim; a story passes very well withoutthesenicetiesunless one is pretty sure of 'emSure of 'em! said thecorporalshaking his head

Right;answered my uncle Tobyit is not easyTrimfor onebred up asthou and Ihave been to armswho seldom looks further forward than to theend of hismusketor backwards beyond his knapsackto know much aboutthismatterGod bless your honour! said the corporalwon by the manner ofmy uncleToby's reasoningas much as by the reasoning itselfhe hassomethingelse to do; if not on actionor a marchor upon duty in hisgarrisonhehas his firelockan' please your honourto furbishhisaccoutrementsto take care ofhis regimentals to mendhimself to shaveand keepcleanso as to appear always like what he is upon the parade;whatbusinessadded the corporal triumphantlyhas a soldieran' pleaseyourhonourto know any thing at all of geography?

Thouwould'st have said chronologyTrimsaid my uncle Toby; for as forgeography'tis of absolute use to him; he must be acquainted intimatelywith everycountry and its boundaries where his profession carries him; heshouldknow every town and cityand village and hamletwith the canalsthe roadsand hollow ways which lead up to them; there is not a river or arivulet hepassesTrimbut he should be able at first sight to tell theewhat isits namein what mountains it takes its risewhat is its coursehow far itis navigablewhere fordablewhere not; he should know thefertilityof every valleyas well as the hind who ploughs it; and be abletodescribeorif it is requiredto give thee an exact map of all theplains anddefilesthe fortsthe acclivitiesthe woods and morassesthro' andby which his army is to march; he should know their producetheirplantstheir mineralstheir waterstheir animalstheir seasonstheirclimatestheir heats and coldtheir inhabitantstheir customstheirlanguagetheir policyand even their religion.

Is it elseto be conceivedcorporalcontinued my uncle Tobyrising up inhissentry-boxas he began to warm in this part of his discoursehowMarlboroughcould have marched his army from the banks of the Maes toBelburg;from Belburg to Kerpenord [here the corporal could sit no longer]fromKerpenordTrimto Kalsaken; from Kalsaken to Newdorf; from NewdorftoLandenbourg; from Landenbourg to Mildenheim; from Mildenheim toElchingen;from Elchingen to Gingen; from Gingen to Balmerchoffen; fromBalmerchoffento Skellenburgwhere he broke in upon the enemy's works;forced hispassage over the Danube; cross'd the Lechpush'd on his troopsinto theheart of the empiremarching at the head of them throughFribourgHokenwertand Schoneveltto the plains of Blenheim andHochstet? Greatas he wascorporalhe could not have advanced a stepormade onesingle day's march without the aids of Geography. As forChronologyI ownTrimcontinued my uncle Tobysitting down again coollyin hissentry-boxthat of all othersit seems a science which the soldiermight bestsparewas it not for the lights which that science must one daygive himin determining the invention of powder; the furious execution ofwhichrenversing every thing like thunder before ithas become a new aerato us ofmilitary improvementschanging so totally the nature of attacksanddefences both by sea and landand awakening so much art and skill indoing itthat the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precisetime ofits discoveryor too inquisitive in knowing what great man was thediscovererand what occasions gave birth to it.

I am farfrom controvertingcontinued my uncle Tobywhat historians agreeinthatin the year of our Lord 1380under the reign of Wencelausson ofCharlesthe Fourtha certain priestwhose name was Schwartzshew'd theuse ofpowder to the Venetiansin their wars against the Genoese; but 'tiscertain hewas not the first; because if we are to believe Don Pedrothebishop ofLeonHow came priests and bishopsan' please your honourtotroubletheir heads so much about gun-powder?   God knowssaid my uncleTobyhisprovidence brings good out of every thingand he aversin hischronicleof King Alphonsuswho reduced ToledoThat in the year 1343which wasfull thirty-seven years before that timethe secret of powderwas wellknownand employed with successboth by Moors and Christiansnot onlyin their sea-combatsat that periodbut in many of their mostmemorablesieges in Spain and BarbaryAnd all the world knowsthat FriarBacon hadwrote expressly about itand had generously given the world areceipt tomake it byabove a hundred and fifty years before even SchwartzwasbornAnd that the Chineseadded my uncle Tobyembarrass usand allaccountsof itstill moreby boasting of the invention some hundreds ofyears evenbefore him

They are apack of liarsI believecried Trim

They aresomehow or other deceivedsaid my uncle Tobyin this matteras isplain to me from the present miserable state of military architectureamongstthem; which consists of nothing more than a fosse with a brick wallwithoutflanksand for what they gave us as a bastion at each angle of it'tis sobarbarously constructedthat it looks for all the worldLike oneof myseven castlesan' please your honourquoth Trim.

My uncleTobytho' in the utmost distress for a comparisonmostcourteouslyrefused Trim's offertill Trim telling himhe had half adozen morein Bohemiawhich he knew not how to get off his handsmy uncleToby wasso touch'd with the pleasantry of heart of the corporalthat hediscontinuedhis dissertation upon gun-powderand begged the corporalforthwithto go on with his story of the King of Bohemia and his sevencastles.

The Storyof the King of Bohemia

and HisSeven CastlesContinued.

Thisunfortunate King of Bohemiasaid TrimWas he unfortunatethen?cried myuncle Tobyfor he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upongun-powderand other military affairsthat tho' he had desired thecorporalto go onyet the many interruptions he had givendwelt not sostrongupon his fancy as to account for the epithetWas he unfortunatethenTrim? said my uncle TobypatheticallyThe corporalwishing firstthe wordand all its synonimas at the devilforthwith began to run back inhis mindthe principal events in the King of Bohemia's story; from everyone ofwhichit appearing that he was the most fortunate man that everexisted inthe worldit put the corporal to a stand:   for not caring toretracthis epithetand less to explain itand least of allto twist histale [likemen of lore] to serve a systemhe looked up in my uncle Toby'sface forassistancebut seeing it was the very thing my uncle Toby sat inexpectationof himselfafter a hum and a hawhe went on

The Kingof Bohemiaan' please your honourreplied the corporalwasunfortunateas thusThat taking great pleasure and delight in navigationand allsort of sea affairsand there happening throughout the wholekingdom ofBohemiato be no sea-port town whatever

How theduce should thereTrim? cried my uncle Toby; for Bohemia beingtotallyinlandit could have happen'd no otherwiseIt mightsaid Trimif it hadpleased God

My uncleToby never spoke of the being and natural attributes of Godbutwithdiffidence and hesitation

I believenotreplied my uncle Tobyafter some pausefor being inlandas I saidand having Silesia and Moravia to the east; Lusatia and UpperSaxony tothe north; Franconia to the west; and Bavaria to the south;Bohemiacould not have been propell'd to the sea without ceasing to beBohemianorcould the seaon the other handhave come up to Bohemiawithoutoverflowing a great part of Germanyand destroying millions ofunfortunateinhabitants who could make no defence against itScandalous!criedTrimWhich would bespeakadded my uncle Tobymildlysuch a wantofcompassion in him who is the father of itthatI thinkTrimthethingcould have happen'd no way.

Thecorporal made the bow of unfeign'd conviction; and went on.

Now theKing of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one finesummer'sevening to walk outAye! there the word happening is rightTrimcried myuncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and his queen might havewalk'd outor let it alone: 'twas a matter of contingencywhich mighthappenornotjust as chance ordered it.

KingWilliam was of an opinionan' please your honourquoth Trimthateverything was predestined for us in this world; insomuchthat he wouldoften sayto his soldiersthat 'every ball had its billet. '  He was agreat mansaid my uncle TobyAnd I believecontinued Trimto this daythat theshot which disabled me at the battle of Landenwas pointed at myknee forno other purposebut to take me out of his serviceand place mein yourhonour'swhere I should be taken so much better care of in my oldageItshall neverTrimbe construed otherwisesaid my uncle Toby.

The heartboth of the master and the manwere alike subject to suddenover-flowings; ashort silence ensued.

Besidessaid the corporalresuming the discoursebut in a gayer accentif it hadnot been for that single shotI had never'an please yourhonourbeen in love

Sothouwast once in loveTrim! said my uncle Tobysmiling

Souse!replied the corporalover head and ears! an' please your honour.

Pritheewhen? where? and how came it to pass? I never heard one word ofit before;quoth my uncle Toby: I dare sayanswered Trimthat everydrummerand serjeant's son in the regiment knew of itIt's high time Ishouldsaidmy uncle Toby.

Yourhonour remembers with concernsaid the corporalthe total rout andconfusionof our camp and army at the affair of Landen; every one was leftto shiftfor himself; and if it had not been for the regiments of WyndhamLumleyand Galwaywhich covered the retreat over the bridge Neerspeekenthe kinghimself could scarce have gained ithe was press'd hardas yourhonourknowson every side of him

Gallantmortal! cried my uncle Tobycaught up with enthusiasmthismomentnow that all is lostI see him galloping across mecorporaltothe leftto bring up the remains of the English horse along with him tosupportthe rightand tear the laurel from Luxembourg's browsif yet 'tispossibleIsee him with the knot of his scarfe just shot offinfusingfreshspirits into poor Galway's regimentriding along the linethenwheelingaboutand charging Conti at the head of itBravebravebyheaven!cried my uncle Tobyhe deserves a crownAs richlyas a thief ahalter;shouted Trim.

My uncleToby knew the corporal's loyalty; otherwise the comparison wasnot at allto his mindit did not altogether strike the corporal's fancywhen hehad made itbut it could not be recall'dso he had nothing to dobutproceed.

As thenumber of wounded was prodigiousand no one had time to think ofany thingbut his own safetyThough Talmashsaid my uncle Tobybroughtoff thefoot with great prudenceBut I was left upon the fieldsaid thecorporal.  Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle TobySo that it wasnoon thenext daycontinued the corporalbefore I was exchangedand putinto acart with thirteen or fourteen morein order to be convey'd to ourhospital.

There isno part of the bodyan' please your honourwhere a woundoccasionsmore intolerable anguish than upon the knee

Except thegroin; said my uncle Toby.   An' please your honourreplied thecorporalthe kneein my opinionmust certainly be the most acutetherebeing somany tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems all about it.

It is forthat reasonquoth my uncle Tobythat the groin is infinitelymoresensiblethere being not only as many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems[for Iknow their names as little as thou dost] about itbut moreover. . .

Mrs.Wadmanwho had been all the time in her arbourinstantly stopp'd herbreathunpinn'dher mob at the chinand stood upon one leg

Thedispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncleToby andTrim for some time; till Trim at length recollecting that he hadoftencried at his master's sufferingsbut never shed a tear at his ownwas forgiving up the pointwhich my uncle Toby would not allow'Tis aproof ofnothingTrimsaid hebut the generosity of thy temper

So thatwhether the pain of a wound in the groin [caeteris paribus] isgreaterthan the pain of a wound in the kneeor

Whetherthe pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of awound inthe groinare points which to this day remain unsettled.

 ChapterXX.

Theanguish of my kneecontinued the corporalwas excessive in itself;and theuneasiness of the cartwith the roughness of the roadswhich wereterriblycut upmaking bad still worseevery step was death to me:   sothat withthe loss of bloodand the want of care-taking of meand a feverI feltcoming on besides [Poor soul! said my uncle Toby] all togetheran' pleaseyour honourwas more than I could sustain.

I wastelling my sufferings to a young woman at a peasant's housewhereour cartwhich was the last of the linehad halted; they had help'd meinandthe young woman had taken a cordial out of her pocket and dropp'dit uponsome sugarand seeing it had cheer'd meshe had given it me asecond anda third timeSo I was telling heran' please your honourtheanguish Iwas inand was saying it was so intolerable to methat I hadmuchrather lie down upon the bedturning my face towards one which wasinthe cornerof the roomand diethan go onwhenupon her attempting tolead me toitI fainted away in her arms.   She was a good soul! as yourhonoursaid the corporalwiping his eyeswill hear.

I thoughtlove had been a joyous thingquoth my uncle Toby.

'Tis themost serious thingan' please your honour [sometimes]that is inthe world.

By thepersuasion of the young womancontinued the corporalthe cart withthewounded men set off without me:   she had assured them I shouldexpireimmediatelyif I was put into the cart.   So when I came to myselfI foundmyself ina still quiet cottagewith no one but the young womanand thepeasantand his wife.   I was laid across the bed in the corner of theroomwith mywounded leg upon a chairand the young woman beside meholdingthe cornerof her handkerchief dipp'd in vinegar to my nose with one handandrubbing my temples with the other.

I took herat first for the daughter of the peasant [for it was no inn] sohadoffer'd her a little purse with eighteen florinswhich my poorbrotherTom [hereTrim wip'd his eyes] had sent me as a tokenby a recruitjustbefore heset out for Lisbon

I nevertold your honour that piteous story yethere Trim wiped his eyesa thirdtime.

The youngwoman call'd the old man and his wife into the roomto shew themthe moneyin order to gain me credit for a bed and what little necessariesI shouldwanttill I should be in a condition to be got to the hospitalCome then!said shetying up the little purseI'll be your bankerbut asthatoffice alone will not keep me employ'dI'll be your nurse too.

I thoughtby her manner of speaking thisas well as by her dresswhich Ithen beganto consider more attentivelythat the young woman could not bethedaughter of the peasant.

She was inblack down to her toeswith her hair conceal'd under a cambricborderlaid close to her forehead:   she was one of those kind of nunsan'pleaseyour honourof whichyour honour knowsthere are a good many inFlanderswhich they let go looseBy thy descriptionTrimsaid my uncleTobyIdare say she was a young Beguineof which there are none to befound anywhere but in the Spanish Netherlandsexcept at Amsterdamtheydifferfrom nuns in thisthat they can quit their cloister if they chooseto marry;they visit and take care of the sick by professionI had ratherfor my ownpartthey did it out of good-nature.

She oftentold mequoth Trimshe did it for the love of ChristI didnot likeit. I believeTrimwe are both wrongsaid my uncle Tobywe'llask Mr.Yorick about it to-night at my brother Shandy'sso put me in mind;added myuncle Toby.

The youngBeguinecontinued the corporalhad scarce given herself time totell me'she would be my nurse' when she hastily turned about to begin theoffice ofoneand prepare something for meand in a short timethough Ithought ita long oneshe came back with flannels& c. & c. and havingfomentedmy knee soundly for a couple of hours& c. and made me a thinbason ofgruel for my suppershe wish'd me restand promised to be withme earlyin the morning. She wish'd mean' please your honourwhat wasnot to behad.   My fever ran very high that nighther figure made saddisturbancewithin meI was every moment cutting the world in twoto giveher halfof itand every moment was I cryingThat I had nothing but aknapsackand eighteen florins to share with herThe whole night long wasthe fairBeguinelike an angelclose by my bed-sideholding back mycurtainand offering me cordialsand I was only awakened from my dream byher comingthere at the hour promisedand giving them in reality.   Intruthshewas scarce ever from me; and so accustomed was I to receive lifefrom herhandsthat my heart sickenedand I lost colour when she left theroom:  and yetcontinued the corporal [making one of the strangestreflectionsupon it in the world]'It wasnot love'for during the three weeks she was almost constantlywith mefomenting my knee with her handnight and dayI can honestlysayan'please your honourthat. . . once.

That wasvery oddTrimquoth my uncle Toby.

I think sotoosaid Mrs. Wadman.

It neverdidsaid the corporal.

 ChapterXXI.

But 'tisno marvelcontinued the corporalseeing my uncle Toby musingupon itforLovean' please your honouris exactly like warin this;that asoldierthough he has escaped three weeks complete o'Saturdaynightmaynevertheless be shot through his heart on Sunday morningIthappenedso herean' please your honourwith this difference onlythatit was onSunday in the afternoonwhen I fell in love all at once with asisseraraItburst upon mean' please your honourlike a bombscarcegiving metime to say'God bless me. '

I thoughtTrimsaid my uncle Tobya man never fell in love so verysuddenly.

Yesan'please your honourif he is in the way of itreplied Trim.

I pritheequoth my uncle Tobyinform me how this matter happened.

With allpleasuresaid the corporalmaking a bow.

 ChapterXXII.

I hadescapedcontinued the corporalall that time from falling in loveand hadgone on to the end of the chapterhad it not been predestinedotherwisethereis no resisting our fate.

It was ona Sundayin the afternoonas I told your honour.

The oldman and his wife had walked out

Everything was still and hush as midnight about the house

There wasnot so much as a duck or a duckling about the yard

When thefair Beguine came in to see me.

My woundwas then in a fair way of doing wellthe inflammation had beengone offfor some timebut it was succeeded with an itching both above andbelow mykneeso insufferablethat I had not shut my eyes the whole nightfor it.

Let me seeitsaid shekneeling down upon the ground parallel to my kneeand layingher hand upon the part below itit only wants rubbing a littlesaid theBeguine; so covering it with the bed-clothesshe began with thefore-fingerof her right hand to rub under my kneeguiding her fore-fingerbackwardsand forwards by the edge of the flannel which kept on thedressing.

In five orsix minutes I felt slightly the end of her second fingerandpresentlyit was laid flat with the otherand she continued rubbing inthat wayround and round for a good while; it then came into my headthatI shouldfall in loveI blush'd when I saw how white a hand she hadIshallneveran' please your honourbehold another hand so white whilst Ilive

Not inthat placesaid my uncle Toby

Though itwas the most serious despair in nature to the corporalhe couldnotforbear smiling.

The youngBeguinecontinued the corporalperceiving it was of greatservice tomefrom rubbing for some timewith two fingersproceeded torub atlengthwith threetill by little and little she brought down thefourthand then rubb'd with her whole hand:   I will never say anotherwordan'please your honourupon hands againbut it was softer thansattin

PritheeTrimcommend it as much as thou wiltsaid my uncle Toby; Ishall hearthy story with the more delightThe corporal thank'd his mastermostunfeignedly; but having nothing to say upon the Beguine's hand butthesame overagainhe proceeded to the effects of it.

The fairBeguinesaid the corporalcontinued rubbing with her whole handunder mykneetill I fear'd her zeal would weary her'I would do athousandtimes more' said she'for the love of Christ'In saying whichshe pass'dher hand across the flannelto the part above my kneewhich Ihadequally complain'd ofand rubb'd it also.

Iperceiv'dthenI was beginning to be in love

As shecontinued rub-rub-rubbingI felt it spread from under her handan'pleaseyour honourto every part of my frame

The moreshe rubb'dand the longer strokes she tookthe more the firekindled inmy veinstill at lengthby two or three strokes longer thanthe restmypassion rose to the highest pitchI seiz'd her hand

And thenthou clapped'st it to thy lipsTrimsaid my uncle Tobyandmadest aspeech.

Whetherthe corporal's amour terminated precisely in the way my uncle Tobydescribeditis not material; it is enough that it contained in it theessence ofall the love romances which ever have been wrote since thebeginningof the world.

 ChapterXXIII.

As soon asthe corporal had finished the story of his amouror rather myuncle Tobyfor himMrs. Wadman silently sallied forth from her arbourreplacedthe pin in her mobpass'd the wicker gateand advanced slowlytowards myuncle Toby's sentry-box:   the disposition which Trim had made inmy uncleToby's mindwas too favourable a crisis to be let slipp'd

The attackwas determin'd upon:   it was facilitated still more by myuncleToby's having ordered the corporal to wheel off the pioneer's shovelthe spadethe pick-axethe picquetsand other military stores which layscatter'dupon the ground where Dunkirk stoodThe corporal had march'dthe fieldwas clear.

Nowconsidersirwhat nonsense it iseither in fightingor writingorany thingelse [whether in rhyme to itor not] which a man has occasion todoto actby plan:   for if ever Planindependent of all circumstancesdeservedregistering in letters of gold [I mean in the archives of Gotham] --it wascertainly the Plan of Mrs. Wadman's attack of my uncle Toby in hissentry-boxBy PlanNow the plan hanging up in it at this juncturebeingthe Planof Dunkirkand the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxationitopposedevery impression she could make:   and besidescould she havegoneupon itthemanoeuvre of fingers and hands in the attack of the sentry-boxwas sooutdone by that of the fair Beguine'sin Trim's storythatjust thenthat particular attackhowever successful beforebecame themostheartless attack that could be made

O! letwoman alone for this.   Mrs. Wadman had scarce open'd the wicker-gatewhenher genius sported with the change of circumstances.

She formeda new attack in a moment.

 ChapterXXIV.

I am halfdistractedcaptain Shandysaid Mrs. Wadmanholding up hercambrickhandkerchief to her left eyeas she approach'd the door of myuncleToby's sentry-boxa moteor sandor somethingI know not whathas gotinto this eye of minedo look into itit is not in the white

In sayingwhichMrs. Wadman edged herself close in beside my uncle Tobyandsqueezing herself down upon the corner of his benchshe gave him anopportunityof doing it without rising upDo look into itsaid she.

Honestsoul! thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heartasever childlook'd into a raree-shew-box; and 'twere as much a sin to havehurt thee.

If a manwill be peeping of his own accord into things of that natureI'venothing to say to it

My uncleToby never did:   and I will answer for himthat he would havesatquietlyupon a sofa from June to January [whichyou knowtakes in boththe hotand cold months]with an eye as fine as the Thracian Rodope's[RodopeThracia tam inevitabili fascino instructatam exacte oculusintuensattraxitut si in illam quis incidissetfieri non possetquincaperetur. Iknow not who. ] besides himwithout being able to tellwhether itwas a black or blue one.

Thedifficulty was to get my uncle Tobyto look at one at all.

'Tissurmounted.   And

I see himyonder with his pipe pendulous in his handand the ashes fallingout ofitlookingand lookingthen rubbing his eyesand looking againwith twicethe good-nature that ever Galileo look'd for a spot in the sun.

In vain!for by all the powers which animate the organWidow Wadman'sleft eyeshines this moment as lucid as her rightthere is neither moteor sandor dustor chaffor speckor particle of opake matter floatingin itThereis nothingmy dear paternal uncle! but one lambent deliciousfirefurtively shooting out from every part of itin all directionsintothine

If thoulookestuncle Tobyin search of this mote one moment longerthou artundone.

 ChapterXXV.

An eye isfor all the world exactly like a cannonin this respect; That itis not somuch the eye or the cannonin themselvesas it is the carriageof theeyeand the carriage of the cannonby which both the one and theother areenabled to do so much execution.   I don't think the comparison abad one:  Howeveras 'tis made and placed at the head of the chapterasmuch foruse as ornamentall I desire in returnisthat whenever I speakof Mrs.Wadman's eyes [except once in the next period]that you keep it inyourfancy.

I protestMadamsaid my uncle TobyI can see nothing whatever in youreye.

It is notin the white; said Mrs Wadman:   my uncle Toby look'd with mightand maininto the pupil

Now of allthe eyes which ever were createdfrom your ownMadamup tothose ofVenus herselfwhich certainly were as venereal a pair of eyes asever stoodin a headthere never was an eye of them allso fitted to robmy uncleToby of his reposeas the very eyeat which he was lookingitwas notMadam a rolling eyea romping or a wanton onenor was it an eyesparklingpetulantor imperiousof high claims and terrifying exactionswhichwould have curdled at once that milk of human natureof which myuncle Tobywas made upbut 'twas an eye full of gentle salutationsandsoftresponsesspeakingnot like the trumpet stop of some ill-made organin whichmany an eye I talk toholds coarse conversebut whispering soft--like thelast low accent of an expiring saint'How can you livecomfortlesscaptain Shandyand alonewithout a bosom to lean your headonor trustyour cares to? '

It was aneye

But Ishall be in love with it myselfif I say another word about it.

It did myuncle Toby's business.

 ChapterXXVI.

There isnothing shews the character of my father and my uncle Tobyin amoreentertaining lightthan their different manner of deportmentunderthe sameaccidentfor I call not love a misfortunefrom a persuasionthat aman's heart is ever the better for itGreat God! what must my uncleToby'shave beenwhen 'twas all benignity without it.

My fatheras appears from many of his paperswas very subject to thispassionbefore he marriedbut from a little subacid kind of drollishimpatiencein his naturewhenever it befell himhe would never submit toit like achristian; but would pishand huffand bounceand kickandplay theDeviland write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye thatever manwrotethere is one in verse upon somebody's eye or otherthatfor two orthree nights togetherhad put him by his rest; which in hisfirsttransport of resentment against ithe begins thus:

'ADevil 'tisand mischief such doth work

Asnever yet did PaganJewor Turk. '

[Thiswill be printed with my father's Life of Socrates& c. & c. ]

In shortduring the whole paroxismmy father was all abuse and foullanguageapproaching rather towards maledictiononly he did not do itwith asmuch method as Ernulphushe was too impetuous; nor withErnulphus'spolicyfor tho' my fatherwith the most intolerant spiritwouldcurse both this and thatand every thing under heavenwhich waseitheraiding or abetting to his loveyet never concluded his chapter ofcursesupon itwithout cursing himself in at the bargainas one of themostegregious fools and cox-combshe would saythat ever was let loosein theworld.

My uncleTobyon the contrarytook it like a lambsat still and let thepoisonwork in his veins without resistancein the sharpest exacerbationsof hiswound [like that on his groin] he never dropt one fretful ordiscontentedwordhe blamed neither heaven nor earthor thought or spokeaninjurious thing of any bodyor any part of it; he sat solitary andpensivewith his pipelooking at his lame legthen whiffing out asentimentalheigh ho! which mixing with the smokeincommoded no onemortal.

He took itlike a lambI say.

In truthhe had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with myfatherthat very morningto save if possible a beautiful woodwhich thedean andchapter were hewing down to give to the poor [Mr Shandy must meanthe poorin spirit; inasmuch as they divided the money amongstthemselves. ] ;which said wood being in full view of my uncle Toby's houseand ofsingular service to him in his description of the battle ofWynnendalebytrotting on too hastily to save itupon an uneasy saddleworsehorse& c. & c. . . it had so happenedthat the serous part oftheblood hadgot betwixt the two skinsin the nethermost part of my uncleTobythefirst shootings of which [as my uncle Toby had no experience oflove] hehad taken for a part of the passiontill the blister breaking inthe onecaseand the other remainingmy uncle Toby was presentlyconvincedthat his wound was not a skin-deep woundbut that it had goneto hisheart.

 ChapterXXVII.

The worldis ashamed of being virtuousmy uncle Toby knew little of theworld; andtherefore when he felt he was in love with widow Wadmanhe hadnoconception that the thing was any more to be made a mystery ofthanifMrs.Wadman had given him a cut with a gap'd knife across his finger:  Hadit beenotherwiseyet as he ever look'd upon Trim as a humble friend; andsaw freshreasons every day of his lifeto treat him as suchit wouldhave madeno variation in the manner in which he informed him of theaffair.

'I am inlovecorporal! ' quoth my uncle Toby.

 ChapterXXVIII.

Inlove! said the corporalyour honour was very well the day beforeyesterdaywhen I was telling your honour of the story of the King ofBohemiaBohemia!said my uncle Toby. . . musing a long time. . . What becameof thatstoryTrim?

We lostitan' please your honoursomehow betwixt usbut your honourwas asfree from love thenas I am'twas just whilst thou went'st offwith thewheel-barrowwith Mrs. Wadmanquoth my uncle TobyShe has lefta ballhereadded my uncle Tobypointing to his breast

She can nomorean' please your honourstand a siegethan she can fly--cried thecorporal

But as weare neighboursTrimthe best way I think is to let her knowit civillyfirstquoth my uncle Toby.

Now if Imight presumesaid the corporalto differ from your honour

Why elsedo I talk to theeTrim? said my uncle Tobymildly

Then Iwould beginan' please your honourwith making a good thunderingattackupon herin returnand telling her civilly afterwardsfor if sheknows anything of your honour's being in lovebefore handL. . d helpher! sheknows no more at present of itTrimsaid my uncle Tobythanthe childunborn

Precioussouls!

Mrs.Wadman had told itwith all its circumstancesto Mrs. Bridgettwenty-fourhours before; and was at that very moment sitting in councilwith hertouching some slight misgivings with regard to the issue of theaffairswhich the Devilwho never lies dead in a ditchhad put into herheadbeforehe would allow half timeto get quietly through her Te Deum.

I amterribly afraidsaid widow Wadmanin case I should marry himBridgetthatthe poor captain will not enjoy his healthwith themonstrouswound upon his groin

It maynotMadambe so very largereplied Bridgetas you thinkand Ibelievebesidesadded shethat 'tis dried up

I couldlike to knowmerely for his sakesaid Mrs. Wadman

We'll knowand long and the broad of itin ten daysanswered Mrs.Bridgetfor whilst the captain is paying his addresses to youI'mconfidentMr. Trim will be for making love to meand I'll let him as muchas hewilladded Bridgetto get it all out of him

Themeasures were taken at onceand my uncle Toby and the corporal went onwiththeirs.

Nowquoththe corporalsetting his left hand a-kimboand giving such aflourishwith his rightas just promised successand no moreif yourhonourwill give me leave to lay down the plan of this attack

Thou wiltplease me by itTrimsaid my uncle Tobyexceedinglyand asI foreseethou must act in it as my aid de camphere's a crowncorporalto beginwithto steep thy commission.

Thenan'please your honoursaid the corporal [making a bow first for hiscommission] wewill begin with getting your honour's laced clothes out ofthe greatcampaign-trunkto be well air'dand have the blue and goldtaken upat the sleevesand I'll put your white ramallie-wig fresh intopipesandsend for a taylorto have your honour's thin scarlet breechesturn'd

I hadbetter take the red plush onesquoth my uncle TobyThey will betooclumsysaid the corporal.

 ChapterXXIX.

Thou wiltget a brush and a little chalk to my sword'Twill be only inyourhonour's wayreplied Trim.

 ChapterXXX.

But yourhonour's two razors shall be new setand I will get my Monterocapfurbish'd upand put on poor lieutenant Le Fever's regimental coatwhich yourhonour gave me to wear for his sakeand as soon as your honouris cleanshavedand has got your clean shirt onwith your blue and goldor yourfine scarletsometimes one and sometimes t'otherand every thingis readyfor the attackwe'll march up boldlyas if 'twas to the face ofa bastion;and whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlourtotherightI'll attack Mrs. Bridget in the kitchento the left; and havingseiz'd thepassI'll answer for itsaid the corporalsnapping hisfingersover his headthat the day is our own.

I wish Imay but manage it right; said my uncle Tobybut I declarecorporalI had rather march up to the very edge of a trench

A woman isquite a different thingsaid the corporal.

I supposesoquoth my uncle Toby.

 ChapterXXXI.

If anything in this worldwhich my father saidcould have provoked myuncleTobyduring the time he was in loveit was the perverse use myfather wasalways making of an expression of Hilarion the hermit; whoinspeakingof his abstinencehis watchingsflagellationsand otherinstrumentalparts of his religionwould saytho' with more facetiousnessthanbecame an hermit'That they were the means he usedto make his ass[meaninghis body] leave off kicking. '

It pleasedmy father well; it was not only a laconick way of expressingbut oflibellingat the same timethe desires and appetites of the lowerpart ofus; so that for many years of my father's life'twas his constantmode ofexpressionhe never used the word passions oncebut ass alwaysinstead ofthemSo that he might be said trulyto have been upon thebonesorthe back of his own assor else of some other man'sduring allthat time.

I musthere observe to you the difference betwixtMyfather's assand myhobby-horsein order to keep characters as separate as may beinourfancies as we go along.

For myhobby-horseif you recollect a littleis no way a vicious beast;he hasscarce one hair or lineament of the ass about him'Tis the sportinglittlefilly-folly which carries you out for the present houra maggotabutterflya picturea fiddlestickan uncle Toby's siegeor an anythingwhich a man makes a shift to get a-stride onto canter it away fromthe caresand solicitudes of life'Tis as useful a beast as is in thewholecreationnor do I really see how the world could do without it

But for myfather's assoh! mount himmount himmount him [that'sthreetimesis it not? ] mount him not: 'tis a beast concupiscentandfoul befalthe manwho does not hinder him from kicking.

 ChapterXXXII.

Well! dearbrother Tobysaid my fatherupon his first seeing him after hefell inloveand how goes it with your Asse?

Now myuncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blisterthan ofHilarion's metaphorand our preconceptions having [you know] asgreat apower over the sounds of words as the shapes of thingshe hadimaginedthat my fatherwho was not very ceremonious in his choice ofwordshadenquired after the part by its proper name: so notwithstandingmy motherdoctor Slopand Mr. Yorickwere sitting in the parlourhethought itrather civil to conform to the term my father had made use ofthan not.  When a man is hemm'd in by two indecorumsand must commit oneof 'emIalways observelet him chuse which he willthe world will blamehimso Ishould not be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby.

My A. . equoth my uncle Tobyis much betterbrother ShandyMy father hadformedgreat expectations from his Asse in this onset; and would havebroughthim on again; but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laughandmy mothercrying out L. . . bless us! it drove my father's Asse off thefieldandthe laugh then becoming generalthere was no bringing him backto thechargefor some time

And so thediscourse went on without him.

Everybodysaid my mothersays you are in lovebrother Tobyand wehope it istrue.

I am asmuch in lovesisterI believereplied my uncle Tobyas any manusuallyisHumph! said my fatherand when did you know it? quoth mymother

When theblister broke; replied my uncle Toby.

My uncleToby's reply put my father into good temperso he charg'd o'foot.

 ChapterXXXIII.

As theancients agreebrother Tobysaid my fatherthat there are twodifferentand distinct kinds of loveaccording to the different partswhich areaffected by itthe Brain or LiverI think when a man is inloveitbehoves him a little to consider which of the two he is falleninto.

Whatsignifies itbrother Shandyreplied my uncle Tobywhich of the twoit isprovided it will but make a man marryand love his wifeand get afewchildren?

A fewchildren! cried my fatherrising out of his chairand lookingfull in mymother's faceas he forced his way betwixt her's and doctorSlop'safew children! cried my fatherrepeating my uncle Toby's words ashe walk'dto and fro

Notmydear brother Tobycried my fatherrecovering himself all atonceandcoming close up to the back of my uncle Toby's chairnot that Ishould besorry hadst thou a scoreon the contraryI should rejoiceandbe askindTobyto every one of them as a father

My uncleToby stole his hand unperceived behind his chairto give myfather's asqueeze

Naymoreovercontinued hekeeping hold of my uncle Toby's handsomuch dostthou possessmy dear Tobyof the milk of human natureand solittle ofits asperities'tis piteous the world is not peopled bycreatureswhich resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarchadded myfatherheating himself with his new projectI would oblige theeprovidedit wouldnot impair thy strengthor dry up thy radical moisture too fastor weakenthy memory or fancybrother Tobywhich these gymnicsinordinatelytaken are apt to doelsedear TobyI would procure thee themostbeautiful woman in my empireand I would oblige theenolensvolensto begetfor me one subject every month

As myfather pronounced the last word of the sentencemy mother took apinch ofsnuff.

Now Iwould notquoth my uncle Tobyget a childnolensvolensthat iswhether Iwould or noto please the greatest prince upon earth

And'twould be cruel in mebrother Tobyto compel thee; said my father--but 'tisa case put to shew theethat it is not thy begetting a childincase thoushould'st be ablebut the system of Love and Marriage thou goestuponwhich I would set thee right in

There isat leastsaid Yoricka great deal of reason and plain sense incaptainShandy's opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill-spent hours ofmy lifewhich I have to answer forthat I have read so many flourishingpoets andrhetoricians in my timefrom whom I never could extract so much--

I wishYoricksaid my fatheryou had read Plato; for there you wouldhavelearnt that there are two LovesI know there were two ReligionsrepliedYorickamongst the ancientsonefor the vulgarand another forthelearned; but I think One Love might have served both of them verywell

I couldnot; replied my fatherand for the same reasons:   for of theseLovesaccording to Ficinus's comment upon Velasiusthe one is rational

the otheris naturalthe first ancientwithout motherwhere Venus hadnothing todo:   the secondbegotten of Jupiter and Dione

Praybrotherquoth my uncle Tobywhat has a man who believes in God todo withthis?   My father could not stop to answerfor fear of breakingthethread ofhis discourse

Thislattercontinued hepartakes wholly of the nature of Venus.

The firstwhich is the golden chain let down from heavenexcites to loveheroicwhich comprehends in itand excites to the desire of philosophyandtruththe secondexcites to desiresimply

I thinkthe procreation of children as beneficial to the worldsaidYorickasthe finding out the longitude

To besuresaid my motherlove keeps peace in the world

In thehousemy dearI own

Itreplenishes the earth; said my mother

But itkeeps heaven emptymy dear; replied my father.

'TisVirginitycried Sloptriumphantlywhich fills paradise.

Wellpush'd nun! quoth my father.

 ChapterXXXIV.

My fatherhad such a skirmishingcutting kind of a slashing way with himin hisdisputationsthrusting and rippingand giving every one a stroketoremember him by in his turnthat if there were twenty people incompanyinless than half an hour he was sure to have every one of 'emagainsthim.

What didnot a little contribute to leave him thus without an allywasthat ifthere was any one post more untenable than the resthe would besure tothrow himself into it; and to do him justicewhen he was oncetherehewould defend it so gallantlythat 'twould have been a concerneither toa brave man or a good-natured oneto have seen him driven out.

Yorickfor this reasonthough he would often attack himyet could neverbear to doit with all his force.

DoctorSlop's Virginityin the close of the last chapterhad got him foronce onthe right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up alltheconvents in Christendom about Slop's earswhen corporal Trim cameintotheparlour to inform my uncle Tobythat his thin scarlet breechesinwhich theattack was to be made upon Mrs. Wadmanwould not do; for thatthetaylorin ripping them upin order to turn themhad found they hadbeenturn'd beforeThen turn them againbrothersaid my fatherrapidlyfor therewill be many a turning of 'em yet before all's done in theaffairTheyare as rotten as dirtsaid the corporalThen by all meanssaid myfatherbespeak a new pairbrotherfor though I knowcontinuedmy fatherturning himself to the companythat widow Wadman has beendeeply inlove with my brother Toby for many yearsand has used every artandcircumvention of woman to outwit him into the same passionyet nowthat shehas caught himher fever will be pass'd its height

She hasgained her point.

In thiscasecontinued my fatherwhich PlatoI am persuadedneverthoughtofLoveyou seeis not so much a Sentiment as a Situationintowhich aman entersas my brother Toby would dointo a corpsno matterwhether heloves the service or nobeing once in ithe acts as if he did;and takesevery step to shew himself a man of prowesse.

Thehypothesislike the rest of my father'swas plausible enoughandmyuncle Tobyhad but a single word to object to itin which Trim stood readyto secondhimbut my father had not drawn his conclusion

For thisreasoncontinued my father [stating the case over again]notwithstandingall the world knowsthat Mrs. Wadman affects my brotherTobyand mybrother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs. Wadmanand no obstaclein natureto forbid the music striking up this very nightyet will Ianswer foritthat this self-same tune will not be play'd thistwelvemonth.

We havetaken our measures badlyquoth my uncle Tobylooking upinterrogativelyin Trim's face.

I wouldlay my Montero-capsaid TrimNow Trim's Montero-capas I oncetold youwas his constant wager; and having furbish'd it up that verynightinorder to go upon the attackit made the odds look moreconsiderableIwould layan' please your honourmy Montero-cap to ashillingwasit propercontinued Trim [making a bow]to offer a wagerbeforeyour honours

There isnothing improper in itsaid my father'tis a mode ofexpression;for in saying thou would'st lay thy Montero-cap to a shillingall thoumeanest is thisthat thou believest

NowWhatdo'st thou believe?

That widowWadmanan' please your worshipcannot hold it out ten days

Andwhencecried Slopjeeringlyhast thou all this knowledge of womanfriend?

By fallingin love with a popish clergy-woman; said Trim.

'Twas aBeguinesaid my uncle Toby.

DoctorSlop was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and myfathertaking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the wholeorder ofNuns and Beguinesa set of sillyfustybaggagesSlop could notstanditand my uncle Toby having some measures to take about hisbreechesandYorick about his fourth general divisionin order for theirseveralattacks next daythe company broke up:   and my father being leftaloneandhaving half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time; hecalled forpeninkand paperand wrote my uncle Toby the followingletter ofinstructions:

My dearbrother Toby

What I amgoing to say to thee is upon the nature of womenand of love-making tothem; and perhaps it is as well for theetho' not so well formethatthou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that headand that Iam able to write it to thee.

Had itbeen the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lotsand thou nosuffererby the knowledgeI had been well content that thou should'st havedipp'd thepen this moment into the inkinstead of myself; but that notbeing thecaseMrs Shandy being now close beside mepreparing for bedIhavethrown together without orderand just as they have come into mymindsuchhints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intendingin thisto give thee a token of my love; not doubtingmy dear Tobyofthe mannerin which it will be accepted.

In thefirst placewith regard to all which concerns religion in theaffairthoughI perceive from a glow in my cheekthat I blush as I beginto speakto thee upon the subjectas well knowingnotwithstanding thyunaffectedsecrecyhow few of its offices thou neglectestyet I wouldremindthee of one [during the continuance of thy courtship] in aparticularmannerwhich I would not have omitted; and that isnever to goforth uponthe enterprizewhether it be in the morning or the afternoonwithoutfirst recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty Godthathe maydefend thee from the evil one.

Shave thewhole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or fivedaysbutoftner if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before herthro'absence of mindshe should be able to discover how much has been cutaway byTimehow much by Trim.

'Twerebetter to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.

Alwayscarry it in thy mindand act upon it as a sure maximToby

'Thatwomen are timid: '  And 'tis well they areelse there would be nodealingwith them.

Let notthy breeches be too tightor hang too loose about thy thighslikethetrunk-hose of our ancestors.

A justmedium prevents all conclusions.

Whateverthou hast to saybe it more or lessforget not to utter it in alow softtone of voice.   Silenceand whatever approaches itweavesdreamsofmidnight secrecy into the brain:   For this causeif thou cansthelp itneverthrow down the tongs and poker.

Avoid allkinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with herand dowhatever lies in thy power at the same timeto keep her from allbooks andwritings which tend thereto:   there are some devotional tractswhich ifthou canst entice her to read overit will be well:   but sufferher not tolook into Rabelaisor Scarronor Don Quixote

They areall books which excite laughter; and thou knowestdear Tobythat thereis no passion so serious as lust.

Stick apin in the bosom of thy shirtbefore thou enterest her parlour.

And ifthou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with herand shegives theeoccasion to lay thy hand upon hersbeware of taking itthoucanst notlay thy hand on hersbut she will feel the temper of thine.

Leave thatand as many other things as thou canstquite undetermined; byso doingthou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is notconqueredby thatand thy Asse continues still kickingwhich there isgreatreason to supposeThou must beginwith first losing a few ounces ofbloodbelow the earsaccording to the practice of the ancient Scythianswho curedthe most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means.

Avicennaafter thisis for having the part anointed with the syrup ofhelleboreusing proper evacuations and purgesand I believe rightly.   Butthou musteat little or no goat's fleshnor red deernor even foal'sflesh byany means; and carefully abstainthat isas much as thou canstfrompeacockscranescootsdidappersand water-hens

As for thydrinkI need not tell theeit must be the infusion of Vervainand theherb Haneaof which Aelian relates such effectsbut if thystomachpalls with itdiscontinue it from time to timetaking cucumbersmelonspurslanewater-lillieswoodbineand letticein the stead ofthem.

There isnothing further for theewhich occurs to me at present

Unless thebreaking out of a fresh warSo wishing every thingdearTobyforbest

I rest thyaffectionate brother

WalterShandy.

 ChapterXXXV.

Whilst myfather was writing his letter of instructionsmy uncle Toby andthecorporal were busy in preparing every thing for the attack.   Astheturning ofthe thin scarlet breeches was laid aside [at least for thepresent]there was nothing which should put it off beyond the nextmorning;so accordingly it was resolv'd uponfor eleven o'clock.

Comemydearsaid my father to my mother'twill be but like a brotherandsisterif you and I take a walk down to my brother Toby'stocountenancehim in this attack of his.

My uncleToby and the corporal had been accoutred both some timewhen myfather andmother enter'dand the clock striking elevenwere that momentin motionto sally forthbut the account of this is worth more than to bewove intothe fag end of the eighth [Alluding to the first edition. ] volumeof such awork as this. My father had no time but to put the letter ofinstructionsinto my uncle Toby's coat-pocketand join with my mother inwishinghis attack prosperous.

I couldlikesaid my motherto look through the key-hole out ofcuriosityCall it by its right namemy dearquoth my father

And lookthrough the key-hole as long as you will.

          VOL. IX 

 ADedication to a Great Man.

Havingaprioriintended to dedicate The Amours of my Uncle Toby to Mr.. . . I seemore reasonsa posteriorifor doing it to Lord . . . . . . . .

I shouldlament from my soulif this exposed me to the jealousy of theirReverences;because a posterioriin Court-latinsignifies the kissinghands forprefermentor any thing elsein order to get it.

My opinionof Lord . . . . . . . is neither better nor worsethan it was of Mr.. . . .  Honourslike impressions upon coinmay give an ideal and localvalue to abit of base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass all the worldoverwithout any other recommendation than their own weight.

The samegood-will that made me think of offering up half an hour'samusementto Mr. . . . when out of placeoperates more forcibly at presentas half anhour's amusement will be more serviceable and refreshing afterlabour andsorrowthan after a philosophical repast.

Nothing isso perfectly amusement as a total change of ideas; no ideas areso totallydifferent as those of Ministersand innocent Lovers:   for whichreasonwhen I come to talk of Statesmen and Patriotsand set such marksupon themas will prevent confusion and mistakes concerning them for thefuture Ipropose to dedicate that Volume to some gentle Shepherd

Whosethoughts proud Science never taught to strayFar asthe Statesman's walk or Patriot-way; Yetsimple Nature to his hopes had givenOut ofa cloud-capp'd head a humbler heaven; Someuntam'd World in depths of wood embracedSomehappier Island in the wat'ry-wasteAndwhere admitted to that equal skyHisfaithful Dogs should bear him company.

In a wordby thus introducing an entire new set of objects to hisImaginationI shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his passionate andlove-sickContemplations.   In the mean time

I am

TheAuthor.      ChapterI.

I call allthe powers of time and chancewhich severally check us in ourcareers inthis worldto bear me witnessthat I could never yet getfairly tomy uncle Toby's amourstill this very momentthat my mother'scuriosityas she stated the affairor a different impulse in heras myfatherwould have itwished her to take a peep at them through the key-hole.

'Call itmy dearby its right namequoth my fatherand look through thekey-holeas long as you will. '

Nothingbut the fermentation of that little subacid humourwhich I haveoftenspoken ofin my father's habitcould have vented such aninsinuationhewas however frank and generous in his natureand at alltimes opento conviction; so that he had scarce got to the last word ofthisungracious retortwhen his conscience smote him.

My motherwas then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted under hisrightinsuch wisethat the inside of her hand rested upon the back ofhissheraised her fingersand let them fallit could scarce be call'd atap; or ifit was a tap'twould have puzzled a casuist to saywhether'twas atap of remonstranceor a tap of confession:   my fatherwho wasallsensibilities from head to footclass'd it rightConscience redoubledher blowheturn'd his face suddenly the other wayand my mothersupposinghis body was about to turn with it in order to move homewardsbya crossmovement of her right legkeeping her left as its centrebroughtherself sofar in frontthat as he turned his headhe met her eyeConfusionagain! he saw a thousand reasons to wipe out the reproachand asmany toreproach himselfa thinbluechillpellucid chrystal with allitshumours so at restthe least mote or speck of desire might have beenseenatthe bottom of ithad it existedit did notand how I happen tobe so lewdmyselfparticularly a little before the vernal and autumnalequinoxesHeavenabove knowsMy mothermadamwas so at no timeeitherby natureby institutionor example.

Atemperate current of blood ran orderly through her veins in allmonths ofthe yearand in all critical moments both of the day and night alike; nordid shesuperinduce the least heat into her humours from the manualeffervescenciesof devotional tractswhich having little or no meaning inthemnature is oft-times obliged to find oneAnd as for my father'sexample!'twas so far from being either aiding or abetting thereuntothat'twas thewhole business of his lifeto keep all fancies of that kind outof herheadNature had done her partto have spared him this trouble; andwhat wasnot a little inconsistentmy father knew itAnd here am Isittingthis 12th day of August 1766in a purple jerkin and yellow pairofslipperswithout either wig or cap ona most tragicomicalcompletionof hisprediction'That I should neither thinknor act like any otherman'schildupon that very account. '

Themistake in my fatherwas in attacking my mother's motiveinstead ofthe actitself; for certainly key-holes were made for other purposes; andconsideringthe actas an act which interfered with a true propositionand denieda key-hole to be what it wasit became a violation of nature;and was sofaryou seecriminal.

It is forthis reasonan' please your ReverencesThat key-holes are theoccasionsof more sin and wickednessthan all other holes in this worldputtogether.

whichleads me to my uncle Toby's amours.

 ChapterII.

Though thecorporal had been as good as his word in putting my uncle Toby'sgreatramallie-wig into pipesyet the time was too short to produce anygreateffects from it: it had lain many years squeezed up in the corner ofhis oldcampaign trunk; and as bad forms are not so easy to be got thebetter ofand the use of candle-ends not so well understoodit was not sopliable abusiness as one would have wished.   The corporal with cheary eyeand botharms extendedhad fallen back perpendicular from it a scoretimestoinspire itif possiblewith a better airhad Spleen given alook atit'twould have cost her ladyship a smileit curl'd every wherebut wherethe corporal would have it; and where a buckle or twoin hisopinionwould have done it honourhe could as soon have raised the dead.

Such itwasor rather such would it have seem'd upon any other brow; butthe sweetlook of goodness which sat upon my uncle Toby'sassimilatedeverything around it so sovereignly to itselfand Nature had moreoverwroteGentleman with so fair a hand in every line of his countenancethateven histarnish'd gold-laced hat and huge cockade of flimsy taffeta becamehim; andthough not worth a button in themselvesyet the moment my uncleToby putthem onthey became serious objectsand altogether seem'd tohave beenpicked up by the hand of Science to set him off to advantage.

Nothing inthis world could have co-operated more powerfully towards thisthan myuncle Toby's blue and goldhad not Quantity in some measure beennecessaryto Grace:   in a period of fifteen or sixteen years since theyhadbeen madeby a total inactivity in my uncle Toby's lifefor he seldomwentfurther than the bowling-greenhis blue and gold had become somiserablytoo straight for himthat it was with the utmost difficulty thecorporalwas able to get him into them; the taking them up at the sleeveswas of noadvantage. They were laced however down the backand at theseams ofthe sides& c. in the mode of King William's reign; and toshortenalldescriptionthey shone so bright against the sun that morningandhadsometallick and doughty an air with themthat had my uncle Tobythoughtofattacking in armournothing could have so well imposed upon hisimagination.

As for thethin scarlet breechesthey had been unripp'd by the taylorbetweenthe legsand left at sixes and sevens

YesMadambut let us govern our fancies.   It is enough they wereheldimpracticablethe night beforeand as there was no alternative in my uncleToby'swardrobehe sallied forth in the red plush.

Thecorporal had array'd himself in poor Le Fever's regimental coat; andwith hishair tuck'd up under his Montero-capwhich he had furbish'd upfor theoccasionmarch'd three paces distant from his master:   a whiffofmilitarypride had puff'd out his shirt at the wrist; and upon that in ablackleather thong clipp'd into a tassel beyond the knothung thecorporal'sstickmy uncle Toby carried his cane like a pike.

It lookswell at least; quoth my father to himself.

 ChapterIII.

My uncleToby turn'd his head more than once behind himto see how he wassupportedby the corporal; and the corporal as oft as he did itgave aslightflourish with his stickbut not vapouringly; and with the sweetestaccent ofmost respectful encouragementbid his honour 'never fear. '

Now myuncle Toby did fear; and grievously too; he knew not [as my fatherhadreproach'd him] so much as the right end of a Woman from the wrongandthereforewas never altogether at his ease near any one of themunless insorrow ordistress; then infinite was his pity; nor would the mostcourteousknight of romance have gone furtherat least upon one legtohave wipedaway a tear from a woman's eye; and yet excepting once that hewasbeguiled into it by Mrs. Wadmanhe had never looked stedfastly intoone; andwould often tell my father in the simplicity of his heartthat itwas almost[if not about] as bad as taking bawdy.

Andsuppose it is? my father would say.

 ChapterIV.

Shecannotquoth my uncle Tobyhaltingwhen they had march'd up towithintwenty paces of Mrs. Wadman's doorshe cannotcorporaltake itamiss.

She willtake itan' please your honoursaid the corporaljust as theJew'swidow at Lisbon took it of my brother Tom.

And howwas that? quoth my uncle Tobyfacing quite about to thecorporal.

Yourhonourreplied the corporalknows of Tom's misfortunes; but thisaffair hasnothing to do with them any further than thisThat if Tom hadnotmarried the widowor had it pleased God after their marriagethatthey hadbut put pork into their sausagesthe honest soul had never beentaken outof his warm bedand dragg'd to the inquisition'Tis a cursedplaceaddedthe corporalshaking his headwhen once a poor creature isinhe isinan' please your honourfor ever.

'Tis verytrue; said my uncle Tobylooking gravely at Mrs. Wadman's houseas hespoke.

Nothingcontinued the corporalcan be so sad as confinement for lifeorso sweetan' please your honouras liberty.

NothingTrimsaid my uncle Tobymusing

Whilst aman is freecried the corporalgiving a flourish with his stickthus

A thousandof my father's most subtle syllogisms could not have said moreforcelibacy.

My uncleToby look'd earnestly towards his cottage and his bowling-green.

Thecorporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with hiswand; andhe had nothing to dobut to conjure him down again with hisstoryandin this form of Exorcismmost un-ecclesiastically did thecorporaldo it.

 ChapterV.

As Tom'splacean' please your honourwas easyand the weather warmitput himupon thinking seriously of settling himself in the world; and as itfell outabout that timethat a Jew who kept a sausage shop in the samestreethad the ill luck to die of a stranguryand leave his widow inpossessionof a rousing tradeTom thought [as every body in Lisbon wasdoing thebest he could devise for himself] there could be no harm inofferingher his service to carry it on:   so without any introduction tothe widowexcept that of buying a pound of sausages at her shopTom setoutcountingthe matter thus within himselfas he walk'd along; that letthe worstcome of it that couldhe should at least get a pound of sausagesfor theirworthbutif things went wellhe should be set up; inasmuch ashe shouldget not only a pound of sausagesbut a wife anda sausage shopan' pleaseyour honourinto the bargain.

Everyservant in the familyfrom high to lowwish'd Tom success; and Ican fancyan' please your honourI see him this moment with his whitedimitywaist-coat and breechesand hat a little o' one sidepassingjollilyalong the streetswinging his stickwith a smile and a chearfulword forevery body he met: But alas! Tom! thou smilest no morecried thecorporallooking on one side of him upon the groundas if heapostrophisedhim in his dungeon.

Poorfellow! said my uncle Tobyfeelingly.

He was anhonestlight-hearted ladan' please your honouras ever bloodwarm'd

Then heresembled theeTrimsaid my uncle Tobyrapidly.

Thecorporal blush'd down to his fingers endsa tear of sentimentalbashfulnessanotherof gratitude to my uncle Tobyand a tear of sorrowfor hisbrother's misfortunesstarted into his eyeand ran sweetly downhis cheektogether; my uncle Toby's kindled as one lamp does at another;and takinghold of the breast of Trim's coat [which had been that of LeFever's]as if to ease his lame legbut in reality to gratify a finerfeelinghestood silent for a minute and a half; at the end of which hetook hishand awayand the corporal making a bowwent on with his storyof hisbrother and the Jew's widow.

 ChapterVI.

When Toman' please your honourgot to the shopthere was nobody in itbut a poornegro girlwith a bunch of white feathers slightly tied to theend of along caneflapping away fliesnot killing them. 'Tis a prettypicture!said my uncle Tobyshe had suffered persecutionTrimand hadlearntmercy

She wasgoodan' please your honourfrom natureas well as fromhardships;and there are circumstances in the story of that poor friendlessslutthatwould melt a heart of stonesaid Trim; and some dismal winter'seveningwhen your honour is in the humourthey shall be told you with therest ofTom's storyfor it makes a part of it

Then donot forgetTrimsaid my uncle Toby.

A negrohas a soul? an' please your honoursaid the corporal [doubtingly] .

I am notmuch versedcorporalquoth my uncle Tobyin things of thatkind; butI supposeGod would not leave him without oneany more thanthee or me

It wouldbe putting one sadly over the head of anotherquoth thecorporal.

It wouldso; said my uncle Toby.   Why thenan' please your honouris ablackwench to be used worse than a white one?

I can giveno reasonsaid my uncle Toby

Onlycried the corporalshaking his headbecause she has no one tostand upfor her

'Tis thatvery thingTrimquoth my uncle Tobywhich recommends her toprotectionandher brethren with her; 'tis the fortune of war which hasput thewhip into our hands nowwhere it may be hereafterheaven knows!but be itwhere it willthe braveTrim! will not use it unkindly.

Godforbidsaid the corporal.

Amenresponded my uncle Tobylaying his hand upon his heart.

Thecorporal returned to his storyand went onbut with an embarrassmentin doingitwhich here and there a reader in this world will not be abletocomprehend; for by the many sudden transitions all alongfrom onekindandcordial passion to anotherin getting thus far on his wayhe hadlostthesportable key of his voicewhich gave sense and spirit to his tale:

heattempted twice to resume itbut could not please himself; so givingastout hem!to rally back the retreating spiritsand aiding nature at thesame timewith his left arm a kimbo on one sideand with his right alittleextendedsupporting her on the otherthe corporal got as near thenote as hecould; and in that attitudecontinued his story.

 ChapterVII.

As Toman' please your honourhad no business at that time with theMoorishgirlhe passed on into the room beyondto talk to the Jew's widowaboutloveand this pound of sausages; and beingas I have told yourhonouranopen cheary-hearted ladwith his character wrote in his looksandcarriagehe took a chairand without much apologybut with greatcivilityat the same timeplaced it close to her at the tableand satdown.

There isnothing so awkwardas courting a womanan' please your honourwhilst sheis making sausagesSo Tom began a discourse upon them; firstgravely'ashow they were madewith what meatsherbsand spices. 'Then alittle gaylyas'With what skinsand if they never burstWhetherthe largest were not the best? 'and so ontaking care only as hewentalongto season what he had to say upon sausagesrather under thanover; thathe might have room to act in

It wasowing to the neglect of that very precautionsaid my uncle Tobylaying hishand upon Trim's shoulderthat Count De la Motte lost thebattle ofWynendale:   he pressed too speedily into the wood; which if hehad notdoneLisle had not fallen into our handsnor Ghent and Brugeswhich bothfollowed her example; it was so late in the yearcontinued myuncleTobyand so terrible a season came onthat if things had not fallenout asthey didour troops must have perish'd in the open field.

Whythereforemay not battlesan' please your honouras well asmarriagesbe made in heaven? my uncle Toby mused

Religioninclined him to say one thingand his high idea of military skilltemptedhim to say another; so not being able to frame a reply exactly tohis mindmyuncle Toby said nothing at all; and the corporal finished hisstory.

As Tomperceivedan' please your honourthat he gained groundand thatall he hadsaid upon the subject of sausages was kindly takenhe went onto helpher a little in making them. Firstby taking hold of the ring ofthesausage whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her handthen bycuttingthe strings into proper lengthsand holding them in his handwhilst shetook them out one by onethenby putting them across hermouththat she might take them out as she wanted themand so on fromlittle tomoretill at last he adventured to tie the sausage himselfwhilst sheheld the snout.

Now awidowan' please your honouralways chuses a second husband asunlike thefirst as she can:   so the affair was more than half settled inher mindbefore Tom mentioned it.

She made afeint however of defending herselfby snatching up a sausage:Tominstantly laid hold of another

But seeingTom's had more gristle in it

She signedthe capitulationand Tom sealed it; and there was an end of thematter.

 ChapterVIII.

Allwomankindcontinued Trim[commenting upon his story] from thehighestto thelowestan' please your honourlove jokes; the difficulty is toknow howthey chuse to have them cut; and there is no knowing thatbut bytryingaswe do with our artillery in the fieldby raising or lettingdown theirbreechestill we hit the mark.

I like thecomparisonsaid my uncle Tobybetter than the thing itself

Becauseyour honourquoth the corporalloves glorymore than pleasure.

I hopeTrimanswered my uncle TobyI love mankind more than either; andas theknowledge of arms tends so apparently to the good and quiet of theworldandparticularly that branch of it which we have practised togetherin ourbowling-greenhas no object but to shorten the strides of Ambitionandintrench the lives and fortunes of the fewfrom the plunderings ofthemanywheneverthat drum beats in our earsI trustcorporalwe shallneither ofus want so much humanity and fellow-feelingas to face aboutand march.

Inpronouncing thismy uncle Toby faced aboutand march'd firmly as atthe headof his companyand the faithful corporalshouldering his stickandstriking his hand upon his coat-skirt as he took his first stepmarch'dclose behind him down the avenue.

Now whatcan their two noddles be about? cried my father to my motherbyall that'sstrangethey are besieging Mrs. Wadman in formand aremarchinground her house to mark out the lines of circumvallation.

I daresayquoth my motherBut stopdear Sirfor what my mother daredto sayupon the occasionand what my father did say upon itwith herrepliesand his rejoindersshall be readperusedparaphrasedcommentedanddescanted uponor to say it all in a wordshall be thumb'd over byPosterityin a chapter apartI sayby Posterityand care notif Irepeat theword againfor what has this book done more than the Legationof Mosesor the Tale of a Tubthat it may not swim down the gutter ofTime alongwith them?

I will notargue the matter:   Time wastes too fast:   every letter Itracetells mewith what rapidity Life follows my pen:   the days and hours ofitmorepreciousmy dear Jenny! than the rubies about thy neckare flyingover ourheads like light clouds of a windy daynever to return moreeverything presses onwhilst thou art twisting that locksee! it growsgrey; andevery time I kiss thy hand to bid adieuand every absence whichfollowsitare preludes to that eternal separation which we are shortly tomake.

Heavenhave mercy upon us both!

 ChapterIX.

Nowforwhat the world thinks of that ejaculationI would not give agroat.

 ChapterX.

My motherhad gone with her left arm twisted in my father's righttillthey hadgot to the fatal angle of the old garden wallwhere Doctor Slopwasoverthrown by Obadiah on the coach-horse:   as this was directlyoppositeto the front of Mrs. Wadman's housewhen my father came to ithegave alook across; and seeing my uncle Toby and the corporal within tenpaces ofthe doorhe turn'd about'Let us just stop a momentquoth myfatherand see with what ceremonies my brother Toby and his man Trim maketheirfirst entryit will not detain usadded my fathera singleminute: '

No matterif it be ten minutesquoth my mother.

It willnot detain us half one; said my father.

Thecorporal was just then setting in with the story of his brother Tomandthe Jew'swidow:   the story went onand onit had episodes in itit camebackandwent onand on again; there was no end of itthe reader foundit verylong

G. . helpmy father! he pish'd fifty times at every new attitudeand gavethecorporal's stickwith all its flourishings and danglingsto as manydevils aschose to accept of them.

Whenissues of events like these my father is waiting forare hanging inthe scalesof fatethe mind has the advantage of changing the principle ofexpectationthree timeswithout which it would not have power to see itout.

Curiositygoverns the first moment; and the second moment is all oeconomyto justifythe expence of the firstand for the thirdfourthfifthandsixthmomentsand so on to the day of judgment'tis a point of Honour.

I need notbe toldthat the ethic writers have assigned this all toPatience;but that Virtuemethinkshas extent of dominion sufficient ofher ownand enough to do in itwithout invading the few dismantledcastleswhich Honour has left him upon the earth.

My fatherstood it out as well as he could with these three auxiliaries tothe end ofTrim's story; and from thence to the end of my uncle Toby'spanegyrickupon armsin the chapter following it; when seeingthatinstead ofmarching up to Mrs. Wadman's doorthey both faced about andmarch'ddown the avenue diametrically opposite to his expectationhe brokeout atonce with that little subacid soreness of humourwhichin certainsituationsdistinguished his character from that of all other men.

 ChapterXI.

'Now whatcan their two noddles be about? ' cried my father. . . & c. . . .

I daresaysaid my motherthey are making fortifications

Not onMrs. Wadman's premises! cried my fatherstepping back

I supposenot:   quoth my mother.

I wishsaid my fatherraising his voicethe whole science offortificationat the devilwith all its trumpery of sapsminesblindsgabionsfausse-brays and cuvetts

They arefoolish thingssaid my mother.

Now shehad a waywhichby the byeI would this moment give away mypurplejerkinand my yellow slippers into the bargainif some of yourreverenceswould imitateand that wasnever to refuse her assent andconsent toany proposition my father laid before hermerely because shedid notunderstand itor had no ideas of the principal word or term ofartuponwhich the tenet or proposition rolled.   She contented herselfwith doingall that her godfathers and godmothers promised for herbut nomore; andso would go on using a hard word twenty years togetherandreplyingto it tooif it was a verbin all its moods and tenseswithoutgivingherself any trouble to enquire about it.

This wasan eternal source of misery to my fatherand broke the neckatthe firstsetting outof more good dialogues between themthan could havedone themost petulant contradictionthe few which survived were thebetter forthe cuvetts

'They arefoolish things; ' said my mother.

Particularlythe cuvetts; replied my father.

'Tisenoughhe tasted the sweet of triumphand went on.

Not thatthey areproperly speakingMrs. Wadman's premisessaid myfatherpartly correcting himselfbecause she is but tenant for life

That makesa great differencesaid my mother

In afool's headreplied my father

Unless sheshould happen to have a childsaid my mother

But shemust persuade my brother Toby first to get her one

To besureMr. Shandyquoth my mother.

Though ifit comes to persuasionsaid my fatherLord have mercy uponthem.

Amen:  said my motherpiano.

Amen:  cried my fatherfortissime.

Amen:  said my mother againbut with such a sighing cadence of personalpity atthe end of itas discomfited every fibre about my fatherheinstantlytook out his almanack; but before he could untie itYorick'scongregationcoming out of churchbecame a full answer to one half of hisbusinesswith itand my mother telling him it was a sacrament daylefthim aslittle in doubtas to the other partHe put his almanack into hispocket.

The firstLord of the Treasury thinking of ways and meanscould not havereturnedhome with a more embarrassed look.

 ChapterXII.

Uponlooking back from the end of the last chapterand surveying thetexture ofwhat has been wroteit is necessarythat upon this page andthe threefollowinga good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted tokeep upthat just balance betwixt wisdom and follywithout which a bookwould nothold together a single year: nor is it a poor creeping digression[which butfor the name ofa man might continue as well going on in theking'shighway] which will do the businessno; if it is to be adigressionit must be a good frisky oneand upon a frisky subject toowhereneither the horse or his rider are to be caughtbut by rebound.

The onlydifficultyis raising powers suitable to the nature of theservice:  Fancy is capriciousWit must not be searched forand Pleasantry[good-naturedslut as she is] will not come in at a callwas an empire tobe laid ather feet.

The bestway for a manis to say his prayers

Only if itputs him in mind of his infirmities and defects as well ghostlyasbodilyfor that purposehe will find himself rather worse after hehassaid themthan beforefor other purposesbetter.

For my ownpartthere is not a way either moral or mechanical under heaventhat Icould think ofwhich I have not taken with myself in this case:

sometimesby addressing myself directly to the soul herselfand arguingthe pointover and over again with her upon the extent of her ownfaculties

I nevercould make them an inch the wider

Then bychanging my systemand trying what could be made of it upon thebodybytemperancesobernessand chastity:   These are goodquoth Iinthemselvestheyare goodabsolutely; they are goodrelatively; theyare goodfor healththey are good for happiness in this worldthey aregood forhappiness in the next

In shortthey were good for every thing but the thing wanted; and therethey weregood for nothingbut to leave the soul just as heaven made it:

as for thetheological virtues of faith and hopethey give it courage; butthen thatsnivelling virtue of Meekness [as my father would always call it]takes itquite away againso you are exactly where you started.

Now in allcommon and ordinary casesthere is nothing which I have foundto answerso well as this

Certainlyif there is any dependence upon Logicand that I am notblinded byself-lovethere must be something of true genius about memerelyupon this symptom of itthat I do not know what envy is:   forneverdo I hitupon any invention or device which tendeth to the furtherance ofgoodwritingbut I instantly make it public; willing that all mankindshouldwrite as well as myself.

Which theycertainly willwhen they think as little.

 ChapterXIII.

Now inordinary casesthat iswhen I am only stupidand the thoughtsriseheavily and pass gummous through my pen

Or that Iam gotI know not howinto a cold unmetaphorical vein ofinfamouswritingand cannot take a plumb-lift out of it for my soul; somust beobliged to go on writing like a Dutch commentator to the end of thechapterunless something be done

I neverstand conferring with pen and ink one moment; for if a pinch ofsnuffora stride or two across the room will not do the business for meI take arazor at once; and having tried the edge of it upon the palm of myhandwithout further ceremonyexcept that of first lathering my beardIshave itoff; taking care only if I do leave a hairthat it be not a greyone:  this doneI change my shirtput on a better coatsend for my lastwigput mytopaz ring upon my finger; and in a worddress myself from oneend to theother of meafter my best fashion.

Now thedevil in hell must be in itif this does not do:   for considerSirasevery man chuses to be present at the shaving of his own beard[thoughthere is no rule without an exception]and unavoidably sits over-againsthimself the whole time it is doingin case he has a hand in ittheSituationlike all othershas notions of her own to put into thebrain.

I maintainitthe conceits of a rough-bearded manare seven years moreterse andjuvenile for one single operation; and if they did not run a riskof beingquite shaved awaymight be carried up by continual shavingstothehighest pitch of sublimityHow Homer could write with so long a beardI don'tknowand as it makes against my hypothesisI as little careButlet usreturn to the Toilet.

LudovicusSorbonensis makes this entirely an affair of the body [Greek] ashe callsitbut he is deceived:   the soul and body are joint-sharers ineverything they get:   A man cannot dressbut his ideas get cloth'dat thesame time;and if he dresses like a gentlemanevery one of them standspresentedto his imaginationgenteelized along with himso that he hasnothing todobut take his penand write like himself.

For thiscausewhen your honours and reverences would know whether I writclean andfit to be readyou will be able to judge full as well by lookinginto myLaundress's billas my book:   there is one single month inwhich Ican makeit appearthat I dirtied one and thirty shirts with cleanwriting;and after allwas more abus'dcursedcriticis'dandconfoundedand had more mystic heads shaken at mefor what I had wrote inthat onemonththan in all the other months of that year put together.

But theirhonours and reverences had not seen my bills.

 ChapterXIV.

As I neverhad any intention of beginning the DigressionI am making allthispreparation fortill I come to the 74th chapterI have this chapterto put towhatever use I think properI have twenty this moment ready foritI couldwrite my chapter of Button-holes in it

Or mychapter of Pisheswhich should follow them

Or mychapter of Knotsin case their reverences have done with themtheymight leadme into mischief:   the safest way is to follow the track of thelearnedand raise objections against what I have been writingtho' Ideclarebefore-handI know no more than my heels how to answer them.

And firstit may be saidthere is a pelting kind of thersitical satireas blackas the very ink 'tis wrote with [and by the byewhoever says soisindebted to the muster-master general of the Grecian armyforsufferingthe nameof so ugly and foul-mouth'd a man as Thersites to continue uponhisrollfor it has furnish'd him with an epithet] in these productionshe willurgeall the personal washings and scrubbings upon earth do asinkinggenius no sort of goodbut just the contraryinasmuch as thedirtierthe fellow isthe better generally he succeeds in it.

To thisIhave no other answerat least readybut that the Archbishop ofBeneventowrote his nasty Romance of the Galateaas all the world knowsin apurple coatwaistcoatand purple pair of breeches; and that thepenanceset him of writing a commentary upon the book of the Revelationsas severeas it was look'd upon by one part of the worldwas far frombeingdeem'd soby the otherupon the single account of that Investment.

Anotherobjectionto all this remedyis its want of universality;forasmuchas the shaving part of itupon which so much stress is laidbyanunalterable law of nature excludes one half of the species entirelyfromits use:  all I can say isthat female writerswhether of Englandor ofFrancemust e'en go without it

As for theSpanish ladiesI am in no sort of distress

 ChapterXV.

Theseventy-fourth chapter is come at last; and brings nothing with itbuta sadsignature of 'How our pleasures slip from under us in this world! '

For intalking of my digressionI declare before heaven I have made it!

What astrange creature is mortal man! said she.

'Tis verytruesaid Ibut 'twere better to get all these things out ofour headsand return to my uncle Toby.

 ChapterXVI.

When myuncle Toby and the corporal had marched down to the bottom of theavenuethey recollected their business lay the other way; so they facedabout andmarched up straight to Mrs. Wadman's door.

I warrantyour honour; said the corporaltouching his Montero-cap with hishandashe passed him in order to give a knock at the doorMy uncle Tobycontraryto his invariable way of treating his faithful servantsaidnothinggood or bad:   the truth washe had not altogether marshal'd hisideas; hewish'd for another conferenceand as the corporal was mountingup thethree steps before the doorhe hem'd twicea portion of my uncleToby'smost modest spirits fledat each expulsiontowards the corporal;he stoodwith the rapper of the door suspended for a full minute in hishandhescarce knew why.   Bridget stood perdue withinwith her fingerandher thumbupon the latchbenumb'd with expectation; and Mrs Wadmanwithan eyeready to be deflowered againsat breathless behind the window-curtain ofher bed-chamberwatching their approach.

Trim! saidmy uncle Tobybut as he articulated the wordthe minuteexpiredand Trim let fall the rapper.

My uncleToby perceiving that all hopes of a conference were knock'd on thehead byitwhistled Lillabullero.

 ChapterXVII.

As Mrs.Bridget's finger and thumb were upon the latchthe corporal didnot knockas often as perchance your honour's taylorI might have taken myexamplesomething nearer home; for I owe minesome five and twenty poundsat leastand wonder at the man's patience

But thisis nothing at all to the world:   only 'tis a cursed thing to bein debt;and there seems to be a fatality in the exchequers of some poorprincesparticularly those of our housewhich no Economy can bind down inirons:  for my own partI'm persuaded there is not any one princeprelatepopeor potentategreat or small upon earthmore desirous inhis heartof keeping straight with the world than I amor who takes morelikelymeans for it.   I never give above half a guineaor walk withboots--orcheapen tooth-picksor lay out a shilling upon a band-box the yearround; andfor the six months I'm in the countryI'm upon so small ascalethat with all the good temper in the worldI outdo Rousseaua barlengthforI keep neither man or boyor horseor cowor dogor catorany thingthat can eat or drinkexcept a thin poor piece of a Vestal [tokeep myfire in]and who has generally as bad an appetite as myselfbutif youthink this makes a philosopher of meI would notmy good people!give arush for your judgments.

Truephilosophybut there is no treating the subject whilst my uncle iswhistlingLillabullero.

Let us gointo the house.

 ChapterXVIII.

[blankpage]

 ChapterXIX.

[blankpage]

 ChapterXX.

[two blankparagraphs]

You shallsee the very placeMadam; said my uncle Toby.

Mrs.Wadman blush'dlook'd towards the doorturn'd paleblush'd slightlyagainrecover'dher natural colourblush'd worse than ever; whichforthe sakeof the unlearned readerI translate thus

'L. . d!  I cannot look at it

'Whatwould the world say if I look'd at it?

'I shoulddrop downif I look'd at it

'I wish Icould look at it

'There canbe no sin in looking at it.

'I willlook at it. '

Whilst allthis was running through Mrs. Wadman's imaginationmy uncleToby hadrisen from the sophaand got to the other side of the parlourdoortogive Trim an order about it in the passage

. . . Ibelieve it is in the garretsaid my uncle TobyI saw it therean' pleaseyour honourthis morninganswered TrimThen pritheestepdirectlyfor itTrimsaid my uncle Tobyand bring it into the parlour.

Thecorporal did not approve of the ordersbut most cheerfully obeyedthem.  The first was not an act of his willthe second was; so he put onhisMontero-capand went as fast as his lame knee would let him.   MyuncleTobyreturned into the parlourand sat himself down again upon the sopha.

You shalllay your finger upon the placesaid my uncle Toby. I will nottouch ithoweverquoth Mrs. Wadman to herself.

Thisrequires a second translation: it shews what little knowledge is gotby merewordswe must go up to the first springs.

Now inorder to clear up the mist which hangs upon these three pagesImustendeavour to be as clear as possible myself.

Rub yourhands thrice across your foreheadsblow your nosescleanse youremunctoriessneezemy good people! God bless you

Now giveme all the help you can.

 ChapterXXI.

As thereare fifty different ends [counting all ends inas well civil asreligious]for which a woman takes a husbandthe first sets about andcarefullyweighsthen separates and distinguishes in her mindwhich ofall thatnumber of ends is hers; then by discourseenquiryargumentationandinferenceshe investigates and finds out whether she has got hold ofthe rightoneand if she hasthenby pulling it gently this way and thatwayshefurther forms a judgmentwhether it will not break in thedrawing.

Theimagery under which Slawkenbergius impresses this upon the reader'sfancyinthe beginning of his third Decadis so ludicrousthat thehonour Ibear the sexwill not suffer me to quote itotherwise it is notdestituteof humour.

'Shefirstsaith Slawkenbergiusstops the asseand holding his halterinher lefthand [lest he should get away] she thrusts her right hand into theverybottom of his pannier to search for itFor what? you'll not know thesoonerquoth Slawkenbergiusfor interrupting me

'I havenothinggood Ladybut empty bottles; ' says the asse.

'I'mloaded with tripes; ' says the second.

And thouart little betterquoth she to the third; for nothing is therein thypanniers but trunk-hose and pantoflesand so to the fourth andfifthgoing on one by one through the whole stringtill coming to theasse whichcarries itshe turns the pannier upside downlooks at itconsidersitsamples itmeasures itstretches itwets itdries itthen takesher teeth both to the warp and weft of it.

Of what?for the love of Christ!

I amdeterminedanswered Slawkenbergiusthat all the powers upon earthshallnever wring that secret from my breast.

 ChapterXXII.

We live ina world beset on all sides with mysteries and riddlesand so'tis nomatterelse it seems strangethat Naturewho makes every thingso well toanswer its destinationand seldom or never errsunless forpastimein giving such forms and aptitudes to whatever passes through herhandsthat whether she designs for the ploughthe caravanthe cartorwhateverother creature she modelsbe it but an asse's foalyou are sureto havethe thing you wanted; and yet at the same time should so eternallybungle itas she doesin making so simple a thing as a married man.

Whether itis in the choice of the clayor that it is frequently spoiledin thebaking; by an excess of which a husband may turn out too crusty [youknow] onone handor not enough sothrough defect of heaton the otheror whetherthis great Artificer is not so attentive to the little Platonicexigencesof that part of the speciesfor whose use she is fabricatingthisorthat her Ladyship sometimes scarce knows what sort of a husbandwill doIknow not:   we will discourse about it after supper.

It isenoughthat neither the observation itselfor the reasoning uponitare atall to the purposebut rather against it; since with regard tomy uncleToby's fitness for the marriage statenothing was ever better:she hadformed him of the best and kindliest clayhad temper'd it with herown milkand breathed into it the sweetest spiritshe had made him allgentlegenerousand humaneshe had filled his heart with trust andconfidenceand disposed every passage which led to itfor thecommunicationof the tenderest officesshe had moreover considered theothercauses for which matrimony was ordained

Andaccordingly. . . .

TheDonation was not defeated by my uncle Toby's wound.

Now thislast article was somewhat apocryphal; and the Devilwho is thegreatdisturber of our faiths in this worldhad raised scruples in Mrs.Wadman'sbrain about it; and like a true devil as he washad done his ownwork atthe same timeby turning my uncle Toby's Virtue thereupon intonothingbut empty bottlestripestrunk-hoseand pantofles.

 ChapterXXIII.

Mrs.Bridget had pawn'd all the little stock of honour a poor chamber-maidwas worthin the worldthat she would get to the bottom of the affair inten days;and it was built upon one of the most concessible postulata innature:  namelythat whilst my uncle Toby was making love to her mistressthecorporal could find nothing better to dothan make love to her'AndI'll lethim as much as he willsaid Bridgetto get it out of him. '

Friendshiphas two garments; an outer and an under one.   Bridget wasservingher mistress's interests in the oneand doing the thing which mostpleasedherself in the other:   so had as many stakes depending upon myuncleToby's woundas the Devil himselfMrs. Wadman had but oneand asitpossibly might be her last [without discouraging Mrs. Bridgetordiscreditingher talents] was determined to play her cards herself.

She wantednot encouragement:   a child might have look'd into his handthere wassuch a plainness and simplicity in his playing out what trumps hehadwithsuch an unmistrusting ignorance of the ten-aceand so naked anddefencelessdid he sit upon the same sopha with widow Wadmanthat agenerousheart would have wept to have won the game of him.

Let usdrop the metaphor.

 ChapterXXIV.

And thestory tooif you please:   for though I have all along beenhasteningtowards this part of itwith so much earnest desireas wellknowing itto be the choicest morsel of what I had to offer to the worldyet nowthat I am got to itany one is welcome to take my penand go onwith thestory for me that willI see the difficulties of the descriptionsI'm goingto giveand feel my want of powers.

It is onecomfort at least to methat I lost some fourscore ounces ofblood thisweek in a most uncritical fever which attacked me at thebeginningof this chapter; so that I have still some hopes remainingitmay bemore in the serous or globular parts of the bloodthan in thesubtileaura of the brainbe it which it willan Invocation can do nohurtand Ileave the affair entirely to the invokedto inspire or toinject meaccording as he sees good.

TheInvocation.

GentleSpirit of sweetest humourwho erst did sit upon the easy pen of mybelovedCervantes; Thou who glidedst daily through his latticeandturned'stthe twilight of his prison into noon-day brightness by thypresencetinged'sthis little urn of water with heaven-sent nectarandall thetime he wrote of Sancho and his masterdidst cast thy mysticmantleo'er his wither'd stump [He lost his hand at the battle ofLepanto. ]and wide extended it to all the evils of his life

Turn inhitherI beseech thee! behold these breeches! they are all Ihave inworldthat piteous rent was given them at Lyons

My shirts!see what a deadly schism has happen'd amongst 'emfor the lapsare inLombardyand the rest of 'em hereI never had but sixand acunninggypsey of a laundress at Milan cut me off the fore-laps of fiveTodo herjusticeshe did it with some considerationfor I was returning outof Italy.

And yetnotwithstanding all thisand a pistol tinder-box which wasmoreoverfilch'd from me at Siennaand twice that I pay'd five Pauls fortwo hardeggsonce at Raddicoffiniand a second time at CapuaI do notthink ajourney through France and Italyprovided a man keeps his temperall thewayso bad a thing as some people would make you believe:  theremust beups and downsor how the duce should we get into vallies whereNaturespreads so many tables of entertainment. 'Tis nonsense to imaginethey willlend you their voitures to be shaken to pieces for nothing; andunless youpay twelve sous for greasing your wheelshow should the poorpeasantget butter to his bread? We really expect too muchand for thelivre ortwo above par for your suppers and bedat the most they are butoneshilling and ninepence halfpennywho would embroil their philosophyfor it?for heaven's and for your own sakepay itpay it with both handsopenrather than leave Disappointment sitting drooping upon the eye ofyour fairHostess and her Damsels in the gate-wayat your departureandbesidesmy dear Siryou get a sisterly kiss of each of 'em worth a pound--at leastI did

For myuncle Toby's amours running all the way in my headthey had thesameeffect upon me as if they had been my ownI was in the most perfectstate ofbounty and good-will; and felt the kindliest harmony vibratingwithin mewith every oscillation of the chaise alike; so that whether theroads wererough or smoothit made no difference; every thing I saw or hadto dowithtouch'd upon some secret spring either of sentiment or rapture.

They werethe sweetest notes I ever heard; and I instantly let down thefore-glassto hear them more distinctly'Tis Maria; said the postillionobservingI was listeningPoor Mariacontinued he [leaning his body onone sideto let me see herfor he was in a line betwixt us]is sittingupon abank playing her vespers upon her pipewith her little goat besideher.

The youngfellow utter'd this with an accent and a look so perfectly intune to afeeling heartthat I instantly made a vowI would give him afour-and-twentysous piecewhen I got to Moulins

And who ispoor Maria? said I.

The loveand piety of all the villages around us; said the postillionitis butthree years agothat the sun did not shine upon so fairso quick-witted andamiable a maid; and better fate did Maria deservethan to haveher Bannsforbidby the intrigues of the curate of the parish whopublishedthem

He wasgoing onwhen Mariawho had made a short pauseput the pipe toher mouthand began the air againthey were the same notes; yet were tentimessweeter:   It is the evening service to the Virginsaid theyoungmanbut whohas taught her to play itor how she came by her pipeno oneknows; wethink that heaven has assisted her in both; for ever since shehas beenunsettled in her mindit seems her only consolationshe hasnever oncehad the pipe out of her handbut plays that service upon italmostnight and day.

Thepostillion delivered this with so much discretion and naturaleloquencethat I could not help decyphering something in his face abovehisconditionand should have sifted out his historyhad not poor Mariataken suchfull possession of me.

We had gotup by this time almost to the bank where Maria was sitting: shewas in athin white jacketwith her hairall but two tressesdrawn upinto asilk-netwith a few olive leaves twisted a little fantastically ononesideshe was beautiful; and if ever I felt the full force of an honestheart-acheit was the moment I saw her

God helpher! poor damsel! above a hundred massessaid the postillionhave beensaid in the several parish churches and convents aroundforherbutwithout effect; we have still hopesas she is sensible for shortintervalsthat the Virgin at last will restore her to herself; but herparentswho know her bestare hopeless upon that scoreand think hersenses arelost for ever.

As thepostillion spoke thisMaria made a cadence so melancholyso tenderandquerulousthat I sprung out of the chaise to help herand foundmyselfsitting betwixt her and her goat before I relapsed from myenthusiasm.

Marialook'd wistfully for some time at meand then at her goatand thenat meandthen at her goat againand so onalternately

WellMariasaid I softlyWhat resemblance do you find?

I doentreat the candid reader to believe methat it was from thehumblestconvictionof what a Beast man isthat I asked the question; and that Iwould nothave let fallen an unseasonable pleasantry in the venerablepresenceof Miseryto be entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelaisscatter'dandyet I own my heart smote meand that I so smarted at thevery ideaof itthat I swore I would set up for Wisdomand utter gravesentencesthe rest of my daysand nevernever attempt again to commitmirth withmanwomanor childthe longest day I had to live.

As forwriting nonsense to themI believe there was a reservebut that Ileave tothe world.

AdieuMaria! adieupoor hapless damsel! some timebut not nowI mayhear thysorrows from thy own lipsbut I was deceived; for that moment shetook herpipe and told me such a tale of woe with itthat I rose upandwithbroken and irregular steps walk'd softly to my chaise.

What anexcellent inn at Moulins!

 ChapterXXV.

When wehave got to the end of this chapter [but not before] we must allturn backto the two blank chapterson the account of which my honour haslainbleeding this half hourI stop itby pulling off one of my yellowslippersand throwing it with all my violence to the opposite side of myroomwitha declaration at the heel of it

Thatwhatever resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which arewritten inthe worldor for aught I know may be now writing in itthat itwas ascasual as the foam of Zeuxis his horse; besidesI look upon achapterwhich has only nothing in itwith respect; and considering whatworsethings there are in the worldThat it is no way a proper subject forsatire

Why thenwas it left so?   And here without staying for my replyshall Ibe calledas many blockheadsnumsculsdoddypolesdunderheadsninny-hammersgoosecapsjoltheadsnincompoopsand sh. . t-a-bedsand otherunsavouryappellationsas ever the cake-bakers of Lerne cast in the teethof KingGarangantan's shepherdsAnd I'll let them do itas Bridget saidas much asthey please; for how was it possible they should foresee thenecessityI was under of writing the 84th chapter of my bookbefore the77th& c?

So I don'ttake it amissAll I wish isthat it may be a lesson to theworld'tolet people tell their stories their own way. '

 TheEighteenth Chapter.

As Mrs.Bridget opened the door before the corporal had well given the raptheinterval betwixt that and my uncle Toby's introduction into theparlourwas so shortthat Mrs. Wadman had but just time to get frombehind thecurtainlay a Bible upon the tableand advance a step or twotowardsthe door to receive him.

My uncleToby saluted Mrs. Wadmanafter the manner in which women weresaluted bymen in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven hundred andthirteenthenfacing abouthe march'd up abreast with her to the sophaand inthree plain wordsthough not before he was sat downnor after hewas satdownbut as he was sitting downtold her'he was in love'sothat myuncle Toby strained himself more in the declaration than he needed.

Mrs.Wadman naturally looked downupon a slit she had been darning up inher apronin expectation every momentthat my uncle Toby would go on; buthaving notalents for amplificationand Love moreover of all others beinga subjectof which he was the least a masterWhen he had told Mrs. Wadmanonce thathe loved herhe let it aloneand left the matter to work afterits ownway.

My fatherwas always in raptures with this system of my uncle Toby'sas hefalselycalled itand would often saythat could his brother Toby to hisprocessehave added but a pipe of tobaccohe had wherewithal to have foundhis wayif there was faith in a Spanish proverbtowards the hearts ofhalf thewomen upon the globe.

My uncleToby never understood what my father meant; nor will I presume toextractmore from itthan a condemnation of an error which the bulk of theworld lieunderbut the Frenchevery one of 'em to a manwho believe initalmostas much as the Real Presence'That talking of loveis makingit. '

I would assoon set about making a black-pudding by the same receipt.

Let us goon:   Mrs. Wadman sat in expectation my uncle Toby would do sotoalmost thefirst pulsation of that minutewherein silence on one side orthe othergenerally becomes indecent:   so edging herself a little moretowardshimand raising up her eyessub blushingas she did itshe tookup thegauntletor the discourse [if you like it better] and communed withmy uncleTobythus:

The caresand disquietudes of the marriage statequoth Mrs. Wadmanareverygreat.   I suppose sosaid my uncle Toby:   and therefore whenapersoncontinued Mrs. Wadmanis so much at his ease as you areso happycaptainShandyin yourselfyour friends and your amusementsI wonderwhatreasons can incline you to the state

They arewrittenquoth my uncle Tobyin the Common-Prayer Book.

Thus farmy uncle Toby went on warilyand kept within his depthleavingMrs.Wadman to sail upon the gulph as she pleased.

As forchildrensaid Mrs. Wadmanthough a principal end perhaps of theinstitutionand the natural wishI supposeof every parentyet do notwe allfindthey are certain sorrowsand very uncertain comforts? andwhat istheredear sirto pay one for the heart-achswhat compensationfor themany tender and disquieting apprehensions of a suffering anddefencelessmother who brings them into life?   I declaresaid my uncleTobysmitwith pityI know of none; unless it be the pleasure which ithaspleased God!

Afiddlestick! quoth she.

 Chapterthe Nineteenth.

Now thereare such an infinitude of notestunescantschantsairslooksandaccents with which the word fiddlestick may be pronounced in allsuchcauses as thisevery one of 'em impressing a sense and meaning asdifferentfrom the otheras dirt from cleanlinessThat Casuists [for itis anaffair of conscience on that score] reckon up no less than fourteenthousandin which you may do either right or wrong.

Mrs.Wadman hit upon the fiddlestickwhich summoned up all my uncleToby'smodestblood into his cheeksso feeling within himself that he had somehowor othergot beyond his depthhe stopt short; and without entering furthereitherinto the pains or pleasures of matrimonyhe laid his hand upon hisheartandmade an offer to take them as they wereand share them alongwith her.

When myuncle Toby had said thishe did not care to say it again; socastinghis eye upon the Bible which Mrs. Wadman had laid upon the tablehe took itup; and poppingdear soul! upon a passage in itof all othersthe mostinteresting to himwhich was the siege of Jerichohe set himselfto read itoverleaving his proposal of marriageas he had done hisdeclarationof loveto work with her after its own way.   Now it wroughtneither asan astringent or a loosener; nor like opiumor barkormercuryor buckthornor any one drug which nature had bestowed upon theworldinshortit work'd not at all in her; and the cause of that wasthat therewas something working there beforeBabbler that I am!   I haveanticipatedwhat it was a dozen times; but there is fire still in thesubjectallons.

  ChapterXXVI.

It isnatural for a perfect stranger who is going from London to Edinburghto enquirebefore he sets outhow many miles to York; which is about thehalfwaynor does any body wonderif he goes on and asks about thecorporation& c. . . .

It wasjust as natural for Mrs. Wadmanwhose first husband was all histimeafflicted with a Sciaticato wish to know how far from the hip tothegroin; andhow far she was likely to suffer more or less in her feelingsin the onecase than in the other.

She hadaccordingly read Drake's anatomy from one end to the other.   Shehad peepedinto Wharton upon the brainand borrowed Graaf [This must be amistake inMr. Shandy; for Graaf wrote upon the pancreatick juiceand theparts ofgeneration. ] upon the bones and muscles; but could make nothing ofit.

She hadreason'd likewise from her own powerslaid down theoremsdrawnconsequencesand come to no conclusion.

To clearup allshe had twice asked Doctor Slop'if poor captain Shandywas everlikely to recover of his wound? '

He isrecoveredDoctor Slop would say

What!quite?

Quite:  madam

But whatdo you mean by a recovery? Mrs. Wadman would say.

DoctorSlop was the worst man alive at definitions; and so Mrs. Wadmancould getno knowledge:   in shortthere was no way to extract itbutfrommy uncleToby himself.

There isan accent of humanity in an enquiry of this kind which lullsSuspicionto restand I am half persuaded the serpent got pretty near itin hisdiscourse with Eve; for the propensity in the sex to be deceivedcould notbe so greatthat she should have boldness to hold chat with thedevilwithout itBut there is an accent of humanityhow shall I describeit? 'tis anaccent which covers the part with a garmentand gives theenquirer aright to be as particular with itas your body-surgeon.

'Was itwithout remission?

'Was itmore tolerable in bed?

'Could helie on both sides alike with it?

'Was heable to mount a horse?

'Wasmotion bad for it? ' et caeterawere so tenderly spoke toand sodirectedtowards my uncle Toby's heartthat every item of them sunk tentimesdeeper into it than the evils themselvesbut when Mrs. Wadman wentroundabout by Namur to get at my uncle Toby's groin; and engaged him toattack thepoint of the advanced counterscarpand pele mele with the Dutchto takethe counterguard of St. Roch sword in handand then with tendernotesplaying upon his earled him all bleeding by the hand out of thetrenchwiping her eyeas he was carried to his tentHeaven! Earth! Sea! --all waslifted upthe springs of nature rose above their levelsan angelof mercysat besides him on the sophahis heart glow'd with fireand hadhe beenworth a thousandhe had lost every heart of them to Mrs. Wadman.

Andwhereaboutsdear sirquoth Mrs. Wadmana little categoricallydidyoureceive this sad blow? In asking this questionMrs. Wadman gave aslightglance towards the waistband of my uncle Toby's red plush breechesexpectingnaturallyas the shortest reply to itthat my uncle Toby wouldlay hisfore-finger upon the placeIt fell out otherwisefor my uncleTobyhaving got his wound before the gate of St. Nicolasin one of thetraversesof the trench opposite to the salient angle of the demibastion ofSt. Roch;he could at any time stick a pin upon the identical spot ofgroundwhere he was standing when the stone struck him:   this struckinstantlyupon my uncle Toby's sensoriumand with itstruck his large mapof thetown and citadel of Namur and its environswhich he had purchasedand pasteddown upon a boardby the corporal's aidduring his longillnessithad lain with other military lumber in the garret ever sinceandaccordingly the corporal was detached to the garret to fetch it.

My uncleToby measured off thirty toiseswith Mrs. Wadman's scissarsfromthereturning angle before the gate of St. Nicolas; and with such avirginmodestylaid her finger upon the placethat the goddess of Decencyifthen inbeingif not'twas her shadeshook her headand with a fingerwaveringacross her eyesforbid her to explain the mistake.

UnhappyMrs. Wadman!

Fornothing can make this chapter go off with spirit but an apostrophe totheebut myheart tells methat in such a crisis an apostrophe is but aninsult indisguiseand ere I would offer one to a woman in distressletthechapter go to the devil; provided any damn'd critic in keeping willbebut at thetrouble to take it with him.

 ChapterXXVII.

My uncleToby's Map is carried down into the kitchen.

 ChapterXXVIII.

And hereis the Maesand this is the Sambre; said the corporalpointingwith hisright hand extended a little towards the mapand his left uponMrs.Bridget's shoulderbut not the shoulder next himand thissaid heis thetown of Namurand this the citadeland there lay the Frenchandhere layhis honour and myselfand in this cursed trenchMrs. Bridgetquoth thecorporaltaking her by the handdid he receive the wound whichcrush'dhim so miserably here. In pronouncing whichhe slightly press'dthe backof her hand towards the part he felt forand let it fall.

WethoughtMr. Trimit had been more in the middlesaid Mrs. Bridget

That wouldhave undone us for eversaid the corporal.

And leftmy poor mistress undone toosaid Bridget.

Thecorporal made no reply to the reparteebut by giving Mrs. Bridget akiss.

ComecomesaidBridgetholding the palm of her left hand parallel to theplane ofthe horizonand sliding the fingers of the other over itin away whichcould not have been donehad there been the least wart orprotruberance'Tisevery syllable of it falsecried the corporalbeforeshe hadhalf finished the sentence

I know itto be factsaid Bridgetfrom credible witnesses.

Upon myhonoursaid the corporallaying his hand upon his heartandblushingas he spokewith honest resentment'tis a storyMrs. Bridgetas falseas hellNotsaid Bridgetinterrupting himthat either I or mymistresscare a halfpenny about itwhether 'tis so or noonly that whenone ismarriedone would chuse to have such a thing by one at least

It wassomewhat unfortunate for Mrs. Bridgetthat she had begun the attackwith hermanual exercise; for the corporal instantly. . . .

 ChapterXXIX.

It waslike the momentary contest in the moist eye-lids of an Aprilmorning'Whether Bridget should laugh or cry. '

Shesnatch'd up a rolling-pin'twas ten to oneshe had laugh'd

She laidit downshe cried; and had one single tear of 'em but tasted ofbitternessfull sorrowful would the corporal's heart have been that he hadused theargument; but the corporal understood the sexa quart major to aterce atleastbetter than my uncle Tobyand accordingly he assailed Mrs.Bridgetafter this manner.

I knowMrs. Bridgetsaid the corporalgiving her a most respectful kissthat thouart good and modest by natureand art withal so generous a girlinthyselfthatif I know thee rightlythou would'st not wound aninsectmuch less the honour of so gallant and worthy a soul as my masterwast thousure to be made a countess ofbut thou hast been set onanddeludeddear Bridgetas is often a woman's case'to please others morethanthemselves'

Bridget'seyes poured down at the sensations the corporal excited.

Tellmetell methenmy dear Bridgetcontinued the corporaltakinghold ofher handwhich hung down dead by her sideand giving a secondkisswhosesuspicion has misled thee?

Bridgetsobb'd a sob or twothen open'd her eyesthe corporal wiped 'emwith thebottom of her apronshe then open'd her heart and told him all.

 ChapterXXX.

My uncleToby and the corporal had gone on separately with their operationsthegreatest part of the campaignand as effectually cut off from allcommunicationof what either the one or the other had been doingas ifthey hadbeen separated from each other by the Maes or the Sambre.

My uncleTobyon his sidehad presented himself every afternoon in hisred andsilverand blue and gold alternatelyand sustained an infinity ofattacks inthemwithout knowing them to be attacksand so had nothing tocommunicate

Thecorporalon his sidein taking Bridgetby it had gain'dconsiderableadvantagesandconsequently had much to communicatebut what were theadvantagesaswell as what was the manner by which he had seiz'd themrequiredso nice an historianthat the corporal durst not venture upon it;and assensible as he was of glorywould rather have been contented tohave gonebareheaded and without laurels for everthan torture hismaster'smodesty for a single moment

Best ofhonest and gallant servants! But I have apostrophiz'd theeTrim! oncebeforeand could I apotheosize thee also [that is to say] withgoodcompanyI would do it without ceremony in the very next page.

 ChapterXXXI.

Now myuncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the tableandwascounting over to himself upon his finger ends [beginning at histhumb]all Mrs.Wadman's perfections one by one; and happening two or three timestogethereither by omitting someor counting others twice overto puzzlehimselfsadly before he could get beyond his middle fingerPritheeTrim!said hetaking up his pipe againbring me a pen and ink:   Trim broughtpaperalso.

Take afull sheetTrim! said my uncle Tobymaking a sign with his pipe atthe sametime to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table.  Thecorporalobeyedplaced the paper directly before himtook a penanddipp'd itin the ink.

She has athousand virtuesTrim! said my uncle Toby

Am I toset them downan' please your honour? quoth the corporal.

But theymust be taken in their ranksreplied my uncle Toby; for of themallTrimthat which wins me mostand which is a security for all therestisthe compassionate turn and singular humanity of her characterIprotestadded my uncle Tobylooking upas he protested ittowards thetop of theceilingThat was I her brotherTrima thousand foldshecould notmake more constant or more tender enquiries after my sufferingsthough nowno more.

Thecorporal made no reply to my uncle Toby's protestationbut by ashortcoughhedipp'd the pen a second time into the inkhorn; and my uncle Tobypointingwith the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at theleft handcorner of itas he could get itthe corporal wrote down thewordHUMANITY.. . thus.

Pritheecorporalsaid my uncle Tobyas soon as Trim had done ithowoften doesMrs. Bridget enquire after the wound on the cap of thy kneewhich thoureceived'st at the battle of Landen?

She neveran' please your honourenquires after it at all.

Thatcorporalsaid my uncle Tobywith all the triumph the goodness ofhis naturewould permitThat shews the difference in the character of themistressand maidhad the fortune of war allotted the same mischance tomeMrs.Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to ita hundredtimesShe would have enquiredan' please your honourten timesas oftenabout your honour's groinThe painTrimis equallyexcruciatingandCompassion has as much to do with the one as the other

God blessyour honour! cried the corporalwhat has a woman's compassionto do witha wound upon the cap of a man's knee? had your honour's beenshot intoten thousand splinters at the affair of LandenMrs. Wadman wouldhavetroubled her head as little about it as Bridget; becauseadded thecorporallowering his voiceand speaking very distinctlyas he assignedhis reason

'The kneeis such a distance from the main bodywhereas the groinyourhonourknowsis upon the very curtain of the place. '

My uncleToby gave a long whistlebut in a note which could scarce beheardacross the table.

Thecorporal had advanced too far to retirein three words he told therest

My uncleToby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fenderas if it hadbeen spunfrom the unravellings of a spider's web

Let us goto my brother Shandy'ssaid he.

 ChapterXXXII.

There willbe just timewhilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to myfather'sto inform you that Mrs. Wadman hadsome moons before thismadeaconfident of my mother; and that Mrs. Bridgetwho had the burden ofherownaswell as her mistress's secret to carryhad got happily deliveredof both toSusannah behind the garden-wall.

As for mymothershe saw nothing at all in itto make the least bustleaboutbutSusannah was sufficient by herself for all the ends and purposesyou couldpossibly havein exporting a family secret; for she instantlyimpartedit by signs to Jonathanand Jonathan by tokens to the cook as shewasbasting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with some kitchen-fat tothepostillionfor a groatwho truck'd it with the dairy maid for something ofabout thesame valueand though whisper'd in the hay-loftFame caught thenotes withher brazen trumpetand sounded them upon the house-topIn awordnotan old woman in the village or five miles roundwho did notunderstandthe difficulties of my uncle Toby's siegeand what were thesecretarticles which had delayed the surrender.

My fatherwhose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesisby whichmeans never man crucified Truth at the rate he didhad but justheard ofthe report as my uncle Toby set out; and catching fire suddenly atthetrespass done his brother by itwas demonstrating to Yoricknotwithstandingmy mother was sitting bynot only'That the devil was inwomenandthat the whole of the affair was lust; ' but that every evil anddisorderin the worldof what kind or nature soeverfrom the first fallof Adamdown to my uncle Toby's [inclusive]was owing one way or other tothe sameunruly appetite.

Yorick wasjust bringing my father's hypothesis to some temperwhen myuncle Tobyentering the room with marks of infinite benevolence andforgivenessin his looksmy father's eloquence re-kindled against thepassionandas he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he waswrothassoon as my uncle Toby was seated by the fireand had filled hispipemyfather broke out in this manner.

 ChapterXXXIII.

Thatprovision should be made for continuing the race of so greatsoexaltedand godlike a Being as manI am far from denyingbut philosophyspeaksfreely of every thing; and therefore I still think and do maintainit to be apitythat it should be done by means of a passion which bendsdown thefacultiesand turns all the wisdomcontemplationsandoperationsof the soul backwardsa passionmy dearcontinued my fatheraddressinghimself to my motherwhich couples and equals wise men withfoolsandmakes us come out of our caverns and hiding-places more likesatyrs andfour-footed beasts than men.

I know itwill be saidcontinued my father [availing himself of theProlepsis]that in itselfand simply takenlike hungeror thirstorsleep'tisan affair neither good or bador shameful or otherwise. Whythen didthe delicacy of Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against it? andwhereforewhen we go about to make and plant a mando we put out thecandle?and for what reason is itthat all the parts thereofthecongredientsthepreparationsthe instrumentsand whatever servestheretoare so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no languagetranslationor periphrasis whatever?

The act ofkilling and destroying a mancontinued my fatherraising hisvoiceandturning to my uncle Tobyyou seeis gloriousand the weaponsby whichwe do it are honourableWe march with them upon our shouldersWestrut withthem by our sidesWe gild themWe carve themWe in-lay themWe enrichthemNayif it be but a scoundrel cannonwe cast an ornamentupon thebreach of it.

My uncleToby laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithetandYorick wasrising up to batter the whole hypothesis to pieces

WhenObadiah broke into the middle of the room with a complaintwhichcried outfor an immediate hearing.

The casewas this:

My fatherwhether by ancient custom of the manoror as impropriator ofthe greattytheswas obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the ParishandObadiah had led his cow upon a pop-visit to him one day or other theprecedingsummerI sayone day or otherbecause as chance would have itit was theday on which he was married to my father's house-maidso onewas areckoning to the other.   Therefore when Obadiah's wife wasbrought tobedObadiahthanked God

NowsaidObadiahI shall have a calf:   so Obadiah went daily to visithis cow.

She'llcalve on Mondayon Tuesdayon Wednesday at the farthest

The cowdid not calvenoshe'll not calve till next weekthe cow put itoffterriblytill at the end of the sixth week Obadiah's suspicions [likea goodman's] fell upon the Bull.

Now theparish being very largemy father's Bullto speak the truth ofhimwasno way equal to the department; he hadhowevergot himselfsomehow orotherthrust into employmentand as he went through thebusinesswith a grave facemy father had a high opinion of him.

Most ofthe townsmenan' please your worshipquoth Obadiahbelievethat 'tisall the Bull's fault

But maynot a cow be barren? replied my fatherturning to Doctor Slop.

It neverhappens:   said Dr. Slopbut the man's wife may have come beforeher timenaturally enoughPrithee has the child hair upon his head? addedDr. Slop

It is ashairy as I am; said Obadiah. Obadiah had not been shaved forthreeweeksWheu. . . u. . . u. . . cried my father; beginning the sentencewith anexclamatory whistleand sobrother Tobythis poor Bull of minewho is asgood a Bull as ever p. . ss'dand might have done for Europaherself inpurer timeshad he but two legs lessmight have been drivenintoDoctors Commons and lost his characterwhich to a Town BullbrotherTobyisthe very same thing as his life

L. . d! saidmy motherwhat is all this story about?

A Cock anda Bullsaid Yorick - And one of the best of its kindI everheard.

Notes:

1. Kalephs nosoukai dusiaton apallaghhn anqraka kalousin.

2. Ta temnomena tvn eqnvn polugonvtatakai poluanqrvpotata einai.

3. Kaqayothetos eineken.

4. O Ilosta aidoia pefitemnrtai tauto poihsai kai tous am autv summacous katanagkasas.

The end